Friday, June 02, 2006

Breaking News! New Government-wide Training Program on Monuments and National Icons.

White House Orders Monument-Icon Training Throughout Government

Looking To Head Off Controversy of DHS Terrorism Cuts; “We don’t want to tip off Al-Qaeda on some statute in Iowa

The Bush Administration has gotten themselves into another imbroglio, and has forced the White House to backtrack, with President Bush announcing this afternoon a new, government-wide training program on Monuments and National Icons.

This comes on the heels of outrage, after the Department of Homeland Security announced on Wednesday that it had placed Washington, D.C. and New York City in the bottom 25%, low risk category of a terrorist attack, and cutting their anti-terrorism funding by as much as 40%.

In the case of New York City, the DHS risk assessment, and justification for the 40% cut back in funds, was that the city had “no national monuments or icons”. New York City is home to the Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, Empire State Building, as well as internationally-noted museums and libraries.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, according to the New York Times said that "When you stop a terrorist, they have a map of New York City in their pocket. They don't have a map of any of the other 46 or 45 places."

Congressman Peter King (R-NY), and chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee said of the cuts that "It's a knife in the back to New York and I'm going to do everything I can to make them very sorry they made this decision."

King promised to call hearings into the matter, and hold the Department of Homeland Security accountable, demanding they justify their actions.

Chertoff: Washington and New York “Got A Fair Shake”

President Bush, already reeling from the investigation into the alleged massacre in Haditha, Iraq, approved the U.S. Military commanders ordering “refresher” training for the combat troops, that was described as focusing on "importance of adhering to legal, moral and ethical standards on the battlefield."

After the firestorm of criticism on the anti-terrorism cuts continued yesterday and into this morning, the President summoned Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, who justified the cuts, saying, on PBS's "The News Hour With Jim Lehrer," he believed that New York and Washington got "a fair shake."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said the meeting between the two was “tough” and “with a lot of frank talk”. Snow would neither confirm nor deny that the President wore his flight suit for the meeting with Chertoff.

Snow: “We don’t want to tip off Al-Qaeda on some statute in Iowa ...”

According to Snow, the Monument and Icon Training will begin “within the next few days” and consist of a “day-long session, for every government department and office.” The training will use books, photos, and with a nod to the request of Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), videotape of the nation’s monuments and iconic buildings, parks and territories.

Snow said that the Monument and Icon Training will be “mandatory” for all government employees.

“Sure, we know a lot of these things already,” concede Snow, “But it doesn’t hurt to be reminded, refreshed, that Lombard Street is in San Francisco and Boston has Paul Revere’s house.”

Snow said that the White House hasn’t decided as of yet, if the President will go on national television, to address the Monument and Icon Training Program. Snow indicated that there is concern, expressed by the intelligence agencies and the military, that if the President used images during his address, that he “may be giving aid to our enemies.”

President Bush is said to be in favor of using photos in a national address, as sources close to the White House say the he was “inspired” after watching the National Spelling Bee on television last evening.

“It’s still being discussed,” admitted Snow. “We don’t want to tip off Al-Qaeda on some statute in Iowa that they may not know about already.”

White House Council Harriet Meirs, who last fall, conducted the special special Ethics Classes , for the Bush Administration, refresh them about the leaking of classified material, will be part of the team that runs the Monument and Icon Training.

“As far as I know, the country’s monuments and icons aren’t classified,” said Snow, “So I don’t think we have to worry about anyone leaking the content of the training program.”

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff believes, in respect to the cuts in anti-terrorism funds, that "Washington and New York got a fair shake"

Top Ten Cloves: Some Of The Rewards The Six Powers Are Offering Iran To Halt Nuclear Program

News Item: Six Powers Reach Accord On Iran Plan

10. The Enhanced version of the new Paris Hilton CD

9. Reluctantly, France will begin importing Iranian Champagne

8. Will get each countries legacy carriers to extend their Frequent Flyer Mileage

7. For every 10 nuclear plants they close, they get one free

6. All “E Ticket” access pass at EuroDisney, good for one-year

5. If they come to Washington, will get them into the Poker Parties at the Watergate

4. Cases and cases of premium Russian Vodka

3. For President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a secret bunker just like Vice President Dick Cheney’s

2. Will control the looting, and absolutely no massacres, once they invade the country

1. To assure current government stays in power, Bush will send team from RNC to show them how to rig elections

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At CIA During Michael Hayden’s Swearing In Ceremony

News Item: Bush Hails Role of C.I.A. as New Chief Takes Oath

10. You joining the office pool on Hayden? I got that he last’s only a year ...

9. Is this a real news crew here or are the filming it for the fake news releases?

8. Did you see Hayden’s memo? Anyone that uses the words “Slam Dunk” gets fired immediately

7. Newspapers are saying there was $90,000 in Jefferson’s freezer... Rumor going around it was more like $190,000

6. Is Cheney here? I’m trying to duck him ... He’s been hounding me all week, about the Iranian intelligence and their WMD’s

5. This sucks ... We’re missing Katie Couric’s last show

4. I heard that Addington combed over the swearing-in oath to check for anything that goes against the White House

3. There’s Jonesy over there ... Poor bastard ... For voting for Kerry in 2004, he has to log-in and process all those bricks people are mailing Congress

2. Hey, after this, want to call in to the FBI again and give them another hot tip on where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

1. I hope this doesn’t take too long ... We have to get back to the office and finish cranking out those fake Iran letters

Vice President Dick Cheney is said to be up to his old tricks, now hounding the CIA for Iranian intelligence and WMD's

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Breaking News - “Tancredo and Sensenbrenner will have a field day”

Iran Shoots Back At Rice, Bush For Talk Policy: Nuke Program For Gay Marriage

Ahmadinejad Slams Pair; Seeks Other Demands, Retraction For LaRouche Comparison

Within hours of her remarks, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad bristled at what he labeled “a feminine lecture”, rejecting Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and lobbed back at President Bush his own conditions for talks between the Iran and the United States.

Ahmadinejad offered to open up to “outside inspection” Iran’s Nuclear Program, in exchange for President Bush endorsing Gay Marriage.

“If Satan opens up his great democracy to all his citizens, then Iran will open the doors to our nuclear development plans,” said the Iranian President.

Iranian President Wants Apology, and Katie Couric Autograph

In a speech before hundreds-of-thousands of Iranians, Ahmadinejad gave no indication that he would bow to U.S. demands that he suspend his nuclear program. He, in fact, later added additionally demands from the United States to sit down and talk, above Gay Marriage.

In a letter delivered by a Swiss envoy, Ahmadinejad indicated he wants the Bush Administration to endorse and ratify the Kyoto Protocol, invest more in cracking down on Internet Pornography, and an autographed picture of now former “Today Show” co-host, Katie Couric.

Ahmadinejad also demanded, above all, for President Bush to “publicly apologize” for the characterization last week that the Iranian President was an “Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”.

Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em', quoted “sources in the field” with the unflattering depiction of Ahmadinejad, adding that the Iranians typically ignore Ahmadinejad, and turn to the Ayatollahs, to see what they should do.

Rice Threatens Sanctions; Prefers that President Bush doesn’t get involved negotiations

The hardball demands and rhetoric from Ahmadinejad followed remarks from Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, where she set conditions that Iran would have to adhere to in order for the two countries to sit down and talk, something that hasn’t occurred since 1979.

According to the Washington Post, after Rice demanded that Iran suspend its programs to enrich uranium and reprocess spent nuclear fuel as a condition for the talks, she added;

"We urge Iran to make this choice for peace, to abandon its ambition for nuclear weapons. Refusal to do so, she said, "will lead to international isolation and progressively stronger political and economic sanctions."

Rice ignored Ahmadinejad’s jab, when asked by reporters for a comment.

The Secretary also indicted that she would “prefer that President Bush doesn’t get involved in these negotiations.”

“We’ve got a relatively clean slate with Iran,” said Rice. After the thousands of tactical errors in Iraq, I would much rather handle things myself, and not to get caught up in that baggage.”

“This is going to be a good one to watch”

Ahmadinejad’s quick response puts President Bush in an awkward position, of yet another hot, dividing issue.

Going back to the 2004 Presidential Campaign, Bush called for an amendment banning same-sex marriages and, reportedly, is scheduling a June 5th Press Conference to announce he wants Congress to Federal Marriage Amendment.

And earlier this year, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) promised an a June vote on the amendment, citing the busy Senate calendar and it being an election year.

“I’ve watched the videotape on these gay marriages,” said Frist, “and it is my opinion that we have to stop them.”

“Oh boy,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “This is going to be a good one to watch.”

Aaronson said that this all but amounts to a “no-win” situation for the President, and likely, “he’ll see his number plummet even further downward.”

“The Neocon hawks want to see him invade Iran, and anything short of that is a failure,” added Aaronson. “And his Republican Congress, and his base, wants to see the Gay Marriage thing shot down and anything less then that is failure.”

“Tancredo and Sensenbrenner will have a field day. They’ll be putting up billboards saying that the President wants to see undocumented, illegal gay workers get married, and get amnesty to boot.”

President Bush is going to have to pull an even larger rabbit out of his hat, as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has set as a condition to talk that Bush endorse Gay Marriage, in exchange for the Iranians opening up their Nuclear Program for inspection

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Could Go Wrong For Katie Couric On Her Last Today Show

News Item: Katie Couric, Thinking About Tomorrow

10. Discovers that Cheney Aide David Addington screens all the CBS Evening News stories

9. The women from “The View” are waiting backstage to kick the snot out of her

8. Not wanting to see her go, Matt Laurer turns show into a live, on-air Intervention

7. 60-Minutes staff tells her the only contribution she’ll be making to program is starting the stop watch

6. Finds out most of what she’ll be doing at CBS Evening News is reading fake Bush Administration news reports

5. Ex-American Idol contestant Corey Clark opens MySpace.Com account and claims he’s having an affair with her

4. Charlie Gibson changes his mind and now wants CBS anchor job

3. Gets word CBS is changing her job – She’s now the Chief Baghdad Correspondent

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt whispers to her during commercial break that there are dead people on the CBS news set

1. Too Late! Learns whole deal on her moving over to CBS was a ruse perpetrated by The Yes Men

60-Minutes staff has told Katie Couric that the only contribution she’ll be making to program is starting the stop watch

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Breaking News! Cheney’s “Cheney” Driving Force Behind Signing Statements

Bush Considering Adding Signing Statement To Enron Verdict

Addington Sees Court Muting President’s Powers; “It’s What Campaign Contributions Are All About,” Says Convicted Enron Chief

President Bush, according to sources, is expected today to add a Signing Statement to the court verdict of last Thursday, convicting Enron Chairman Ken Lay and CEO Jeff Skilling of massive fraud, allowing the two Enron executives to “ignore the findings”, citing the reason of “national security”.

This fuels the speculation that provisions were made in the Secret Energy meetings, conducted by Vice President Dick Cheney, that would absolve Enron executives, as well as others in attendance, should they be convicted on any white collar crimes.

“It’s interesting,” says Dix Whitcomb, editor of the newsletter "Our Laws Are Different", “that the President is using a Signing Statement, versus a Presidential Pardon. The White House is clearly marking out turf, extending its territory.”

Cheney’s “Cheney” Driving Force

The prime advocate of this move is David Addington, Vice President Cheney’s Chief of Staff. Addington has been the leading figure in the Bush Administration, pushing the use of Signing Statements.

Addington, first as legal council to the Vice President, and then being bumped up to his current position after the indictment of former Cheney Staff Chief I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, is said to have been immersed in scanning laws and legislation, flagging them for action by the Cheney, that would interfere or limit presidential powers.

Both Addington and the Vice President’s office refused comment.

Afraid Blair Would Apologize

According to Whitcomb, and other sources on Capitol Hill, Addington had the paperwork prepared last Friday, for the President to add his Signing Statement to the verdict. With British Prime Minister Tony Blair in Washington for meetings, the President declared he was deciding to hold off on the action until after the visit and the Memorial Day Holiday.

“That probably had more to do with Blair,” offered Whitcomb. “A lot of people in the White House were nervous, had the President done the Signing Statement on Friday, Blair would babble some kind of apology for it.”

Just the day before, Blair, and President Bush – for the first time – admitted mistakes made in the invasion of Iraq and the War on Terror. The remarks upset staffers in the White House, as well as neoconservatives.

For that it was extemporaneous comments, and not legal precedent, Addington was stymied in issuing a Signing Statement for the President’s apologies.

Pressure From Cheney, NeoCons

It is being reported that, right after the apology comments on Thursday, the Vice President’s office put pressure on Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield to pull the Lincoln Group off all other projects, to have them prepare rebuttal stories, softening the President’s comments, and pumping up the success of efforts in Iraq.

Pressure, supposedly from Vice President Cheney himself, was said to be applied to the British as well, to have Blair’s comments put into “proper context”.

“This was a real slap in the face,” said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century (PNAC). “If the President is retreating on us, going soft ... Well, there’ll be hell to pay, I can tell you that.”

Martin intimated that an invasion of Iran could build a bridge between the President and the neoconservatives that would “get us all back in the same room”.

“It’s all about making the proper investment”

The Department of Justice is said to be “steamed” that the President may issue a Signing Statement on the Enron verdict.

“They need to get their signals straight,” offered on DOJ attorney who was on the Enron team but spoke with The Garlic on the condition their identity would not be revealed. “We could have done a lot of things different ... Not been aggressive ... Lose evidence ...Only pursue some puff charges ... To go through what we did, only to have the President sign it away, that’s disappointing.”

Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black') says the Signing Statement would “throw a big money wrench” in the Appeals process.

It depends on what Lay and Skilling do,” added Earl. “With the Signing Statement, they can just walk away from this ... They don’t, necessarily, have to appeal this thing now – unless the DOJ challenges it – and don’t place any bets that Attorney General Gonzales is going to go down that road.”

When reached for comment, Skilling referred reporters to his lawyers.

After beginning to say “no comment, former Enron Chief Lay just smiled and said “That’s what campaign contributions are all about ... It’s all about making the proper investment.”

The Bush team held off on the Enron Verdict Signing Statement because they were afraid that "Blair would babble some apology for it"

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons President Bush Sealed Jefferson Records For 45-Days

News Item: Bush Seals Files Seized In FBI Probe Of Jefferson

10. Just discovered that he could order records be sealed and wanted to try it on

9. Wanted time to double check Claude Allen’s freezer and make sure there isn’t $90,000 stuffed inside it

8. Figures 45-Days is enough time to manufacture evidence against other Democrats, so they can derail Mid-Term Election gains

7. Needed some time to slap Bill Frist around, to come out and defend raid of Congressman’s office

6. Gets another shot at tackling First Lady’s To-Do List

5. By about Day 40, we should be invading Iran, so this story gets buried

4. It will take, at least, the 45-days to review the National Security Agency Domestic Surveillance Program’s tapes on the House Republicans, to make sure none of them were involved

3. Needs time to slap House Speaker Dennis Hastert around around, for joining in with Nancy Pelosi on denouncing the raid

2. Gives David Addington time to find that raid encroaches on Presidential Powers

1. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales needs the time to write some legal papers that it will be okay to torture Jefferson

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 28 May 2006

In Japan, word leaked out this week, that following the lead of the newly announced BabyFirstTV, a new 24/7 channel will be launched - "Baby Sumo TV".

The new reality show will test the giant wrestlers caring skills, in feeding, changing diapers and singing lullabyes

Sources inside the Bush Administration are saying that in the weeks leading up to his announced resignation, Treasury Secretary John Snow grew increasingly irrational and paranoid, often pretending to read reports while spying on his staff

The Fraternal Order of Beefeater Guards, seen here packing for the trip to Arizona, have signed on for Border Patrol duty

Insiders say the ABC newsroom is abuzz since it was announced that Charlie Gibson will take over as anchor of the ABC World News Tonight. Sources tell The Garlic that "Gibson has been losing it" and often "mistakes his microphone for his cell phone"

Since the news hit that Congressmen William Jefferson hid $90,000 in his freezer, production has been ramped up to produce larger freezers capable of holding up to $1-Million

Al Gore declaratively put to rest rumors that he is gearing up for a 2008 Presidential run. Gore, shown here practicing, stated firmly that his major goal is replace Willard Scott as the weatherman on NBC's "Today" program

Results for The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 21 - May 27 2006

Well, another week and the most heated voting we’ve had so far ... The results for The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 21 - May 27 2006, asking President Bush’s Numbers Are So Low That ...

1. The NSA will start hacking Gallup, and the others, and manipulate the numbers higher 30%

2. The FBI will likely find Jimmy Hoffa before they get over 35% again 29%

3. Vice President Dick Cheney will go out and shoot another friend in the face, just to get the President’s low numbers off the front page 28%

4. Republican Congressman will start bribing lobbyists, to help them pass the President’s legislation 13%

This week’s Poll - The Attorney General and FBI Director also considered, after quitting, to ...

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