Monday, January 14, 2008

Breaking News! Clinton Camp To Hire Terrell Owens

Football Star To Be "Designated Crier", Freeing Up Hillary, and Her Own Voice, To Hurl Racial Smears

The timing, the Clinton Camp claims, couldn't have been better.

Just as the 2008 Presidential Primary Campaign heats up, Hillary Clinton scores a huge gain, bringing Dallas Cowboy superstar Terrell Owens into the fold, to become the candidates' "designated crier".

"This is a godsend," gushed Clinton campaign guru, Mark Penn.

"He [Owens] has the name recognition, real tears, the cracking voice ... We couldn't ask for much more ..."

Owens broke down in a press conference following the Cowboys collapse and loss to the New York Football Giants yesterday, in the NFC Divisional playoff game.

Owens defended the teams recently-controversial quarterback, Tony Romo, in a plaintive, quivering and cracking voice;

"It's not about Tony," Owens said. "You guys can point fingers at him and talk about the vacation, but if you do that, it's really unfair ..."

His lips quivered and voice cracked. The tears were visible from behind the sunglasses.

"It's unfair," Owens added. "It's my teammate, my quarterback. If you do that, man, it's unfair. We lost as a team. We lost as a team.

"It's unfair because I've been through it. I know what it's like. He gives you his all every day. When you lose, it falls on the quarterback's shoulders. But let it fall on the whole team's shoulders."

The Clinton Campaign has been in a quandary, spending the credit of Hillary's crying and "finding her own voice" on the primary victory in New Hampshire last week and settling in a mode of tossing racial bombs against her main rival, Senator Barack Obama.

Former President Bill Clinton drew a firestorm, after characterizing Obama's campaign position as a "fairytale" and Hillary inferred the Civil Rights legend, Dr. Martin Luther King, needed President Lyndon Johnson to achieve his success.

"Having Owens to handle the crying," continued Penn, "frees us up to hone in on more racial taunts, create a layer of racial fear that will lift Hillary in a good number of the upcoming states."

"We can use [BET Founder] Bob Johnson to hit Obama on the drugs... Hillary on the race stuff and then bring in Terrell to cry about how everyone is picking on her, that it's not her fault ... This will be the Hillary voice moving forward ..."

Obama has hit back at the Clinton Campaign, calling Hillary's statements "ludicrous", "unfortunate" and "ill-advised."

Clinton defended herself yesterday..

"This is an unfortunate story line the Obama campaign has pushed very successfully," the New York senator said on NBC's "Meet the Press."

With the NFL playoffs continuing into the Championship round next weekend, followed by the Super Bowl in early February, Penn indicated he hasn't ruled out bring in more "criers", based on the results of the remaining games.

"We feel good," said Penn. "The gloves are off and Hillary is speaking in her own voice for the rest of the campaign."

Bonus Hillary Hijinks

Sam Stein: Obama Camp's Memo on Clintons' Politicizing Race

Eric Kleefeld: Clinton Aide: Obama Is For People Who Want "Imaginary Hip Black Friend"

Josh Marshall: Not Bean Bag

Matt Stoller: The Clinton Generation

With his season over, TO will be joining the Clinton Campaign as a "Designated Crier"

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