Friday, August 04, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Nobody In Bush Administration Or Pentagon Will Say Iraq Is In Civil War

News Item: Iraq at Risk Of Civil War, Top Generals Tell Senators

10. Can’t call all those fake Elevated Terror Alerts if it’s a Civil War

9. The Sunni’s and Shia all wear multiple-colored clothing so would be hard to make the Blue-Gray analogies

8. Isn’t testing well in the focus groups for the Mid-Term Elections, giving too much of a edge to the Democrats and Liberals

7. President prefers to leave it to the next President to label it a Civil War

6. Need to clear up and fix this Senators-Only Elevator fiasco before we can get to the question of it’s a Civil War or not

5. What, you think Rumsfeld was going to give Hillary Clinton a bone like that!

4. Calling it a Civil War will screw-up all the plans to expand and invade Iran and Syria

3. Too much trouble auditioning and documenting all those reenactment players that will surely follow

2. Would default, and cost billions more, on all those Halliburton contracts, that stipulate a “War On Terror”

1. They’d have to come up with new false intelligence, and out another CIA covert agent to go with the Civil War storyline

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, testifying yesterday before the Senate Armed Services Committee, said he was reluctant to label the conflict in Iraq as Civil War, mostly due to it would be
hard to make the Blue-Gray analogies, with the Sunni’s and Shia all wearing multiple-colored clothing

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Senate May Do To Keep Non-Senators Off The Senators-Only Elevator

News Item: Washington Traffic Jam? Senators-Only Elevator

10. It’s on Department of Homeland Security’s “To-Do” list, just as soon as they secure the ports and border, and fill that Cyber Security Post

9. Bill Frist is studying all the videotape from the security cameras so he can make a proper diagnosis of the problem

8. If they're Diebold elevators, that explains why their so easily compromised

7. The White House won’t like it, but Senators can just raise a Terrorist Alert Threat to clear everyone out of it

6. White tourists are politely asked to leave; African-American tourists have the Capital Police put on their asses

5. Simple - Just add another amendment to the Patriot Act, or the War Crimes Act of 1996

4. Get the Arizona Minutemen to stand guard; They won’t actually stop anyone from getting on elevator but will make a call to someone to report it

3. Not sure but nothing a few hundred-thousand-dollars in earmarks couldn’t figure out

2. Republican Leadership wants Ann Coulter to write new elevator rules, but who knows what elevator policy she’ll plagiarize

Many U.S. Senators, including Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) are miffed that tourist and other non-government persons are using the Senators-Only elevator and are considering harsh measures, such as the Patriot Act, or appropriating hundreds-of-thousands of dollars in earmarks to study the problem

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Acts Of Atonement For Mel Gibson

News Item: The Passion Of the Apology

10. Send him hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney

9. Lindsey Lohan could use a new press agent, or chaperone, no?

8. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on Gibson’s Atonement: “Oh, I don’t know. You know, I thought about that last night, and just musing over the words, the phrase, and what constitutes it. … It clearly is being stimulated by people who would like to have what could be characterized as Atonement and win it, but I’m not going to be the one to decide if, when or at all

7. Assign him to L.A. County Sheriffs Department, but he only responds to drunk driving calls

6. The ultimate movie and career penalty - Have him censored by Google and removed from their search results (just like they did in China, but this time, only for Gibson)

5. Walk around for six-months with breast implants, filled with liquid sucrose

4. When Mitt Romney reopens Boston’s Big Dig Tunnels, put Mel in the drivers seat for the first car through

3. Mad Max Thunderdome-version PSA on Drunk Driving - Gibson is sent down Pacific Coast Highway, sitting backwards on a donkey, with giant, Mardi Gras head - and skull cap

2. Take over as Campaign Manager for Katherine Harris

1. Sentence him to extremely harsh public service - 80-hours of talking with Ann Coulter

Is a Mad Max Thunderdome-version PSA on Drunk Driving in Mel Gibson’s future?

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal

Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone
Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA
Sources have told The Garlic that Major League Baseball is expected to announce this week that San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds has tested positive, with results showing “high levels” of Floyd Landis testosterone in his system.
This comes on the heels of today’s news that Landis’ second test has come up positive, showing evidence of synthetic, not naturally produced testosterone.
Landis, winner of this years’ Tour de France, said last week, defending himself against the charges after the first test showed over double the level of testosterone, that he runs “naturally high levels” and that the second test would absolve him.
Baseball, Congress, and Steroids
With the furor growing over steroid usage, Congress held hearings last year, following revelations by former baseball star Jose Canseco, in his book, “Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits and How Baseball Got Big”. In the book, Canseco offered that steroids were “as prevalent in the late 1980s and 1990s as a cup of coffee."
The House Government Reform Committee grilled former and current baseball stars, including Canseco, former Canseco teammate Mark McGwire, Baltimore Orioles stars Rafael Palmeiro, and Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. Chicago White Sox' Frank Thomas gave video testimony.
Bonds, it has been reported, began using steroids after the 1998, and watching McGwire and Sosa thrill baseballs fans with a heated homerun race, in which McGwire ended up shattering the long-held record of former New York Yankee Roger Maris, passing Maris at 61 and finishing the season with 70 homeruns.
In 2001, Bonds broke Mark McGwire’s single-season home-run record by clubbing 73.
Last year, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig established an independent investigation into steroid use in Major League Baseball, appointing former Senator George Mitchell to lead the case
The Mitchell Investigation, as reported by The Garlic, got off to a rocky start, when misfiled papers led to Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI) censuring Barry Bonds, and Major League Baseball, and the Mitchell, looking into President Bush’s illegal wiretapping.
Landis, Allegedly, Head of Ring Selling Own Testosterone
The positive test of Landis’ testosterone opens up a new front in the steroid investigation, as Landis had already been eyed, according to Antonio Ricci, publisher of “Pedaling Piss”, the quarterly magazine that tracks professional cycling, and all the steroid rumors, scandals and confirmations of illegal substance usage.
“There have been rumors,” said Ricci, “that Landis was the head of a ring that was selling his own testosterone. It was said to be very substantial, very lucrative.”
Ricci said that cycling officials looking into the Landis DNA Ring, as it was known inside the cycling universe, didn’t see any traces of it seeping out of cycling.
“They just, kind of, pushed it off to the side,” added Ricci.
Now, with Landis testing positive, and Bonds testing positive for Landis’ testosterone, it’s likely, said Ricci, that the cycling officials will team up with the Mitchell investigation team, to compare notes and see if it leads any further into baseball.
Bonds Said To Be Seeking DNA From Powerful Leaders
There was no comment from Bonds on the test results showing he had Landis’ testosterone.
Sources close to the San Francisco Giants report that Bonds was getting “desperate” and “taking chances”, obsessed with getting the all-time homerun record this year.
Bonds is chasing history, going after Hank Aaron’s record of 755. Bonds currently sits at 722.
There have been unconfirmed reports and rumors that Bonds has been canvassing around the country and world, for the DNA and testosterone of other powerful people, including actress Lindsey Lohan, Cuban Leader Fidel Castro, Google founders, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, and U.S. President George Bush
Supposedly, Bonds had an agreement with Academy-Award-winning actor and director Mel Gibson, but cancelled the deal for Gibson’s testosterone after discovering Gibson’s alcoholism, Anti-Semitism and penchant for run-ins with law enforcement
Baseball and Steroids On The Garlic

San Francisco Giant slugger Barry Bonds may soon start swinging the bat with his legs, after testing positive for Tour de France winner Floyd Landis’ testosterone in his system

Top Ten Cloves: Things President Bush Is Thinking About With The News Of Castro’s Illness

News Item: Ailing Castro Transfers Powers

10. Better call Procurement and order a bunch of picture frames ... When Castro dies, we’ll want to plaster his face all over the place, just like Zarqawi..

9. I wonder if he’s giving the brother that solid gold telephone, like they showed in that Godfather movie

8. Let’s get Alberto to have someone look into any connection to Castro and the Mel Gibson thing ... We might be able to swing the West Coast Cubans to our side

7. Condi ... Forget about the cease-fire stuff and come on over here and play me a little something with a Cuban tinge to it

6. Better get the Congress to ready another tax break... I feel a economic boost coming - and with a whole bunch of Cuban cigars coming this way ..

5. I wonder if Lieberman will put in papers to run Cuba?

4. . If it meant spreading freedom and democracy throughout Cuba, I’d give’em a belly kiss

3. Hmmm ,,, Maybe I should get the Joint Chiefs and Cabinet together ... While Castro is down, we might be able to spin this thing again and tie Cuba into Sept 11th and WMD’s

2. Let’s beef up the Absentee Ballot rules in our favor ... If I come out and push democracy for Cuba, we’re likely to lose hundreds-of-thousands of voters in Little Havana, ‘cause they’ll want to go home ...

1. Transferring power to his brother ... Hmmm ... Of course! ... That’s what we do for Jeb in ’08... I just transfer my power to him

Monday, July 31, 2006

This Just In! Cable News Looking Hard To Fill Void Of Cease-Fire

Israeli Pause, And No Bombs Falling, May Force Cable News To Go Dark

Look For Pump Up Of Mel Gibson Tirade To Carry Through Labor Day

Cable news executives are scrambling this morning for content and programming, after Israeli announced last night a pause in their relentless air attack of Hezbollah in Southern Lebanon for 48-Hours

This comes after world outcry, following an attack this weekend, in Qana, Lebanon, that saw 57 civilians killed, with most of them children

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is claiming to have agreements that will produce a cease-fire this week, even though Israel indicated that they will continue to attack Southern Lebanon if Hezbollah continues firing rockets into northern Israel.

“The only thing better than a cease-fire,” said one Cable News executive, who asked to remain anonymous, “is the promise or prediction of one, so we can probably milk a few days out of that ... Run the archival footage ... a full crew of talking heads ... We’ll just have to play it by the seat of our pants ...”

Fox News: “Not Enough of a Hook, Without The Bombs, To Go Wall-to-Wall”

Cable News, which has gone on with, virtually, 24-hour coverage since the escalation of violence between Israel and Hezbollah, is feeling the crunch. The possibility of a cease-fire may create a huge void for the outlets.

Roger Ailes, chief of Fox News said that Fox may go with ‘Best Of” shows, until the action picks up again.

“There’s not enough of a hook, without the bombs falling, to go wall-to-wall with coverage,” said Ailes.

“Take the tsunami last year,” added Ailes. ‘By itself, a one, maybe two-day story ... But throw in the ex-Presidents, and with one of them named Clinton, and it gets our base riled up.”

Ailes indicated that last weeks’ rant by Fox Anchor Sean Hannity, over the evacuation of Lebanon, and not using the idle buses, “gave us a minor bump” and, that if the cease-fire takes hold, he’ll likely run “Best of Bill O’Reilly ” and “Best of John Gibson

CNN: Some Screens Dark and Cooper Unplugged - Again

At CNN, sources tell The Garlic, that Anderson Cooper is considering staying in the Middle East and running his show, unscripted, just “off-the-cuff” talk, or do a walk around, “like he did in New Orleans”, and talk with regular people

Veteran newsman Wolf Blitzer, host of CNN’s “Situation Room” said he was optimistic.

“We cover the world on the Situation Room,” said a cautious Blitzer. “We may have to turn off a few of our big screens that are on the wall behind me, but we’ll have enough news to get through.”

MSNBC: Warned To Keep Rita Cosby Out Of Mid-East

For new head honcho, Dan Abrams, a cease-fire will place a huge dent in his establishing a programming schedule for MSNBC

“We’re hoping for something to happen,” said a beleaguered Abrams. “I mean, we’ve had no major, ripped-from-the-headlines legal cases ... The Duke Rape Case is kind of fizzling out and there’s nothing on horizon ... Summer’s almost over and no one’s gone missing that we can sink our teeth into ... No cruise ship mayhem to report ... It’s been tough. ...”

MSNBC, who has their warehouse of documentaries that they can fill the air with, said they have no plans to send anchor Rita Cosby over to the Middle East. One senior executive who spoke on background indicated that the network was “specifically warned not to send her”, that her voice may send Israelis scurrying to bomb shelters, fearing that another Hezbollah rocket attack is coming.

The Passion Of Mel Gibson, Or The DNA Of Floyd Landis May Carry The Day, At Least Until Summers’ End

All the cable executives concurred that the Friday arrest of actor Mel Gibson, and his anti-Semitic remarks to police at the time of his arrest, may “have legs”.

The Academy-Award-wining Gibson was pulled over for allegedly speeding by Los Angeles County Sheriffs and the subsequent blood alcohol test revealed a 0.12 reading. The state's legal limit is .08.

Gibson, according to the police report, let loose with a tirade of anti-Semitic comments during his arrest, which has set-off a firestorm of publicity over the arrest .

Michael Stickings’ The Reaction asks “Who Would Jesus Slur ” and over at The Moderate Voice, Joe Gandelman, while denouncing the anti-Semitism, points out other blog postings defending free speech and the Gibson’s “freedom of stupidity”

And if Gibson’s foot-in-mouth doesn’t have legs, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis might have to pedal his way into the cable news hurricane to save the day.

It was announced after his crowning ceremony that the cyclist Landis tested positive for illegal substances, an abnormally high test level for the steroid testosterone.

Landis claims he is innocent and that the unusually high level of testosterone is naturally produced in his body.

“This could turn into something, said Antonio Ricci, publisher of “Pedaling Piss”, the quarterly magazine that tracks professional cycling, and all the steroid rumors, scandals and confirmations of illegal substance usage. “It’s bigger over here, in Europe, than America, but if Landis starts naming names, you’ll see this thing explode.”

“If a cease-fire takes hold, than, what we could really use,” offered a news producer, “is for a famous white woman athlete, who is on record for spouting anti-Semitic remarks, and has been recently accused of taking steroids, to go missing, or feared murdered, while on a cruise ... Now that would carry us straight into the Fall Sweeps ...”

Rita Cosby won’t be Live & Direct from the Middle East anytime soon, as MSNBC has been “warned” to keep her out, that her voice may send Israelis scurrying to bomb shelters, fearing that another Hezbollah rocket attack is coming

Top Ten Cloves: How Joe Lieberman Handled New York Times Editorial Endorsing Ned Lamont

News Item: Editorial - A Senate Race in Connecticut

10. Huddled with Vice President Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Ken Mehlman and the RNC Machine, to see if they had any ideas on how to handle it

9. Exhausted, from riding around New York City all day, buying all the copies of the Sunday New York Times

8. Made a lunch date with Judy Miller, to get some dirt on Editor Bill Keller, or Publisher Arthur Sulzberger

7. Livid and filing lawsuit, believing that the line about “warped version of bipartisanship” was a derogatory jab at his kiss with President Bush

6. Let Fox News know his schedule is open for any and all interviews

5. Already had it covered, when, weeks ago, filed papers for a subscription to The Washington Post

4. Called Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) to see if he wanted to swap races

3. After checking on Senate Doping rules, had staff looking into getting some of Floyd Landis’ Testosterone so he could finish strong

2. Frustrated, after spending all Saturday evening waving a fistful of covert CIA Agents’ names that Bob Novak could expose in his column, just to deflect the news of the endorsement

1. Cheap campaign photo stunt of lining bird cage bottom with NYT Editorial page went haywire, as trained parrot went off-script and began jabbering while cameras rolling “We endorse Ned Lamont in the Democratic primary for Senate in Connecticut ... Squawk! ... We endorse Ned Lamont in the Democratic primary for Senate in Connecticut ... Squawk!”

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 30 July 2006

A new cable report from the U.S. Embassy in
Baghdad says that the situation continues to deteriorate, with even pets are being targeted by the insurgency

Sources tell The Garlic that Osama bin Laden and Al Qaeda have filed suit in International Court against Hezbollah, for Copyright Infringement on using videotape releases about their past or future terrorist attacks and are asking the court to issue an immediate Cease-and-Desist order, as well as seeking unspecified damages

Oliver Stone, whose new film, “World Trade Center”, opens this month, announced his next project will be on the life of former Enron Chairman Ken Lay, and, more specifically, the controversy and conspiracy theories surrounding Lay's recent death

Sources close to Stone say he's found something in a piece of footage from Lay's funeral, with the hearse, seemingly, going "back, and to the left"

The U.S. Border Patrol say that the finalists are down to two, in their competitive bid process to outsource border security

Tina Fey announced this past week that she is leaving her post as Head Writer for "Saturday Night Live", to take an acting role as a Head Writer in a new sit-com, "30 Rock" that will debut this Fall on NBC

Fey said the role "isn't much of a stretch" and that "There'll be no pressure to write good material - much like my last job"

A rub and a steam, and I'll be as good as new ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 23 - July 29 2006

Well, another week of spirited voting, and one that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice must have been paying attention to (she is, after all, back in the Middle East today; She must really want that neck rub) ...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll July 23 - July 29 2006

Since she doesn’t have a Cease-Fire or Peace Plan, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, in her trip this week to the Middle East, will ...

1. See if she can get one of the Israeli, Palestinian or Lebanese leaders to give her a neck rub 26%

2. Offer the Lebanese the use of the New Orleans Superdome to house their refugees 25%

3. To bring the Neocons back into the base, will take a poll on how many will back the President’s plans to invade Iran 25%

4. Continue what the President started at the G8 Summit and do some more dissing of U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan 24%

This week’s Poll - Many past Presidents had very proactive and comprehensive diplomacy programs, one giving birth to the term “Shuttle Diplomacy”. President George Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice’s diplomatic efforts will likely end up being labeled ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote