New Billy Mays Pitch ... Casket-Glo

Sure enough, there were a few things in the can.

"Hi, Billy Mays here ... Tired of going to wakes and funerals and seeing dull, lackluster, caskets? ... Have your loved ones been buried in a drab-looking, listless, less-than-shining box? ...

(Mays, pointing to a dull, drab casket)

Well, worry no more!

(Mays, holding up a bottle of Casket-Glo)

Casket-Glo will give you the peace-of-mind, that you are being laid out in a brilliant, gleaming, beaming-mirror-shined casket ... Mourners will have to wear sunglasses, with the high quality, water-proof shine of Casket-Glo ...

(Mays, walking over to a glowing, buffed-and-shine, casket, angles of light bouncing off it)

You can kick it (Mays kicks the casket) ... You can scratch it (shot of car keys scraping casket) ... You can pour hot coffee on it (cup of coffee being poured over casket) and you can't dull the shine of Casket-Glo.

Casket-Glo-shined caskets have been seen from Google Earth!

Call now, and we will add in the Casket-Glo Buffer, a specially-designed polishing machine, developed by scientists, to bring out the shine-of-your-life, that only Casket-Glo can give you, for your eternal rest.

But wait, there's more!

We will double your order, and send you two bottles of Casket-Glo, and, four-quarts of embalming fluid, absolutely free!

Be the shining star in your church, or synagogue, and order your Casket-Glo today?

Call now, and you get two bottles of Casket-Glo, the special Casket-Glo Buffer ... And, four-quarts of embalming fluid (as our gift) all for only 19.99!

(Mays, holding up bottle of Casket-Glo)

That's $19.99 for the shine of your life

Casket-Glo ... Don't be buried without it!"

Bonus Billy Mays Riffs

Eric Deggans: Marketers, family decide Billy Mays infomercials will continue

Reuters: Infomercials lack starpower after Billy Mays death

RadarOnLine: Coroner: Heart Disease Cause Of Billy Mays' Death

Top Ten Billy Mays Commercials

It's Kaboom-Time for Billy Mays

Chew'em If You Got'em!

If we wanted to be snarky about it, we could use this post to herald the New York Times, on their Op-Ed page, coming out and endorsing cocaine.

For today, the President of Bolivia, Evo Morales Ayma, is on the page, with a informative Op-Ed;

Let Me Chew My Coca Leaves

THIS week in Vienna, a meeting of the United Nations Commission on Narcotic Drugs took place that will help shape international antidrug efforts for the next 10 years. I attended the meeting to reaffirm Bolivia’s commitment to this struggle but also to call for the reversal of a mistake made 48 years ago. 

In 1961, the United Nations Single Convention on Narcotic Drugs placed the coca leaf in the same category with cocaine — thus promoting the false notion that the coca leaf is a narcotic — and ordered that “coca leaf chewing must be abolished within 25 years from the coming into force of this convention.” Bolivia signed the convention in 1976, during the brutal dictatorship of Col. Hugo Banzer, and the 25-year deadline expired in 2001.

President Ayma cites that many have been "criminals" for the past eight-years, citing the "absurd state of affairs for Bolivians and other Andean peoples", before giving us a bit of a science (and social) lesson;

Many plants have small quantities of various chemical compounds called alkaloids. One common alkaloid is caffeine, which is found in more than 50 varieties of plants, from coffee to cacao, and even in the flowers of orange and lemon trees. Excessive use of caffeine can cause nervousness, elevated pulse, insomnia and other unwanted effects. 

Another common alkaloid is nicotine, found in the tobacco plant. Its consumption can lead to addiction, high blood pressure and cancer; smoking causes one in five deaths in the United States. Some alkaloids have important medicinal qualities. Quinine, for example, the first known treatment for malaria, was discovered by the Quechua Indians of Peru in the bark of the cinchona tree. 

The coca leaf also has alkaloids; the one that concerns antidrug officials is the cocaine alkaloid, which amounts to less than one-tenth of a percent of the leaf. But as the above examples show, that a plant, leaf or flower contains a minimal amount of alkaloids does not make it a narcotic. To be made into a narcotic, alkaloids must typically be extracted, concentrated and in many cases processed chemically. What is absurd about the 1961 convention is that it considers the coca leaf in its natural, unaltered state to be a narcotic. The paste or the concentrate that is extracted from the coca leaf, commonly known as cocaine, is indeed a narcotic, but the plant itself is not.

Just think of the global, economic boon there could be, if Bolivia, and other Andeans, could mass-market the coca leaf.

Maxwell House could get into the action, with "Good to the last chew"

Winston, also, plastering billboards - "Tastes good, like a coca leaf should"

Certs can make a comeback, go retro and offer "You get two, two, two coca leafs in one"

And, let's not forget Billy Mays, to corner graveyard television, with one of those shouting informercials, touting some new coca leaf product, that will shine your car, stitch your clothes, or wash your entire house while you go to the market.

President Ayma also enlightens us;

It helps mitigate the sensation of hunger, offers energy during long days of labor and helps counter altitude sickness. Unlike nicotine or caffeine, it causes no harm to human health nor addiction or altered state, and it is effective in the struggle against obesity, a major problem in many modern societies.

No addiction ... Fights obesity...

With it offering "energy during long days of labor", countries around the world will experience increased productivity, inproving their GDP and export markets.

Sounds like tremendous upside to this little coca leaf.

Start plowing the fields down there, El Presidente Evo!Listen for the voice, the whispering, but booming, voice that says.

"If you grow it, they will come", "Go The Distance" and "Ease our pain"

With a little bit of make-up, maybe Kevin Costner can play you in the movie.

Could This Be The Answer For The Torn GOP?

Mighty MendIt

Yes, Billy Mays and his Mighty MendIt!

He's more ubiquitous than Michael Caine, and, as we have all seen, he's up to virtually any job, always guaranteeing success, fixing any problem, solving any need.

Hey, they're touting The Wasilla Whiz Kid, Billy Mays can't be much worse.

Thank God! ... It's Ordinary Joe!

No doubt, the ratings for those late night infomercials took a big hit.

Billy Mays' wallet will be a little lighter this week.

I'll be interested to hear what the strategy of dropping the news at around 1AM was (maybe, we were on target with our post yesterday).

Obama goes pragmatic and picks the Senator from Delaware, Joe Biden.

Good a choice as any, and infinitely better than one.

The MSM certainly added to the frenzy of yesterday, desperately picking over the limited, sparse clues (even noting the pronouns Obama was using), ramping up the tension ("any minute now"), employing Britney Spears-like stakeouts, and all but stamping their feet in a tantrum, demanding Obama to spill the beans.

Christ, Stumblin Bumblin' John McCain could have gone out and bought another dozen houses yesterday and nobody would have noticed (and just wait, when the abode-laden Arizonian makes his VP choice, and the noise from the media isn't loud enough, we'll hear how, shame on the media, as a POW, he should have gotten more media for his selection).

It is said, of a presidential candidate, that their first major decision, the one you can evaluate them on, is their selection of a running mate.

Under that note, Obama aced it ...

He didn't go out and grab "Who the hell is that?", a choice that would have either strained the capacity of Google, or crash Wikipedia.

He didn't, much to the chagrin of the Right Wing Freak Show, choose his former pastor, the Reverend Wright, Jesse Jackson, or the Nation of Islam.

And, he didn't buckle, capitulate to the media, or fall into the trap of tapping TMFOITW on the shoulder, just to make the Clintonistas, the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures ("Hillary is back! The keeper of the light! All hail Hillary! All hail Hillary! Oh Hillary can you see by the dawn's early light...") happy.

Their disappointment has long been telegraphed, to the point, they need occupational therapy, the cathartic roll call, just to justify that the "something can happen" sliver of hope they still hold, will deliver "something can happen" that will make their world right again.

Hang on to that folks, until, at least 2016.

Biden will be good for the campaign, comfortable slapping down Stumblin' Bumblin' Johnny, and not a risky choice that will have you worrying about November.

And, he did give us this, the de facto line of the primary campaign.

So, for the Obama-Biden ticket, here's an old gem ...

Go Get'em!

Terry Callier Ordinary Joe




Bonus Biden

Brilliant at Breakfast: And So, it's Biden....Barack Makes His Choice...and it's Good!

BreitBart: Biden speaks _ and speaks _ his own mind

Chris Cillizza: Obama Picks Biden as V.P.