Top Ten Cloves: Ways Dixie Chicks Can Begin To Win Back Country Music Fans

News Item: Country radio still cold to Dixie Chicks

10. Offer to go up into Upstate New York and shovel all the snow

9. Announce next new album - All John Philips Sousa, but with a country twist

8. Natalie Maines can win over Australian country music fans, saying that she is proud that Prime Minister John Howard comes from Australia

7. Natalie Maines can win over U.S. country music fans and say that she's embarrassed that Barak Obama comes from Illinois

6. Use big Grammy win to get guest spots on '24' and have script written that they save Nashville from terrorist bombs

5. Offer to testify for Scooter Libby

4. Get Bush Administration to make new claim that Iranian-made weapons are destroying troops Country Music CD's

3. Refuse any interview requests from Wolf Blitzer

2. Write a song about her and donate the five Grammys to Anna Nicole Smith's now-orphaned daughter

1. Even though is about three-years late, announce that Maines is entering into Rehab

Top Ten Cloves: Reason President Bush Is Now Only "The Decision-Maker" And Not "The Decider"

News Item: Bush: 'I'm the Decision-Maker' on Iraq

10. Hedging his bets on how the Libby Trial winds up

9. No issue - Decision-Maker on Iraq, The Decider on everything else

8. Thought it was time to break out his Civilian Reserve Corps moniker

7. After authorizing U.S. Soldiers to kill Iranians, part of the plan to throw Iran off-balance

6. Only recommendation of the Iraq Study Group he was willing to undertake

5. Just in an "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" mood today

4. Fred Kagan and General Keane said it would help the surge

3. First Lady was going to make him go into rehab if he kept going around, calling himself "The Decider"

2. Pulled the "I'm the Decider" on Cheney, right after the Wolf Blitzer interview and Cheney barked back "You're out of line ... "

1. Rove worked his "The Math" again and said the change would make my polls numbers go up












"The Decider" - Out

"The Decision-Maker" - In

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Cully Stimson's Apology Over His Guantanamo/Lawyers Remarks

News Item: U.S. Official Apologizes for Guantanamo Remarks

10. Felt, with Rumsfeld, and his blunt way of speaking, gone, was his chance to step into the administration limelight

9. Only made apology because he feared Joint Chiefs of Staff were going to write another letter, protesting about him

8. Was looking to get "into the heads" of any Iranian terrorist that we might capture when we invade Iran, that they won't get good lawyers

7. Naked attempt of trying to brown-nose Vice President Dick Cheney

6. Filing protest with President Bush - How come he gets slammed for one comment, when Karl Rove can go around smearing anyone he wants

5. Thought saying lawyers shouldn't do do pro bono work for terrorism suspects might help ease the violence in Iraq

4. Early investigation points towards he was trying to shakedown the lawyers

3. Made comments under duress; Has been edgy over the news of Castro being close to death

2. Really meant to say he was calling for a "surge of lawyers" to hit Gitmo

1. Taking one for the team; Took it upon himself to deflect attention away from the President's speech last week

Top Ten Cloves: Other Features Of New iPhone Not Mentioned At MacWorld

News Item: Apple Seeks To Muscle Into Telecom With iPod Phone

10. Apple cooperating with British Government; If you try to take picture of Prince William’s girlfriend, Kate Middleton, with iPhone camera, system shuts down and for next 10-minutes, iPhone berates you as a “scumbag” and “parasite”

9. New iPhone gets better reception if you wear black turtleneck jersey

8. Upgrade your iPhone to the former Senator Rick Santorum model and turn it into a Weapons of Mass Destruction locater

7. Ability to send video reports to iSqueal

6. Partnership with Cingular not only raises the bar, but with optional feature, can turn your iPhone into a fully-stocked mobile bar, complete with wet sink, for libations on-the-go

5. On-Off Feature of Loud Snickering, anytime you walk past someone with a Microsoft Zune

4. Terrorist-Proof; Touch screen automatically sends your fingerprints to FBI for Terror Watch Database inquiry

3. Special Commemorative President Bush model comes pre-loaded with permits that allows you to use your new iPhone to drill for oil in Alaska

2. Adults-Only X-Rated Model allows for your new iPhone to, how should we say, “interact” with your Roomba (Not Included; Roomba sold separately)

1. One-Touch dialing to backdate your stock purchases and sales

Bonus Link

From The Garlic Archives

Friday 9 September 2005 - New iPod Phone Requires Downloading Calls

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During The NSC Meeting At President’s Crawford Ranch

News Item: Bush Deciding Iraq Policy at Texas Ranch

10. Forget using New Orleans again to give the speech ... Edwards just announced for 2008 down there this morning

9. Yeah, look at this ... Tell me the President isn’t regifting again this year....

8. Let’s say, hypothetically, if Bush resigned, I don’t know I could trust Cheney to give him a pardon

7. Be careful after the meeting ... Bush is going to try to sucker you into helping wack weeds around the ranch

6. We get Donald Trump involved in the Economic Package... Have him run an “Apprentice Iraq” thing that will create hundreds of jobs

5. Gates, you’re the rookie here, so its on you to go make the taco run ...

4. I’m sorry Mr. President, you can’t release the new Iraq Strategy via Signing Statement, you have to do it with a public speech

3. After we get the strategy settled, let’s stick around and brainstorm a little on how we can get Condi a husband

2. Excuse me Mr. Vice President ... As we mentioned twice already, we’re here today to discuss Iraq, not Iran

1. How much longer do we have to keep up the appearance we’re that we’re really paying attention to the Iraq Study Groups’ Report?

President Bush indicated, with his hands, on just how close he is to coming up with a new strategy for Iraq

Top Ten Cloves: Other Surprising Things Found With Microsoft’s New Windows Vista Software

News Item: Vista Flaw Discovered, Risk Believed Low

10. All on his own, Donald Trump announced he’s giving Microsoft a second chance with Vista, which you can see on his “Apprentice” show next month

9. In conjunction with the release, Microsoft suing the City of Chula Vista, so product isn’t associated with “the Cleveland of California”

8. Promises LonelyGirl15 that with Vista, she won’t be lonely any longer

7. Knowing Microsoft’s history, Apple launching a “Frequent Crash Points” program to PC Users; Possible to earn enough to get a Mac

6. While Russian Hackers may be able to break into Vista, Microsoft assuring that there is no threat of Polonium 210 poisoning

5. Former President Ford tried to hang on for the Vista release, but the delays were too much

4. Rep Tom Tancredo (R-CO) misheard the news and has already prepared legislation to shut down Microsoft so they don’t make “Visas for illegal aliens available on the Internet”

3. White House staff had a pool going on what would come first - The release of Vista or Bush’s new Iraq Strategy

2. Bugs and flaws are guaranteed to have you throwing chairs and cursing just like Steve Ballmer

1. Code written into Vista that sends all your data directly to NSA, so they don’t have to bother with the FISA Court or take the time and trouble to tap into you

Top Ten Cloves: How Rep. Virgil Goode Believes His Letter and Comments Against Rep Ellison and Muslims Are In The Christmas Spirit

News Item: Lawmaker Stands Firm on Quran Criticism

10. Since Ellison has already been elected, doesn’t think he’ll have to ask new Congress for a fence or wall to be built around Minnesota

9. Nothing wrong, now that there’s a Muslim in Congress, to reinforce the walls of his office and suggests other members do likewise if they want to enjoy future Christmas Holidays

8. Didn’t call or refer to him as a “Macaca”

7. As soon as he’s finished with Ted Haggard, would like to see Rep. Ellison sit down with James Dobson for some "Spiritual Restoration"

6. Denies that he said he wants, after a vote in Congress that Rep. Ellison walk around with purple dye on his finger

5. Hasn’t asked Rep. Ellison to prove he’s a good American by going out, as President Bush advocated, shopping

4. Sending new letter ... Instead of causing trouble, would like to see Rep. Ellison take his six imam constituents to the airport and sing Christmas carols

3. Wouldn’t think of defacing, in any way, the Koran Ellison will use for his swearing-in ceremony

2. Hasn’t called for any Danish cartoonist to draw anything that would insult Ellison

1. Willing to go up to Minnesota with Rep. Ellison, drop in the snow and see who makes “Snow Angels” or who makes “Snow Allahs”

Didn’t call or refer to him as a “Macaca”

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Vice President Dick Cheney’s Holiday Party

News Item: Cheney Holiday Party Sponsored By Kazakh "Snow Queen" Vodka...

10. I asked for a Gin-and-Tonic and what I got was a Gin-and-Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

9. Nice touch, sending out the party invitations in the margins of newspapers

8. I’m surprised Cheney didn’t come out and announce that Rumsfeld was in his final throes

7. I heard that right after Christmas, Cheney’s going to begin rehearsing his testimony for the Libby Trial

6. Don’t worry about Cheney having a cocktail, or two ... The guns are locked up in a different location

5. Bush wants to put his Presidential Library at SMU, where’s Cheney going to put his Vice Presidential Secret Bunker?

4. Too bad Judith Regan got fired, I heard Cheney was up for writing “If I Lied, Here’s How I Would Have Fabricated The Case For WMD’s”

3. If only the President had a “Bush’s Bush”, just like “Cheney’s Cheney”, we’d be a lot better off

2. You’ll find out who was in his Energy Meetings before you’ll discover who the father is of his daughter’s baby

1. You want to see fireworks? Get a few drinks into the wife and say the words “Wolf Blitzer”

Nice touch, sending out the party invitations in the margins of newspapers

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Why Saudi Arabian Ambassador Suddenly Resigned His Post

News Item: Saudi Ambassador Abruptly Resigns, Leaves Washington

10. Made reference to “Iraq Civil War” in the presence of President Bush and was promptly deported back to Saudi Arabia

9. Wanted to leave earlier but stayed to collect his year-end dividend from The Carlyle Group

8. Didn’t feel safe in USA, after reports of State Department using Google to gather their Intelligence

7. Leaving early, so he doesn’t get called to testify at Scooter Libby’s trial next month

6. Heard a rumor that blogger Michele Malkin was getting ready of accusing him of exaggerating the violence in Iraq

5. Bush has been badgering him for a New Way Forward

4. Panicked ... Heard rumors that Saudi Arabia was considering trading him for Alan Iverson

3. Lost a bet ... Said he’d leave and go home as soon as Bush’s ratings dropped below 30%

2. Was outraged that Tom DeLay started blogging and is leaving in protest

1. Really liked eating at Taco Bell restaurants and with the latest E. Coli breakout...

Lost a bet ... Said he’d leave and go home as soon as Bush’s ratings dropped below 30%

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The National Christmas Tree Lighting

News Item: Bush Lights National Christmas Tree

10. This is the second tree they brought in ... Rumsfeld picked out the first one... It had scrawny branches and hardly any bark

9. I heard there’s a simulcast thing going on ... They’re making Maliki put up and light a tree in Baghdad, but it will be built into the security thing over there

8. I don’t see the Cheney’s but the daughter’s wife is here

7. I heard we were going to call it the “National Holiday Tree” until Bill O’Reilly started flapping his gums

6. Did you know this is the most expensive National Christmas Tree ever - Halliburton decorated it and strung the lights

5. Look, the First Lady’s dress is the same color as the tree!

4. I think he’s a little steamed ... He kept pacing, mumbling something about lighting the tree isn’t something Baker is making him do

3. Nice touch with the “Tree Lighting Accomplished” banner

2. It’s a new lighting system this year ... The Park’s people found this really cool design on the “Operation Iraqi Freedom Document Portal” Website

1. I can’t stay long ... I have to go over to the private tree lighting ceremony over at Dick Cheney’s Secret Bunker

He kept pacing, mumbling something about lighting the tree isn’t something Baker is making him do

Top Ten Cloves: Other Ways NBC Thought About Announcing They Were Calling Iraq A Civil War

News Item: This Just In: Matt Lauer Says Iraq in Midst of Civil War

10. Thought about putting it in one of the “Deal Or No Deal” briefcases, but couldn’t predict when that one would be picked

9. With Jack Welch finally gone, they could take a few chances without being yelled at

8. Was going to have Brian Williams apologize for the delay in calling it a Civil War

7. One Hour Special of Tim Russert holding up his little white board with the words “Civil War” written on it

6. Patricia Arquette came to them with a premonition

5. New Thursday night “Must-Account-For-Civil-War-TV!

4. Hardball’s Chris Matthews was nearly foaming at the mouth against calling it a Civil War, so we knew we had to go the other way

3. Three-episode storyline in new show “Friday Night Lights”

2. CNBC’s Jim Kramer had been ranting for weeks “Booyah! Civil War” and news division thought there might be something to it

1. Was waiting for Katie Couric to leave before making the announcement

New Thursday night “Must-Account-For-Civil-War-TV!

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Newt Gingrich Would Like To Reexamine

News Item: Step Away From The Constitution, Mr. Gingrich, And Put Your Hands Where We Can See Them

10. Make note to call Santorum, offer to coach him ... It’s too bad he burned out there

9. Why did Junior pick that gadfly Baker to run the Iraq Study Group, when I, with my superior mind, could have done it?

8. Probably should have titled my book “Owning The Future”, instead of “Winning The Future” ... Owning it has a better ring to it

7. Maybe I should return Cheney’s call, see what he’s up to with his Iran Study Group... If Baker’s not running that one, I’ll take it

6. I should have come out with the “appeasers” and “Hitler” stuff... I had been thinking that for months

5. Hmmm... I’ve had massages before, but not while doing crystal meth, with a gay male escort... Might have to look into that

4. I probably should have been more supportive of Rummy... It’s going to come back and bite me in the ass when I run for President

3. Make a note to talk to someone ... For all I did, they should rename K Street, to Newt Street

2. I sold that Contract For American bullshit, why isn’t anyone listening to me when I say were fighting World War III now?

1. What’s wrong with the Speaker of the House having an extra-marital affair with a congressional employee?

All Points Bulletin: Don't let this man get his hands on the First Amendment

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Newly Elected Congressmen and Congresswomen’s Capital Hill Orientation

News Item: The Grand Tour of Their New House

10. Where did Jimmy Stewart sit when he came to Washington?

9. Whatever you do, if you have a disagreement, don’t ever write a letter to Senator John McCain, or you’ll be in for it

8. We don’t have any bridges ... How do I go about getting a big, fat earmark so I can put a Bridge-To-Nowhere in my district?

7. That is a pretty weird gift from President Bush - A framed picture of the dead terrorist, Zarqawi

6. Rush Limbaugh wants to interview me later ... Should I be prepared, I mean, is he going to be all shaking and whatnot?

5. I don’t golf, but if I lobbyist wants to take me to Scotland, should I go?

4. What time do we get to tour Cheney’s Secret Bunker? And can we take pictures?

3. Are we going to get to do anything or do we have to go along with whatever the Iraq Study Group comes up with?

2. You know of any place around here where a guy can get a good massage and some meth?

1. This place is cool ... If I ever have to run in primary, and I lose ... I’m pulling a Lieberman...

I don’t golf, but if I lobbyist wants to take me to Scotland, should I go?