Bonds Now Denies He Ever Played Major League Baseball
Say Media Confusing Him With Another; Considers Lawsuit To Stop Harassment
San Francisco Giants star slugger Barry Bonds now claims that he has never played Major League Baseball and that the media's harassment is overlooking that they must be confusing him with another person.
This follows a testy interview on Monday, when Bonds, at first, hinted at retirement and then went into a tirade blaming the media for causing his injury and unfairly associating him with illegal steroid use. In a recent development, a former girlfriend of Bonds, Kimberly Bell of San Jose, Calif., has testified that Bonds told her, as early as 2000, that he was on steroids.
Bond is currently recoveing from a second knee operation, that will keep him for staring the season, and could, potentially, sideline him for the entire year. Bonds is chasing the homerun record of Hank Aaron and would likely, early in the campaign, surpass Babe Ruth to stand in second place.
As media approached Bonds yesterday, Bonds waived his hands, to stay away. But with cameras rolling and microphones turned on, Bonds shoke his head and started talking, to no one in particular.
"Man, you guys got the wrong person … I don't know what you're talking about - playing baseball? … I've never played baseball in my life …You got the wrong guy and, if you keep talking about me this way, I'll have to call my lawyer … Baseball, give me a break … You guy's got the wrong guy … It's not me, whoever you are talking about … Better go back and check your sources …"
Team and league officials denied comment on the reports. A lawyer from Major League Baseball's office in New York was dispatched to Scottsdale, Ariz., the site of the Giants training camp, to meet with team officials and Bonds.
An unconfirmed report indicates that after the press conference, Bonds even denied his name was Barry Bonds.
Avaya Faces Class Action Suit
Parties Charge Can't Fit Office In Autos
Misleading and deceptive advertising charges have lead to a class-action lawsuit being filed against the Avaya, Inc. The plantiffs seek for an end to the practice and unspecified damages.
Avaya Inc. designs, builds and manages communications networks for more than one million businesses worldwide, including over 90 percent of the Fortune 500, and is a world leader in secure and reliable Internet Protocol telephony systems and communications software applications and services
The case began after Joel Harrington, of Skokie, Ill. viewed the Avaya television commercial depicting a man working in his office, with a full staff, in his automobile, even warning the co-wokers of a bump in the road coming ahead.
Harrington was impressed with what he saw and immediately thought about applying the same to his small business.
After purchasing over $200,000 of Avaya products and services, Mr. Harrington soon found that he could not fit the equipment, or his staff of six in his 1998 Ford Tarus.
"We tried a number of different configurations", a beleagured Harrington stated at a news conference announcing the suit. "Just the equipment alone took up a great deal of space. Doug, our Purchasing manager was complete cramped and couldn't perform his duties".
Harrington was additionally stressed as the changes also meant the end of the carpool he and his co-workers shared. A number of the other auto's in the carpool were too small to accommodate any of the equipment and there was also the amount of time it took to transfer the equipment between the different automobiles and reset the office.
For a period of time, all of Harrington's employess used their own automobiles, and with distributing the necessary equipnment - and even purchasing additional items - they were able to conduct their business but, as Harrington stated in his suit, "it defeated the desired result, as depicted by Avaya, of a functioning, thriving business working in unison".
Harrington, through websites and chatrooms, soon discovered he was not alone. Thousands of others, who purchasd Avaya products, have had similar expereriences.
One party in San Diego, hitched a trailer to his auto to accommodate his office by was cited as being a commerical vehicle and fined. Another, a manufacturer in Richmond, VA had the additional expense of having his automobile fitted with costly filters so as to be in complaince with federal and EPA standards.
Avaya, based in Basking Ridge, NJ, offered no comment, indicating they have not seen the lawsuit. As of yesterday, their Legal Department was traveling on Route 75, somewhere near Kentucky.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Friday 25 March 2005
Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better
9. Church organist will play a medley of 50-Cent's music
8. Special Rafle - Win a four-year scholarship to College of Cardinals
7. Batting cages in back of churches so you can work out and still get credit for attending services
6. Low Carb Communion Waffers
5. Matching services - Will pair you up with a fugitive and a copy of 'The Purpose-Driven Life'
4. Instead of a sip, will give you a glass of wine you can take back to your seat
3. One-day amnesity on purchasing 'The DiVinci Code'
2. Along with getting your feet washed, full pedicure services available at selected churches
1. Established 900 Number - Get a Wake Up! call from the Pope
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Thursday 24 March 2005
Microsoft Signs Pope For Marketing Deal
Steve Ballmer announced today the Microsoft has signed an exclusive marketing deal with Pope John Paul II to endorse Windows 2005. The promotions will be across television, print and internet
This is an unprecedented coup, for both Microsoft and The Vatican.
"We noticed", offered Ballmer, "that since he was released from the hospital, the Pope's appearances have been, almost exclusively, seen from a window … We happen to have a product called Windows, so we reached out. Bill and I took a trip to the Vatican to talk directly with the Pope, and his staff".
What those talks yielded was an undisclosed fee, rumored to be in the millions, for the Pope to endorse Windows 2005. Packaging will include a photo of the Pope, in a Microsoft window, and print ads are being developed using his image, with the tag line "Powered by The Pope".
A special edition of Windows 2005 will be marketed, with special religious bookmarks prepackaged into the browser and an autographed copy by the Pope will be put to auction on eBay, with Microsoft and the Vatican splitting the proceeds.
Ballmer dismissed that the move was related to appeasing the European Union, who recently ruled against Microsoft in their anti-trust suit. Ballmer also stated that the rights to using the Pope are Microsoft's only, and not extended to any of their partners or OEM's.
This was bad news for Intel Corporation, who, upon hearing of the deal, rushed a new campaign out of 'Intel - And The Pope - Inside'.
McGwire Shifts, Softens Stand; Will Speak
Following his embarrassing appearance before the Congressional panel looking into the steroid scandal in Major League Baseball last week, Mark McGwire, who refused to answer questions, indicated he has changed his position and will offer some information.
As he repeated over-and-over during the hearings that "I will not speak about the past", McGwire indicated yesterday during a press conference, he's ready to talk about events that occurred on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays - whether in the past or present.
"I've come to realize that I was not as forthcoming as I could have been, and that, I, perhaps, misunderstood some of the instructions given to by my council".
When asked if his lawyers "over-coached" him, McGwire responded; "I will not speak about the past". Asked if that meant his lawyers coached him on days other than Tuesday, Wednesday or Saturday, McGwire repeated the phrase.
Another questioner asked McGwire what he would talk about, that did occur on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Saturday.
"Anything … What I had for breakfast … Whatever game we played those days … There's really nothing I won't talk about related to my activities on Tuesday's, Wednesday's or Saturday's"
"Did you take steroids"
"I will not talk about my past", again offered McGwire.
A spokesman for McGwire, who refused to identify himself, indicated that talks are on-going between McGwire and his lawyers to add Monday's as an area he will discuss.
Stadium Deal Falls; Jets New Home To Be In PA.
With democrats lining up against him over the West Side Stadium project, Mayor Michael Bloomberg intimated that the deal was broken and the New York Jets will go with an alternate plan, that will have build and play in Scranton, PA.
The West Side Stadium, a pet project of the Republican mayor, Michael R. Bloomberg, has come under constant criticism, for using city and state funds for private concerns. It was to be an ambitious project, that included spending on a vast amount of infrastructure and expanding the Javits Center.
The Mayor would only comment that he was "disappointed" and hopes that he can build back the momentum for the project.
"I'd like to be remembered for something more than just 'The Gates"
A Jet's team official indicated the team would have no comment at this time and offered that they would retain the name of the New York Jets while based in Scranton.
Top Ten Cloves: Other People Florida Gov. Jeb Bush Wants To Take Into Protective Custody
9. Donny Duetsch - Somebody's got to get him off television
8. Tucker Carlson - He'll feel more comfortable in his bow ties with the state's older population
7. Lil' Kim - Will let her out of jail for Spring Break performances
6. Rep. Tom DeLay - Favor for his brother, just until the ethic charges thing dies down
5. Pope John Paul II - Pope can sit in a Florida window, which will help ailing state tourism
4. Martha Stewart - Won't make her wear the ankle monitor; Can get some of those great cranberry-orange muffins she makes
3. Dan Rather - Will house him at Cape Canaveral and have him explain the frequency to NASA scientists
2. Siegfried and Roy - They switch from tigers to alligators; Roy gets attacked by alligator, which will help ailing state tourism
1. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles - Already has special bill; No problem giving her title, Queen of Florida
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Wednesday 23 March 2005
Castro Shocker
Offers Parties to Drop Case; He'll Take Schiavo and Send Elian Back
Cuban leader Fidel Castro injected himself into the Terri Schiavo case early this morning, offering, that if all parties dropped their law suits, he would send 12-year-old Elian Gonzalez back to Florida.
Shortly after the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, in a 2-1 vote, rejected the latest claim by the Schindler's, Terri's parents, to resume the feeding of their brain-damaged daughter, Castro called Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice with his offer.
A young, five-year-old Elian was the focus of a bitter court battle soon after he rescued by American fisherman after he was found floating on an inner tube on Thanksgiving moring in 1999. Backed by anti-Castro Cuban-Americans, a fight was taken up to the Supreme Court, who refused the case, after a lower court ordered young Elian to be returned to his father in Cuba in the summer of 2000.
In a statement, speaking through an interpreter, Castro indicated he didn't "trust the American courts" and that he would "allow the woman to die with dignity"
Breaking into English, Castro continued.
"These courts, they are not for the people … They don't hold the people's interest in their hearts. Look at my little nino, Elian. If the situation was reversed, I would have ordered my courts to keep the boy in America. I would look at the better quality of life, food, the schools … Everything, except his baseball, would be better … They were loco to send him back …"
With the President, the Congress, the Justice Department involved in the Schiavo case, the State Deparment now reluctantly joins in. Officials scrambled this morning, in Washington and Florida, as news of the Castro offer leaked.
Thousands of anti-Castro Cuban Americans flocked to Atlanta, to the Appeals Court, already overcrowded with protesters, calling for the court to take up Castro's offer. Another throng of Cuban Americans streamed into Tampa, and to the hospice where Terri Schiavo is cared for, offering to assist in getting her to Cuba.
Florida Governor Jeb Bush called for his state legislature to review the Castro offer and is said to be in close contact with the State Department.
The State Department refused comment on Castro's statements and offer, with senior officials meeting with Congressional members and White House staff.
Senate Whip, Senator Bill Frist issued a statement, indicating that Congress could possibly issue a new bill, if it included broader elements that Cuba would take additional patients in vegatative states.
A New Twist; Queen Takes Out Living Will
Just as the news broke that, by law, Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become Queen, when her husband, Prince Charles, takes the throne as King, Queen Elizabeth announced that she has taken out a Living Will and directs that she be kept alive by any and all means.
The Department for Constitutional Affairs confirmed on Monday that legislation would be needed for Camilla not to become Queen automatically on Charles's succession. Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles have previously announced Camilla would be known as the Duchess of Cornwall after her marriage and intends to take the title Princess Consort when Charles becomes King.
Any attempts to change the rules would be extremely difficult. It would require not only a new law in Britain, but also legislative changes in 15 nations where the British monarch is head of state.
All that may be a moot point with the Queen's making a Living Will.
A palace spokesperson indicated that the Queen was "riveted" by the Terri Schiavo case in the United States, and, after conferrng with her staff, and with Prime Minister Tony Blair, the Queen decided it would be best for England that she have a Living Will, so Britons would not have to go through what was happening in the United States.
Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles had no comment on the news of the Living Will. Their wedding is scheduled to take place on April 8th.
Top Ten Cloves: If CEO's, World Leader's Could Wear Pajamas To Work
10. Bernie Ebbers: Black-and-White Stripes
9. Jeff Bezos: Hasn't reached the point yet where he can wear pajamas to work
8. Summer Redstone: One-piece, red flannel, with trap door
7. Donald Rumsfeld - Just skivee's, or the one's with tanks and helicopters on them
6. Larry Ellison: Long, flowing white robe, with staff
5. Kirstie Alley - All the left over fabric from The Gates
4. Dick Cheney - Something like the Electric Cowboy, that light up - courtesy of his buddies on the Energy Commission
3. Martha Stewart - Kind'a got used to the orange jumpsuit she wore in prison
2. Steve Jobs - Won't say until next MacWorld Keynote; Will sue if anyone reveals it before then
1. Tony Blair - Whichever one's President Bush lays out for him
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop
Undergoes Induced Vegatative State, To Be Doctor Monitored, To Get To Heart of Schiavo Story
As the world awaits a Florida Judge's decision, following extraordinary Congressional intervention, Fox News announced yesterday that it's star reporter, Geraldo Rivera, will be medically induced into a vegatative state, for a series of special reports on the Terri Schiavo case.
"I will be completely safe", offered Rivera at a news conference. "We have a team of doctors, all very certified and qualified, that will put me under, monitor me and, if necessary, administer life-saving measures to me" … This is what journalism is all about".
Rivera, who joined FOX News in November 2001 as a war correspondent, has a long career history, as by his critics, of over-the-top antics in his reporting, said he just wants to get to the heart of the matter for the benefit of his viewers.
"This is a very emotional case, no matter what side of the issue you are on", said Rivera. "We had unprecidented action by our Congress …It's brother verus brother, versus mother, versus father … It's ripping the country apart".
"By allowing me to feel what Terri must be feeling. I can, perhaps, help put it all into perspective … Will I know I am helpless? Will I have a will to survive? Will I be crying out, through my blank stare? … My involuntary, reflex movements? … How can I tell them I want to live? Who will hear my cries?"
The project, supported by both Ruppert Murdoch and Peter Chernin, president and COO of News Corp, will be a special, aired on Fox, in May, over the course of three nights. Every element of the procedures to induce Rivera into a vegatative state, the time he spends essentially comatose, the tests that will be conducted on him, will all be filmed.
A team of doctors, who were not identified, will oversee all medical procedures and testing. Fox plans on making the data gathered in the project available to reseachers.
Chernin indicated that this is a go project, regardless how the Florida Judge rules, or any additional Congressional or legal action that takes place.
The surprise announcement caught many of the other networks off-guard. NBC rushed a statement out saying they plan on having anchor Brian Williams begin doing stand-up's from actual hospital rooms in America. Peter Jennings will have a film crew with him for a routine check-up, which Jennings will sit down with his doctor to discuss a living will. ABC News will carry this a titled segment series for one week, probably in late April.
CBS and CNN indicated that plans were being made and they would have statements at a later date.
Rivera also received some extra reassurance.
Majority Leader, Rep. Tom DeLay indicated that if anything goes wrong, "we'll have another all-night session and bang out the Gerry Rivera Bill",
Rumsfeld Waivers On Japanese Sub Found
Intimates Country Invaded by North Korea
The wreckage of a large Japanese submarine found last week by researchers in waters off Hawaii is said to be of World War II vintage, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wasn't convinced and has launched an investigation.
In an extended press conference yesterday, Rumsfeld offered that there has been "chatter" recently from Pyongyang and that he "wouldn't put anything past the North Koreans".
"We know they were here for September-eleventh and there's been a steady rise in intelligence and chatter coming from
Pyongyang … Pak-man (North Korean Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju) doesn't like us - we know-he knows-we-know-it and this just has his fingerprints all over it"
A research team from the University of Hawaii discovered the huge submarine, said to be of the 400 Sensuikan Toku class of subs.
At a height of 40-feet tall, and capable of carrying a 150-man crew, it was the largest class of subs built before the nuclear class came in the 1960's.
"Think about it", offered Rumsfeld, "They have Al-Qaeda cells embedded all over their country, they're walking away from the nuclear talks and they know we have a whole bunch of new people here … Condi, John, the whole bunch … March Madness is going on here …All that coma girl controversy … What better time to try a strike against us? … If I were a tyrannical dictator … if had a deep, deep hatred of the United States … if I was in bed with some of the nastiest terrorist on this planet, I might think about it (invading the U.S.) …"
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated only that President Bush was reviewing all the information and would have no comment until that process was completed.
A spokesperson for the University of Hawaii released a brief statement that read, in part, "the director of the research team, as well as all team members, believe they found a World War II Japanese submarine".
Top Ten Cloves: Ways Chief Justice William Rehnquist Will Be Welcomed Back To Supreme Court
9. Do alittle off-the-books adjustings of some laws so he can get his drugs from Canada
8. His biggest wish; Let him hold secret 'People's Court' sessions during off-hours and weekends
7. For nostalgia, rest of Justices will let him strike down the Martin Luther King holiday ruling in Arizona
6. Make sure he has a Living Will; None of them want to be sticking a tube in him
5. Justice Sandra Day O'Conner will give him a lap dance
4. To really cheer him up, they'll overturn Roe v. Wade
3. Give him the okay to wear Hawaiian shirts in-session
2. His favorite; When courts' out-of-session, blindfold him, spin him in chair and let him walk around dizzy until he falls down
1. Give him the good news - They got a bite on his Reality TV script - Fat Supreme Court Justice - from Fox
Monday, March 21, 2005
Lucas To Increase Production of Stars Wars; Liz Taylor Snubbed; No More Future For DeLorean
3D Remakes Tip of Iceburg; New Galaxies, Wars Offer Endless Plots
Just as George Lucas prepares to release, Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith, on May 19th, the final film of his multi-billion-dollar franchise, and re-release all Star Wars films in 3D, a report has surfaced that there are no plans to slow down.
Lucas will actually increase production of his Star Wars films, carrying story lines into new, parallel universes that offer endless plots and a perpetual river of movies, product spin-offs and a bevy of new ancillary items.
Since 1977 and the first Star Wars release, Lucas has sold over $3-billion worth of tickets at box offices around the world.
The report, confidentially obtained by The Garlic, show that a trilogy-per-year will begin in 2006, with a 3D-re-release targeted for three-years later. There will be no overlap on releases, as each trilogy will be a separate story line, with different chararters in different locations.
Plots will be centered around the full family lineage of main characters, such as Luke Skywalker, Darth Vadar, Obi-Wan Kenobi and others. Natalie Portman, who portrays Senator Amidala, is said to have signed a lifetime contract, so that she can age naturally on-screen.
Completely new galaxies will be created, with their stories unfolding, in paralell time to the main Star Wars story line. In some cases, descendants of the main characters will be key to these new galaxies, told in two trilogies on the 'Exploration' period, when early members of The Force fanned out in search of new worlds.
The report projects an endless stream of Star Wars movies and products, that will carry on well after Mr. Lucas's passing, perhaps extending as far as great-great-great-grandchildren.
Liz Taylor Miffed At Snub for Fat Actress Role
Movie legend Liz Taylor is said to be furious that she was not offered the starring role of 'Fat Actress', according to Hollywood insiders.
"I wrote the book on being a fat actress" Taylor barked at a recent news confernces. "How dare they cast that nobody … She should stick to doing bad television commercials …"
Taylor, known for such classics as National Velvet, Cleopatra, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, A Place In The Sun and Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf, has worked with such stars as her former husband Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Montgomery Clift, Laurence Harvey, Spencer Tracy, Marlon Brando and countless others.
Taylor indicated, angrily, that when she first heard about the show, she immediately started putting on more weight, confident that she would get the first call for the role.
"I mean … The Kristie person - who is she? What has she done? Television? … God, she wouldn't have been an extra in any one of my hit films … She doesn't hold a stick next to me … I have bracelets that weigh more then her …"
Obituary: DeLorean Founder Dies at 80
John Z. DeLorean, founder of the DeLorean Motor Company, died Saturday after complications due to a stroke. He was 80-years-old.
DeLorean, dissatisfied with how Detroit was making automobilies, left General Motors in 1973 to achieve his dream of building his own car company. In the early 1980's, his DMC-12 model, the only one produced, captured the imagination of futuristic design with it's stainless steel body and it's door that opened up, as opposed to the traditional side-to-side.
Roughly 9,000+ were produced before the company went bankrupt. Soon after the bankruptcy of DeLorean Motor's, DeLorean was targeted by the U.S. Government for drug trafficing but was acquitted in 1984, after a highly publicized trial.
At the high point, it was a must-have item for the rich and famous. The lasting lore was cemented by the 'Back-To-The-Future' movies, starring Michael Fox and Christopher Lloyd, which featured the DMC-12.
According to his wishes, Mr. DeLorean will be buried, with a small mirror, a tightly rolled $100-bill and his stainless steel casket will have a gull-wing door.
Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Boss Is Incompetent
9. You ask about the RFP; Boss goes into how much they loved Mayberry RFD
8. Refuses to use Spell Check; Says doesn't believe in voodoo
7. Thinks they are hip; Has sign on their desk - Buck Doesn't Stop Here - All You Get Is Small Change
6. You ask to be blind-copied on email; Boss chides you for making fun of the handicapped
5. You advise there's a problem with your Direct Deposit; Boss empathizes with you and confides also used fertility clinic
4. Every few months, has cast on hand from punching the timeclock
3. Holds and speaks into the receiver whenever they use the Speakerphone
2. Breaks the office scanner trying to get prank photo of their ass
1. Keeps asking you where to stick the Post-It Notes
Friday, March 18, 2005
Friday 18 March 2005
HP To Auction CEO-For-The-Day On eBay
Facing increasing pressure from the board of directors, non-executive chairman Patricia Dunn stunned the attendee's of Hewlett Packard's annual meeting Wednesday, when she announced that HP will auction CEO-For-The-Day on eBay, beginning immediately.
Dunn said they expect bids to reach "high six, maybe even, seven-figures".
Sources to The Garlic indicate that, over the weekend, Dunn, and interim CEO Bob Wayman met with eBay CEO, Meg Whitman, to gage her interest in running HP. Whitman recently was a candidate for the top post at the Walt Disney Company and rumors are circulating she's on the runway to leave eBay.
Whitman turned down the offer and suggested the auction. After some number-crunching, Dunn and Wayman signed on with the eBay auction to fill their vacant CEO chair.
"It's really a good deal for us", offered Dunn in a conference call with reporters. "Bob and I will keep our titles and we'll deal with the auction winners. Who knows, we might find someone".
Dunn stated there will be safeguards in place, so that the auction winner will be unable to do anything "crazy". Also, there will be language in the contract of the auction that specifically stipulates that the CEO-For-The-Day can not initiate any mergers whatsoever. Dunn offered the board insisted on such a clause.
The CEO-For-The-Day package is shaping up, with the winner chairing an executive staff meeting, attending and participating in marketing and R&D meetings and, at the end of the day, receives a gift basket of HP products, including the new HP iPod.
Wyman offered the HP expects to raise enough revenue for the CEO-For-The-Day auction to pay off former CEO Carli Fiorina's $21-million serverance package and actually turn a profit.
"If we spin out the printing division", offered Dunn, "we might be able to spin off the CEO office as a profit center as well".
In the first few hours after the announcement, HP has already heard from Michael Eisner, outgoing chief of Disney, Ken Lay, former Enron CEO, Martha Stewart, basketball player Reggie Miller (who is retiring from the Indiana Pacers at the end of the current season), Ted Turner and recently retired anchorman, Dan Rather. All have either inquired if they could bid, or had offers ready to place.
Dunn would not confirm or deny that HP is in talks with HBO, who is interested in launching a new series - Fat CEO - as a counterpunch to rival Showtime's Fat Actress.
NBC and Donald Trump's program, 'The Apprentice' has also contacted HP. Rumors have surfaced that HP would allow Trump to film an episode at HP, with the teams competing for the CEO post.
Scandal Hits OPEC; Pricing Tied To Racing Wagers
Para-Mutual Betting Leads to Record Barrel Prices That Continue to Rise
As consumers line up at the pump, around the country, and in many nations around the globe, paying record highs for gasoline, the recent rise in OPEC pricing is shown to be related to para-mutual betting scheme in Saudi Arabia.
Government officials and marketing experts have been exasperated in understanding the continually rising price of crude, speculated to reach $57.50 today. OPEC indicated they may raise their production ceiling by 2 per cent, an additional 500,000 barrels per day in an effort to stablize and lower prices.
Reports are coming out of Riyadh that para-mutual betting on camel races is how OPEC has been setting the daily barrel prices. The scheme involves taking the last digit of the winning bet in the first four races. OPEC has been using that as a means of establishing it's base price for its' crude barrel.
UPI, Reuters and the English Aljazeera all report sources that place OPEC delegates, Chakib Khalil of Algeria and Libya's OPEC representative and Energy Minister Fati Hamid bin Shatwan as the originators of the pricing plan.
While some have charged the races have been fixed, recently, there's been a rash of longshots crossing the finish first, and offering substantially large pay-offs.
OPEC President, Sheikh Ahmad al-Sabah has firmly denied the reports, indicating the the cartel is exploring pumping some 30 million barrels per day by the fourth quarter to help ease the crisis.
Department of Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman, who was cautious in his remarks, waiting for a more detailed report, suggested that "maybe we should base our GNP ratio on who wins the fourth race at Belmont".
Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Mark McGwire Won't Talk About
10. How, early in his career, did sleepovers at Neverland (but Michael never touched me!)
9. Can never get all the words in the Daily Jumble
8. The Lindburgh Baby Kidnapping/Murder
7. When he didn't ask for directions - like his wife suggested - and got lost in Marin County
6. The three-month fling he had with the cute girl from the steroid store
5. That he kind'a liked it when Jose Canseco pulled down his pants
4. First time he tried making lasagna by himself
3. How he still gets excited about going out in costume on Halloween
2. Age 7 - Mr. Puddles (nuf said!)
1. The Future - Hey, the steroids didn't make me a physic!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Thursday 17 March 2005
Top Biz Schools Extend Hacking Penalty
Even Thinking About Doing It Earns Rejection
After rejecting 119 applicants who alledgedly peeked at their files on-line, the Harvard Business School announced they are extending the penalty to those who even 'thought about hacking'. No information was provided on how many additional applicants this would effect.
Sources indicate that the other schools affected by the hacking - Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Duke, Carnegie Mellon and Dartmouth - are expected to follow suit.
Only Stanford has taken no action against the alledgedly hackers.
Earlier this month, an unidentified hacker tapped into a forum, online, on Business Week's website and posted instruction on how applicants could log onto the schools' Web sites to check their admission status. More than 100 applicants to Harvard alone tried to access their admission records. Some saw nothing, while a few found rejection letters in their files.
All of the schools use an online application and notification program - ApplyYourself - made by a Fairfax, Va., company.
Steve Nelson, executive director of the MBA program at Harvard Business School, defended extending the penalties.
"Even thinking about taking this illegal action shows signs of corruption, a lack of morals and suspectability to giving into unethical temptations. At Harvard, we only want those that can rise above the fray and walk the straight-and-narrow".
A growing buzz of criticism has been aimed at Harvard, and the other schools, that the penalty of rejection is disproporationate to offense, including citing the schools for lacking better security of their records. Some have suggested that this incident offers the business schools a dynamic oppportunity, a 'teachable moment'.
Nelson dismissed the criticism.
"We have to draw a line in the sand - do we, as a university, want to put out into the community strong, ethical leaders, or criminals, who will use illegal tactics to gain their lot?
Rumors circulated that the applicants, from all the schools, were wisked away on a private jet to an undisclosed university that is known for having loose, or no guidelines at all, in their interview program, for interrogation.
All the business schools declined comment, citing their application process is private.
Iraq Parliament Holds First Session Amid Chaos
Hey, somebody wake up the janitor.
The Iraqi transitional national assembly, the first freely elected parliament in a half-century, held their first session yesterday, after a nearly 3-hour delay. The 275 members had to wait for over one-hour for someone to locate the custodian, to open the convention center.
Once in inside the heavily guarded building, additional delays followed as the assembly had to wait for the room to be set with chairs and desks. Members made impromtu and impassioned speeches while waiting and numerous scuffles broke out between Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis, mostly over petty loyalities and neighborhood differences.
At least 45 members were accompanied by goats and livestock, indicating they feared theft of their property while in session. This earned the vocal displeasure of a small group of other members.
Still another delay surfaced when members of the U.S. Coaltion insisted on hanging the Ten Commandments on the wall behind the dias. Heated words were heard and a comprise followed with the Koran being hung alongside the Commandments.
Nonetheless, President Bush, in a statement, cited the day as 'historic' and 'a bright moment'.
The only motion submitted and approved by unamious vote? Authorizing supplying the custodian with a cellphone
Top Ten Cloves: How President Bush Will Celebrate St. Patrick's Day
10. Cons Dick Cheney that it's a Vice Presidential tradition to go around all day in green face paint
9. Will have the U.S. Troops dye the Tigris River Lime Green
8. Forces the Secret Service tell him where the little nips of Jameson are hidden
7. What the hell … Fly the White House gang in Air Force One to Dublin for some real corned beef and cabbage
6. Make prank calls to Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams about not being invited to White House
5. Gets Donald Rumsfeld to do his Leprechaun-on-a-flagpole routine
4. Fills the Tidal Basin with Guinness Beer
3. Make prank calls to Tony Blair, disguising his voice to sound like Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams being pissed off about not being invited to White House
2. Scare the hell out of Ted Kennedy; Tells him, by Presidental Order, he's shutting down all the bars in D.C.
1. Stalks Condeleeza Rice all day with 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish'
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Wednesday 16 March 2005
Summer's Takes Vote In-Stride; Won't Resign
Cites Questions of Fraud and Asks for Recount from full Faculity
Embattled Harvard University President Lawrence H. Summers said yesterday's harsh 'No Confidence' vote from the Faculty of Arts and Sciences was not a problem, that he has no intentions of resigning and called for a recount, citing possible irrregularities with the voting.
Summers touched off a firestorm of controversy in January when he suggested in a speech, that women might not have the same ''intrinsic aptitude" in science as men.
In a statement to reporters, Summers dug in, offering he "absolutely is giving no thought to resigning" and basically took the 'No Confidence' vote in-stride, as "just another day at the office".
Summers intimated that he may seek a recount, hinting at possible irregularties in the voting. Only about a quarter of the eligible faculty took part in the voting. It was reported that Summers stated he'd "… like to see more of the male faculity take part in the voting process".
When asked if he would work with the faculty, and their recommendations, Summer's offered, offhandedly;
"Yeah … Sure ...I'll work with them … Whatever … "
Martha Slouching It Through House Arrest
Executives at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia are getting worried as it appears their icon is not quite ready to return to work.
Inside sources reveal that Martha Stewart has been sleeping until 11AM, spending the day on the sofa, in her bathrobe, snacking and watching soap opera's.
"The sink is filled with dirty dishes … She's up until 3AM or later and spending money like crazy, with all those home-shopping shows … She's taken up smoking again and she's putting on weight …"
Stewart is serving five-months of house arrests, to complete the sentence on her conviction of lying to federal prosecutors on her inside trading case with iClone stock. As a condition, Stewart must wear and ankle monitor and is allowed only 47-hours per-week outside of her home, submitting her schedule of activities in advance, to her probation officer.
It's said that work assignments are being missed, or are submitted, well-below the standard of excellance that Ms. Stewart is known for.
"It would appear the only thing Martha cooks with now is a microwave oven … We needed some recipes for the magazine … She sent in clippings, things she cut out of the newspaper … No information if she tested it or how to accent it … The oatmeal cookies? … It was clearly taken off the container …"
Youths Said To Be Emulating Govt Rendition Program
As reported by The Garlic (14 March, Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit), authorities have yielded some clues into two Stockton California youths' bloody rampage on corporate icons that has left the MSN Butterfly and Geico's Gecko in serious and guard conditions.
Sources close to the investigation have indicated that in early interrogations, the two teens were have to stated they were emulating the Bush Administration's Extraordinary Rendition program.
Neighbors and school mates were shocked by the arrest, and the brutality of the crimes. The two youths, ages 15 and 16, are from middle-class, Republican families and above-average students. Both are said to be involved in numerous schools activities and with a large circle of friends.
"Their computers and emails offered a lot of information", said one investigator. "There was a lot on the government's extraordinary rendition program … Websites that were bookmarked … News articles … And it appears they were emailing former Attorney General Ashcroft's office with suggestions and offers to volunteer …"
The Justice Department offered no comment as to any communications with the youths and are not part of the investigation, which is being directed by the Stockton Police and the FBI.
The quick action by authorities in apprehending the two suspects was timely, as found in one of the youth's computer's was a 'Hit List' of other corporate icons they had targeted. The list was not released to news outlets, but a police spokesperson did stated that those on the list were notified of the investigation, and, is a few cases, security protection was extended to them.
Investigators would neither confirms or deny if the Taco Bell puppy was a target. Reports circulated yesterday, that in public appearances, the Taco Bell puppy had three extra handlers and two pit bulldogs as part of his entourage.
Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Massive Fraud Court Case Isn't Going Your Way
9. The court stenographer is knitting
8. The judge keeps mispronouncing your name
7. Defense Exhibit A happens to be the same item as the Prosecution's Exhibit A
6. Only cameras in the room are the court's security system
5. During a sidebar, you hear the judge, the DA and your lawyer discuss the episode of Fat Actress that was on the night before
4. Your own lawyer keeps mispronouncing your name
3. Jury is watching Michael Jackson case on their cellphones
2. Bailiffs want to beat the traffic and ask if they can handcuff you right after lunch
1. Your name happens to be Bernie Ebbers
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Tuesday 15 March 2005
First Lady Heads Jingoism Festival
Jeep Owners Mandated To Learn Song
Believing that most Americans do not know the words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner', our national anthem, First Lady Laura Bush is out to teach them.
Mrs. Laura Bush is the Honorary Chairperson of the "National Anthem Project: Restoring America's Voice", an intiative of the MENC: National Association for Music Education and is being sponsored by Jeep.
The project kicked off last week (March 10th) and included performances from school age children and adults, as well as the Oak Ridge Boys and the 'President's Own' U.S. Marine Band. A larger concert is planned, with some six-million children, teachers and music supporters participating, performing American patriotic and popular songs and will be broadcast around the country on PBS, and the Armed Forces Network.
As to the national sponsorship by Jeep, Dieter Zetsche, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Chrysler Group offered;
"Few brands symbolize freedom and patriotism like the Jeep brand …"
The First Lady stated owning a Jeep " … was a fabulous way to see our great country …" and that all Jeep owners will be mandated to learn the song. She hopes her husband, President Bush, will write legislation that will extend this to all automobile owners.
As an element of their sponsorship, Jeep insisted on language in the contract that bars Rosanne Barr from singing the National Anthem at any Jeep-sponsored event.
Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal
of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids
Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934
General Mills anounced that they have come to terms with Major League Baseball to have their Wheaties, The Breakfast of Champions, become the 'Official Breakfast Cereal" of the league.
And, in a bombshell, an unprecidented break from tradition, for the first time since 1934, when Lou Gerhig appeared on the cereal box, Wheaties will feature a steroid pill and needle. It's unclear if the featured items are from Balco, or a generic brand of steroids.
Numerous baseball stars have endorsed the cereal, including Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lefty Grove, Mel Ott, Bob Feller, Ted Williams, Hank Greenberg, Stan Musial, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Pee Wee Reese, Warren Spahn, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Johnny Bench, Hank Aaron, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Joe Torre.
Additionally, of the 51 players selected for the 1939 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, 46 endorsed Wheaties. Wheaties also sponsored the first televised commercial sports broadcast on August 29, 1939, when NBC presented a Cincinnati Reds vs. Brooklyn Dodgers broadcast for some 500 television owners in New York City.
"We’re excited about the winning moments that our Wheaties - MLB partnership will bring" said Eric Lucas, Vice President of Marketing for General Mills’ Big G Cereals. "We've always featured the dominant star and this year, it is undoubtedly, steroids".
Lucas, as well as Tim Brosnan, Executive Vice President, Business, Major League Baseball, offered no comment on the impact of the upcoming Congressional hearings on steroids use in baseball and left the door open that a future Wheaties box could have a Congressman on it
Bush Appointment Has Mid-East Fearful With New Hughes Role
The Arab League stated a muted, and very cautious tone in reacting to the announcement of former Bush Aide Karen Hughes' new position of Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy. Hughes will be responsible for crafting Mid-East policies and changing the area's perceptions about the United States. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made the announcement yesterday.
Hughes, a former counselor to President Bush from 2000-2002, also had a major role in shaping Bush's domestic agenda, as well as having her imprint on a number of foreign policy initiatives. Hughes left the administration to move back to Texas.
Some Arab League members are skeptical about the appointment, speculating that there'll be a continuation of false or doctored intelligence and a new call of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the next country the Bush Administration chooses to invade.
There's even confusion if the appointment is true, or if it's an endeavor of the disinformation program started by Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld two-years ago.
'When America starts talking about planting the seeds of democracy", offered one Arab League official, "that's usually our sign to start building our bomb shelters".
Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell It's March Madness
10. You tell your wife you have a headache
9. Make rare visits to your clients, but only so you can join their office pools
8. It's the only time of year you can tolerate Dick Vitale
7. Same old tradition - Ball State loses in 1st Round and breaks your heart
6. You admit you have a crush on Greg Gumble
5. Proudly recall your days as a male cheerleader
4. You've watched so many games, the CBS logo is burned onto your cornea
3. Desperately searching iTunes for college fight songs
2. Final Four means three-days of brewski's!
1. Not only can you pronounce Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski's name, you can spell it!
Monday, March 14, 2005
Monday 14 March 2005
Disney Picks Iger but Eisner Says He Won't Go; Digging In For Fight
The Walt Disney Co. announced yesterday that President Robet Iger will succeed Micheal Eisner as its' Chief Executive, but, in a separate release, Eisner declared that he's not leaving.
A combative Eisner indicated "…they can't push me out…" and is taking steps to cement his post.
For month's, Eisner has been solidifying his Disney stock holdings and Eisner called for an emergency meeting of the Disney board to vote immediately on changing the name of the company to The Michael Eisner Co.
"I built Disney to what it is today", offered Eisner. "If it wasn't for me, that little (#X&&!) mouse would be chasing his tail - in black-and-white".
The appoinment of Iger, who's served as President for the past five-years, ends Eisner's stormy and tumultuous two-decade reign. It was scheduled for Eisner to depart next year and insiders are speculating that moving Iger in early is an attempt to block Eisner from seizing the company.
Under Eisner, Disney has grown to over 100,000 employees, has a global network of theme parks, the vaunted Disney film library and expanded into televison, gobbling up ESPN and the ABC Network.
There's also been its' share of chaos as the doings and bombast of Eisner have become Hollywood legend, including the very public spat with Roy Disney, brother of founder Walt, and with the particularly revealing and embarassing lawsuit over the hiring and firing of former Disney President, Michael Ovitz.
Unconfirmed reports have Eisner rushing into production, remakes of the Disney classics, 'Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs' and 'Sleeping Beauty', with the dwarves and the Prince being drawn in Eisner's likeness.
Additionally, ABC will launch a news and entertainment magzine show, devoted soley to Eisner's work and career. Reportedly, ABC executives are deriding the project as 'Must Like Mike TV'.
"This (#X&&!) kid is staying in the (#X&&!) picture", boasted Eisner.
Rose Cashes In On Steroid Scandel
ESPN is reporting that former Cincinnati Red's great Pete Rose, baseball's exiled hero, is said to have cashed in for millions, on a bet that the steroid scandal would surface before the 2005 season and players and management would be called before Congress to testify.
Rose, banned from baseball for betting on games, including his own team when he managed the Reds, placed the bet four years ago at an undisclosed Las Vegas casino. Odds were given on when the steroid scandal would break and Rose took the extra step of adding on the rider, at 5-1 odds, as to the call before Congress.
One source with knowledge of the bet indicated that Rose "laid down a lot of green".
Rose, and Major League Baseball officials could not be reached for comment.
Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit
MSN Butterfly, Geiko Tortured; Had Long List of Targets
Local and federal authorities have taken into custody two Stockton, California teenagers, after what reports indicate, a murdureous rampage against corporate icons.
Microsoft's MSN Butterfly, and Geico's Geiko were brutally attacked and tortured, according to police. And, found on one of the juvenilles' computer was a long list of other targets the youths were alledgedly going after. The names of the youths, or their alledged targets were not released, as the FBI indicated it is still an active crime scene and investigation.
Microsoft released a statement, indicating only that the MSN Butterfly was in "serious and guarded condition". Geico refused comment and unconfirmed reports have that the geiko died after furious life-saving measures were taken. Once source indicated that it appeared the geiko's natural camouflage abilities failed him during the attack.
Little is known about the two teens, or why they launched what authorities describe as 'brutal and heinous acts' against innocent icons.
A local Stockton newspaper is reporting on their website that as one of the youths was being taken into police headquarters for questioning, he shouted to the throng of media;
"They kept asking us where we wanted to go today … So, we showed'em …"
Top Ten Cloves: Excuses Baseball Will Use To Avoid Testifying To Congress
9. Demanding waiver to play Fungo in Capital Rotunda
8. Need more time to see how they can spin this into something the fans will pay money for
7. Waiting to hear back from Congress if Curt Schilling can wear his bloody sock at hearings
6. Threaten to counter and call their own hearings on Ted Kennedy's drinking
5. Negotiating that, in middle of hearings, panel will get up and do The Wave
4. Trying to line-up Alex Rodriguez to run through Congress and knock papers out of Chairman's hands
3. Hey, did you know that congressman can get into any Major League Baseball game for free?
2. Lobbying President Bush to add to bill Private Steroid Accounts
1. Players can't sit for long periods; Asses hurt from getting steroid shots
