Saturday, January 21, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 21 January 2006

The return of former GM Theo Epstein will likely clear the way for the Boston Red Sox to sign intergalactic, 7'5", left-handed fireballer, Chewbacca for the upcoming 2006 season

eBay CEO Meg Whitman, reportedly, has joined Google in rebuffing the U.S. Justice Department's search subpoena, telling the Government that they will have to "open up an account and bid for the records, just like all our other clients"

To revive interest in his promotions and fighters, chief executive of Top Rank Boxing, Bob Arum announced he will star in a new movie, "Brokeback Boxing Ring". along with WBC heavyweight champion Hasim Rahman

As reported earlier by The Garlic, the International Cricket Association, plagued by performance steroids, is combating the problem, and this past week, passed measures to allow the torture of players caught using the illegal drugs

Speaking at the Manhattan Institute on Friday, Vice President Dick Cheney defended President Bush's NSA Wiretapping program, saying "we got files this high on our enemies".

Asked after the speech to clarify his remark, Cheney refused comment on if he meant terrorists or Liberals and Democrats

The White House is downplaying a rumored rift between the President and First Lady and denies that Laura Bush attempted a "citizen's arrest" of her husband, over the alleged illegal wiretapping

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Thursday 19 January 2006

Breaking News!
Bin Laden Surfaces With New, Wide-Ranging Audio Tape, Triggering Swift Boat Vet Action

Al Qaeda Leader Promises Attack, Comments On Hillary, Abramoff, Vatican ID Ruling and Dancing With Stars

The Arabic news network Al Jazeera broadcast an audiotape today, that claims to be Al Qaeda Leader Osama bin Laden. It was the first tape from the hunted terrorist since December 2004, when he called on the Iraqis to boycott their upcoming elections.

In today's tape, bin Laden, directing his speech to the American people, on a wide range of topics, indicated more attacks inside the United States are being prepared and made an unusual reference to a truce, but without stating any details.

"We know that the majority of your people want this war to end and opinion polls show the Americans do not want to fight the Muslims on Muslim land, nor do they want Muslims to fight them on their [US] land.

"But Bush does not want this and claims that it is better to fight his enemies on their land rather than on American land. Bush tried to ignore the polls that demanded that he end the war in Iraq.

Bin Laden made references to the war in Iraq, and attacks on "European capitals", leading terrorist experts to speculate that the tape, if not brand new, is fairly current. Also, it establishes that bin Laden still has a communications network and is able to stay current on news, both in the Middle East, as well as Europe and the United States.

The White House offered little comment on the the tape, now over four-years in their pursuit of bin Laden, noting that the broadcast is being examined, to verify that it is bin Laden speaking, and to search for any hidden intelligence inside the message.

Within hours of the tape's broadcast today, the Swift Boat Veterans immediately challenged bin Laden on his record as a terrorist and indicated they will continue to attack the Al Qaeda leader "until he comes clean".

"This means," says Swift PR man Keith Appell, "that we'll have to jump off Murtha for awhile, but such is the price of freedom."

The White House refused to comment on bin Laden's criticism, aimed at the Bush Administration.

Bin Laden joined in the growing chorus, calling for the White House to release information and logs on how many times indicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff visited the White House, and as to who he met with. The terrorist leader suggested that "Bush and his infidel cronies are lining their pockets"

Bin Laden also complemented Hillary Clinton, on her remarks Monday, referring to the House of Representatives being run "like a plantation … And you know what I am talking about …"

"I know exactly what Mrs. Clinton is saying," cautioned bin Laden, then going on, warning "the imperialists best not create the same mess in the Iraqi Parliament".

A surprising segment of the tape was when bin Laden stated he was "glad to see" the Vatican coming down against Intelligent Design.

"Thankfully, we have Allah and we don't need to seek false theories."

The official Vatican newspaper, this week, published an article agreeing with the ruling in Pennsylvania, that Intelligent Design should not be taught as a scientific alternative to evolution

The most startling words from bin Laden came when he suggested that the producers of "Dancing With The Stars" should "come to the Middle East". Bin Laden confessed to "practicing as much as I can" and indicated he would find "dancing with Scarlet Johansen or Halle Berry a dream come true".

In a related matter to the release of this new bin Laden tape, Washington Post reporter and author Bob Woodward said he wasn't sure if he would "write about this now, or sit on it for a few months … or years".

Government and Military agencies are pouring over the new message today from Osama bin Laden with "all available tools"

News In Brief 19 January 2006

Google To Fight DOJ On Record Search Subpeona

Will Comply If Bush Releases Abramoff and Energy Meeting Records; Also Wants Rights To Digitize Case

Did You Mean: Turn over all our records?

The Departmen of Justice, and the Bush Administration, filed papers yesterday, in U.S. District Court in San Jose, demanding that Google comply with subpeona issued last year, and turn over search records, to determine how often pornography shows up in online searches.

The records the DOJ is seeking contains over 1-million random Web addresses and records of all Google searches from any one-week period.

Google has refused to comply to the subpeona, citing privacy rights and trade secrets.

The government is seeking to revive an Internet child protection law struck down two years ago by the U.S. Supreme Court. The law was drawn up to fine, punish and potentially shut down online pornography sites that make their content accessible to minors.

Nicole Wong, an associate general counsel for Google, said the company will fight the government's effort ``vigorously.''

Wong went further, offering a comprise to the Bush Administration. Evoking one of Google's corporate principles of "don't be evil", Google would be willing to produce the records, "as soon as the White House releases the log of Jack Abramoff's visits, and the notes from Vice President Cheney's secret energy meetings".

Additionally, having learned their lesson with book publishers, Google is seeking, upfront, to get the rights from the Federal Court, to digitize the proceedings

Google is the country's most popular search engine, netting nearly 50% of all searches conducted in the U.S.

The DOJ has not decided what their next move will be and the White House has offered no comment on Google's comprise request.

"You'll probably see," says Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black'), "the Bush people add the Google people to the NSA's list of phones to tap and moniter. They'll look to get information that they can use to either squeeze, or smear, Google."

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons That Should Give Mitt Romney Pause As To Running For President

10. Two Words: Dukakis and Kerry

9. Cleaning up Washington DC, unlike the Olympics, will take about four lifetimes

8. Unlike his work at Bain, he can't just throw up his arms and go out and buy the Presidency … Well, wait a minute …

7. Too many jokes about his name, not being able to "catch this" or "catch that" as he screws up

6. After seeing Brokeback Mountain, not sure he can stay against Gay Marriage

5. No precident for having 17 First Ladies

4. Three Words: Another Massachusetts Politician

3. Too much hassle; Would Summer White House be in Massachusetts or Utah?

2. Might get confused in debates, say RU-486 was that François Truffaut Sci-Fi Film and get called a Massachusetts Liberal, or egghead like former Gov. Weld

1. Can't wiretap the Dobsons, as retribution for excluding Mormons from National Day of Pray, until actually elected President

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Robertson May Have, Inadvertently, Caused Hajj Stampede Deaths

Was Working On New Material For Bush Video Blitz, Testing New Curses and Condemnations

The White House announced this morning that outspoken and controversial televangelist Pat Robertson may have been the cause last week of the Mecca stampede that took over 350 lives.

"It's come to our attention," offered a sullen Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary in a briefing today, "that Reverend Robertson may be involved in this."

This comes on the heels of Robertson stating that the stroke suffered by Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon stroke was divine punishment for "dividing God's land", as well as other outlandish and over-the-top pronouncements last year, including that the U.S. Government should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Impressed with the media coverage Robertson generates with his raving, the White House, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld met with Robertson last week, and secured his services to produce "Al Qaeda-style" videos for the U.S. Military, condemning and berating Osama Bin Laden and other terrorists.

The annual pilgrimage, or hajj, was attended by over 2-million Muslims this year.

The site a two-story bridge, where the nearly 363 deaths occurred, has been the center of deaths in the past.

"One of the biggest problems was this bridge," said Osama al-Bar, director of the Hajj Research Center at Umm al-Qura University, which oversees the safety of the hajj said In the New York Times today. "After 32 years and 1,500 lives, it's finally going down. I'd really like to know who thought this structure up."

The White House was quick to say that, as best as it is known at this point, Robertson is not involved with any of the past deaths at Mecca.

As described by McClellan, Robertson, eager to get the Video Blitz program going, was in-studio, rehearsing for his first broadcast.

"He had a script, which he followed, but, apparently, he improvised, either after reading what was written, or changing the content himself," said McClellan.

"The CIA and State Department are reviewing the tapes, to find out exactly what it was that Reverend Robertson said. From the others that were in the studio at the time, it was reported that he was, more-or-less, an ad-lib, something along the lines of "the pilgrims of Mecca will meltdown if they pray with Osama" or that "they need to fall in line". As I said, we're reviewing the tapes to get, exactly, the comments made, and to see if Reverend Robertson said anything that can be attributed to causing the disaster."

McClellan would neither confirm or deny the rumors that the missile strike in Pakistan, that killed 18 people, including innocent woman and children, was also caused or influenced by Robertson.

To help sell his vision of New Orleans as a "Chocolate City", Mayor Ray Nagin announced that special "Chocolate Hats" are now available and for sale to supporters of the plan

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Having A Chocolate City

10. Husbands making up to their wives will have to be creative and give something else along with the flowers

9. Will have to compete with places like Hershey Park

8. Controversy - People will say the European-style houses are better than the American-style houses

7. Two Words of Caution: Summertime and Melting

6. When Hollywood wants to do the second remake of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, your city can be the set location

5. Revenue - Abandon property can be sold as shavings or chips

4. Can have little neighborhoods of truffles and mints

3. Good options for themes, like at Valentine's Day and Easter time

2. Former NBA star Daryl Dawkins can do television promo commercials for you

1. Need of a referendum - With or Without Nuts

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Special Commentary: Welcome To Bushville …

Editor's Note

As we approach the year-anniversary of The Garlic, we will begin, from time-to-time, to offer Special Commentaries, from Garlic Staff as well as guests … Think of them as "Garlictorials" and, as always, thoughts and comments most welcomed


Welcome To Bushville … Nice Speech Al, and, On The Way Out, Don't Forget Zuzu's Petals

Al, we hardly knew ye.

Talk about coming off the bench and throwing a "Hail Mary" touchdown pass (and one, presumably, the NFL officials would rule that it is, indeed, a forward pass), with the Senate Democrats looking as clueless and beleaguered as the Indianapolis Colts, it took a veteran politician, six-years out of office, to enter the game and stand up the current, court-appointed President.

Save for Jack Murtha, who must be busy, using his military contacts to gather some intelligence on, not the boat, but the Swift Armada that is heading his way, the Dems have been standing on the sidelines, seemingly, hoping the coach doesn't call them to get in there and kick some ass.

Using the MLK Holiday to amp up the pressure, VP Gore's speech yesterday at the Daughters of the American Revolution Constitution Hall in Washington, "US Constitution in Grave Danger", with his calling for a special prosecutor and charging that "A president who breaks the law is a threat to the very structure of our government", was much needed.

The speech, sponsored by the American Constitution Society, a group founded in 2001 to be the liberal counterpart to the Federalist Society, and the Liberty Coalition, may well be the nectar that can nourish the parched Democrats.

But did it have to be Gore to be the water boy?

After all, back in the 2000 presidential election, our man from Tennessee won the popular count by more than 500,000 votes. It was all there for him, clear field ahead, but rather than running with the ball and diving into the end zone, Al strapped on the leather helmet and punted.

Instead of pushing for a full-state recount of Florida's voting, circa November 2000, Al let the Original Men In Black decide his fate.

What took place to give Bush the Presidency has played out like a acid-laced Hunter S. Thompson-written, Tim Burton-Directors-Cut remake of "It's A Wonderful Life". Only it isn't George Bailey being shown the irony of a slice of life without him, it was big Al Gore.

Clarence Oddbody, now, the over 300-year-old angel, with relatively low-mileage wings, is showing the former Vice President, as well as the rest of America, not to mention Iraq and the entire world, the ramifications of not asking for that state-wide full recount.

And that choke job has landed all of us, not in idyllic Bedford Falls, but in the intelligently-designed, wiretapped, Neocon-filled, Corporate-Congressional pork barrel of Bushville, USA.

Substitute Condoleezza Rice for Violet Bick, John Kerry for Uncle Billy, John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzalez filling in as Ernie and Bert, and that hee-hawing Sam Wainwright saying "Fuck You", keeping his sweatshops overseas, with labor for pennies on the barrel, and a Wal-Mart inspired "no lunch break" employment policy.

Plug in John Murtha as war hero brother Harry, only, instead of flying home in a blizzard to save Big Brother Al, it's Bigger Brother George W. busy smearing the decorated veteran, much to the delight of a wheel-chair-bound Dick Cheney, in the Mr. Potter role of manager and owner of Bushville.

Ten-minutes into this fiasco is about all the bumbling Clarence will need, before he pushes Gore out of the way and does himself in (perhaps, moving the story to Oregon), newly-acquired wings and all, leaving the former internet inventor a destiny of searching the libraries of the world for his beloved Tipper, who has spent her days reading books backwards for subversive music lyrics, in her Tennessee Waltz-less life.

With Lobbyist-extraordinaire Jack Abramoff in the Green Room, warming up for his courtroom aria, in what looks like a payola scandal without precedent, this one may require the Capital Police to issue an official crowd estimate as to how many Congressman and Administration officials it snares.

Randy "Duke" Cunningham has already sobbed his swan song, so, perhaps, the soon-to-come slate of trials will clue him in as to why, it seems. that Abramoff, Scanlon or Tom DeLay forget to tell the former Top Gun that he could have pulled up to the overflowing feeding trough of K Street, instead of taking the Express /10-Items-or-Less line in the graft supermarket know as the Republican Conference.

The scope of the payoffs were such that, the stereotypical laundry trucks, that normally would have been deployed for Court-Appointed-President Bush's super secret wiretapping scam, instead were rerouted to K Street, to haul around the mountains of cash.

Didn't anyone on those special golf trips to Scotland make a cell phone call? If so, likely some more evidence in the NSA's archives.

At least that's what Abramoff must be hoping for. Forget about hitting the cigar lighter and wishing for a million-dollars, Jack-in-Black will settle for a scandal bigger than his.

No doubt, the army of Bush Team lawyers are busy today, combing over Gore's speech, and writing new legal opinions that justify anything Mr. Potter wants to do (and, perhaps a second team of lawyers figuring out, before the ship sinks, which department - Homeland Security, CIA, FBI, NSA or all-of-the-above, to throw under the bus on this one).

If we get lucky, Brother Harry/Jack Murtha gets to fly into the Capital during a blizzard, for the 2006 Congressional Elections, and with the music swelling up, the newly-elected Democrat-majority House knocks out a group rendition of Auld Lange Singe, with Cindy Sheehan filling in for Mr. Martini and pouring the wine.

If not, it's more oil derricks for Bushville and a barren, cold, windswept land, sans a functioning Constitution and Sam Wainwright wiring the money directly into the RNC coffers.

Nice speech Al, but only if you had changed the channel, to "Casablanca" and had Rick Blaine hand you the election and presidency letters. You would have saved so many of us the grief and burden of Bushville, and be able to say "This time, I know our side will win".

On your way out Al, don't forget Zuzu's petals.

"A president who breaks the law is a threat to the very structure of our government."

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 15 January 2006

At MacWorld this past week, CEO Steve Jobs announced a new program where Apple users can have their iBooks or iPods surgically attached to their bodies. For those electing this procedure, Jobs directed users to the new, iCrazy website, where instructions for computer hobbyists can be download for those that would want to do the attachements themselves

Southwest Airlines
will announce a new "Dong" program this week. For registered users, a "dong" will be sounded on their computers whenever a Southwest jet overruns, or goes off a runway

Iraqi Judge Rizgar Mohammed Amin confirmed on Friday that he is stepping down from presiding over the Saddam Hussein trial so that he can become "Judge Mohammed", a new syndicated program on the Al Jazeera News Network, model on the numorous televison court programs in America.

Unlike his American counterparts, Judge Mohammed will have the authority to carry out sentences, including stonings and beheadings.

It took over 30-years but life is imitating art in India, as the government officially unveiled their new 'Ministry of Silly Walks' this past week

The U.S. Treasury issued this week their new Organic $20 Bills, certified to be produced without chemicals or growth hormones

A group of over 100 international;y acclaimed scientists, including Nobel Prize winners, released a three-year study that shows right-wing pundit Ann Coulter "contributes significantly" to Global Warming