Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 September 2005

While used in mock drills, Mike Brown's plan to rescue New Orleans and Gulf Coast residents by balloon was never implemented or endorsed by FEMA, having been veoted by Homeland Security Director Chertoff













Hey, Mr. Kiss Ass!










Utilizing all avalible resources, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin employed members of Rex's, King of the Madri Gras, court to rescue stranded citizens.









Sportscaster Bob Costas, seen here with Air Americs's Al Franken, continues his search to find a personality that he is taller than.







"I'll give you three bottles of water and four MRE's for that nifty hat of yours"

Friday 9 September 2005

New iPod Phone Requires Downloading Calls

Discount Offered On Call/Song Combo; Plans Coming To Allow Selling Of Calls

After all the hoopla of announcing their new iTunes-enabled cell phone, the Rokr, Apple dropped a bombshell, indicating users of the service will require downloading the calls from iPhone, Apple's new cell phone application.

Developed by Motorola, the Rokr will play digital songs from Apple's iTunes music service. Cell phone service is offered by Cingular Wireless, the exclusive carrier of the Roker in North America.

However, it is not possible to use iTunes to download songs over Cingular's wireless network.

Steven Jobs, Apple's CEO defended the Roker and the downloading of calls.

"With the investment we made, along with our partners, Motorola and Cingular, we had to monetize this as best we could. Being that you will have to connect to iTunes to download the songs, we felt we could centralize the process to make it easier for the end user."

Users of the Rokr must use a U.S.B cable from an iTunes-equipped personal computer to download their calls from Apple's new iPhone application.

Jobs pointed out that Apple had sold a total of 22 million iPods, with 6.2 million sold in the latest quarter alone.

Roker users will establish a personal iPhone account and can leave calls stored for up to 30-days in their account. Cost to download the calls will be .69, with the revenue being shared by Apple, Motorola and Cingular. If the user already has an iTunes account, the iPhones application will be automatically set for them.

Taking a page from Google, when a user goes to download a call, a sidebar will appear with 3-5 iTunes that are related to the theme of the incoming call. If the caller downloads one of these iTunes, the cost is discounted to .69, with all revenue going to only Apple

Soon, Rokr users will be able to resell their calls, as Jobs also announces a pending partnership with eBay. The deal will allow eBay to set-up a section on iPhones where users can place their calls for sale.

Jobs also noted that the Rokr does have, like the iPods, the special sensors that detect dissent and criticism of Apple. iPhone will be networked with iSqueal and the Rokr has a built-in speed dial number for a one-touch call to connect with iSqueal.

FEMA became more embroiled in bureaucracy yesterday, in a dispute on whether to issue evacuees regular-sized M&M's or the new Mega-sized

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On Vice President Cheney's Tour of Hurricane Region

10. Well, I'm riding a Chevy and the levee sure ain't dry

9. I wish I brought my fishing gear

8. Are all the Halliburton guys safe?

7. Find out if Pat O'Brien's is open, maybe we can swing by for a shot

6. Lynne, ask that guy … I don't know how to get floodwater stains out of silk

5. Send someone over to Houston and see if you can snag me a few of those debit cards they're handing out

4. Yeah, I know, the people, the housing, blah, blah … The real first priority is to get that oil flowing again

3. Should I wait another day or two to announce that the flood is in its' final throes?

2. Has Rove started his smear campaign on Mary Landrieu yet?

1. Hmmm … Instead of invading Baghdad with forces, maybe we should have flooded it first

Wednesday 7 September 2005

Cheney To Visit, Beef Up New Orleans Security

Will Patrol and Bring Law and Order; Also Paving Way For Halliburton Contracts

The White House announced that Vice President Dick Cheney will be dispatched to New Orleans on Friday, to assist and augment security operations in the flood-ravaged city.

"We expect the Vice President to patrol the city and help bring law and order", said President Bush at a cabinet meeting yesterday.

"Direct threats require decisive action," grinned the Vice President.

The Vice President has come under fire recently, for not cutting short his Wyoming vacation as the post-hurricane situation in New Orleans and the neighboring Mississippi deteriorated into chaos.

Late last week Cheney released a statement that he believed "Hurricane Katrina is in its' final throes".

"The President is counting on," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "for Vice President Cheney's reputation as a tough, no-nonsense bully to help the situation of lawlessness in New Orleans."

In a statement released later in the day by the Vice President's office, Cheney stated that "we must be prepared to face our responsibilities and be willing to use force if necessary."

While in New Orleans, Cheney will also shore up details on the contract awarded to Halliburton subsidiary, Kellogg, Brown & Root Services Inc.

KBR will receive $12 million for work at the Naval Air Station at Pascagoula, Miss., the Naval Station at Gulfport, Miss., and Stennis Space Center in Mississippi. KBR will receive $4.6 million for work at two smaller Navy facilities in New Orleans and others in the South

Washington Post reported that KBR has been at the center of scrutiny for receiving a five-year, no-bid contract to restore Iraqi oil fields shortly before the war began in 2003. Halliburton has reported being paid $10.7 billion for Iraq-related government work during 2003 and 2004. The company reported its pretax profits from that work as $163 million. Pentagon auditors have questioned tens of millions of dollars of Halliburton charges for its operations there.

Last month three congressional Democrats asked Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld to investigate the demotion of a senior civilian Army official, Bunnatine H. Greenhouse, who publicly criticized the awarding of that contract.

Cheney brushed off any criticism of Halliburton, the company he headed from 1995-2000, or KBR, saying, "Let us rid ourselves of the fiction that low oil prices are somehow good for the United States."

I'm sorry Mr. President, it's just not my fault ... Talk to this guy over here about it ..."

Justice Dept. Swamped With Flood, Hurricane Confessions

Thousands Say They Are To Blame; White House Orders Log Kept For Future Use

As President Bush announced yesterday that the White House will lead an investigation into the slow Federal response to the hurricane-stricken Gulf Coast and New Orleans, with life-saving supplies and logistics, the telephones and switchboards lit up at the Justice Department, with thousands of people making confessions, for the hurricane and flood.

Despite the President, and other government officials saying now was not the time to play "the blame game", calls poured into Justice officials, either with the caller admitting they were guilty, or pointing fingers at neighbors and co-workers.

Rumors indicate that, upon receiving news of these calls, White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card ordered the Justice Department to record and keep a log of these calls.

"With the President just beginning his investigation," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "we want to log in all evidence. Many of these calls could be valuable to the President in determining the cause and finding out just who was responsible for these problems."

At the cabinet meeting, President Bush said that "we've got to solve problems; we're problem-solvers," he said. "There will be ample time for people to figure out what went right and what went wrong …"

The Justice Dept. indicate that a number of the calls so far have yielded important clues. One cluster of calls have named House Speaker Dennis Hastert as a cause. Hastert, last week, came out and questioned the rebuilding of New Orleans and callers are claiming they have evidence of a plot by Hastert to destroy the city.

Vice President Dick Cheney is also being cited by callers, for being conspicuously absent last week and then, suddenly, his former company, Halliburton, is awarded contracts to clean up and rebuild New Orleans and other sections of the Gulf Coast.

The President has already announced that he will establish a committee to look into the Vice President's whereabouts and actions last week.

"Between the President's investigation", said McClellan, "and the calls coming into the Justice Department, we're confident we'll get to the bottom of this."

Top Ten Cloves: Things That Can Go Wrong With Playboy Magazine Offering On-Line Version

10. "Reading the interviews" keeps crashing your computer

9. You find yourself defending Anna Nicole Smith
at dinner parties

8. Playboy starts charging you rent for amount of time you spend in Chat Room

7. R Kelly starts a petition to put PlayGirl on-line; Needs a follow-up 'Trapped' act

6. Your boss knows you've been on-line to Playboy
because of the plain brown paper wrapped around your computer

5. New office intern turns up in the 'Girls From Cornell' spread

4. You break your monitor trying to unfold the centerfold

3. You find your Instant Messenger program chatting on-line with Playmate-of-the-Month - by itself

2. Playboy Advisor makes error; Posts your letter, with real name and city on the site

1. You'll be lulled into lounging around your office in your silk pajamas

Tuesday 6 September 2005

Baghdad Blockbuster!
Sunni's Offer Deal To Support Vote In Exchange For Sections of New Orleans

Believe Better Chances of Revenue in Flooded US City Than Iraq; Can Offer Security Services As Area Rebuilds

In a stunning move, Sunni leaders have sent a proposal to U.S. and Iraqi officials, offering support of the new Iraqi Constitution, in exchange for relocation and ownership of sections of hurricane and flood-ravaged New Orleans.

Facing the possibility of federalism with the passing of the Constitution, and being all but cut out from oil profits, the Sunni's believe they can gain a better revenue share of the oil flow, and other revenues, in New Orleans than Iraq.

Most fear that, with the Sunni's calling for a "No Vote" on the new Constitution, the country will sink further into chaos and continued terrorism.

The proposal, sent to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and U.S. Iraqi Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad, also offers security services to the New Orleans area, as the city rebuilds from the devastating flooding.

Beleaguered New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, stated when advised of the offer;

"Shoot … If they have water, food and buses, I don't care if they're Sunni, Sunny or sideways … Get their asses here! … Now!"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated "the Secretary has briefed and shared the proposal with the President" and the State Department was studying the document and "authenticating it".

"The President, as well as FEMA and Homeland Security has consistently said," offered McClellan, "that, when it comes to fixing New Orleans, all ideas are on the table."

Sunni Iraqi Cabinet member and Deputy Prime Minister Abed Mutlaq al-Jbouri said that the Sunni's were "sincere" in relocating to New Orleans.

"We can stay here, outnumbered, in oppressive heat and wage civil war for generations." said al-Jbouri, "Or, we can move to New Orleans … Maybe the Algiers section … Personally, I would like to open one of those riverboat gambling casinos."

Al-Jbouri also indicated that the Sunni's could augment, or "completely take-over" the security of New Orleans.

"You've seen our work … We don't mess around, we'll bring law and order to that area in a heartbeat."

Vice President Dick Cheney, emerging from his secret bunker, refused comment on the Sunni offer but did declare that he believes "Hurricane Katrina is in its' final throes".

With continued criticism mounting over their reaction time to the hurricane stricken Gulf Coast and City of New Orleans, a whistle-blower inside FEMA leaked a photo of a typical FEMA training session






News In Brief

DOD Adds Carrot Top, Omarosa To Freedom Walk

Rumsfield Adding 'Hollywood Glitz' To Festivities; Commemorative Levee To Be Built

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield announced today that the 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense, has added to the line-up comedian and actor, Carrot Top and former 'The Apprentice' star, Omarosa.

"We wanted to add alittle Hollywood glitz," beamed Rumsfield.

Country singing star Clint Black is also on the bill and, last month, Rumsfield announced that new Iraqi President Jalal Talabani will serve as the honorary Grand Marshall of the event.

"Goodness, Lord knows people are going to be expecting something big," continued the Defense Secretary. 'Some of the other celebrities we wanted to bring in are booked down in Houston and New Orleans, comforting the hurricane victims.

To pay tribute to, and honor, the survivors and victims of Hurricane Katrina, the Army Corps of Engineers will build a commemorative levee in the tidal basin on the National Mall.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Kayne West Knows That President Bush Doesn't Care About

10. If the Washington Nationals make the World Series this year

9. Terry Gilliam's new film

8. The customer reviews of Amazon.Com

7. Former Ambassador Joseph Wilson

6. That reporter in the Press Room who always sits in the third row and picks his nose

5. R Kelly's performance at the MTV Awards Show

4. If the National Guard "accidentally" shoots New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin

3. Anybody that Karl Rove decides to smear

2. That when Cuba had a hurricane, they evacuated all their citizens with no loss of life

1. Meeting and talking with Cindy Sheehan

Friday 19 August 2005

The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel will be on vacation August 19 - August 28.

Take some time to catch up on our stories, or, use the links below to review some of the most popular and most viewed Garlic articles.

Bush May Tap Coulter For Energy Source

Jackson Offers Embattled West To Be Mayor of Neverland

Top Ten Cloves: What The Two Pilots In The Cessna Were Talking About During DC Evacuation

Felt Admits To Being 'You're So Vain' Target

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better


Special Note

You can catch America's best satirist, Barry Crimmins and his live reports for the Randi Rhodes Show from Camp Casey in Crawford, Texas on Air America Radio.

Read Barry's article, 'Home On The Range' in the lastest edition of 'The Boston Phoenix'.

Thursday 18 August 2005

Possible Break In Crawford Impasse: President Mulling Humming To Peace Mom

Can Keep Normal Vacation Schedule; Plans Centered On Tunes, Earphones, iPod or Radio

A possible break in the standoff between President Bush and Cindy Sheehan, the "Peace Mom" protesting out in front of the President's Crawford vacation ranch is being broached by White House staff members said today, as Mrs. Sheehan will be moving her growing 'Camp Casey' to within one-mile of the President.

Sources have told The Garlic that a memo has been delivered to Sheehan, indicating the President would meet with her, but will only hum during their time together. Aides to the President consider this offering to be "flexible" and "a step in the right direction".

"If she accepts," said White House Communications Director Nicole Devenish, "the President can maintain his set schedule for the day. Depending on the time-of-day, Mr. Bush may be cutting brush, or, she can go for a bicycle ride with him."

While waiting for a response from Mrs. Sheehan, the White House Communications office has been working to cover all possible contingencies.

They have had the President practicing his humming talents, across various genres of music. The President is working on inflections, emulating various instruments, such as bass and drums and whether or not he should "silently lip-synch".

Sources say the President has also "improvised" by adding in "whistling".

Staffers are also testing hardware options, on whether the President should use his iPod, with earphone, or some other MP3 player. They are also considering casting a "retro ambiance" by using an old-fashioned transistor radio that the President can hum along to.

Devenish was emphatic that, in the first meeting between the President and Mrs. Sheehan, over a year ago, the President spoke to her and did not hum.

"The President won't be rehashing rhetoric here," stated Devenish. "This will be fresh content, in real-time, with the President having the ability to improvise as needed."

Devenish also said that "we're not breaking any new ground here."

"Clinton used to play his saxophone … Reagan walked around the White House singing show tunes."

The memo sent to Mrs. Sheehan invites her to "hum along with the President."

Devenish stated that "if we go with the iPod, we'll have one for Mrs. Sheehan, programmed exactly the same as the President's."

Any clue as to what tune the President will open with?

"Right now," said Devenish, "The President is leaning toward something by the Black-eyed Peas … But he's also been listening to that new Paul Anka CD"


President Bush was seen yesterday practicing his humming and, auditioning Condeleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfield as 'back-up hummers'. The goup playfully billed themselves as 'The Global Strugglers'.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Rush Limbaugh Thinks Mainstream Media Is Glomming

10. Attempts to discredit the "facts" that he broadcasts are really "errors"

9. That humans are responsible for global warming and destroying the ozone

8. That he's really a 'big fat idiot'

7. How Bill Moyers isn't a "lefty commie homo"

6. Ugly woman belong in society

5. His doctor shopping and addiction to OxyContin

4. On how "great" Philadelphia Eagles Quarterback Donovan McNabb is

3. The "proper treatment" of prisoners at Abu Ghraib

2. Rising gasoline prices at the President's fault, instead of real culprit, Rep. Marty Meehan

1. How Hillary Clinton isn't a 'leftist, lesbo commie'

Wednesday 17 August 2005

Iraqi Constitution Delay Due To Writer's Block

Rituals, Special Foods, Beating Saddam All Employed To "Getting The Juices Flowing"

Critics charge that the delay in having, at minimum, a draft Iraqi Constitution, is due to the stress and pressure - at times, literally under fire - of keeping pace with the artificial deadlines imposed by the Bush Administration.

While those reasons may factor into it, there is a more common problem that appears to be the root of the issue.

Late last night, The Garlic, in an exclusive, learned that a majority of the members of the constitution committee 'writer's block', including President Jalal Talabani.

In and on-and-off-the-record interview, American ambassador, Zalmay Khalilzad, who has worked closely with the Iraqi leaders, both throughout the constitution-writing process and Monday evening, as the deadline loomed over them, said that "we could see this coming now for a few weeks."

Khalizad would not confirm or deny which specific members have writer's block but did say it was "prevalent" within the committee.

"We took time-outs, had leisurely lunches, and really tried to make it a fun exercise," said the ambassador.

Khalizad stated that it became apparent "about two-weeks" ago that the committee was "fatigued" and showing the first signs of writer's block. One member of the committee was obsessively rearranging his desk, constantly moving and placing objects with painfully attentive care.

Soon, it mushroomed, with members chanting, wearing the same clothes for days and bringing into the meeting, farm animals.
Though a number of committee members didn't know what to call it, the issue of writer's block was addressed directly.

The constitution writing sessions evolved into a tightly scheduled practice. Khalizad said that he did offer "suggestions" and was there to assist, to "get the juices flowing".

Special foods were prepared and many breaks were taken. For those that paced, they were given notepads and pens and asked to jot down ideas as they walked around the room.

One group of members, according to Khalizad, took a helicopter ride over Baghdad for "inspiration".

And, the most controversial measure taken, of which Ambassador Khalizad would not comment on, but was confirmed by other sources, was the beating for former leader, Saddam Hussein.

Late one evening, at least eight members (some accounts say 12) were taken to the prison holding Hussein and the members punched and kicked the former dictator for "at least 20-minutes"

"They were screaming and yelling," according to one sources. "Hussein didn't know what the hell was going on."

Khalizad said that "a few members have already come out of it" and is confident the remaining members with writer's block will soon follow.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice offered only that "these Iraqi leaders are taking the brave step toward democracy."

President Bush is on vacation and could not be reached for comment.



The cast of HBO's 'Sopranos' has reached out to the Bush Administration, advising they will offer their services to go to Iraq, and "give those guys alittle nudge" as to completeing the new Iraqi Constitution.

Top Ten Cloves: New Names Rejected By P Diddy

10. Camp Combs

9. P Diddy Lite

8. Howdy Diddy

7. Million Dollar Diddy

6. Hi Di Hi Di Hi Di Diddy

5. New Iraqi Constitution Diddy

4. Diddyoogle

3. Diddy or Doesn'ty

2. iDiddy

1. Diddy Have Her Before Affleck

Tuesday 16 August 2005

Stymied By Publishers, Google To Digitize Bazooka Joe Comics

If Impasse Prolonged, Google To Continue With Baseball Cards, Shopping Coupons

Rebuffed last week by publishers and trade groups, forcing them to suspend scanning copyrighted material of some of the world's largest libraries and universities, Google announced today that they will move forward with their Google Print project and begin digitizing the Bazooka Joe comics.

Bazooka Bubble Gum became famous for its' Bazooka Joe comics that they included in each piece of gum sold. Bazooka Joe was first introduced in the gum in 1953 and now has over 700 comic strips strips in its' archives.

"It's a start," lamented Adam Smith, a senior product manager at Google. "We want to scan the world, so this is as good a place to start as any."

Google had to temporarily halt its' Google Print program, that will make searchable, digital copies of the vast contents of three university libraries, to give publishers and other copyright holders the chance to opt out of having their protected works copied.

Google has reached agreements to scan digital copies of some of the world's largest university library collections, including Harvard, Stanford, the University of Michigan, as well as with Oxford University and the New York Public Library.

Publishers and a publishing trade association called the opt-out offer inadequate, saying that the search giant is trying to upend copyright law.

Patricia Schroeder, the former Colorado congresswoman who is president and chief executive of the Association of American Publishers, the trade group, said one concern is "How is an author even supposed to know that his or her work is being copied?"

Ms. Schroeder said that the publishers were in favor of expanding access to the content that they publish, but that some publishers have said they were concerned that Google might begin to sell advertising related to the results of searches of copyrighted material without sharing the revenues with the copyright owners.

Google defended its project as a benefit to all parties.

``These copies are permitted under copyright law,'' said a Google spokesman in an e-mail interview Friday. ``By participating in the Google Print program and making the full text of their books searchable via Google, publishers and authors can attract new readers and increase book sales.''

Google has arbitrarily set a November 1st deadline for publishers to respond, advising which copyright material it can't use.

Bazooka, through a company spokesperson, said it is "thrilled to be scanned" and indicated that it may integrate it into the storyline of the Bazooka Joe comics.

Smith indicated that, if the impasse with publishers isn't resolved, the Google Print program will continue with its mission, and take on scanning baseball cards, shopping coupons and fortune cookie strips.












After clearing Paula Abul, rumors are circulating that American Idol is planning on replacing Rueben and Simon as judges with Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward


Male Chefs To Join Crawford Protest

Will Demand Answers Why Female Named To Exec White House Position

Hundreds of male chefs plan to arrive in Crawford, Texas today, to begin protesting the White House naming Cristeta Comerford as
the first woman to be the White House executive chef.

The group of male chefs say that the President had not been "upfront" with them during the lengthy selection process and they want answers.

"We have a long tradition to protect," offered Rafael Chenzo, a deserts chef from Richmond, VA.

Former White House Executive Chef Walter Scheib III was "pushed out" this past February by Mrs. Bush. Susan Whitson, the first lady's press secretary said that the "mission was accomplished" as to the quality of the White House cuisine and it was "time for a change."

"Picking Cris as the first woman chef is a good publicity move, I expect," said the ousted Scheib.

The chefs want to ask to ask the President if he knew of the move and when he knew it. They also want answers if there are plans to move other male chefs out of government positions.

The male chefs will be joining the protest of Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain U.S. soldier who has been camped out in Crawford for over 10-days, demanding to talk with President Bush and find out what "the noble cause" is that her son died for in Iraq.

Sheehan said that she "welcomes" the chefs to "Camp Crawford" and wished them well in their protest.

"We'll be out there, with our signs, toques and aprons," said Scheib. "We won't be leaving until the President talks with us."

Scheib indicated that the male chefs will run a food concession, for the other protesters.

"It will be a well-fed protest," said Scheib. "And we know some dishes, that, once they start cooking, and the President gets a whiff, he'll coming running to us.

Top Ten Cloves: What Iraqi Assembly Will Do Over Next Week To Build Constitution

10. Sending a few member to Crawford, to see what Cindy Sheehan thinks they should do

9. Study Jeanine Pirro's public speaking style

8. Wants to wait and see if Roberts gets confirmed

7. Will receive delegation from ABC, to talk about new reality series - Desperate Assembly Members

6. Come to terms with GoldenPalace.Com, for piece of Baklava with image of Allah on it

5. Planning to have a "Constitution Sunday" and they will invite Bill Frist

4. Build consensus to dump Islam and start talks with Southern Baptists

3. Debating whether or not to wait until they have Constitution to condemn Bush for naming female White House Chef

2. Assigning teams to search through eBay for any used Constitutions

1. Starting talks with Israel, to see if Sunni's can be moved into Gaza also

Monday 15 August 2005

Pope, Vatican Relieved New Sex Scandal Is Adultery

Videotape Flown To Rome; Teams of Lawyers, Denial Machine Stand Down

The Vatican announced today that Pope Benedictus XVI
was "relieved" that the St. Patrick's Cathedral sex scandal was a matter of "adultery" and not, as events that that rocked the Catholic Church over the past 5-years, an abuse of young boys.

A Vatican spokesperson stated that, after additional information was gathered, including having flown to Rome, the videotape that alleges Msgr. Eugene V. Clark and Mrs. Laura DeFilippo carried on an illicit affair, did the Pope "relax, and was happy that a new wave of negative media wasn't being visited on the church."

The Vatican called for a "stand down" of an army of lawyers that is kept on retainer and the Vatican Press Office immediately ceased working on the pages of denials being prepared.

The stand-down order was too late to stop Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), who has a three-year contract with the Vatican to defend the church and deflect attention away from any sex abuse reports.

Santorum, on Friday, lambasted Boston once again, blaming the alleged affair on Boston's "liberals" and, indirectly, suggesting the Kennedy family as being involved.

"Look, for one, there's a lot of Kennedy's in New York and they worship at St. Patrick's. So there's a clear line right there."

Earlier this year, Santorum defended remarks he made over three-years ago, putting blame of the enormous sex abuse scandal in the Boston Archdiocese, in an on-line essay, citing Boston's liberal culture was a ''sexual license and sexual freedom that nurtured an environment where sexual abuse would occur.

Santorum's office stated that the stand-down order was received, however, after Santorum had made his comments.

"The Senator will have no further comment at this time."

It's being reported that, after reviewing the videotape and documents on the Clark-DeFilippo affair, Pope Benedictus XVI broke open with celebration, having his favorite Germany beer brought in and an impromptu "party" took place.

This included a telephone call to St. Patrick's Cathedral, where the Pope and Msgr. Clark talked privately.

Sources that were present said, in overhearing parts of the conversation, Pope Benedictus was "ribbing" Msgr. Clark, joking with him and reportedly asked if "he was using Viagra or Cialis."














Citing more Republican "pork spending", Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) cited "hundreds-of-thousands" in waste, having Federal agents guarding photos


Bush Administration Grounding Iraqis Over Missed Deadline

Had Warned Playing With Friends, Staying Out Late Would Lead to Consequences

President Bush is said to be "furious" with the Iraqis, over missing today's deadline to have a constitution in place and is considering taking action.

"The President, as well as other members of his staff," stated White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan, "have repeatedly cautioned and warned the Iraqis on the deadline."

Reportedly, the Iraqis paid little attention to the deadline, according to other White House sources.

"They were out, partying with friends, staying out all hours of the night, dropping reconstruction money like it was water," said one source.

"They just kept saying to Rice, Rumsfield and others that it wasn't a problem … That they'd take care of it," said another source

The President is considering a number of actions to take, to bring the Iraqis around to focus on the work they have to do. McClellan stated two measure are being instituted immediately;

- The President is taking away television privileges for all National Assembly members, until there is, at minimum, a working draft.

- A number of "key" assembly members have been grounded. They can report to work but then, must return straight home, no lingering or "hanging out" with friends.

"The President hopes that this sends a message and that they will buckle down and get to work."

The Iraqis have complained to the Bush administration that such punishments are unfair and that "none of the other National Assemblies in the area are being treated in this manner."

Fingerpointing has surfaced as the Sunnis, Shiites and Kurdish all have blamed each other.

The President has remained resolute, saying all three groups will be punished and also indicated there are other measure that may be instituted, including giving the Iraqis "extra chores", and extending the television ban into the Fall and "not letting them watch the World Cup action."

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Justice Sunday II

10. Ratings should be good - I think 'Desperate Housewives' is still in reruns

9. Think those South Koreans can clone Conservatives?

8. I know we bumped Frist, but did anybody get his videotapes to use tonight?

7. Okay, we want them to stick to the Constitution, but we gotta leave some room for when it helps us for them to be activists

6. Phyllis, we cannot not use the jumbo screens - Just chill out, it makes all our heads look gigantic

5. "Hey DeLay, now that Abramoff got indicted, where you getting your spare cash from?"

4. Any new feeding tube victims or do we still run with the Schiavo case?

3. We got a new problem - The White House just named a woman to be their Executive Chef

2. Okay, let's get it straight, this Cindy Sheehan woman, is she just an "ignorant harlot" or "Osama's whore"?

1. Hey, I don't blame that St. Patrick's guy - Did you see Dobson's personal secretary?

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 13 August 2005

To guard against future terrorist attacks on buses, Londoners, will now have to ride to their destinations via horseback. Prime Minister Tony Blair called the measure temporary and, in a related matter, 10 Downing Street will begin selling fertilizer.

















Okay, aside from that one unintentional mistake, I really mean it this time - I have never taken steroids - period! See, I'm even pointing my finger, that's how much I mean it!














The Garlic obtained rare, exclusive photos of Katherine Harris having her make-up applied before a recent campaign appearance










What's that you say? The Conservatives are dumping ol' Nuclear Option boy over here?



Steve Young, recent inductee to the National Football League Hall of Fame announced he has signed and exclusive deal with a South Korean laboratory to have himself cloned. Young, shown with a partial clone of his upper torso, will be a spokesperson for the company, and is expected to recruit other Hall of Fame players for cloning

Friday 12 August 2005

Santorum Blames Boston Liberalism For St. Patrick's Msgr. Affair

Says Clark "Influenced" By Beantown Decadence; Also Tags "Hillary's Hand Mixed In This"

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) weighed-in last evening on the latest news shocking the New York Archdiocese - that St. Patrick's Cathedral, Msgr. Eugene V. Clark resigned yesterday over charges that he conducted a sexual affair with his personal secretary, a married woman who is 33-years younger than Clark.

"I think it is pretty clear," said Santorum, author of 'It Takes A Family', "that the Monsignor was influenced by the liberals in Boston.

Santorum drew fire last month, after comments he made three-years ago, tying Boston's "liberalism" with the Roman Catholic Church pedophile scandal, resurfaced. When given the opportunity to clarify the remarks, Santorum defended them, and added to them, citing the Boston Red Sox World Series win last year as "yet another sign of Boston's liberal decadence."

"Look, for one, there's a lot of Kennedy's in New York and they worship at St. Patrick's. So there's a clear line right there."

The scandal broke on Monday, when Philip DeFilippo, who is married to Monsignor Clark's secretary, Laura DeFilippo, filed for divorce. In his court papers, DeFilippo alleges that his wife, who worked for Monsignor Clark for more than 25-years, and Clark had the affair.

The New York media since then, has run photos and videotape showing Mrs. DeFilippo and Monsignor Clark entering a Hamptons motel last month, and walking out five-hours later, both wearing different clothing then when they had entered.

William Donohue, the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, defended Clark, saying that "the same people that want to tear down the Monsignor are the same people who helped murder Terri Schiavo."

Monsignor Clark is the second prominent official of the archdiocese to step down in recent years over allegations of sexual misbehavior. In 2002, James F. McCarthy, an auxiliary bishop in charge of northern Westchester, Rockland and Putnam Counties, resigned after admitting that he had had sexual affairs with several women.

Santorum also placed blame for the scandal with Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY).

"It seems alittle too coincidental that, in the week Hillary sees a strong candidate challenge her for her seat, we have this happen."

Santorum was referring to Jeanine Pirro, who announced earlier this week that she is seeking the Republican nomination for Senate. Pirro faces a primary race, against Nixon son-in-law, Edward Cox.

Pirro has intended to comment on the St. Patrick's sex scandal. At the press conference called by Pirro, Pirro made a opening statement but then fumbled with and shuffled papers around on the podium, making it apparent that she could not find her remarks.

After 10-minutes, most of the media left.



"What's that you're saying? Someone is camped out on my property? ... I'll have to look into that ..."










Rumsfield Lays Out More Details For Sept 11th Bash

Says Festivities For "All Ages"; New Iraqi President Named Honorary Grand Marshall

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield laid out more details for the 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense, that will take place in Washington D.C. on September 11th, to commemorate the fourth anniversary of the terrorist attacks.

"Oh, goodness, this just keeps getting better and better." beamed Rumsfield.

Rumsfield has already released that country singer, Clint Black, will perform in concert at the end of the walk, on the National Mall.

Rumsfield announced first that new Iraqi President Jalal Talabani will serve as the honorary Grand Marshall of the event.

"Let's not forget, they're a big part of the freedom picture."

Rumsfield went on to detail that the Walk will include giant "Macy's-type" floats, of President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Rumsfield.

"Well, if you have any 'big head' jokes, now's the time to use them," chided the Secretary.

Rumsfield said that there will be a "dunking tank" and that they will have real, enemy combatants tied to them, flown up from the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp for the day.

"We have signed waivers from these terrorists so there's no abuse story here."

There'll be a replica of an Iraqi village built, and both adults and children will be able to ride armor-less Humvees and hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Rumsfield offered that there will be prizes awarded to the person who finds the most - or any - WMD's.

Balloon artists will be tying balloons in the images of Administration officials for children and, to entertain their parents, there'll be contests to guess which official said which reason we are fighting in Iraqi.

Rumsfield also stated that it is not clear if President Bush will be attending and participating in the festivities.

After announcing the event, Government officials warned that the President has used up his vacation time and won't be able to take the day off. Rumsfield offered that talks are still on-going with the Inspector Generals of Labor and Justice to see if a comprise can be worked out.

Though September 11th this year falls on a Sunday, technically, the President is still on-duty.

Rumsfield indicated the talks are centered on the President making up the time by working late two-hours, per-day for that week and taking off Sunday as 'comp time'.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs You're Having A Bad Summer Vacation

10. Your favorite and most generous lobbyist gets indicted

9. Phoenix Coyotes name you as their coach

8. A little weekend getaway ends up with you mowing lawns as part of your community service sentence

7. You fall out of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium and then get arrested

6. The mother of a slain soldier is camping on your doorstep

5. Innocently, you unknowingly use steroids and the whole world comes down on you

4. The Justice Sunday crew bumps you off the program

3. Two of the jurors who acquitted you are now writing books saying your guilty

2. High government officials run a smear campaign against you and your husband

1. You find out your wife is having an affair - with a priest

Thursday 11 August 2005

Litigants Win First ABC Million Dollar Idea Prize - Before Broadcast

Cowell, Idol and Network Settle Case; Say Idea To Sue Was "Brilliant, Daring" and "Unexpected"

It came down to the old standard; When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

After being sued by two independent producers of an obscure Minnesota-based program of the same title, ABC, FremantleMedia North America, producers of "American Idol" and Simon Cowell, "Idol's" controversial judge announced they have reached a settlement.

Jean M. Golden and Todd P. Walker, the independent Minnesota producers, will be declared winners of the yet-to-be-broadcast 'The Million Dollar Idea' and receive the "$1-Million prize of business support, includes cash, top-notch entrepreneurial counseling and physical resources.

"This was quite unexpected", offered Cowell. "The concept to sue us was absolutely brilliant and daring. We can't overlook that when we take what 'The Million Dollar Idea' is about."

Cowell and staff had begun the process of seeking out contestants. Scores of hours had be spent reading business plans, listening to pitches and conducting primary interviews. Much of what had been reviewed for possible content for the show was "pretty much what we expected" said Cowell.

"We had everything from MBA's to Mom-and-Pop operations submitting ideas to us."

The settlement, which is under seal, does stipulate that Cowell, Fremantle and ABC were not "copycats" in developing 'The Million Dollar Idea' and there is no agreement that Golden and Walker will share in any of the revenues generated by the program.

Cowell indicated that they have already begun planning for Season Two.

"We're close to signing a contestant that is going to sue Golden and Walker, claiming that they first had the idea to sue us. This is going to be so exciting."

State and Federal Prosectors continue to investigate allegations of falsified records and poor quality of Boston's $14.6-Billion Big Dig Project.












IG's Tell Bush No Go On America Supports You Freedom Walk

"Too Much Time Out of Office"; Can't Stretch or Misuse Vacation, Sick Time

The Inspector Generals of both Labor and Justice have sent a memorandum to President Bush, indicating that he will not be able to attend or take part in the just-announced 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense to honor the victims and troops on the fourth anniversary of September 11th.

"Five-weeks vacation is the limit" said Gordon S. Heddell, the IG of Labor and Glen A. Fine, IG of Justice. "We get into some very grey areas if the President were to take the day off to attend. There is constitutional mandates to adhere to and the U.S. Government does not tolerate misuse of vacation or sick time."

On Tuesday, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfield made the announcement of the celebration.

"Every year since the Sept. 11 attacks, Americans have commemorated that anniversary. This year the Department of Defense will initiate an American Supports You Freedom Walk. The walk will begin at the Pentagon and end at the National Mall. It will include many of the major monuments in Washington, D.C., reminding participants of the sacrifices of this generation and of each previous generation that have so successfully defended our freedoms," Rumsfeld said.

Country music star Clint Black will be a featured performer, with additional entertainers and events to-be-announced.

Rumsfield stated that "the goal for next year's walk is to get each state to host its own Freedom Walk to provide an opportunity for as many citizens as possible to reflect on the importance of freedom."

There's been no official comment from Crawford, Texas, where the President is vacationing.

White House Spokesperson, Scott McClellan did confirm that the President received the memo and that he was "disappointed."

"The President loves parades and marches. The music, the marching bands, it really gets him charged up."

Sources close to the White House said that staff members are negotiating with the Inspector Generals and the Department of Defense. At issue is, if the DOD reroutes the walk to pass by the White House, can the President, using one of the two 15-minutes breaks, go to the curb on Pennsylvania Avenue to view the march.

Rumsfield stated that "he hopes the President can attend".

"Goodness, we'd love to have him with us. He's the architect of our current freedom plans, he should be here."

By tradition, Vice President Dick Cheney will spend September 11th in his secret bunker, and not attend the walk.