Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Voter Value Summit

News Item: Evangelicals Gather at Summit

10. Think any of these new guys running will pick up where Ralph Reed left off, and get us back into the casino business?

9. I know he gives us good coverage, but we've put up a lot with O'Reilly ... The Loofahs ... The Harlem restaurant ... We have to draw the line with this business of being in love with Matt Damon

8. Go out in the parking lot and see for yourself ... Romney brought his dog and it's strapped to the roof of his car!

7. I thought this was going to be another Justice Sunday?

6. We're going to have to speak to Roger Ailes, about getting wholesome, church-going girls on that new business thing he's doing

5. Somebody said Ted Haggard's masseuse was here ... Do you know where can I find him?

4. The discount coupons for the Creation Museum were supposed to be in the registration packages, not given to the Huckabee campaign!

3. I heard, for the big finale today, Pat Robertson is going to debut a new curse against the liberals ... Maybe even smote a few

2. Good thing the Yankees were knocked out of the playoffs, so that it didn't present a schedule conflict for Giuliani

1. Nice they set up a Jesus Camp, so we could bring the kids


Somebody said Ted Haggard's masseuse was here ... Do you know where can I find him?

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Reverend Ralph Verified Tim Haggard Was "Completely Heterosexual"

News Item: Haggard now "completely heterosexual"

10. Plans on getting the Miller Lite Men in the Square Room to rescind and ban that it’s it’s okay to get a massage and do crystal meth with a gay male escort

9. Has blocked and filtered straight to Junk Mail any IM's or E-Mails from MAF54 on his Blackberry

8. Keeps watching the Paris Hilton Anti-Gay and Racial Slurs Video over-and-over

7. Loved the Snickers Super Bowl Commercial; Ripped his own chest hair out while watching it

6. Watched while Haggard threw away all his "Will and Grace" videos

5. Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video

4. According to wife, "Ted's a very, very romantic guy. We love watching 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Can you imagine my big testosterone-factor husband doing that?"

3. Put him in a room, one-on-one, with Isiah Washington and Washington, not once, hurled any homophobic insults at him

2. President Bush helped; It wasn't "urges" that Haggard was seeking to act on, but he was getting the calling for "surges"

1. Haggard has new admission - He wants to have an affair with Gavin Newsom's campaign manager's wife














According to Reverend Ralph, Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video, proving his heterosexuality

Top Ten Cloves: Ways James Dobson Will Cure Ted Haggard And Offer "Spiritual Restoration"

News Item: James Dobson, 2 Mega-Church Pastors To Lead Haggard's "Spiritual Restoration"...

10. Immediately, have him take down his MySpace profile, “LonelyPastor15”

9. Movie Intervention - Entire weekend viewing of the complete DVD Library of John Wayne films

8. Can you say NASCAR?

7. Lots of appearances on Dr. Laura’s radio show

6. Mandatory attendance at the next Liberty Sunday event

5. Before NFL season ends, have Haggard do Desperate Housewives commercial with Nicolette Sheridan in towel

4. New attire - Plaid Shirts, Chino Pants, Mac Truck Hats and a big, ol’ wad of chaw stuck in his cheek

3. Just in case, have Pat Robertson work up one of his special curses, and have it ready

2. Need to go all the way back to the beginning; Sentence Haggard to a summer at Jesus Camp

1. If all else fails, pay-off Miller Lite to get the men in the Square Room to pass a new Man Law, that it’s okay to get a massage and do crystal meth with a gay male escort

Spiritual Restoration or Man Law lies at the end of Ted Haggard's road