Saturday, December 31, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 31 December 2005

New evidence surfaced this week, of racial prejudice during the relief effort in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina. An internal video conference shows Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff using the "White Power" salute when issuing orders to FEMA personnel

Citing the recent revelations that President Bush ordered wiretapping and eavesdropping of American citizens, God announced that Hell has frozen over.

In a related matter, the White House admitted today, due to information gathered on NSA wiretaps, they broke up an "internation plot" when they siezed a Mr. Santa Claus entering the country illegally on December 24 or 25th and are holding the North Pole resident as an Enemy Combatant

To help pay, for what legal experts says will be a staggering amount, in the millions, for their defense, former Enron executives are issuing a series of trading cards, that will list the charges and sentence on the back, of all the former Enron employees responsible for the company's failure.

Unlike other trading cards, the Enron series will lose all value within a matter of weeks after purchase.

Nearly three-years after the start of the Iraq War, the Defense Department is finally issuing the new "Smart Turban" helmets for all troops deployed in the region. The features of the "Smart Turban" are classified, however Pentagon officials say they are "very comfortable" and that the troops "love'em".

The International Cricket Association announced this week that, like many other professional sports, their game has also become prisoner to remarkable feats and shattered records due to steroids

Major League Baseball said this week that they are adding another penalty to their recently-announced Steroid Abuse Policy. First-time users, in addition to being suspended and fined, will also get "a good backhand" from Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Wednesday 28 December 2005

Bush, White House Aiding Chalabi; Will Appeal Election Results To Supreme Court

Iraqi Exile Leader To Provide Bush Team With New Misleading Intelligence; President "Wants WMD's This Time"

Already raising legal eyebrows, for having the U.S. Justice Department join in the pending Anna Nicole Smith case coming before the high court in February 2006, The Garlic has learned today that a team of White House and Justice Dept. lawyers are in Iraqi, preparing papers and briefs for longtime exile leader Ahmed Chalabi to appeal his apparent loss in the Iraqi elections to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Sources tell The Garlic that Chief Justice John Roberts has already been notified that an appeal will be filed, possibly within days.

'They're pretty confident," said one senior official, who in not authorized to speak on-the-record, "that the court will put Chalabi in the government. It's being done with a nod-and-a-wink to Roberts, to use the Bush v. Gore precedent."

Back in December of 2000, the Supreme Court, under the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist, ruled that George Bush won the deeply contested Presidential election, despite, allegedly, not having the most votes.

"Miers, and a whole team from Justice are pouring over the Iraqi results, looking for, and in some cases, really stretching, to find similarities there, with the Florida vote and count of 2000."

With over 95% of the December 15th voting ballots counted, surprising and unexpectedly low support from overseas voters has Chalabi facing being left without a seat in the first full-term of the new Iraq Parliament.

In return for the support, Chalabi is said to be working on creating a new batch of misleading intelligence, including new information and freshly drawn maps, of where Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi dictator, hid his Weapons of Mass Destruction.

"The White House has made it very clear," said the official, "that they want the WMD's this time."

The news of the United States actively pushing Chalabi into a role with the new Iraqi government is adding to the growing tensions over the election results.

With the United Iraqi Alliance, the Shiite-led coalition, soaring ahead with a commanding lead in the voting, protesters, primarily Sunni Arabs, are charging fraud, and calling for new elections.

The Independent Electoral Commission of Iraq, as well as a team from the United Nations, who has been assisting in the election, have stated that it was a "transparent, credible and good elections."

There are also signs that the President is taking other actions to assure Chalabi a seat.

Rumors have been circulating on Capital Hill that the President's agreement to extend the passage of the Patriot Act as a "quid pro quo" on inserting new language, specifically naming Chalabi and guaranteeing him a position of leadership in the Iraqi Assembly.

"Just like they did with the UN vote, wiretapping and eavesdropping Security Council members to gain knowledge on how they would vote." said one Senate aid, "the White House has been monitoring the Congress."

The President, it is said, also has legal briefs and papers, from White House council, as well as Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, that he can name Chalabi to the Iraqi Government under Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, as well as his authority via executive powers and by the vote of Congress on going to war in Iraq.

Gonzales said that the President was on "firm legal ground" to reach out to the Supreme Court, if necessary, and via "the Patriot Act, the war powers granted him by Congress."

''It would be legal for the President to take this action, as he has swore to uphold the laws. Legal authority is derived from the Constitution,'' he added

"He's going to milk these things," offered Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black').

"He'll wrap Chalabi up into National Security, using the same argument to justify his eavesdropping on American phone calls. I suspect the White House, if more trouble and indictments come down the line, will simply point to the Constitution, the Congress, the Patriot Act, as an excuse for their behaviors and then let it all get tied up in the courts for years to come."

Vice President Dick Cheney, and his staff, are said to be standing ready, to smear and defame anyone that challenges placing Chalabi into the Iraqi Government.

In a statement released by the Vice President's office, Cheney said that "Ahmed Chalabi is a valuable and trusted ally to the United States in our war against terrorism. He has provided key information that has allowed us to disrupt terrorist acts and we look forward to working with him in the future, to help keep the people of America, as well as around the world, safe."

"He's been instrumental," Cheney added, "in keeping them over there, and not here. In case anyone noticed, you haven't seen any mushroom clouds here in the past four years, have you?"

In his Christmas visit to Iraq, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld pulled a surprise "kitchen inspection" and chastised the staff, manning the food lines himself to demonstrate the proper amount of food to dispense.

Top Ten Cloves: Complaints Heard Most By Returns Departments This Christmas Season

10. The person that gave this to me said it was a "holiday" gift and not a "Christmas" gift

9. I live in New Orleans and I don't have a house to put it in

8. The candelabra isn't like the one Randy Cunningham has

7. Since I was outted as a covert CIA Agent, I don't need another trench coat

6. If I keep this gift, I might be subpoenaed by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald

5. Donald Rumsfeld thinks I have too many gifts

4. I can't tell you the reason, it's classified as part of Vice President Dick Cheney's Secret Energy Meeting

3. Believe, because of gift, President Bush is eavesdropping on my telephone calls

2. I would have come during my lunch break but I work for Wal-Mart

1. The gift is sending me secret signals from David Letterman

Monday, December 26, 2005

Special Announcement - Barry Crimmins 2005 Year-In-Review

It's that time of year again and, arguably, America's best political satirist, Barry Crimmins, has his annual Year-In-Review, published by The Boston Phoenix;

"The Bonfire of the Inanities; Seriously, could it get any worse"

Barry Crimmins, was the founder of The Ding Ho, the legendary comedy club in Inman Square, Cambridge, MA, which launched Barry nationally, along with Steven Wright, Paula Poundstone, Bobcat Goldthwait, Kevin Meaney, Jimmy Tingle and many, many others. Barry also launched Boston's other fabled comedy club, Stitches, across the Charles River near Boston University.

Among his projects, Crimmins is a writer and commentator for Air America Radio's Randi Rhodes Show . In 2004, Seven Stores Press published Barry's first book, "Never Shake Hands with a War Criminal" and Barry's writing appears frequently in 'The Boston Phoenix' and the 'Cleveland Plain-Dealer'

Barry also has been a featured commentator on CNN, CSPAN, NBC, MSNBC and The Phil Donohue Show and also appeared in Fran Solimita's 'When Stand Up Stood Out', the critically acclaimed documentary about the Boston Comedy scene.

Barry received the Peace Leadership Award from Boston Mobilization for Survival. He has also been honored, along with Ms. Maya Angelou, with The Courage of Conscience Award from Wellesly College and The Life Experience School at The Peace Abbey in Sherborn, Massachusetts.

Community Works gave the Artist for Social Change Award to Barry for his years of activism.

Visit Barry Crimmins Website

Purchase "Never Shake Hands With A War Criminal"

Visit Seven Stories Press

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 26 December 2005

New York State Election Commissioners are waiting for Jeanine Piro to officially bow out of the U.S. Senate race against incumbent Hillary Clinton. A spokesperson for Piro indicated that the campaign staff was "still looking to find her withdrawal speech"

"Listen you eavesdropping-intelligence-twisting-Texas-turd-excuse of a President, you put up any walls along our border, and I wlll personally be the first one to scale it and enter the United States illegally!"

As part of his new, $52-Million contract with the New York Yankees, former Red Sox Johnny Damon, a bonus for cutting his hair and shaving his beard, Damon will get to use the barber chair in the vast centerfield of Yankee Stadium to sit in between pitches

Citing his "War Against Christmas" a success, Fox News Host Bill O'Reilly is mobilizing all the Santas' for a new campaign ...

O'Reilly, along with CNN's Lou Dobbs, is paying of the membership fees in the Minuteman Project that will allow the Santas' to join the vigilante group and patrol the U.S. Borders with Mexico

After his Christmas breakfast and opening gifts with his family, President Bush relaxed at Camp David by listening in on some live, holiday wiretaps

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Editor's Note: Merry Christmas Wednesday 21 December 2005

Editor's Note

With today's posting, The Garlic is taking a few days off to get into the holiday spirit. We'll be back, peeling the cloves again, on Monday, December 26th

We want to wish all our readers and fans a very warm, happy and safe Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

And, a very "Happy Holiday" this "Winter Season" to you, Mr. O'Reilly)

Top Ten Cloves: Signs That It Is Christmas At The White House

10. Giant fruit baskets, decorated with holly and bows, have arrived, from the participants of Dick Cheney's secret energy meetings

9. Sending aides out to buy eggnog, because still waiting for FEMA to deliver it

8. White House council doubts President can keep gift of silver candelabra from former Rep. Duke Cunningham

7. A panicked Scott McClellan, verifying with everyone, he can that it's okay to go to Press Room and announce it's Christmas

6. Bob Novak is calling every hour, to see if they want to out any more covert CIA agents before Christmas

5. Donald Rumsfeld is arguing that there are too many decorations on the tree

4. Chorus of Gitmo prisoners are practicing their caroling in the East Room

3. Cards, with personal notes, to put on the gifts have arrived from the Lincoln Group

2. Karl Rove has been putting together his string of cranberries and smears to hang on the tree

1. President Bush is busy, wiretapping First Lady, and his daughters, seeing if he can get information on what his gifts will be

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Tuesday 20 December 2005

Breaking News!
Woodward Said To Be Jumping To The New York Times

Post Won't Match Freedom To Sit On Stories; Keller Says Watergate Ace "Under No Pressure" To Break News

The Garlic has learned that The New York Times is close to wooing away from The Washington Post, star reporter and author, Bob Woodward, secretly courting him after the disclosure he sat on information of receiving Valerie Plame's name over two-years ago.

"It's rare when you can find," says Bill Keller, 'Times' Executive Editor, "that big of a reporter who has such a nose for when to bury a story, how to hold back blockbusting news. We're very lucky we can welcome him to the paper."

Keller went on to say that Woodward would be "under no pressure" to break any major stories.

"He can take his time. We don't want him to push the buttons too early."

Keller added that "with Judy {Miller} gone, we need another White House lackey, we've gone too long without one."

Last month Woodward had come under heavy criticism, from both his own colleagues and the media overall, for not informing his editor that he was given the name of Valerie Plame, the now former undercover CIA Agent that is at the center of a Leak Investigation by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald that, to-date, has resulted in the indictment of Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff, Lewis 'Scooter" Libby.

Woodward initially indicated that it was is habit of keeping secrets, and a fear of being subpoenaed, that prevented him of disclosing the information to his paper's editors. Despite this, Woodward made numerous appearances on cable television news programs, making comments and observations on the leak case and characterizing it as something that won't amount to much

Woodward later said that the reason he didn't write about the Plame Case because most of the Pulitzer Prize-winning work had already been done by other reporters and that "I didn't have a good feel for it … I also didn't have a secret, high-level, FBI source that could give me leads, and that I could confirm leads with."

It was only after November 3rd, when Prosecutor Fitzgerald requested Woodward to testify before the Grand Jury, that Woodward advised his editor.

Washington Post Executive Editor Leonard Downie Jr. admitted that his most famous employee had "made a mistake."

"He still should have come forward, which he now admits. We should have had that conversation. . . . I'm concerned that people will get a mis-impression about Bob's value to the newspaper and our readers because of this one instance in which he should have told us sooner."

Downie indicate that he has been aware of The New York Times talking with Woodward, courting him.

"We made an offer to Bob, but there's no way we could match allowing him to sit on any more stories."

It was rumored last month that Woodward may join the White House staff, who had put out a RFP seeking quality, talented writers to assist the Administration in spinning their stories.

The New York Times is currently under criticism, after it was disclosed that the newspaper sat on the story of President Bush's ordering of secret wiretaps of American citizens for nearly a year.

'Times reporters met with both current and former National Security Agency and other government officials, all who were granted anonymity due to the classified nature of the program. All had concerns about the operation's legality and oversight.

According to their own reporting, James Risen and Eric Lichtblau indicated that "the White House asked The New York Times not to publish this article, arguing that it could jeopardize continuing investigations and alert would-be terrorists that they might be under scrutiny. After meeting with senior administration officials to hear their concerns, the newspaper delayed publication for a year to conduct additional reporting. Some information that administration officials argued could be useful to terrorists has been omitted."

In a statement last Friday, Keller wrote that when "the Administration argued stronglythat writing about this eavesdropping program would give terrorists clues about the vulnerability of their communications and would deprive the government of an effective tool for the protection of the country's security."

"Officials also assured senior editors of the Times that a variety of legal checks had been imposed that satisfied everyone involved that the program raised no legal questions," Keller continued. "As we have done before in rare instances when faced with a convincing national security argument, we agreed not to publish at that time."

Keller added that the paper satisfied itself through more reporting that it could write the story without exposing "any intelligence-gathering methods or capabilities that are not already on the public record."

When contact by The Garlic, Keller refused to say if The New York Times was sitting on any additional stories, or if they intend to hold back on news in 2006.

"I really can't say," offered Keller, "As to next year, some of that will be up to Bob."

Woodward, when reached for comment, refused to confirm or deny his moving over to The New York Times. When asked about 'the Times' holding back on the wiretapping story, Woodward offered'

"I think that was legitimate, there certainly was a compelling reason to take that action … I applaud their boldness … I only wish that I was the one sitting on it, I've always wanted one of my books serialized in The New York Times … That would be something, for sure …"

The White House disclosed today, that in addition to conducting secret wiretaps on American citizens, they also have contracted psychics in their efforts to gleam information on terrorists and their activitiies

News In Brief 20 December 2005

Google Begins Talks With White House To Digitize Wiretaps

Once Declassified, Can Pair With Google Earth So Users Can See If Neighbors Were Under Surveillance

Google, The Garlic learned today, has quietly begun talks with the Bush Administration and White Housel, seeking to secure the rights to digitize the secret wiretaps ordered by President Bush.

According to John Ruffing, editor of a the newsletter 'Did You Mean Everything?', that monitors Googles activities, Google senior executive and lawyers have been in Washington since last Wednesday, and meeting with senior White House officials.

"They're looking to keep the Google Print program moving forward," said Ruffing. "They're not leaving any stone unturned.

Ruffing speculated that the wiretaps could come into play with Google's new partnership investment with America On-Line.

"More likely," said Ruffing, "they'll wait until they become declassified and merge them with Google Earth. That's where the money will be. People will flood them, to see if any of their neighbors were being watched by the government."

Google has been slowed in launching their Google Print program, due to lawsuits filed over copyright issues by publishers and a publishing trade association.

Back in August, Google did score a victory for their Google Print, winning the rights to digitize the Bazooka Joe comics.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Powers President Bush Believes The Constitution Gives Him

10. Make himself permanent host of "Saturday Night Live"

9. Unlimited servings at any salad bar in the country

8. Can carjack any American Citizen he wants and won't face arrest or prosecution

7. Replace the stars on American flag with a picture of himself, Laura and the twins

6. Donate enough money to the GOP and he can place your favorite NFL Team directly in the Super Bowl

5. Can have secret meetings, secret prisons, secret wiretaps … Wait … Patriot Act already lets me do that

4. Through Special Executive Order, can take off Bono and Bill and Melinda Gates and make himself Time Person-of-the-Year

3. Redistrict, not just Texas, but the entire country and eliminate altogether the Democratic Party

2. Put the White House on the market and, when its sold, keep the profits

1. Not only is he Commander-in-Chief, but, in 2006, new captain of New York Yankees

Monday, December 19, 2005

Monday 19 December 2005

Angry Bush Invokes 70's Spoof Movie To Justify Spying On Citizens

Brusque Off-Camera Exchange With Reporter; Three Day Blitz Part Of New White House Tour Plans

Following a nationally-televised press conference from the White House this morning, an agitated President Bush exchanged terse statements with a reporter shortly after ending the session and going off-camera.

Still bristling from a question asked in the press conference, about "unchecked presidential authority" the President buttoned-holed the reporter, and, with sticking his finger in the reporters' chest, said angrily;

"I'm in the drivers seat! … I'm running the show! … I'm the fucking President!"

The President then turned and stormed away from the gathering amidst shouting reporters wanting clarification.

A few minutes later, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan attempted to characterize President Bush as "having a little fun with you guys".

McClellan offered a private interview to the assembled reporters if they could name the movie the President used but none did before McClellan told them about "The Groove Tube".

Bush was invoking a quote from the popular 1974 movie, "The Groove Tube", a collection of satirizing skits.

The press conference this morning was the third consecutive day of a media offensive by the White House, with the President wrapping himself in duties of his office as a means to justify the war in Iraq and the new revelation of wiretapping telephone calls of American citizens/

"I took an oath to defend the Constitution, and I have no greater responsibility than to protect our people, our freedom, and our way of life," the President has said repeatedly and often.

The media blitz, following his four speeches laying out his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" over the past two-weeks, as well as granting interviews to network anchors. All are part of a new plan by the White House to extend the Presidents speaking schedule.

After declining to comment to PBS's Jim Leher on Friday night, about the disclosure by the "New York Times" earlier in the day of a program authorized by the President to allow the National Security Agency to eavesdrop on American citizens' telephone calls, the President shifted gears on Saturday, beginning with his weekly "Radio Address".

In the address, the President cited the Patriot Act as giving him the powers, as well as saying "to fight the war on terror, I am using authority vested in me by Congress, including the Joint Authorization for Use of Military Force, which passed overwhelmingly in the first week after September the 11th. I'm also using constitutional authority vested in me as commander in chief.

However, the White House took the unusual step of allowing television cameras to broadcast the Radio Address, live, as opposed to the typical action or recording the address for later broadcast.

On Sunday, the President took to the national airwaves again, with another address, this time from the Oval Office.

In his nearly 17-minute speech, the President again, hit the themes that he was authorized by Congress and has the powers as Commander in Chief from the Constitution to conduct such an intelligence gathering program.

All of this follow the disclosures over the past month that the U.S. Military has been paying a consulting agency to plant pro-American stories in Iraqi newspapers, and that the Pentagon was gathering information on domestic individuals and groups who were participating in anti-war demonstrations and programs.

In today's press conference, the President cited the Senate's blocking the renewal of the Patriot act as "shameful" and inexcusable", saying it was "an essential tool" in the fight against terrorism.

In his speeches and addresses over the weekend, and in today's press conference, the President repeatedly stated that "Congress gave me authority," in reference to his authorizing the spying program. The President also added that Congress has been advised and that he plans on continuing using the program.

Critics, both Democrats and Republicans are puzzled that the White House has hot used the 1978 Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA.) and gone to the FISA Court, which has, overwhelmingly, granted warrants for wiretaps. The FISA Act also allows for applying for the wiretaps after-the-fact, within 72-hours, under special or extreme circumstances.

Senator Arlen Spector (R-PA), chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said he intends to hold hearings.

"They talk about constitutional authority," Specter said. "There are limits as to what the president can do."

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) acknowledged he had been briefed on the four-year-old domestic spy program "a couple months ago."

"The president can't pass the buck on this one. This is his program," Reid said on "Fox News Sunday." "He's commander in chief. But commander in chief does not trump the Bill of Rights."

"The president has, I think, made up a law that we never passed," said Sen. Russell Feingold (D-WI"I tell you, he's President George Bush, not King George Bush. This is not the system of government we have and that we fought for."

McClellan refused to confirm or deny if the President would be using any additional quotes from movies to defend his actions.

"He does like Clint Eastwood films," offered the Press Secretary, "so, maybe, at the next press conference, he might ask one of you to make his day."

White House Councilor Harriet Miers has to duck photo- graphers, and under the wires and equipment that allows President Bush to listen to wiretapped telephone calls, live, in real-time, from the Oval Office.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Bill and Melinda Gates May Be Miffed At Sharing Time Person-of-the-Year With Bono

10. Bono uses a Mac

9. Pissed off that they have to do photo shoot and PR after Time-Warner burned Microsoft and sold piece of AOL to Google

8. Afraid Larry and Sergy will criticize them that they couldn’t win it on their own

7. It will probably bring a new round of frivolous lawsuits against Microsoft for monopolizing Time Person-of-the-Year Awards

6. Bush Administration already badgering them to pay for Bird Flu vaccine

5. Likely to send Steve Ballmer into another chair-throwing rampage

4. Bono will probably write a new song and it will only be god-dammed available on iTunes

3. Fear Bono may ask Gates to relieve debts of Microsoft customers and vendors

2. Being lumped with Bono probably means President Bush will be wiretapping their phone calls now

1. Apple already badgering them to do new iPod commercial with Bono

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 18 December 2005

President Bush and former House Leader Tom DeLay met over the weekend. DeLay was lobbying the President that "since you think I'm innocent, why don't you just pardon me right now and we can get back in business"

"It's three-months later and these assholes still don't have a clue," said New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, flanked by Fedreal Deposit Insurance Corporation Chairman Donald Powell (L) and Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff (R)

FIFA, in an attempt to promote the 2006 World Cup to a wider gay and lesbian audience, is producing a video called "Brokeback Soccer", that will highlight the close relationships developed by the games

Jeffrey Skilling, right, waits with Enron founder Kenneth Lay, center, and Skilling's lawyer, Daniel Petrocelli, to receive their 2005 Christmas bonuses, from the special fund set up by the former Enron mangement

Ousted by CNN, and rumored to be joining the Fox News Network, columnist Bob Novak, is said to be in demand by community theatres in the Washington D.C. area, in the role of "Scrooge" this holiday season.

"Oh wow, you should hear some of these calls" was the reaction of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, as she listened to an iPod loaded with wiretapped calls from the NSA and President Bush's program of eavesdropping on American citizens

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Editor's Note - Technical Difficulties On Friday

Good Morning Garlic Fans

Due to some technincal difficulites yesteday (Friday 15 December 2005), we were unable to post.

We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have wrought.

Rest assured, all is well and we'll be back with the Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves, as well as peeling away on Monday.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thursday 15 December 2005

White House To Extend President's Speaking Tour

May Venture Delivering Addresses Before 'Regular Folk"; Next Four Speeches To Tout "Historic Vote Count"

The White House announced today that, with the warm-up of "four hits under his belt", President Bush will extend his "speaking tour" throughout the winter. This would include the possibility of having the President speak to "regular folks" and some of the addresses may feature a special guest - Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT).

"We're really pumped" offered Communication Director Nicolle Devenish Wallace. "The President is beginning to get his confidence and pacing down, hitting his marks and we're still able to get away with tying the Sept 11th attacks to Saddam and Iraq and the justification for the war."

A search by The Garlic showed that the White House Travel Office is blocking out dates into March 2006 and booking hotel rooms in major cities across the country.

Wallace also indicted that "a number of these new speeches will be in front of average citizens."

"The President is eager to hit the road and talk with, what he calls, 'regular folks'. He wants to get his message directly to the people"

Wallace indicated the venues for the President's speeches will be varied, and include major conservative institutions, colleges and universities and, possibly, "one or two major arena events".

"We're really going to do this big," offered Wallace. "We'll have T-Shirts, CD's, DVD's and, for the younger generation, immediate downloads of the President's speeches to their iPods or MP3's."

Wallace refused to confirm or deny that there could be other practical matters for the President continuing his speaking tour.

According to Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist, one of the reasons to continue the speaking tour is to "continue dodging Cindy Sheehan".

"I have sources that are telling me," said Mitchell, "that the White House is intent on 'breaking down' Sheehan. They keep him moving around and make her spend more money following him. If the schedule is what I hear it is, they'll be in-and-out of cities before Sheehan can even arrive there."

Another source told Mitchell that they will be targeting speeches in areas close to Washington D.C. and Austin, TX, in an effort to "influence potential jurors" in the upcoming trials of former Vice President Chief of Staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby and former House Leader Tom Delay.

The Garlic has also learned that the Lincoln Group has secured additional contracts, to produce pro-American and pro-Iraqi Government stories "specifically around the Presidents speaking schedule".

"They're laying out," said our source who asked to remain anonymous, "a whole list of new historic events and happenings for Iraq in 2006."

Among the new historic events will be the upcoming "Historic Vote Count" and the "Historic First Day of the new Iraqi Parliament".

In a surprising move, according to Wallace, the President may be joined in selected cities by a special guest, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT), who has been an ardent supporter of the Bush Administration's Iraq War plans.

"Joe will be with us," said Wallace. "He's pretty jazzed by it already."

Extra security was in place for today's historic Iraqi vote for Democracy

News In Brief 15 December 2005

President Stays Firm On Call For War But Admits Intel Errors

White House Looking Into If President, VP Were Reading Lincoln Group Paid Propaganda During War Build-up

In a stunning development, President Bush, giving his fourth speech in less than a week to lay out his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", took full responsibility for going to war in Iraq and admitted that some of the intelligence he based his decisions on was faulty.

In his address yesterday, at the Woodrow Wilson Center in Washington, the President was atypically candid in taking responsibility for taking the United States into the Iraqi War.

"As president, I'm responsible for the decision to go into Iraq, and I'm also responsible for fixing what went wrong by reforming our intelligence capabilities."

However, as quickly as he admitted possible mistakes, the President returned to his defiant theme.

"Saddam was a threat and the American people and the world is better off because he is no longer in power,"

At the White House, Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that the internal investigation as to the faulty intelligence may show that "the President and Vice President may have received the paid information" that was contracted by the Pentagon

"We're trying to confirm if the information President Bush and Vice President Cheney read, to evauluate the deadly threats, was actually the paid propaganda that was contracted for from the Lincoln Group."

A spokesperson for the Lincoln Group declined comment, citing the terms of the contract with the U.S. Military.

This would be the second case known at this time of the White House confusing materials, and using paid content. Earlier this month, it was leaked that the President's first speech in his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" was also written by the Lincoln Group.

Top Ten Cloves: Things White House Is Worried About Over Outcome Of Iraq Elections

10. Cindy Sheehan will still be parking herself in front of White House and asking to meet with President

9. Maybe, just maybe, Rumsfeld will finally resign

8. President Bush will finally have time to watch all those DVD's to get caught up on what's happening

7. No matter how successful, still, likely, won't get that Jack Murtha off their backs

6. Not sure if they had enough planted stories out to influence election

5. Puts pressure on the Navy Secretary to find where they stored the "Mission Accomplished" banner

4. Will likely have to work nights and weekends to actually sit down and come up with plan for post-election Iraq

3. Dick Cheney will have to start practicing his "Imminent threat/mushroom clouds coming from Iran" rhetoric

2. Truckload of forged ballots will be traced back to them

1. If Karl Rove gets indicted, who'll teach the new Iraq leaders how to smear their opposition

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Wednesday 14 December 2005

O'Reilly Gears Up Next War; Says Will Battle To Save "Little Christmas"

Calls For New Laws and Mandatory Fines; Doesn't Hesitate To Make Up False Charges To Broadcast His Point

Fox News Anchor and Westwood One Radio Host Bill O'Reilly announced today that he will stay on the frontlines of the War on Christmas and continue the fight to save "Little Christmas", or "The Epiphany" from "the secular liberals and the ACLU"

"They're walking all over these traditions," bellowed O'Reilly.

"The sooner we can do away with these annoying pinheads, and get back to celebrating our Christian Holidays the way we did when we grew up - as more the half the country has told 'The Factor' - the better this country will be."

O'Reilly, again, as he has done for the past few years, launched a full-scale media battle, by many accounts, unprovoked and without merit, a war on "saving Christmas". O'Reilly has repeatedly charged liberals, and the ACLU as attempting to prevent citizens, and corporations from using the phrase "Merry Christmas" or even the word "Christmas".

O'Reilly has used his Fox News television program and his Westwood One radio program to rail against, what he perceives, is a liberal and secular conspiracy to do away with the Christmas holiday.

O'Reilly runs a list on his website, tracking corporations and retail stores on their use of traditional Christmas greetings and celebrations. O'Reilly complements the businesses that are embracing Christmas, and threatens with boycotts, or slams with smears, the business that use the more encompassing, generic "Happy Holidays".

And, when there isn't enough content for O'Reilly to wage his battle against, he has had no problem manufacturing and presenting false examples.

Recently, O'Reilly cited that officials in Saginaw Township, Michigan banned their citizens from wearing the traditional Christmas colors of red or green, charges made on both his television and radio program.

"In Saginaw , Michigan , the township opposes red and green clothing…on Anyone, In Saginaw Township they basically said anybody, we don’t want you wearing red or green. I would dress up from head to toe in red to green if I were in Saginaw Michigan .”

Saginaw Township supervisor Tim Braun said that O’Reilly’s comments are "flat out not true". Braun went on to say the township hall has red and green Christmas lights adorning the building at night.

O'Reilly, in his press conference announcing the "Little Christmas" is now the focus of his crusade, says that "for the secular grinches, it may be 'little' but wait until I get through with them, they'll wish they never started this thing."

O'Reilly also announced that he will be collaborating with Fox colleague John Gibson to write a new book, "The War On Little Christmas: How The Liberals And ACLU Are Plotting To Steal January 6th".

Gibson is the author of "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought"

O'Reilly indicated that he has approached legislators "in Congress, as well as every state in the Union", lobbying for laws to be passed to protect "Little Christmas" and impose a mandatory fine for "anyone that takes their tree and decorations down before January 6th."

"We want the tinsel and the lights, it's what make it the great holiday that it is," said O'Reilly.

When it was pointed out to the bellicose host, that January 6th, for Latinos all over the world, is "La Fiesta de Reyes" or "Three Kings Day", O'Reilly scoffed;

"Hey, maybe you haven't heard, this is America. Let them go back over the borders they crossed illegally and have all the holidays they want."

"Then," O'Reilly added, "I'm sure the ACLU will jump right in and say were' violating this, or infringing on that. Those Nazis will work their fingers to the bone to take away the small joy you, I and all the Average Joe's out there enjoy. I tell ya, it's just not fair."

To motivate and inspire his staff, to join the battle to "Save Christmas", Bill O'Reilly frequently works throughout the day dressed as Santa Claus

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Hewlett Packard's Wall Street Analyst Meeting Yesterday

10. If Carly was still running the show, we'd be having this meeting in St. Barts

9. You saw it already! I'd probably get fired if anyone saw me coming out of "Brokeback Mountain"

8. Didn't this guy used to make cash registers?

7. I'll bet, by the time they spin off the Printer Division, Google will be eating their lunch with something that can print better or faster

6. If Brian Williams spent a day with this guy, they'd have to wake him out of the chair by about 10AM …

5. If he brings up anything on merging with AOL, see if we still Carly's number in the Rolodex and how soon she can come back

4. A "blend company?" What are they doing out there, making computers or coffee?

3. I still have my HP iPod, what about you?

2. I heard the have a deal to get "HP Invent" on the President's new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

1. Jeez, if their financial forecast was any more cautious, they' d make Sam Walton look like Dennis Kozlowski

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tuesday 13 December 2005

Iraq Pulls Late Switch On Voters; Will Follow Red Sox And Have Two Presidents

Leaving Iraqi Lights On For Boy Wonder Epstein To Join New Government; Red Sox Announce New Viewing Charge

Showing admiration for the Boston Red Sox naming co-General Managers, the Iraq National Congress threw its' voters, and the Bush Administration, a curveball by announcing they will add a second Presidential candidate and run the new government with "Co-Presidents".

"They won the World Series last year, they are very competitive and profitable," said U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad
"They have fierce rivalries, just like the country of Iraq. It will be a good operational model to follow"

According to Prime Minister Ibraheem AL.Jafari, members of the Iraqi Parliament met in an all-night session last night, following the Boston Red Sox naming Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington as co-General Managers, and as early voting began in Iraq.

"We know it's late in the game, as they say over in America, so we had to make the quick decision.

Larry Lucchino, Boston Red Sox President and CEO, was flattered by the Iraq announcement.

"I knew we carried a lot of weight in Red Sox Nation," said Lucchino, "but I didn't know our reach went all the way to Iraq.

President Jalal Talabani is reported to be in favor of the move to have co-Presidents. In a very brief press conference, Talabani indicated that "it will be good that it isn't all on one person, and that one person being myself."

The Bush Administration was stunned by the announcement, clearly indicating they were unaware of the talks going on inside the Iraqi Government.

"The President," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, "sees this as a positive step towards the building of democracy in Iraq.

McClellan declined comment if President Bush will have to rewrite his "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq" or just add new chapters.

"The President is confident in his plans, as is," offered McClellan.

Ambassador Khalilzad said that "the President being a former owner of a baseball team should work will with this new arrangement".

President Bush was a former owner of the Major League Baseball team, the Texas Rangers.

In dropping another shoe, President Talabani indicated that the Iraqi Government has begun talks with former Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein. Epstein resigned back in November, after guiding the Red Sox to their World Series victory in 2004, breaking an 86-year drought.

Epstein, at the time, was the youngest General Manager in Major League Baseball.

Epstein's resignation stunned the Red Sox and their fans, as it appeared that the General Manager was about to sign a new contract. Rumors have suggested that Epstein bristled at not having autonomy and would continue having to report to Lucchino, his mentor.

Since the resignation, a constant buzz as been growing that Epstein will return to the Red Sox and, up until yesterday, in the role of filling the still vacant GM position. And Lucchino did nothing to dismiss the rumors, saying;

I would be 'fair to say there have been some general discussions about Theo coming back, but premature to discuss what role, if any, Theo could have.

''All we're saying is we'll keep the light on in the window, the door ajar, and if there's a fit, we'd like to see it happen."

'We've put the lights on here in Iraq," said Talabani. 'Our doors are open and we would welcome Mr. Epstein and his expertise."

The Iraqis, and the Bush Administration are preparing now for another war front - the bidding frenzy that will likely erupt on bringing Epstein to the Iraq Government.

Lucchino, and his two new co-General Managers, responded back to the Iraqis, attempting to steer them away from Epstein and gauging their interest in slugger Manny Ramirez, who, again, has asked to be traded, a move the Red Sox would like to accomplish , if only to unburden the team from Ramirez's huge contract.

There have been unconfirmed reports that New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is in talks with a number of Mid-East countries, as to bringing in "Yankee-style government" as a means to keep pace with bitter rivals, the Red Sox.

Commissioner Bud Selig is expected to approve the arrangement of Iraq co-Presidents and the Red Sox, so far, have not asked for any compensation.

To build up their own War Chest, the Red Sox announced today, that, as of the beginning of the 2006 season, fans will be charged $2.50 to look at Fenway Park from the outside, if they are not holding tickets.

The Red Sox, who have been aggressively renovating and expanding Fenway Park, as well as purchasing property around Fenway Park and entering commercial development deals. It's all part of their master plan to maximize revenue for baseballs smallest venue.

Lucchino confirmed the $2.50 "View Charge" and indicated that any person can purchase 'Red Sox Blinders' if they want to avoid having to pay the fee. The Red Sox have invested in sophisticated high technology and have a system in place that can determine if passerby's are taking "peeks or glimpses" of the famous ballpark.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV), responding for the Democrats, criticized the Iraq co-President move as "another example of the President not having a plan". Reid also cautioned the Iraqi's to "watch your wallets".

"This President, as an owner of a baseball team, extorted a city to build him a new stadium, and then turned around an sold the team at an obscene profit. Be careful that you don't build a new country, only to have President Bush turn around and sell off Iraq."

With widespread critical acclaim, and after receiving 7 Golden Globe nominations this morning, Tom Cruise was spotted running to catch a screening of "Brokeback Mountain"

Top Ten Cloves: What Saudi Prince Gets For Giving Harvard $20-Million

10. Guess which Ivy League school doesn't have to pay for its' heating oil anymore as long as a certain student gets all "A's"?

9. He gets to meet Ali McGraw, but no commitments that "Love Story, The Sequel" will come out of it

8. Camel Racing is now a new Ivy League sport

7. Harvard will develop new, state-of-art, robotic jockeys for the camel racing

6. Harvard will put all their best brains to work on figuring out how EuroDisney can make money

5. No more Weidner; It's now called the "Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal" Library

4. He can fill Harvard Yard with as much sand as he wants

3. Respects Harvard President Larry Summer's views on woman

2. Gets to give the Bush Family shit whenever Harvard beats Yale

1. To be able to say "I pahked my cah in Hahvid Yahd" without a trace of accent

Monday, December 12, 2005

Monday 12 December 2005

White House, GOP Deny Obama Charge; Call For "Intelligent Ownership" Alternatives

Voucher Program For Private Schools To Offer Curriculum "Since Public Schools Won't Be Around Much Longer"

In a keynote address at the annual meeting of Florida Democrats at Walt Disney World Saturday evening, Illinois Senator Barak Obama charged that the Republicans controling the Federal Government are practicing "Social Darwinism", drawing sharp criticism from White House, the GOP and Televangelist Pat Robertson this morning.

Obama (D-IL), the only African American in the U.S. Senate, offered the gathering the glaring example of how "some Hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans still live in cars while Republicans in Washington prepare next week to enact $70 billion in tax breaks".

"It's sink or swim," said the recently Grammy-nominated Senator.

As Reuters reported, Obama stated "It's called the 'Ownership society' in Washington. This isn't the first time this philosophy has appeared. It used to be called Social Darwinism."

This morning, the White House criticized Obama for "exploiting the issue of Hurricane Katrina" and that he was "appropriating the President's agenda for 2006."

"The President", offered White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "will be submitting to the new Congress after the holiday break a comprehensive plan for 'Intelligent Ownership'."

A short time later, in her own press conference, Department of Education Secretary Margaret Spellings confirmed that the Administration is "laying out" an "Intelligent Ownership" plan.

"It's at the top of the list", said Spellings. "It very comprehensive and it will have a Voucher Program with it, for private schools to offer 'Intelligent Ownership' alternatives, since we can't count on public schools being around much longer."

In keeping with the President's vision for "Intelligent Ownership, Spellings clarified that the "Voucher Program is more, or less, moral support. The private schools will have to pick up the tab for it, or get sponsorships to implement the program".

President Bush set off a firestorm of controversy earlier this summer, when speaking with a group of Texas reporters, the President advocate that he believed "Intelligent Design" should be taught in schools, alongside with the competing theories of evolution.

A broad spectrum of the scientific community is critical of "Intelligent Design", saying there is no scientific evidence to support it, no education value in teaching it and that it is false marketing effort to introduce religious and Chrisitian thinking to students.

Fred Spilhaus, executive director of the American Geophysical Union (AGU) said that "what the president has done is give impetus to people who would like to push their side of this agenda, and that's a real problem."

"President confuses science and belief, puts schoolchildren at risk."

The American Institute of Biological Sciences, the American Physical Society and the American Astronomical Society also released statements saying that intelligent design has no place in the science classroom.

In September, the issue went into the court system after a Dover, PA school board was sued, over the seperation of Church-and-State, for requiring students to hear about Intelligent Design in a biology class.

In a subsequent election, the entire schoold board was voted out-of-office, drawing the ire of Conservative Christian televangelist Pat Robertson, who warned the citizens of Dover, PA “I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city,” on his daily television show “The 700 Club.”

Obama stated to the Florida Democrats that "they have a philosophy they have implemented and that is doing exactly what it was designed to do. They basically don't believe in government. They have a different philosophy that says, 'We're going to dismantle government'."

Naming the Republican Party directly, Obama charged that they believe, "You are on your own to buy your own health care, to buy your own retirement security ... to buy your own roads and levees."

When apprised of Obama's comments, Robertson declined comment, saying only that "I hope the good Senator doesn't need God's help anytime soon."

Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman, slammed Obama, saying that "he's following Lieberman, since the Democrats have no ideas of their own to implement."

"This is more of the Democratic Party's 'rejectionist' vision," said Mehlman. "They can't accept how the President has established a strong foreign policy, with bringing democracy and victory to Iraq so they are not going to get behind the President's strong and clear domestic policies."

"Maybe he has stardust in his eyes," offered Mehlman. "He's up for a Grammy Award so he's probably been hanging out with those liberal Hollywood-types."

In Washington, Bob Woodward, Washington Post reporter and author, told his editor and colleagues that he'd be "really envious of Obama if he wins that Grammy."

President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney said, according to the White House, that they "enjoyed very much" the private screening of "Brokeback Mountain" and that it "brought back some good memories from some days down in Crawford"

The White House insisted the President was referring to the work of clearing brush and horse riding only

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Wikipedia Plans To Beef up Security for Entries

10. Ordering a new program, very similar to the security used by credit card companies

9. Nothing, but will add new section on that troublemaker, John Seigenthaler

8. All entries must now be handwritten and submitted by mail

7. Unknown, can't reach Founder Jimmy Wales; Police believe he fled on bus to New Mexico or Las Vegas

6. "Hey, you're either with us or against us"

5. Goodbye Open Source and Hello Paid Entry Fees!

4. Must deliver entries in-person, have four pieces of identification and submit to DNA and Drug Testing

3. Only "brainy, egghead types" can make entries from now on

2. Will ask Match.Com what they did to get past their "fake profiles" and "rigged dates" scandal

1. Have to wait until the Iraqi company they outsourced to has trained enough people to work the site by themselves

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 December 2005

In an effort to battle rising unemployment, the European Union audtioned thousands of applicants to fill newly created jobs as "human flags"

Citing the rising cost of energy prices, Santa Claus, seen here training in an undisclosed Artic location, is parking the sleigh this year and will deliver all the toys and gifts via swimming. Instead of coal, bad children will receive a piece of coral in their stockings

An arrest warrent was issued for the Dalai Lama in The Netherlands, after he failed to show up in court to defend against assault charges. The High Priest is accused of "headbutting a minor".

The Pentagon announced Friday that all military personnel will soon be issued a pocket-sized edition of the "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq", so that "there is never a doubt" about what the mission is.

A new communique from Osama bin Laden, warned not of any new terror strikes but of, beginning in January, all new broadcasts from the Al-Qaeda leader will be in High Definition TV.

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
warms up for her upcoming appearance on the "Tonight Show", where she will join host Jay Leno in a skit, reprising the late Johnny Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent".

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday 9 December 2005

Lieberman Officially Withdraws From 2000 Ticket; Prelude To Taking Bush Cabinet Post

With Rumsfeld Saying He's Staying, Appointment May Hinge On Cheney Indictment For Last Political Hoorah

DNC, Dean, Gore Livid: Must Fill VP Position Retroactively Or Face Default On Top Of Loss

Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) stunned colleagues and his own party elders when he filed today, the official paperwork to remove himself from the 2000 Presidential ticket, as Al Gore's Vice Presidential running-mate.

The Gore-Lieberman ticket lost to now President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney in the bitterly contested election, that required the United States Supreme Court to settle and decide the race, after a deeply flawed vote count in the State of Florida.

Washington insiders say the move by Lieberman, who has recently been backing President Bush's vision and strategy for the War in Iraq, is likely a formality, a prelude to Lieberman joining, as has been hotly rumored all over the Capital, the Bush Administration, possiblly replacing a retiring Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense.

The Democratic National Committee, and its' Chairman, Gov. Howard Dean, issued a statement lambasting Lieberman "for his betrayal".

"He must be a loser if he wants to join a losing team", said Dean.

Former Vice President, and 2000 Presidential nominee Al Gore said that he "was deeply disappointed" and if he had known, "would never have chosen Lieberman" as his running mate.

A spokesperson for the Federal Election Committee indicated that Liberman can, legally, withdraw from the race "even though it's over".

"It's really just a matter of filing out some forms", said the spokesperson.

The Withdrawal forms are then copied to both poltical parties, and, in the case of the 2000 election, copies were also sent to the Supreme Court.

According to the FEC spokesperson Gore must choose a new running-mate, despite that the election is over, or legally and technically, he will be faced with a default, on top of the already-recorded loss.

And late yesterday, cold water was splashed on the rumors when Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated that he is not retiring anytime soon.

"I have no plans to retire," said Rumsfeld. "Those reports have been flying around since about four months after I assumed my post in 2001."

President Bush has not, publically, indicated, that he is ready to bring Lieberman into the Administration. However. The President has gone out of his way to praise and quote Liberman as he stumps to promote his new "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

To counter the blistering and growing criticism, from Democrats, and also Republican members of the House and Senate, the President cites Senator Lieberman, one of his strongest Democratic supporters, and Lieberman's comments that "visible and practical progress were obvious in Iraq"

Lieberman, in speeches, has lined himself up with President Bush, saying that “the war (in Iraq), which arguably began as a “war of choice” has become a “war of necessity”

Liberman also chided his fellow Democrats, calling that "it is time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be Commander-in-Chief for three more critical years, and that in matters of war we undermine Presidential credibility at our nation’s peril".

Lieberman has refused comment on whether he plans to join the Bush Administration, deferring questions to RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman.

'He's out on the ledge right now", says David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

"With Rummy saying he's staying, Lieberman's only hope, really, is if Cheney gets indicted. There aren't any other Cabinet members shaking out in the forseeable future".

"This is", says Aarsonson, "really his last hurrah. Weicker is lining up, possibly, to run against him in '06' and Hillary will eat his lunch if he goes for the nomination in 2008".

Vice President Cheney's Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby was indicted back in October, in the CIA Leak Case, in the CIA Leak Case, and Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is continuing the investigation, having recently convined a secord grand jury to hear evidence.

Speculation is rampent that longtime Bush aide Karl Rove, and possibly Cheney and other administration officials could be hit with indictments.

In a related story, Bob Woodward, Washington Post reporter and author, says that he knew of the 2000 Presidental Election results and the courts battles that followed, but didn't tell his editors or colleagues because he was "afraid they would want me to write a book on it".

Joe Lieberman's withdrawal from the 2000 Democratic ticket places former Vice President Al Gore in jeopardy of having a "default" added to his loss

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Chris Rock Won't Be Hosting The Oscars This Year

10. Older Academy members thought his UPN show "Everybody Hates Chris" was a news report and complained

9. Fearful that Ann Coulter will heckle and throw pies at him

8. Collin Farrell, Toby Maguire and Chris Penn threatened to kick his ass if he shows up

7. He's not part of the "National Strategy For Victory In Iraq"

6. Jude Law threatened the Academy with a lawsuit

5. ABC couldn't risk what he would say about "Brokeback Mountain" or "Memoirs of a Geisha"

4. Getting flak from American Family Association, because he had use of a leased Jaguar last year

3. Since people say he "bombed" last year, worried about Air Marshalls on flight out to Hollywood and what they might do

2. Holding out that he still has a chance to get named as another anchor of 'Nightline'

1. Kayne West was right; Bush Administration put some heat on Academy to get a white host this year

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Thursday 8 December 2005

Bush Team Miffed 'Podcast" Wins Word-Of-Year; Cites Media Lockout of Good News

Sponsored Three Words For Award; Apple To Issue Special Edition "Dictionary-Thick" iPod

It may become the new "war of words" as the New Oxford American Dictionary announced that "Podcast" is its' Word-of-the-Year, a move that has upset the Bush Administration.

White House Chief of Staff Andy Card said in a statement that "we are deeply disappointed".

The White House sponsored three words this year for the title of 'Word-of-the-Year; Terrorist, Karl Rove and, a late entry, National Strategy For Victory In Iraq.

'The White House, WHIG and a whole team of right-wing pundits made a tremendous effort", said Card. "We beat the drum long and loud for 'terrorist' and 'Karl Rove'. Though we came in late with the 'National Strategy entry, we believed it had the strength to rise up the ladder".

The White House was completely shut out of the awards, as Runners-up for the 2005 Word of the Year included "bird flu", "lifehack", "sudoku", "trans fat" and "persistent vegetative state".

Ironically, IED (improvised explosive device, such as a car bomb) was a Runner-up finalist, however that word was sponsored by Al-Qaeda.

In a candid interview with reporters, Card said "we did waiver a bit on 'terrorist'".

'The President wasn't as consistent with it as he could have been", admitted Card. "For awhile, he was running with 'global enemies' and there was the constant inter-changing with the word 'insurgents'. I think Rummy [Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld] finally put it out last week, that it was just plain old 'terrorists'".

Card lamented that Karl Rove "wasn't indicted" in the CIA Leak Case.

"That still may come to pass", said Card. "It it had happened earlier, or along with Scooter, I think it would have been a slam dunk we get the title".

Speaking officially for the President, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said that "the President believes that the real story isn't getting out there".

"The President feels that the mainstream and liberal media in this country, as well as in Europe, are ignoring the tremendous effort and progress we are making in Iraq. Not winning Word-of-the-Year is just another example of being overlooked."

Apple Computer, according to a spokesperson, was "ecstatic" on having "podcast" enter the mainstream lexicon.

To celebrate the title, Apple quickly announced a new "Word-of-the-Year" iPod that will be release early in 2006.

Moving away from the standard, micro, paper-thin iPods, the "Word-of-the-Year" iPod will be "as thick as a dictionary" and have the capacity to "hold the contents of ten dictionaries, plus over 1-million songs".

"You could jump-start your car with the battery from this iPod", said the Apple spokesperson.

In releasing the new "Word-of-the-Year" iPod, Apple will also make available for downloading, dictionaries, from a new section in their iTune franchise, tentatively titled iWord. Only owners of the Special Edition "Word-of-the-Year iPod will be able to download from iWord, and can do so, either purchasing the entire dictionary, specific letters, or a la carte words.

In an exclusive photo provided to The Garlic, Apple Computer engineers work on the soon-to-be-released Special Edition Word-of-the-Year iPod, expected to be available in early 2006