Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Breaking News! Zidane Signals New Era of “Hooligan Diplomacy”

Have Head-Butt, Will Travel - Mr. Zizou Goes To Washington

World Cup Golden Ball Winner Wooed By Bush Team; Likely Will Be Assigned To Bolton at U.N.

There are more signs of Chief of Staff Josh Bolten shaking up and revamping the Bush White House, as a press conference has been announced for later today to announce that World Cup star and legendary French soccer captain Zinedine Zidane will be joining the Bush Administration.

Zidane, winner of the World Cup’s Golden Ball, which is awarded to the best player in the tournament, announced his retirement from soccer just yesterday.

Zidane’s French team lost to Italy in the World Cup Finals, 1-1 but went down in Penalty Kicks, 5-3 and was marred by a glaring and vicious foul by Zidane, when, in the second overtime period, Zidane head-butted Italian defender Marco Materazzi directly in the chest, sending the Italian to ground. Zidane was Red Carded and ejected from the match

Numerous unconfirmed press reports indicate that Materazzi had called Zidane, whose parents are Algerian immigrants, a “terrorist.”

Zidane Signals New Era of “Hooligan Diplomacy”

Inside sources tell The Garlic that Zizou, as he is affectionately known by his legions of fans, will report to the State Department.

“This is a real coup for Bush,” offered Dix Whitcomb, editor of the newsletter "Our Laws Are Different"

“If they are retiring their “Cowboy Diplomacy ”, then bringing in Zidane looks to be a signal of, I don’t know, perhaps “Hooligan Diplomacy”.

The White House has been quietly searching for a new name for its diplomacy.

Bolton: “Red Card? I’ll be giving him Red Bull”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that she was “thrilled” to have Zidane coming aboard.

“He’s got a good head on his shoulders,” said Rice. ‘I believe he’ll be a valuable member of our team. Having a person with the stature of Zizou should help us cut down our tactical errors

Zidane, according to sources, is likely to be assigned to the United Nations, and reporting to U.S. Ambassador to the U.N, John Bolton

Bolton, when reached for comment said he was “ecstatic” that Zidane would be working with him.

“Give him a Red Card? I’ll be giving him Red Bull, to help me keep the North Koreans and Iranians in line”

The Italian Ambassador to the U.N., Marcello Spatafora, indicated he may file for a resolution, banning head-butting during conferences and in general sessions.

President Bush jokingly commented that “I was surprised that we could find someone that could work with John [Bolton}. They should get along fabulously.”

Lieberman Hails Zidane Choice; Says Looks Forward To Working With Soccer Star

In a related matter, Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT?) welcomed the news of Zidane coming to Washington and indicated that the two, could conceivably, be working together in the near future.

Lieberman indicated that he may file papers and campaign for the job of United Nations Secretary General.

“I’m leaving all of my options open,” said the embattled Senator, as he wages a tough race against Democratic challenger Ned Lamont, for next month’s primary election. “I’ll land myself somewhere, you can bet on that.”

U.N Ambassador John Bolton said no Red Card for Zizou, only Red Bull, to help him keep North Korea and Iran in line

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