Saturday, July 08, 2006

More Letters On The Garlic’s Baseball Piece

Look What They Are Saying III!

Back in April, when we first posted “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball??” , we didn’t expect the avalanche of response to it. The Garlic as been flooded with emails, cards, letters, viral videos and unclassified documents.
Here’s more to wade through
Since getting back from Namibia, we’ve been catching up on our reading. Your baseball piece was excellent – so much so that the next child we have, we’ve decided to have it in Yankee Stadium.
Angelina Joile and Brad Pitt

It was very nice of President Bush to take me on a tour of Graceland. However, on the plane ride over from Japan, I read with great interest your “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?” and would have preferred to go to an American baseball game (and I can tell you, I sure dropped enough hints).
Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, Japan

I am going to give you a scoop.
After recently reading your post “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?” I just had to quit Rocketboom, so I could begin my new career in baseball right away!

After reading your very fine baseball piece (okay, we didn’t exactly read it; It got swept up in our Domestic Surveillance Program), we decided to shift Alec Station to Summer Hours, so they could catch more baseball games.
Sorry for any confusion
General Michael V. Hayden
Director, Central Intelligence Agency

After reading your wonderful baseball story, I really should add to my recent Op-Ed in the Washington Post.
We do need fewer secrets – and much more baseball!
Jimmy Carter
39th president and founder of the Carter Center

I so much liked your story on American Baseball, I am going have copies printed and make it mandatory for passengers of our new Himalayan train service to read it (sorry I can’t let them go out on the Internet and look it up for themselves)
President Hu Jintao, China

With Major League Baseball’s All Star Game coming up next week, bone-up and read it for yourself
Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Breaking News! Lieberman Pledges To Support “Whichever Party Elects Me”

Post-Debate Bombshell - Lieberman Announces Plan C – Will Run In All 50 States

Hires Nader For ‘Underdog” Experience; Pledges To Support “Whichever Party Elects Me”

Moments after his debate last evening, against gaining challenger Ned Lamont, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) dropped a bombshell, announcing a new, “Plan C” that will see the embattled Senator seek ballot placement in all 50 states.

In taking this unprecedented move to gain a seat in the Senate, Lieberman indicated he will update his platform to “supporting whichever party that elects me.”

The Lieberman camp denied that the move to run in all 50 states was a financial one.

Potentially, with regards to how Lieberman would be placed on the ballots of individual states, he could draw campaign funds from both Democrats and Republicans

Nader Aboard But In Mexico ...

With the move comes the hiring of “public citizen” Ralph Nader, for what the Lieberman Campaign says is his “underdog” experience.

A spokesperson for Mr. Nader would not confirm or deny the reports about joining the Lieberman campaign. Reporters and other media were advised that Nader was “in Mexico”,canvassing to be placed on the ballot in the recount of last weeks’ Presidential election.

“I’ll give them my all,” said the three-term Senator. “You’ll be electing Joe Lieberman, not George Bush ... I know George Bush, I worked with George Bush ... I lost to George Bush ... You get Joe Lieberman with your vote – lock, stock and barrel, and with no strings.”

Lamont Stamps Lieberman With ‘Bush”

For Lamont, who is running a grassroots campaign, and with strong support from the blogosphere, Lieberman’s strings are long, and being pulled by President Bush.

Focusing his challenge against Lieberman on the Senator’s support of the President’s polices for the War in Iraq, Lamont has hammered, both on the campaign trail, and again in last night’s debate, of Lieberman being a “rubber stamp” for the President, and praising him “when he should have been asking the tough questions."

In the heated Senate votes last month, Lieberman voted against the Feingold-Kerry Bill calling for a withdrawal from Iraq and then angered Democrats by also voting against the Reed-Levin Bill calling for President Bush to develop an Iraq Exit Strategy.

Last week, Lieberman announced his “Plan B”, that if he loses the primary race against Lamont, he will file to get on the November General Election ballot as a “Petitioning Democrat”, or as Lieberman said “unaffiliated.” Officially, Lieberman would appear on the ballot as a Independent.

In justifying the move, Lieberman indicated that "I have loyalties that are greater than those to my party."

To run as an Independent, Lieberman has caused a stir within the ranks of the Democratic Party.

Dean: Lieberman’s Become ‘The Brother-in-Law You Can’t Stand”

While, officially, the DNC, and leading Democrats all say they will support Lieberman in the primary, all have hedged on any support – with the exception of Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY), who clearly stated she will support the primary candidate “elected by Connecticut Democrats” – for Lieberman’s run as a Independent, despite his statements that he would continue to vote Democratic.

He’s really screwing us,” bellowed DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “He’s become that brother-in-law you can’t stand but have to put up with. I hope he loses so we can give him our own kiss.

“This is going to be of epic proportions,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

Lieberman’s long been a closet Republican ... Before Gore chose him for the 2000 ticket,” said Aaronson. “The RNC is licking their chops, for the day Lieberman changes that ‘D” or “I” to an “R.”

Delay’s Seat or Blair’s Throne In Sights

In a move Lieberman campaign officials say is separate, both from running as an Independent, and running in all 50 states, the Senator has written a “Friend of The Court” letter to U.S. District Judge Sam Sparks, seeking permission to replace former Majority Leader, the indicted Tom Delay, who Sparks ruled yesterday that Delay must remain on the November 7th ballot, despite his resignation from Congress.

“The Senator feels,” said the campaign official, “that this is a fallback position, in the event he doesn’t win the primary at home, or if he fails in any of the other states. He’d be happy to get elected to serve in the House.”

Though chances are sharply increased to winning a seat in any of the 50 states, the Lieberman campaign hinted that, if the worst happens, and they come up empty, the Senator may look at some “international opportunities.”

“Look, we already know of one,” said the campaign official. “Tony Blair has announced he’s stepping down. If the British want to keep the continuity of having a leader that is close to George Bush, then Joe’s their man.”

Senator Joe Lieberman is going after his own “Mission Accomplished” moment, announcing a “Plan C” to get placed on the ballot in all 50 states as a means to retain his seat in the Senate

Top Ten Cloves: Issues For Tom Delay With Having To Stay On Ballot In November

News Item: Ruling Keeps DeLay on Ballot

10. Maybe I can threaten that I have missiles that I want to test and fire off... That’ll get’em to back off

9. Likely is going to have to run against Joe Lieberman, who’ll be registering as an Independent

8. For Bumper Stickers, focus group split between keeping “Indicted” and “Former Congressman”

7. Actually a good thing ... Shows how much harder Conservatives have to work to get rid of all the liberal judges

6. Boy, they keep changing things on me ... First it was “Stay The Course”, now he’s saying it’s “I'd rather be right than popular”

5. I knew I shouldn’t have had Ann Coulter write the “Friend-of-the-Court” letter

4. I can always “Kenny-Boy” it ... “At least the President will say that I was a good guy

3. Now that he has to stay in race, fearful New York Times will expose his Texas Vacation Home as retaliation for criticism

2. With Jack Abramoff convicted and going to jail, doesn’t know where he’s going to get his campaign funding

1. This means he’s going to have to put “the Hammer” to President Bush and the White House, to issue that pardon sooner then they planned

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Garlic Exclusive! 1st Draft Of Coulter’s Plagiarism Response

Coulter Speaks (Sort Of)

The Garlic, working with many sources, during a whirlwind 36-hours of back-alley meetings, bad coffee and barely edible food, has come into possession of Ann Coulter’s first draft of her remarks concerning the plagiarism charges now facing her.

Let’s put it this way.

Working on this story, about Ann Coulter, to get the script of her remarks ... Well, the scrubbing that Karen Silkwood received looked like a $5000 massage at the Bellagio after having to clean-up from this one

AC Response To Lies and Slander

Fans Readers, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad break the load of liberal lies I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man woman on the face of the earth.

I have been in ballparks books and magazines for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans wonderful Christian Conservatives. Look at these grand men defenders of the American way of life. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his her career just to associate with them for even one day?

Sure I’m lucky.

Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert Ruppert Murdoch? Also, the builder of baseball’s television news’ greatest empire, Ed Barrow Roger Ailes? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins Bill O’Reilly? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball conservative television host today, Joe McCarthy Sean Hannity?

Sure I’m lucky.

When the New York Giants Times a team a liberal Ouija board of a newspaper you would give your right arm to beat bomb, and vice versa, sends you a gift lies and fabrications - that’s something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers liberal soccer moms, who are precisely as likely to receive anthrax in the mail as to develop a capacity for linear thinking and those boys illegal immigrants in white coats remember you with trophies pies -- that’s something.

When you have a wonderful mother-in-law motherfucker, like David Horowitz, who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter the 9-11 Widows -- that’s something.

When you have a father left-wing agenda and a mother gay priests, gay bishops, gay marriages -- much like The New York Times editorial board - who work all their lives so you can have an education lucrative career and build your body bank account -- it’s a blessing.

When you have a wife President and Vice President, like Bush and Cheney, who has have been a towers of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed -- that’s the finest I know.

So, I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break smear, but I've got an awful lot to live for to write and lie about.

"I'm here, I'm not queer, and I'm not going away."


Editor Note

Tip of the hat to American Rhetoric

More On Coulter Plagiarism

Coulter's Syndicate Requests Report From Plagiarism Prober -- As She Hits Back at 'NY Post'

In new book, Coulter 'cribs' stem cell list from right-to-life group

Paper confirms Coulter plagiarism reported online first

Suggested questions for the media to ask Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter: Republican Plagiarist

Is it live, or is it someone else's Memorex?

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons For North Korea To Run Missile Tests

News Item: North Korea Test-Fires Seventh Missile

10. Misunderstanding – Not testing rockets, just conducting Next-Day Delivery of special piñatas for Mexican Presidential Vote Recount

9. Surprised no other countries joined him – Was attempting to shoot down asteroid that came close to hitting Earth

8. Promised Tibet they’d rattle China a little, for opening up that mountain railway

7. Got caught up in the marketing hype and was trying to lure new Superman to North Korea

6. Misread the contract – Thought he had to shoot off missile, to keep his standing in Axis of Evil

5. Kim Jong-il is said to get “aroused” when he hears Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice scolding him

4. Cultural Difference – Just Jong-il’s way to join in the criticism of The New York Times

3. Trying to help up U.S. Ambassador Jon Bolton – One of the missiles was programmed to wipe out top ten floors of U.N. Building

2. Got carried away celebrating Italy’s win over Germany in World Cup Semifinal

1. Honest mistake – Simply was trying to write “Happy Birthday President Bush” in the sky with rockets

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is said to get Kim Jong-il’s attention, particularly when she is scolding him

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Garlictorial: Happy 4th of July - To Be A Fly On The Potato Salad Up In Kennebunkport Today

‘Everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated – except us"
Jane Faulkner, from the film “Mr. Deeds Goes To Town

Pixilated or not, I hope on this 4th of July, someone at the National Archives had the nagging thought that they better go in and check the U.S. Constitution, just to be sure that our Court-Appointed President didn’t add a Signing Statement to it

It’s likely Bush hasn’t done that (yet) – He’s been too busy the past few days, maintaining his faux and manufactured outrage at The New York Times, for disclosing the information that the U.S. Government has been sifting through the financial records of its’ citizens.

Perhaps, inspired by the incendiary pap, of what will undoubtedly be very Patriotic-themed fireworks tonight, the Bush team, or the Stepford GOP Congress will have a new, urgent amendment they will attempt to ram through – Leaker Burning.

They’re for it. Publicly, at the stake, if possible.

Except, of course, when it is the President himself directing and ordering the leak, as reported yesterday by the ever-digging journalist Murray Waas in the National Journal (and earlier, backed-up by The Scooter himself ).

Which now presents a “father” problem for the Leaker-In-Chief Bush, since Father #2 (the biological one) said, back in 1999, that “I have nothing but contempt and anger for those who betray the trust by exposing the name of our sources. They are, in my view, the most insidious of traitors

Would love to be a fly on the potato salad up in Kennebunkport today to hear Junior and Dad bandy that one around. Not to mention how he squares that with the Higher Father

Since the CIA has closed down the office hunting Osama bin Laden, maybe they’ll be reincarnated to handle the leaks – which, as we have seen, could mean, both dishing them out, and chasing after them.

Or does this mean Bush morphs again, from cowboy, to defender-warrior, to now becoming Roger O. Thornhill, to bin Laden’s George Kaplan, developing Madison Ave slogans, rather then strategy, and hunting him from cave-to-cave, always one step behind, and setting up the big finale atop of Mount Rushmore

Likely the four presidents carved into the mountain won’t be pixilated. They’ll cast a wary glance at Bush 43 and then shudder at what has become of the democracy they helped build and defend.

Take a break from the grill, or before you trudge out to see the fireworks, read two very fine posts that should help and add to the celebration of this 4th of July.

A July Fourth Declaration by Katrina vanden Heuvel

On the Fourth, Read the Declaration of Impeachment By David Swanson



"They’ll cast a wary glance at Bush 43 and then shudder at what has become of the democracy they helped build and defend."

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons New Superman Isn’t Fighting For Truth, Justice and The American Way

News Item: Truth, Justice and (Fill in the Blank)

10. Passport issues - Fortress of Solitude is his legal residence

9. Perry White wasn’t going to use it in Daily Plant news articles about Superman - Didn’t test well with the focus groups

8. To long a phrase when IM’ing or texting his friends

7. Part of a snit he’s throwing, over DC Comics assigning Batman and Robin to hunt down Osama bin Laden

6. When he uses it, superhero buddies think he’s a snob and evening always ends up in a super brawl

5. Show me the money! ... Wanted multi-year contract, control and profit-share of his own product placements

4. Until the Same-Sex Marriage Amendment is defeated, can’t get behind present Administration or Congress

3. If Flag-Burning Amendment ever gets passed, Congress will expect him to chase down, capture flag-burners and that will just screw up his schedule big-time

2. Gets in the way when he’s trying to pick up French chicks

1. Because of his intergalactic lifestyle, had his financial records looked over by the Bush Administration

Monday, July 03, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Things Superman Will Do To Show That He Is Not Gay

News Item: How Will a Gay Icon Fly at the Box Office?

10. Figure how to explain to Lois Lane that suddenly became allergic to the satin sheets

9. Stop accepting dinner invitations from Batman and Robin (Or, at least the after-dinner massage from Robin

8. Cut up ‘Bed, Bath and Beyond’ credit card

7. Call Congressman and urge them to vote for the Same-Sex Marriage Amendment

6. Along with the tights and cape, start wearing a John Deere Baseball Cap

5. Try to start hanging out with David Hasselhoff more often

4. Instead of flying to crimes scenes, show up in a big-ass, supercharged Ford F10 Pick-Up truck

3. See about dating Bo Derek – At least, on the nights she’s not with White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton

2. Throw away his DVD of “Boys Don’t Cry

1. Stop whistling Everything's Coming Up Roses whenever running into an alley or phone booth to change from Clark Kent to Superman

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 2 July 2006

After being hounded by the media, for his comments last week that “Valerie Plame was not a CIA Agent”, the indicted former Majority Leader Tom Delayadmitted that “I wasn’t really a Congressman, either”

DNC Leader Howard Dean joined the critics lambasting The New York Times, over their publishing of President Bush’s secret review of financial records.

Dean questioned “Why the Times didn’t sit on the story for a year, and print it after the elections, like they did with the NSA Wiretapping scoop ...”

Dan Abrams, recently elevated to the top post at MSNBC said this week that he is not daunted by the work that lay ahead of him.

“Summer just started and I’m pretty confident that some white woman will go missing, runaway, what have you ...Or, we’re bound to get some trivial celebrity trial that we can cover wall-to-wall”

Abrams also offered that, with the cable network changing to more taped programming, one of the first shows out-of-the-gate under his rein will be a two-hour special, based on a tip from one his stars, Keith Olbermann, host of the popular ‘Countdown” program, examining if fellow MSNBC host Rita Cosby is “dumber than a suitcase of rocks.”

It’s being reported that actress and comedienne Rosanne Barr has been “badgering” professional sports teams, arenas and other large events, offering to pay them to have cancelled MSNBC host Connie Chung sing the National Anthem “so I can get off that friggin’ monkey off my god-damned back.

Newly-named Juan Valdez Carlos Castaneda said he was disappointed with the National Federation of Coffee Growers in Columbia only minutes after being chosen.

Castaneda said that he had hoped to update the Valdez character to modern times, and ride around in a Jeep or Hummer, but due to the rising cost of gasoline, “they’re making me stay with that foul, awful-smelling donkey”

McDonalds Corporation announced this week that by early Fall, not only can you order lunch, you can get a haircut by Ronald McDonald himself, while you eat.

McCuts will debut at a limited number of locations before rolling it out nationally and McDonalds is looking into offering soon after, McNails, a manicure and pedicure service.

No word yet on how it will be offered on the menu, or if there will be any “Supersize Me” options

Barry Bonds, already under investigation by Major League Baseball, and, possibly facing charges related to his Grand Jury testimony in the Balco case, said that with the steroids and growth hormones he’s on now, “I can hit homeruns, to any part of the park, sitting down”. Bonds added that he’s hopeful that he can soon “hit homeruns without having to show up”

Poll Results - Cheney/Rice Beat Out Coulter ... The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 25 - July 1 2006 ... New Special July 4th Holiday Poll

Another spirited week of voting, on The Garlic’s Weekly Poll ...

Last week, we asked: The Sears Tower Terrorist Plot uncovered this week is likely to ... Ann Coulter ran neck-and-neck with the combo of Dick Cheney and Condi Rice, but in the end, the Bush Administrations’ dynamic duo pulled through ...

The Results

1. Have Dick Cheney and Condi Rice reprise their “Mushroom Cloud” speeches 30%

2. Get Ann Coulter cracking on a new book, criticizing the “Widows of Sears Tower” 29%

3. Be the first of a wave of “Home-Grown Terrorist” warnings from the Bush Administration between now and Mid-Term Elections in Fall 27%

4. Force Sears into admitting that “America Doesn’t Shop Here” anymore 14%

This week’s Poll - For the July 4th Holiday, celebrating the birth of our country, President Bush should ....

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote