Friday, March 18, 2005

Friday 18 March 2005

HP To Auction CEO-For-The-Day On eBay

Facing increasing pressure from the board of directors, non-executive chairman Patricia Dunn stunned the attendee's of Hewlett Packard's annual meeting Wednesday, when she announced that HP will auction CEO-For-The-Day on eBay, beginning immediately.

Dunn said they expect bids to reach "high six, maybe even, seven-figures".

Sources to The Garlic indicate that, over the weekend, Dunn, and interim CEO Bob Wayman met with eBay CEO, Meg Whitman, to gage her interest in running HP. Whitman recently was a candidate for the top post at the Walt Disney Company and rumors are circulating she's on the runway to leave eBay.

Whitman turned down the offer and suggested the auction. After some number-crunching, Dunn and Wayman signed on with the eBay auction to fill their vacant CEO chair.

"It's really a good deal for us", offered Dunn in a conference call with reporters. "Bob and I will keep our titles and we'll deal with the auction winners. Who knows, we might find someone".

Dunn stated there will be safeguards in place, so that the auction winner will be unable to do anything "crazy". Also, there will be language in the contract of the auction that specifically stipulates that the CEO-For-The-Day can not initiate any mergers whatsoever. Dunn offered the board insisted on such a clause.

The CEO-For-The-Day package is shaping up, with the winner chairing an executive staff meeting, attending and participating in marketing and R&D meetings and, at the end of the day, receives a gift basket of HP products, including the new HP iPod.

Wyman offered the HP expects to raise enough revenue for the CEO-For-The-Day auction to pay off former CEO Carli Fiorina's $21-million serverance package and actually turn a profit.

"If we spin out the printing division", offered Dunn, "we might be able to spin off the CEO office as a profit center as well".

In the first few hours after the announcement, HP has already heard from Michael Eisner, outgoing chief of Disney, Ken Lay, former Enron CEO, Martha Stewart, basketball player Reggie Miller (who is retiring from the Indiana Pacers at the end of the current season), Ted Turner and recently retired anchorman, Dan Rather. All have either inquired if they could bid, or had offers ready to place.

Dunn would not confirm or deny that HP is in talks with HBO, who is interested in launching a new series - Fat CEO - as a counterpunch to rival Showtime's Fat Actress.

NBC and Donald Trump's program, 'The Apprentice' has also contacted HP. Rumors have surfaced that HP would allow Trump to film an episode at HP, with the teams competing for the CEO post.

Scandal Hits OPEC; Pricing Tied To Racing Wagers

Para-Mutual Betting Leads to Record Barrel Prices That Continue to Rise

As consumers line up at the pump, around the country, and in many nations around the globe, paying record highs for gasoline, the recent rise in OPEC pricing is shown to be related to para-mutual betting scheme in Saudi Arabia.

Government officials and marketing experts have been exasperated in understanding the continually rising price of crude, speculated to reach $57.50 today. OPEC indicated they may raise their production ceiling by 2 per cent, an additional 500,000 barrels per day in an effort to stablize and lower prices.

Reports are coming out of Riyadh that para-mutual betting on camel races is how OPEC has been setting the daily barrel prices. The scheme involves taking the last digit of the winning bet in the first four races. OPEC has been using that as a means of establishing it's base price for its' crude barrel.

UPI, Reuters and the English Aljazeera all report sources that place OPEC delegates, Chakib Khalil of Algeria and Libya's OPEC representative and Energy Minister Fati Hamid bin Shatwan as the originators of the pricing plan.

While some have charged the races have been fixed, recently, there's been a rash of longshots crossing the finish first, and offering substantially large pay-offs.

OPEC President, Sheikh Ahmad al-Sabah has firmly denied the reports, indicating the the cartel is exploring pumping some 30 million barrels per day by the fourth quarter to help ease the crisis.

Department of Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman, who was cautious in his remarks, waiting for a more detailed report, suggested that "maybe we should base our GNP ratio on who wins the fourth race at Belmont".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Mark McGwire Won't Talk About

10. How, early in his career, did sleepovers at Neverland (but Michael never touched me!)

9. Can never get all the words in the Daily Jumble

8. The Lindburgh Baby Kidnapping/Murder

7. When he didn't ask for directions - like his wife suggested - and got lost in Marin County

6. The three-month fling he had with the cute girl from the steroid store

5. That he kind'a liked it when Jose Canseco pulled down his pants

4. First time he tried making lasagna by himself

3. How he still gets excited about going out in costume on Halloween

2. Age 7 - Mr. Puddles (nuf said!)

1. The Future - Hey, the steroids didn't make me a physic!

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Thursday 17 March 2005

Top Biz Schools Extend Hacking Penalty
Even Thinking About Doing It Earns Rejection

After rejecting 119 applicants who alledgedly peeked at their files on-line, the Harvard Business School announced they are extending the penalty to those who even 'thought about hacking'. No information was provided on how many additional applicants this would effect.

Sources indicate that the other schools affected by the hacking - Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Duke, Carnegie Mellon and Dartmouth - are expected to follow suit.

Only Stanford has taken no action against the alledgedly hackers.

Earlier this month, an unidentified hacker tapped into a forum, online, on Business Week's website and posted instruction on how applicants could log onto the schools' Web sites to check their admission status. More than 100 applicants to Harvard alone tried to access their admission records. Some saw nothing, while a few found rejection letters in their files.

All of the schools use an online application and notification program - ApplyYourself - made by a Fairfax, Va., company.

Steve Nelson, executive director of the MBA program at Harvard Business School, defended extending the penalties.

"Even thinking about taking this illegal action shows signs of corruption, a lack of morals and suspectability to giving into unethical temptations. At Harvard, we only want those that can rise above the fray and walk the straight-and-narrow".

A growing buzz of criticism has been aimed at Harvard, and the other schools, that the penalty of rejection is disproporationate to offense, including citing the schools for lacking better security of their records. Some have suggested that this incident offers the business schools a dynamic oppportunity, a 'teachable moment'.

Nelson dismissed the criticism.

"We have to draw a line in the sand - do we, as a university, want to put out into the community strong, ethical leaders, or criminals, who will use illegal tactics to gain their lot?

Rumors circulated that the applicants, from all the schools, were wisked away on a private jet to an undisclosed university that is known for having loose, or no guidelines at all, in their interview program, for interrogation.

All the business schools declined comment, citing their application process is private.

Iraq Parliament Holds First Session Amid Chaos

Hey, somebody wake up the janitor.

The Iraqi transitional national assembly, the first freely elected parliament in a half-century, held their first session yesterday, after a nearly 3-hour delay. The 275 members had to wait for over one-hour for someone to locate the custodian, to open the convention center.

Once in inside the heavily guarded building, additional delays followed as the assembly had to wait for the room to be set with chairs and desks. Members made impromtu and impassioned speeches while waiting and numerous scuffles broke out between Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis, mostly over petty loyalities and neighborhood differences.

At least 45 members were accompanied by goats and livestock, indicating they feared theft of their property while in session. This earned the vocal displeasure of a small group of other members.

Still another delay surfaced when members of the U.S. Coaltion insisted on hanging the Ten Commandments on the wall behind the dias. Heated words were heard and a comprise followed with the Koran being hung alongside the Commandments.

Nonetheless, President Bush, in a statement, cited the day as 'historic' and 'a bright moment'.

The only motion submitted and approved by unamious vote? Authorizing supplying the custodian with a cellphone

Top Ten Cloves: How President Bush Will Celebrate St. Patrick's Day

10. Cons Dick Cheney that it's a Vice Presidential tradition to go around all day in green face paint

9. Will have the U.S. Troops dye the Tigris River Lime Green

8. Forces the Secret Service tell him where the little nips of Jameson are hidden

7. What the hell … Fly the White House gang in Air Force One to Dublin for some real corned beef and cabbage

6. Make prank calls to Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams about not being invited to White House

5. Gets Donald Rumsfeld to do his Leprechaun-on-a-flagpole routine

4. Fills the Tidal Basin with Guinness Beer

3. Make prank calls to Tony Blair, disguising his voice to sound like Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams being pissed off about not being invited to White House

2. Scare the hell out of Ted Kennedy; Tells him, by Presidental Order, he's shutting down all the bars in D.C.

1. Stalks Condeleeza Rice all day with 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish'

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Wednesday 16 March 2005

Summer's Takes Vote In-Stride; Won't Resign
Cites Questions of Fraud and Asks for Recount from full Faculity

Embattled Harvard University President Lawrence H. Summers said yesterday's harsh 'No Confidence' vote from the Faculty of Arts and Sciences was not a problem, that he has no intentions of resigning and called for a recount, citing possible irrregularities with the voting.

Summers touched off a firestorm of controversy in January when he suggested in a speech, that women might not have the same ''intrinsic aptitude" in science as men.

In a statement to reporters, Summers dug in, offering he "absolutely is giving no thought to resigning" and basically took the 'No Confidence' vote in-stride, as "just another day at the office".

Summers intimated that he may seek a recount, hinting at possible irregularties in the voting. Only about a quarter of the eligible faculty took part in the voting. It was reported that Summers stated he'd "… like to see more of the male faculity take part in the voting process".

When asked if he would work with the faculty, and their recommendations, Summer's offered, offhandedly;

"Yeah … Sure ...I'll work with them … Whatever … "

Martha Slouching It Through House Arrest

Executives at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia are getting worried as it appears their icon is not quite ready to return to work.

Inside sources reveal that Martha Stewart has been sleeping until 11AM, spending the day on the sofa, in her bathrobe, snacking and watching soap opera's.

"The sink is filled with dirty dishes … She's up until 3AM or later and spending money like crazy, with all those home-shopping shows … She's taken up smoking again and she's putting on weight …"

Stewart is serving five-months of house arrests, to complete the sentence on her conviction of lying to federal prosecutors on her inside trading case with iClone stock. As a condition, Stewart must wear and ankle monitor and is allowed only 47-hours per-week outside of her home, submitting her schedule of activities in advance, to her probation officer.

It's said that work assignments are being missed, or are submitted, well-below the standard of excellance that Ms. Stewart is known for.

"It would appear the only thing Martha cooks with now is a microwave oven … We needed some recipes for the magazine … She sent in clippings, things she cut out of the newspaper … No information if she tested it or how to accent it … The oatmeal cookies? … It was clearly taken off the container …"

Youths Said To Be Emulating Govt Rendition Program

As reported by The Garlic (14 March, Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit), authorities have yielded some clues into two Stockton California youths' bloody rampage on corporate icons that has left the MSN Butterfly and Geico's Gecko in serious and guard conditions.

Sources close to the investigation have indicated that in early interrogations, the two teens were have to stated they were emulating the Bush Administration's Extraordinary Rendition program.

Neighbors and school mates were shocked by the arrest, and the brutality of the crimes. The two youths, ages 15 and 16, are from middle-class, Republican families and above-average students. Both are said to be involved in numerous schools activities and with a large circle of friends.

"Their computers and emails offered a lot of information", said one investigator. "There was a lot on the government's extraordinary rendition program … Websites that were bookmarked … News articles … And it appears they were emailing former Attorney General Ashcroft's office with suggestions and offers to volunteer …"

The Justice Department offered no comment as to any communications with the youths and are not part of the investigation, which is being directed by the Stockton Police and the FBI.

The quick action by authorities in apprehending the two suspects was timely, as found in one of the youth's computer's was a 'Hit List' of other corporate icons they had targeted. The list was not released to news outlets, but a police spokesperson did stated that those on the list were notified of the investigation, and, is a few cases, security protection was extended to them.

Investigators would neither confirms or deny if the Taco Bell puppy was a target. Reports circulated yesterday, that in public appearances, the Taco Bell puppy had three extra handlers and two pit bulldogs as part of his entourage.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Massive Fraud Court Case Isn't Going Your Way

10. Martha Stewart in making jokes about you

9. The court stenographer is knitting

8. The judge keeps mispronouncing your name

7. Defense Exhibit A happens to be the same item as the Prosecution's Exhibit A

6. Only cameras in the room are the court's security system

5. During a sidebar, you hear the judge, the DA and your lawyer discuss the episode of Fat Actress that was on the night before

4. Your own lawyer keeps mispronouncing your name

3. Jury is watching Michael Jackson case on their cellphones

2. Bailiffs want to beat the traffic and ask if they can handcuff you right after lunch

1. Your name happens to be Bernie Ebbers

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Tuesday 15 March 2005

First Lady Heads Jingoism Festival
Jeep Owners Mandated To Learn Song

Believing that most Americans do not know the words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner', our national anthem, First Lady Laura Bush is out to teach them.

Mrs. Laura Bush is the Honorary Chairperson of the "National Anthem Project: Restoring America's Voice", an intiative of the MENC: National Association for Music Education and is being sponsored by Jeep.

The project kicked off last week (March 10th) and included performances from school age children and adults, as well as the Oak Ridge Boys and the 'President's Own' U.S. Marine Band. A larger concert is planned, with some six-million children, teachers and music supporters participating, performing American patriotic and popular songs and will be broadcast around the country on PBS, and the Armed Forces Network.

As to the national sponsorship by Jeep, Dieter Zetsche, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Chrysler Group offered;

"Few brands symbolize freedom and patriotism like the Jeep brand …"

The First Lady stated owning a Jeep " … was a fabulous way to see our great country …" and that all Jeep owners will be mandated to learn the song. She hopes her husband, President Bush, will write legislation that will extend this to all automobile owners.

As an element of their sponsorship, Jeep insisted on language in the contract that bars Rosanne Barr from singing the National Anthem at any Jeep-sponsored event.

Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal
of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids

Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

General Mills anounced that they have come to terms with Major League Baseball to have their Wheaties, The Breakfast of Champions, become the 'Official Breakfast Cereal" of the league.

And, in a bombshell, an unprecidented break from tradition, for the first time since 1934, when Lou Gerhig appeared on the cereal box, Wheaties will feature a steroid pill and needle. It's unclear if the featured items are from Balco, or a generic brand of steroids.

Numerous baseball stars have endorsed the cereal, including Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lefty Grove, Mel Ott, Bob Feller, Ted Williams, Hank Greenberg, Stan Musial, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Pee Wee Reese, Warren Spahn, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Johnny Bench, Hank Aaron, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Joe Torre.

Additionally, of the 51 players selected for the 1939 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, 46 endorsed Wheaties. Wheaties also sponsored the first televised commercial sports broadcast on August 29, 1939, when NBC presented a Cincinnati Reds vs. Brooklyn Dodgers broadcast for some 500 television owners in New York City.

"We’re excited about the winning moments that our Wheaties - MLB partnership will bring" said Eric Lucas, Vice President of Marketing for General Mills’ Big G Cereals. "We've always featured the dominant star and this year, it is undoubtedly, steroids".

Lucas, as well as Tim Brosnan, Executive Vice President, Business, Major League Baseball, offered no comment on the impact of the upcoming Congressional hearings on steroids use in baseball and left the door open that a future Wheaties box could have a Congressman on it

Bush Appointment Has Mid-East Fearful With New Hughes Role

The Arab League stated a muted, and very cautious tone in reacting to the announcement of former Bush Aide Karen Hughes' new position of Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy. Hughes will be responsible for crafting Mid-East policies and changing the area's perceptions about the United States. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made the announcement yesterday.

Hughes, a former counselor to President Bush from 2000-2002, also had a major role in shaping Bush's domestic agenda, as well as having her imprint on a number of foreign policy initiatives. Hughes left the administration to move back to Texas.

Some Arab League members are skeptical about the appointment, speculating that there'll be a continuation of false or doctored intelligence and a new call of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the next country the Bush Administration chooses to invade.

There's even confusion if the appointment is true, or if it's an endeavor of the disinformation program started by Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld two-years ago.

'When America starts talking about planting the seeds of democracy", offered one Arab League official, "that's usually our sign to start building our bomb shelters".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell It's March Madness

10. You tell your wife you have a headache

9. Make rare visits to your clients, but only so you can join their office pools

8. It's the only time of year you can tolerate Dick Vitale

7. Same old tradition - Ball State loses in 1st Round and breaks your heart

6. You admit you have a crush on Greg Gumble

5. Proudly recall your days as a male cheerleader

4. You've watched so many games, the CBS logo is burned onto your cornea

3. Desperately searching iTunes for college fight songs

2. Final Four means three-days of brewski's!

1. Not only can you pronounce Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski's name, you can spell it!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Monday 14 March 2005

Disney Picks Iger but Eisner Says He Won't Go; Digging In For Fight

The Walt Disney Co. announced yesterday that President Robet Iger will succeed Micheal Eisner as its' Chief Executive, but, in a separate release, Eisner declared that he's not leaving.

A combative Eisner indicated "…they can't push me out…" and is taking steps to cement his post.

For month's, Eisner has been solidifying his Disney stock holdings and Eisner called for an emergency meeting of the Disney board to vote immediately on changing the name of the company to The Michael Eisner Co.

"I built Disney to what it is today", offered Eisner. "If it wasn't for me, that little (#X&&!) mouse would be chasing his tail - in black-and-white".

The appoinment of Iger, who's served as President for the past five-years, ends Eisner's stormy and tumultuous two-decade reign. It was scheduled for Eisner to depart next year and insiders are speculating that moving Iger in early is an attempt to block Eisner from seizing the company.

Under Eisner, Disney has grown to over 100,000 employees, has a global network of theme parks, the vaunted Disney film library and expanded into televison, gobbling up ESPN and the ABC Network.

There's also been its' share of chaos as the doings and bombast of Eisner have become Hollywood legend, including the very public spat with Roy Disney, brother of founder Walt, and with the particularly revealing and embarassing lawsuit over the hiring and firing of former Disney President, Michael Ovitz.

Unconfirmed reports have Eisner rushing into production, remakes of the Disney classics, 'Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs' and 'Sleeping Beauty', with the dwarves and the Prince being drawn in Eisner's likeness.

Additionally, ABC will launch a news and entertainment magzine show, devoted soley to Eisner's work and career. Reportedly, ABC executives are deriding the project as 'Must Like Mike TV'.

"This (#X&&!) kid is staying in the (#X&&!) picture", boasted Eisner.

Rose Cashes In On Steroid Scandel

ESPN is reporting that former Cincinnati Red's great Pete Rose, baseball's exiled hero, is said to have cashed in for millions, on a bet that the steroid scandal would surface before the 2005 season and players and management would be called before Congress to testify.

Rose, banned from baseball for betting on games, including his own team when he managed the Reds, placed the bet four years ago at an undisclosed Las Vegas casino. Odds were given on when the steroid scandal would break and Rose took the extra step of adding on the rider, at 5-1 odds, as to the call before Congress.

One source with knowledge of the bet indicated that Rose "laid down a lot of green".

Rose, and Major League Baseball officials could not be reached for comment.

Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit

MSN Butterfly, Geiko Tortured; Had Long List of Targets

Local and federal authorities have taken into custody two Stockton, California teenagers, after what reports indicate, a murdureous rampage against corporate icons.

Microsoft's MSN Butterfly, and Geico's Geiko were brutally attacked and tortured, according to police. And, found on one of the juvenilles' computer was a long list of other targets the youths were alledgedly going after. The names of the youths, or their alledged targets were not released, as the FBI indicated it is still an active crime scene and investigation.

Microsoft released a statement, indicating only that the MSN Butterfly was in "serious and guarded condition". Geico refused comment and unconfirmed reports have that the geiko died after furious life-saving measures were taken. Once source indicated that it appeared the geiko's natural camouflage abilities failed him during the attack.

Little is known about the two teens, or why they launched what authorities describe as 'brutal and heinous acts' against innocent icons.

A local Stockton newspaper is reporting on their website that as one of the youths was being taken into police headquarters for questioning, he shouted to the throng of media;

"They kept asking us where we wanted to go today … So, we showed'em …"

Top Ten Cloves: Excuses Baseball Will Use To Avoid Testifying To Congress

10. Have a note from Abner Doubleday saying they don't have to answer to anyone

9. Demanding waiver to play Fungo in Capital Rotunda

8. Need more time to see how they can spin this into something the fans will pay money for

7. Waiting to hear back from Congress if Curt Schilling can wear his bloody sock at hearings

6. Threaten to counter and call their own hearings on Ted Kennedy's drinking

5. Negotiating that, in middle of hearings, panel will get up and do The Wave

4. Trying to line-up Alex Rodriguez to run through Congress and knock papers out of Chairman's hands

3. Hey, did you know that congressman can get into any Major League Baseball game for free?

2. Lobbying President Bush to add to bill Private Steroid Accounts

1. Players can't sit for long periods; Asses hurt from getting steroid shots