Friday, August 18, 2006

Breaking News! Cheney Says Vote For Lamont Helps “New Solar System-Types”

Bush To Place New Planets On Terror Watch List; No Liquid Fly Rules In Place

President Calls Them “Intergalactic-Fascists.” Says Iran May Be Continuing To Expand Its Influence

With their mantra for the Fall elections of painting the Democrats as soft on National Security, and following a stinging setback by a Detroit Federal Court yesterday, that ruled President Bush’s warrantless surveillance program is unconstitutional, the Department of Homeland Security, at the urging of the White House, will announce that three new planets named this week will be placed on the Terrorist Watch List.

According to the DHS, an increase in chatter, over telephones and on the internet, gathered by “various intelligence agencies” indicate that these three new planets - Ceres, Charon, and 2003 UB313 (or, also to be known as “Xena”) - may have ties to terrorism.

“This is about keeping us safe, and saving lives,” says DHS Chief Michael Chertoff, in the statement issued to reporters last evening. “We take all threats seriously.“

DHS, along with the TSA (Transportation Safety Administration) say that all existing travel guidelines, including the “No Liquids or Gels” rules are applicable and will be enforced for anyone traveling to the three new planets.

“We understand that there may be some inconvenience,” said Chertoff, “but with what we already know, and what we expect to learn about these three new threats, it better to be safe, than sorry.”

Bush: Must Stay Vigilant Against These New Intergalactic-Fascists

In a statement released late last evening by the White House, President Bush said that “It’s another reminder that we are at war with people, and other, unknown things, that want to hurt us, and they come from all parts of the world, and solar systems. We have to stay the course and stay vigilant against the Islamic-Fascists and now, these new Intergalactic-Fascists.”

Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R-CT) said last night that, if he is elected, by any state, he will stand behind the President as to any military action necessary against the three new planets.

Earlier, Vice President Dick Cheney, commenting on the pending action of placing the three new planets on the Terrorist Watch List, said that the “Vote for Ned Lamont that we saw recently will only encourage these solar-system-types.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who was consulted while in Pittsburgh yesterday, to address the World Affairs Council, said that "It is the nature of the enemy our country today faces -- a stateless enemy sometimes hidden in another world ... with their killing and destruction...”

Sources tell The Garlic that the White House sees that Iran may be behind the three new planets.

“This would be something, very likely, to appeal to Iran, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,” said Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century. “He had a rather cryptic posting on his new blog recently that threw a flag up to the intelligence people.”

“They’re funding Hezbollah, they’re pushing their nuclear program,” says Martins. ‘It’s not that big of a stretch to find their fingerprints on these new planets.”

Reid: Politics of Fear Again; Dems Likely To Be Branded “Cut-and-Fly”

The Democratic response was shift and to the point last evening.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) labeled the news “Hogwash”.

This president, and his administration, is, once again, playing politics with terrorism,” blasted Reid. “It’s the politics of fear ... They get slammed for their illegal wiretapping program in the morning, then, suddenly, there’s a new terror threat in the afternoon ... And if we say anything about it were weak, were soft, we don’t want a safe and secure country.”

‘What will,” added a heated Reid, “likely come next is, since these three planets are in outer space, Karl Rove will start saying that the Democrats only want to“Cut-and-Fly” and not fight the terrorists. What I say to Rove is, call me when you see the first little green man, made out of cheese, walking down the street, or riding the subway, carrying a bomb ...”

Senator Joe Biden (D-MD) said the call by the White House is “pretty fantastic”

“I mean, c’mon, half the people in Iran don’t even have cars, but they want us to believe they have a thriving space program and are funding and supporting cosmic terrorism? What’s that consist of - a dubbed version of Star Trek?”

House Speaker Denny Hastert (R-IL) released a statement saying that he’s talked with the White House and that, once Congress is back in session, new legislation will be introduced “to fight this urgent problem”.

“The President will ask for a budget increase in his Missile Defense System, and, likely, we’ll take another look at that “bubble-thing” former President Reagan wanted to put up.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) defended the administration, saying that “it’s better to be cautious and prepared than not.”

They promised me,” added Frist, “some videotapes I can review and make a better diagnosis of the situation.

The International Astronomical Union, which announced the naming of Ceres, Charon, and 2003 UB313 earlier this week, was astounded at the White House announcement.

“We’re talking about three small planets,” said an IAU spokesperson, “out there are in deep, deep, deep outer space ... We don’t have much data on them, and it will take years to get a satellite out to them to collect more, so I don’t know how these people can say what they are saying.”

The White House sees the hand of Iran in the three new planets announced this week and is adding them to the Terror Watch List

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Will Be Missed With No More Oscar Night Swag Bags

News Item: IRS Targets Award Show Goody Bags

10. Per order of President Bush, a copy of Albert Camus “The Stranger”

9. With thanks to Northwest Airlines, a booklet titled "101 Ways To Save Swag"

8. No Swag Bags, and also no liquids or gels allowed; Only bombs have already been made and are on-screen

7. Note to people who got Swag Bags last year ... You want to pay attention to those notices from Dell Computer, and return your laptops for new batteries - and yes, the new battery will need to be declared on this years taxes

6. Another gift from the President - Once Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki clears out, a week’s stay at the Crawford Ranch

5. Thanks to Mel Gibson and Haley Joel Osment, you can kiss the wine and booze goodbye

4. Special, Directors-Cut DVD of “Republicans On A Plane

3. Writing Lessons from Ann Coulter (Not sure how much their worth, but you have to accept and fight any plagiarism lawsuits without Academy assistance)

2. You could have gotten DaimlerChrysler’s “Dr. Z" as a man-servant for a week

1, In what would have been the most sought-after Swag item in years - A vial of Floyd Landis’s Testosterone

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Other Ways Senator George Allen May Have Mispronounced The Word “Mohawk”

News Item: Virginia: Much Ado About "Macaca"

10. Wetback

9. Slopehead

8. Christ Killer

7. Hoser

6. Dago

5. Camel Jockey

4. Eh-Holes

3. Shine

2. Frog

1. Dot-Head

Watch The Video of Allen Mispronouncing Mohawk

Other Reference

The Racial Slur Database



It's not known if Senator George Allen has any trouble with pronoucing the word "horse's-ass"

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Breaking News! Report Slams Seeds Of Democracy Currently Used “Worthless”

Stunning IG Reports Cites Use Of Cheap, Mail-Order Seeds Of Democracy For Iraq, Middle East

Spotlight On White House, Rumsfeld For Low-Cost Military Vision; Dirty Halliburton Water Also Cited

Coming on the heels of a budding civil war in Iraq, a fragile cease-fire between Israel and Hezbollah, and a looming deadline with Iran, a Pentagon Inspector General report, released yesterday, blasts the Department of Defense, and the White House, for using ineffective, low-quality seeds of democracy in Iraq, and elsewhere in the Middle East.

The report also highlights that not enough seeds of democracy were purchased, or employed, fitting in with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s belief in a smaller, leaner military

Additionally, the report cites that the cheap seeds of democracy, combined with the dirty Halliburton water used for irrigation in Iraq, has had “disastrous” results.

“Between Halliburton’s dirty water, and the quality of the seeds, you’d be lucky if weeds grew”, according to one section of the report.

There have been allegations that Kellogg Brown & Root, a subsidiary of Halliburton Co., both with billions-of-dollars in military contracts, provided contaminated water to U.S. Troops in Iraq.

No Mention of Seeds Used In North Korea

The report does not mention North Korea, as the scope of the Pentagon Inspector General was limited to Iraq and the Middle East

Sources in Washington speculate that the same seeds of democracy may have been used in North Korea as well.

“With the North Koreans launching rockets on July 4th,” said John Lloyd Sullivan, principal of All American Seeds, the think tank that monitors the use of seeds in political or humanitarian projects, “it’s very likely that this same batch of seeds were used - or, quite possibly, no seeds at all were planted.”

One section of the Inspector General’s report was redacted and classified, which Sullivan speculates may detail what, if any, seeds of democracy the U.S. supplied Israel in their recent battle with Hezbollah.

President Bush announced yesterday that Israel won the battle, yet Israel has some doubts and Hezbollah is making its own claims of victory

In yet another section, the Inspector General’s report said that “these seeds of democracy currently in use by the Pentagon are virtually worthless” and that “they will be, almost assuredly, not likely to sprout a single flower.”

“This is Rumsfeld and Cheney’s garden all the way”

While the Inspector General’s report does note President Bush’s frequent call for “planting the seeds of democracy” or planting the seeds of liberty”, it’s not clear if the President directly approved the use of the ineffective, low-quality seeds of democracy.

“Whether he approved them or not,” says Sullivan, “they were planted and he’s been huffing and puffing that they are growing.

“I have sources that tell me Israel knew the seeds of democracy they got were bad, and argued fervently about them with Rumsfeld and Cheney. They were blown off. This is Rumsfeld and Cheney’s garden all the way”

Sullivan says that, likely, the U.S. wanted to see the seeds in action in Lebanon, how they would take root and grow, with an eye to eventually planting them in Iran

In his new blog, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad scoffed at “the Great Satan’s seeds”, saying, “We dug up all the seeds they planted before, for the Shah. Iranian soil will reject any new seeds.”

The report also details how the Department of Defense, with a nod from the White House, went outside and around the standard purchasing procedures, to acquire the now-allegedly-tainted seeds of democracy, from an unapproved vendor, who was selling the seeds of democracy at a price “that should have raised some flags”, according to the Inspector General’s report.

When reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responded tersely.

“Oh my goodness ... You people and your ridiculous questions ... Do we plant seeds of democracy? - Yes! ... Do we water the seeds we plant? - Yes we do! ... Do we fertilize and nurture the seeds of democracy? - You bet’cha! ... Will we continue to plant seeds of democracy? - I certainly hope we do! ...”

When asked about the part of the report that cited Halliburton’s use of the dirty water, Rumsfeld remained focused and equally terse

“Look, we’re at war here,” growled the Secretary. “As you know, you water the seeds of democracy with the water you have ... Not the water you might want to have at a later time ...”

In related news, CNN Headline News Anchor Chuck Roberts is reporting that Senator Joe Lieberman (I&R-CT) said today, if his challenger, Ned Lamont, gets elected, “he’ll go around planting seeds of terrorism, just to appease his Al-Qaeda buddies.”

A Pentagon IG report today slams President Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, for using ineffective, low-quality seeds of democracy - and not enough of them - as other critics say it’s “Rumsfeld and Cheney’s garden all the way"

Top Ten Cloves: Other News Tidbits About CNN Headline News Anchor Chuck Roberts

News Item: Headline News Anchor: ‘Might Some Argue That Lamont…Is The al Qaeda Candidate?’

10. Already has had conversation about being Media Director, when Lieberman (I+R-CT) announces running for 2008 GOP Nomination for President

9. Annoyed that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's New Blog is getting more press than his own blog

8. Notes got all screwed up, after his Dell Laptop Computer blew up and bust into flames

7. As to the Lamont slam, just thought he’d give a ‘Shout Out” and try to catch the eye of the RNC’s Ken Mehlman

6. Tired of hearing about Katie Couric and her new CBS Evening News anchor job, so decided he’d pump himself up and make his own headlines

5. Told CNN President Jonathan Klein that he got head-butted by Zinedine Zidane just before he went on the air

4. Can back-up that “Ned Lamont is Al-Qaeda’s candidate” - Has the Reuters photograph that proves it

3. Just really bitter that Wolf Blitzer hasn’t used him at all for the Situation Room program

2. Swears President Bush added a Signing Statement to his news copy

1. Owes Ned Lamont an apology and correction; Lamont not Al-Qaeda’s candidate, he’s Hezbollah’s!

Chuck Roberts said that he acted out due to he was tired of hearing about Katie Couric and her new CBS Evening News anchor job, so decided he’d pump himself up and make his own headlines

Monday, August 14, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Surprising Things About Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's New Blog

News Item: Guess Who's Starting To Blog?

10. Just started this blog and already getting requests from people to join as co-blogger ... One guy, from a place called the Lincoln Group has been very persistent

9. Privately, laments that he wasn’t asked to be on this years’ “Dancing With The Stars

8. Was thinking about starting a ‘Tour de Tehran, to boost the economy, but worried about negative press over doping and Floyd Landis

7. The Great Satan can call me all the names he wants, but, let’s see, who took a 10-Day vacation while everything over here was getting worse?

6. Promises to attend next year’s YearlyKos Convention

5. Knows it will surprise a lot of people, but was behind Ned Lamont from the very beginning

4. I am surprised to find the Blogosphere very friendly ... Recently made a new friend - a Prince from Nigeria, who wants me to use my influence to help him get back his family’s fortune

3. Still checking into it ... I know many of you asked if I will be live-blogging when I go on Hajj this year, but not sure it will be kosher ... Err .. You know what I mean

2. Wishes he could quit day job to blog fulltime

1. Hmmm ... Making money from blogging ... I could speed up the process and go with BlogAds, then order the entire country to click on them ...

Now that he’s blogging, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says you can count on him attending next years’ YearlyKos Convention

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 13 August 2006

Ripped from the headlines is the announcement that actors Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock will reprise their roles as Officer Jack Traven and Annie Porter, respectively, and star in Speed III, being rushed into production and due for a Christmas release date

The storyline has Ms. Bullock being forced to take over the controls of a jumbo jet crossing the Atlantic Ocean, rigged with a terrorist bomb, unknowingly made from shampoo taken from Ms. Bullock’s carry-on bag, and that will detonate if she flies the jet below 600MPH

Mr. Reeves will spend much of the film, attached to the belly of the jet, attempting to defuse the bomb

In related news, also from the headlines, the Department of Homeland Security announced that they will be issuing new guidelines for evacuation procedures during hurricanes. Under the new rules, evacuees will not be able to carry any bottles or containers of liquids with them, for fear they may attempt to build and unleash their own hurricane

News leaks are reporting that a rift developed between the United Stares and
England, over the latest terrorist plot. Sources say arguments developed over the timing of the arrests of the suspects, as well as fear, by the Brits, that U.S. officials would leak the plans

A compromise was reached, as to the announcement of the arrests, when British MI5 officials advised their U.S. counterparts to “look for the Santa Claus toting a zebra past a green-uniformed man” for news that the mission was in-motion

Very quietly, the Department of Defense, as a means to offset the massive costs of occupying
Iraq, has begun a program of Product Placements to generate additional revenues. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is shown here at a recent press conference, sponsored by Chrysler

With a United Nations resolution passed, and a Cease-Fire imminent, perhaps as soon as Monday,
Israel is claiming victory in diminishing Hezbollah’s capacity to wage war. The IDF released photos this morning, showing that what remains of Hezbollah has been reduced to lobbing darts into Northern Israel

With Immigration and Border Control still on the agenda of the Republican Congress, Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) is pushing for a new “Spaghetti Wall” defense along the border, saying the long strands of starchy pasta slow down the illegals crossing over and that, for those choosing to eat the wall, Tancredo offered that “we catch them napping, about an hour later”

Reports are coming out of Cuba that that the illness of Fidel Castro was a ruse, and that the aging dictator “kidnapped” himself, as a means to get back in the international headlines, so dominated by war and terrorism

Don't Say You Weren't Warned About The October Surprise ... Poll The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll August 6 - August 12 2006

Overwhelmingly, according to our Garlic Poll Voters this past week, come October, Cindy Sheehan and Congressman John Murtha best don plastic raincoats and helmets, as Mel Gibson, Karl Rove, Ken Mehlman, and likely that new, Independent candidate, Joe Loserman, err, Lieberman (I&R -CT) will be hurling their brand of politics at them ...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll August 6 - August 12 2006

To ward off the predicted disastrous Mid-Term Elections, in which the Republicans are said will lose the majority in the House, and possibly in the Senate as well, Karl Rove and the RNC’s October Surprise will likely be...

1. A new, bizarre drunken outburst from Mel Gibson, but this time, claiming the Congressman John Murtha is hiding gay terrorists, burning a flag and conducting stem cell research on Cindy Sheehan’s new property in Texas 43%

2. Convincing Joe Lieberman to drop his run as an Independent, but stay in the race as a Republican 30%

3. The firing of White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, replacing him with Chrysler’s Dr. Z 19%

4. The withdrawal of troops from Iraq, and redeploying them in Cuba 9%

This week’s Poll - We shouldn’t be surprised this week, when the White House, and RNC, releases information that the new British Terrorist suspects...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

According to our Garlic Poll Voters last week, both Cindy Sheehan, and John Murtha, will be elements of the RNC's October Surprise