Saturday, November 24, 2007

Hello Dolly! ... Just In Time For Christmas ...

Well, this was a nice, easy way to softly land back into the grind, after two, much-needed, days' rest.

We hope our Garlic fans had a good Thanksgiving Holiday

In the event you also rested, and didn't take part in the MSM-and-Cable-News Cheerleading extravaganza of the "Black Friday" shopping frenzy (God, it was mind-numbing! Barry Crimmins covered the lead-in, the incessant loop of the travel reports, as if crowded airports the day before a holiday is a one-in-a-hundred-year event).

Apparently they're still following the Bush Grindhouse marching orders of "Go Shopping!".

The only thing that attempted to throw a cross-body block into the orchestrated push to the malls, was the seminal lost white woman story, the new developments in the Natalee Holloway case (which, going unreported, was the contribution of the news media flying to Aruba adding to those travel reports from a packed O'Hare in Chicago)

Too bad no new ripples jetted out of the late Anna Nicole Smith pool, otherwise, we may have actually seen our television sets go into spasms, with the news gatherers hyperventilating just how to divvy up those minutes of airtime.

So it was, over a nice cup of coffee, we espied the Christy Hardin Smith post, over on Firedoglake, "Your Holiday Shopping Conundrums Solved!"

Christy was riffing on an article by Al Karman, in the Washington Post, of a new Donald Rumsfeld doll ('Did You Push My Button? Yes. Am I Going to Talk? You Bet.')

That's right, a toy doll, in the likeness of ol' Rummy that, with the push-of-a-button, will speak classic Rumsfeldian.

Christy put in a call for "other ideas" ...

Sooooo ...

Here it is, The Garlic's recommended addition to your holiday shopping list.

The Bush Grindhouse Dolls

Dick Cheney: Comes with a group of secret playmates that you will be under court order not to divulge the names of and, a extra defibrillator, so you can perform an actual surgical operation, extending the life of your Dick Cheney doll (Coming Soon - The Deluxe Dick Cheney-Wolf Blitzer-Lynne Cheney Smack Down Set ).

I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby: Does whatever the Dick Cheney Doll tells him what to do

Condoleezza Rice: Sit Condo down at the piano (included), or have her storm around in her knee-high leather boots ... Be sure to order the half-completed, still-under construction U.S. Iraq Embassy (with new Blackwater USA helicopters), or the Condi-Private Home-Special Companion Doll House)

Rush Limbaugh: New and improved with memory chip ... Take Rush to school with you and get ready for gut-busting laughter as your Rush doll mocks and insults any non-white, or handicapped students in your class

David Addington: Cheney's Cheney ... Comes with a parental warning, as the doll is capable of rewriting your house rules, allowing your child to act in atrocious and despicable ways. Additional warning cautions to be sure about having your child play with the David Addington and John Yoo dolls separately

Colin Powell: Playing with this doll will be like having a pet parrot, as you can have the Colin Powell doll say anything you want it to say (The Whispering George Tenet doll is not included and must be purchased separately)

Tom Delay: Along with quoting Bible versus and uttering completely wrong statements, your home will be rodent-free, as the Tom Delay doll also functions as a working exterminator

Jack Abramoff: Truly a special addition to your child's toy chest, as you stand back and watch the Abramoff doll bribe and make illegal payoffs to all your child's other dolls (Indian Casino sold separately)

Bill O'Reilly: The doll of non-stop, idiotic bluster that's fun for the whole family (Parental Supervision is recommended if this doll was purchased for a girl; A glitch in the programming may have the doll questioning the young female in an inappropriate, sexual manner)

President Bush: The Deluxe Transformer Edition: You can take this Conservative Christian and change him into The Decider Guy, The Commander Guy (Flight suit sold separately), or The Shakespeare Guy.

Whatever you turn your President George Bush doll into, your doll will under-perform, to a high degree, including complete failure (Expect the Consumer Protection Agency and Mainstream Media not to report this, and continually pump up the George Bush Doll as being successful).

Ordering Note

The Ann Coulter Doll is currently unavailable, having been recalled for possible violations, including copyright infringement and plagiarism.

The Dennis Miller Doll has been discontinued due to not coming to terms with the Game Show Network

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Happy Holiday ... However You Celebrate it!

Good Evening Garlic Fans

Well, we wrote a post early this morning and, in looking at again this evening, it wasn't up to snuff.

Too much rant, not enough satire, so I shelved it and will see if it can be salvaged for a Friday, or weekend post.

So, rather than leave a day barren, allow me to wish all our readers and visitors a very happy, healthy and safe Thanksgiving Day Holiday.

Whether you eat turkey, or tofu, get up early for a high school football, or nod off in front of the tube during the 1st Quarter of the traditional Dallas game ... If you're serving needy people in a shelter, or being served by kind, generous, unselfish folk ... If you're out protesting the innumerable things that need protesting, or having to deal with a 3-year-old boycotting your famous green bean dish, take a moment and be thankful you can be where you are, and do what you do ...

Be it loving friends and family, a simplicity of a hot meal, or just the blessing of good health, everyone has something to be thankful for ...

Have a great day!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: How The Amazon Kindle Can Effect The Legal World

News Item: Introducing Amazon Kindle - Revolutionary Portable Reader Lets Customers Wirelessly Download Books in Less Than a Minute and Automatically Receive Newspapers, Magazines and Blogs

10. If Casablanca were being made now, Rick Blaine would have copied the Letters of Transit into The Kindle to hide them from the Nazis

9. Bigger Legal Fees - Divorces will now become more contentious, with the fight over who gets to keep The Kindle

8. Witnesses will start hearing "Raise your right hand and place your left hand on The Kindle ..."

7. Should cut down on jail breaks - Pretty tough to hide a pick or file inside a Kindle

6. If The Monotones were around now, they might be suing someone for the illegal downloading of "Who Wrote The Kindle of Love"

5. You could bet that Perry Mason would trap someone in a lie, based on something to do with The Kindle

4. The Scopes Trial - If it was taking place now, Clarence Darrow would stun the court by having a monkey work The Kindle

3. The Paper Chase - none of the students would be intimidated by Professor Kingsfield - They'd have all the Wildy's on The Kindle

2. Judges and District Attorneys are going to have to learn how to say "We're gonna throw the Kindle at you"

1. Hawaii 5-0 would see McGarrett barking "Kindle'em Dano"

Bonus Amazon Kindle Links

15 Things I Just Learned About the Amazon Kindle

Liveblogging the Amazon Kindle E-Reader Show with Jeff Bezos

First Look: Amazon’s Kindle Reader: The Gap Between Description and The Device

Monday, November 19, 2007

Black Bunting and Chalk Outlines ... It's Weekend at Rudy's

Oh, this is going to be so fun to watch.

Both Steve Benen, over on The Carpetbagger Report, and Greg Sargent, on TalkingPointsMemo's 'The Horse's Mouth', have excellent posts detailing the nations top tier "journalists", yesterday, on Meet The Press, lead by Little Timmy Russert, in going out of their way not to criticize America's 911 Mayor.

Misleading statistics were presented and, astonishingly, it appears this assembled mass of alleged reporters are going to wait, if at all, to begin looking into Ms. Rudy;

"If he is the nominee, time will begin again, the morning after. We will begin to explore the New York record, and debate it and discuss it in a way that we haven't so far."
So, their giving him a pass, until "he is the nominee".

Here's a big problem, beyond the obvious one of them continuing in their stenographer/lap dog ways;

The candidacy of America's 911 Mayor is dead!

The chalk outline is there, and the black bunting is on order, but It just may be awhile before the police and medical examiner get to the body.

That's due to the GOP/RNC getting into show business, running a casting cattle-call for the star who can "beat Hillary"".

And, they've decided on a national, dinner theatre production of "Weekend at Rudy's", with the party and the handlers propping up a dead body, all in the hope they can fool the masses that this is their guy.

If it hasn't happened already, ticket sales are beginning to sink, largely due to the party ignoring the two, bigger shows that have opened, and promise to be far more entertaining and engaging.

We speak, of course, of the one-man show, "Bernie Kerik - This Is Your Life" and the Judith Regan revival, "The Book Publisher Always Rings Twice".

We could say something about "The Great White Way" being lit up, but we run the risk of the Rightwing Freakshow taking it as a slap at the legacy of Ronald Reagan's racist policies.

But stay tuned.

All three shows are being run on both free and cable television, and while America's 911 Mayor says he doesn't comment on gossip, the reviews on his performance will be coming in at a steady stream.

That is, until the police and medical examiner show up to take the body.

It may then all switch over to Court TV, when it shifts into "Weekend at Rudy's II"

Townsend's Lack of Knowledge On Al Qaeda Gets Her Bounced

Sources Say Can't Be Sure She Would Be Able To Get Iran Info Straight

Sources tell The Garlic, that despite the platitudes showering her exit, Assistant to the President for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Frances Fragos Townsend is being bounced from the administration for "Not knowing jack shit about al Qaeda"

Townsend announced today that she is leaving her post in the Bush Grindhouse.

"With the build-up against Iran in full operations," added the source, an administrative aide inside the West Wing of the Bush Grindhouse, "a lot of people here are really nervous that she can't get the info straight or stay-on-message."

Townsend first drew the ire of The Commander Guy, back in July, when, in a press conference, Townsend admitted "I don’t know’ if Al Qaeda was in Iraq before the war."

Then, in September, Townsend was obtusely dismissive of Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda, after a new video was released two days before the sixth anniversary of Sept. 11th.

"Let's remember almost six years now since September the 11th, we have not seen much of bin Laden," she said on "Fox News Sunday," pointing out that this was the third audio or video recording released of him in as many years. "This is about the best he can do. This is a man on the run, from a cave, who is virtually impotent other than these tapes."
While The Decider Guy was said to be disappointed, Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly threw a tantrum and tirade, railing against Townsend that "she's screwing up all our plans."

Cheney became an unrelenting critic of Townsend, worried that she would not be able to carry through on the pre-invasion spin and lies on Iran.

Unconfirmed reports claim that the tensions between Townsend and Cheney peaked over the weekend, when, after asked by Cheney for an assessment on the deteriorating situation in Pakistan, Townsend responded back to the Vice President that she "didn't know if President Pervez Musharraf was in Pakistan before he became President."

Another unconfirmed report has Townsend moving over to the Rudy Guiliani campaign, to begin, immediately, obfuscating when, if at all, former, and now indicted aide, Bernard Kerik was ever in Guiliani's mayoral administration.

Bonus Fumbling Fran Links

Think Progress: Townsend’s goodbye to Bush: ‘You are such a man.’

Crooks and Liars: Denial Ain’t Just a River in Egypt, Folks

There is rampant speculation that Townsend will, sooner, rather than later, start questioning if she was ever in the Bush Administration

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Thomas Friedman, Clearly, Is Eating Lead-Painted Toys From His Flat World Economy!

While he has long been on this path, it may be that, the effects of eating the lead-painted toys from his heralded "world is flat" economy must be taking over.

Thomas "My Head Is Flat" Friedman (or, as Barry Crimmins likes to call him, Thomas L. Freepass) uses his column space today ( "Channeling Dick Cheney") to advocate - self admittedly ("No, I personally am not a Dick Cheney fan, and I know it is absurd to even suggest, but now that I have your attention, here’s what’s on my mind ...") - that, if elected, Senator Barack Obama should retain Dick Cheney as his Vice President.

Okay, I'll wait a moment for you to pick yourself up off the floor.

Friedman quickly drops his absurdity to lay out that the Democrats are going to need to have - in their President or Vice President - a harsh, warmongering, crazy motha ..., "standing over his right shoulder, quietly pounding a baseball bat into his palm" kind of guy, to deal with Iran, and the Middle East overall

A kind of "Walk Loudly and Carry An Even Bigger Stick" foreign policy approach.

A kind of "Suck On This" Friedman-favorite approach.

A kind of same thing Friedman has been saying since the start of the Invasion and Occupation of Iraq, for which Glenn Greenwald, over at Salon, becoming equally-alarmed with the preposterous suggestion, points out that "The Tom Friedman of 2002 has not gone anywhere".

While Friedman paints (presumably loaded with lead, from his "word is flat" economy) a broad picture, let's take a look at some of the practical obstacles and hurdles that would have to be overcome in order for Darth Vader to stay in control of the galaxy.

The Axis of Evil List

Presumably, this AEL will expire on January 20th, 2009 - Will the new, presumably, Democratic President renew it?

Will the same players stay on the Axis of Evil List if it renewed? A new president may want to refresh the list, put some new countries on it, based on his (or her) agenda.

But, if we take into consideration Friedman's, as well as his rightwing, warmongering, Neocon buddies, a Democratic president will be, most assuredly, soft on terror ... A wimp, who will coddle and appease the terrorists.

So, almost assuredly, a new Democratic President won't have an AEL, which would leave the Vice President of Darkness with nothing to rail about. He can trade in his Louisville Slugger for a whiffleball bat.


If the Congress hangs on to its' recently-grown spine, and keeps immunity out of any new FISA legislation, chances are Mr. Cheney is going to be busy, giving depositions, huddling with lawyers, going in-and-out of court.

He certainly isn't going to have time to shake his fist at Iran, or any other country, at least not while holding a subpoena in it.

This will be a nightmare for Friedman and his crowd.

The terrorists gaining an upper hand, winning because of our functioning, democratic, impartial legal system?

This certainly wont do, and Friedman will use his columns, and there'll be Weekly Standard an WSJ editorials, calling for more of our civil rights and liberties to be taken away. It will be like a warm, fuzzy dream when we think of how, under the Bush Grindhouse, we only lost Habeas Corpus.

(We also should factor in here, that in a third or fourth term as Vice President, Dick Cheney is very likely to continue with his hunting trips and, the chance that he may shoot - again - another fellow hunter, who won't be inclined to blame himself, or the local authorities will refuse to cover it up,. may bog down the Vice President's office)


Considering the heated brouhaha over stem cells, what kind of outcry will come when we will possibly have a bionic Vice President?

Cheney is on, what, his third or fourth pacemaker, and warmongering is heavy-duty stressful work.

Constantly having to stay on message, having to constantly badger the CIA and other intelligence units, constantly having to lie, that takes stamina, and good, strong physical condition.

Will Cheney be up for that, capable of that?

Yes, we could bring back John Yoo, and have him, and David Addington, draft up new laws that "Organ Harvesting" of all those terrorist prisoners in Gitmo is not torture. Or, scanning the medical records of U.S. Citizens, a new round-up of enemy combatants could occur, taking into custody only those with healthy hearts that would be compatible with Cheney's (whoa, that's a frightening thought - that there could be another American with a dark, as black a heart, as Cheney)

The Shadow Presidency

Friedman, blatantly, overlooks one serious element of his equation.

It isn't a question of if a President-Elect Barack Obama would retain the current Vice President, but more, would the current Vice President allow a President-Elect Obama into his Shadow Presidency.

Will Dick Cheney give up his control of the Executive Branch?

We have to factor in another part of Friedman's flat world that may be giving the Lord of Darkness some ideas.


On January 19th, or 20th, 2009, will Cheney step forward and officially announce he is in control of the government, abolish the Congress and the courts, start jailing anyone who opposes or criticizes the coup, all under the name of saving our democracy?

Granted, Friedman, and his rightwing power hawks would cheerlead such a Cheney coup, and that would likely generate another phony "mea culpa" column from Freidman, pointing back to today's dribble and how naïve he was, as he starts shouting to the new Dictator Cheney, with the decks all clear, to start having the Middle East "Suck On This"!

And we'll all be subjected to their nauseating anthem.

Neocon Days Are Here Again

So long New York Times
Go long LA Times
We are rid of you at last

Rowdy gay times
Cloudy gray times
You are now a thing of the past

Neocon Days are here again
The torture we had is cleared again
So let's wage a war and cheer again
Neocon Days are here again

All together, shout it now
There's no one who can stop us now
So lets dominate the world about it now
Neocon Days are here again

Your laws and rights are gone
There'll be no constitution from now on
Neocon Days are here again

Neocon Days are here again
The laws we had are clear again
So let's wage a war and cheer again
Neocon Days are here again

Happy times
No Civil Rights
Only our ways
Neocon Days are here again!

Bonus Thomas "My Head Is Flat" Friedman Links

Jules Crittenden - Tom Friedman: “9/11 has made us stupid.”

Hollywood Reporter - Columnist in biz with

David Sirota - Billionaire Tom & More Education Mythmaking

FAIR - Media Advisory: Tom Friedman's Flexible Deadlines Iraq's 'decisive' six months have lasted two and a half years

Comics Come Home Xlll Review, From The Optimistic Curmudgeon

Meet The Optimistic Curmudgeon.

The Garlic wants to hip you to The Optimistic Curmudgeon, otherwise know as Nick Zaino, freelance writer extraordinaire, and pounding the Comedy and Stand-Up Comedy beat for 'The Boston Globe" (and a person who "enjoys declarative sentences".)

And, if you are a Dennis Leary fan, you're in luck, as TOC has an extensive review of the event, which took place last week here in Boston.

Most of Leary’s ire Saturday was directed at celebrities and senators. Amy Winehouse and Larry Craig both had their images shown on two giant screens as Leary blurted his immediate thoughts, a burst of sunshine, as usual. The high/low point came when Leary showed an infamous paparazzi photo of Britney Spears getting out of her limo sans undies, with a star over the naughty bits. Leary asked the screen operators to show the picture uncensored, after which a picture of Bobby Brown came up on the screen. Just when you thought it was safe, there was the pic, uncensored, about twenty feet high. “That’s actual size, by the way,” Leary commented.
Check out Live Review: Comics Come Home XIII

And bookmark, or sign-up for, The Optimistic Curmudgeon... Nick's the real-deal and you'll find your time well-spent with his writing.