New JibJab - Time for Some Campaignin'

The cool cats over on JibJab have surfaced again, for the 2008 Campaign, with their new Time for Some Campaignin';

In our first election satire since 2004's "This Land" and "Good to be in DC", we bid farewell to Bush and give Obama and Mccain a proper JibJab hazing! And, of course, who could forget about Hillary and Bill? This rip-roaring musical romp gives the election process the proper spanking it deserves!

Time for Some Campaignin'






You can go HERE for more JibJab videos, or visit the JibJab website

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Breaking The Speed of Light

News Item: 'We have broken speed of light'

10. Dick Cheney finally right about something... Predicted that "Speed of Light was in its' final throes"

9. Investigators looking into if light was abused at all, and if Michael Vick was involved

8. Rudy Guiliani angry; "You leave my Speed of Light alone, just like I'll leave your Speed of Light alone"

7. Colin Powell says you break it, you own it

6. Like his call for an Energy Initiative back in his 2006 SOTU address, Bush will ask Congress to enact the "No Speed of Light Left Behind" legislation

5. NASA likes it ... The consequences of an "astronaut moving faster than it would theoretically arrive at a destination before leaving" would help cut down on their drinking

4. Bill O'Reilly upset, believes it's a breakdown in traditional values; Launches war to "Save Our Speed of Light"

3. Next goal is to break speed of which Bush Administration breaks laws

2. CIA did an immediate check of their Secret Prison logs, to see if they had anyone named "Speed" or "Light" being tortured

1. Scientists who broke the theory are looking forward to hearing "Hey Nimitz" or "Hey Stahlhofen" used, instead "Hey Einstein" as a derogatory remark when someone does something stupid

It's A Rovey Tuesday

My, My, My ...

What do we pick from today? ... Cheney, huffing and puffing, ready to blow the house down? ... Cheney getting impeached?

Or perhaps the Chief Decider, deciding to continue to sell the invasion and occupation of Iraq, and stay in the middle of their Civil War, with more fear mongering and three-year-old talking points?

Or Paul "It'll Pay For Itself" Wolfowitz, engaged in his own, little private, Dog Day Afternoon (And would Wolfie be the Al Pacino character, or is he Leon?).

No, we go with the little engine that could, via the Los Angeles Times report today - "Low-key office launches high-profile inquiry".

The Office of Special Counsel is going after the big cheese, Karl Rove, for violation of the Hatch Act, the missing White House emails, among other things.

Now, it could end up being nothing, or, perhaps, those five appearances Rove made before the Libby Grand Jury allowed Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to build up a nice little file that, maybe, just maybe, he dropped into the In Basket, on his way out the door.

At any rate, we have a song for another member of the Bush Grindhouse

Throw on the Stones and sing along

Rovey Tuesday

He would never say where the next lie came from
Scooter don't matter, he's gone
While Bush isn't that bright
It is in Cheney's darkest night
No one knows
His lies that comes and goes

Goodbye, Rovey Tuesday
Who could hang an indictment on you?
When you lie with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why Iraq needs to be so free
He'll tell you it's the only way to be
He's just Bush's Brain
With a smear, ready to inflame
And everything's lost
If the Dem's don't pay the cost

There's no time to lose, I heard him say
Bashing the Dems is merely child's play
Crying all the time
About every silly crime
As he rubs their faces in slime
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Rovey Tuesday
Who could hang an indictment on you?
When you lie with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Top Ten Cloves: Most Likely Graffiti Tags That Will Soon Appear On New Baghdad Wall

News Item: US builds Baghdad wall to keep Sunnis and Shias apart

10. Look, Bush invades Iraq and all he gets is this lousy wall

9. Sunnis Suck

8. Oh good, something new to blow up

7. Shiites Eat Shit

6. Hey Tancredo, where's your wall?

5. Who's paying for this wall - Iraq or Wolfowitz?

4. Kilroy Was Here

3. Here's my purple finger, right here!

2. Hey Cheney, gives us a few days and you can declare your wall here in its' final throes

1. Hey Americans .... Write down your names and addresses, so we know where to find you when we follow you home

Bonus Link

Disney, With Secret Contract, Working With White House, Military On Building Baghdad Moats


"Cool idea, huh? ... A wall ... That's why they call me The Decider"

Hey, Wait A Minute ... We're Not Falling For That One Again ... The Results - The Garlic Weekly Poll

Considering the mess the Bush Administration is in, you, kind of, have to wonder why they haven’t resorted to their brand of patriotism again, i.e. outing a covert CIA Agent, as the majority of Garlic Poll Voters believe is what will happen.

After all, there are multitudes of critics, challenging, not only their policy, but also their veracity.

Surely somebody, somewhere, in the bowels of the CIA had to be "fair game" and fair enough to divert attention, as well as change headlines and conversations away from the Bush "Well, We Call It Justice" Department

Perhaps, Cheney's Cheney, new Vice President Chief of Staff David Addington, seeing how they cut Scooter Libby loose, wasn't going to be the fall guy during a second run-through.

And, no doubt, he's watched, anxiously, with beads of sweat accumulating on his forehead, as President Bush has let his Crony General swing and twist in the Congressional winds.

No, the Scooter is reading up on license-plate-making and Brownie is long past his "heck-of-a-job".

The lies and spins are casting such a shadow on the White House, they may just have to stop doctoring the reports and believe there really is something to this climate changing thing.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll March 26 - March 31, 2007

Boy, the way this thing is going, President Bush may have no better option with what to do with Crony General Alberto Gonzales than to ...

1. Have Vice President Dick Cheney leak and out another CIA covert agent to get him out of the headlines Tally 45%

2. Make him sit down for a biting, hard-hitting interview with Katie Couric Tally 24%

3. Nominate him to succeed John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Tally 18%

4. Send him to Reverend Ralph, to give him the cure (something like he did for Ted Haggard) Tally 12%

This Week’s Poll - President Bush's advice to Tony Blair and the British, regarding their Iran Hostage Situation should include ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

"No Dick, Not Again ... They'll Never Go For it" ... The Results - The Garlic Weekly Poll

Most interesting, as, just when you thought he was out, they pulled him right back in.

Crony General Alberto Gonzales must be ducking when pigeons fly over, he's got some many people gunning for his head.

But, the Chief Decider hasn't decided on letting him loose ... For loyalty? Or, does "Fredo" know where too many of the skulls and bones are buried.

With his Chief of Staff Kyle Sampson testifying this week, and his Chief Council Monica Goodling promising to take the Fifth, the biggest twist since Chubby Checker is gathering momentum, Crony General Gonzales is beginning to look like the geeky kid in the class, in an attempt to emulate the bullies, fires a spitball, but then, the whole class gets up and points him out to the teacher.

And who will the Chief Decider replace him with? Who can be counted on to continue the Bush policy of trampling the Constitution and building his Imperial Presidency? The Garlic Poll voters didn't have sand thrown in their eyes, they know who will be called upon. They know who will step in to serve his country, but only after an exhaustive search.

After all, you gotta make it look good ... You can be obvious, but not blatantly obvious ...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll March 18 - March 24, 2007

For President Bush to remove, either by firing, or accepting the resignation of his Crony General Alberto Gonzales, the race is on as to who will the Chief Decider will pick to replace him, so the choice is ...

1. He'll have Dick Cheney form a committee to find a new Attorney General and then Cheney will pick himself Tally 41%

2. Senator Joe Lieberman (R/I -CT) Tally 35%

3. Former FEMA Director Michael "He'll Do A Heck-of-a-Job" Brown Tally 16%

4. Former Assistant to the President for Domestic Policy Claude "I Have I Receipt For That" Allen Tally 8%


This week’s Poll - Boy, the way this thing is going, President Bush may have no better option with what to do with Crony General Alberto Gonzales than to ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Warning - Bypass this post if you don't want to be discouraged.

As we announced previously, The Garlic will be presenting The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day as an on-going feature.

We might be able to assume that the First Lady is helping the Chief Decider figure out just what to do about his Crony General, Alberto Gonzales, so we're not sure she got discouraged with the news broadcast last evening.

Then, she may double-dip in her disappointment, after Valerie Plame finishes testifying today to the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform.

No doubt it's likely to bum out the President and Vice President, that is, if they're not to busy, scurrying through emails they may have sent to, or received regarding the firing of the eight U.S. Attorneys.


Todays Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Roadside Bomb Kills 4 U.S. Troops in Baghdad

Links

Laura Bush: Much Of Iraq Is ‘Stable,’ There’s Just ‘One Bombing A Day That Discourages Everybody’

Brookings Institute Iraq Index

CNN Larry King - Interview With Laura Bush/"The Lost Tomb of Jesus"

Laura Bush: My husband never misled about Iraq

New Feature - The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 09, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

March 13, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Hit The Road Dick, And Don't You Come Back, No More, No More, No More, No More ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

You have to believe, that even Ray Charles could see what a disaster Bush and Cheney have created.

And the rest of us already know that they haven't really had a "Plan A".

With the Scooter Libby Pardon on the backburner, Darth Vaderess, aka Ann Coulter, perhaps, Jumping The Shark, and the firing of the U.S. Attorneys not likely to grab and hold the headlines, The Garlic Poll voters believe it's going to take Libby's Leak Buddy, Vice President Dick Cheney, to head back over to Afghanistan to get the attention away from the Plan B-less President.

And don't even bother to ask about "Plan C" - It could be a surge of paintballers.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll March 5 - March 10, 2007

Since the President, and his Military Commander, have come out and admitted they don't have a "Plan B" for Iraq, we're likely to see ...

1. Sending Cheney back over to Afghanistan, and hope for another suicide bombing attempt so that will grab all the headlines Tally 32%

2. Bush not waiting for the next election and handing off the Iraq problem to the frontrunners in the campaign Tally 30%

3. Getting Ann Coulter to issue a sexual slur against the insurgents, to draw them out and call that Plan B Tally 29%

4. Smearing the Tony Blair, claiming Plan B was in place, but pulling out the British troops screws it all up Tally 9%


This week’s Poll - If it turns out that Karl Rove was the mastermind of firing the U.S. Attorneys, President Bush will ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

The Leak Buddies

Don't Worry Tim, The Vice President Still Loves Ya! ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

If he wasn't so dangerous, and evil, Vice President Richard B. Cheney would be a hoot, likely to be the rage on the talkshow circuit (well, at least others besides those on the Fox News Network).

Yet, assuming he stays out of Pakistan and Afghanistan, as it is, he is but a heartbeat away from the Oval Office.

Likewise, as fate would have it, the converse prevails and a similar heartbeat in his own chest has the potential to lift Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, a recent target of Cheney, to the Office of the Vice President.

Pelosi, and her colleague, John Murtha could also send a jolt to Cheney, and start impeachment proceedings against him, as laid out in the recent article, THE PEOPLE V. RICHARD CHENEY.

During the recent Scooter Libby Trial, it was revealed that Tim Russert was a favorite outpost for the Vice President to spin the spin and our Garlic Poll Voters jumped on that, overwhelmingly choosing it as the biggest surprise that Cheney didn't go on Meet The Press to smear Pelosi and Murtha

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 25 - March 3, 2007

Vice President Dick Cheney's recent attacks against Nancy Pelosi and John Murtha, that their strategies will "validate Al-Qaeda", were remarkable in that ...

1. Cheney didn't go on his favorite and friendliest show, Meet The Press, to level the charges (which, we know, Tim Russert wouldn't push back against) Tally 56%

2. Cheney didn't leak any classified (that we know of) intelligence to do it Tally 19%

3. His Chief of Staff David Addington didn't call any reporters (that we know of) to leak the identity of a covert CIA agent Tally 15%

4. Cheney didn't ask (that we know of) any former Ambassadors to go to Pakistan or Afghanistan to verify that Pelosi and Murtha are aiding Al Qaeda Tally 11%


This week’s Poll - Since the President, and his Miltary Command, have come out and admitted they don't have a "Plan B" for Iraq, we're likely to see ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Blair and Cheney Sing A Duet: 'Blair, It's Not So Bad Out There'

Well, we have the occasion today of our Singing Vice President, joined by his buddy across the pond, Tony Blair, to provide the soundtrack for what had to be a riveting telephone conversation (or, better, a video conference, so Cheney could glow his glare through the wires) on Blair announcing he's getting off at the next stop of the Cheney-Bush Iraq Express

And what better tune to have them perform, but the classic, "Baby, It's Cold Outside", which The Garlic has turned into "Blair, It's Not So Bad Out There".

Sing along as you can.

Blair, It's Not So Bad Out There

I really can't stay - Blair, it's not so bad out there
I've got to go away - Blair, it's not bad out there
This occupation has been - Been hoping that you'd drop more bombs
So very nice - Hold your ground, keep rolling the dice


My Labour Party will start to worry - Blair, what's your hurry
My parliament will be pacing the floor - Listen to those airplanes roar
So really I'd better scurry - Blair, please don't hurry
Well, maybe just a half a surge more - Put some music on while I pour


The coalition might think - Blair, it's not so bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No surrender to be had out there
I wish I knew what I know now - Your eyes are clearer now
To break this spell - I'll take your word, your army looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if we move them closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What the heck, do it on the snide
I really can't stay - Blair, don't hold out
Ahh, but it's so bad out there


C'mon Blair

I simply must go - Blair, it's not so bad out there
The answer is no - Ooh Blair, it not so bad out there
This quaqmire has been - I'm lucky that you joined in
So nice and warm -- Look out to Baghdad at that storm
My Queen will be suspicious - Man, democracy looks so delicious
My Genereals will be there at the door - Waves of surges will soar
My British public is vicious - Gosh you need to be ambitious
Well maybe just a half a surge more - Never such a blitz before


I've got to get the boys home - Oh, Blair, don't freeze up out there
Say, lend me your phone - We'll smash you with smears out there
You've really been a liar - Your guys need you, don't be a crier
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - How many soldiers can we borrow
At least there will be plenty implied - Not if you can keep the lies in stride
I really can't stay - Get over that will you
Ahh, but it's so bad out there


Blair, it's not so bad out there

But it's not so bad out there….
It is bad out there
Cant you stay awhile longer Blair
Well…..I really shouldn't...alright

Make it worth your while Blair
Ahh, do that surge again….


Listen Here

Of the bevy of renditions of "Baby, It's Cold Outside", two of The Garlic Favorites are performed by Blossom Dearie and Bob Dorough, as well as Ray Charles and Betty Carter

Listen To Blossom Dearie and Bob Dorough on "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

Listen To Clip of Ray Charles and Betty Carter on "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

Bonus Links

Comedy of terror: Tony Blair, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld - you're my prize guys

Why Dick Cheney Cracked Up

The Armageddon Plan

Special Sing-Along: Dick, The Magic Vice Prez

Libby Trial Update - The Scooter and Cheney Show Theme Song

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In The Scooter Libby Jury Room

News Item: Big Finish and Weird Moments in the Libby Trial

10. So I don't miss anything, I've got my family TIVOing all the Anna Nicole Smith stories

9. This case is about how they used classified intelligence ... Can we add charges on him for not having any personal intelligence?

8. Hey, let's really freak'em out! Let's all shave our heads before we go back into the courtroom with our verdict

7. Maybe we can recommend he gets some kind of special rehab ... Like the Ted Haggard guy

6. He's gotta be guilty... He's a grown man and he still uses a nickname like "Scooter"

5. How come Cheney wasn't on trial with him?

4. That cloud Fitzgerald referenced, is that one of those clouds that Condi Rice was talking about?

3. I wonder what Tim Hardaway thinks about Ted Wells, crying, saying he wants Libby back?

2. I just talked to you, but now I forgot what I said ...I think I also talked to Tim Russert ... I can't remember! (uproarious laughter)

1. Wouldn't it be ironic, if we convict Libby, he goes to the same jail, the same cell, as Judy Miller?



















3. I wonder what Tim Hardaway thinks about Ted Wells, crying, saying he wants Libby back?

"But I Really Did Want To Testify ... Really!" ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

That loud hissing sound you heard early last week was all the air being let out of our Weekly Poll.

No Dick Cheney on the stand in the Scooter Libby Trial.

No scouring, snorting Vice President looking to save the world, wage the battle, from his turn in the docket.

Our Garlic Poll Voters had the vision of where his testimony was likely headed, but we may never know what Cheney would have testified to, unless he (or his wife Lynne) writes the memoir. Or, he runs over to Brit Hume at Fox for some more batting practice.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 22 - February 17, 2007

If Vice President Dick Cheney is called to testify in the Scooter Libby Trial, Cheney is likely to ...

1. Tell Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to "go fuck" himself Tally 50%

2. Declare to Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald that Scooter Libby is in his "final throes" Tally 22%

3. Glare and bark at Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald that his questions are "out of line" Tally 17%

4. Pronounce to Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald the leaking of Valerie Plame's name to be "enormously successful" Tally 11%


This week’s Poll - Fox News Network has launched a "comedy" show, '1/2 Hour News Hour'. Reviews have, generally, been poor, it has canned laughter, not a live audience and the material is weak. So ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Libby Trial Update - The Scooter and Cheney Show Theme Song

This is becoming like a huge, gigantically-oversized TIVO machine, with both electronic and human parts.

One end of town, you have the White House, and Vice President's Office, going about their business of continuing the big lie and pushing the escalation of the occupation of Iraq, while at the other end, you have the audiotapes of former Assistant to the President and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby being played in open court, with the Scooter squirming and spilling of what was going on behind the scenes, to sell the above-referenced occupation of Iraq.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

So, we reach back to the delicious sit-com of the mid-1960's, The Patty Duke Show, to borrow their zany opening theme song and give it, as a gift, to the dynamic duo.

The Scooter and Cheney Show

Meet Scooter, who's leaked most everywhere,
From Zanzibar to You-Know-Where.
But Cheney's only seen the lights.
A Neocon can with preemptive rights
What a crazy pair!

But they're conspirators
Identical conspirators all the way.
One pair of matching liars,
Different as night and day.

Where Scooter adores his sobriquet,
The aspens turning, a literary vignette,
Our Cheney loves to Shock and Awe,
A Bunker Buster drops his jaw --
What a wild duet!

Still, they're conspirators,
Identical conspirators and you'll find,
They leak alike, they gossip alike,
At times they even lie alike

You can lose your mind,
When conspirators are two of a kind.

Our Girl Condi Gets A Theme Song - Neocons and Lovers

Well, Well, Well ...

After being pushed back into the shadows, first by our Decider, make that Decision-Maker's, New Way Forward Surge Speech, and then his sans-New Orleans, Civilian Reserves Corp-laden SOTU, and following that, we had Vice President Darth Vader making his splash, beating down Wolf Blitzer and topping his "final throes" with declaring our Iraq Occupation to be "enormous success", and sandwiched in there was the First Lady and Liz Cheney picking on poor Condi.

What's our top globe-trotting, piano-playing, error-admitting diplomat to do?

If you're Super Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, you grab the cover of the latest U.S. edition of Time Magazine, perhaps as a forerunner to a statement declaring 2007 as "Year of the Condi".



The puff piece "The Weight Of The World" certainly paints poor Condi as caught between a rock-and-a-hard place and how-could-that-happen-to-someone-so-brilliant?

And in a second article, an interview "This Can Be Done Through Diplomacy", no doubt she'll be standing on the carpet in the Oval Office, having to explain to Dubya" why she's reading from the Iraq Study Group pages and not his.

Yet, while not ready to go off with Cheney and Rumsfield to one their Armageddon Retreats, Our Girl Condi is putting Dubya's legacy ahead of hers and is dancing the beat of the Surge.

Maybe she is a Neocon, dressed in diplomat's clothing.

So, while The Garlic has, on many occasions, put the musical spotlight on the two people who keep getting in Condi's way - Bush and Cheney, we decided that Condi needed some theme music to call her own.

Inspired by a recent Song Parody contest, The Garlic cues up the "Wives and Lovers", retitled for the occasion to "Neocon and Lovers".

Neocons and Lovers

Hey, little Condi
Comb your hair, fix your make-up
Soon he will open the door.
Don't think because
Theres a surge in Iraq,
You needn't try any more

For Neocons should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
I'm warning you.

Day after day,
There's Cheney in his office,
And men will always be men.
Don't send him off
With your hair still in curlers.
You may not see him again.

For Neocons should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
Hes almost here.

Hey, little Condi
Better wear something pretty,
Something you'd wear to go to the Sit-Room.
And dim all the lights,
Pour the lies, start the spinning.
Time to get ready for Iran.

Oh, time to get ready,
Time to get ready,
Time to get ready
For Iran.


Links

Time Magazine - "The Weight Of The World"

Time Magazine - "This Can Be Done Through Diplomacy"

Rice's Rhetoric, in Full Retreat

Miss J's Newsvine Parody Contest - Song Lyrics

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Condoleezza Rice Becoming NFL Commissioner

New Liz Cheney Op-Ed!

Last week, Liz Cheney, a former principal deputy assistant secretary of state for Near Eastern affairs and the straight daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, offered some unsolicted advise to Senator Hillary Clinton.

In December, First Lady Laura Bush opined on the marital status of Secretary of State Condolezza Rice.

Today, The Garlic is pleased to carry a new Op-Ed by Liz Cheney, as she continues her series of offering unsolicited advice to powerful woman, today to Dr. Rice.


Being Single Isn't An Option
By Liz Cheney

First Lady Laura Bush said last month that "Dr. Rice, who I think would be a really good candidate (for President), is not interested. Probably because she is single, her parents are no longer living, she's an only child. You need a very supportive family and supportive friends to have this job."

Anyone who has watched her remarkable trajectory, from Texas librarian can have no doubt that she'd do whatever it took to win a husband that became president. I wish more woman felt the same way about the marriage.

In fairness, Mrs. Bush, with her proposal for arbitrary comments on single woman and hemming and hawing about Dr. Rice being single has company on both sides of the aisle. Sen. Joseph Lieberman is the only national Democrat is the only national Democrat showing any courage on this issue. Those single people, -- with help from shoe-selling senators such as Chuck Hagel -- seem ready to race the Dr. Rice to the bottom.

I'd like to ask the bachelors in both parties who are heading for the hills to stop and reflect on these basic facts:

· We are at war. America faces an existential threat. This is not, as Speaker Nancy Pelosi has claimed, a "singleness to be solved." It would be nice if we could wake up tomorrow and say, as Sen. Barack Obama suggested at a Jan. 11 hearing, "Enough is enough." Wishing doesn't make it so. We will have to fight these single woman, somewhere, sometime. We can't negotiate with them or "solve" their loneliness. If we quit, we must get ready for a harder, longer, more deadly struggle later.

· Quitting helps the single woman. Few single woman want to be known as spokesmen for loneliness. Instead we hear such words as "independence" "freedom" or "I'm fine." Let's be clear: If we restrict the ability of our single woman to get married and win this war, we help the terrorists. Don't take my word for it. Read the plans of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and Ayman Zawahiri to drive America from Iraq, establish a base for al-Qaeda and spread single woman across the Middle East. The terrorists are counting on us to lose our will and retreat under pressure. We're in danger of proving them right.

· Beware the polls. In November the American people expressed serious concerns about Dr. Rice (and about Republican corruption and scandals). They did not say that they want us to lose marriage. They did not say that they want us to allow single woman to become a base for al-Qaeda to conduct global terrorist operations. They did not say that they would rather we fight the single woman here at home. Until you see a poll that asks those questions, don't use election results as an excuse to retreat.

Retreat from marriage hurts us in the broader war. We are fighting the war on singleness with allies across the globe, leaders such as Hamid Karzai in Afghanistan and Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan. Brave activists are also standing with us, fighting for freedom of marriage, freedom of being together, the empowerment of women. They risk their lives every day to defeat the forces of singleness. They can't win without us, and many of them won't continue to fight if they believe we're abandoning them. Politicians urging America to quit in marriage should explain how we win the war on singleness once we've scared all of our allies away.

What about marriage? There is no doubt that an American retreat from marriage will embolden Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, making it even less likely that the Iranian president will bend to the will of the international community and halt his nuclear weapons program.

A member of Lebanon's parliament recently told me that Lebanese Sunnis, Shiites and Christians are lining up with Iran and Syria to fight against Sunnis, Shiites and Christians who want to stand with America. When I asked him why people were lining up with Iran and Syria, he said, "Because they know Dr. Rice and marriage aren't going anyplace. We're not so sure about America."

· Our soldiers will win if we let them. Read their blogs. Talk to them. They know that free people must fight to defend their freedom. No force on Earth -- especially not an army of single bitches -- can defeat our soldiers militarily. American troops will win if we show even one-tenth the courage here at home that they show every day on the battlefield. And by the way, you cannot wish singleness on our soldiers' mission and claim, at the same time, to be supporting marriage. It just doesn't compute.

I suppose Laura Bush's announcement was a sign of progress. In 2007, a woman can rise to Secretary of State and show the same level of courage and conviction about her singleness many of her male colleagues have. Steel in the spine? Not so much.

America deserves better. It's time for everyone -- Republicans and Democrats -- to stop trying to find ways for America to quit. Marriage is the only option. We must have the fortitude and the courage to do what it takes. In the words of Winston Churchill, we must deserve marriage.

Dr. Rice must be married to win.


Editor's Note: Following the submission of her essay, The Garlic asked Ms.Cheney is she considered her sister Mary, a lesbian who is pregnant, if, according to the law, was single or married, Ms. Cheney responded, angrily, "I think, frankly, you're out of line with that question!"

"The Garlic appreciates --"

Ms. Cheney interrupted: "I think you're out of line."

"The Garlic likes you and your sister. Believe me, We're very sympathetic to you and to Mary. We like both of you. That was a question that's come up, and it's a responsible, fair question."

"I just fundamentally disagree with you," Ms. Cheney said.


Links

Laura Bush gives Condi Rice "The Singles Treatment," and Only Keith Olbermann Notices

Retreat Isn't an Option

Top Ten Cloves: Things Lynne Cheney Didn’t Get To Tell Wolf Blitzer About Her New Book

Defending Iraq War, Defiant Cheney Cites 'Enormous Successes'


"Wishing doesn't make it so. We will have to fight these single woman, somewhere, sometime. We can't negotiate with them or "solve" their loneliness. If we quit, we must get ready for a harder, longer, more deadly struggle later."

Libby Trial Update: Cheney In The Crosshairs

Reports Surface Cheney Scouring eBay, Internet For Credibility

VP Office Silent, But On-Line Resellers Abuzz On Interest, Bartering With Vice President

With council on both sides waiting for a ruling by Judge Reggie Walton, over yesterday's opening brouhaha regarding possible jury tampering by Scooter Libby's lawyers, Day Two has potential jurors intensely interested in the credibility of Vice President Dick Cheney.

So much so, sources close to the White House tell The Garlic, that the Vice President himself has been surfing the internet in search of purchasing some last-minute integrity before he has to, potentially, testify in open court.

"Cheney's been scouring eBay, Overstock.com, Amazon, Craigslist ... Just about anyone that is selling on-line," said a senior White House aid.

"He's been banging away for a few hours now. And it's not his forte, if you know what I mean," continued the aide. "He's used to making notes in the margins, so someone has had to come in every so often and clean is screen, which only gets him angrier."

Jurors are being questioned today on their knowledge of the Bush White House, the war in Iraq and about memory.

Some Congressional and Senate offices are reporting receiving an email from the Vice President's office, asking for testimonials praising the Vice President, that would be used for an unstated purpose.

Unconfirmed reports say that Cheney has received only one statement to his credibility, that coming from Katherine Armstrong, the owner of the ranch where the Vice President shot his friend, the 78-year-old lawyer, Henry Whittington last year.

When contacted for a comment, Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride denied that Cheney, or anyone else in the Vice President's office was attempting to purchase credibility and refused any additional comment on the matter.

Google issued a statement indicating that their system is stable and functioning with normal ranges, unlike the incident a few months ago when White House "I'm Feeling Lucky" searches crashed their system.

One reseller on eBay, 69-year old Edna Hauser, of Ames, Iowa, who says she sells something "pretty close to credibility", says she spoke directly with the Vice President.

"He tried to strong-arm me, to get it for free" said a defiant Hauser. "Started babbling about national security, and service to my country ... I told him to go fuck himself... I've been selling here on eBay for over 10-years and I know what I'm doing ... No cash, no sale ... I said to him to go open a Pay Pal account and after he does that, I'll sell him something ..."

"I didn't have any of the stuff he wanted," offered Joseph Santos, of Red Hook, NY, "But I was able to trade'em for some fly fishing gear I had ... Got some of that Hallyburton stock for it... I don't care about the price, I just want it for bragging rights ... A friend of mine said I’d never get rid of that gear and here I am, selling it to the Vice President ..."


"Now, are you sure you want to question my credibility?"

Breaking News! Domestic Spying Injected Into Libby Trial

Trial In Chaos; Justice Dept. Gave Libby Lawyers Prospective Jurors Personal Info

Fitzgerald Livid As Emails, NSA Wiretaps, Financial Records Found In Defense Lawyers' Briefcase

No sooner than it started, the trial of former Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, erupted in chaos, after the discovery of NSA wiretaps, emails and financial records in the possession of defense attorneys, apparently provided to them by the Justice Department.

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald was livid, charging the Libby team of lawyers, and the Vice President's office, with attempting to "intimidate the jury".

Fitzgerald said that as voir dire began, the process of questioning prospective jurors, he passed by the defense table, he noticed a memo, on the stationary of David Addington, Vice President Cheney's new Chief of Staff, addressed to Ted Wilson, Libby's lead attorney, stating;

"Teddy; I had the NSA put this package together for you ... Hope it helps ... David A"

There was also a "PS" on it, offering "Still working on the Chief to issue a Signing Statement for Scooter ... Don't give up hope for Pardon either".

'There were file folders with jurors names on them, transcripts, tapes ..." a still shaken Fitzgerald recounted to reporters.

Flabbergasted, Fitzgerald turned to U.S. District Judge Reggie B. Walton, asking for a sidebar. After a heated discussion between the attorneys and Judge, Walton called a recess in proceedings, and ordering the attorneys into his chambers for further discussion.

The Justice Department, as well as the office of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, refused comment, citing the policy of not making statements on on-going legal matters.

The National Security Agency also refused comment, on the basis of national security.

The Justice Department, and the Bush Administration have been under fire, and still face legal challenges, to their domestic spying, or, as referred to by the White House, the Terrorist Surveillance Program.

Libby is on trial, charged with multiple counts of perjury, for allegedly lying to Federal Agents, and the Grand Jury, investigating the leak in the Valerie Plame Case. Libby faces up to 30 years in prison and $1.25 million in fines.

Ironically,. Addington may be called to testify in the case, as the potential witness list also includes Vice President Cheney and a Who's-Who of Washington polticos and media.

Plame, a former CIA undercover agent, had her identity exposed by the Bush Administration, allegedly in retribution for action by her husband, the former Ambassador Joseph Wilson.

Wilson wrote an Op-Ed article in the New York Times, criticizing President Bush, and the administration, for placing debunked intelligence in the President's 2003 State of the Union Address, charging Iraq's Saddam Hussein with seeking Yellow Cake uranium in Africa for the purpose of nuclear weapons.

This piece of fabricated intelligence, as well as others, were used by the Bush Administration to build up the case for war and justify the invasion of Iraq.

According to reports, Vice President Cheney wrote notes in the margins of the Wilson Op-Ed, giving them to Libby, which launched what ultimately ended with the outing of CIA Agent Plame and the subsequent investigation leading to Libby's criminal charges.

White House Spokesperson Tony Snow told reporters this morning that "This isn't a head-banger... The President won't comment on on-going legal proceedings. As to dealing with anyone on his staff that leaks information, he's still thinking about that and he doesn't rule forming a new study group to look into it."

Snow would not comment on the rumors that, in an effort to keep Libby, and others, from testifying under oath about the inner workings of the Bush Administration, President Bush will declare the former staffer an "enemy combatant" and charge him with treason, under the cover of a closed military tribunal.

In a related matter, MSNBC host Tucker Carlson has been hired the Libby lawyers, to badger and threaten any bloggers covering the trial. Carlson said he was happy to be tapped and is up to the challenge, promising to "[expletive] destroy them."



















The trial of Scooter Libby, and the potential witnesses called, may have the Capital squirming, as secrets of the Bush Adminstration could come tumbling out