Top Ten Cloves: What Was In Letter Iranian President Ahmadinejad Sent To President Bush

News Item: Iran's Leader Writes to President Bush

10. Wanted the inside scoop on Patrick Kennedy; Confided he’s dealing with an Ayatollah who had a similar accident

9. Said he had some Iranian operative in the U.S. and that they could “take care of the Colbert guy” if Bush wanted

8. Thought Bush’s flight suit was “pretty snazzy” and wanted to find out where he could get one just like it

7. Advised, unless Bush’s poll numbers rose, would drop the “Great” from title and just refer to him as “Satan”

6. Looking to score some good Washington Nationals tickets

5. In exchange for seeing “the really good stuff” at Area 51, will give up his claims that the Holocaust a "hoax"

4. Gave Bush a “Heads-Up” – Said the Iranians are going to start singing American National Anthem in Arabic

3. Looking to see how the Bush Administration is going to spin Iran being behind Sept 11^th, so he can leverage it on his end

2. Advised Bush that retired Iranian Generals are grumbling about Rumsfeld and urged the President to fire him

1. Ahmadinejad said he’s written a children’s book, about a goat, and asked the President for a testimonial

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 7 May 2006

Samsung is introducing its' new 102-inch Plasma TV, with the new "PIP - Person-In-Picture". The patented PIP can be programmed for multiple functions, including programming VCR's and finding the remote control when lost

llusionist David Copperfield takes a spin on the new runaway train attraction, 'Expedition Everest' at Disney's Animal Kingdom

Disney says that they have overhauled all their attractions to only "mame and injury" guests and have eliminated death as one of the features

1970's icon, and star of the 'Rocky III' film, Mr. T is attempting to cash in on a new generation, announcing that he has changed his name to "Mr. F"

"That F for Freedom, fool!" Mr. F barked to reporters.

Unconfirmed reports have Mr. F teaming up with Sylvester Stallone's Rocky, to battle a muscle-bound terrorist, played by Dolph Lundgren

In a desperate attempt to prove his case, that he was too busy to have leaked CIA Valerie Plame's identity, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby is said to be planning to subpoena 12-million illegal aliens, to testify to Libby's workload on National Security

General Michael Hayden, soon to be nominated to take over the Central Intelligence Agency, told reporters at a press conference yesterday that "I, also, am a decider, and I glad the President Bush decided to choose me"

Hayden indicated that there will be "no slowing down" of the Illegal Wiretapping Program during his confirmation hearings

Outgoing CIA Director Porter Goss said, with President Bush sitting next to him, "Now that I'm retired, you can chalk me up for believing it's time for Secretary of Defense to step down"

As 'The Garlic' reported last week, that six retired illegal immigrants called for Rumsfield to resign, AARP released a poll that indicated over 76% of their retired members believe it's time for Rumsfeld to go

Last Weeks Garlic Poll Results - It's A Runaway!

Another week with The Garlic Poll and this one was a runaway...

For last week’s question, The Real Reason President Bush Wants National Anthem Sung In English Is ...

The results

1. He still doesn’t know all the words in English, so forget about learning it in another language 53%

2. Doesn’t like, as in NHL, having to stand through two national anthems 18%

3. Just doesn’t go for that Salsa, or Tex-Mex music thing 17%

4. Library of Congress gets 2% royalty every time its’ played or sung 12%

This week’s Poll - Steve Colbert, for his White House Correspondents' Association Dinner Performance, Can Expect ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Top Ten Cloves: Cinco de Mayo At The White House!

News Item: Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

10. For the heck of it, President has Joint Chiefs of Staff draw up plans to invade Mexico

9. President lets Look-Alike Steve Bridges issue a few Signing Statements, making every day “Cinco de Mayo Day”

8. Karl Rove does all of his smearing today in Spanish only

7. Distance the President from Congressman Tancredo’s bill, to ban May 5th and make it a felony to have on any calendars

6. Screw with the pensions of five retired generals who have criticized the President and Secretary Rumsfeld

5. Vamos Conseguir Loco! - Sabado Gigante Host Don Francisco gets to run White House Briefing Room for the day

4. Harriet Meirs has to bail out two White House interns, after they got caught cashing in some of Bill Frist’s $100 Rebate Checks to buy more beer

3. To make a point, President Bush, with the Capital Steps, will sing Mexico’s National Anthem in English

2. After one beer, Vice President Cheney dons his chemical-biological suit, roams the White House, scaring the bejeezes out of tourists

1. Afternoon cocktails and a Steven Colbert piñata

Top Ten Cloves: Problems That May Crop Up With Post Office Issuing A “Forever Stamp”

News Item: Post Office Hopes Idea Of 'Forever Stamp' Sticks

10. Too late for Dan Rostenkowski - If they issued this Forever Stamp 10-years ago, he might still be in office

9. Budding disgruntled postal workers have new reason to go crazy

8. Yeah, but they’ll take forever to deliver it (Actually, no different now, using regular stamps)

7. Global Warming may wipe us out, but Forever Stamps will survive

6. So popular, you’ll wait in line forever to purchase them (Actually, no different than buying regular stamps now)

5. Post Office needs to wait until “Forever Glue” is invented before they can issue stamp

4. At next rate increase, you’ll be looking forever where you stashed them

3. Six retired Postmaster Generals have come out against the idea

2. May have problem with President Bush, who issues Signing Statement that he doesn’t have to use stamps

1. Potential disaster to the Time-Space Continuum – Using the Forever Stamp to mail a package of Twinkies

Top Ten Cloves: Other Unannounced Measures White House Has For Pandemic Flu Draft Response Plan

News Item: Draft Report Outlines Plans for Pandemic

10. Since it worked in Iraq, after getting vaccinated, people will have to dip finger in purple ink

9. Just so media knows in advance, all exclusive scoops about pandemic flu go to Fox News first

8. So Sean Hannity doesn’t get riled up, all school buses will be used in case evacuations are necessary

7. Vice President Dick Cheney does have a chemical-biological suit, but he has no plans to share it with anyone

6. Anyone that gets the pandemic flu will receive $100 Rebate from U.S. Government

5. After Illegal Immigration and Border Security solved, will build special “Pandemic Flu Wall” around country

4. White House incorporating into plan Tom Cruise’s suggestion for silent Pandemic Flu Treatment

3. President Bush strongly believes that Iran is involved in Pandemic Flu, so he may have to make a preemptive strike on them

2. Coincidently, CIA has intelligence Iran has aluminum tubes that are used for creating Pandemic Flu

1. Right after Pandemic Flu Draft Response Plan released, President Bush issuing Signing Statement, exempting him from following it

Top Ten Cloves: Problems The Illegal Immigrant Boycott Caused The White House Yesterday

News Item: Boycott Gives Voice To Illegal Workers

10. White House Tours cancelled – No one to set up the velvet ropes

9. Homeland Security jammed up, investigating hundred’s of “brown paper bags” that turned out to be lunches brought from home

8. Presidential Look-Alike Steve Bridges couldn’t get cab, so he worked the Oval Office with President Bush

7. Field Generals in Iraq badgered White House all day – Since they’re in country illegally, should they boycott and protest as well?

6. Congressman Tom Tancredo picketed the White House, with sign that read “See, I Told You”

5. Press Secretary Scott McClellan had to change his line to “Can’t comment on an ongoing boycott”

4. Six retired illegal immigrants called for Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeldto resign

3. Bolten’s shake-up plans delayed – Can’t fire Treasury Secretary Snow until he finishes crunching numbers from boycott

2. Before morning briefing, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales pissed off the President by quietly singing National Anthem in Spanish

1. Had to cancel Mission Accomplished Anniversary plans – No one to hang the banner

Top Ten Cloves: How Josh Bolten Plans On Getting White House’s MoJo Back

News Item: Bolten: White House Must Regain Its 'Mojo'

10. Send Vice President Dick Cheney out hunting again, this time, for some rabbits’ feet

9. Get friend Bo Derek to hang around the White House

8. Like hockey players and their goalie, have staff tap their briefcases against President’s Desk in Oval Office to start each day

7. Have Secret Service change handle for President Bush to "Mr. Mojo Risin"

6. White House has been ‘White” far too long ... Paint it “Neutral Gray”, it’s the “new black”

5. Start posting White House Press Conferences on YouTube

4. President should wear his flight suit to work more often

3. Rally Ties – Mandate all staff to wear their ties backwards until something good happens

2. New Bills by the President will be delivered to Congress via a New Orleans-style Second Line Parade

1. Start spinning that indictments are a good thing and you’re gearing up to go for beating the Nixon Administration’s record

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 30 April 2006

Angelina Jolie, and husband Brad Pitt criticized fellow actor George Clooney, saying in an interview, "we came to Africa first and now he's trying to steal our thunder ... There's six other continents, he should go to one of them ..."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld quietly changed military rules this week, mandating that any officer who wishes to criticize the Secretary, and/or call for his firing or resignation, must wear face paint. Said Rumsfeld "When I'm waking around the halls of the Pentagon, I don't want to be guessing who's for me or who's against me"

President Bush had to play referee this past week, keeping Senators Frist and Reed from going at each other during a meeting in the White House.

Reed later apologized to the President, and Frist, after learning it was Karl Rove, sitting behind him, that whispered "you're nothing but a little Nevada pimp"

Iran released their first promotional poster for their new Nuclear Development Program. Journalists who have seen the campaign say it borrows heavily from "Our Friend, The Atom " promoted by Walt Disney back in the 1950's

Fox News Network Host Sean Hannity indicated that the White House first approached him about filling the Press Secretary position, taken by colleague Tony Snow, but Hannity declined the offer so he could continue working on "important issues, like finding out why Mayor Nagin never used the buses during the hurricane

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) denied he was getting into his large SUV, after a press conference promoting alternative energy and Hybrid cars, saying he was going to spray paint the vehicle with "gas-guzzler" until he noticed the press following him.

Hastert added that he got in to the SUV and drove to an undisclosed location, where he could commit the vandalism in private

Last Weeks Garlic Poll Results

Well, we had another week of spirited voting, for the Garlic Poll ...

For last week’s question, Before Scott McClellan Leaves His Job As Press Secretary, He Should ... the results

1. Announce that he wants to continue lying, so he’s joining Fox News 37%

2. Tell the media if Karl Rove lied to him about the Valerie Plame Leak 27%

3. Do his devastating impersonation of President Bush, reading My Pet Goat – Phonetically 20%

4. Have a Texas Steel Cage Death Match with David Gregory of NBC 17%

This week’s Poll - The Real Reason President Bush Wants National Anthem Sung In English Is ....

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Editors Note

Good Afternoon Garlic Readers

We wanted to pass along, that due to some minor technical glitches, and a whole lot of major allergies, we’re a bit off with our postings this week.

Stay tuned, as we’ll be back on track in the next day, or two.

Many thanks for visiting with us and enjoy your reading!

Peace

JTD

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Came Out In Karl Rove’s 5th Grand Jury Appearance Yesterday

News Item: Rove Testifies 5th Time On Leak

10. Found a new email – best places around D.C where to find cheap gasoline

9. Remembered that Viveca Novak and Bob Novak is not the same person and wanted to get that on-the-record

8. As part of his new duties, needed to poll the Grand Jury on how many of them want Donald Rumsfeld to resign

7. Just wants to get on good side of Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, so he doesn’t grill him during the Scooter Libby Trial

6. Wanted to make absolutely clear he had nothing to do with the firing of CIA Agent Mary McCarthy; That’s strictly a CIA-Smear deal

5. Admitted he agreed with Keith Hernandez, that woman don’t belong in the dugout

4. Needed to testify, so that new Press Secretary Tony Snow could practice saying “Can’t comment on on-going investigations”

3. Pissed off about being demoted and wanted to lay down some dirt on Josh Bolton

2. Tried to make deal with Fitzgerald – For not indicting him, will tell him the date President Bush plans on invading Iran

1. White House has instituted a “Frequent Testimony Program”

Karl Rove testified to the Grand Jury yesterday that he agrees with Keith Hernandez that "woman don't belong in the dugout"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Tony Snow Will Improve White House Press Briefings

News Item: Fox News's Snow to Become New White House Press Secretary

10. On his first day, free gas fill-ups for the entire press corps

9. Press Briefings will now include updates on Natalee Holloway and Duke Rape Case

8. Promise not to call on Fox News reporters first (at, least on most days)

7. To return the favor, will use Rush Limbaugh as a fill-in on days he can’t do the briefing

6. On slow new days, will deliver the press briefing in the persona of Norm Crosby

5. Along with sign language interpretation, will offer new “Tourette’s Syndrome” version of press briefings

4. When Donald Rumsfeld gets fired, or resigns, he’ll be the first to crack wise about it

3. Will provide transcripts of President’s conversations with High Father

2. Borrowing from his colleague at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, will frame each press conference with a “Talking Points Memo”

1. New, loud, ear-splitting, with floating graphics, intro video to press conferences, claiming White House Press Conferences are #1

New Bush Theme Song - I'm The Decider

Last week was another milestone in the term of our Court-Appointed President, when he, with great authority and gusto declared that “I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best”

Such a boast wouldn’t be complete without a theme song to it and, The Garlic is more than happy to supply one.

Now, everybody sing along, to the tune of The Beatles “Paperback Writer”

I’m The Decider

Dear Sir or Madam, will you take my word?

It took me 4.5 years to write, to get it nice and blurred

Based on a group from the PNAC

It’s my job, because I’m the decider

It’s the dirty war of a dirty man

And clinging to a war we don’t really understand

But it’s a steady war, because I’m the decider

I’m the decider

It’s a thousand points of light, give or take a few

I’ll be writing more, over the next year or two

I can make them harsher, because, well, that’s my style

But I won’t change it round, because I’m the decider

I’m the decider

If I really want, I can take all your rights

I can make you an enemy combatant overnight

And if the generals complain, we’ll defend our war

And I won’t break, because I’m the decider

I’m the decider

I’m the decider

I’m the decider

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 23 April 2006

The White House refuted reports that China Protester Wenyi Wang was actually auditioning for the Press Secretary job, soon to be vacated by Scott McClellan

At the same time, the White House denied charges that President Bush grabbed China President Hu's coat, believing that he was stealing White House silverware

Kathleen Harris is said to have filed a law suit against President Bush, claiming trademark infringement. Ms. Harris claims that, when she decided, against advice, to say in the race for Florida Senator, she coined the phrase "I'm a decider"

Along with keeping the use of nuclear weapons on the table, for possible war with Iran, a new report leaked from the Pentagon details an elaborate program to introduce the Bird Flu into the country

General Peter Pace is said to be having "second thoughts" on his continued endorsement of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and plans on "watching him very, very closely" in the days ahead

Garlic Poll Results

With another week of furious voting, the results are in for The Garlic's Weekly Poll of last week, April 16 - April 22, 2006

And the winner is for “In order to resign, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will demand ...”

1. Since they haven’t formed a government yet, the King of Iraq 37%

2. He gets to drop first bomb on Iran before he leaves 29%

3. To be the new clean-up hitter for the New York Yankees 21%

4. Replace Simon Cowell on American Idol 14%

This week’s Poll - Before Scott McClellan Leaves His Job As Press Secretary, He Should ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Bolten Making The Keystone Cops “Look Organized”

White House Flooded With High Tension, As President Undecided Today

Early Morning Signs Leaned Towards Being “Uniter”; Bolten Having Second Thoughts About New Position

Sources tell The Garlic that the White House is, for all intents and purposes, shut down today, with no activity whatsoever, as President Bush has been decidedly undecided today.

It was just a week ago that President Bush boldly and confidently declared himself “the decider”.

In being forced to defend Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, the President stated;

I say, I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision. And Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job. He's not only transforming the military, he's fighting a war on terror. He's helping us fight a war on terror. I have strong confidence in Donald Rumsfeld. I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense.

President’s Indecision Today “Will make what happened during Katrina look like a cat nap”

While, early this morning, there appeared to be signs from President Bush, that he was going to be in his “Uniter” persona, the moods shifted suddenly, after Mr. Bush announced that he was “undecided” about what he wanted to do.

West Wing staffers are said to be “edgy” and “walking on eggshells”. The White House switchboard has been turned off, with calls routed to the State Department. There are serious concerns of a ripple effect, into other areas of the government, possibly closing down offices, national parks and monuments

Unconfirmed reports have been coming in that other government employees have been emboldened by the President, and are declaring their own personal character strengths, announcing they are “deciders” too, or they know “what’s best” in their particular job position and are changing rules and policies.

“This is as bad as I have seen it,” said one White House staffer, who asked that their name not be used. “If the President doesn’t snap out of it, this will make what happened during Katrina look like a cat nap.”

It is being reported that, even with his iPod, the President has set it to “shuffle”, refusing to even decide on a song to hear.

Rumsfeld “Jonesing” For A Statement of Support

With the President being undecided today, there are rampant rumors that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has been frantically soliciting other Cabinet members, even a handful of foreign leaders, to issue statements defending him against the growing criticism and calls for his resignation.

“It like he needs a fix,” offered on Pentagon staffer, who asked their name not be used. “He’s Jonesing for it ...Pacing around, distracted ... Wolfing down candy bars ... He needs someone to say something today.”

With the activities surrounding the official visit yesterday, of China President Hu Jintao, President Bush had to drop from his schedule the daily backing of the embattled Secretary.

Rumsfeld reportedly met with Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, asking him if there would any staff changes today, and, if so, if he could plug in “a word, or two” about Rumsfeld. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Rumsfeld badgered Bolten, to hire someone specifically to issue statements of support, perhaps, as a means to make-up for his glitch earlier this week.

Bolten Making The Keystone Cops “Look Organized”

Bolten, in what many in Washington consider a disastrous first week on the job, fumbled a Rumsfeld press conference, attempting to substitute FEMA trailers for vintage Army wagons to rally around the Secretary. That was followed with pushing Press Secretary Scott McClellan out the door out the door and beginning inching Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove closer to it.

Yesterday’s ceremonies for President Hu’s visit couldn’t have gone worse for the Chief of Staff.

“The gaffes they did yesterday,” offered Eddie Mars, editor of 'Please Shoot Me', the newsletter that tracks the Fox News Channel, “makes the Keystone Kops look organized.”

First, President Hu’s address was interrupted by an accredited White House Press Pass holder, Wenyi Wang, a member of Falun Gong, the spiritual sect banned in China.

Ms. Wang screamed at the two presidents, for nearly three-minutes, with calls for "President Bush, make him stop persecuting Falun Gong," and “to stop the killing” before she was hustled away by the Secret Service.

Shortly after this incident, at the playing of the two national anthems, the White House announcer introduced China as “The Republic of China”, the formal name of China’s dedicated rival, the island nation of Taiwan. Mainland China’s official name is “The People’s Republic of China,” and it is an extremely sore point between the U.S. and China, on the American support for Taiwan, as China considers Taiwan as part of their sovereign territory.

“They couldn’t have offend President Hu, and China more,” added Mars, “if they practiced for it. This falls on Bolten”

Bolten With Second Thoughts? Bush Acting Nixonian?

Privately, longtime White House aides are concerned, that on one hand, Bolten may be having second thoughts about having stepped in as Chief of Staff. At the same time, they worry, that with Bolten in charge of the White House, how much worse will it get.

There’s also apprehension over the President indicating that he listens “to all voices.”

Between abandoning his domestic agenda, the horrific results in the War in Iraq and subsequently, the steep drop in polls, the looming legal battles over his illegal spying and eavesdropping on American citizens, the indictments and scandals surrounding his administration, as well as the Republican Party, more than a few staffers are thinking the President wasn’t referring to paying attention to the media.

“We could be looking at,” one senior West Wing staffer offered somberly, “Nixon, walking around the halls, talking to the portraits here.”

With President Bush "decidedly undecided" today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is said to be "jonesing" for a statement of support

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Queen Elizabeth Plans On Celebrating Her 80th Birthday

News Item: Queen Elizabeth celebrates the big 8-0

10. Set up a profile on MySpace.Com and see what all the fuss is about

9. Hang out the “Do Not Disturb” sign on Windsor Castle – The Manchester United team team is coming to visit!

8. Remind the Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla Parker-Bowles, that the Queen Mother lived to be 101

7. Make some prank calls to Silvio Berlusconi and taunt him for losing

6. Take note of Bush gaffe – It’s “The People’s Republic of China”, in case President Hu stops by

5. Two Words – Pub Crawl

4. See if Kate Moss scored anything good that they can party with

3. Dig in to the new Ben & Jerry’s Black and Tan Ice Cream

2. Make some prank calls to Donald Rumsfeld and tell him to resign

1. Ignore Prince Charles’ suggestion to place gift radio in edge of bathtub, so she can listen to BBC while bathing