Saturday, November 12, 2005

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 12 November 2005

Ford Chairman and CEO Bill Ford announced on Friday, that due to sagging sales, he will begin driving a taxi nights to help bolster the company's revenue

Due to a glitch in his college records, the NCAA announced today that Cedric The Entertainer will be eligible for this years' Heisman Trophy award

Apple Computer
, in a new promotional campaign, is urging customers to purchase two Video iPods, so they can get "some really awesome stereophonic sounds"

CBS Television announced that, to boost its' ratings for Sweeps Month, CBS News Anchor Bob Schieffer will Mud Wrestle '60 Minutes' commentator CBS Andy Rooney in a Prime Time special later this month

In a stunning move, the National Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia have signed a deal with the Palestinian Authority that will have former leader Yasser Arafat replacing Juan Valdez as the groups marketing icon

U.S. United Nations Ambassador John Bolton says he's perfected his bullying and intimidation to the point where all he as to do is give someone a "laser stare to scare the jeepers out of them"

Friday, November 11, 2005

Happy Veterans Day! Friday 11 November 2005

Happy Veterans Day!

The Garlic tips its' stem to all the brave, courageous and unselfish men and woman who have given so much to our democracy.

We look forward to the day when this country won't have to produce any more veterans.


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Thursday 10 November 2005

Lobbyist Sought $15M To Introduce Bush To Cheney

New Documents Show Abramoff Peddling Secret Bunker Access, In Concert With Fallen House Leader DeLay

No sooner than a Senate committee investigating Lobbyist Jack Abramoff discovered documents that Abramoff offered Gabon President Omar Bongo an opportunity to meet with President Bush for $9-Million, more information was uncovered that President Bush was approached with the offer to meet Vice President Dick Cheney for $15-Million.

The documents show that Abramoff was responding to a group email, sent by White House Chief of Staff Andy Card, asking staffers and others if they could arrange for the President to meet with Cheney. Abramoff was not on the original distribution of the email. It was forwarded to him by Representative and former House Leader Tom DeLay, with a one-line note instructing Abramoff to "bump up the usual price".

Abramoff then responded to Card, with the $15-Million offer to set up a Bush-Cheney meeting, and added that, "for an additional $5-Million, the President can sit in on a Secret Cabal meeting."

The committee is continuing to review additional documents from Abramoff's files that point to a effort, by Abramoff and DeLay, to sell access to Cheney's Secret Bunker.

"Card and the White House Councilors slammed the door on it," offered a White House operative. "but the President was extremely excited and jumping at the chance to see Cheney's Secret Bunker."

The President and Vice President have not been seen together, or in the same room at the same time since before September 11, 2001.

The offer to President Bongo, leader of the African nation of Gabon, gave instructions to pay the money to GrassRoots Interactive, the small Maryland lobbying company that Abramoff controlled.

Bongo did meet with President Bush, in the Oval Office on May 26, 2004, 10 months after Abramoff made the offer. Nearly $3-Million flowed into Abramoff companies, or companies of Abramoff relatives, from 2003, and up to Bongo's visit.

In the offer to President Bush, Card was instructed to pay the money to, in equal amounts, to both GrassRoots Interactive and
Texans for a Republican Majority (TRMPAC), the Political Action Committee established by DeLay.

In the Abramoff files the Senate Committee is pouring there, they also discovered cryptic emails and message from I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, then the Vice President's Chief of Staff.

Libby was writing to Card, in both emails and memos, that "the rosebuds will soon be opening, if they are properly feed" and "no price is too small to learn the eternal secrets". Both Abramoff and DeLay were blind copied on the messages.

Libby has since resigned from the Vice President's office and is facing five-counts of indictment in the CIA Leak investigation.

A staff member of a Senator looking at the Abramoff information says that "there looks to be a pattern in it."

"There appears to be an attempt to create a program, with an extensive price menu, for access to Vice President Cheney's bunker," said the staffer. "They had notes on how to market this to other world leaders, corporate CEO's, what the expected give-and-take was to be and a commitment from Cheney's office that all transactions would be kept secret."

So far, there is no evidence that the Vice President shared in any of the revenues generated.

Abramoff was once was one of the most powerful lobbyists in Washington, as well as a Republican fund-raiser. He has been indicted in Florida on federal fraud charges and is also under investigation by a federal grand jury in Washington and two Senate committees.

The federal grand jury is looking to charges that Abramoff defrauded a group of Indian tribes, the Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians, for $15-Million in payments made, for lobbying work that Abramoff, and his partner, Michael Scanlon, either overcharged or never performed.

The White House issued a statement, denying that payments were made to meet with the Vice President.

Vice President Cheney's office declined comment on the charges, citing that the Vice President's "business was not up for discussion" and that the office is "concentrated on winning concessions from Capital Hill lawmakers to exempt the CIA from any bans on torture."

The White House Press Office announced today, that due to the creditability of Press Secretary Scott McClellan and the "unrelenting pounding" he has been taking, an automated toy doll will be conducting the White House Briefings "for the foreseeable future".

Top Ten Cloves: How Oil Company Executives Justified High Prices At Senate Hearing Yesterday

10. It will be on Dr. Phil's next week. We all are compulsive gamblers and we're sorry about it

9. We've set aside those profits for when President Bush gets those Private Social Security Accounts he's talked about

8. Let's see, we put in a new swimming pool, renovated the game room and did a lot of landscaping at our summer home

7. Did you see how much Jack Abramoff is charging to get access to the President?

6. We don't get two Category 5 hurricanes every year, we've got to exploit that when we can

5. We're a bunch of white guys, in our 50's, how else we going to attract younger woman if we don't have a lot of cash?

4. President Bush used to be an Oil Executive; We're just building up our campaign chests for 2008 in case we run.

3. If you think prices are high now, bust our chops some more and see just how high we can raise them

2. Until Vice President Cheney approves releasing the notes of our Energy Meetings, we can't give you any answers

1. We have to fund our research in renewable, alternative energy sources (sound of roaring laughter followed)

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Wednesday 9 November 2005

Chalabi Visit May Signal New Cabal Meeting

Group Battered By Scandals, Indictment and Torture Probes Looking To Rattle Its' Saber Again

Ahmad Chalabi, the deputy prime minister of Iraq, and former Bush Administration 'Golden Boy', arrived in Washington yesterday, for talks with American officials, and, sources tell The Garlic, to attend a Secret Cabal meeting with, among others, Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield.

The former Iraqi exile, who some deride as a modern day Harry Lime, after the corrupt and unscrupulous character of the Graham Greene novel, 'The Third Man', made famous by Orson Wells in a film of the same title, is accused by many as conning the United States into removing Sadam Hussein, of attempting to lead a coup of the new Iraqi government and, currently, is being looked at for passing along intelligence to Iran and Syria.

This has caused an ambivalent relationship with the Bush team.

His visit was coordinated with that of another top Iraqi official, Adel Abdul Mahdi. State Department spokesman Adam Ereli coolly described the occasion as "Ahmad Chalabi is the deputy prime minister of Iraq; he is an official and a representative of the government of Iraq"

'They don't know whether to piss or wind their watches when it comes to Chalabi," offered veteran independent foreign correspondent, Huntley Haverstock Jr.

Haverstock contends that Chalabi coming to the United States, at this time, signals that the Secret Cabal inside the White House is gearing up to meet again.

"They've been thrown off course the past few weeks," says Haverstock. "The disarray in the White House, the scandals and the Libby indictment has caused them to take their eyes of the ball."

Haverstock says the first clue he got as to a new Secret Cabal meeting came with Vice President Dick Cheney seeking an exemption for the CIA when it comes to banning torture.

'Cheney was putting a stake in the ground. He's getting the Cabal refocused and warming them up to rattle the sabers again."

Chalabi is the longtime head of the Iraqi National Congress, an exile group that provided information about Saddam Hussein's suspected weapons programs to the United States. Chalabi was the Bush Administrations first choice to lead the new Iraq, before the State Department, and other agencies and some allies, made charges of corruption, bank fraud, extortion and leaking intelligence.

Perhaps, says Haverstock, as a signal to the Secret Cabal, President Bush, in a stopover in Panama on Monday, on his return from the Latin America summit meetings, defended the Administration, and Military's, record and policies as to detention and interrogation methods in the war on terror. The President said, flat out, that "We do not torture."

'Cheney's likely," said Haverstock, "just bucking up the Neocon's. Whether or not the Congress passes law to ban torture, the CIA has their black site prisons very well established, so they aren't going to close those down anytime soon."

Haverstock reports that rumors are circulating the Bush Administration held a quiet, private reception for Chalabi last evening, attended only by select staff, congressional, Secret Cabal members and wealthy GOP donors.

"They said it was to raise funds for Scooter Libby's defense."

Haverstock said there's also talk that Libby will be a target of a Extraordinary Rendition, perhaps being sent to one of the CIA black sites.

"They're alittle nervous on what this guy might say, if he tries to cut a deal. You can bet that will be on the agenda of the Secret Cabal meeting."

After his stop-over in Panama, President Bush dropped into Cuba, to visit the Guantánamo Detention Camp, to engage in torturing a group of prisoners with his singing and guitar playing of the classic Led Zeppelin tune, "Stairway To Heaven".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Discussed In First Day Of White House Ethics Class

10. Hey, how come Dick Cheney isn't here?

9. Let's put Karen Hughes and Maureen Dowd in a Celebrity Death Match - Who do you think wins?

8. We can still leak classified information after this, right, then deny it and say we took this course, so everything is cool, no?

7. Ms. Miers, Andy Card is charting our answers - Is he going to use what we say in here against us?

6. I'll tell ya, if The President got into a debate, like on the West Wing the other night, none of us would be sitting here now

5. After I get my certificate, I'm going to throw it up on eBay, it will bring in thousands!

4. I have some dirty on the new Supreme Court nominee, anyone want to hear it?

3. Ms. Miers, Karl Rove is scribbling down smears about me

2. If the President comes by with some reporters, these are the questions he'll ask and these are your answers

1. Class, you're doing a helluva a job!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Tuesday 8 November 2005

Breaking News!
High Court To Hear Tribunal Case, With Extraordinary Secret Measures Taken

Session To Be Closed, In Secret Location; Cheney Office Watching As Friend of the Court

The Supreme Court yesterday agreed to hear and rule on the case of the Bush Administrations military tribunals for captured, accused terrorists and enemy combatants, setting the stage for the fulfillment of the Bush Doctrine, as well as the most significant reach of presidental war powers since World War II.

In a break from traditional court practices, the Justices will conduct the hearing in secret, and at an undisclosed location. The decision, whatever it will be, will not be announced to the public or published. There is, for the first time, a total blackout placed over a Supreme Court case.

"This is truly extraordinary," said Sonny Earl, editor of a Supreme Court newsletter that monitors the court's activities, 'OMIB" ('The Original Men In Black'). "When you look at the spectrum of cases that have come before the court, to go to these lengths, it clearly prejudices the appellent and favors the Bush position."

The case, Hamdan v. Rumsfeld , No. 05-184, is that of Osama bin Laden's former driver, Salim Ahmed Hamdan, who has appealed lower court rulings.

On Nov. 13, 2001, Bush issued a "military order" declaring that panels of military officers would try suspected terrorists for violations of the laws of war.

Hamdan's lawyers have argued that the Geneva Conventions entitles their client to an impartial hearing to determine whether he qualifies as a prisoner of war, and to a court-martial - unless he is found to be an unlawful combatant. Any trials would have to be approved by Congress's express approval, or else, Hamden's attorneys stated, they could be changed and manipulated by the president alone.

Hamdan's tribunal began in August 2004 but was halted by U.S. District Judge James Robertson in Washington. A three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, including now Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., overturned Robertson in July.

Justice Roberts has recused himself in Hamdan's appeal to the Supreme Court, setting the stage for a possible 4-4 ruling. If that were to occur, the case would revert back to the lower courts' ruling.

Chief Justice Roberts, in a brief statement, would only say that the location of the hearing is "in the United States", and "in an appropriate arena."

Since the announcement, there has been raging speculation, that the case may be hear in Vice President Cheney's Secret Bunker.

"They could be having it there," says Earl. "They have the space, and all the technology and amenities."

The Vice President's office, in, also, a brief statement, denied that the case would be held in the Secret Bunker.

David Addington, Vice President Cheney's new Chief of Staff did say that "The Vice President is watching this case with profound interest."

When questioned, Addington did admit that the Vice President's office will be present at the hearing, as a "special friend to the court."

Cheney, along with Addington the rest of the Vice President's staff is pressing lawmakers on the Hill to exclude the CIA for any torture bans they may be comtemplating.

"Between this secret hearing, and Cheney's efforts to allow the CIA to torture people," said Earl, "Hamdan better hope his lawyers win this case. If he loses, I suspect Cheney's office to write a brief to the court to hand him over - immediately - to the CIA."

In Iraq, the Al-Jazeera TV Network has gotten caught up in 'Sweeps Month' by broadcasting a Muslim-version of 'The Apprentice'.

The Grand Prize for the winning team is that they get to live.

News In Brief 8 November 2005

Vatican Sends Warning To High Court Catholic Majority

Wants Proof No Justices Are Gay; Plans On Sending Delegation To Interview Interns, Past and Present

Should President Bush's nominee, Samuel A. Alito Jr., win approval from the Senate and become an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, the high court will be comprised of five Roman Catholics, a first in the its' history.

And because of this, the Vatican today fired off a letter to Chief Justice John Roberts, seeking "a guarantee" that none of the Catholic Justices are gay.

Until 1988, there had been no more than two Catholic justices at once.

The Vatican is currently engaged in an all-out effort to rid the Catholic Church of homosexuals. They are putting considerable resources into this effort, including, as first reported by Sautéed Cloves, the weekend edition of 'The Garlic', teams with specially-trained canines that can "sniff out homosexuals, as well as forming a partnership with O.J. Simpson, to merge their two hunts.

The Vatican letter instructs that the Supreme Court is "obliged to respond and return the request information", citing an arcane Catholic Church law from the 1300's.

"The United States Supreme Court," said a Vatican spokesperson, "is a cathedral of justice and we have this law that gives the Vatican total rule over all cathedrals."

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) said he hopes the Roberts and the Supreme Court will "cooperate" with the Vatican. Santorum has previously stated he supports the Church in their efforts to root out gays.

"I would hope," said Santorum, "that there aren’t any unzipped zippers under those robes."

The Vatican has asked the Supreme Court for complete information on the Catholic Justices, and will be sending representatives to Washington, to collect the information, as well as to interview court interns.

If any information comes out in the investigation that a Supreme Court Justice is gay, the Vatican spokesperson indicated the information would be held "confidential". And if information surfaced that a Justice was an abuser of children, that would be handled discreetly as well.

"We have other churches and office that Justice could be relocated to."

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During The Riots In France

10. We should have never given up Algiers, we could have kept them all down there

9. I don’t think any Corsicans are involved, there's too much activity, and running around

8. I put the call into Karl Rove; He said, as soon as he gets indicted and resigns, he'll catch the first flight over

7. When do we want to start blaming the Americans for this?

6. See if there's any room in one of the those CIA Black Sites

5. Maybe if we give Jerry Lewis a new award, they'll calm down

4. One of their demands is that we start calling them "Allah Fries"

3. Sir, you got a telegram from President Bush offering his support …"Chirac, you’re doing a helluva job"

2. A wall to keep them out of Paris isn't such a bad idea … The Americans want to put up a wall to keep the Mexicans out

1. When do we want to start blaming Lance Armstrong for this?

Monday, November 07, 2005

Monday 7 November 2005

White House Tension Builds As Bush, Cheney Clash Over Ethics Classes

VP Wants Liddy, Magruder For Scandal Experience; President Believes Miers "Most Qualified" To Conduct Trainings

Signs that there is more tension in the White House surfaced this weekend, in a heated video telephone conference between President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

According to a source close to the administration, Cheney criticized the President for "ambushing him" from South America with the announcement of ordering mandatory Ethic Briefings for all White House staff.

The ethics presentations, beginning this week, will provide "refresher lectures on general ethics rules, including the rules of governing the protection of classified information," according to The Washington Post, who obtained a copy of the memo from a senior White House aide.

An argument ensued as Cheney allegedly told the President that "he'd handle it" and would bring in former Nixon staffers G.Gordon Liddy and Jeb Stuart Magruder to conduct the ethics classes.

President Bush objected to Cheney's suggestion, saying that White House Council Harriet Miers was "the most qualified" person to do the trainings and that he was "sticking by her this time".

"Cheney went ballistic," according to the administration source. 'He was screaming at the President, telling him that he's not interested in nice-nice, but not in those exact words. There were a lot of invectives laced in the conversation."

Cheney, reportedly, angrily told the President to "butt out and let me run this administration" before hanging up on Mr. Bush. Cheney than called White House Chief of Staff Andy Card and lashed into Card over the ethics training.

Card, along with the President and Miers reportedly decided on the ethics courses following the indictment of Cheney's Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, while at Camp David last weekend. It was determined in that meeting that Miers's office would conduct the ethics briefings.

Cheney was not briefed by the President, or anyone else in the White House, before Mr. Bush left for the summit in Argentina.

Adding to the discord between the President and Vice President, the administration source says the White House Special Council Karl Rove has reportedly stated he's skip the Miers' training and attend the Liddy-Magruder session.

Rove, it is said, continues to be under investigation by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald.

"The President is very disappointed with Rove." said the source. "But Rove is, clearly, in the position where he needs to save his behind. He doesn't have time to play around with ethics. He needs to come up with a new strategy to get himself off the hook."

The administration source told The Garlic that it was the Vice President's new Chief of Staff, David Addington, who suggested bringing in Watergate veterans Liddy and Magruder.

'Cheney's not interested in ethics or anything else. He wants to be able to conduct his business, whatever it may be, without questions or oversight. And Addington is the man, step-by-step, making sure he can do that"

Cheney was pleased with the selection of Liddy and Magruder, citing that "we'll have some people that know how to run a covert scandal."

Cheney was said to have also suggested placing another former Nixon aide, John Dean, to the team but was persuaded by Addington to drop Dean, after it became known that Liddy would "kill the bastard with my bare hands" if they were to be in the same room with each other.

Liddy, still, after 30+ years, continues to blame Dean and hold him responsible for the unraveling of the Watergate scandal.

Liddy, working with E. Howard Hunt, headed Nixon's fabled "Plumbers" and organized the break-ins of the Watergate complex, which at the time was the headquarters of the Democratic National Convention, in 1972, and Daniel Ellsberg's psychiatrist's office as Ellsberg had leaked the Pentagon Papers.

Liddy was convicted of conspiracy, burglary and illegal wiretapping, and received a 20-year sentence for his role in Watergate. He served four and a half years in prison before his sentence was commuted by President Jimmy Carter.

Magruder, working with H.R. Haldeman, worked as a Nixon aide in a variety of roles, moving from Special Assistant to managing the Committee to Re-elect the President (or CREEP, as it became known). Magruder began cooperating with the prosecutors and was allowed to plead guilty. Watergate Judge John Sirica sentenced Magruder and he served seven months of the sentence in a prison near Allenwood, Pennsylvania for his role in the Watergate burglary and cover-up.

The White House would not comment on the dispute over the ethics classes.

The Vice President's office also declined to comment, citing their focus on getting the CIA exempt from "any legislation" that would bar them from torturing captured terrorists or enemy combatants.

Both Liddy and Magruder would not confirm or deny their discussions with Cheney and Addington, or their roles in conducting any scandal training.

It is possible, according to the source, that the White House staff will receive "two ethics briefings".

"As far as I know, Miers and her staff are planning their program and Cheney isn't backing down from his."

'Too bad they didn't do this a few years ago." offered the administration source. 'Maybe Libby would have come up with a better story, or some other action, so he could have avoided being indicted."

As he awaits trial, former House Leader Tom DeLay has come to agreement with a Japanese firm to conduct his money laundering off-shore, and out of reach of the Texas prosecutor and other U.S. agencies.

Top Ten Cloves: Other CIA Secret Torture Projects

10. Andy Rooney (the 6-hour DVD of his clips are particularly effective)

9. Enron (CIA cashed out before stock plunged)

8. The 'WB"

7. The DMV Experience (was illegal up to the Patriot Act)

6. Anna Nicole Smith Press Conferences

5. Pauley Shore movies

4. The iPod Battery (Only consulted on iPod Shuffle)

3. Tucker Carlson (Just "annoying" now but not giving up on the boy)

2. Bill O'Reilly (okay, the entire Fox News Network)

1. Ourselves (Nobody knows what the hell were doing)