Friday, September 28, 2007

Breaking News! GM Cancels UAW In Favor of Adopting Huffington Post Business Model

Celebrities, Auto Enthusiasts and Bloggers To Build Cars For Free; Huge Spike In Profits Forecast

"I don't know why we didn't do this sooner," beamed an ecstatic General Motors Chief Executive Rick Wagoner, at a hastily called news conference this morning.

Wagoner was referring to, just hours before the news conference, his backtracking on the recent strike settlement reached just two-days ago, and his actions of dissolving the United Auto Workers Union contract with GM, in favor of adopting the business model of the popular blog, The Huffington Post.

It was reported earlier this week that The Huffington Post just closed on another round (their second) of $5-Million in funding, upping their total to over $10-Million raised.

In slightly less than three-years, The Huffington Post has built itself up to being the 5th most popular blog on the World Wide Web, primarily by having its' content providers and generators write for free.

Celebrities, politicians, actors, pundits, some famous, others up-and-coming, write daily for Huffington Post, all said not to be receiving any compensation other than "visibility, promotion and distribution with a great company", according to Ken Lerer, the co-founder of The Huffington Post.

Lerer added that they have no plans to begin paying bloggers - ever.

"If you wake up and have something to say, great," says Arianna Huffington, the Editor-in-Chief, author and former political candidate for whom the blog is named after.

Wagoner believes GM will be "enormously successful" with adopting The Huffington Post business model.

"There's thousands-upon-thousands of auto enthusiasts, auto club members, people who write about automobiles ... Even backyard mechanics, that are biting-at-the-bit to get their hands dirty and build a car," added Wagoner. "Now, we'll give them the opportunity."

Wagoner indicated a move has already been made, similar to The Huffington Post, to attract celebrities to the new GM plan, including some who are currently writing for The Huffington Post.

"We already have Alec Baldwin on board," grinned Wagoner. "He was jumping with joy with the chance, we didn't have to sell him on it ... And, he may some of his brothers with him, as well."

Others, Wagoner stated, have either have been contacted, or have signaled they will come on board, include famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawkings, American Idol Host Ryan Seacrest, newly-elected French President Nicholas Sarkozy, actor and activist Brad Pitt (who, Wagoner offered, wants to work on a line of "green" cars), The Blue Man Group, the musician, Kenny G., and soccer star Zinedine Zidane.

Missing millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett was to both invest, and be part of the new, pay-free GM and Wagoner said, that should he found alive, "the invitation still stands."

"We see quarter-after-quarter of record profits," said Wagoner.

Wagoner would not say if the celebrity-built automobiles will fetch a higher price than cars built by no-names or up-and-comers.

UAW's president, Ron Gettelfinger, was devastated, indicating he need to see the paperwork before commenting on any possible course of action. Gettelfinger urged his membership not to "be exploited" and reject taking part in this new GM business model.

Former Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich called the GM move "breathtaking"

"This will be a economic revolution like we've never seen before," gushed Reich. "My God, if a relatively new, intellectual property-based, on-line entity can raise that kind of money - and via a free labor pool - General Motors will set profit records that will stand for decades to come."

Reich declined to say if he will join the GM production line, but did admit it has caused him to daydream about it.

"Ohhh," cooed Reich, "I could build the car of my dreams."

Bonus Links, Written-For-Free

H/T To Barry Crimmins, and his Financial Modeling for Fun and Profiteers

Josh Wolf: Huffington Post doesn't plan to pay its bloggers

Valleywag: blogging for dollars - Huffington Post raises more cash

Dylan Tweney: This is the Future of the News: The Arianna Huffington Interview

With having GM change over to the The Huffington Post business model, as predicted by GM Chief Rick Wagoner, thousands are lining up to build cars for free

Garlic Exclusive! Congressional Strategy On Dealing With Bush Exposed By Salon Comic!

Oh My God!

It's out there, on-line, for all the world to see ...

Ruben Bolling, via his Tom the Dancing Bug comic strip, has exposed the Congressional strategy for how they plan on dealing with The Commander Guy and his Bush Grindhouse the remainder of their term.

The Garlic, making quick calls, reached Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to alert her to the leak, and Pelosi was not fazed, indicating that "Not kissing President Bush's ass is off the table".

Check out immediately "Do not tell President Bush about this!"

Bonus Links

Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug On Salon

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: If Juan Williams Had Taken President Bush To Sylvia's Restaurant In Harlem

News Item: Bush cherry picks Juan Williams for an interview and NPR refuses

10. Right off the bat, President nervous - Doesn't know whether to say "Hello" or "Hola"

9. President Bush surprised that Sylvia was no different than any other restaurant in Washington DC

8. CNN's Rick Sanchez would be standing outside, screaming at the top of his lungs, that he should be doing the interview

7. Williams starts bashing Ludacris and Snoop Dog and the President smiles, not knowing what-the-hell he was talking about and makes a mental note to check The Google when he got home

6. Sylvia, in advance of the visit, would have a special, phonetically-enhanced menu for the President

5. During the interview, Williams gets rattled when he thinks he sees a Phony Black Leader come into the restaurant

4. Williams would begin asking the President about how awful the Jena situation is and President would get defensive, telling Williams to leave his daughter out of the interview

3. Showing his Compassionate Conservatism, President Bush would ask the other patrons if their childrens were learning

2. To impress the President, Williams might order some "M-fer" Iced Tea

1. Bush starts thinking of a new nickname he could give himself, like "Soul Prez" or "Most Def Prez"

Bonus Links

Dan Froomkin: Bush's Media Cherry Picking

Howard Kurtz: NPR Rebuffs White House On Bush Talk; Radio Network Wanted To Choose Its Interviewer

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Kayne West Knows That President Bush Doesn't Care About

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Well, He Isn't The Shakespeare Guy ... And She Ain't No History Girl ...

With the day I had, I needed some light, easy pickin's ...

Maybe he was just being "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" ...

Maybe she was being forgetful ...

I can't help but wonder if it is, when you're Constitution-stomping, pre-emptive-war-loving Neocon, is the air they breath different? Does their food contain nutrients and vitamins not available to regular folk? Is it in the water they drink? Or is it just part of the daily drone of living in the unreality world they inhabit?

The Commander/Decider Guy surely must be getting tired of tasting his own foot.

In an staged event to hawk his "No Child Left Behind", the Compassionate Conservative served up this;

"Childrens do learn," Bush tells school kids

And this comes on the heels of his United Nations speech, in which his speech - the marked-up, phonetic-enhanced version - was posted on the U.N. Website.

Too bad he didn't have that at his "No Child Left Behind" gig ...

But Wait, There's More!

Our shining, soon-to-be-seen-on-a-milk-carton, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice must be getting desperate for some attention.

It has been a bit rough for her lately, with the Pope blowing her off, and, yet again, another article questioning who's sleeping in her bed popped up.

But, considering she's a Stanford gal, pretty well-educated, been around the block, so-to-speak, did she really have to resort to the over-used talking points to make her point, pumping up a dead terrorist far beyond what he probably ever dreamed of, with this gem;

Rice Compares Zarqawi To Ulysses S. Grant And Robert E. Lee

Holy mashed metaphors Batman!

I think, before their next public appearances, both of them need to spend some extra time on The Google.

Bonus Dynamic Duo Links

Our Girl Condi Gets A Theme Song - Neocons and Lovers

New Garlic Song: Bush Could Write A Book

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Breaking News! Bush Reaching Out To Columbia University's Bollinger With Plum Position

Believes School President Can Be Asset In Sliming War Critics, Up-Front and Face-To-Face; Cheney Wants Him For More Iran Bashing

It appears that Columbia University Lee Bollinger's 15-minutes in the spotlight yesterday may land him in the White House.

Sources have told The Garlic that the Bush Grindhouse flocked to televisions, as Bollinger, face-to-face, with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sitting a few feet away, and exorcised his school's invited guest, with blistering, double-barreled shots, including "Let’s, then, be clear at the beginning, Mr. President you exhibit all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator."

So impressed was the Grindhouse staff, that Vice President Dick Cheney, furiously scribbling in the margin of a newspaper, quickly whipped out his cellphone, calling former White House Smearmeister Karl Rove, ordering him to turn on his television and watch Bollinger.

Cheney, according to some of the staffers interviewed, was already making moves to bring Bollinger into his Iran Study Group.

"The President," offered one West Wing staffer who was present, "had tears in his eyes."

A spontaneous burst of applause and shouts erupted when Bollinger hit Ahmadinejad again with;

"For the illiterate and ignorant, this is dangerous propaganda. When you come to a place like this, this makes you, quite simply, ridiculous. You are either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated."

Our sources tell us that Chief of Staff Josh Bolten was the first to suggest bringing in Bollinger for a White House position.

Bolton was overheard saying to The Commander Guy that "he can slime our war critics, face-to-face ... Walk right up the hill and lay into them ... He's got a brass set balls on him ..."

"Boy, does he ...," The Decider Guy was said to respond to Bolten, adding that "he might just take the shine off of Turd Blossom's mantle ..."

And, according to our sources, when Bollinger ended his attack on Ahmadinejad with "I am only a professor, who is also a university president, and today I feel all the weight of the modern civilized world yearning to express the revulsion at what you stand for. I only wish I could do better," Bolten was already on the telephone to Columbia University, making arrangements for Bollinger to come down to Washington.

Reportedly, late into the evening, extra speech writers were ushered into the White House, to begin writing custom, individualized attacks on members of Congress, in preparation of Bollinger coming in and doing a read-through for The Commander Guy.

The White House officially refused comment on the report, and, when asked as she rushed into the White House, Homeland Security Advisor Fran Townsend offered "I didn't know there was a Columbia University."

More as this story develops

From the school house to the White House, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger is reportedly being tapped to become President Bush's new Smearmeister

Barry Crimmins - Humvee crisis grips USA!

When I first heard the news of the GM Strike yesterday (barely, underneath the cacophony of the Ahmadinejadpalooza), I had to pause ...

Wow, I thought, we're still making cars here ... We still actually have autoworkers ...

I suppose, it's just a matter of time before we start importing them - and likely heavily-bathed in lead paint - from China ...

Perhaps Ken Burns, riding high at the moment with his PBS documentary "The War" (Note to The Commander Guy - A real war), can begin working on his next project, a sepia-drenched, 'The Big Three',

I'm sure there's plenty of grainy, Super-8 home movies that will fill hours, upon hours, letting us, wistfully, look back at the day when Americans were gainfully employed, building American products, for other Americans, and an international consumer base, who looked America, at that time, as the beacon of light for a better life.

They look elsewhere now, and thanks to the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and the corporation cronies, that beacon has turned into a search light, sweeping the land, looking for the last few pennies laying on the ground that they can swoop in to stuff into their fattened corporate wallets ...

I digress ...

Check out America's satirist, Barry Crimmins and his post today;

Humvee crisis grips USA!

Visit Barry Crimmin's website

Other Barry Crimmins on The Garlic

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Visit To Columbia University

News Item: Ahmadinejad, big man on campus; The Iranian leader's visit to Columbia provoked outcry, support and a twist on free speech: "We're glad you're here -- so we can tell you you're an asshole."

10. Is it me or does this guy have only one suit?

9. Look, over in the Media pool - Isn't that Bill Belichick? Is he videotaping Ahmadinejad?

8. What's the University of Florida Campus Police doing here?

7. I heard he was coming here to enroll

6. Someone said they saw Ahmadinejad talking with Isiah Thomas and then, a few minutes later, Ahmadinejad was walking around, practicing pronouncing the word "bitch"

5. I heard he was gay

4. Ahmadinejad? ... Isn't that, that Syrian apricot leather stuff?

3. I don't want to start anything, but I was just in the Mens Room and Ahmadinejad was in there, in a stall, furiously tapping his foot

2. Some said the Bill O'Reilly is going to take him to dinner ... That knows a great restaurant up in Harlem

1. Mr. President, I don't think it would be in our best interests to add Columbia University to the Axis of Evil List

Bonus Links

Dana Milbank: Live From New York, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Unreality Show

Glenn Greenwald: Columbia to be punished for hosting the new Hitler enemy

Joe Gandelman: The Ahmadinejad Show: Less Horror Show And More Like Crossfire

I heard he was gay

Good Post Alert: Olbermann Rules!

As our regular readers know, The Garlic is an unabashed fan of MSNBC Countdown anchor Keith Olbermann.

The show is hip and that's largely due to the hipster Olbermann.

We've highlighted, via our Minced Garlic posts, his often searing, ripping, right-on-the-money Special Comments, taking apart the Bush Grindhouse lies, or the stripping away our civil liberties, and the conflation of politics and terror for nefarious purpose.

The current issue of The Nation offers a most entertaining take on Olbermann, his rise, what makes him tick. And, for the masses not hip, it also serves as a primer, dishing the dirt, be it the 'Oddball' feature or the 'Worst Person In the World' nightly award.

It's a good read so check it out.

Marvin Kitman: Olbermann Rules!

Bonus Keith-O Links

Keith Olbermann Blog - The Newshole

COMMENTARY: The death of habeas corpus; Olbermann: ‘The president has now succeeded where no one has before’

Olbermann: Lessons from the Vietnam War; Keith Olbermann responds to Bush's comparison between Vietnam and Iraq

Huffington Post: Olbermann First Anchor To Turn Spotlight On Rich Stickler's Mining Safety Record

Monday, September 24, 2007

Breaking News! Confusion, As Ahmadinejad Claims He's Enrolling In Columbia, Wants "Campus Life Experience"

State Department Says No Defection Or Asylum Requested; Levi's and Girls Gone Wild Videos Factor In Iranian President Decision

State Department officials are scrambling this morning, after reports surfaced that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made statements that he wasn't coming to speak at Columbia University, in New York City, but rather to enroll in the school.

Intercepted cables, which the government would neither confirm or deny were obtained via their illegal wiretapping program, and readings of the Iranian President's blog, as one State Department official close to the investigation characterized, that Ahmadinejad "longs for an American college campus life experience".

"He's obsessed with it," said the official. "All he talks about is wearing t-shirts and Levi's ... Hanging out in coffee shops ... And girls."

Reportedly, the Iranian President is a big fan of the 'Girls Gone Wild' videos and believes he's missing out on something. His desire to enter college, an American college, is the driving force to meet girls as depicted in the videos.

Ahmadinejad is said to be keen on "an Ivy League School", believing the girls he will meet will be "smarter and better breeders".

The Iranian President made no mention of his plans to enroll in Columbia during his '60-Minutes' interview broadcast last evening.

State Department officials say that Ahmadinejad has been working on this "for months", to coordinate the move with his trip to New York and General Assembly address at the United Nations.

It's not know when Ahmadinejad will formally ask for asylum, or even if he will. There are some indications, which officials won't divulge, that the Iranian President may simply just walk into Columbia University and enroll, without much fanfare.

Columbia University would offer no comment, however Dean John Coatsworth of Columbia's School of International and Public Affairs indicated, in an interview, that he would also admit Adolph Hitler, if the former Nazi Dictator applied for studies.

The university has refused to cancel the visit.

There is also unconfirmed reports that Ahmadinejad will be using his inflammatory rantings, such as the destruction of Israel, and his tirades against the United States as part of his admission essay, and is planning a double-major in Civics and Psychology.

There has been little to no news out of the Bush Grindhouse over this report of Ahmadinejad's plans, but sources have told The Garlic that, when apprised of the reports, Vice President Dick Cheney was livid.

"Hell, he can't do that," Cheney was reported to have fumed, as he was leaving to attend a meeting in Brooklyn, "It screws up all my plans."

More, as this story develops

Bonus Ahmadinejad Links

Daily Kos: Why I Have A Little Crush on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad “Sort Of An Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”; Said To Have Made Offer To Mexico; Ahmadinejad Claims Letter A Hoax, Cites Propaganda, Prelude To U.S. Invasion; Other World Leaders Received Similar Tomes; Mexico Offered Iran National Guard Deployed on Their Side of Border

The Garlic has obtained a rare photo of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said to be practicing "The Wave", in anticipation of attending his first Columbia University football game after he enrolls in the school

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Retro Garlic ... The Wheels On The Bicycle Go Round and Round ... Round and Round ... Round and Round ...

And they are supposed to go round-and-round on one's own natural physical power, at least in the land of big-time cycle racing, like, say ... The Tour de France ...

Thus, the now-former 2006 Tour Champion Floyd Landis will be stripped of his title, due to a panel holding up findings that showed positive for steroids;

Landis loses case - and Tour crown

And the Retro part, from August 2006;

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal; Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone; Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

It wasn't that long ago, that Landis was Retro-featured for the first time;

Retro Garlic ... Bonds Bashing and Landis Landing ... In The Lab ... Again

Everybody now, sing-along ... The Wheels On The Bicycle Go Round and Round ... Round and Round ... Round and Round ... The Wheels On The Bicycle Go Round and Round ... Round and Round ... Round and Round ... All through the town ..