Saturday, October 21, 2006

World Series Prompts More Baseball Letters

It seems, with the baseball playoffs, now concluded, and the World Series starting up tonight, a number of visitors have visited The Garlic, to bone-up on the Special Essay we published this past Spring, and read “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?”.

As you can see (with links below), we’ve gotten quite a few letters on the piece, a new batch has flowed in this week and we’ll share a few with you ... Enjoy!

Maf54: Dear Garlic
Maf54: I just recently had the time, and opportunity to read your baseball piece ...
Maf54: You like baseball, don’t you?
Maf54: Do you like those cute batboys? ...
Maf54: Or Is it the tight uniforms? I like the tight uniforms.
Maf54: And those big bats ...
Maf54: Do you have a big bat?
Maf54: How old are you?...
Maf54: Maybe, we can get together, with both of us wearing tight baseball uniforms and we can both bring our big bats ...
Maf54: Would you like to do that?



Just read your Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball? ... Impressive ... You must have done a lot of research for it.

Can you tell me, in your research, did you discover if any of the baseball players were married to each other? If so, get in touch with me. We’d like to document that information for a project we’re working on.

All The Best
Tony Perkins
Family Research Council

Dear The Garlic

Great baseball piece ... Sure took the sting out of watching the FBI raid my daughter’s house...

Rep. Curt Weldon (R-PA)

Dear Garlic

First off, sorry for this note, in the margins of the New York Times... Just an old habit of mine.

Really enjoyed Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball? ...

My aide, David Addington read it also and believes we can cite the Infield Fly Rule as our position to the courts for keeping our Visitor Logs private.

Thanks for the tip

Richard B. Cheney

Vice President, United States of America


Just read your baseball piece.

Got an idea for you, that will help you get boatloads of free publicity for it.

Just plug in pictures of Osama bin Laden, and some other terrorists and make up some vague threat about how they’re going to blow-up baseball or something and blame the Democrats. Then all the news and cable news outlets will do stories on you and the baseball piece.

Let me know if you need any help with it

Ken Mehlman
Chairman, Republican National Committee

Dear The Garlic

This letter is to inform you that your writing, Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?, will be included in an amendment that we submit to the court, as part of the $5.5-Million settlement matter. We need to clarify to the courts, and add that I didn’t beat any baseball players either.

Rep. Don Sherwood (R-PA)

Dear Garlic

That is a great baseball piece you have there. I like it so much, I think I will mail out another letter, to let all the Hispanics know about it (You know how much they love baseball).

Tan D. Nguyen (R-CA)
Candidate For Congress

Links To More

Read “Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?”

Look What They're Saying! Readers Write In On Baseball Piece

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece: Look What They're Saying Redux!

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece

Friday, October 20, 2006

Top Ten Cloves: Tactic Changes Generals Plan On Telling President Bush He Has To Make In Iraq

News Item: Major Change Expected In Strategy for Iraq War

10. Order NBC hold off on the cuts, bring back “Must-See-TV” and we get, at least, one night of the week to calm things down

9. Lets sweet talk Madonna, or Angelina Jolie into adopting the entire countryand let it all be their problem to deal with

8. Get the Freak Show in gear and just call it “Cut and Consult”

7. Pay off some young Iraqi teenage boys to say that National Assembly members have been sending them inappropriate instant messages and use that, on moral grounds, to leave the country

6. Stage a photo of some Iraqis, with purple fingers and have Lincoln Group put out the story we’ve been voted to leave the country

5. Don’t worry, you can count on Fox News saying it was a victory

4. We put Halliburton in charge of the water for the entire country ... They all get sick and the violence drops off

3. Okay, we lob a Scud missile into Israel, plant claims from the insurgents for it, and then just stand back and watch the Israeli Army mop up the country

2. Now that you’ve signed the Military Commission Act of 2006, let’s reopen Abu Ghraib and really lay it on these yokels

1. Ahhh, Mr. President ... Maybe you should, officially, take Iraq off the Axis of Evil List ... They could be a good first step ...

Will President Bush be "Cutting and Consulting" when it comes to attempting to save his Iraq Policy?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Developing Story: White House, CIA Start Selling ‘Defeat The Threat’

With New Detainee Bill Signed, White House Fires Out RFP’s For Secret Prison Franchises

Program, Once Stalled, Primed To Flourish Legally; Renditions Downgraded From “Extraordinary” To “Standard”

The White House, sources tell The Garlic, has wasted little time to ramp up it’s Secret Prison Program, busily, since mid-afternoon yesterday, after President Bush signed into law the Military Commissions Act of 2006, firing by fax and email, Request For Proposals to dozen of countries - including some on the Terror Watch and Axis of Evil Lists - to buy into franchises for the President’s most valuable tool in fighting terror.

The Military Commissions Act of 2006 allows a high level of torture practices and all but ignores the Geneva Convention provisions. The government can also use classified information against suspected terrorists, without having to share that information, and Habaes Corpus has been eliminated, leaving someone designated by the President as a terrorist or enemy combatant without the recourse of a hearing to find out about, or refute, the charges against them.

The title of the RFP is reported to be “Defeat The Threat”, culled from comments the President made during the signing of the bill, when he said “With the distance of history, the questions will be narrowed and few: Did this generation of Americans take the threat seriously, and did we do what it takes to defeat that threat?”

The White House, and the Central Intelligence Agency, according to the RFP, will oversee all franchises, with the CIA taking the responsibility for “advising” the employees of the Secret Prison Franchise. There are provisions for countries with the experience of running Secret Prisons, or with a history of advanced Torture Programs, to seek a waiver from certain trainings by the CIA, as mandated by the Franchise agreement.

RFP Downgrades Renditions, Saving U.S. Millions In Fuel, Transportation Costs

The ‘Defeat The Threat’ RFP is being hailed as one of the more progressive programs the Bush Team has put out to-date.

“They’re not staying the course with this one,”, offered Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em'

Since the program was first exposed, by The Washington Post’s Dana Priest, back last November, and cooling off that followed, the White House, according to Larson, was recalculating and retooling the program all along, right up to the time, last month, when the President admitted knowledge of the Secret Prison Program.

“With having it all under the cover of the law, being legal, they’ve really put together a good, tight package,” said Larson.

Gone are the “extraordinary renditions”, where a terrorist, or someone deemed an enemy combatant, was swooped off the streets and flown, by private jet, to an undisclosed Secret Prison.

All the extraordinary renditions have been downgraded to “standard”, says Larsen, and the RFP stipulates, in most cases, the Secret Prison Franchisee will pick up the costs of transporting the enemy combatant, or whoever President Bush has placed into the ‘Defeat The Threat’ program.

“With this all legal now,” added Larsen, “Heck, they can fly these guys in coach. The U.S. is going to save millions ... They can funnel that money into anything they want ... Develop new torture practices ... Buy better music systems to blare in their cells ... Whatever they want ...”

Strict Controls, With President Signaling Daily Torture Levels

The “Defeat The Threat” RFP gives absolute and strict control of the program to the White House, and CIA. Secret Prison franchise owners will not be allowed to improvise or freelance any torture practices.

A new ‘Torture Level’, color-coded chart will be implemented, with the determination of what color-level Secret Prison Franchisees can engage in the torture practices of that day, directly from the President. The ‘Torture Level Chart’ will be comparable to the Terror Alert Chart, and the Pandemic Alert Chart.

The colors used with the Torture Level Chart are classified and will be known only between the White House, CIA and Secret Prison Franchisee owners. It may also be that certain franchises will have different levels on different days, according to the laws of their countries they are located in.

“Who’s Who” Of Torturers In Line For Franchises

The White House would not release what countries the “Defeat The Threat” RFP, however sources close to the program say that it’s a “Who’s Who” of infamous torturers.

“A lot of the guys that were involved in the Secret Prison program when it was illegal have first dibs,” offered one source, who is close to the CIA.

“Now that it is legal,” said the source, “some of the all-star torturers will be coming back ... Guys that, maybe, retired due to all the laws piled up against them ... Guys that were on the wrong side of coup attempts ... It will be a pretty unsavory crowd, but then again, they’ve all been in bed with the CIA before ... it will end up being like a class reunion ...”

The Garlic is still attempting to confirm rumors that the Halliburton Corporation may end up as the largest holder of Secret Prison franchises, under their “No Bid Contract” arrangement with the Bush Administration.

More as this story develops

Within minutes, sources say, of President Bush signing the Military Commissions Act of 2006, the White House begain firing out Request For Proposals, for their now-legal Secret Prison Program

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons President Bush Stressed Defense In New National Space Policy

News Item: Bush Sets Defense As Space Priority

10. Gets to wear his flightsuit whenever he holds press conferences on National Space Program

9. Wants to deploy that Mosquito-like device to really influence world events

8. “Putting weapons up there will just be a comma in the history of outer space”

7. Need to keep pressure on those three new planets that he added to Terror Watch List

6. Space might me a good location for new Super Secret CIA Prisons

5. Gets to recycle Karl Rove’s smears in Klingon

4. ‘Better to fight them up there, than down here”

3. Got a lot of good ideas from the would-be inventors who responded to his State of the Union call to “break the addiction”

2. Needs to give Vice President Cheney something new to obfuscate about for the final two-years of administration

1. Looking to change his, and GOP’s, luck - Will go with anything that takes North Korea, Iraq, Foley, and Abramoff out of the headlines before the Midterms

With stressing Defense in the new National Space Policy, President Bush will get to wear his flightsuit more often, as well as recycle Karl Rove’s smears, in Klingon

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Minced Garlic - Keith Olbermann New Special Comment On 'Beginning of the end of America'

For, on this first full day that the Military Comm
issions Act is in force, we now face what our ancestors faced, at other times of exaggerated crisis and melodramatic fear-m

A government more dangerous to our liberty, than is the enemy it claims to protect us from.

On a day that found The Garlic into Day Thr
ee of a major allergy siege, nothing was more refreshing than, yet another, shining Special Comment by MSNBC’s ‘Countdown’ hero- - anchor, Keith Olbermann.

Tonight’s spot-on delivery by Olbermann was 'Beginning of the end of America', the absolutely black cloud of President Bush’s push and, now, signing of the Military Commission Act of 2006.

“With the distance of history, the questions will be narrowed and few: Did this generation of Americans take the threat seriously, and did we do what it takes to defeat that threat?”

Wise words.

And ironic ones, Mr. Bush.

Your own, of course, yesterday, in signing the Military Commissions Act.

You spoke so much more than you know, Sir.

Sadly—of course—the distance of history will recognize that the threat this generation of Americans needed to take seriously was you.

Olbermann, for the past week, or so, has done what our elected Congress has not done ... What our elected Senate has not done and what most of the free press here in America has not done...

That is, to point how, in getting his torture-authorizing, Geneva Convention-ignoring Detainee Bill passed, and the President’s boastful signing of it yesterday (in which, he continued to paint his lies, a subject of earlier Olbermann Special Comments - links below), how it not only denies rights to terrorists or “enemy combatants” but puts every single American in jeopardy as well.

As Olbermann bellowed a number of times, Congress, as well as a complacent media and population, has given the President a “blank check”

We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who has said it is unacceptable to compare anything this country has ever done to anything the terrorists have ever done.

We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who has insisted again that “the United States does not torture. It’s against our laws and it’s against our values” and who has said it with a straight face while the pictures from Abu Ghraib Prison and the stories of Waterboarding figuratively fade in and out, around him.

We have handed a blank check drawn against our freedom to a man who may now, if he so decides, declare not merely any non-American citizens “unlawful enemy combatants” and ship them somewhere—anywhere -- but may now, if he so decides, declare you an “unlawful enemy combatant” and ship you somewhere - anywhere.

And if you think this hyperbole or hysteria, ask the newspaper editors when John Adams was president or the pacifists when Woodrow Wilson was president or the Japanese at Manzanar when Franklin Roosevelt was president.

And if you somehow think habeas corpus has not been suspended for American citizens but only for everybody else, ask yourself this: If you are pulled off the street tomorrow, and they call you an alien or an undocumented immigrant or an “unlawful enemy combatant”—exactly how are you going to convince them to give you a court hearing to prove you are not? Do you think this attorney general is going to help you?

This President now has his blank check.

He lied to get it.

He lied as he received it.

Is there any reason to even hope he has not lied about how he intends to use it nor who he intends to use it against?

Links To More

Read 'Beginning of the end of America'; Olbermann addresses the Military Commissions Act in a special comment

Crooks and Liars has the video - Countdown Special Comment: Death of Habeas Corpus: “Your words are lies, Sir.”

Read or watch the video - The death of habeas corpus - Olbermann: ‘The president has now succeeded where no one has before’

Transcript: On Tuesday, "Countdown" host Keith Olbermann talked to Jonathan Turley, a constitutional law professor at George Washington University about a new bill signed by President Bush that redefines the right of habeas corpus.

The Garlic’s Top Ten Cloves: In Words, What America Means Now To The International Community

Other Minced Garlic’s - Keith Olbermann Special Comments

  • Minced Garlic ... Keith Olbermann Special Comment - Feeling morally, intellectually confused?
  • Minced Garlic - New Keith Olbermann Special Comment - Bush Owes Us An Apology
  • Minced Garlic Redux! ... New Keith Olbermann Special Comment, - 'Have you no sense of decency, sir?' This Time, Slapping Down The Decider, Himself
  • Minced Garlic Trois - Special September 11th Special Comment By Keith Olbermann: “This Hole In The Ground”
  • Minced Garlic: Another Stellar Keith Olbermann Special Comment - “A special comment about lying”
  • Tuesday, October 17, 2006

    Top Ten Cloves: Some Of The Lobbying Techniques White House Is Using To Aid Guatemala Gaining U.N. Security Council Seat

    News Item: Venezuela Is Denied Security Council Seat; New Vote Scheduled Today as Intensive Campaign Fails to Win Two-Thirds of Ballots

    10. President Bush personally telephoned voting countries, reminding them that the Axis of Evil list can easily be expanded

    9. To get Mexico’s vote, suggested they could cut down border fence to, say, 500-miles?

    8. Threatened, to replace John Bolton with Tom DeLay to U.N. and have him hammer out the votes for Guatemala

    7. Rounding up a bunch of retired Venezuelan Generals to criticize and call for Hugo Chavez’s resignation

    6. Offered to outsource Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld to any country, and have them smear their opposition

    5. Mysteriously, and only to the Arab League nations, cartoons depicting Allah, on Venezuelan Diplomatic letterhead, showed up in mail boxes this morning

    4. Sent copies of DVD to all voting countries, of Hugo Chavez impersonator calling their leaders “The Devil”

    3. Offered live, closed-circuit satellite feed of President Bush signing Military Commissions Act of 2006, and dangled franchise rights to new, secret CIA Prisons in exchange for vote

    2, Pinned blame for Foley Page Scandal on Venezuela, intimating Venezuelan diplomats doing similar things with U.N. pages

    1. Working with Guatemala, laid out plan that, if balloting doesn’t end soon, will make motion to bring in Diebold Voting Machines

    To keep Hugo Chavez and Venezuela from attaining a U.N. Security Council seat, President Bush has threatened, to replace John Bolton with Tom DeLay to U.N. and have him hammer out the votes for Guatemala

    Monday, October 16, 2006

    Breaking News! Back To The Drawing Board For Security Council

    New Problem As Jong Il Issues “Korean-Style” Signing Statement To Invalidate U.N. Sanctions

    U.S. Irate But Must Abstain Due To Conflict of Interest; North Korea Also To Start Page Program For Potential Scandal

    A new crisis has enveloped the White House, as, in rejecting the United Nations Security Council sanctions voted last Saturday, Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader issued “Signing Statements” this morning that invalidate the sanctions and allow him to act freely in interpreting the rules, as he sees fitting his own agenda.

    U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, was livid, first at the brazen disregard of the Security Council by Jong Il, then, after being informed that the United States would have to abstain from further discussion and debate on the matter, due to the conflict of interest it presents, namely, President Bush’s extensive and profound use of Signing Statements.

    Bolton, red-faced, brushed past reporters after being asked to leave the Security Council chamber, barking at an aide, however he refused comment to the shouted questions from the media throng.

    Did Rice’s Comments ‘Embolden” The North Koreans?

    Also refusing comment as the State Department, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

    Just last week, Rice praised the success of the Bush Administration’s ‘Axis of Evil’ program in relation to North Korea testing a nuclear device, calling it “wildly successful” that North Korea was exhibiting the characteristic rogue behavior.

    It’s not clear if Jong Il’s use of Signing Statements falls within the ‘Axis of Evil’ program, or if North Korea is improvising, feeling emboldened by Rice’s comments.

    This all goes back, says John Lloyd Sullivan, principal of ‘All American Seeds’, the think tank that monitors the use of seeds in political or humanitarian projects, “to the Inspector General’s report earlier this year. These people have no strategies ... No plan ... And they have no seeds to plant in North Korea, if that’s what they are thinking about.”

    Rice attempted to backtrack today, warning Iran that the sanctions issued against North Korea should serve as notice to abandon their own nuclear ambitions.

    “Bush Dug This Hole And Rove Was Holding The Shovel”

    Perhaps, more than Secretary Rice, the White House has been put in a box, by the alleged actions of top Bush aide, Karl Rove, as well as the President’s habitual use of Signing Statements.

    Last Friday, a bombshell was dropped, with reports that Rove has been boasting the North Korean nuclear test was “his work”, this year’s “October Surprise

    More than Rove shining his own apple, it is President Bush that may come to feel the brunt of International outrage.

    Since taking office in 2000, Bush as issued well over 700 Signing Statements, at the urging of Vice President Dick Cheney, and longtime Cheney aide, David Addington. In citing elements of the Constitution, it is Cheney and Addington’s philosophy that the President’s office have virtually unchecked and unfettered authority, essentially ignoring the other two wings of the government - Congress and the Judiciary.

    “This is likely to develop into a new trend,” offered Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em'.

    “You’ll see others ... be it terrorists, rogue nations, perhaps even some of our friends and allies, use their own version of Signing Statements to push back against U.S. policy. They’ll just stand up and say “Hey, we don’t have to do that’ and what will our response be?”

    "Bush dug this hole," added Larson, "and Rove was holding the shovel."

    Signals From Pyongyang?

    For the North Korean leader to issue a Signing Statement is, for all practical matters, redundant, having issued a terse denunciation of the sanctions. Being that Jong Il issues the edicts and laws of the country, there are little, to no consequences inside North Korea as to implementing the Signing Statement

    And it is not known if Jong Il was being serious or not, with the statement issued by the North Koreans, which read in part that “we wish to use this time to endeavor to be a good world citizen, and will employ more of the Western governmental practices of other nations to help us in our cause.”

    Sources close to the North Korean delegation to the United Nations say that Jong Il, in addition to employing Signing Statements, has given signals that the government in Pyongyang will launch a “Page Program”, to further emulate Western-style governments. The goal, sources say is that, hopefully, the North Korean Page Program will break into a scandal, which will offer further proof of the North Korean’s desire to join the ranks of world citizenry.

    Other then saying that the North Koreans’ actions are “unacceptable”, there was no further comment from the White House.

    President Bush's profound and extensive use of Signing Statements has come back to haunt him

    Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At “Liberty Sunday” Last Night

    News Item: Broadcast condemns same-sex marriage

    10. Chris Shays sent his regrets ... Nice of Shays to go out on a limb, issuing a statement that Gay Marriage is more about pornography than marriage...

    9. Good to see the Graham people here ... That they didn’t get confused like they did last year

    8. How’s Scalia coming with that ““No Pink Robes” thing?

    7. He’s with us on the gay stuff ... But, you know, I don’t know where Romney comes down on Polygamy

    6. People don’t believe that God is with us ... Just look at what happened in Hawaii this morning... There’s a sign is I ever saw one

    5. Nice of Senator Santorum to suggest screening the priests... We don’t want any poofsters getting up here to speak

    4. We sent invites to Cheney and Rumsfeld ... I hope they show up ... They can tie in that “Nazi Appeaser” stuff to the gays

    3. Too bad about Rove ... The Stepfather thing... We could have used him tonight ...

    2. Look, Dobson brought the friggin’ cow again ... He’s really pushing that “No Moo” thing a little to much...It’s not working

    1. I tell you, this Foley thing is a real mess ... I had to change my AOL screen name twice since it hit

    Tony Perkins, of the Family Research Council, and organizer of Liberty Sunday”

    Sunday, October 15, 2006

    Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 15 October 2006

    The Vatican was quick to deny stories circulating that Pope Benedict XVI's forthcoming edict, to revive the "Tridentine Mass", or the mass spoken in Latin, has nothing to do with his recent troubles and is not being put back in place so the Pope can "diss more Muslims without too many people catching on"

    With her ratings continuing to decline, and still without a signature sign-off, CBS Evening News Anchor Katie Couric announced that, for the upcoming week, now-former Fox sportscaster Steve Lyons, recently fired for making an on-air racial insult, will appear at the end of the each day’s broadcast to issue the sign-off.

    Said Couric, "This oughta be a lot of fun"

    With the House and Senate already approving the 700-mile long fence, to stretch across significant portions of the U.S.-Mexico border border, to curb the rampant illegal immigration crisis, enterprising businessmen, on both sides of the border, have already begun selling "Fast Passes" that guarantee the purchaser of a "hole in the fence" for quick entry, or exit

    Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, having previously sealed the deal for "Disney Iraq" met recently with legendary singer, and businesswoman, Dolly Parton.

    It was said the two discussed, and apparently worked out a deal for Parton to secure the rights for her Dollywood parks, in either Iran or North Korea, "which ever one we invade first", quipped the Secretary

    The Nation's Capital was abuzz this morning, as news flashed around town that Vice President Dick Cheney was found naked, and asleep, in a D.C.-area gallery.

    According to a source close to the Vice President's office, Cheney became "despondent" shortly after the U.N. vote to sanction North Korea, when, as Cheney was heard muttering "it is perfectly set-up to carpet-bomb those assholes and invade the country."

    “It’s either that,” said the source, “or, he’s decided to come out of the closet - before he’s pulled out”

    After developing a plan to have him "stay quiet" staffers for Senator George Allen (R-VA) were stunned at a recent campaign appearance, when, in the middle of his talk, Allen stopped and gave the “White Power
    salute to a member of the audience

    41 and 43 Equals ??? ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll October 9 - October 14 2006

    This may end up, in the years to come, the most complex father-son relationship since Papa Menendez decided to raise a family.

    And it almost seems fitting. He stocked his cabinet and administration with his father’s cronies. Now, his legacy is, virtually, in the hands of the #1 crony, James Baker, who pops up in administration, after administration, like ... well ... like he comes with the joint (Did Regan issue a Signing Statement that says Baker stays on? Either that, or he’s trying to top David Gergen...)

    Another highly-spirited week of voting in The Garlic’s Weekly Poll, and our voters cast their choices with ever-the-keen-eye on our Court-Appointed President.

    The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll October 9 - October 14 2006

    With scandals piling up, the Iraq occupation, along with World events, getting worse President Bush may be forced to reach out to his father, former, and 41st President, George H.W. Bush for advice. He will likely ask him ...

    1. If we lose Congress, and I end up a lame duck, I still get to use Air Force One, don’t I? Tally 28%

    2. Since you guys hang out a lot, can you, on the sly, pick Clinton’s brain some, and see how he’d be handling some of these things? Tally 26%

    3. How about freeing up the Kennebunkport house next July, I have to duke Henry Kissinger something for all the advice he’s giving us Tally 25%

    4. Can we issue a statement and palm off some of those Jack Abramoff visits to your administration? Tally 21%

    This week’s Poll - Vice President Dick Cheney, since making his “Nazi” speeches last month, as been laying low. Most likely, Cheney is...

    Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

    The crony line probably stops, due to age, with 43. Future GOP Presidents will have to fend for themselves, and develop new stables of cronies