Saturday, December 10, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 December 2005

In an effort to battle rising unemployment, the European Union audtioned thousands of applicants to fill newly created jobs as "human flags"

Citing the rising cost of energy prices, Santa Claus, seen here training in an undisclosed Artic location, is parking the sleigh this year and will deliver all the toys and gifts via swimming. Instead of coal, bad children will receive a piece of coral in their stockings

An arrest warrent was issued for the Dalai Lama in The Netherlands, after he failed to show up in court to defend against assault charges. The High Priest is accused of "headbutting a minor".

The Pentagon announced Friday that all military personnel will soon be issued a pocket-sized edition of the "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", so that "there is never a doubt" about what the mission is.

A new communique from Osama bin Laden, warned not of any new terror strikes but of, beginning in January, all new broadcasts from the Al-Qaeda leader will be in High Definition TV.

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
warms up for her upcoming appearance on the "Tonight Show", where she will join host Jay Leno in a skit, reprising the late Johnny Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent".

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday 9 December 2005

Lieberman Officially Withdraws From 2000 Ticket; Prelude To Taking Bush Cabinet Post

With Rumsfeld Saying He's Staying, Appointment May Hinge On Cheney Indictment For Last Political Hoorah

DNC, Dean, Gore Livid: Must Fill VP Position Retroactively Or Face Default On Top Of Loss

Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) stunned colleagues and his own party elders when he filed today, the official paperwork to remove himself from the 2000 Presidential ticket, as Al Gore's Vice Presidential running-mate.

The Gore-Lieberman ticket lost to now President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney in the bitterly contested election, that required the United States Supreme Court to settle and decide the race, after a deeply flawed vote count in the State of Florida.

Washington insiders say the move by Lieberman, who has recently been backing President Bush's vision and strategy for the War in Iraq, is likely a formality, a prelude to Lieberman joining, as has been hotly rumored all over the Capital, the Bush Administration, possiblly replacing a retiring Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense.

The Democratic National Committee, and its' Chairman, Gov. Howard Dean, issued a statement lambasting Lieberman "for his betrayal".

"He must be a loser if he wants to join a losing team", said Dean.

Former Vice President, and 2000 Presidential nominee Al Gore said that he "was deeply disappointed" and if he had known, "would never have chosen Lieberman" as his running mate.

A spokesperson for the Federal Election Committee indicated that Liberman can, legally, withdraw from the race "even though it's over".

"It's really just a matter of filing out some forms", said the spokesperson.

The Withdrawal forms are then copied to both poltical parties, and, in the case of the 2000 election, copies were also sent to the Supreme Court.

According to the FEC spokesperson Gore must choose a new running-mate, despite that the election is over, or legally and technically, he will be faced with a default, on top of the already-recorded loss.

And late yesterday, cold water was splashed on the rumors when Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated that he is not retiring anytime soon.

"I have no plans to retire," said Rumsfeld. "Those reports have been flying around since about four months after I assumed my post in 2001."

President Bush has not, publically, indicated, that he is ready to bring Lieberman into the Administration. However. The President has gone out of his way to praise and quote Liberman as he stumps to promote his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

To counter the blistering and growing criticism, from Democrats, and also Republican members of the House and Senate, the President cites Senator Lieberman, one of his strongest Democratic supporters, and Lieberman's comments that "visible and practical progress were obvious in Iraq"

Lieberman, in speeches, has lined himself up with President Bush, saying that “the war (in Iraq), which arguably began as a “war of choice” has become a “war of necessity”

Liberman also chided his fellow Democrats, calling that "it is time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be Commander-in-Chief for three more critical years, and that in matters of war we undermine Presidential credibility at our nation’s peril".

Lieberman has refused comment on whether he plans to join the Bush Administration, deferring questions to RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman.

'He's out on the ledge right now", says David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

"With Rummy saying he's staying, Lieberman's only hope, really, is if Cheney gets indicted. There aren't any other Cabinet members shaking out in the forseeable future".

"This is", says Aarsonson, "really his last hurrah. Weicker is lining up, possibly, to run against him in '06' and Hillary will eat his lunch if he goes for the nomination in 2008".

Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby was indicted back in October, in the CIA Leak Case, in the CIA Leak Case, and Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is continuing the investigation, having recently convined a secord grand jury to hear evidence.

Speculation is rampent that longtime Bush aide Karl Rove, and possibly Cheney and other administration officials could be hit with indictments.

In a related story, Bob Woodward, Washington Post reporter and author, says that he knew of the 2000 Presidental Election results and the courts battles that followed, but didn't tell his editors or colleagues because he was "afraid they would want me to write a book on it".

Joe Lieberman's withdrawal from the 2000 Democratic ticket places former Vice President Al Gore in jeopardy of having a "default" added to his loss

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Chris Rock Won't Be Hosting The Oscars This Year

10. Older Academy members thought his UPN show "Everybody Hates Chris" was a news report and complained

9. Fearful that Ann Coulter will heckle and throw pies at him

8. Collin Farrell, Toby Maguire and Chris Penn threatened to kick his ass if he shows up

7. He's not part of the "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

6. Jude Law threatened the Academy with a lawsuit

5. ABC couldn't risk what he would say about "Brokeback Mountain" or "Memoirs of a Geisha"

4. Getting flak from American Family Association, because he had use of a leased Jaguar last year

3. Since people say he "bombed" last year, worried about Air Marshalls on flight out to Hollywood and what they might do

2. Holding out that he still has a chance to get named as another anchor of 'Nightline'

1. Kayne West was right; Bush Administration put some heat on Academy to get a white host this year

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Thursday 8 December 2005

Bush Team Miffed 'Podcast" Wins Word-Of-Year; Cites Media Lockout of Good News

Sponsored Three Words For Award; Apple To Issue Special Edition "Dictionary-Thick" iPod

It may become the new "war of words" as the New Oxford American Dictionary announced that "Podcast" is its' Word-of-the-Year, a move that has upset the Bush Administration.

White House Chief of Staff Andy Card said in a statement that "we are deeply disappointed".

The White House sponsored three words this year for the title of 'Word-of-the-Year; Terrorist, Karl Rove and, a late entry, National Strategy For Victory In Iraq.

'The White House, WHIG and a whole team of right-wing pundits made a tremendous effort", said Card. "We beat the drum long and loud for 'terrorist' and 'Karl Rove'. Though we came in late with the 'National Strategy entry, we believed it had the strength to rise up the ladder".

The White House was completely shut out of the awards, as Runners-up for the 2005 Word of the Year included "bird flu", "lifehack", "sudoku", "trans fat" and "persistent vegetative state".

Ironically, IED (improvised explosive device, such as a car bomb) was a Runner-up finalist, however that word was sponsored by Al-Qaeda.

In a candid interview with reporters, Card said "we did waiver a bit on 'terrorist'".

'The President wasn't as consistent with it as he could have been", admitted Card. "For awhile, he was running with 'global enemies' and there was the constant inter-changing with the word 'insurgents'. I think Rummy [Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld] finally put it out last week, that it was just plain old 'terrorists'".

Card lamented that Karl Rove "wasn't indicted" in the CIA Leak Case.

"That still may come to pass", said Card. "It it had happened earlier, or along with Scooter, I think it would have been a slam dunk we get the title".

Speaking officially for the President, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that "the President believes that the real story isn't getting out there".

"The President feels that the mainstream and liberal media in this country, as well as in Europe, are ignoring the tremendous effort and progress we are making in Iraq. Not winning Word-of-the-Year is just another example of being overlooked."

Apple Computer, according to a spokesperson, was "ecstatic" on having "podcast" enter the mainstream lexicon.

To celebrate the title, Apple quickly announced a new "Word-of-the-Year" iPod that will be release early in 2006.

Moving away from the standard, micro, paper-thin iPods, the "Word-of-the-Year" iPod will be "as thick as a dictionary" and have the capacity to "hold the contents of ten dictionaries, plus over 1-million songs".

"You could jump-start your car with the battery from this iPod", said the Apple spokesperson.

In releasing the new "Word-of-the-Year" iPod, Apple will also make available for downloading, dictionaries, from a new section in their iTune franchise, tentatively titled iWord. Only owners of the Special Edition "Word-of-the-Year iPod will be able to download from iWord, and can do so, either purchasing the entire dictionary, specific letters, or a la carte words.

In an exclusive photo provided to The Garlic, Apple Computer engineers work on the soon-to-be-released Special Edition Word-of-the-Year iPod, expected to be available in early 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Worse Than Ann Coulter Being Unable To Finish Her Speech At College

10. That the college says they'll bring her back to finish speech

9. It will probably spur her book sales

8. Fodder for Hannity & Colmes to harp about for the next two-weeks

7. President Bush thinks of her as a "positive" in his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

6. Actually, President Bush's new Iraq strategy just might allow her to "Christianize the Muslims at gunpoint"

5. Ann Coulter starting a speech

4. She has the potential to actually learn how to write and speak intelligently some day

3. Likely to become a Bill O'Reilly "Talking Points Memo"

2. In what has to be a sign of the End of Days, she marries Rush Limbaugh and they have children!

1. Since she's on Fox News programs so much, they actually give her a show of her own

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Wednesday 7 December 2005

Bush Cites Progress In Rebranding Iraq As Terror Center

WHIG Relieved As President Dismisses Critics and Media; Goes Retro To Tie In Pearl Harbor

Despite admitting of "some problems", President Bush today, in his second speech to define his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", went back to the original gameplan in branding the Iraq insurgency as "terrorists" and labeling, overall, that "we must recognize Iraq as the central front in the war on terror."

White House officials were nervous today, as the President gave his speech, to the Council on Foreign Relations - his first to a non-uniformed, military audience in recent memory. The President also abandoned his new term, "rejectionists" and returned to the straight-ahead title of "terrorists".

"We're still working on that", cited Dan Bartlett, Special Councilor to the President. "He's been so used to saying 'terrorist" that 'rejectionist' just doesn't roll off his tongue that easily".

The White House Iraq Group, led by Karl Rove and Andy Card, and whose members includes Karen Hughes, Mary Matalin, James R. Wilkinson, Nicholas E. Calio, Condoleezza Rice, Stephen Hadley (and,, formerly, Lewis (Scooter) Libby, issued a statement in which they stated "relief that the President hasn't put us out of business".

"We have too much invested," the statement read, "to have to backtrack at this point. There's a great deal of misinformation and smears that we've yet to release".

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, a WHIG member, also stayed on message yesterday, defending the Bush Administration's use of the secret prisions and "extraordinary rendition", warning European allies of withholding United States support if they insist on criticizing the United States anti-terror programs.

Invoking the Administration's original position of "you're either with us or against us", Rice told the European Union "That co-operation is a two-way street," arguing European lives had been saved as a result.

"It is up to those governments and their citizens to decide if they wish to work with us to prevent terrorist attacks against their own country or other countries, and decide how much sensitive information they can make public," she added

Bartlett indicated that all members of the Bush Administratioin "are on the job" and that "getting back to our core message is like riding a bicycle".

Yesterday, Vice President Cheney, in a speech at Fort Drum in northern New York got on message and offered additional support to the President's "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", heavy-handedly dismissing critics, saying "a sudden withdrawal would be unwise in the extreme."

"To leave that country before the job is done would be to hand Iraq over to car bombers and assassins," he said.

The President used his speech today to refocus the publics attention that Iraq is the spot, as the Administration has contended, as the vortex of terrorism.

"The terrorists have made it clear that Iraq is the central front in their way against humanity," he said. "So we must recognize Iraq as the central front in the war on terror."

Senator John Murtha (D-PA), who has been openly critical of the Bush Administration's handling of the War in Iraq, and two-weeks ago, called for a stragegic, planned withdrawal is dismissive of the President calling Iraq "the centor front on the war on terror", citing U.S. Military data that says "only about 7%" of the attacks carried out in Iraq are from Al-Qeada and other terror groups.

The President surprised even the WHIG members by going off script in his speech today by tying in the attack on Pearl Harbor 64-years ago to the present fight against terrorism.

"Today, we mark the anniversary of a fateful day in American history," he said. "On Dec. 7, 1941, our peaceful nation awoke to an attack plotted in secret and executed without mercy."

The President added that the attack of Pearl Harbor roused "a great generation of Americans" and that the terrorist attacks of four-years ago would continue to be avenged.

As had been widely reported and covered, from both independent and Congressional investigations, no link between Saddam Hussein and the 9/11 attacks has ever been established.

Bartlett refused to comment on the President, and Administration repeated use of tying the Iraqi War to Sept 11th but did say it "was a nice touch, to bring in Pearl Harbor".

Washington Post Reporter and author Bob Woodward indicated that he "has heard of Pearl Harbor" and believes he "knows the full story" but has yet to advise is editors and colleagues of that information.

President Bush today, following his speech, introduced two new agents in his "Nationa Strategy For Victory In Iraq", indicating the pair is "pure dynamite".

Top Ten Cloves: Ramifications For Ford Motor Co. Dropping Advertising In Gay Publications

10. Will have to eat the RuPaul endorsement contract

9. Continuing talks with American Family Association; Can offer juicy dirt on Chrysler if they leave Ford alone

8. Scared at least 15% of Ford Executives to stay in the closet

7. Sales people don't have to bother with the "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" part of the pitch

6. Can drop the optional "Mini-Liberace-Chandelier" for special-edition Jaguars

5. Still being hounded by Vatican, to get sales records of any priests that bought Land Rovers or Jaguars

4. Got strong endorsement from Tom Cruise, who said he'll keep driving his Jaguar

3. Working on spinning dropping Gay advertising is part of President Bush's new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

2. Glad boycott called off but knows it will lose about 35% of sales to Conservative Christians who will protest the cancelled Ads

1. Stuck with 25,000 Melissa Etheridge-Edition Land Rovers

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Tuesday 6 December 2005

Cheney Backs DeLay At Fundraiser, Despite Upheld Charges

VP Promises Former House Leader "Strong Iraq Press"; Cheney Takes Cut From Gate For New "Bunker" Fund

Representative Tom DeLay's (R-TX) comeback was derailed yesterday as a Texas Judge let stand two substantial charges of money laundering, after dismissing a third charge of conspiracy to violate the election code by making an illegal corporate contribution.

The charges against DeLay, that forced him to resign from his House Majority Leader post, involve $190,000 of corporate donations that the state says was routed through Republican National Committee to Texas-based Republican political actions committees and then to Texas Republicans running for office in the Texas legislature.

According to the New York Times, Dick DeGuerin, DeLay's lawyer, said, "We won more than they did," contending that the remaining charges would be "impossible to prove."

DeLay denies the charges and, as a precautionary move, as reported by The Garlic, DeLay signed a deal with a Japanese firm to handle his money laundering.

"Tommy know more ways to skin an armadillo that anyone else in Texas", said Billy "Spurs" Hollingworth, editor of the newsletter, "On The Take", that tracks Tom DeLay.

In an effort to deflect the news that he will have to stand trial, DeLay got a boost of support from Vice President Dick Cheney, who appeared at a hurricane-postponed GOP fundraiser in Houston last night, singing the praises of DeLay, saying that "he valued the support Mr. DeLay has shown to the president and vice president in both the good times and difficult times. He's not a fair-weather friend."

The fundraiser had been scheduled for September, until Hurricane Rita struck, with the top-dollar tickets selling for $4,200.

In addition to praising DeLay, Cheney also offered the Bush Administrations support.

"I can tell you now", said the Vice President, "that the Iraqi press will be giving you very favorable coverage and, I will predict, that you will win the unanimous endorsement of every single newspaper over there".

As to the charges against DeLay, the Vice President laid blame on "the lying liberal media and that candy-ass, "#@%$!" Senator John McCain", drawing a boisterous response from the crowd.

Cheney, upon leaving the event, refused to confirm or deny that, over this past weekend, he held Senator McCain, against his will in the Secret Bunker, in an effort to have McCain drop his position against allowing any torture of captured terrorists.

DeLay will be facing former U.S. Congressman Nick Lampson, who served four terms in the U.S. House before his Southeast Texas district was redrawn to elect a Republican in a DeLay-engineered plan, in the 2006 Congressional Elections.

Cheney's appearance, and support, at the DeLay fundraiser was said to come at a steep price.

The Vice President, according to Hollingsworth, "was getting 40% of the gate".

"He's calling it 'The Bunker Fund'. It goes towards all the things they can't pay for over-the-table. The Iraqi media, the secret prisons and the legal fund, for Scooter Libby. I hear that they're building another fund to defend against the torture cases coming down the road".

In boasting of that the U.S. economy was "booming", President Bush cited that "even hats are very popular and selling extremely well this holiday season".

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Were Different With The White House Christmas Party Yesterday

10. The Lincoln Group wrote all new Christmas music

9. They used the Lincoln Bedroom to torture suspected terrorists, but with a Holiday theme to it

8. Because of his pending trial, Jack Abramoff couldn't funnel in as much money to it this year

7. Instead of being kissed under the holly, person had to come with another reason to justify staying in Iraq

6. The Christmas Tree in the West Wing was just like the ones they'll be cutting down in Alaska when they begin to drill for oil

5. No punch this year - Former FEMA Director Michael Brown was supposed to bring it

4. Gifts were wrapped with Iraqi newspapers, but each had a personalized headline

3. Vice President Cheney was at Texas fundraiser for Tom DeLay but sent his #@$%#! Regards

2. White House Staff pitched in to get President Bush new DVD player- Old one was burnt out from over usage

1. Lewis 'Scooter" Libby was Santa Claus this year - it was the only way they could get him into the White House

Monday, December 05, 2005

Breaking News!
McCain Says Abducted and Grilled By Cheney; Won't Budge On Torture Ban

Held For Two-Days In Secret Bunker; Hadley Defends 'Discussion", Saying Part of New National Victory Strategy

Only hours before his appearance with Tim Russert, on NBC's "Meet The Press", Senator John McCain was released from Vice President Dick Cheney's Secret Bunker, after what McCain says was "two-days of being grilled" over McCain's efforts to ban the U.S. Military from torturing detainees.

The Arizona Republican, himself a victim of torture from when he was a prisoner-of-war during the Vietnam conflict, said that he "was held against my will" and "harshly interrogated and threatened' by the Vice Presidents and "at least three other people".

McCain says that it was suggested that he could be shipped to one of the CIA-run "Black Holes" if he didn't change his position and take the torture ban language out of pending legislation.

McCain has declined and refused to back away from the banning of torture.

McCain (R-AZ) has a pending amendment in the Senate that would ban torture and inhumane treatment of prisoners that Vice President Cheney opposes and has sought and lobbied for an exemption for the CIA and their covert "black holes".

McCain says he was invited by the Vice President to the Secret Bunker on Thursday evening, for dinner and "to talk". Upon his arrival, McCain says he was "drugged" with a pre-dinner cocktail and handcuffed to a chair. There, the grilling began, with Cheney and others verbally badgering McCain to "take out the torture ban".

McCain believes he "passed out" during the second day and only remembers being dropped off in front of the studio for his "Meet The Press" appearance.

While host Tim Russert made no mention of how McCain looked, blogger Arianna Huffington did, noting in her weekly "Russert Watch" column that "the marquee guest was John McCain. Or, should I say, "John McCain." The guy who showed up on Meet the Press this morning looked like McCain, but didn't sound like McCain …"

Stephen Hadley, Assistant to the President For National Security Affairs, was on ABC's "This Week," yesterday morning and defended President Bush's assertion that the United States does not torture detainees and follows international conventions on the treatment of prisoners.

When reached for comment on the McCain charges, Hadley did confirm a "dinner" that he attended on Thursday with McCain and the Vice President.

"It was a dinner and post-dinner discussion", offered Hadley. "Both Senator McCain and the Vice President have strong beliefs on this subject and it was a spirited talk at times. As to hold the Senator against his will, I can't say I witnessed that.

Hadley added that "if McCain was held and grilled" that it would likely be "part of the new National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" and "completely justified".

"Then again, as I can recount", said Hadley. "It was merely a dinner and a hearty, at time, fierce, debate by two great U.S. patriots".

Hadley also pointed out to the favorable coverage by the Iraqi media as to the "intelligence-gathering techniques" employed by the CIA and U.S. Military.

The White House announced today, that in order to reach a younger audience with the new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", President Bush recorded "a really def rap" version of it, that will run on MTV, VH! and other youth-oriented television programs

News In Brief 5 December 2005

Rumsfeld Blames Contractor, If Media Plant Stories True, But Defends Outsourcing Program

Says "Still Gathering Facts"; If It Turns Out Positive, Will Be Adopted Into New 'National Victory Strategy' Plan

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today clearly laid the fault of the placement of paid news stories in the Iraqi media at the feet of the private contractor, but did so with conditions.

In a speech, written by the Lincoln Group, at Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies, Rumsfeld indicated that "all the facts aren't known".

On Friday, The Garlic reported that the Central Intelligence Agency was running a network of "Blue Holes", newspapers at which detainees captured in the War Against Terrorism were forced into labor.

Rumsfeld refused comment on the report and did not mention the the "Blue Holes" in his speech or comments today.

'Goodness, this just dropped on us on Friday last," said the beleaguered Secretary. "That was two-days ago … Jeekers, we have channels to go through, time zones, translation issues. It could take months to get to the root of this".

Rumsfeld clarified his remarks, saying that it "will be the contractor's fault, if we get too much negative criticism". Rumsfeld stated that "so far, we haven't heard a pip" and, if it is deemed a positive move, the practice will quickly be placed in President Bush's new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq".

Rumsfeld also defended his, and the Bush Administration's. escalation of outsourcing military and government operations to private contractors.

"This is too much to go into here", said Rumsfeld. 'There are many issues we have to deal with in going to war and mainting our troops while in battle. We've had tremendous, tremendous success with our Outsourcing Program … Even the Iraqi media has given us high marks for it".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Oprah's Visit To The Letterman Show

10. Jeez, it's so cold in here, what are they doing, preserving Ed Sullivan cryogenically?

9. If he tries to get me to do "Will It Float?", I'm outta here!

8. You can tell Dave is excited, he's wearing his favorite white socks

7. I wonder if I could get Oprah to do a "Stupid Human Trick"?

6. Why did I do this? I should have invited Uma Thurman instead

5. Should I go out there? I mean, does he get any ratings anymore?

4. He's probably going to hit me up for some free 'Color Purple' tickets

3. Oh boy, now I know why I stayed away for 16-years

2. Biff, you're okay with doing this drag thing? …It's only if Oprah doesn't show up

1. What a ripoff? She's not going to give our audience cars!