Play of the Day - Circus Slide Into Home Plate

The last time we posted about college baseball, it was about a tear-inducing display of what sportsmanship is all about.

Today, it's about a WOW!

From Yahoo Sports;

Kownacki leaps over the catcher

Courtesy of Fordham Sports Info - Audio is supplied by Gregg Caserta - WFUV From Tuesday night's Fordham-Iona college baseball game. Fordham rallies from 9-1 down to tie game. With score tied at 9 in the bottom of the 8th and bases loaded, Chris Walker (#4) puts Fordham ahead with game-winning hit. The baserunner at first, Brian Kownacki (KAH-nack-ee), scores by leaping over Iona catcher James Beck, and landing on home plate with a handstand, to put Fordham ahead 12-9, which was the final score

Kownacki leaps over the catcher @ Yahoo! Video

Like, we said, WOW!

Get this kid into the big leagues!

Our Baseball Essay ... A Day Late, But We'll Explain Who's Playing Shortstop

For the second day, we offer one of our special essays, our letter-producing, much-heralded, all-you-need-to-know, "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?"



While, officially, the season began last evening (and what planet has a baseball season opener at night? Aim your rotten tomatoes at MLB and ESPN), the full slate begins today , in daylight, under afternoon sunshine (hopefully).

And, if you attended, or watched, last night's game, and felt like a polka-playing accordionist time-warp-thrusted into a discotheque, not understanding the game of baseball, not knowing the lingo, or positions, incumbent on being a member of the official fandom of "our national pastime", then you need our essay;

There are various breeds of relief pitchers. You have long relievers and short relievers. The title refers not to their size but to the length of time that they pitch. After all, you have long relievers that are short and short relievers that are tall.

Sometimes a relief pitcher will do so well (he’ll have his stuff) that he gets credit with the win.Other times (not having his stuff) he’ll get pinned with the loss. On some occasions, he’ll only get a save, with the win going to the starting pitcher who didn’t have his stuff and couldn’t finish the game, thus being relieved. It even happens that relief pitchers get relieved by other relief pitchers.

Don't worry, we cover all the other positions (including the "opposite field", and "utility fielder"), so after reading "Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?", you can belly up to any bar and banter with the best of them.

And, no, "Who's on First."


Bonus B'Ball Riffs

Tomgram: Robert Lipsyte, Welcome to Fandora ...Root, Root, Root for the Owners… Is Baseball a Fading Allegory for the Fading American Way of Life?

The Savvy Girls of Summer

Breaking News! ... Baseball Bombshell Expands Steroid Scandal ...Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone ... Cyclist Said To Be Kingpin Of Lucrative Doping Ring, Selling His Own DNA

Politics and Sports Collide ...Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs ...MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Might Have Happened To Ted Williams' Head

You Don't Hit With Your Face

No. 27

Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Wed, November 04, 2009 -- 11:51 PM ET

Yankees Win World Series, Adding to Title Collection

The Yankees humbled the defending champion Philadelphia Phillies, 7-3, in Game 6 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium, capturing their 27th title and their first since 2000.

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Might Have Happened To Ted Williams' Head

News Item: New book alleges Alcor mistreatment of Ted Williams' severed head

10. Had it riding atop the Roomba, but kept falling off

9. Just started bashing things, in anger, after hearing Chicago lost out on 2016 Olympics

8. Goofing off with tuna can stuck to head - Made like Starkist commercial, but used punchline, saying "Sorry, Teddy"

7. Cinco de Mayo, were stuck for a pinata

6. Got kicked, and stepped on, practicing routine for new show - "Dancing with the Stars' Heads"

5. Needed something to bang the spigot into the keg

4. Rented out to local minor league baseball team for fungo practice

3. "There's no Cryonics in baseball ... There's no Cryonics in baseball! ..."

2. Pitted Williams' Head against Timex Watch ... Timex Watch still ticking

1. Let's just say that Ted Williams wasn't the last .400 hitter ... You know what I mean ...

Go Girl Go!

While, invariably, the Little League World Series almost routinely, each year, generates a heartwarming, or tear-inducing, story, and this year is no different.

Except that history, perhaps a bit dubiously, was made;

Game-Winning Hit by 13-Year-Old Girl Could Be a First

SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, Pa. (AP) — Katie Reyes hit a two-run single in the top of the sixth to help Vancouver, British Columbia, rally for a wild 14-13 victory Tuesday over Ramstein Air Force Base, Germany, in the Little League World Series.

The Little League president, Stephen Keener, and other longtime tournament officials said they could not recall a girl having the winning hit before in a World Series game.

“I was excited. I was shaking,” Reyes, 13, said about going to the plate for her big hit. She finished with three hits and three runs batted in.

Playing first, Reyes also caught the last out. She joined her happy teammates jumping on the mound after Canada won its last game of the series. Both teams had already been eliminated entering Tuesday.

WOW!

All this time, decades, and it's only the first time a girl has gotten a winning hit?

Does that have to do with girls not being into playing Little League, or nitwit coaches across the land, holding on to yesteryear, believing girls don't belong in baseball?

ESPN, which posts a video of it, has more;

Fifteen girls have played in the series since 1984, when Victoria Roche of Brussels, Belgium, became the first female to play in South Williamsport.

Reyes wasn't the only girl playing at the series this year -- Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, had 13-year-old Bryn Stonehouse playing first base, too.

The only other time there were two girls in the series in the same year was 2004

Well, anyway ...

Hats Off to Katie Reyes!

Go Girl Go!


Bonus Link

Here's a good background piece, from the Toronto Globe and Mail, on Katie Reyes;

Canadian 'girl that delivers' takes on the World Series

Presidential Pitching Rotation

Ahh, you know they were not going to let (pun intended) a softball photo-op go by the boards.

President Obama throws out the ceremonial "first pitch", at the Major League Baseball All-Star Game last evening

Good thing the game was in St. Louis.

If it had been at Bailout Park (Citi Field), there could have been charges of conflict-of-interest

What has us posting about this today (aside from the Flying Monkeys of the Right Wing Freak Show calling Obama a "sissy" for the way he threw the ball), was a Tweet discovered early this morning, from Greg Mitchell (@GregMitch);

NYT says Obama's toss tonite wasn't so hot but "he was pitching on 1,371 days’ rest." Everyone knows you need to go every 5th day.

Most amusing!

A good friend informed us that it is not a tradition to have the President make the first toss, the last time this was done for the All Star Game was in 1976, then-President Gerald Ford doing the honors (and, no, he didn’t bean himself).


Bonus Links

Jack Curry: Obama to Pujols, Without a Bounce

Obama Play-By-Play At 2009 All-Star Game With Joe Buck, Tim McCarver (VIDEO)


Update: Bonus Bonus

President Obama and Willie Mays on Air Force One

The Savvy Girls of Summer

Here's a little something for you, before the big Game 7, this evening ...

We never know what's going to turn up when we run our, now infamous, baseball primers (featuring, of course, The Baseball Essay!) ... We get letters, for sure, lots of them (See the sidebar, under "Sports ... On The Garlic" for links).

Earlier this month, when we posted It's MLB Playoff Time ... That Means Time For The Garlic Baseball Primer Essay, along with the usual letters flowing in, something else turned up as well ...

The Savvy Girls of Summer

Deidre (of Deidre and Jackie fame) emailed, hipping The Garlic to their exploits, up there in the dark, often rainy, Northwest city of Seattle.

Along with writing their blog, these two ladies are on the runway of fame and fortune, turning their lives, and the merger of said, with their life-long love of baseball, and have written a book - "Are Diamonds for Everyone?" - due to be published and released in 2008.

We finally realized that not working ourselves into a lather about the 1952 World Series didn’t make us any less of a fan than our male counterparts or others that considered themselves "real" fans. We were relieved when we realized that we simply enjoy baseball from a different perspective. This perspective is missing in baseball literature - it is that of the pure spectator. The one who was never coached in how to turn a double play. Our book is an effort to share our enthusiasm for baseball with lifelong fans and the "baseball curious" of either gender.

Take a spin over to The Savvy Girls of Summer and check it out ... The ballpark outings, the tales of real life and the baseball scorebook they've come up with (which you can purchase) ...

And put Deidre and Jackie, and their book, on your radar next year

Look No Further, Your Handy Baseball Primer

Ahhhh ... The smell of pine tar ... The roar of the crowd ...

Yes, it's back ... Baseball season is upon us and already, The Garlic has a scoop.

President Bush couldn't throw out the first pitch today, at the Washington Nationals home opener ... his arm was sore after tossing out those eight U.S. Attorneys.

While the rest of Washington is eyeballing and picking over the latest financials of the presidential candidates, the rest of America is sharpening their pencils, on the ready to record every twitch, movement, dropped fly, missed bunt and 6-4-3 double-play that takes place on the field of dreams around the country.

Don't be left out of the action (or, to get in the spirit of things, left in the on-deck circle). The Garlic today reprises one if its' most popular posts, and as Sonny Earl said, "the best darned baseball primer on the world wide web."

We present for your edification and enjoyment;

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

And boy, did we get letters

Look What They're Saying! Readers Write In On Baseball Piece

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece: Look What They're Saying Redux!

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece!

World Series Prompts More Baseball Letters

Other Garlic Baseball Riffs

Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids

With Red Sox and Yankees Bounced, MLB Postpones Playoffs

Iraqis Pause Vote Count To Celebrate Chisox Pennant

Iraq Pulls Late Switch On Voters; Will Follow Red Sox And Have Two Presidents

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs

Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone

Breaking News! Baseball Rocked With Calls For Firing Of Yankee Manager

Retired Baseball Managers Call On Torre To Resign

Handful of Skippers Protest Steinbrenner Move; Cite No Plan Or Successful Winning Strategy

Major League Baseball was rocked this morning as a group of former and retired managers, led by ex-Los Angeles Dodger Tommy LaSorda and recently-resigned Washington National Frank Robinson issued a blistering statement, calling on New York Yankee Manager Joe Torre to resign.

The group also protested the move by owner George Steinbrenner, who, seemingly, was on the verge of firing Torre within minutes of the final out of the American League Division Series game last weekend, against the Detroit Tigers, that saw the Yankees eliminated, yet changed his course and announced yesterday, through a spokesperson, that Torre was being kept on for another year.

Despite 11 consecutive AL East Division titles, the Yankees have not won the World Series since 2000.

“This is hogwash,” bellowed LaSorda, a former World Series-winning manager with the Los Angeles Dodges. “Now is not the time to for Steinbrenner to stay-the-course. Just look at the last few years, the man doesn’t have a strategy to win ... He’s floundering around while innocent, young men are being sent out onto the field without a clue, unprepared to win.”

Hall of Fame player, and recently resigned manager of the Washington Nationals, Frank Robinson says that “dozens of former managers and coaches” have been in contact with him, and all calling for Torre to step down.

“Managers, coaches, players, they’ve all said this is a bad situation,” offered Robinson. “Torre just doesn’t have any credibility anymore. Nobody believes he can lead them to victory.”

Minor League managers are expected, later today or tomorrow, to join in with the “big show” counterparts and issue their own statement calling on Torre to resign, and/or Steinbrenner to fire him.

Torre, who has a year left on his contract to manage the Yankees, for a reported $7-Million, received a telephone call from Steinbrenner.

“I spoke to Joe Torre today and I told him: ‘You’re back for the year,’ ” the statement said. “ ‘I expect a great deal from you and the entire team. I have high expectations and I want to see enthusiasm, a fighting spirit and a team that works together. The responsibility is yours, Joe, and all of the Yankees.’ ”

Steinbrenner, reported, cribbed notes in the column of a newspaper article, asking “Did we send Torre out there to manage?”

Yankee’s General Manager Brian Cashman, a supporter of Torre, denied reports that former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was advising Steinbrenner, or the Yankees.

Rumors have circulated that Kissinger has advocated to the Yankee owner that “the only viable exit strategy is a World Series victory.”

Kissinger, when reached for comment, would neither confirm nor deny his consulting the New York Yankees but did offer that “they have to execute if the intend on winning.”

Cashman also denied that he called for an emergency meeting with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, citing the increased chatter throughout Major League Baseball over the course of the summer, that the Yankees were likely to bomb in the playoffs.

A report, said to be leaked out of the Commissioner’s office, shows that the league has tried to cover-up the decline of the Yankees, and to downplay their losses in the playoffs.

“Sure,” sniped LaSorda, “they have their television ratings to protect. They only want to take you to Yankee Stadium or Fenway Park, but when you step out into some of the other parks in baseball, the situation is catastrophic ... For Torre to remain at the helm only means more losses, for the Yankees and all of baseball.”

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig could not be reached for comment, with an aide saying “he’s busy ... totally focused on what to do about the Barry Bonds’ situation.”

Pressure is mounting, from retired baseball managers, for either New York Yankee manager Joe Torre to resign, or for owner George Steinbrenner to fire him

Special Essay - Play Ball! ... Batter Up!

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

base-ball ( bays-ball ) n. 1. a team game played with a bat and a ball on a field with four bases arranged in a diamond and in which
runs are scored by hitting a ball, getting walks, etc. and circling the bases ...

Oxford American Dictionary

It’s been awhile but you still know Ty Cobb’s lifetime average with runners on base and two outs. You can still rattle-off everybody Mickey Mantle tagged for a homerun. Challenged to recite the entire squad of the 1963 Cleveland Indians? No problemo! But all that goes out the window the moment some well-intentioned visitor from some new Russian republic turns to you in a bar and asks; “Could you please tell me, what is this thing called baseball?”

Go ahead, tell’em. A definition out of a book doesn’t quite nail it, does it? After all, you know that baseball is played on a field, but, inside a stadium, park or dome. The field has an infield, outfield and opposite field. Some have short fences and all have power alleys. One even has a green monster lurking about. Then there’s this business about a diamond but it would be best to move on from these last two items.

All pitchers will tell you that they have stuff

The man that throws the ball is called a pitcher. You have different kinds of pitchers – starting pitchers and relief pitchers. A starting pitcher will pitch for as long and and as well as he can. If he doesn’t have his stuff (all pitchers will tell you that they have stuff) and can’t finish the game, a relief pitcher is brought in.

There are various breeds of relief pitchers. You have long relievers and short relievers. The title refers not to their size but to the length of time that they pitch. After all, you have long relievers that are short and short relievers that are tall.

Sometimes a relief pitcher will do so well (he’ll have his stuff) that he gets credit with the win.Other times (not having his stuff) he’ll get pinned with the loss. On some occasions, he’ll only get a save, with the win going to the starting pitcher who didn’t have his stuff and couldn’t finish the game, thus being relieved. It even happens that relief pitchers get relieved by other relief pitchers.

Some pitchers (remember, he can be a starter or reliever, long or short) will wind up before they pitch. Other will deliver it from a stretch. They can throw sinkers, sliders, spitters, knucklers, curves, screwballs and change-ups. Some are plain fastballers, others sneaky lowballers. A few are outright screwballs, but we digress.

They’ll put a little on it or take a little off it. Hum it right in there or just let it fly. They’ll get ahead of the hitter (the man with the bat - more on him shortly) or behind him. Some will brush’em back while others move it around. A chosen few defy science and throw heat or smoke and just about every pitcher can throw junk (but it has nothing to do with items from his attic, or spring cleaning). All this stuff is part of the “stuff thing”, so you do want to mention it.

Baseball pays a tribute of sorts to the Spanish in that all the stadium, parks and domes have a bullpen. But they don’t keep bulls in it - they put pitchers there. All the pitchers except the one that is pitching (which, if you’ve read carefully, can be a starting pitcher or relief pitcher, long or short). The pitcher pitching gets to sit in the dugout with the rest of the team. It’s been this way for years so apparently the pitchers don’t mind it.

All hitters will tell you they have a good eye at the plate.

Now, the man with the bat is called the batter or hitter. His object is to reach base. He does this by stepping up to the plate (well, it’s not really a plate as you or I know it) and standing in the box. The on-deck hitter - the man batting next - gets to stand or kneel in a circle.

The hitter has an affinity with the plate, in that he will protect it at all times. And like pitchers with their stuff (starters or relievers, long or short), all hitters will tell you they have a good eye at the plate.

The hitter (using his good eye) can reach base by sending it up the middle or by waiting for his pitch. Some just swing away. They can hit long flies or slow rollers. Drill it to right or rap one to left. They can give it a ride or hit it in the hole. Some hit if off their wrists, others break their wrists trying to hit it (but he’ll invariably try to say that he didn’t go around).

In certain situations, the hitter will get the green light. Sometimes they go after bad balls or they’ll just pull up and check their swing (it’s the pitcher and that “stuff thing” again). If a hitter doesn’t like a pitch, he can fight it off - or sit back and take it. He can receive a walk but he might score a run.

Some hitters will choke-up on the bat. Others will choke at the plate (not having a good eye ). There are hitters who get their sports confused and will golf one. Or they’ll see basketballs coming in at them (but this last one isn’t confusing, it’s good, it means he’s in a groove, that he has a very good eye).

All you have to do is sit on a fastball

As with pitchers, you also have a variety of hitters. There’s pinch-hitters, designated hitters, switch-hitters, contact-hitters and clutch-hitters. A few are known strictly as homerun-hitters but anybody can hit a homerun - all you have to do is sit on a fastball. Some are referred to as just plain sluggers or power-hitters. There’s also the on-deck hitter but he doesn’t become whatever type of hitter he is until he leaves the circle and steps into the box.

While the object of the hitter is to reach base, he doesn’t always make it (if he does it two times out of ten, he’s considered good; three times out of ten and he’s great - go figure). He can pop out, fly out, ground out, foul out or strike out . Some go down swinging, other get caught looking (trying to take too many pitches from the pitcher - starter or reliever, long or short).

The hitter can also be called out but that’s pretty much the same as getting caught looking. Or he can be knocked out. He gets knocked out by getting caught looking or by getting hit with a pitch. If he gets hit by a pitch, he may have to go to the hospital for treatment.

If he doesn’t go to the hospital, he gets to go to first base. The pitcher can also be knocked out (but he doesn’t get to go to first base, only hitters do). Hitters are always trying to knock out pitchers. When a pitchers gets knocked out (not having his stuff, letting a hitter hit too many of his pitches - maybe even getting his pitches knocked out of the stadium, park or dome), he usually goes straight to the showers (although, on rare occasions, he may also have to go to the hospital). Then a relief pitcher is brought in, long or short.

Sometimes a hitter will hit the ball and still make an out. There are times when a hitter will want to make to make an out. That’s called a “sacrifice” He’ll only want to do that (some don’t want to do it at all) when another hitter has already reached base and can advance to another base.

If a hitter ever tries to sacrifice without another hitter on base, well, his coaches will hang him out to dry. At times, a hitter will procrastinate on a pitch and get hung up. However, he’ll always try to hang in there. The pitcher also tries to hang in there but sometimes he’ll hang one over.

When the hitter hits the ball, the fielders (more on them coming) will try to hang on to it. Fans will encourage a hitter to hang in there but if they don’t like the way he is hitting (not having a good eye at the plate), they’ll scream for him to hang it up. A close game is often described as a cliffhanger.

A hitter can hang in there by fouling one off or fouling it upstairs. He can also foul it out of play, foul it back, chop it foul or pop it foul. Sometimes the ball just drops foul. There are times when a hitter will foul out. If a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) throws a spitter, you’ll see the hitter cry foul. The umpires, the men in dark suits who stand behind the bases and enforce the rules, take a lot of foul abuse from players and fans, who holler foul when they don’t agree with the umpire’s decision. Foul weather will cancel a game, putting everybody in a foul mood.

A utility fielder can play both the infield and outfield, but not at the same time.

The area of fielding is less complicated then pitching or hitting. The infield (or diamond, if you will) consists of a first baseman, second baseman, third baseman and shortstop. No, it’s not a size issue. The shortstop (he can be tall or short) plays the hole between second and third base.

There’s no fourth base, per se. That’s called home plate, which we already know isn’t really a plate. The catcher plays home plate. He catches the ball thrown by the pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short). While both the pitcher and catcher are in the infield, they’re generally not referred to as infielders. They’re known as a battery, which has nothing to do with batting or a perpetually-moving, drum-banging rabbit.

In the outfield, you have a right fielder, leftfielder and centerfielder. There is no opposite fielder. The three outfielders are expected to cover the opposite field - wherever that may be based on who’s at bat. You also have utility fielders and, no, there isn’t a utility field. A utility fielder can play both the infield and outfield, but not at the same time.

There’s a good deal of running in baseball

You may also want to mention to your friend that there’s a good deal of running in baseball. Teams run out onto the field to start the game. When a hitter hits the ball, he runs to first base, where, if he makes it safely (not being thrown out or gunned down by one of the fielders, in or out), he stops being a hitter and is now a base runner.

He may attempt to go for extra bases but he may get caught in a rundown. Or maybe the fielder (in or out) will make a running catch. In either case, there may be a dispute which will cause the manager to come running out of the dugout and have a run-in with the umpire (this is one of those times that the umpire may take that foul abuse we talked about earlier). There’ll be occasions when the base runner is replaced by a pinch runner.

Late in the season - often too late – teams will make a run for the pennant.

Unlike the rest of society, baseball allows stealing. No, not money or personal property but bases.Lots of them! The more the base runner (or pinch runner, if you will) can steal, the better his team can do. Signs too (no, not billboards, “For Rent placards or “No parking” notices) but how a catcher wants a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) to pitch to a certain batter - depending on what type of hitter the batter happens to be. It’s all part of the game but be sure to tell your friend that, if he ever goes to a game (inside a stadium, park or dome), that he can’t do any stealing. Only the players (and some people may tell you the owners as well) can.

We’ve almost failed to mention that there are two kinds of baseball - Major League Baseball and Minor League Baseball. Everybody in the Minor Leagues wants to be up in the big show, the Majors. Nobody in the Majors wants to be in the Minors (Minor League Baseball is pretty much played in parks or on fields - not in stadiums or domes).

Wait, we nearly forgot - there’s the Infield Fly Rule. Now, it’s common knowledge that the Infield Fly rule is applicable when ...

- 30 -

Copyright J. Thomas Duffy
All Rights Reserved
Any copying or distribution without permission is strictly prohibited

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs

MLB Mulling Changing Status Of Home Runs In Wake Of New Bonds Allegations

Will Go Retro, Adopt Stickball Rule of Three-Outs If Hit Over Fence; South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs

In a swift and stunning move, Major League Baseball has called an emergency meeting of its’ owners, and Rules Committee, putting on the table a change to official home runs in the wake of new allegations that home run hitter Bobby Bonds has been taking illegal steroids and human growth hormones since 1998.

Bonds, who holds the single-season home run record of 73, is currently third on baseball’s all-time home run list at 708, chasing the legendary Babe Ruth (714) and the home run king, Hank Aaron (755).

Commissioner Bud Selig offered very little as he rushed into a New York City hotel for the emergency meeting.

“This is a dark day gentlemen,” said Selig as he continued walking. “We may come out of it with substantial changes and a very different game.”

New Book Says Bonds Jealousy Reason For Bulking Up

Two San Francisco Chronicle reporters and authors of a soon-to-be-released book, Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams, say they have substantial corroboration, from court records and over 200 interviews, grand jury testimony and tapes of voice-mail messages and transcripts with Bonds’s former girlfriend, depicting Bonds’s wide-ranging steroid usage.

The explosive book, "Game of Shadows" is scheduled to be published March 27 by Gotham Books.

An excerpt from the book appears this week in Sports Illustrated, offering vivid details of the drugs and regimen Bonds undertook, motivated they say by jealousy over the attention paid to Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire, during their memorable home run chase in 1998. When it ended, McGwire broke the 37-year-old, single-season record of Roger Maris’s 61, finishing with 70 homeruns.

Boyhood Stickball Rules Looked As Way To Save Baseball

According to sources close to Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig will propose to the owners and Rules Committee that “home runs hit out of the playing field, to wit, into the stands or out of the ballpark, be ruled three-outs.” Reportedly, Selig got the idea from the boyhood game of Stickball.

“Who, at least anyone over 30, or 40, hasn’t played stickball?”, asked Paul “Biffster” Chenzo, former minor league baseball player and author of “It’s The Pine Tar, Stupid”, citing the use of the sticky substances players rub on their bats as the reason for the increase in home runs.

In stickball, often played in the streets, or in factory parking lots and school yards, hitting the ball over an easily reached fenced counted as three outs, not a home run. The object was to hit the fence and aim for getting base hits, doubles and triples.

“The Commissioner feels that it is time for the big show to take the same approach,” says Chenzo. "That’s it’s time to save the game.”

Major Leaguers Worried, Want Abusers Thrown Out, Not Rules Changed

As word of the potential rule changing home runs reached spring training camps, both power sluggers and contact hitters voiced concerns and objections.

“I sure hope they don’t do that,” said Johnny Damon, new centerfielder of the New York Yankees , and considered baseballs’ best leadoff hitter.

“I can place the ball pretty good around the field, but I sure like it when I do hit one out.”

Bobby Abreu, of the Philadelphia Phillies, winner of the 2005 Home Run Derby, was distraught.

“Man, that is really bullshit,” said the slugger. “Totally unfair, I mean, I hope it doesn’t come to that. That would be penalizing a lot of players – clean players who do it the old-fashion way by working out and working on their game."

Boston Red Sox star slugger David Ortiz says the best way to deal with the illegal steroids is to just “throw the bums out.”

“Kick them out,” said Big Papi, as Ortiz is affectionately known as around Fenway Park. “Just get rid of them, don’t take something away from me.”

Pitcher Roger Clemens said he would welcome the rule changing homeruns to being three-outs.

“Man, are you kidding,” said The Rocket. “I could stay in baseball another 10, 15-years. Heck, I could probably throw perfect games in under 40 pitches. This would be great for pitchers … We’d all be setting new ERA records.”

Burns Favors Rule Change, Sees New “Extra Inning” Documentary

Filmmaker Ken Burns released a statement that he would be in favor of the home run rule change.

Burns is known, among other projects, for his epic “Baseball” documentary, shown on PBS in nine (innings) segments back in 1994.

“This would be wonderful,” said Burns, “I can title it “Extra Innings”, with a lot of shots from grass level, the white ball with red stitching moving in slow motion over the green grass carpet. We can show the old school home runs in a nice, rich sepia tone, maybe even a little grainy, to give it an aged look … And, we’ll probably have to use Hop-Hop music, for the current times, which could led me to a whole new project. This would be a very, very good thing to happen.”

South Dakota Not Waiting From MLB To Rule – Home Runs Banned

South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds (R) isn’t waiting for Major League Baseball to enact the new home run rule.

A day after signing legislation banning nearly all abortions in the state, the Governor this morning signed an emergency bill banning all home runs in the state, on levels of baseball, from Pee Wee and Little League, through High School, College and Minor League games.

The bill will make it a crime to hit a home run, unless it is done in order to save the batter’s life. There are no exceptions for cases of extra innings games, or playoffs and championship series.

"In the history of the baseball, the true test of a game is how well players treat the most vulnerable and most helpless teammates, the average guy who’s an average hitter and fielder. The sponsors and supporters of this bill believe that homeruns are wrong because these average players are the most vulnerable and most helpless in the game and I agree with them," said Rounds as he signed the bill.

Professional Horse Jockeys around the country celebrated the news that baseball may ban home runs, saying that "without that pressure, we have now have, for the first time, some career options"

Monday 17 October 2005

Iraqis Pause Vote Count To Celebrate Chisox Pennant

Many Remember '59 Disappointment; Believe This Is The Year; Will Bring Team To Baghdad With Series Win

There are many important things facing the Iraqi people. Forming a new government, and the historic vote count on a new Iraq Constitution are, perhaps, at the top of the list.

However, there are, in fact, really important things to take into account.

Last night, all business fell to the wayside as hundreds-of-thousands of Iraqis poured out into the streets across the country to celebrate the Chicago White Sox victory over the Los Angeles Angels, of Anaheim and Orange County, California, United States of America that gave them the American League pennant for the first time since 1959.

The historic vote on the new Iraqi Constitution was temporarily suspended, as election officials joined the revelry taking place on the streets.

"This is truly remarkable," gushed Iraqi President Jalal Talabani. "I was only a young boy but I was so crushed when they lost the World Series in 1959. When they went back to Comisky Park, for Game Six, I really thought they would do it."

The Los Angeles Dodgers, behind pitchers Don Drysdale and Johnny Podres, and the hitting of Duke Snider, beat Chicago, 4-games-to-2.

The longer streak is that the White Sox have not won the World Series since 1917.

Talabani said that if the Chicago White Sox win the World Series this year, he'll "bring the team to Baghdad" for a special ceremony.

"We've seen this done by many American Presidents," said Talabani. 'It must be an important feature of democracy, to celebrate with championship teams and we want to be as democratic as we can be."

Neither team owner Jerry Reinsdorf, or White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen, who saw four of his pitchers throw complete games, the first time that has happened since the 1956 Yankees, had any immediate comment on the Iraqi support of the Chicago team.

A spokesperson for the team said that "there are some sections of Chicago I wouldn't want to go in to" and that the team would wait and see and consider the offer after the World Series.

While the Bush Administration is eager to see the final vote count on the constitution, which is being reported as being overwhelmingly accepted and approved by the Iraqi voters, they were also pleased to see the impromptu celebration for the White Sox.

"The President believes," offered White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, 'that this is a significant step and endorsement of the new democracy. The President sent a message to President Talabani, congratulating him and, even suggested that the new Iraqi government considered making baseball Iraqi's national pastime."

When reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield was also pleased to see the Iraqis celebrating baseball.

'Goodness, who doesn't love baseball," said Rumsfield. "I mean, heavens, it has so much to offer a young democracy. The strategy, the determination … Working throught tough situations … And who's in the Iraqi's bullpen? Who's going to come in and get the save, or get the win? Only the best team in the world - the fighting forces of the U.S. Military …Is that hype? Is that overstating the case? … I don't think so … Not in my ballpark, anyway."

Rumsfield deferred questions as to if the Iraqi's had the proper equipment to play baseball and if the United States Army would compensate them if the purchased the needed equipment on their own.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair said that "it was a good sign" the Iraqi's were embracing American baseball.

"We'll have to work on introducing them to English soccer and cricket."

Senator Rick Santorum weighed in on the Iraqi celebration and White Sox victory.

Santorum, earlier this year, blamed the Boston Red Sox and Boston's liberalism for the Catholic priest scandal of abusing children and his office said that "the Senator is happy to see democracy taking hold in Iraq."

"As to the Chicago White Sox," said Santorum, "We'll just have to look into them to see if they helped cause the abuse as well."

Two Iraqi woman cry for joy after hearing the news that the Chicago White Sox beat the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Orange County, California, United States of America to win the American League Championship and enter the World Series for the first time since 1959.

Tuesday 15 March 2005

First Lady Heads Jingoism Festival
Jeep Owners Mandated To Learn Song

Believing that most Americans do not know the words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner', our national anthem, First Lady Laura Bush is out to teach them.

Mrs. Laura Bush is the Honorary Chairperson of the "National Anthem Project: Restoring America's Voice", an intiative of the MENC: National Association for Music Education and is being sponsored by Jeep.

The project kicked off last week (March 10th) and included performances from school age children and adults, as well as the Oak Ridge Boys and the 'President's Own' U.S. Marine Band. A larger concert is planned, with some six-million children, teachers and music supporters participating, performing American patriotic and popular songs and will be broadcast around the country on PBS, and the Armed Forces Network.

As to the national sponsorship by Jeep, Dieter Zetsche, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Chrysler Group offered;

"Few brands symbolize freedom and patriotism like the Jeep brand …"

The First Lady stated owning a Jeep " … was a fabulous way to see our great country …" and that all Jeep owners will be mandated to learn the song. She hopes her husband, President Bush, will write legislation that will extend this to all automobile owners.

As an element of their sponsorship, Jeep insisted on language in the contract that bars Rosanne Barr from singing the National Anthem at any Jeep-sponsored event.


Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal
of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids
Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

General Mills anounced that they have come to terms with Major League Baseball to have their Wheaties, The Breakfast of Champions, become the 'Official Breakfast Cereal" of the league.

And, in a bombshell, an unprecidented break from tradition, for the first time since 1934, when Lou Gerhig appeared on the cereal box, Wheaties will feature a steroid pill and needle. It's unclear if the featured items are from Balco, or a generic brand of steroids.

Numerous baseball stars have endorsed the cereal, including Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lefty Grove, Mel Ott, Bob Feller, Ted Williams, Hank Greenberg, Stan Musial, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Pee Wee Reese, Warren Spahn, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Johnny Bench, Hank Aaron, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Joe Torre.

Additionally, of the 51 players selected for the 1939 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, 46 endorsed Wheaties. Wheaties also sponsored the first televised commercial sports broadcast on August 29, 1939, when NBC presented a Cincinnati Reds vs. Brooklyn Dodgers broadcast for some 500 television owners in New York City.

"We’re excited about the winning moments that our Wheaties - MLB partnership will bring" said Eric Lucas, Vice President of Marketing for General Mills’ Big G Cereals. "We've always featured the dominant star and this year, it is undoubtedly, steroids".

Lucas, as well as Tim Brosnan, Executive Vice President, Business, Major League Baseball, offered no comment on the impact of the upcoming Congressional hearings on steroids use in baseball and left the door open that a future Wheaties box could have a Congressman on it


Bush Appointment Has Mid-East Fearful With New Hughes Role

The Arab League stated a muted, and very cautious tone in reacting to the announcement of former Bush Aide Karen Hughes' new position of Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy. Hughes will be responsible for crafting Mid-East policies and changing the area's perceptions about the United States. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made the announcement yesterday.

Hughes, a former counselor to President Bush from 2000-2002, also had a major role in shaping Bush's domestic agenda, as well as having her imprint on a number of foreign policy initiatives. Hughes left the administration to move back to Texas.

Some Arab League members are skeptical about the appointment, speculating that there'll be a continuation of false or doctored intelligence and a new call of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the next country the Bush Administration chooses to invade.

There's even confusion if the appointment is true, or if it's an endeavor of the disinformation program started by Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld two-years ago.

'When America starts talking about planting the seeds of democracy", offered one Arab League official, "that's usually our sign to start building our bomb shelters".