Breaking News! Bush Reaching Out To Columbia University's Bollinger With Plum Position

Believes School President Can Be Asset In Sliming War Critics, Up-Front and Face-To-Face; Cheney Wants Him For More Iran Bashing

It appears that Columbia University Lee Bollinger's 15-minutes in the spotlight yesterday may land him in the White House.

Sources have told The Garlic that the Bush Grindhouse flocked to televisions, as Bollinger, face-to-face, with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sitting a few feet away, and exorcised his school's invited guest, with blistering, double-barreled shots, including "Let’s, then, be clear at the beginning, Mr. President you exhibit all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator."

So impressed was the Grindhouse staff, that Vice President Dick Cheney, furiously scribbling in the margin of a newspaper, quickly whipped out his cellphone, calling former White House Smearmeister Karl Rove, ordering him to turn on his television and watch Bollinger.

Cheney, according to some of the staffers interviewed, was already making moves to bring Bollinger into his Iran Study Group.

"The President," offered one West Wing staffer who was present, "had tears in his eyes."

A spontaneous burst of applause and shouts erupted when Bollinger hit Ahmadinejad again with;

"For the illiterate and ignorant, this is dangerous propaganda. When you come to a place like this, this makes you, quite simply, ridiculous. You are either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated."

Our sources tell us that Chief of Staff Josh Bolten was the first to suggest bringing in Bollinger for a White House position.

Bolton was overheard saying to The Commander Guy that "he can slime our war critics, face-to-face ... Walk right up the hill and lay into them ... He's got a brass set balls on him ..."

"Boy, does he ...," The Decider Guy was said to respond to Bolten, adding that "he might just take the shine off of Turd Blossom's mantle ..."

And, according to our sources, when Bollinger ended his attack on Ahmadinejad with "I am only a professor, who is also a university president, and today I feel all the weight of the modern civilized world yearning to express the revulsion at what you stand for. I only wish I could do better," Bolten was already on the telephone to Columbia University, making arrangements for Bollinger to come down to Washington.

Reportedly, late into the evening, extra speech writers were ushered into the White House, to begin writing custom, individualized attacks on members of Congress, in preparation of Bollinger coming in and doing a read-through for The Commander Guy.

The White House officially refused comment on the report, and, when asked as she rushed into the White House, Homeland Security Advisor Fran Townsend offered "I didn't know there was a Columbia University."

More as this story develops

From the school house to the White House, Columbia University President Lee Bollinger is reportedly being tapped to become President Bush's new Smearmeister

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Visit To Columbia University

News Item: Ahmadinejad, big man on campus; The Iranian leader's visit to Columbia provoked outcry, support and a twist on free speech: "We're glad you're here -- so we can tell you you're an asshole."

10. Is it me or does this guy have only one suit?

9. Look, over in the Media pool - Isn't that Bill Belichick? Is he videotaping Ahmadinejad?

8. What's the University of Florida Campus Police doing here?

7. I heard he was coming here to enroll

6. Someone said they saw Ahmadinejad talking with Isiah Thomas and then, a few minutes later, Ahmadinejad was walking around, practicing pronouncing the word "bitch"

5. I heard he was gay

4. Ahmadinejad? ... Isn't that, that Syrian apricot leather stuff?

3. I don't want to start anything, but I was just in the Mens Room and Ahmadinejad was in there, in a stall, furiously tapping his foot

2. Some said the Bill O'Reilly is going to take him to dinner ... That knows a great restaurant up in Harlem

1. Mr. President, I don't think it would be in our best interests to add Columbia University to the Axis of Evil List


Bonus Links

Dana Milbank: Live From New York, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Unreality Show

Glenn Greenwald: Columbia to be punished for hosting the new Hitler enemy

Joe Gandelman: The Ahmadinejad Show: Less Horror Show And More Like Crossfire

I heard he was gay

Breaking News! Confusion, As Ahmadinejad Claims He's Enrolling In Columbia, Wants "Campus Life Experience"

State Department Says No Defection Or Asylum Requested; Levi's and Girls Gone Wild Videos Factor In Iranian President Decision

State Department officials are scrambling this morning, after reports surfaced that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made statements that he wasn't coming to speak at Columbia University, in New York City, but rather to enroll in the school.

Intercepted cables, which the government would neither confirm or deny were obtained via their illegal wiretapping program, and readings of the Iranian President's blog, as one State Department official close to the investigation characterized, that Ahmadinejad "longs for an American college campus life experience".

"He's obsessed with it," said the official. "All he talks about is wearing t-shirts and Levi's ... Hanging out in coffee shops ... And girls."

Reportedly, the Iranian President is a big fan of the 'Girls Gone Wild' videos and believes he's missing out on something. His desire to enter college, an American college, is the driving force to meet girls as depicted in the videos.

Ahmadinejad is said to be keen on "an Ivy League School", believing the girls he will meet will be "smarter and better breeders".

The Iranian President made no mention of his plans to enroll in Columbia during his '60-Minutes' interview broadcast last evening.

State Department officials say that Ahmadinejad has been working on this "for months", to coordinate the move with his trip to New York and General Assembly address at the United Nations.

It's not know when Ahmadinejad will formally ask for asylum, or even if he will. There are some indications, which officials won't divulge, that the Iranian President may simply just walk into Columbia University and enroll, without much fanfare.

Columbia University would offer no comment, however Dean John Coatsworth of Columbia's School of International and Public Affairs indicated, in an interview, that he would also admit Adolph Hitler, if the former Nazi Dictator applied for studies.

The university has refused to cancel the visit.

There is also unconfirmed reports that Ahmadinejad will be using his inflammatory rantings, such as the destruction of Israel, and his tirades against the United States as part of his admission essay, and is planning a double-major in Civics and Psychology.

There has been little to no news out of the Bush Grindhouse over this report of Ahmadinejad's plans, but sources have told The Garlic that, when apprised of the reports, Vice President Dick Cheney was livid.

"Hell, he can't do that," Cheney was reported to have fumed, as he was leaving to attend a meeting in Brooklyn, "It screws up all my plans."

More, as this story develops

Bonus Ahmadinejad Links

Daily Kos: Why I Have A Little Crush on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Ahmadinejad “Sort Of An Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”; Said To Have Made Offer To Mexico; Ahmadinejad Claims Letter A Hoax, Cites Propaganda, Prelude To U.S. Invasion; Other World Leaders Received Similar Tomes; Mexico Offered Iran National Guard Deployed on Their Side of Border


















The Garlic has obtained a rare photo of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said to be practicing "The Wave", in anticipation of attending his first Columbia University football game after he enrolls in the school