Thursday, February 08, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Tim Russert Didn't Ask Scooter Libby About Joe Wilson and His Wife

News Item: Washington Journalism on Trial

10. Thinks Libby's call came in after five o'clock and, hey, that's quittin' time and I'm outta here

9. Was so excited that the chief of staff of the vice president of the United States was on the telephone, just tried to hurry Libby off the phone, so he could call "Big Russ" and tell him about it

8. Was concentrating on Libby dissing Chris Matthews, so he could get it right and start spreading office gossip

7. The little "Scoop" light on this telephone must not have been working that day

6. Got lost in thought during the Libby call, that, if he had refused to testify and got thrown in jail, would Libby write him a note and tell him that he misses seeing Russert on televison and that the "aspens are turning"

5. Can only ask tough questions, in the studio, with a big monitor superimposed behind him, displaying callers previous statements

4. Was afraid that if he asked too many questions, he'd have to face Mary Matalin the next day

3. Swore that he thought the call was from Tom Brokaw, pulling a gag on him

2. Feared Cheney might be listening in on an extension and didn't want to blow MTP bookings

1. Was totally preoccupied with getting some stubborn blue ink off of his little white board

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Libby Trial Update - The Scooter and Cheney Show Theme Song

This is becoming like a huge, gigantically-oversized TIVO machine, with both electronic and human parts.

One end of town, you have the White House, and Vice President's Office, going about their business of continuing the big lie and pushing the escalation of the occupation of Iraq, while at the other end, you have the audiotapes of former Assistant to the President and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby being played in open court, with the Scooter squirming and spilling of what was going on behind the scenes, to sell the above-referenced occupation of Iraq.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

So, we reach back to the delicious sit-com of the mid-1960's, The Patty Duke Show, to borrow their zany opening theme song and give it, as a gift, to the dynamic duo.

The Scooter and Cheney Show

Meet Scooter, who's leaked most everywhere,
From Zanzibar to You-Know-Where.
But Cheney's only seen the lights.
A Neocon can with preemptive rights
What a crazy pair!

But they're conspirators
Identical conspirators all the way.
One pair of matching liars,
Different as night and day.

Where Scooter adores his sobriquet,
The aspens turning, a literary vignette,
Our Cheney loves to Shock and Awe,
A Bunker Buster drops his jaw --
What a wild duet!

Still, they're conspirators,
Identical conspirators and you'll find,
They leak alike, they gossip alike,
At times they even lie alike

You can lose your mind,
When conspirators are two of a kind.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Reverend Ralph Verified Tim Haggard Was "Completely Heterosexual"

News Item: Haggard now "completely heterosexual"

10. Plans on getting the Miller Lite Men in the Square Room to rescind and ban that it’s it’s okay to get a massage and do crystal meth with a gay male escort

9. Has blocked and filtered straight to Junk Mail any IM's or E-Mails from MAF54 on his Blackberry

8. Keeps watching the Paris Hilton Anti-Gay and Racial Slurs Video over-and-over

7. Loved the Snickers Super Bowl Commercial; Ripped his own chest hair out while watching it

6. Watched while Haggard threw away all his "Will and Grace" videos

5. Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video

4. According to wife, "Ted's a very, very romantic guy. We love watching 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Can you imagine my big testosterone-factor husband doing that?"

3. Put him in a room, one-on-one, with Isiah Washington and Washington, not once, hurled any homophobic insults at him

2. President Bush helped; It wasn't "urges" that Haggard was seeking to act on, but he was getting the calling for "surges"

1. Haggard has new admission - He wants to have an affair with Gavin Newsom's campaign manager's wife

According to Reverend Ralph, Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video, proving his heterosexuality

Monday, February 05, 2007

Flutie Sends "Cease-and-Desist" Letter To Media Over 'Hail Mary' References Regarding Surge

Diminutive QB Longtime Copyright Holder; "It Still Feeds My Family"; Says Open To Negotiate On Usage

Using the big bully pulpit of Super Bowl XVI, former NFL Quarterback Doug Flutie said that he has begun sending out "Cease-and-Desist" letters to the media - newspapers, magazines, television, cable, blogs and zines - regarding their usage of the term "Hail Mary Pass" in describing the Bush Administration's Iraq Occupation and escalation policies.

"It still feeds my family,' said the diminutive Flutie, a Heisman Trophy winner, who toiled for 21 seasons in professional football, first in the Canadian Football League, for eight-years, before entering into the NFL.

Flutie retired after the 2005 season, at age 43, from the New England Patriots. In the final game of the season, Flutie "dropped kicked" a field goal, the first such feat in the NFL since 1941.

Flutie is most associated with the "Hail Mary Pass" for leading a stirring comeback, in 1984

With his Boston College team trailing Miami 45-41, and only six-seconds remaining in the game, Flutie heaved his Hail Mary Pass towards the end zone. The ball sailed over a group of defenders and into the arms of BC receiver Gerald Phelan for the win.

Since that moment, the term "Hail Mary Pass" has been used frequently and often, in the context of football games and some other sporting events, but only very recently has been applied to politics.

Flutie, at a beach front press conference said that with the "explosion" of usage of the "Hail Mary Pass" phrase coming out of Washington, he had to take action.

"It's just like the music downloading," said Flutie. "If you don't own the copyright, it's not yours to use."

The term, along with the word "surge" began last month, in the days before President Bush's "New Way Forward" speech to the nation, when White House staff began leaking out portions of the President's new policy.

In a study conducted by the Project for Excellennce In Journalism, the phrase 'Hail Mary Pass" showed up in over 330 stories during the week of January 10-17. The word "Surge", according to the study, appeared in 18,118 stories, followed at a distance by
the word “escalate” or “escalation,” with 10,112 placements.

"I've seen the PEJ Study," offered Flutie, "and it was a key factor in directing my attorneys to take this action. If someone wants to make me an offer, I'll listen"

Flutie admitted that it is likely, at some point, for someone to come along and throw a better "Hail Mary Pass" but that "I want to see that done on the field, not just mouthing off in a newspaper."

"You've also been slinging around the "Hail Maliki Pass" (227 stories according to the PEJ Study) ... Now, it's up to President Maliki if he wants to join my call, but it's also pretty disingenuous to use it ... I mean, I didn't see Baghdad University ever put out a football team and I don't remember seeing President Maliki beat Miami with a last-second touchdown pass."

Flutie's Miracle in Miami

Excuse Me Congressman, That's My Lawn Chair You're Stepping On ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Okay, we may have spiked the choices last week, with the "Old White Guys Caucus", but, hey, it was too obvious - and juicy - to pass up.

As to Congressman Tancredo, what can you say? At least he didn't gush that the Black and Hispanic Caucuses were "clean and articulate".

With his buddy, Duncan "We'll-Build-A-Wall-To-Keep-Them-Out" Hunter already announcing he's running for President. already announcing he's running for President, may the Colorado representative, who's only thinking about running, is just floating out some new ideas, giving the Immigration issue to Chez Hunter.

The voters in the Garlic's Weekly Poll last week went with the Lawn Chair Militia, and they'll probably scatter into the Capital just as soon as they return from their Super Bowl patrol, with Congressman Tancredo.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll January 28 - February 3, 2007

If Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) can't, as he hopes he can, abolish race-based caucuses, he'll likely ...

1. Hire the Arizona Minuteman to sit near the Black and Hispanic Caucus Rooms in lawn chairs Tally 37%

2. Start an "Old White Guys" Caucus (not to be mistaken for the Congress itself) Tally 33%

3. Submit legislation to build a 700-mile wall around them Tally 30%

This week’s Poll - President Bush's attendance and speech at the Democratic Retreat this past weekend may be that ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote