Friday, February 25, 2005

Cardinals Stymied, Looking For A New Signal

Yesterday hospitalization, and tracheotomy operation of Pope John Paul II, and his seemingly deteriorating health, puts a great deal of pressure on the College of Cardinals and a long-standing tradition.

The select group of eminences have the responsibility, upon the resignation or death of the ruling pontiff, to make the selection of a new Pope and have, in long, historic standing, signaled their decisions with puffs of white smoke.

When the time comes, the Cardinals will have to abide by the Vatican law, since 2001, of No Smoking.

"This is a problem", offered on Vatican spokesperson. 'The Cardinal's are aware of it and have had great consternation over what to do".

The Vatican, in 2001, followed the new laws enacted in civilian Italy and instituted a No Smoking policy throughtout the Vatican.

"Right now, if necessary", continued the spokesperson, "if we have to do something, we'll probably send out a press release and a few emails".

Suede Magazine Shutting Down

Suede Magazine, the much ballyhood, multicultural fashion magazine, published by Essence Communications Partners division of Time Inc., is closing down and ceasing publication. Launched in 2004, Suede Magazine was to be a chic, Vogue-style magazine, geared towards African-Americans.

The company, in its' release positioned the shutdown as a 'hiatus'

A fashion industry indsider offered a different view

"Water stains. That's what did them in … I mean, God, everyone knows what water does to suede"

MTV Launches In Africa

Citing a huge potential market, as well as giving local musicians the exposure to spring onto the International stage, MTV offically launched MTV Base in Johnannesburg, South Africa.

While it took artists such as Miriam Makeba and Ladysmith Black Mambazo decades to reach audiences outside of Africa, MTV Base could give contemporary artists a springboard to other MTV channels and, in the process, exposure to audiences in Europe and the United States.

MTV Networks International President Bill Roedy indicated, in a press conference these artists may be incorporate into the 43+ channels MTV operates and, when pressed, admitted that 78% of his U.S. audience "couldn't point to Africa on a map"

Top Ten Cloves: How Martha Stewart Plans To Be Nicer When Released From Prison

10. Make curtains and tablecloths out of left-over 'Gates' fabric and give to charity

9. Will bake the cakes, but with 'fruit files' in them for her "sister bitches" still in prison

8. Won't shop at Target anymore just because they have better prices than K-Mart

7. Can stop sending harassing letters to Dave Foley, about getting on Celebrity Poker

6. Promises to share her inside stock tips with friends and family

5. Stop "repeating" the jokes about Donald Trump's hair that she picked up in prison

4. Give 'Good Neighbor' Lessons to Sean Connery

3. Remember to send the batch of hashish brownies to President Bush as a 'Thank You

2. Now that she's out, doesn't have to go to bed wishing that Oprah gains all her weight back

1. Only berate the Production Assistants on her TV Show, not the entire staff

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Thursday 24 February 2005

Garlic Extra!
More White House Payola; Thomas the Tank Engine Stumped for Amtrak

All aboard!

Just as the Jeff Gannon story fades, it was revealed yesterday that the Bush Administration has again been seen using a paid endorser for it's initiatives.

Despite the recent budget cuts, Amtrak, from 2002, to 2004, paid hundreds-of-thousands of dollars to Thomas the Tank Engine, and an undisclosed amount of friends, to promote rail travel.

Records show that Thomas the Tank Engine, and his friends, made tens-of- scores of public appearances - including private birthday parties - and produced books, television programs and theatrical movies. Often the talking engine made references to Amtrak and promoted, to young children as well as adults, the benefits of train travel.

In a New York Times Op-Ed article yesterday, Secretary of Transportation Norman Y. Mineta appeared to be distancing himself from the controversy, in explaining the budget cuts to Amtrak.

In 2004, it was disclosed that the Bush Administration paid PR consultant and commentator Armstrong Williams to promote it's No Child Left Behind policy.

O Solo Mio; Venice To Build Subway To Boost Tourism

Venice Mayor Paolo Costa announced this week plans to build a subway in an effort to boost the ailing tourism for this popular Italian city, famous for it's canals.

While critics argue that Venice is actually sinking, Mayor Costa's plans call for a subway line to run from the airport on the mainland to the center of town, buried more than 150-feet.

Subways cars will be open-air, gondola-style and all engineers and conductors will be required to sing to it's riders. Plans call for the subway to be operational by 2009.

Bravo Going To The Dogs For More Poker

Taking a cue from the art world, and riding it's successful Celebrity Poker Showdown, the Bravo Channel, a subsidiary of NBC, announced a new poker series featuring dogs.

Based on the works of artist Cassius Marcellus Coolidge and his infamous series of dogs playing poker (there were nine paintings in the collection), the program will be sponsored by Westminster Kennel Club. Recently, two of Coolidges works sold at auction for over $500,000.

Celebrity dogs will be featured in the series. Bravo indicated that Benji, Astro, Marmaduke, Winn-Dixie and descendants from the lines of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Asta will all make appearances on the program.

Top Ten Cloves: How So. Californians Are Coping With The Rain

10. Lobbying to get on the Michael Jackson Jury

9. Watching old reruns of Sea Hunt

8. Confused with Oscars; Thinks Rain Man is nominated this year

7. Passing new legislation for Jet Ski lane on freeways

6. Figuring out how to blame Kobe Bryant for all the rain

5. Learning for first time that Canoe isn't just an after-shave lotion

4. New X Sport - Mud-Slide Surfing

3. Filming new movie - Hey Dude, Where's My Boat!

2. Busy learning how to use umbrellas

1. Searching for the next Grade B actor they can nominate to run for Governor

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Wednesday 23 February 2005

Winn-Dixie Files For Bankruptcy; Blames Canine

Winn-Dixie Stores Inc., the giant Southern supermarket operator, filed for bankruptcy protection yesterday, citing sky-rocking cost overruns in banking their future on a dog.

Despite strong box office showings for the movie, 'Because of Winn-Dixie', based on a children's book bestseller, the supermarket chain has been awash in a sea of red ink.

"This little pup has been more then we could handle", offered one store official. "He's been a real primadonna … Special food, a big entourage … flying first class … It sure hasn't been a miracle for us … We just haven't gotten the return we expected …"

In papers filed with the courts, Winn-Dixie indicated that employee's will continue to be paid, including health and welfare benefits, and that they anticipate recouping their losses when the DVD of the movie is released.

Supreme Court Takes Oregon Death Case

The U.S. Supreme Court announced yesterday that they have agreed to hear arguments in Oregon's Death With Dignity Act, which the Bush Adminstration opposes. The suit was filed in 2001 by then Attorny General John Ashcroft.

Since 1997, when Oregon voters approved the measure, doctors in Oregon have been able to assist terminally ill patients end their lives. An Appeals Court upheld the ruling last year

The Administration plans to argue that it is only their policies that should be in place - reckless tax cuts, the cutbacks and elimination of programs, and the dismantling of Social Security - that should determine the quality of life.

In a related matter, the court also announced that ailing Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist will be moving from Arizona to Oregon.

IOC To Reject NYC; Cites Gates, Loss To Red Sox

Just as New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and a host of other official were seeking to impress the 2012 International Olympic Committee, rumors were circulating that the committee is all but set to reject the Big Apple, or, as the campaign suggests, 'the world's second home'.

Sources close to U.S. Olympic Committee chairman Peter Ueberroth said that Ueberroth found the Christo 'Gates' to be a distraction and is dismayed with the collapse of the New York Yankees last fall in baseball's American League Championship.
Ueberroth is a former commissioner of Major League Baseball.

Ueberroth has fears that New York, being the city that never sleeps, won't be able to deliver what the Olympics expect and need, that "they'll be tired and distracted"

Other cities in contention include Madrid, London, Moscow and Paris and a decision is expected by July 6.

Amendment Rider Spares C-SPAN From Indecency Fines

In passing a bill that can levy unprecidented fines against radio and television broadcasters last week, the House added a rider to the amendment that automatically extends a waiver to C-SPAN.

With congressional elections a year away, and changes forthcoming with the FCC's administration, House Republican's offered that it was "prudent" to offer the protection to the non-profit C-SPAN.

C-Span broadcasts the activities on the floor of the Congress, both the House and the Senate.

"We understand", stated Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, "that what we do here on the floor could be classified as indecent".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard at the Red Sox Spring Training

10. I got me one of those Duck Boats - it's getting better milage than my Humvee

9. I hope they don’t do that motivation thing again with William's head, like they did last year

8. Hey Tom … Ahhh, if it doesn't work out this time, mind if I give Katie a call …

7. Too bad Derek's gone, now I'm, gonna be the only one with a 5+ ERA

6. I'll tell you what's a curse … Having to sit next to Pesky on the airplane

5. Oh man, Wells has a six-pack out there in the bullpen with him …

4. Hey Curt, a lot lakes down here - you can practice your walking on water thing

3. Where's Nomar?

2. Oh Christ, do we have to listen to Theo's band again?

1. Wow! You got the primo Balco stuff!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

In Memoriam - Hunter S. Thompson

It is with great sadness that The Garlic joins with vast number of others around the world today in mourning the death of Hunter S. Thompson.

While derided in many quarters (most of the mainstream and the Nixon Administration) for his 'gonzo' style of journalism, Thompson was a giant and most remarkable chronicler of the world we live in … In many ways, he was our generation's Mark Twain … He put a spotlight, in his own, unique and entertaining manner, on the dwarfs, finks, phonies, and frauds, that took center stage, or attempted to, in secret, manipulate the masses.

As his alter-ego, Raoul Duke advocated "when the going gets tough, the weird turn pro…", Hunter Thompson never shirked from being a pro

RIP Hunter, it was good while it lasted

Tuesday 22 February 2005

Prez Europe Trip Quashes Holiday Celebrations

Tens-of-scores of festivities, speeches, parades and cherry pie-eating contests were cancelled yesterday through-out America as the the United States was without a President, standing on U.S. soil.

Long-standing traditions fell by the wayside as President Bush was off on his fence-mending mission in Europe.

White House official were deluged with telephone calls, emails and telegrams from outraged organizers, band members and pie eaters, many who have spent the past year preparing for their President's Day activities.

Rules call for the President of the United States to be in-country and, by declaration at 12:01 AM declare the President's Day Holiday.

Talks fell apart by 6:30AM when parties could not come to terms with allowing the Vice President to stand in and, though he offered to 'take charge', retired General Alexander Haig was excluded from consideration as he is not in active service.

As the Uncle Sam packed away his stilts, and a third-grade class went ahead, to an audience of only parents and teachers, with their reading of the Preamble, one baker in Valley Forge, PA asked to nobody in particular - 'What am I going to do with 200 cherry pies?"

Royal Navy Courts Gays

It's been five-years since the British lifted its ban on gays serving in the military.

In a new campaign, announced yesterday, of 'We're Asking, So Please Tell', Britian's Royal Navy is actively recruiting gays to join its' fleet. Recently, gay men and woman have served in the war in Iraq with distinction, and under the same rules of decorum as their hetrosexual troop mates.

Everything from better benefits, better pay, more education for non-gay officers and the DVD of the Marlon Brando-version of Mutiny on the Bounty are being employed in the drive

Air Luxenbourg To Hit The Airwaves; Raid Competetion's Talent

Citing the success of now-competitor, Air America, plans to launch Air Luxenborg next month were announced by a consortium or radio broadcasters in Luxenbourg.

Eight of the 11 radio broadcasters from he tiny grand duchy, founded in 963 and nestled between France and Germany indicated that, despite the lack of political controversy - the country is officially neutral - they believe they can make an impact in the growing European Union.

Plans call for 24-hour broadcasting, in Luxembourgish, with sub-channel available in French and German. Content will be centered around the major industries of Luxenborg, which include banking, iron and steel, food processing, chemicals, metal products, engineering, tires, glass, and aluminum. Special farm and cheese and Anti-Bush reports will be added.

Reports indicate that Air Luxenbourg has engaged in talks with Air America personalties, Al Franken and Randi Rhodes. Both Franken and Rhodes offered no comment when asked if they plan to join Air Luxenbourg.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Problems With Microsoft's Xbox

10. Tries to pass off the scorch marks it makes in your carpet as cigarette burns

9. Wont play games; Begs you for asylum; Knows that Longhorn will make it obsolete

8. Likes shopping on-line; Keeps ordering the Pamela Anderson Screen-Saver

7. Sends emails to your neighbors with Playstation, telling them it'll kick their ass

6. Ejects game cartridges with power of a cannon

5. Each time you press pause, asks you if you want to hear about the X-rated affair with it had with Clippit

4. Scares the bejeezes out of your pets - on purpose

3. Snickers every time you play a game and lose

2. Keeps changing your television to the Fox News channel

1. Has identity problem; Really wishes it was an iPod

Monday, February 21, 2005

Monday 21 February 2005

Israel To Take New Steps In End To Destroying Palestinian Homes

In a move hailed by Palestine, Israel's Defense Minister Shaul Mofaz announced that Israel will end it's practice of destroying the homes of Palestian millitants and their families.

Long a staple of Israel's fight against Palestine and their terrorists, the practice of blowing up the homes of it's enemies and their families was considered necessary, but criticized by Arabs and many other world leaders.

With the announcement, a new set of actions was listed that will be implemented, as necessary, by Israel. These include;

Spam - Israel will flood internet host sites in Palestine with Spam and, open up the channel for the Nigerian princes to make their appeals to retrieve stolen treasures.

Junk Mail - Copious amounts of junk mail will fill Palestian mailboxes, including enrolling every suspected terrorist, their familes and friends, in the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Cable TV - All suspected Palestine homes will be wired for Cable TV, but with only Basic Service, and offering the full programming of Home Shopping Network and, the 700 Club.

'We hope the peace will be lasting" offered Mofaz, "and we don't have to engage in these extremely harsh measures".

NASA Dismisses Life On Mars Despite Strong Evidence

In a statement released Saturday, official at NASA rebuffed the claims of two of it's scientists and denied that there was any indication of life on the planet Mars.

Space.Com reported that two NASA scientists from their Ames Research Center reported that methane levels recorded could be a sign of supporting biological processes.

In a separate statement, the heirs of the estate of Ray Walston quickly dismissed NASA's claims, offering proof that their uncle was indeed, a Martian and also circulated on the web more recent photo's of human-like beings with antennas, little green men and cheese-like substances as a sample of Mars' surface.

Mall of America To Expand, Take Twin Cities by Eminent Domain

Sparking controversy, and the beginning of a legal battle, the Mall of America announced last week an aggressive expansion in which they plan to take over the Twin Cities - St. Paul and Minneapolis - by eminent domain.

Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak and St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly issued a joint statement opposing the move and vowing to fight it.

Already owning the nearby city of Bloomington, the owners, Triple Five of Minnesota, Inc., indicated the move is necessary to maintain their competitive growth, and title of the country's largest shopping center. Currently, the Mall of America, opened in 1992, spans over 4-million square-feet, with over 500 stores and 11,000 employees.

By taking over the Twin Cities, Mall of America can stretch to over 200-square-miles, have an already-built infrastructure for it's attractions inventory, including over 136,900 acres of parkland and 950 lakes. Key to the expansion is that the Mall of America would be able to maintain the distinction of being the only shopping mall in the United States with a full-service U.S. Post Office.

ADA Survey Shows 4 Out of 5 Dentists Recommend Not Trusting 4 Out of 5 Dentists

A recent American Dental Association survey shows that 4-out-of-5 dentists recommend not trusting 4-out-of-5 dentists.

Among the findings, with over 2,000 dentists surveyed, lack of modern equipment, unclean offices and extremely out-dated magazines were cited. Troubling, the ADA noted that Laughing Gas was still being used, and abused by a wide majority of members.

And, appearing for the first time in the survey, poor taste in music. Members chided each other over there office audio offerings, and, in a fairly large number of surveys, specifc dentists were pointed out as "… not knowing a good song from an absessed tooth with a cavity you could put your fist into …".

Top Ten Cloves On How Bush Will Screw Up In Europe

10. Arrives late at meeting; Says he had to stay in hotel room to catch 'American Idol'

9. Suggests to Tony Blair that he might 'do alittle better if he had a few Jeff Gannon's sitting under those wigs'

8. Offers to set-up NATO secretary general Jaap de Hoop Scheffer as a rap star in U.S. if he'll go by 'da hoop'

7. Threatens them with getting in line or he'll sic Rumsfeld on them

6. Tries to warm-up Chirac with jokes about 'chocolate-covered frog legs'

5. Winks at and lets the Italians know he's got the Pope in the Dead Pool

4. Tells them of plans to build up NATO with Balco steroids - Same stuff Barry Bonds uses!

3. Slips in that Negroponte already has files on them all

2. Gives King Albert II and Queen Paola the DVD of 'If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium'

1. Attempts to improv a limerick with the word 'Brussels' in it