Friday, March 25, 2005

Friday 25 March 2005

Bonds Now Denies He Ever Played Major League Baseball
Say Media Confusing Him With Another; Considers Lawsuit To Stop Harassment

San Francisco Giants star slugger Barry Bonds now claims that he has never played Major League Baseball and that the media's harassment is overlooking that they must be confusing him with another person.

This follows a testy interview on Monday, when Bonds, at first, hinted at retirement and then went into a tirade blaming the media for causing his injury and unfairly associating him with illegal steroid use. In a recent development, a former girlfriend of Bonds, Kimberly Bell of San Jose, Calif., has testified that Bonds told her, as early as 2000, that he was on steroids.

Bond is currently recoveing from a second knee operation, that will keep him for staring the season, and could, potentially, sideline him for the entire year. Bonds is chasing the homerun record of Hank Aaron and would likely, early in the campaign, surpass Babe Ruth to stand in second place.

As media approached Bonds yesterday, Bonds waived his hands, to stay away. But with cameras rolling and microphones turned on, Bonds shoke his head and started talking, to no one in particular.

"Man, you guys got the wrong person … I don't know what you're talking about - playing baseball? … I've never played baseball in my life …You got the wrong guy and, if you keep talking about me this way, I'll have to call my lawyer … Baseball, give me a break … You guy's got the wrong guy … It's not me, whoever you are talking about … Better go back and check your sources …"

Team and league officials denied comment on the reports. A lawyer from Major League Baseball's office in New York was dispatched to Scottsdale, Ariz., the site of the Giants training camp, to meet with team officials and Bonds.

An unconfirmed report indicates that after the press conference, Bonds even denied his name was Barry Bonds.

Avaya Faces Class Action Suit

Parties Charge Can't Fit Office In Autos

Misleading and deceptive advertising charges have lead to a class-action lawsuit being filed against the Avaya, Inc. The plantiffs seek for an end to the practice and unspecified damages.

Avaya Inc. designs, builds and manages communications networks for more than one million businesses worldwide, including over 90 percent of the Fortune 500, and is a world leader in secure and reliable Internet Protocol telephony systems and communications software applications and services

The case began after Joel Harrington, of Skokie, Ill. viewed the Avaya television commercial depicting a man working in his office, with a full staff, in his automobile, even warning the co-wokers of a bump in the road coming ahead.

Harrington was impressed with what he saw and immediately thought about applying the same to his small business.

After purchasing over $200,000 of Avaya products and services, Mr. Harrington soon found that he could not fit the equipment, or his staff of six in his 1998 Ford Tarus.

"We tried a number of different configurations", a beleagured Harrington stated at a news conference announcing the suit. "Just the equipment alone took up a great deal of space. Doug, our Purchasing manager was complete cramped and couldn't perform his duties".

Harrington was additionally stressed as the changes also meant the end of the carpool he and his co-workers shared. A number of the other auto's in the carpool were too small to accommodate any of the equipment and there was also the amount of time it took to transfer the equipment between the different automobiles and reset the office.

For a period of time, all of Harrington's employess used their own automobiles, and with distributing the necessary equipnment - and even purchasing additional items - they were able to conduct their business but, as Harrington stated in his suit, "it defeated the desired result, as depicted by Avaya, of a functioning, thriving business working in unison".

Harrington, through websites and chatrooms, soon discovered he was not alone. Thousands of others, who purchasd Avaya products, have had similar expereriences.

One party in San Diego, hitched a trailer to his auto to accommodate his office by was cited as being a commerical vehicle and fined. Another, a manufacturer in Richmond, VA had the additional expense of having his automobile fitted with costly filters so as to be in complaince with federal and EPA standards.

Avaya, based in Basking Ridge, NJ, offered no comment, indicating they have not seen the lawsuit. As of yesterday, their Legal Department was traveling on Route 75, somewhere near Kentucky.

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

10. Plush chairs, with cup holders and a 3D showing of 'The Ten Commandments'

9. Church organist will play a medley of 50-Cent's music

8. Special Rafle - Win a four-year scholarship to College of Cardinals

7. Batting cages in back of churches so you can work out and still get credit for attending services

6. Low Carb Communion Waffers

5. Matching services - Will pair you up with a fugitive and a copy of 'The Purpose-Driven Life'

4. Instead of a sip, will give you a glass of wine you can take back to your seat

3. One-day amnesity on purchasing 'The DiVinci Code'

2. Along with getting your feet washed, full pedicure services available at selected churches

1. Established 900 Number - Get a Wake Up! call from the Pope

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Thursday 24 March 2005

Microsoft Signs Pope For Marketing Deal

Steve Ballmer announced today the Microsoft has signed an exclusive marketing deal with Pope John Paul II to endorse Windows 2005. The promotions will be across television, print and internet

This is an unprecedented coup, for both Microsoft and The Vatican.

"We noticed", offered Ballmer, "that since he was released from the hospital, the Pope's appearances have been, almost exclusively, seen from a window … We happen to have a product called Windows, so we reached out. Bill and I took a trip to the Vatican to talk directly with the Pope, and his staff".

What those talks yielded was an undisclosed fee, rumored to be in the millions, for the Pope to endorse Windows 2005. Packaging will include a photo of the Pope, in a Microsoft window, and print ads are being developed using his image, with the tag line "Powered by The Pope".

A special edition of Windows 2005 will be marketed, with special religious bookmarks prepackaged into the browser and an autographed copy by the Pope will be put to auction on eBay, with Microsoft and the Vatican splitting the proceeds.

Ballmer dismissed that the move was related to appeasing the European Union, who recently ruled against Microsoft in their anti-trust suit. Ballmer also stated that the rights to using the Pope are Microsoft's only, and not extended to any of their partners or OEM's.

This was bad news for Intel Corporation, who, upon hearing of the deal, rushed a new campaign out of 'Intel - And The Pope - Inside'.

McGwire Shifts, Softens Stand; Will Speak

Following his embarrassing appearance before the Congressional panel looking into the steroid scandal in Major League Baseball last week, Mark McGwire, who refused to answer questions, indicated he has changed his position and will offer some information.

As he repeated over-and-over during the hearings that "I will not speak about the past", McGwire indicated yesterday during a press conference, he's ready to talk about events that occurred on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays - whether in the past or present.

"I've come to realize that I was not as forthcoming as I could have been, and that, I, perhaps, misunderstood some of the instructions given to by my council".

When asked if his lawyers "over-coached" him, McGwire responded; "I will not speak about the past". Asked if that meant his lawyers coached him on days other than Tuesday, Wednesday or Saturday, McGwire repeated the phrase.

Another questioner asked McGwire what he would talk about, that did occur on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Saturday.

"Anything … What I had for breakfast … Whatever game we played those days … There's really nothing I won't talk about related to my activities on Tuesday's, Wednesday's or Saturday's"

"Did you take steroids"

"I will not talk about my past", again offered McGwire.

A spokesman for McGwire, who refused to identify himself, indicated that talks are on-going between McGwire and his lawyers to add Monday's as an area he will discuss.

Stadium Deal Falls; Jets New Home To Be In PA.

With democrats lining up against him over the West Side Stadium project, Mayor Michael Bloomberg intimated that the deal was broken and the New York Jets will go with an alternate plan, that will have build and play in Scranton, PA.

The West Side Stadium, a pet project of the Republican mayor, Michael R. Bloomberg, has come under constant criticism, for using city and state funds for private concerns. It was to be an ambitious project, that included spending on a vast amount of infrastructure and expanding the Javits Center.

The Mayor would only comment that he was "disappointed" and hopes that he can build back the momentum for the project.

"I'd like to be remembered for something more than just 'The Gates"

A Jet's team official indicated the team would have no comment at this time and offered that they would retain the name of the New York Jets while based in Scranton.

Top Ten Cloves: Other People Florida Gov. Jeb Bush Wants To Take Into Protective Custody

10. Robert Blake - No special reason other than the Governor really loves those old Our Gang pictures

9. Donny Duetsch - Somebody's got to get him off television

8. Tucker Carlson - He'll feel more comfortable in his bow ties with the state's older population

7. Lil' Kim - Will let her out of jail for Spring Break performances

6. Rep. Tom DeLay - Favor for his brother, just until the ethic charges thing dies down

5. Pope John Paul II - Pope can sit in a Florida window, which will help ailing state tourism

4. Martha Stewart - Won't make her wear the ankle monitor; Can get some of those great cranberry-orange muffins she makes

3. Dan Rather - Will house him at Cape Canaveral and have him explain the frequency to NASA scientists

2. Siegfried and Roy - They switch from tigers to alligators; Roy gets attacked by alligator, which will help ailing state tourism

1. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles - Already has special bill; No problem giving her title, Queen of Florida

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Wednesday 23 March 2005

Castro Shocker
Offers Parties to Drop Case; He'll Take Schiavo and Send Elian Back

Cuban leader Fidel Castro injected himself into the Terri Schiavo case early this morning, offering, that if all parties dropped their law suits, he would send 12-year-old Elian Gonzalez back to Florida.

Shortly after the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, in a 2-1 vote, rejected the latest claim by the Schindler's, Terri's parents, to resume the feeding of their brain-damaged daughter, Castro called Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice with his offer.

A young, five-year-old Elian was the focus of a bitter court battle soon after he rescued by American fisherman after he was found floating on an inner tube on Thanksgiving moring in 1999. Backed by anti-Castro Cuban-Americans, a fight was taken up to the Supreme Court, who refused the case, after a lower court ordered young Elian to be returned to his father in Cuba in the summer of 2000.

In a statement, speaking through an interpreter, Castro indicated he didn't "trust the American courts" and that he would "allow the woman to die with dignity"

Breaking into English, Castro continued.

"These courts, they are not for the people … They don't hold the people's interest in their hearts. Look at my little nino, Elian. If the situation was reversed, I would have ordered my courts to keep the boy in America. I would look at the better quality of life, food, the schools … Everything, except his baseball, would be better … They were loco to send him back …"

With the President, the Congress, the Justice Department involved in the Schiavo case, the State Deparment now reluctantly joins in. Officials scrambled this morning, in Washington and Florida, as news of the Castro offer leaked.

Thousands of anti-Castro Cuban Americans flocked to Atlanta, to the Appeals Court, already overcrowded with protesters, calling for the court to take up Castro's offer. Another throng of Cuban Americans streamed into Tampa, and to the hospice where Terri Schiavo is cared for, offering to assist in getting her to Cuba.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush called for his state legislature to review the Castro offer and is said to be in close contact with the State Department.

The State Department refused comment on Castro's statements and offer, with senior officials meeting with Congressional members and White House staff.

Senate Whip, Senator Bill Frist issued a statement, indicating that Congress could possibly issue a new bill, if it included broader elements that Cuba would take additional patients in vegatative states.

A New Twist; Queen Takes Out Living Will

Just as the news broke that, by law, Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become Queen, when her husband, Prince Charles, takes the throne as King, Queen Elizabeth announced that she has taken out a Living Will and directs that she be kept alive by any and all means.

The Department for Constitutional Affairs confirmed on Monday that legislation would be needed for Camilla not to become Queen automatically on Charles's succession. Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles have previously announced Camilla would be known as the Duchess of Cornwall after her marriage and intends to take the title Princess Consort when Charles becomes King.

Any attempts to change the rules would be extremely difficult. It would require not only a new law in Britain, but also legislative changes in 15 nations where the British monarch is head of state.

All that may be a moot point with the Queen's making a Living Will.

A palace spokesperson indicated that the Queen was "riveted" by the Terri Schiavo case in the United States, and, after conferrng with her staff, and with Prime Minister Tony Blair, the Queen decided it would be best for England that she have a Living Will, so Britons would not have to go through what was happening in the United States.

Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles had no comment on the news of the Living Will. Their wedding is scheduled to take place on April 8th.

Top Ten Cloves: If CEO's, World Leader's Could Wear Pajamas To Work

10. Bernie Ebbers: Black-and-White Stripes

9. Jeff Bezos: Hasn't reached the point yet where he can wear pajamas to work

8. Summer Redstone: One-piece, red flannel, with trap door

7. Donald Rumsfeld - Just skivee's, or the one's with tanks and helicopters on them

6. Larry Ellison: Long, flowing white robe, with staff

5. Kirstie Alley - All the left over fabric from The Gates

4. Dick Cheney - Something like the Electric Cowboy, that light up - courtesy of his buddies on the Energy Commission

3. Martha Stewart - Kind'a got used to the orange jumpsuit she wore in prison

2. Steve Jobs - Won't say until next MacWorld Keynote; Will sue if anyone reveals it before then

1. Tony Blair - Whichever one's President Bush lays out for him

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop

Undergoes Induced Vegatative State, To Be Doctor Monitored, To Get To Heart of Schiavo Story

As the world awaits a Florida Judge's decision, following extraordinary Congressional intervention, Fox News announced yesterday that it's star reporter, Geraldo Rivera, will be medically induced into a vegatative state, for a series of special reports on the Terri Schiavo case.

"I will be completely safe", offered Rivera at a news conference. "We have a team of doctors, all very certified and qualified, that will put me under, monitor me and, if necessary, administer life-saving measures to me" … This is what journalism is all about".

Rivera, who joined FOX News in November 2001 as a war correspondent, has a long career history, as by his critics, of over-the-top antics in his reporting, said he just wants to get to the heart of the matter for the benefit of his viewers.

"This is a very emotional case, no matter what side of the issue you are on", said Rivera. "We had unprecidented action by our Congress …It's brother verus brother, versus mother, versus father … It's ripping the country apart".

"By allowing me to feel what Terri must be feeling. I can, perhaps, help put it all into perspective … Will I know I am helpless? Will I have a will to survive? Will I be crying out, through my blank stare? … My involuntary, reflex movements? … How can I tell them I want to live? Who will hear my cries?"

The project, supported by both Ruppert Murdoch and Peter Chernin, president and COO of News Corp, will be a special, aired on Fox, in May, over the course of three nights. Every element of the procedures to induce Rivera into a vegatative state, the time he spends essentially comatose, the tests that will be conducted on him, will all be filmed.

A team of doctors, who were not identified, will oversee all medical procedures and testing. Fox plans on making the data gathered in the project available to reseachers.

Chernin indicated that this is a go project, regardless how the Florida Judge rules, or any additional Congressional or legal action that takes place.

The surprise announcement caught many of the other networks off-guard. NBC rushed a statement out saying they plan on having anchor Brian Williams begin doing stand-up's from actual hospital rooms in America. Peter Jennings will have a film crew with him for a routine check-up, which Jennings will sit down with his doctor to discuss a living will. ABC News will carry this a titled segment series for one week, probably in late April.

CBS and CNN indicated that plans were being made and they would have statements at a later date.

Rivera also received some extra reassurance.

Majority Leader, Rep. Tom DeLay indicated that if anything goes wrong, "we'll have another all-night session and bang out the Gerry Rivera Bill",

Rumsfeld Waivers On Japanese Sub Found

Intimates Country Invaded by North Korea

The wreckage of a large Japanese submarine found last week by researchers in waters off Hawaii is said to be of World War II vintage, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wasn't convinced and has launched an investigation.

In an extended press conference yesterday, Rumsfeld offered that there has been "chatter" recently from Pyongyang and that he "wouldn't put anything past the North Koreans".

"We know they were here for September-eleventh and there's been a steady rise in intelligence and chatter coming from
Pyongyang … Pak-man (North Korean Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju) doesn't like us - we know-he knows-we-know-it and this just has his fingerprints all over it"

A research team from the University of Hawaii discovered the huge submarine, said to be of the 400 Sensuikan Toku class of subs.
At a height of 40-feet tall, and capable of carrying a 150-man crew, it was the largest class of subs built before the nuclear class came in the 1960's.

"Think about it", offered Rumsfeld, "They have Al-Qaeda cells embedded all over their country, they're walking away from the nuclear talks and they know we have a whole bunch of new people here … Condi, John, the whole bunch … March Madness is going on here …All that coma girl controversy … What better time to try a strike against us? … If I were a tyrannical dictator … if had a deep, deep hatred of the United States … if I was in bed with some of the nastiest terrorist on this planet, I might think about it (invading the U.S.) …"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated only that President Bush was reviewing all the information and would have no comment until that process was completed.

A spokesperson for the University of Hawaii released a brief statement that read, in part, "the director of the research team, as well as all team members, believe they found a World War II Japanese submarine".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Chief Justice William Rehnquist Will Be Welcomed Back To Supreme Court

10. Two words: Bar Crawl

9. Do alittle off-the-books adjustings of some laws so he can get his drugs from Canada

8. His biggest wish; Let him hold secret 'People's Court' sessions during off-hours and weekends

7. For nostalgia, rest of Justices will let him strike down the Martin Luther King holiday ruling in Arizona

6. Make sure he has a Living Will; None of them want to be sticking a tube in him

5. Justice Sandra Day O'Conner will give him a lap dance

4. To really cheer him up, they'll overturn Roe v. Wade

3. Give him the okay to wear Hawaiian shirts in-session

2. His favorite; When courts' out-of-session, blindfold him, spin him in chair and let him walk around dizzy until he falls down

1. Give him the good news - They got a bite on his Reality TV script - Fat Supreme Court Justice - from Fox

Monday, March 21, 2005

Lucas To Increase Production of Stars Wars; Liz Taylor Snubbed; No More Future For DeLorean

3D Remakes Tip of Iceburg; New Galaxies, Wars Offer Endless Plots

Just as George Lucas prepares to release, Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith, on May 19th, the final film of his multi-billion-dollar franchise, and re-release all Star Wars films in 3D, a report has surfaced that there are no plans to slow down.

Lucas will actually increase production of his Star Wars films, carrying story lines into new, parallel universes that offer endless plots and a perpetual river of movies, product spin-offs and a bevy of new ancillary items.

Since 1977 and the first Star Wars release, Lucas has sold over $3-billion worth of tickets at box offices around the world.

The report, confidentially obtained by The Garlic, show that a trilogy-per-year will begin in 2006, with a 3D-re-release targeted for three-years later. There will be no overlap on releases, as each trilogy will be a separate story line, with different chararters in different locations.

Plots will be centered around the full family lineage of main characters, such as Luke Skywalker, Darth Vadar, Obi-Wan Kenobi and others. Natalie Portman, who portrays Senator Amidala, is said to have signed a lifetime contract, so that she can age naturally on-screen.

Completely new galaxies will be created, with their stories unfolding, in paralell time to the main Star Wars story line. In some cases, descendants of the main characters will be key to these new galaxies, told in two trilogies on the 'Exploration' period, when early members of The Force fanned out in search of new worlds.

The report projects an endless stream of Star Wars movies and products, that will carry on well after Mr. Lucas's passing, perhaps extending as far as great-great-great-grandchildren.

Liz Taylor Miffed At Snub for Fat Actress Role

Movie legend Liz Taylor is said to be furious that she was not offered the starring role of 'Fat Actress', according to Hollywood insiders.

"I wrote the book on being a fat actress" Taylor barked at a recent news confernces. "How dare they cast that nobody … She should stick to doing bad television commercials …"

Taylor, known for such classics as National Velvet, Cleopatra, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, A Place In The Sun and Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf, has worked with such stars as her former husband Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Montgomery Clift, Laurence Harvey, Spencer Tracy, Marlon Brando and countless others.

Taylor indicated, angrily, that when she first heard about the show, she immediately started putting on more weight, confident that she would get the first call for the role.

"I mean … The Kristie person - who is she? What has she done? Television? … God, she wouldn't have been an extra in any one of my hit films … She doesn't hold a stick next to me … I have bracelets that weigh more then her …"

Obituary: DeLorean Founder Dies at 80

John Z. DeLorean, founder of the DeLorean Motor Company, died Saturday after complications due to a stroke. He was 80-years-old.

DeLorean, dissatisfied with how Detroit was making automobilies, left General Motors in 1973 to achieve his dream of building his own car company. In the early 1980's, his DMC-12 model, the only one produced, captured the imagination of futuristic design with it's stainless steel body and it's door that opened up, as opposed to the traditional side-to-side.

Roughly 9,000+ were produced before the company went bankrupt. Soon after the bankruptcy of DeLorean Motor's, DeLorean was targeted by the U.S. Government for drug trafficing but was acquitted in 1984, after a highly publicized trial.

At the high point, it was a must-have item for the rich and famous. The lasting lore was cemented by the 'Back-To-The-Future' movies, starring Michael Fox and Christopher Lloyd, which featured the DMC-12.

According to his wishes, Mr. DeLorean will be buried, with a small mirror, a tightly rolled $100-bill and his stainless steel casket will have a gull-wing door.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Boss Is Incompetent

10. Always putting ball-point pens in the pencil sharpner

9. You ask about the RFP; Boss goes into how much they loved Mayberry RFD

8. Refuses to use Spell Check; Says doesn't believe in voodoo

7. Thinks they are hip; Has sign on their desk - Buck Doesn't Stop Here - All You Get Is Small Change

6. You ask to be blind-copied on email; Boss chides you for making fun of the handicapped

5. You advise there's a problem with your Direct Deposit; Boss empathizes with you and confides also used fertility clinic

4. Every few months, has cast on hand from punching the timeclock

3. Holds and speaks into the receiver whenever they use the Speakerphone

2. Breaks the office scanner trying to get prank photo of their ass

1. Keeps asking you where to stick the Post-It Notes