Friday, February 16, 2007

Apple Settles With Cisco!; Rolling Dice With New iBeckham Phone

Jobs Promises Aging Soccer Star Can Store "Billions of Photos" of Himself; New "Posh" Command Added

Sources have told The Garlic that Apple, Inc has settled its' iPhone dispute with Cisco Systems and CEO Steve Jobs will immediately announce the introduction of a new device, the iBeckham.

The "Beckham" in the name is that of soccer superstar David Beckham, who gained fame with Manchester United and Real Madrid, and recently signed to play with the Los Angeles Galaxy of the Major League Soccer here in the United States.

The two companies have been in deep negotiations, after Cisco sued Apple for copyright infringement on the name "iPhone". Cisco had acquired the rights to "iPhone" back in 2000, after purchasing the company InfoGear, who had acquired the copyright in 1996.

Jobs then angered Cisco last month, when announcing at MacWorld, the debut of Apple's "iPhone".

"The iPod changed everything in 2001. We're going to do it again with the iPhone in 2007, said Jobs"

Same Phone, New "Posh"

The iBeckham phone is, essentially, the same device as the iPhone Jobs displayed last month, with an OS X operating system, multi-touch keypad, camera and wireless-ready.

Sources say that Jobs is touting the iBeckham can store billions of photos of the aging soccer superstar, including still shots and video.

"You can TIVO a game he's in, and then download to the iBeckham and watch it as you will," said another source, who has had the iBeckham for nearly a week.

And there is one new feature, the "Posh" button.

Jobs added the Posh button in honor of the soccer stars' wife, Victoria, the former Posh Spice of the Spice Girls.

The Posh button will allow the iBeckham user to, with one touch, download all of the Spice Girls music from iTunes.

More Legal Troubles Ahead?

However, more legal trouble could lay ahead for Jobs and Apple, according to Daria Pannesi, editor of 'In The Loot', the newsletter for high tech dollar traders.

"As best as we can tell, says Pannesi, "Jobs doesn't have a deal with Beckham. There's no agreement, no contract."

"He [Jobs] may," added Pannesi, "have to backtrack and throw another name on it - again, if he wants to get the market behind him. They can't afford to be tied up in litigation any longer or the market passes them by."

iBeckham To Be A Franchise For Apple

Sources say that Jobs is aware of the legalities, and has laid out an aggressive plan that will make the iBeckham a major franchise for Apple, and win over the real life Beckham.

Apple, according to the Jobs' plan, will fund a new movie sequel, 'Bend It Like The iBeckham; The Curse of the Black Pearls In Dead Man's Chest At World's End', which will pick up from both the original Beckham film and serve as the 4th installment of Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

The storyline picks up from the original ''Bend It Like Beckham' has the decedents of Kiera Knightly and Johnny Depp attending the same U.S. college as Jess, played by Parminder Nagra, who aids the pair with finding a key piece of lost treasure that will save the world, using only her new iBeckham phone. Knightly will play duel roles, as Elizabeth Swann and Jules Paxton, with a special appearance by Martin Sheen, as Bobby Kennedy.

Those plans are already in motion, while Jobs lays the groundwork for a second-generation release iBeckham, tentatively named iBobby and shoot a sequel of the 2006 film 'Bobby', in which the iBobby phone will play a key role in solving a conspiracy.

"It's the ultimate product placement," Jobs is heard to have said.

The iBeckham will get screen credit and Apple will support a campaign for Best Supporting Actor for the iBeckham when the time comes.

"We want to make history with it," Jobs gushed.

'Bend It Like The iBeckham; The Curse of the Black Pearls In Dead Man's Chest At World's End' will be available, according to Jobs, "within in days" for downloading to the iBeckham, after the theatre release.

And like all Apple products now released, the iBeckham will be equipped with the iSqueal, the feature a user can employ to immediately report to Apple any disparaging remarks aimed at the company.

Will Jobs score a goal with the new iBeckham?

Top Ten Cloves: Things Tim Hardaway Will Do This Weekend Instead of Going To NBA All-Star Game

News Item: Hardaway Banished for Anti-Gay Remarks

10. Start lobbying his Congressman to get a non-binding resolution passed, that Congress doesn't approve of gay people in basketball

9. Pull out his boxed set of John Wayne films and, vicariously, bond with the screen icon

8. Get annoyed, when he has to defend and explain to reporters that that "UTEP Two-Step" was a basketball move

7. Badger his agent to get him an audtion to be in the Miller Beer Man Law commericals

6. Work the phone like crazy, to put together a group of investors, buy an NBA team, make sure all the players are straight and change team name to "The Homophobics"

5. Eat, very carefully, Snickers Bars

4. Start pouring through the Yellow Pages for a good Rehab clinic

3. The locker room ... The showers ... Deal with panic attacks, over the thought of how many ex-teammates might have been gay

2. Call up Vice President Dick Cheney and ask if it's okay to tell the media "you're out of line with that question" if the start bugging him

1. Get Reverend Ralph to publically say that Tim Hardaway is "Completely Heterosexual"

Will Tim Hardaway seek a "Man Law" to ban the consumption of Snickers Bars?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

MSNBC Readying 24-Hour Anna Nicole Smith Channel

Cosby To Be Sole Anchor; New Packaged "Anna-Blocs" To Debut On Flagship Channel

Saying it is not simply a February Sweeps Month promotion, MSNBC President Dan Abrams hinted an announcement will be coming soon, on a new 24-Hour Anna Nicole Smith Channel that will debut as part of an expanded MSNBC network.

"This story not only has legs," said an earnest Abrams, "but it growing new legs ... It's almost endless on how long we can run with this."

With the flagship MSNBC channel devoting more-and-more air time to nearly every squeak of news that is coming out of the Ms. Smith's post-death legal hearings, and often leading into longer pieces detailing the former Playboy centerfold's life, Abrams believes the venture is both "needed, and can be profitable."

The website Think Progress noted on the day after Smith's death, MSNBC was the leader as to its' coverage

"NBC’s Nightly News devoted 14 seconds to Iraq compared to 3 minutes and 13 seconds to Anna Nicole. CNN referenced Anna Nicole 522% more frequently than it did Iraq. MSNBC was even worse — 708% more references to Anna Nicole than Iraq."

To that end, this morning, as President Bush gave a speech on the Afghanistan War at the American Enterprise Institute, that had both MSNBC rivals CNN and Fox News carrying the speech live, in it's entirety, while MSNBC broadcast a hearing in Florida over the disposition of releasing Ms. Smith's body for burial.

"This is a story that will write itself, continued Abrams. "There are hundreds of thousands of people out there that came in contact with Anna Nicole Smith and they all have stories to tell. We won't have any problem getting advertisers to support this channel."

"Given the mysterious nature of Smith's death; the "take a number" controversy surrounding who sired her baby daughter; and the bonanza of Benjamins in the balance, cable couldn't have concocted a better story," wrote Gail Shister of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Abrams defended the launching of the channel devoted only to Anna Nicole Smith.

"It's not just tabloid news we have here," sniped Abrams. "There's a pending Supreme Court decision and we also have substantial legal issues with her burial and the still-unresolved paternity issue. I think we've only seen the tip-of-the-iceberg as to potential fathers and that will only mean more court time."

The latest to step forward claiming to be father of Smith's daughter, Dannielynn is the noted, world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.

Abrams indicated that he is considering making MSNBC Special Units reporter Rita Cosby the sole anchor of the new Anna Nicole Smith channel and that reports and in-studio interviews will be packaged for a new series of "Anna-Blocs", to compliment the on-going MSNBC series of Doc-Block programming on law and justice.

Abrams would neither confirm or deny rumors that he was courting CNN's Anderson Cooper to fill the void of MSNBC's Special Units reporting if Cosby is tapped to anchor the Anna Nicole Smith channel.

"I kinda wish we had different circumstances here," conceded Abrams.

"Instead of dying, we could have really landed the golden goose if she had simply gone missing in the Bahamas, a la Natalee Holloway ... Another white woman - this one a beautiful, wealthy celebrity - goes missing on an island ... I could retire a rich man on the back of that story ..."

Bonus Link

Anna and the Astronaut Trigger a Week of Tabloid News

Rita Cosby (left) is rumored to be tapped to anchor a new Anna Nicole Smith channel MSNBC is slated to launch

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Mitt Romney's Announcement To Run For President

News Item: Romney Joins the 2008 Race

10. Announced that his former company, Bain Capital will purchase the bus company that rival Senator John McCain is renting his "Straight Talk Express" from, confiscate the bus and rename it the "Innovation and Transformation Express"

9. Ignored questions about his youthful looks but emphatically denied he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby

8. If elected, plans on having the Olympic Theme played everytime he enters a room, instead of 'Hail To The Chief'

7. Said, if he was President, his Surge Plan would go much better because he'll have wiretapped mosques beforehand

6. Speculated that his latest position on abortion will probably hold up through the campaign

5. The grandchildren who attended the announcement kept pestering him on why he didn't have a big gavel they could play with

4. Says he understands, and is ready to face the "Is he Mormon enough" questions

3. Plans on being inclusive, and having Bill Donohoe, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, vet his bloggers

2. Assured crowd, that if you can get past the name "Mitt", there's no weirdness factor in his dossier

1. Chose the Ford Museum, mistakenly believing the funeral for former President Gerald Ford was still going on and could catch the draft from it

Monday, February 12, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Dixie Chicks Can Begin To Win Back Country Music Fans

News Item: Country radio still cold to Dixie Chicks

10. Offer to go up into Upstate New York and shovel all the snow

9. Announce next new album - All John Philips Sousa, but with a country twist

8. Natalie Maines can win over Australian country music fans, saying that she is proud that Prime Minister John Howard comes from Australia

7. Natalie Maines can win over U.S. country music fans and say that she's embarrassed that Barak Obama comes from Illinois

6. Use big Grammy win to get guest spots on '24' and have script written that they save Nashville from terrorist bombs

5. Offer to testify for Scooter Libby

4. Get Bush Administration to make new claim that Iranian-made weapons are destroying troops Country Music CD's

3. Refuse any interview requests from Wolf Blitzer

2. Write a song about her and donate the five Grammys to Anna Nicole Smith's now-orphaned daughter

1. Even though is about three-years late, announce that Maines is entering into Rehab

Sunday, February 11, 2007

"Yes, Dear, I'll Play Nice With the Democrats" ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Well, considering the rhetoric coming out of the White House for most of his term, you had to be skeptical as to President Bush's appearance at the Democratic Retreat last weekend.

After all, if he was adopting "The Godfather" policy, he'd need a few hundred Air Forces One's to tote around that entourage.

So, it seems our Garlic Poll voters figured it out, that the First Lady must have sent him out the door, admonishing him to play nice - and remind him just how long the next two-years can be.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 5 - February 10, 2007

President Bush's attendance and speech at the Democratic Retreat this past weekend may be that ...

1. He was going to blow it off, but Laura made him go Tally 31%

2. He's adopting the "Godfather" policy of keeping his friends close, but his enemies closer Tally 27%

3. Heard they had a huge Super Bowl pot in the works and wanted to go and personally pick his squares Tally 22%

4. Since he's going to be asking Congress for billions more for his Iraq Occupation, getting an early jump on buttering them up Tally 20%

This week’s Poll - If Vice President Dick Cheney is called to testify in the Scooter Libby Trial, Cheney is likely to ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 11 February 2007

Actor Daniel Radcliffe said that after appearing in the stage production of 'Equus', sans clothing, that he has been lobbying author J.K. Rowling to rewrite the final Harry Potter book, with "Harry not wearing any clothes".

Said Radcliffe, "we could demonstrate, quite well, that Harry is no longer a little boy and we could generate an entire new audience to keep the series going."

Coincidentally, former New Life Church pastor Ted Haggard, who announced last week that, after an intensive three-week program, he is now "completely heterosexual", is reported, after seeing Radcliffe's performance, to have contacted Rowling, also suggesting that she rewrite Harry Potter so that Radcliffe can appear in future Potter movies in the nude.

Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz said he backs President Bushs' new surge policy, and his continued threats against Iran.

Said Wolfewitz, "If you simply reuse the material we had for the build-up to invading Iraq, the run-up to war with Iran should pay for itself"

Lt. General David Petraeus
frustrated lawmakers at a recent hearing , when asked how much longer he sees U.S. troops in Iraq, motioned with his hands, saying "This much"

With the evidence, to-date, in the trial of former Assistant to the President, and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby detailing a much deeper and hands-on role by Vice President Cheney, The Garlic has obtained a photograph entered into evidence, of Cheney in the his office, on a typical work day

Senator Barak Obama, who, yesterday announced his candidacy for president, said if people want to make his race an issue, that he would expect "fair play" and that "the other candidates be charged with not being white enough."

Obama added, that in the case of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, Richardson "would have to decide on either not being white enough, or not being Hispanic enough"