Garlic Special: A George Bush Dream - The Victory

In a new series, The Garlic will, occasionally, take a look (and liberty) with the somnolent state of our Court-Appointed President.

A George Bush Dream - The Victory

The late cover of darkness clung to the spread of Crawford in the short time before the first rays of the sun would soon expose the clumps of sagebrush yet to be cleared by George Jr.

Racing down the hallway, with bundles of newspapers under their arms, were the panting Chief of Staff Josh Bolten and Deputy White House Press Secretary Scott Stanzel. After the obligatory tap, Bolten threw open the door of the Presidential bedroom and rushed in, nearly knocking over the tower of Ek-A-Lec-Tic books stacked next to the Chief Decider’s bed.

Rubbing his eyes and yawning, the President asked, half-angry, half still in a sweet state of sleep “What is it Josh?”

“This, Mr. President,” as he and Stanzel tossed their load of newspapers, save one, on the President’s bed, causing the First Lady to stir.

“You won sir,” gushed Bolten.

The President, now gaining for what passes as his consciousness, pulled himself up on one elbow, his eye catching a glimpse of one papers’ headline;

Saddam Hangs, Bush Vindicated

The first jolt of glee surfed through the President, as his hand pushed one paper away to reveal another headline;

Insurgents Throw Down Arms; Iraqis Unite Following Saddam Hanging

Now fully awake, and with a buzz he hasn’t felts since he gave that impromptu backrub to Angela Merkel, he tore through the newspapers in a frenzy, a kaleidoscope of blurred headlines and sidebars;

Neocon Strategy Wins Out In End ... Bush, Cheney Immediately Nominated For Special Nobel Peace Prize ... As Thanks, OPEC Drops Price Of Barrel Below $15 ... Fitzgerald Submits Motion To Dismiss Libby Charges ... With Iraq Success, Bush Library To Top $1-Billion...

As the President gasped and chortled with each headline, Bolten grabbed the remote control and tuned into CNN. A reporter spoke on screen, as a banner flashed below: Osama bin Laden Signals End ... Will Turn Himself Over To U.S. Authorities in Pakistan

Bolten then turned to the President, reaching out with the last newspaper.

“And now, Mr. President, the final golden step to your full, rich legacy, The New York Times.

Blazed across the entire top fold of the newspaper, in red, white and blue ink - BUSH WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG

With near tears in his eyes, the President smiled broadly as he held up the newspaper, before ... before ...

“George ... George,” First Lady Laura Bush whispered sharply, shaking the shoulder of the President.

“George,” she said again. “Time to get up ... Time to go to work ...”

The President opened his eyes with a jarring snap. No newspapers. No CNN.

“C’mon George, get up,” the First Lady demanded, with a nudge to the President ribs.

He slowly swung his legs out and on to the floor, sitting on the edge collecting himself.

Pulling the covers up and turning over to steal a few more moments of slumber, the First Lady called out again.

“And George, do something today, will you ... Make a decision ... Just make it ... I’m getting tired of being pummeled with questions about it ... Just announce the darn strategy, will you please?”

Twas The Night Before The New Congress

Editors Note: Our regular Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves is being replaced today with a Garlic Special, to commemorate the Christmas Holiday. What else could that be but to take a classic, tweak it and ... Well, we’ll let you decide ...

Have a very Merry Christmas!

Garlic Special: Twas The Night Before The New Congress

Twas the night before the New Congress, when all through the White House
Not a Neocon was stirring, not even the Decider-in-Chief, that louse
The plans to attack Iran were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that William Kristol would soon give a cheer

The Joint Chiefs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of surges danced in their heads.
And Laura in ‘kerchief, bemoaning Condi’s being mateless,
And I, plotting and scheming to avoid the press

When out in the Rose Garden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew off my butt,
Tore open the shutters while thinking a new tax cut

The moon on the breast of the climate-warmed snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature Congress, and all Democrats, I fear

So lively and quick, was a big ol’ Bertha
I knew in a moment it must be John Murtha.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Nancy! Now, Harry! Now, Levin and Hoyer!
On, Connors! On, Waxman! On, Biden and their lawyer!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the Hurricane Katrina fly,
When they meet with a Signing Statement, alas, could only cry.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Subpoenas, one for Cheney too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The boasting they had a handful of proof
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Big Murtha came with a bound

He had the look of grrr, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with lies and soot.
A bundle of Subpoenas he had flung on his back
And he looked like a prosecutor going after DeLay’s PAC

His eyes were on the WMD’s and how it was a slam dunk
And the intelligence and Niger and all the other junk
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
Now that my public opinion ratings are ever so low

The copy of the Constitution he held tight in his teeth,
Its clear law encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a serious face showing it was all biz
That shook and laughed when I countered I have the Math Whiz

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old Rep,
And I laughed when I saw him, as he explained my misstep
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, with warrants from the House Clerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He warned not a CIA Agent should get exposed!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"God Bless America, everyone knows we are right!"

A Tip-of-the-Hat to Carols.org

A sleigh, full of subpoenas, is heading their way

Garlic Christmas Special - David Sedaris Christmas Letter

Yes, it is that time of year, where all your hip friends will be introducing you to David Sedaris, and his Christmas essays, ‘Holiday On Ice’ (or, if they are true hipsters, they’ll be giving you his ‘Barrel Fever’).

Now, in an overwhelming number of circumstances, you’ll be directed to Sedaris’s “Santaland Diaries”, the recounting of his working as an elf at Macy’s.

While extremely funny in it's own right, the killer, fall-down-pee-your-pants-laughing is his other essay, 'Seasons Greetings To Our Friends and Family!!!' … The Dunbar's Christmas letter …

Well, lucky for us, as This American Life, on their website, has a reading of Sedaris’s work, in a stage production titled ‘A Very Special Sedaris Christmas’ including The Dunbar Christmas Letter (which begins, read by Julia Sweeney, at approximately 14:55 and runs for approximately 18-minutes).

If you choose to read the essay, do it in the privacy of your own home. Attempting to read it at Starbucks or on the bus, you’ll end up annoying those around you, as every few seconds, you’ll be bursting out in uncontrollable laughter.

Oh yeah, it will definitely give you a different perspective on any Christmas letter you receive from family and friends.

Season’s Greetings!

Links

‘A Very Special Sedaris Christmas’

David Sedaris

This American Life

Garlic Special - The Sounds of Christmas

To get into the swing of the season, The Garlic took a very informal survey of what people were listening to, in regards to Christmas Music.

We can trust that Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly is blasting it 24/7 but who else was out there groovin’ to the Sounds of the Season.

Here’s a brief sampling;

President Bush - Go Where I Send Thee

Mary Cheney - I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm

Donald Rumsfeld - Little Drummer Boy

Condoleezza Rice - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Judith Regan - I’ll Be Home For Christmas

KKK, David Duke, Michael Richards - White Christmas

Medellin Cocaine Cartel - Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Al Qaeda - Sleigh Ride

Existentialists - What Is Santa Claus? (Stan Kenton version)

Emmanuelle - O Come O Come Emmanuel

Eddie Murphy - What Child Is This

Former Wal-Mart VP of Marketing Communications Julie Roehm - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Former Sectary of the Interior Gale Norton - O Tannenbaum

(We Wanna See) Santa Do the Mambo

Garlic Special - New Bush Theme Song - Nature Bush

In The Garlic’s ongoing quest, to keep our Court-Appointed-President bathed in theme music, we found ourselves humming the Nat King Cole gem, ‘Nature Boy’ most of the day. The plaintive tone of the tune seemed most appropriate for The Decider as he charts a New Way Forward.

Hence, we offer ...

Nature Bush

There was a Bush
A very strange Executive Powered Bush
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little smug and mad of eye
But Stay The Course was he

And then one day
A magic day the ISG passed his way
And while they spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This they said to Bush
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to leave and have the troops return"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to leave and have the troops return"

Links

Nat King Cole

Nature Boy

Listen To A Clip of Nature Boy

The Nat King Cole Society

Nat King Cole’s Albums

Scroll Down The Right Sidebar To Check Out Other Songs ... On The Garlic

Garlic Special - New Pentagon Theme Song

Well, it seems that we have a military-diplomacy Three Card Monte situation in the making, attempting to solve the Iraq Situation.

There is, of course the Iraq Study Group, led by Big Daddy’s man, James Baker.

Then, last week, the Decider himself announced the White House, itself, would review policy options, separate from those of Big Daddy Baker’s group. And related, there’s The Garlic’s scoop on VP Cheney going off on his own, full speed ahead, with his own study group.

Now we have the Pentagon coming out and jumping on the study group merry-go-round, with not one, not two, but three options - "Go Big," "Go Long" and "Go Home."

As soon as The Garlic saw this, well, the cords and melody of a theme song for the stodgy, button-downed Pentagon filled the air.

Think Mel Torme and the tune “Too Close For Comfort”

Go Big, Go Long, Go Home, my troops
Don't upset Baker’s groups when he's so close
Be soft, be sweet, but be discreet
Don't go off your feet, he's so close for comfort

Too close, too close for comfort, please, not again
Too close, too close to know just when to say "Leave Iraq"

Go Big, Go Long, Go Home, beware
On your guard, take care, while there's such temptation

One thing leads to another
Too late to hide from The Father
He's much too close for comfort now

[Instrumental]

Too close, too close for comfort, please, not again
Too close, too close to know just when to say "Leave Iraq"

Go Big, Go Long, Go Home, beware
On your guard, take care, while there's such temptation

One thing leads to another
Too late to hide from The Father
He's much too close for comfort now

Too close, much too close
He's much too close for comfort now





















Mel Torme, The Velvet Fog, while having a monster career as a jazz vocalist, is equally famous for penning the now classic, and ubiquitous, tune, ‘The Christmas Song’, made popular by another legendary singer, Nat King Cole