Retro Garlic: Life Imitating The Garlic - U.S. Military Will Offer Path to Citizenship

Oh boy, do we love when this happens.

Numerous times, life and The Garlic have merged (you can look HERE and HERE).

Today, we have another Retro Garlic.

Actually, it should be a Retro-Retro Garlic, as we have riffed on this very topic previously.

Last night, we espied this headline;

U.S. Military Will Offer Path to Citizenship

Stretched thin in Afghanistan and Iraq, the American military will begin recruiting skilled immigrants who are living in this country with temporary visas, offering them the chance to become United States citizens in as little as six months.

We weren't sure if that strange sound we heard, simultaneously, was that of Lou Dobb's head exploding, or the Right Wing Freak Show running for their torches and pitchforks, which will surely be likely to occur.

I mean, what are they going to do with all that pent-up xenophobia and jingoism?

First they take our jobs, our seats in schools and clog up our hospitals, now they want to take over the military?

What will become of the Arizona Minutemen?... The thousands-of-miles wall?



Who wants the American dream, sprinkled with a little picante?

2012 and the Rule of Sarah can't come fast enough, heh?

More from the NYT article;

“The Army will gain in its strength in human capital,” General Freakley said, “and the immigrants will gain their citizenship and get on a ramp to the American dream.”

[Snip]

Pentagon officials expect that the lure of accelerated citizenship will be powerful. Under a statute invoked in 2002 by the Bush administration, immigrants who serve in the military can apply to become citizens on the first day of active service, and they can take the oath in as little as six months.

For foreigners who come to work or study in the United States on temporary visas, the path to citizenship is uncertain and at best agonizingly long, often lasting more than a decade. The military also waives naturalization fees, which are at least $675.

To enlist, temporary immigrants will have to prove that they have lived in the United States for two years and have not been out of the country for longer than 90 days during that time. They will have to pass an English test.

The Retro Part, from April 2006 ...

“They’re coming here for the American experience” ... Rumsfeld Weighs In On Immigration Battle; Won’t Tie It To War With Iran ... Suggests Army Recruiting Woes Could Be Solved With Mandatory Service By Illegal Aliens

In a freewheeling exchange with reporters this afternoon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld suggested that “a stint in the Army” would solve the immigration problem facing the country.

[Snip]

Asked a follow-up question, Rumsfeld said flatly, “Conscripts,”

“We simply make it a policy, if you want to enter this country, or, if we find out you’ve entered illegally, you serve a stretch in the Army, or go back to whatever village or bungalow you came from.”

[Snip]

“They’re coming here for the American experience”

‘That’s absurd,” Rumsfeld squinted. ““They’ll get three-squares-a-day and it pays a helluva lot better then picking lettuce, or grapes, or whatever it is they do ...”

“I mean,” added the Secretary, “they’re coming here for the American experience ... the American Dream ... What could possibly embody that more than by serving in your country’s armed forces?”

Asked if he, or the Pentagon, would make special accommodations for such illegal immigrants to enter the military, such as bi-lingual instructions, or the need for interpreters, Rumsfeld glared at the reporter.

“Now think about that for a second,” Rumsfeld shot back, dripping with disdain. “In the heat of battle, you, or some other bleeding-heart liberal, is going to expect the U.S. Army to issue dictionaries, with bullets flying overhead, and bombs bursting in front of you, so the commander of the unit can issue orders in two languages? What planet are you from?”

Rumsfeld said he would expect any such conscript to learn English, before they get to boot camp.

“I suspect a great many of them already speak English. The busboy at the restaurant I like to go to knows all the television shows ... the sports scores. Sure, he has an accent, but he speaks English fine.”

We can't say "we wished we made this stuff up."

We did.

Bonus Immigration Riffs

Bush Immigration Plan Gets "Some Influence" ... White House May Employ Lincoln Group In Border, Immigration Clash ...Unlike Iraqi Program, PR Firm Will Plant Anti-American Stories in Mexican Media

Top Ten Cloves: Problems The Illegal Immigrant Boycott Caused The White House Yesterday

Breaking News - Congress Said Will “Clean President’s Clock” On Immigration ... Bush Adds Color-Coded Border Alert Chart To Immigration Plan ...Neocons Upset With Shift In White House Strategy: Speech Offered No “Ties To Sadam ... Imminent Mushroom Clouds”

Ahmadinejad “Sort Of An Islamic Lyndon LaRouche”; Said To Have Made Offer To Mexico ...Ahmadinejad Claims Letter A Hoax, Cites Propaganda, Prelude To U.S. Invasion ...Other World Leaders Received Similar Tomes; Mexico Offered Iran National Guard Deployed on Their Side of Border