Friday, May 05, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Cinco de Mayo At The White House!

News Item: Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

10. For the heck of it, President has Joint Chiefs of Staff draw up plans to invade Mexico

9. President lets Look-Alike Steve Bridges issue a few Signing Statements, making every day “Cinco de Mayo Day”

8. Karl Rove does all of his smearing today in Spanish only

7. Distance the President from Congressman Tancredo’s bill, to ban May 5th and make it a felony to have on any calendars

6. Screw with the pensions of five retired generals who have criticized the President and Secretary Rumsfeld

5. Vamos Conseguir Loco! - Sabado Gigante Host Don Francisco gets to run White House Briefing Room for the day

4. Harriet Meirs has to bail out two White House interns, after they got caught cashing in some of Bill Frist’s $100 Rebate Checks to buy more beer

3. To make a point, President Bush, with the Capital Steps, will sing Mexico’s National Anthem in English

2. After one beer, Vice President Cheney dons his chemical-biological suit, roams the White House, scaring the bejeezes out of tourists

1. Afternoon cocktails and a Steven Colbert piñata

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Problems That May Crop Up With Post Office Issuing A “Forever Stamp”

News Item: Post Office Hopes Idea Of 'Forever Stamp' Sticks

10. Too late for Dan Rostenkowski - If they issued this Forever Stamp 10-years ago, he might still be in office

9. Budding disgruntled postal workers have new reason to go crazy

8. Yeah, but they’ll take forever to deliver it (Actually, no different now, using regular stamps)

7. Global Warming may wipe us out, but Forever Stamps will survive

6. So popular, you’ll wait in line forever to purchase them (Actually, no different than buying regular stamps now)

5. Post Office needs to wait until “Forever Glue” is invented before they can issue stamp

4. At next rate increase, you’ll be looking forever where you stashed them

3. Six retired Postmaster Generals have come out against the idea

2. May have problem with President Bush, who issues Signing Statement that he doesn’t have to use stamps

1. Potential disaster to the Time-Space Continuum – Using the Forever Stamp to mail a package of Twinkies

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Other Unannounced Measures White House Has For Pandemic Flu Draft Response Plan

News Item: Draft Report Outlines Plans for Pandemic

10. Since it worked in Iraq, after getting vaccinated, people will have to dip finger in purple ink

9. Just so media knows in advance, all exclusive scoops about pandemic flu go to Fox News first

8. So Sean Hannity doesn’t get riled up, all school buses will be used in case evacuations are necessary

7. Vice President Dick Cheney does have a chemical-biological suit, but he has no plans to share it with anyone

6. Anyone that gets the pandemic flu will receive $100 Rebate from U.S. Government

5. After Illegal Immigration and Border Security solved, will build special “Pandemic Flu Wall” around country

4. White House incorporating into plan Tom Cruise’s suggestion for silent Pandemic Flu Treatment

3. President Bush strongly believes that Iran is involved in Pandemic Flu, so he may have to make a preemptive strike on them

2. Coincidently, CIA has intelligence Iran has aluminum tubes that are used for creating Pandemic Flu

1. Right after Pandemic Flu Draft Response Plan released, President Bush issuing Signing Statement, exempting him from following it

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Problems The Illegal Immigrant Boycott Caused The White House Yesterday

News Item: Boycott Gives Voice To Illegal Workers

10. White House Tours cancelled – No one to set up the velvet ropes

9. Homeland Security jammed up, investigating hundred’s of “brown paper bags” that turned out to be lunches brought from home

8. Presidential Look-Alike Steve Bridges couldn’t get cab, so he worked the Oval Office with President Bush

7. Field Generals in Iraq badgered White House all day – Since they’re in country illegally, should they boycott and protest as well?

6. Congressman Tom Tancredo picketed the White House, with sign that read “See, I Told You”

5. Press Secretary Scott McClellan had to change his line to “Can’t comment on an ongoing boycott”

4. Six retired illegal immigrants called for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeldto resign

3. Bolten’s shake-up plans delayed – Can’t fire Treasury Secretary Snow until he finishes crunching numbers from boycott

2. Before morning briefing, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales pissed off the President by quietly singing National Anthem in Spanish

1. Had to cancel Mission Accomplished Anniversary plans – No one to hang the banner

Monday, May 01, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: How Josh Bolten Plans On Getting White House’s MoJo Back

News Item: Bolten: White House Must Regain Its 'Mojo'

10. Send Vice President Dick Cheney out hunting again, this time, for some rabbits’ feet

9. Get friend Bo Derek to hang around the White House

8. Like hockey players and their goalie, have staff tap their briefcases against President’s Desk in Oval Office to start each day

7. Have Secret Service change handle for President Bush to "Mr. Mojo Risin"

6. White House has been ‘White” far too long ... Paint it “Neutral Gray”, it’s the “new black”

5. Start posting White House Press Conferences on YouTube

4. President should wear his flight suit to work more often

3. Rally Ties – Mandate all staff to wear their ties backwards until something good happens

2. New Bills by the President will be delivered to Congress via a New Orleans-style Second Line Parade

1. Start spinning that indictments are a good thing and you’re gearing up to go for beating the Nixon Administration’s record

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 30 April 2006

Angelina Jolie, and husband Brad Pitt criticized fellow actor George Clooney, saying in an interview, "we came to Africa first and now he's trying to steal our thunder ... There's six other continents, he should go to one of them ..."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld quietly changed military rules this week, mandating that any officer who wishes to criticize the Secretary, and/or call for his firing or resignation, must wear face paint. Said Rumsfeld "When I'm waking around the halls of the Pentagon, I don't want to be guessing who's for me or who's against me"

President Bush had to play referee this past week, keeping Senators Frist and Reed from going at each other during a meeting in the White House.

Reed later apologized to the President, and Frist, after learning it was Karl Rove, sitting behind him, that whispered "you're nothing but a little Nevada pimp"

Iran released their first promotional poster for their new Nuclear Development Program. Journalists who have seen the campaign say it borrows heavily from "Our Friend, The Atom " promoted by Walt Disney back in the 1950's

Fox News Network Host Sean Hannity indicated that the White House first approached him about filling the Press Secretary position, taken by colleague Tony Snow, but Hannity declined the offer so he could continue working on "important issues, like finding out why Mayor Nagin never used the buses during the hurricane

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) denied he was getting into his large SUV, after a press conference promoting alternative energy and Hybrid cars, saying he was going to spray paint the vehicle with "gas-guzzler" until he noticed the press following him.

Hastert added that he got in to the SUV and drove to an undisclosed location, where he could commit the vandalism in private

Last Weeks Garlic Poll Results

Well, we had another week of spirited voting, for the Garlic Poll ...

For last week’s question, Before Scott McClellan Leaves His Job As Press Secretary, He Should ... the results

1. Announce that he wants to continue lying, so he’s joining Fox News 37%

2. Tell the media if Karl Rove lied to him about the Valerie Plame Leak 27%

3. Do his devastating impersonation of President Bush, reading My Pet Goat – Phonetically 20%

4. Have a Texas Steel Cage Death Match with David Gregory of NBC 17%

This week’s Poll - The Real Reason President Bush Wants National Anthem Sung In English Is ....

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote