Friday, April 20, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Most Likely Graffiti Tags That Will Soon Appear On New Baghdad Wall

News Item: US builds Baghdad wall to keep Sunnis and Shias apart

10. Look, Bush invades Iraq and all he gets is this lousy wall

9. Sunnis Suck

8. Oh good, something new to blow up

7. Shiites Eat Shit

6. Hey Tancredo, where's your wall?

5. Who's paying for this wall - Iraq or Wolfowitz?

4. Kilroy Was Here

3. Here's my purple finger, right here!

2. Hey Cheney, gives us a few days and you can declare your wall here in its' final throes

1. Hey Americans .... Write down your names and addresses, so we know where to find you when we follow you home

Bonus Link

Disney, With Secret Contract, Working With White House, Military On Building Baghdad Moats

"Cool idea, huh? ... A wall ... That's why they call me The Decider"

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Breaking News! Gonzales To Shift Testimony, Has New Excuse

AG To Cite 'Circuit City' Policy, Claim Replacement Attorneys Costing DOJ Less; Fired USA's Can Reapply in Ten Weeks

In yet another stunning twist to the growing scandal, sources tell The Garlic that Crony General Alberto Gonzales will abandon the expected testimony he was to deliver today, when he testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and instead, deliver a brand new excuse for the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys.

Gonzales will tell the committee that he actually was implementing what now has become known at the "Circuit City Policy".

The eight U.S. Attorneys fired were replaced with attorneys who are willing to work for less money, saving the Department of Justice, tens-of-thousands of dollars in their budget.

Gonzales will stop short of saying the fired attorneys were overpaid, as Circuit City cited when they implemented their policy, and the Crony General will announce that the fired attorneys can reapply for their jobs - at the lower pay scale now in place - in 10-weeks.

When apprised to the shift planned by Gonzales, Judiciary Committee Chairman, Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) rolled his eyes and threw up his hands.

"We've gone from the dog ate my homework, to do you want fries with that order," huffed Leahy. "I suppose this means now that the DOJ attorneys now get an employee discount if they purchase a new stereo."

Circuit City, the third largest electronics retailer in the United States, with revenues over $11-Billion, caused an uproar last month, when they fired over 3,400 employees for the reason of they were paid too highly, and replaced then with lower-paid workers.

Much like the fired U.S. Attorneys, Circuit City justified the move, saying the firings had nothing to do with job performance, but rather, to improve the company's bottom line.

The Gonzales shift comes against a backdrop of the Senate committee considering offering immunity to former Gonzales aide, Monica Goodling, to testify. Goodling had previously stated she would plead the 5th Amendment if called before the committee.

Additionally, millions of email messages, between the White House and DOJ, are missing, some of which may be related and/or specifically dealing with the fired U.S. Attorneys. White House staff, such as Karl Rove and others, used an email system provided to them by the Republican National Committee, which has fueled speculation that they did so to avoid investigations.

Gonzales himself is said to have been "studying" over the past two weeks, as preparation for his appearance today.

The Crony General, in shooting a shot across the Senate committee's bow, penned an Op-Ed in The Washington Post this past weekend, offering little new information and citing he has done nothing improper or has anything to hide.

Gonzales gave no indication in the Op-Ed of the new 'Circuit City Policy' that he will, apparently, offer in today's testimony.

Leahy indicated he would wait to hear the Crony General's testimony, before making any decisions on subpoenaing Circuit City executives or emails.


Bush, Gonzales Reportedly Discussed Fired Prosecutor

Aborted DOJ Probe Probably Would Have Targeted Gonzales

Top Ten Cloves: How It Would Be Different If Alberto Gonzales Was The Head of March Madness

Alberto Gonzales Sings 'Justice For Sale'

Did Crony General Alberto Gonzales come up with the 'Circuit City Policy' for firing eight U.S. Attorney's, or did the White House?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Warning - Bypass this post if you don't want to be discouraged.

Poor, poor First Lady Laura.

Her DVD rental bill must be astronomical by now, if she is staying away from watching the television - in order not to be discouraged.

It's bad enough that those darn terrorists over in Iraq give her such discouragement, but yesterday, she had to travel with the Chief Decider down to Blacksburg, Virgina, to attend the Convocation following the terrible gun-caused violent tradegy there.

At least her husband got out in front of that early, and firmly, letting his base and supporters (you know, all those potential Bush Library donors) that he stands tall behind the 2nd Amendment.

Many believe the 2nd Amendment, and the "right to bear arms" means defending the country against invaders, or their own tyrannical government.

And many Iraqis (no, not all of them) are "bearing arms" to defend their country against invaders and occupiers.

The irony.

Laura, perhaps, is hoping beyond hope that her husband, and the others in the White House, can get one of those generals, or someone, to take the nice new War Czar job and figure all this out.

If the War Czar, and the surge, work out, the First Lady may be able to go back watching television, sans the discouragement, just in time for summer reruns.

Todays Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Baghdad Bombings Kill at Least 131


Laura Bush: Much Of Iraq Is ‘Stable,’ There’s Just ‘One Bombing A Day That Discourages Everybody’

Brookings Institute Iraq Index

CNN Larry King - Interview With Laura Bush/"The Lost Tomb of Jesus"

Laura Bush: My husband never misled about Iraq

New Feature - The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 09, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 16, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Saturday, April 07, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

"If I don't get to watch my television pretty soon, someone's going to get it!"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways President Bush Can Sweeten The Offer To Secure A New War Czar

News Item: Why I Declined To Serve

10. First guy to find the missing emails gets the job!

9. Since we'll be pulling all the strings anyway, what about if we give him both the job of War Czar and Attorney General?

8. To make sure the War Czars wars are funded, will launch new policy program, "No Czar Left Behind"

7. If single, and with the Secretary of State being single, will throw in White House Wedding if the two hit it off

6. Blowjobs. the I know we're Republicans, but isn't there an intern or someone here somewhere that can give the guy blowjobs.

5. How about we just say we have a War Czar? ... Just like we said we had proof Saddam was buying uranium and in bed with Al Qaeda

4. No restrictions; New War Czar is free to say what he likes, maybe come up with those colorful, pithy sayings like Rumsfield did

3. New War Czar would get to move his girlfriend into a high-paying State Department job - Just like Paul Wolfowitz

2. New War Czar gets to fire three additional U.S. Attorneys and replace them with his friends

1. Will put it in the contract that the new War Czar doesn't actually have to go or visit Iraq or Afghanistan

"Howdy, Pardner ... You wanna be my War Czar?"

Monday, April 16, 2007

Chopped Garlic ... Of Virginia Tech ... The Right To Bear Arms ... And Barry Crimmins

First and foremost, The Garlic wants to extend our prayers and sympathy to the victims and families of those killed and injured in today's - and yet another - senseless outburst of gun violence.

There was an interesting merger this afternoon, as I watched the wall-to-wall cable news coverage of the horrible tragedy that took place at Virginia Tech today.

CNN's Jack Cafferty just finished rattling off a list of school shootings, going back to the 1966 and Charles Whitman and then noted that he could not cite a single instance of such carnage being reported in other countries. Cafferty declared such shootings as uniquely American and, rhetorically asked what made that so.

Well, Jack, for one right off the top of the head, is the readily and easily accessibility of handguns in this country.

With an army of politicians, corporations, organizations and good ol', flag-waving, gun-toting, red-blooded Americans, who resist any controls or bans, they keep said guns flying off the factory production lines and into the hands of anyone that wants one.

No word if the First Lady was "discouraged" by what happened today, but earlier in the day, the Chief Decider had to weigh in and assure the base, that despite the horror and mounting death toll coming out of Virginia Tech, he still stands for the American Way, and "As far as policy, the President believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed."

What a loaded line that is ... "All laws must be followed".

Then, the telephone rang and it was friend, and America's best satirist, Barry Crimmins, who was watching the same news.

Crimmins, who penned a most heart-felt letter-to-the-editor in The Boston Globe this past weekend, over the passing of Kurt Vonnegut, had written a fall-on-the-floor-laughing comedy routine back in the 1970's on gun control.

In the opening of the routine, Crimmins would announce that he was a proponent of gun control, and then, parenthetically, and remedially, explain to any NRA members in the audience, that meant he was for it.

Crimmins would go on, saying that, yes, the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution says we have the right to bear arms.

Fine. Then make it so that whoever wants to bear arms, bear arms from 200-years ago.

He would riff that it would be pretty difficult to walk into a 7-11 with a concealed musket under your coat. And, on the plus side, if you were going to commit a crime with a musket, you probably would only get off one shot before being subdued, due to the cumbersome mechanics of reloading a musket.

But Crimmins didn't just make jokes about the deadly gun violence, he also offered a sensible alternative.

Baseball Bats.

With baseball bats, he pointed out, some three-or-four-year-old, when he or she digs around in Dad's closet, pulls out a baseball bat, and, at worse, gets a lump on his or her head, rather then having a bullet blaze through it.

What a far, far better world it would be, if Crimmins' concept had been adopted.

Schools would make the national news and cable blizzards, perhaps, for the academic accomplishments of their students, not for - and yet again - setting a new standard for death by gun violence.


Barry Crimmins

Barry Crimmins On The Garlic

It hasn't been your cold dead hands, Charlton, but rather thousands of innocent peoples', who've had their lives snuffed out

His Fly Is Down and Nobody Wants To Tell Him ... The Results - The Garlic Weekly Poll

Poor, Poor Alberto.

With so may monikers being attached to him lately, from "Dead Man Walking" to "Gone-Zo", it seems more that he is the simple-minded dolt at the party, who goes around all evening with his fly down, and nobody wants to tell him.

Our Crony General just doesn't get it, which, after all, isn't so shocking for a member of the upper Bush Management team.

Everytime he opens his mouth, it seems, there's one or two new revelations, contradicting his new position and what he did or didn't do in the firing of the eight U.S. Attorneys.

Take yesterday, for instance.

The Crony General promulgated an Op-Ed in The Washington Post, claiming, among other things, he has nothing to hide.

Then, today, like clockwork, came the blaring headline - "Ex-Justice Official's Statements Contradict Gonzales on Firings"

And this - "Conservatives to Bush: Fire Gonzales"

Now, we've been told that the Crony General has been practicing, rehearsing and beefing up to prepare for his testimony, scheduled for tomorrow but now postponed until Thursday, due to the gun violence at Virginia Tech (cue the conspiracy; Bush needed something huge to get Iraq - and the Crony General - out of the headlines) and you have to wonder if he had the radio on ... Or was watching television with a cracked book open in front of him.

And why would the White House want him to testify again? Is it to score some talking points for the cameras? You'll have to fly across many a hurricane-ravaged city to find anyone who doesn't believe the firings were political.

Or is the White House resigned that they have to keep him on. Maybe, like their search for a War Czar, they can't find anyone to take the job. Nobody wants to jump on a sinking ship and, likely, no lawman worth his handcuffs wants to take a position that has them, not battling statutes, but rather being a stodge for the White House, running their agenda and not handling the citizen's business.

With the DOJ's morale at rock bottom, and their integrity now off that table, perhaps that's what it is all about.

Little Alberto has been, and is to be, more Crony and less General.

And that suits Bush & Co. just fine.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll April 7 - April 14, 2007

Crony General Alberto Gonzales is said to have cancelled his vacation in order to practice for his upcoming testimony before Congress. Gonzales is likely to rehearsing most, the phrases ...

1. Hey, this is all Karl Rove's doing ... Get him up here and grill that bastard ... Tally 31%

2. The U.S. Attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President and there was nothing illegal or wrong about removing them Tally 29%

3. Senator, I have no recollection of that Tally 23%

4. No Senator, I don't recall saying that Tally 17%

This week’s Poll - Despite his absurd and misleading statements about conditions in Iraq, and his third-place, 1st Quarter fund-raising finish, Senator John McCain's meltdown won't be complete until ....

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

When you get to the hearing room, Mr. Crony General, make sure you check your trousers and be sure your fly is up