Friday, June 09, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Tom Delay’s Last Day In Congress

News Item: DeLay Pulls No Punches In Final Speech to House

10. Got to have lunch with Vice President Dick Cheney – In the Secret Bunker

9. As a parting shot, had wall built down middle of House aisle and got resolution passed the Democrats would need tamper-proof ID to speak on the floor

8. President Bush offered, at first opportunity, to issue a Signing Statement, absolving him of having to follow any laws

7. Now that he’s retired, he’s joining the generals and called for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield to resign

6. Paraphrased Ann Coulter and called Nancy Pelosi a “Harpie”

5. Day started with parade down K Street – Instead of confetti, shredded money showered the route

4. Lovely retirement gift from Republican Leaders – New refrigerator with freezer capable of holding millions

3. Got nervous yesterday morning, as President Bush started to say “Through his every action, he sought to defeat America ...”, that he was talking about his work as House Leader, and not the killing of Zarqawi

2. Announced he’s establishing the Jack Abramoff Golf Classic, in Scotland, and he expects House Republicans to sign up

1. For new career, wants to be known as “Hammer Uncle

Moving forward, in his new career, Tom Delay wants to be known as “Hammer Uncle”

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Some Of The American Values President Bush Wants Immigrants To Adopt

News Item: Bush: Immigrants must adopt U.S. values

10. Remember, when eating out, it’s “Freedom Fries

9. It may be on your Guest Worker Pass Test, if asked, always say that "President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq"

8. Call for a constitutional amendment on a hot issue, knowing it won’t pass, just to pander to your friends and supporters

7. Good idea to work hard and aspire to getting your own Secret Bunker

6. Be a Decider!

5. If you don’t like something their spouse says or writes, expose them as a covert CIA Agent

4. When you purchase something, put the item in your car, take the receipt back into the store, pick the same item and return it for a refund

3. As often as you can, use Signing Statements to avoid fulfilling your obligations to the Constitution

2. Indecently, and pornographically, insult the widows of Sept. 11th victims

1. If you want to a real, true American, remember to ignore the press and always stand on principle – even if you get indicted

President Bush personally instructs two U.S. Border agents on the questions to ask immigrants crossing the border on what American Values they plan on adopting

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Iraqi Detainee Release

News Item: Iraq's Premier Planning To Free 2,500 Detainees

10. You think they could have done this last week, so we could catch Katie Couric’s last “Today” show

9. I heard they’re paying good wages, to go to America and build that border wall

8. Quick, look around and find the BBC reporters – We get them to interview us, they screw up and we become millionaires

7. Mr. Premier, all the released detainees signed the statements, that if interviewed, will throw in that "President Bush has a clear strategy for victory in Iraq "

6. No, no, forget about working ... We become politicians – They fill your freezer with great amounts of cash!

5. That ... That thing ... Ann Coulter releases a book on 6-6-6 and they want to say Islam is evil?

4. I don’t know ... This could be a trap – They might have U.S. Marines waiting for us

3. Not sure where I’m going when I get out ... I was going to go to Canada...

2. You don’t want to see the morning papers, Mr. Premier – The Lincoln Group planted stories, giving all the credit to Rumsfield and Bush

1. Look, it’s Oprah Winfrey – I thought she was only crashing weddings ...

The Lincoln Group, the PR firm hired by the Pentagon to plant stories in the Iraqi media, gave credit for the Iraqi Detainee Release to President Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things To Watch Out For With Today Being 6-6-6

News Item: Date With the Devil

10. A young couple, wife named “Rosemary”, and pregnant, moves into your building

9. Being a voter in Ohio

8. Using your life savings to buy stock in Microsoft’s Excel

7. Getting traded to the Colorado Rockies – and you’re an Atheist

6. The Dixie Chicks announcing that they are embarrassed by you

5. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales coming after you for your notes and sources – and your not even a journalist

4. If you’re gay, getting married

3. Being interrogated by the Army

2. Having to interview Ann Coulter (actually, this applies to any date)

1. Investigating President Bush’s abuse of Signing Statements – Knowing he can just issue another Signing Statement making you irrelevant

With today being 6-6-6, you just might have Attorney General Alberto Gonzales coming after you for your notes and sources – and your not even a journalist

Monday, June 05, 2006

Clinton: “We shouldn’t shy away”; Elder Bush Says Gays “Give a little more”

Ex-Presidents Offer To Stump For Gay Marriage Ban, Border Wall, Hoffa Dig

Telethon and Benefits Concerts Part Of 3-For-1 Package; Cites Need To Act Before New Hurricanes. Marriages Hit

The Garlic has learned today the former Presidents George W. Bush and Bill Clinton have offered a proposal to the Bush Administration, for their services in raising funds for the battle to ban Gay Marriage, build a wall along the Mexican border, and for future searches and digs for former Teamster Chief Jimmy Hoffa.

Eager to get back on the road, and pointing to their success with the Tsunami Relief and Hurricane Katrina programs, which generated millions of dollars, the Ex-President’s proposal is said to offer a “very substantial return”.

“I think we could help, get something done in these areas,” said President Clinton.

Included in the proposed fund raising package would be a series of benefits concerts with artists such as Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, the Dixie Chicks, the Neville Brothers and Kayne West.

Extra media publicity is said to be guaranteed for the FBI, with having West spout off on the tour that “Jimmy Hoffa didn’t like black or gay people”. And any such statements from the rap singer will be met with comments from Mary Cheney, lesbian daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, that West is a “total slimeball”, garnering more PR for the tour and fundraising.

“Gosh, I really hate to see people of the same sex getting married, or have a wall go up, but there’s just so many of them , we have to do something,” added the former President Bush.

White House Considering; One Sources Says “These guys are bored”

There was “no comment” from the White House. Sources there tell The Garlic that the proposal is being given “consideration” but that no one in the White House is “taking it seriously”.

“You have,” said one, high-level administration official,” these two guys who are bored ... There hasn’t been any calamities and no one has been calling for them. Let them take their ‘Abbott and Costello’ routine somewhere else.”

“I think it’s important for the FBI to find Mr. Hoffa,” said Clinton. “If we can help by raising some money, so they can get better equipment, or follow more leads, that’s a good thing. We shouldn’t shy away from that.”

The two-ex-Presidents both cited the need to act quickly on the proposal, before any new marriages take place, or that hurricanes make landfall, as the new storm season just started this month.

“We can only be in one place at a time,” offered the elder President Bush. “And people have only so much they can give – though the gay people seem to be able to give a little bit more”

Walls For Humanity? Carter Says “Three, maybe four-days” To Build Border Wall

There are unconfirmed rumors that the two ex-Presidents may be joined by a third, if the Bush Administration takes up the proposal.

Former President Jimmy Carter is said to be ready to join the team. Carter will launch a new volunteer program – Walls For Humanity – to assist the Mexican Wall Project.

A spokesperson for President Carter would not confirm or deny the rumor, but did add that “with the right number of volunteers, and the supplies, of course, we could build such a wall in three, maybe four days.”

President Bush is planning on asking Vice President Dick Cheney to declare that traditional marriages are “in their final throes” unless Congress passes the Constitutional Amendment banning Gay Marriage

Top Ten Cloves: What President Bush Will Do To Help Congress Pass The Gay Marriage Ban

News Item: Senate to Tackle Gay Marriage Ban

10. Whether it passes, or not, we blame Iran so we can start the invasion

9. Strong-arm Canada to say that 17 Terror suspects arrested over weekend were ready to enter U.S. to promote Gay Marriage

8. Have Vice President Dick Cheney warn that traditional marriage is “in it’s final throes” unless Congress passes amendment

7. Give Mary Cheney and immediate post as Ambassador to Tobago and ship her out right away – before the debate starts

6. See if he can get Tony Perkins or James Dobson to put together a few “Gay Marriage Sundays” rallies

5. To help Republican candidates, will start smear campaign that Al Gore’s new film is really about Gay Marriage

4. Will Have Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez add Gay Marriage to the Patriot Act

3. Suggest adding gay couples getting married to his Immigration Bill, so they’ll have to leave country and reapply to enter

2. Promise to fill all Senate and Congress members’ freezers with $90,000 if they pass Gay Marriage Ban

1. Doesn’t matter what Congress does - He’ll simply add Signing Statement to next bill that passes, banning Gay Marriage

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 4 June 2006

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) took the stage recently, to answer the New York Times and other media about the status of her marriage, with a simple, but telling, gesture

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff continued his defense of the 40% cut in anti-terrorism funding to New York City, citing an Inspector General's report showing how city officials wasted money, using the U.S. Navy to film promotional videos

Damaris Ibanez was recently crowned "Miss Bad Hair Day" for 2006, beating out over 40 other contestants

The Dixie Chicks were back in the news this week, after Natalie Maines told reporters that "they were embarrassed that they appeared on The Larry King Show"

Iran's Supreme Ayatollah Ali Khamenei
was a surprise judge on the program "Iranian Idol" this week and got to announce the winner of the competition, after giving a 4-hour tirade on the "Lure of the vices of the West"

"Yeah, pretty cool, huh? ... I got the NSA to hook me up so I could eavesdrop on your husband..."

Poll Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 28 - June 3 2006 ... New Poll

Here’s the results from The Garlic's Weekly Poll May 28 - June 3 2006, asking “The Attorney General and FBI Director also considered, after quitting, to ...”

1. Finally sit in on one of those poker games, with strippers, at the Watergate 32%

2. Launch their own law enforcement agency and hope to get a No-Bid contract from the White House 25%

3. Put the Jefferson evidence up on eBay 23%

4. Start practicing to be a song-and-dance team for next years’ American Idol 20%

This week’s Poll - The Marine’s cover-up of the massacre in Haditha is because of ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote