Saturday, July 28, 2007

Breaking News! "That's al-Qaeda Talking" On Riff Between Maliki And Golden Boy General

President Blaming Terror Group; Claims Classified Wiretap Program Shows Scripted Dialog Given To Iraqi PM

President Bush, first setting the stage with his weekly radio address, came out today squarely blaming the terrorist group al-Qaeda for the burgeoning squabble between Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and U.S General David Petraeus.

The Bush Grindhouse would only say they blamed al-Qaeda, alternately citing al-Qaeda in Iraq, and al-Qaeda central, based in their safe haven in Pakistan.

"We know", offered White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, "that al-Qaeda is - literally - putting words in his mouth."

This revelation came after reports of growing tension between Maliki and Bush's 'Golden Boy" General mushroomed to the point that Maliki appealed directly to President Bush to replace Petraeus, to remove him from operations in Iraq.

When pressed by reporters how the President knew it was al-Qaeda, Snow referred to the controversial Terrorist Surveillance Program.

"Now, understand, I can't go into specifics," Snow pleaded, "so, let's say that our intelligence from a classified surveillance program gave us this valuable information."

Snow would neither confirm or deny if it was the same TSP, the one the President confirmed, and that Crony General Alberto Gonzales lied about in his appearance testifying this week, or if it was Gonzales additional lie of it being "other intelligence activities".

Coincidently, in his weekly radio address, The Commander Guy badgered Congress to update the The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act.

"The President needs a better FISA program," said Snow. "We had the terrorists pulling dry runs last week... We have to be able to take action and can't be stopping and asking this judge, or this senator if it's okay if we listen to a phone call ... Or read an email ... American lives are at stake here."

"It's all part of al Qaeda in Iraq strategy," Snow continued. "They attack us on September 11th, fan an insurgency after we liberate the country, and now want us to leave so they can take over the country. They're telling Maliki what to say in an effort to push us out."

Snow would not confirm if the latest NIE report offered evidence that al-Qaeda in Iraq was putting words in Maliki's mouth, citing the most sensitive information is classified.

Snow wouldn't comment on the reports of a growing rift with Saudi Arabia, that has the Saudis distributing fake reports that lie about Maliki and his government.

"I can't comment on that at this time, confessed Snow. "We still looking that one over ... It could be al Qaeda in Iraq's work, or it could be coming from al Qaeda Central ... We are pretty certain it has al Qaeda fingerprints on it..."

Snow, also, would neither confirm or deny reports circulating around Washington that al Qaeda was responsible for attempting to send electrical interference in the area near the hospital where Vice President Dick Cheney was today, having his heart defibrillator replaced.

Sources tell The Garlic that there was tension between the Bush Grind House and the Vice President's office, after the Secret Service picked up the stray currents of unexplained electricity.

The Bush Grindhouse argued that al Qaeda should be blamed for it, while the OVP lobbied that it was clearly coming from Iran, and a full, military reponse should be ordered.

Furthermore, Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R- CT) was said to side with Cheney and the OVP, and was prepared to call the Senate into session today, and sponsor legislation for an attack on Iran.

Both plans stalled, after Crony General Alberto Gonzales was said to be "totally confused" on which set of intelligence - Iraq or Iran - he was to lie about next.

Bonus Links

Think Progress: The Ever Changing Definition of ‘Mission’ In Iraq

Glenn Greenwald: Various items ...(Update III -- with Bush's radio address tomorrow re: FISA)

TalkLeft: NewSpeak: Bush's FISA Proposal

President Bush is said to be outraged, and blaming al Qaeda for the rift between General David Petraeus and Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

Thursday, July 26, 2007

More Bad News For McCain; Death Cat Curling Up Next To His Campaign Photos

Senator and Presidential Hopeful Drops F-Bomb, As Feline Grim Reaper Maintains Streak, Giving Signal That McCain Effort Over;

In the "What Else Can Go Wrong Department", reports indicated that the uncanny Rhode Island nursing home cat that foresees death, is said to have been curling up next to newspaper campaign photos of Senator John McCain (R-AZ).

Additionally, Oscar the Death Cat at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, R.I. runs and sits under the television whenever the Senator is on the screen.

McCain, the ardent supporter of President Bush's invasion and occupation of Iraq, and 2008 Presidential hopeful, has seen his campaign sink, dogged by headlines in recent weeks of "John McCain goes off the rails", "McCain's Meltdown" and "The Implosion Of Senator John McCain" as well as the abandonment of staffers rivaling the sinking of the Titanic, including more yesterday, when his media team resigned.

Now, having Oscar the Death Cat stalking him, even from a distance, can't be an encouraging sign for the man who's heading to be the modern day Alf Landon.

"He's a cat with an uncanny instinct for death," said Dr. David M. Dosa, assistant professor at the Brown University School of Medicine and a geriatric specialist, in a Boston Globe interview. "He attends deaths. He's pretty insistent on it."

Oscar has foreseen 25 deaths in the two-years he's been at the nursing home.

Officially, the McCain camp (well, what's left of it, which may be better described as an outing or gathering) would offer no comment.

However, sources have told The Garlic, that when McCain was told about Oscar the Death Cat, the Senator launched into one of his trademark explosions.

"Now", seethed McCain, "I have a fucking cat weighing in on my campaign ... A fucking little, mangy, stinking fucking cat is gonna tell me I can't run for President ... What is this, the Daily Kos's cat! ... Move-Fucking-On programming fucking cats now to screw with me! ..."

McCain, sources in attendance said, then tore of his his flak jacket and stormed out of the room, still mumbling about the cat.

"It's really sad", offered Irena Dubrovna, who publishes "The GOP Litter Box" an advice and information newsletter for Republicans who own cats, but are conflicted that their feline pets aren't self-sufficient, "but not all that surprising."

"I mean, McCain ... In a Blackberry, IM, YouTube world, John McCain is Morse Code and carbon paper ... It's not surprising that this cat would catch his campaign's death scent."

Bonus Links

McCain - Obama Feud Update; Obama Grammy Sends McCain Heading Into Studio

McCain Says Abducted and Grilled By Cheney; Won't Budge On Torture Ban; Held For Two-Days In Secret Bunker; Hadley Defends 'Discussion", Saying Part of New National Victory Strategy

McCain explodes after learning Oscar the Death Cat has signaled his presidential campaign is over

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell The Shuttle Astronauts Are Drunk

News Item: Report: Drunk astronauts allowed on shuttle

10. Drunk astronauts make a few stops, to pick up their friends

9. Astronauts prank call the White House, telling the President that they found the WMD's in outer space

8. Continually take unauthorized space walks, to go back to shuttle's engine to light their cigarettes

7. Don't have to worry about walking a straight line in a no-gravity environment

6. Keeps calling mission control with "Whitney Houston, you have a problem", followed by a lot of giggling

5. Start singing "Fly Me To The Moon" and then say, "Hey, why not ..." and change course to head there

4. Going through space, they forget to put their headlights on

3. Alarm for bay doors opening-and-closing going off constantly - They're tossing away empty beer cans

2. Once they reach the Russian Space Station, badger the Russian cosmonauts to hit up their Tang with a little vodka

1. Come in landing at Edwards Air Force Base steering the shuttle with their feet

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Barry Crimmins with "Our Space"

Spot-on posting by satirist Barry Crimmins, with his "Our Space" yesterday.

Crimmins rails against the state of entertainment, working for free, Huffington, Murdoch and television executives (and I might be willing to wager there's already been half-a-dozen breakfast meetings on the prospects and logistics of launching his "Piss On Yourself" reality show).

Read Barry Crimmins' Our Space

Visit Barry Crimmins Website

Barry Crimmins On The Garlic

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Crony General: "Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time ..."

This should have been Pay-Per-View today ... Line up the tour, secure the "eight-page layout with Viceroy" ...

The Crony General is not a thinking man!

The Decider Guy won't fire him ... The Crony General, himself, is blinded that he is a walking joke and won't resign ... And the Congress is equally blind, not willing to lay a hand on any of these monumental lawbreakers ...

The fact that Crony General Alberto Gonzales will wake up tomorrow, and still have his job should have the entire Department of Injustice (those that haven't taken the Omerta to the Bush Grindhouse), including the Federal Judiciary, pulling a "sick out" ... Aw hell, just go out on strike ...Refuse to work under this person ... Demand, by your job action, The Commander Guy throw his ass out of the building.

I only saw a brief bit of his testimony today, before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Then, later, various clips from various news programs.

It was jaw-dropping.

Gonzales was absolutely child-like, saying anything that popped into the thing resting on his shoulders, even the most bizarre and outlandish statements, almost as if his speech was subtitled, emblazoned with "lying" as he spoke, only digging himself deeper into the lies.

At times, it played out, with the same joie de vive as the infamous Monty Python "Argument" skit.

Of the multitude of postings filling up the web this evening, to give you a good sense of the absurdity the Crony General is, check out The Washington Post's Andrew Cohen's "Gonzo on the Hill: A Comedic Tragedy".

Digby is in sync with the opening of this post, as she ends her "Depends On What The Definition Of Program Is" with "This man is an insult to the constitution. Impeach him. Get him out of there. Whatever it takes."

More On The Crony General Gonzales Memo Widened Cheney's Office Access to DoJ Case Info - Gonzales: I Only Visited Ashcroft's Hospital Bed Because Congress Wanted It

The Raw Story: Senator stumps Gonzales over authority granted to Cheney to intervene in Justice probes

The Crony General ... On The Garlic

Alberto Gonzales Sings 'Justice For Sale'

Cold Body Assoc. Denounces Gonzales For Finger-Pointing, Break In Tradition; "Blaming McNulty At This Point In Time Is Scurrilous"; CBA Membership Upset, Fears Could Be "Open Season" On Scapegoats

Top Ten Cloves: How It Would Be Different If Alberto Gonzales Was The Head of March Madness

"I could be arguing in my spare time ..."

Top Ten Cloves: Ad Campaigns U.S. Can Use To Win Over Iraqi People

News Item: The Pentagon Gets a Lesson From Madison Avenue; U.S. Needs to Devise a Different 'Brand' to Win Over the Iraqi People, Study Advises

10. Humor: Montage of Dick Cheney speeches, talking about being liberators, insurgency in final throes, not part of Executive branch

9. Saturation Campaign: "U.S. Democracy ... A Little Dab'll Do Ya!

8. Tough Love: "A Democracy tastes good like an occupation should"

7. In a PSA effort to get Iraqi's to rally around a new Constitution, will have a little old lady look into camera and bark "Where's The Beef!"

6. Retro (Optimistic): You've got a lot to live ... And the U.S. has alot to give ...

5. Ambassador Ryan Crocker descending down into a moving, shiny convertible car, with voiceover "Let America Put You In The Driver's Seat"

4. Have Miller Lite produce campaign; Clerics, politicians and celebrities around a square table for "Imam Law"

3. Subtle: In variation of Volkswagen campaign, black screen with only "Good Citizens Wanted"

2. Retro (Tough): The U.S. Military ... Takes A Licking But Keeps On Ticking ...

1. A good jingle: "The U.S. Occupation is that heavenly democracy, heavenly democracy, heavenly democracy ... The U.S. Occupation is that heavenly democracy, Better democracy a millionaire's money can't buy

Bonus Link

Glenn Greenwald: Further politicization of the U.S. military's public statements

It Will Make A Nice, Keepsake, Photograph ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

In at least one way, our poll last week was too easy.

As our Garlic Poll Voters discerned, The Decider/The Commander/The Shakespeare Guy almost always (well, Donald Rumsfeld might still be sitting by the telephone) gives his biggest flunkies and fuck-ups the Presidential Medal of Freedom Award.

The way to succeed in the Bush Grindhouse is to fail. Fail miserably.

Perhaps Chertoff knew, in his gut, all along, that he wouldn't be fired, hence, allowing him to offer his "gut feelings" about the terror threat facing the country, not fully understanding the confusion he would cause by doing so.

After all, we have the Color-Coded Terror Alert Chart, with the occassionally-accompanying Duct Tape and Plastic warning added ... And now we have a "Who's On First" routine being played out by the Bush Grindhouse on just who Al Qaeda is and which Al Qaeda were fighting, based on the lasted NIE report released last week.

So, Michael Chertoff, "gut away" as you will, and know that at the end of the rainbow, a nice, shiney medal awaits your meritorious service.

When you get that medal hung around your neck, it will make for such a nice, keepsake, photograph, all those people down in New Orleans can hang on the wall of their toxic, FEMA-provided trailer.

(The Garlic wants to let the NBA, and investigating authorities, that referee Tim Donaghy has had no dealings or connections to the Garlic Weekly Poll and, to the best of your knowledge, has never gambled on the outcome of any of our polls).

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 15 - July 22, 2007

The reason President Bush didn't fire Michael Chertoff was ...

1. Already promised him he'll be getting a Presidential Medal of Freedom Award Tally 31%

2. Can't divulge reason, invoking Executive Privilege Tally 30%

3. Had his own gut feeling that Chertoff would follow him home Tally 24%

4. Still in the middle of Hurricane Season; Needs someone to blame in case U.S. hit big again Tally 14%

This week’s Poll - Where's Condi Rice? Is she ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Editor's Note: Sorry For The Delay In Posting

Good Afternoon Garlic Fans

Just a note to apologize for the lack-of-posting yesterday (Monday).

We got bogged down in technical difficulties, in installing - and getting it, and everything else - the new SnapShots feature (just run your cursor over any highlighted link) to all work properly.

Along with numerous interruptions, the installation of SnapShots became a tiresome chore, of going back-and-forth with code. As one feature would work, a different problem arose (one of which was the incomplete loading of The Garlic; Tip-of-the-Cap to those friends and families badgered, to go out to The Garlic and test things out).

Once everything was installed, code-corrected and working as it should, it was late evening and too tired to shift into creative mode.

So, dark for one day, but were back hittin' it today

Once again, Many and Mucho Thanks for visiting and reading The Garlic.


Sunday, July 22, 2007

Taking Down The Duct Tape and Plastic ... It's Sunday, Post-Pottermania ... And Post President Cheney

Nice, lazy afternoon here... Not too hot, not too cool ...

Still attempting to calm the nerves, some 24-Hours+ removed from the, albeit, brief Cheney presidency... Spent the better half of the morning removing the duct tape and plastic that was installed, just in case ...

Speaking of Bush and Cheney, legendary columnist Jimmy Breslin adds his voice calling for Impeachment ...

But is the Bush Grindhouse preparing for the battle, declaring the Congress and the Courts null and void, drafting a coup-drenched, bullet-proof Executive Order?

Pottermania Was Here!

Without having anything invested - pro-or-con - over Harry Potter, it was rather refreshing to see the Pottermania that ran triumphantly Friday evening ... A major event, happening in cities all over the country, and sans being laden with ominous government warnings of terrorism ... People could gather in large groups and not have to take off their shoes, or give up their hair gel ... By the news accounts I saw, it all looked to be good, ole, plain fun ...

A watershed moment in this post 9-11 world, or just a freak, isolated happening?

But there was, at least, one person not so impressed with Harry Potter.

Megan McArdle, writes and blogs about economics for The Economist, appearing in the Guardian Unlimited, bashes author J. K. Rowling, both humorously, but heavily, in her post "Harry Potter: the economics" ...

Happy Belated Birthday Hunter S. Thompson!

This week past would have been the 70th birthday of the beyond-legandary writer (and hero) Hunter S. Thompson.

Jerilyn Merrit, over on TalkLeft has a good post...

And Editor & Publisher offers how the hometown paper saluted the creator of Gonzo Journalism.

'Round The World

The Reaction has a few good posts on news, about us, from around the world

There's Carol Gee's post of "How others see us" and Michael Stickings' "Around the world: France, Spain, Pakistan, and the Ivory Coast" ...

Son of Macaca on the Horizon?

Interesting piece in the Washington Post today on the rise of an anti-Illegal Alien movement in the great commonwealth of Virginia today - Muscling a Web Site Into a Social Movement; Va. Blogger Taps Into Illegal-Immigration Ire

George Allen has some time of his hand these days, maybe he can lend his oratory skills to it ...

For the lastest and/or good information on the Immigration front, take a spin over to Immigration Orange ...

Attorney Firings? ... Have We Seen This Before?

Tip-of-the-cap to Larisa Alexandrovna, over on her At-Largly... Seems the phrase "attorney firings" and "Karl Rove" are very familiar with each other ... Check out "Amazing Harper's piece on Rove" ...

Flaming hoops and missed mattresses

I don't think U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker will be bucking for a job with the Iraq Council of Tourism, following his comments last week ... And the heavy-handed spin coming out of the Bush Grindhouse as well, over the lastest NIE report and the "Al Qaeda is Everywhere" shout-outs won't help him either ...

Both are fodder for the great satirist, Barry Crimmins, in his post "Flaming hoops and missed mattresses" (and look for the special guest appearance of the Karate Kid) ...

And, lastly, it appears that, despite the warnings from his boss, Ambassador Crocker wants them to follow us home ...

Send large tables to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid