Saturday, October 22, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 22 October 2005

Life imitated Art this week, off the coast of England, as a hovercraft became beached because it was full of eels

'A Pound-A-Panda', Wal-Mart's new Asian retail operation opened this week and sales were said to be "very brisk".

"Krishna, The Movie", starring Robert Downey Jr., Carlista Flockhart and Martin Sheen, is due to open Thanksgiving Weekend, at airports across the nation

"Tired of heaving those heavy sacks of dirty clothes to the laundromat, searching for quarters and cleaning someone's else's lint? ... Well the answer is here, from Nisssan ... It's an automobile and a washing machine!"

"I told you not to pick the first row ... He's going to call on us all day long ..."

Often Bernard spent sleepless nights thinking of ways to impress Mandy, captain of the cheerleaders, until one day, it came to him like a vision ...

"Hey lady, you ever hear of Roy Horn? ... You know, Siegfried and Roy? ... Well, if you don't get this kid off me in about three-seconds, I'm having an early lunch ... If you know what I mean ...."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Friday 21 October 2005

Congress Passes Gun Shield Law; NRA Planning 'Fire Away' Marketing Campaign

Promo Aimed At Boosting Sales; Florida Seen As First Test For Ads Pushing 'Stand Your Ground'

The National Rifle Association achieved its long-time priority yesterday as Congress approved the Gun Liability Bill, by a vote of 263-144, paving the way for gun manufacturers to be shielded from lawsuits.

"As of Oct. 20, the Second Amendment is probably in the best shape in this country that it's been in decades," beamed Wayne LaPierre, the NRA's chief executive.

A similar bill passed the Senate in July and President Bush is expected to eagerly sign it into law.

The bill is designed to end a bevy of lawsuits by individuals and city and state governments looking to hold the gun manufacturers and dealers liable for negligence when their guns are used in the commission of crimes.

There are exceptions that will be allowed in certain cases, such as criminal behavior on the part of the gun makers and dealers, and knowingly selling a gun to a person who has failed a criminal background check.

LaPierre says that the NRA will celebrate, once the President signs the bill, by launching a national marketing campaign, titled "Fire Away". The ads, in print, television and direct mail will be partially subsidized by the gun manufacturers.

"This will be an extensive marketing effort," said LaPierre. "We've been alittle … gunshy, if you will, to roll this out without this key legislation."

LaPierre said that there will be special deals for multiple weapons purchased, discounts for NRA members and that the marketing campaign will be launched first, in Florida.

"We're going to be emptying the warehouses … Guns and Gear and everything in-between."

Earlier this year, the Florida legislature, championed by Governor Jeb Bush, passed the 'Stand Your Ground' law, which allows Florida citizens to shoot an attacker or if felt threatened, provided they are a registered and licensed gun owner. The law also gives immunity from criminal or civil charges to a shooter as long as the person shot is not a police officer.

"I believe Floridians will welcome these ads," said LaPierre. "We expect to increase our NRA membership significantly in Florida now that we have these two laws."

LaPierre offered that as part of the "Fire Away" campaign, the NRA will sponsor classes in Florida, to "better educate" Floridians and to teach them "when to shoot".

"In today's world," offered LaPierre, "you can't take any threat too lightly."

Critics of the Florida law deride it as the "Shoot First" law and have taken to greeting tourists entering Florida with leaflets warning of potentially dire circumstances.

Sponsored by the Brady Campaign To Prevent Gun Violence, arrivals at airports are given the leaflets, with red, bold type, which read, in part;

"Do not argue unnecessarily with local people. If someone appears to be angry with you, maintain to the best of your ability a positive attitude, and do not shout or make threatening gestures."

Governor Bush dismissed the Brady Campaign as "pure, unadulterated politics". He refutes charges that the NRA helped fund the push to make 'Stand Your Ground' alw by pointing to a 34-year low in state crime statistics to demonstrate that Florida is not a haven for violence.

LaPierre stated that the 'Fire Away' marketing campaign may include embracing legislative agenda fights in other states, to have a comparable 'Stand Your Ground' law passed in "some key areas for us".

"One way to look at this," said LaPierre, "is that, now, the NRA, and the gun manufacturers, can openly, unabashedly and enthusiastically assist American citizens in arming and protecting themselves."

" With the threat of lawsuits gone, it's the more guns, the merrier."

The Brady Campaign wants to see scence like this avoided in Florida, where citizens are threatened with violent weapons.

Top Ten Cloves: How David Stern Will Enforce New NBA Dress Code

10. Those Western String Ties are not considered acceptable wardrobe

9. Players with entourages, dress code extends to them as well

8. Men's Wearhouseto be Official NBA Sponsor so no excuses players can't get proper clothing

7. Players with Video Game endorsements, your video character has to be dressed correctly also

6. No "Tear-Away" suits allowed

5. Some "thug" or "gangsta" attire will be allowed, but only when players go into stands to beat up fans

4. Players' "whores" and "mistresses" must dress "ladylike" when attending games; Private Home or Hotel attire is optional

3. For those players taking steroids, pills and/or liquid vials must be color-coordinated to your game-day attire

2. Extras from the "Sopranos" will be in each arena as "fashion consultants", to make sure players arrive properly dressed

1. Any players that need help, NBA has video of how Kobe Bryant dressed when he went to court on his rape charges

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Thursday 20 October 2005

Breaking News!

Senate Panel Digs Deeper Into Miers Questionnaire; "Look's Like President's Handwriting".

Inadequate and Incomplete Answers Spark Investigation; Experts Brought In To Compare Penmanship of Miers, Bush

Shortly after rejecting her judicial questionnaire, the Senate Judiciary Committee called for a special investigation, as a number of Harriet Miers responses appear to be in the handwriting of President Bush.

Senators Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, the committee chairman, and Patrick J. Leahy of Vermont, the senior Democrat, sent Ms. Miers a letter yesterday, citing a number of answers provided by Ms. Miers as "inadequate," "insufficient" and "insulting."

They called into question what they said were incomplete responses about her legal career, her work in the White House, her potential conflicts on cases involving the administration and the suspension of her license by the District of Columbia Bar.

Upon further review, it became apparent to some of the committee members that the handwriting was different on some of the questions and that it looked familiar. Soon the members were openly saying that it appeared to be the penmanship of President Bush.

The President, who has come under harsh fire and charges of cronyism for selecting Miers as his Supreme Court nominee, has repeatedly stated that Ms. Miers "has the same judicial philosophy" as me and that he "knows her heart" as an attempt to quell the growing dissent - mostly from his own Republican Party and conservative base - against Miers.

Miers, in accepting the nomination, had been serving the President as White House Council. Previously, she had been personal attorney to Bush, and has been closely associated and/or working with him since his days as Governor of Texas.

"At first look," said Committee Chairman Specter, "some of her answers looked like they were taken from Cliff Notes."

Sources close to the Senate tell The Garlic, that as more members of the judiciary committee began reviewing Ms. Miers questionnaire, concern grew, over the answers and, then the apparent difference in the handwriting.

Miers is reported to have once gushed that President Bush "was the most brilliant man she had ever met."

"Between that," said Senator Leahy, "and that the President keeps saying he knows her so well, we have to look at if he helped her with the questionnaire."

Some members of the committee are calling for the investigation to look at the handwriting of Karl Rove, Special Council to the President and, presently, widely speculated to be indicted in the CIA Agent Leak Case.

Rove has come under fire with the Miers nomination for reportedly guaranteeing conservatives, including Focus On Family President James Dobson, the Miers was a solid conservative and could be counted on to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Spector and Leahy both indicated that, if the investigation turns up that the President did provide some of the answers on the questionnaire, while not a criminal act, is a breach of ethics and that the committee would likely disqualify Miers.

"She's going to have to explain the difference in the handwriting." said Specter.

Specter and Leahy would not confirm or deny if the committee has requested handwriting samples from Rove and, surprising, the First Lady, Laura Bush.

The First Lady has emphatically endorsed Miers, and her nomination to the Supreme Court.

The White House sidestepped questions about the Miers questionnaire and if the President assisted Miers and wrote in some of the answers.

"I can assure you," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, "that the President doesn't use Cliff Notes."

"I don't even carry a pen," shouted President Bush, as reporters pressed him this morning on the reports that he may have written some of Harriet Miers answers to the Senate Judiciary Committee's questionnaire.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On Donald Rumsfeld's Visit In China

10. You know, if we give him the Bird Flu, we can destabilize their government and take over

9. I thought he would be taller

8. I think they sent him over here to avoid him being indicted in their CIA Scandal

7. Before he leaves, we need to schedule the visit from Karen Hughes, we're running low on Tupperware

6. Rumor has it that he and his aides are torturing the hotel staff

5. He thinks America is so high and mighty … How can he say that when they jail their reporters too …

4. Careful what you say to him … We don't want him to have American Military invade and occupy us …

3. He keeps asking, when are we going to take him to Disneyland Hong Kong

2. Ask him for their plans on how to flood cities so we can get rid of our poor too

1. See if he knows who we can call to get a Chinese version of "The Simpson's"

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tuesday 18 October 2005

Breaking News!

Miller To Leave 'Times' With Movie Deal In Hand

Signs On To Star In Memento Sequel; Not Sure If She Will Continue Freelancing For Bush Admn.

Miramax announced this morning that they have signed now former New York Times reporter Judith Miller, who will star in an upcoming sequel to the 2000 hit film, 'Memento'.

Miller, who was jailed for 85-days in the CIA Agent Leak Case, gave her notice of resignation to 'Times' editor William Keller.

Keller, who along with New York Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger Jr., publicly defended Miller during her recent jailing over the refusal to divulge confidential sources in the CIA Agent Leak Case, said he was "disturbed" by the news of Miller's sudden resignation.

"I haven't spoken directly to Judy yet," said Keller, who is meeting with 'Times' correspondents in Asia, "but if this is not a hoax, then I would have to say there may have been some other things Judy didn't tell us about."

Miller, who has been under increasing fire by other journalists as being a "shill" for the Bush Administration, in its' run-up to the invasion and occupation of Iraq, recently said in a personal account published in last Sunday's 'New York Times', that she couldn't "recall" who gave her the name of CIA Agent Valerie Plame.

"Mr. Fitzgerald asked me about another entry in my notebook, where I had written the words "Valerie Flame," clearly a reference to Ms. Plame. Mr. Fitzgerald wanted to know whether the entry was based on my conversations with Mr. Libby. I said I didn't think so. I said I believed the information came from another source, whom I could not recall."

Libby was part of a group called "The White House Iraq Group", whose members included Karl Rove, Andrew Card, Condoleezza Rice, James R. Wilkinson, Stephen Hadley, Karen Hughes and Mary Matalin.

WHIG, as the group became known had the mission to "market the war in Iraq" with hyped threats of nuclear mushroom clouds and that Saddam Hussian was seeking to purchase materials to make nuclear weapons.

Miller's front-page reporting, often quoting government sources were later debunked and the 'Times' was forced to correct and clarify five-of-six articles Miller wrote about the alleged Weapons of Mass Destruction that the Bush Administration used as a preamble to war.

Harvey Weinstein, chief of Miramax, said in a statement that he was "elated" to sign Miller for "Memento II", which is the tentative working title.

Miramax purchased the rights to 'Memento', which was produced and released in 2000 by Columbia-Tri Star, now owned by Sony Pictures. The film starred Guy Pearce as a insurance investigator who suffered a head injury during the murder of his wife. He goes through the film, searching for the killers and, to compensate for his lack-of-memory, he tattoos notes on himself and takes Polaroid's to help him remember clues.

"We knew,' said Weinstein, "that this leak case was going to be the biggest political scandal since Watergate and to have one of the key figures of it for the film is just tremendous."

In the sequel, Miller will play an investigative reporter who wakes up in a motel room with no memory. Littered around the room are reporter notebooks and Miller spends the film going through the notebooks - which contain clues in her own handwriting as well as others - to reclaim her memory.

In the shadows, following Miller, is an enigmatic character, wearing a cowboy hat, boots and sunglasses. There is a clue in a notebook about him but she can't remember who gave her the clue.

Miller's departure from the 'Times' comes, perhaps, days before Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald issues either indictments, a report on his two-year investigation or, extends the grand jury, which is due to expire on October 28th.

While Fitzgerald has not leaked any information, or made any statements on the investigation, speculation is running like wildfire that White House Special Council Karl Rove and Lewis "Scooter" Libby, chief of staff for Vice President Cheney, will be indicted.

It has come out in testimony to the grand jury, as told by lawyers who appeared before it, that Rove was the source for Matthew Copper of "Time' Magazine and one of two sources for columnist Robert Novak, who's writing identifying Valerie Plame launched the complaint that started the investigation.

Then-Attorney General John Ashcroft was looking into the leak but was forced to recuse himself under conflict-of-interest ethics by Justice Department staff members. That lead to the appointment of a special prosecutor, who turned out to be Patrick Fitzgerald.

Both Rove and Libby initially denied any involvement in the leak case and Rove, subsequently, has appeared before Fitzgerald and the grand jury four-times.

A spokesperson for Ms. Miller refused comment on the news of resigning and the film role and would neither confirm or deny if Miller will continue to write articles favortable to the Bush Administration as a freelance journalist.

Weinstein offered that shooting for the film will begin next month and, hopefully "timed to be released when the trials start."

"I hope Judith gets called to testify," admitted Weinstein, "Or even, gets indicted herself. You can't buy publicity like that."

When reached for comment, White House Chief of Staff Andy Card refused comment on the case and said only that he hopes "they don't release the film in August".

Former New York Times reporter Judith Miller makes her way through the gathered media, on her way to the set of 'Memento II', which she recently signed to star in.

Top Ten Cloves: What Karl Rove May Do If He Is Indicted

10. Inquiry if he can use some of the Hurricane Relief funds for his defense

9. Will make a deal with Fitzgerald and give him damaging info on Frist, DeLay and Libby

8. Hide out in Vice President Cheney's Secret Bunker

7. Start a smear campaign that all the members of the Grand Jury are gay

6. Get a job on Fox News and lambaste the Prosecutor as partisan and a cheap shot artist

5. Buy a new suit for the Medal of Freedom Award ceremony that President Bush will give him

4. Plant a bug in his own West Wing office and charge that Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald was illegally taping him

3. Hire Michael Jackson's attorney; If he got Jacko off, he certainly can get these charges cleared

2. Pursue his longtime secret dream to become a cabaret singer

1. Start working on jury pool; Go on Dr. Phil, crying that he can't help himself from leaking classified information and needs help

Monday, October 17, 2005

Monday 17 October 2005

Iraqis Pause Vote Count To Celebrate Chisox Pennant

Many Remember '59 Disappointment; Believe This Is The Year; Will Bring Team To Baghdad With Series Win

There are many important things facing the Iraqi people. Forming a new government, and the historic vote count on a new Iraq Constitution are, perhaps, at the top of the list.

However, there are, in fact, really important things to take into account.

Last night, all business fell to the wayside as hundreds-of-thousands of Iraqis poured out into the streets across the country to celebrate the Chicago White Sox victory over the Los Angeles Angels, of Anaheim and Orange County, California, United States of America that gave them the American League pennant for the first time since 1959.

The historic vote on the new Iraqi Constitution was temporarily suspended, as election officials joined the revelry taking place on the streets.

"This is truly remarkable," gushed Iraqi President Jalal Talabani. "I was only a young boy but I was so crushed when they lost the World Series in 1959. When they went back to Comisky Park, for Game Six, I really thought they would do it."

The Los Angeles Dodgers, behind pitchers Don Drysdale and Johnny Podres, and the hitting of Duke Snider, beat Chicago, 4-games-to-2.

The longer streak is that the White Sox have not won the World Series since 1917.

Talabani said that if the Chicago White Sox win the World Series this year, he'll "bring the team to Baghdad" for a special ceremony.

"We've seen this done by many American Presidents," said Talabani. 'It must be an important feature of democracy, to celebrate with championship teams and we want to be as democratic as we can be."

Neither team owner Jerry Reinsdorf, or White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen, who saw four of his pitchers throw complete games, the first time that has happened since the 1956 Yankees, had any immediate comment on the Iraqi support of the Chicago team.

A spokesperson for the team said that "there are some sections of Chicago I wouldn't want to go in to" and that the team would wait and see and consider the offer after the World Series.

While the Bush Administration is eager to see the final vote count on the constitution, which is being reported as being overwhelmingly accepted and approved by the Iraqi voters, they were also pleased to see the impromptu celebration for the White Sox.

"The President believes," offered White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, 'that this is a significant step and endorsement of the new democracy. The President sent a message to President Talabani, congratulating him and, even suggested that the new Iraqi government considered making baseball Iraqi's national pastime."

When reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield was also pleased to see the Iraqis celebrating baseball.

'Goodness, who doesn't love baseball," said Rumsfield. "I mean, heavens, it has so much to offer a young democracy. The strategy, the determination … Working throught tough situations … And who's in the Iraqi's bullpen? Who's going to come in and get the save, or get the win? Only the best team in the world - the fighting forces of the U.S. Military …Is that hype? Is that overstating the case? … I don't think so … Not in my ballpark, anyway."

Rumsfield deferred questions as to if the Iraqi's had the proper equipment to play baseball and if the United States Army would compensate them if the purchased the needed equipment on their own.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair said that "it was a good sign" the Iraqi's were embracing American baseball.

"We'll have to work on introducing them to English soccer and cricket."

Senator Rick Santorum weighed in on the Iraqi celebration and White Sox victory.

Santorum, earlier this year, blamed the Boston Red Sox and Boston's liberalism for the Catholic priest scandal of abusing children and his office said that "the Senator is happy to see democracy taking hold in Iraq."

"As to the Chicago White Sox," said Santorum, "We'll just have to look into them to see if they helped cause the abuse as well."

Two Iraqi woman cry for joy after hearing the news that the Chicago White Sox beat the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Orange County, California, United States of America to win the American League Championship and enter the World Series for the first time since 1959.

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Iraqi's Are Doing To Prepare Country For Democracy and Having A Constitution

10. Have the guy hanging lanterns in the mosque to remember, One if by Smart Bomb and Two if by Nukes

9. Call the Zambelli's and check for any free dates in January that they can do the fireworks thing

8. Making new flag, with 3 stars on it (and be sure to have the Sunni's star at the bottom)

7. Find out how long it will take McDonald's, Wal-Mart, and JiffyLube to set up and establish franchises

6. Running contest for citizen with best, fourishing penmanship so one distinctive signature will stand out on signed Constitution

5. Scheduling the Assembly members for their knickers and white powdered wig fittings

4. Be sure to tell the guy flying the kite that electricity has already been discovered and to try to come up with something else

3. Amending rules so new President can own slaves

2. Remember to pack High Court with friends and allies, in case there are any future election controversies

1. Changing name of Fallujah to Philadelphiadad and hunting down on eBay, a giant cracked bell to place in it

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 16 October 2005

As Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald's investigation into the CIA Agent Leak case nears its end, senior members of the Bush Cabinet, in an effort to keep any new charges from arising, have taken to using carrier birds to transmit sensitive information.

Clearly annoyed that conservatives, and members of his own Republican Party, have taken to openly and harshly criticize the choice of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court, President Bush threatened to "give a good backhand to next pencil-necked hack writer or bible-thumping Jesus freak" who says anything negative about Miers or himself.

U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Zalmay Khalilzad, talked and negotiated deep into the night, and had successful results ...

in getting a rule change that allowed Muslim pets to vote in the referendum on the new Iraqi Constitution

Mayor Bloomberg and the New York City Police Department have come under criticism, for, alledgedly, during last weeks' high terror alert, having police officers conduct racial profiling, holding up trains and harassing Arab-looking passengers, badgering them to "show us the bombs"

hours after announcing its' new, Video iPod, Apple Computer held a second press conference to say that Treasury Secretary John Snow has been signed to endorse the iPod line.

Apple offered that Snow likes to listen to the Beastie Boys to warm up for hearings.