Thursday, April 27, 2006

Editors Note

Good Afternoon Garlic Readers

We wanted to pass along, that due to some minor technical glitches, and a whole lot of major allergies, we’re a bit off with our postings this week.

Stay tuned, as we’ll be back on track in the next day, or two.

Many thanks for visiting with us and enjoy your reading!



Top Ten Cloves: Things That Came Out In Karl Rove’s 5th Grand Jury Appearance Yesterday

News Item: Rove Testifies 5th Time On Leak

10. Found a new email – best places around D.C where to find cheap gasoline

9. Remembered that Viveca Novak and Bob Novak is not the same person and wanted to get that on-the-record

8. As part of his new duties, needed to poll the Grand Jury on how many of them want Donald Rumsfeld to resign

7. Just wants to get on good side of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, so he doesn’t grill him during the Scooter Libby Trial

6. Wanted to make absolutely clear he had nothing to do with the firing of CIA Agent Mary McCarthy; That’s strictly a CIA-Smear deal

5. Admitted he agreed with Keith Hernandez, that woman don’t belong in the dugout

4. Needed to testify, so that new Press Secretary Tony Snow could practice saying “Can’t comment on on-going investigations

3. Pissed off about being demoted and wanted to lay down some dirt on Josh Bolton

2. Tried to make deal with Fitzgerald – For not indicting him, will tell him the date President Bush plans on invading Iran

1. White House has instituted a “Frequent Testimony Program”

Karl Rove testified to the Grand Jury yesterday that he agrees with Keith Hernandez that "woman don't belong in the dugout"

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Tony Snow Will Improve White House Press Briefings

News Item: Fox News's Snow to Become New White House Press Secretary

10. On his first day, free gas fill-ups for the entire press corps

9. Press Briefings will now include updates on Natalee Holloway and Duke Rape Case

8. Promise not to call on Fox News reporters first (at, least on most days)

7. To return the favor, will use Rush Limbaugh as a fill-in on days he can’t do the briefing

6. On slow new days, will deliver the press briefing in the persona of Norm Crosby

5. Along with sign language interpretation, will offer new “Tourette’s Syndrome” version of press briefings

4. When Donald Rumsfeld gets fired, or resigns, he’ll be the first to crack wise about it

3. Will provide transcripts of President’s conversations with High Father

2. Borrowing from his colleague at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, will frame each press conference with a “Talking Points Memo”

1. New, loud, ear-splitting, with floating graphics, intro video to press conferences, claiming White House Press Conferences are #1

Sunday, April 23, 2006

New Bush Theme Song - I'm The Decider

Last week was another milestone in the term of our Court-Appointed President, when he, with great authority and gusto declared that “I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best

Such a boast wouldn’t be complete without a theme song to it and, The Garlic is more than happy to supply one.

Now, everybody sing along, to the tune of The Beatles “Paperback Writer

I’m The Decider

Dear Sir or Madam, will you take my word?

It took me 4.5 years to write, to get it nice and blurred

Based on a group from the PNAC

It’s my job, because I’m the decider

It’s the dirty war of a dirty man

And clinging to a war we don’t really understand

But it’s a steady war, because I’m the decider

I’m the decider

It’s a thousand points of light, give or take a few

I’ll be writing more, over the next year or two

I can make them harsher, because, well, that’s my style

But I won’t change it round, because I’m the decider

I’m the decider

If I really want, I can take all your rights

I can make you an enemy combatant overnight

And if the generals complain, we’ll defend our war

And I won’t break, because I’m the decider

I’m the decider

I’m the decider

I’m the decider

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 23 April 2006

The White House refuted reports that China Protester Wenyi Wang was actually auditioning for the Press Secretary job, soon to be vacated by Scott McClellan

At the same time, the White House denied charges that President Bush grabbed China President Hu's coat, believing that he was stealing White House silverware

Kathleen Harris is said to have filed a law suit against President Bush, claiming trademark infringement. Ms. Harris claims that, when she decided, against advice, to say in the race for Florida Senator, she coined the phrase "I'm a decider"

Along with keeping the use of nuclear weapons on the table, for possible war with Iran, a new report leaked from the Pentagon details an elaborate program to introduce the Bird Flu into the country

General Peter Pace is said to be having "second thoughts" on his continued endorsement of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and plans on "watching him very, very closely" in the days ahead

Garlic Poll Results

With another week of furious voting, the results are in for The Garlic's Weekly Poll of last week, April 16 - April 22, 2006

And the winner is for “In order to resign, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will demand ...”

1. Since they haven’t formed a government yet, the King of Iraq 37%

2. He gets to drop first bomb on Iran before he leaves 29%

3. To be the new clean-up hitter for the New York Yankees 21%

4. Replace Simon Cowell on American Idol 14%

This week’s Poll - Before Scott McClellan Leaves His Job As Press Secretary, He Should ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote