Groundhog Lied; Investigation Launched
With more snow and unseasonable cold forcast for much of the North and Northeast through the weekend, officials in Punxsutawney, PA are launchiing an investigation and, embarassingly, may have to announce a longer winter.
Charges have been made that Punxsutawney Phil, the infamous prognosticating marmot, didn't see his shadow, but the shadow of one of his handlers, or other revelers this past February 1st, otherwise known as Groundhog Day.
So says Elmer Johnson, 59, a long-time critic of the 119-year-old festival that has a groundhog, fondly known as Punxsutawney Phil, being pulled out of a hutch and declaring the length of winter left based on whether he sees his shadow. Thousands flock to this small Pennsylvania burg in what has become a major media event, including a popular 1993 movie starring Bill Murray.
"No way that rodent saw his own shadow" declared Johnson, an unempolyed electrician. "His eyes were closed … Maybe he peeked but with so many people around, there's no way you could tell who's shadow it was".
Johnson claims to have evidence, saying he taped the entire program, both at his home on a VCR and, as part of the throng with his cellphone camera.
Town officials were stunned by the allegations and in a terse statement, indicated they will investigate Johnson's charges.
"Besides", Johnson stated, "it's a rodent ... I mean, all you have to do is look at a calendar to figure out how much winter is left … What's next - we going to have a dog determine how hot a summer we're going to have?
Jackson Family In Deal To Launch New Wine
Regardless of their son's trial outcome, and, in part, to help pay his skyrocketing legal fees, the family of Michael Jackson has signed a deal with an undisclosed vineyard to launch Jesus Juice.
A family spokesperson indicated Jesus Juice, a Merlot and a Chardonney, will be hitting the shelves by summer, and will be available in both corked bottes and pop-open cans. There are no plans at this time to use Michael Jackson, or his image in the marketing campaign and no decision has been reached yet if Michael's sister, Janet Jackson, will be involved.
According to the spokesperson, Jesus Juice, has done remarkably well in focus groups and random, blind taste tests. Even the concept of offering Jesus Juice in a can has won praise. Scores in the tests noted that people responded it would be easier to pack in coolers, or carry in a handbag or pocket.
When asked about having this product associate with the sorrid allegations brought out in the trial, the spokesperson offered;
'C'mon man, it's Jesus Juice …"
Friday, March 11, 2005
Friday 11 March 2005
Top Ten Cloves: Why You Don't Want To Become A Fat Actress
9. Congress might subpeona you about steroid use
8. You'll get stuck doing Pier One and Christmas Tree Shop commercials
7. Governor Schwarzenegger will ridicule you, using you as a example in his Junk Food campaign
6. Producers of Fat Albert will hound you to do the sequel
5. Actor pals will snicker behind your back - Million-Pound Baby
4. Because of your size, people will think you won the Los Angeles Mayor race
3. President Bush will make you start two Private Retirement Accounts
2. Two words of caution - Freeway and Weigh-Stations
1. Blame weight gain on nerves; You, along with Russell Crowe, were a terrorist target
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Thursday 10 March 2005
Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Team Prepares Call For New Axis of Evil Member
The Garlic has learned that the Bush Administration is putting together a Request For Proposal (RFP) to sollict a new country to join the Axis of Evil. The proposal is said to be in the final stages and may be released as early as next week.
With the seemingly successful transition to freedom and democracy, Iraq will soon be de-listed from the Axis of Evil, leaving the vacany that the administration would like to see filled at the earliest. With new budgets to be drawn, and alarming, fear-inducing rhetoric to be written, the administration is uncomfortable leaving a hole of this size open for too long.
Along with Iraq, North Korea and Iran are the other two members.
One source close to talks speculated on who may join the Axis of Evil.
"There's not a lot of good candidates out there … One's that would qualify … We can rule out the Sudan, they're too busy … Russia is signaling that they may like to bring back the Cold War … Syria is making some noise but a number of committee member feel they're dragging their feet on the pullout as a way to neogiate some better terms …"
The source indicated that newly appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte has been dispatched to Central and South America, to meet with old contacts and gage interest on having a Latin country join the Axis.
'The administration would love to have a Spanish-speaking country in the Axis. That would open the door to tie it in with the right-wing Cubans in Florida … Maybe some back-door subsidies …"
Some of the conditions of the proposal were leaked to The Garlic. They include;
- Having a large square or central meeting place and the ability to mobilize 100,000+ citizens to it and chant anti-American slogans
- A televison network (state-run or private) that can promote your Axis of Evil qualities and rail against the United States
- Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or Nuclear Weapons.
There is a rider on having Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or the Nuclear Weapons. This new Axis of Evil member wouldn't actually have to have them, but they will need to sign on that they will say they have them.
The RFP will direct countries interested in joining the Axis to a special CIA website, where the can download the RFP in pdf format and, if they act within a certain period of time, there are some extra's they can take advantage of.
One is the State Deparment will produce a custom video or DVD for the new Axis member, of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld disparaging them as a rogue nation and laying out a possible plan of invasion, for their internal use only.
There's a second pacakge, for a large fee, that includes the video, and also, that Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice will go to the United Nations, detail their Weapons of Mass Destruction, and set a deadline, that will ignore the United Nations Security Council, for invasion.
The proposal has been approved by Britian's Tony Blair and a number of other members of the European Union, though it's unclear if the French are behind it.
"The President", offered the source, "is inclined to forgo the process and just place France in the Axis … It wouldn't take much to get him slamming Chirac …"
Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent
In winning the ruling last week that three blogs must disclose their sources on articles they published with details, in advance of its' release, about Apple's new Mini iPod, CEO Steve Jobs has mapped out an extensive campaign to squash all rumors, criticism and dissent against Apple.
Critics of the plan, some inside Apple, suggest that Jobs is modeling Apple in the image of rival Microsoft.
With tremendous cashflow coming from iTunes and iPods sales, Jobs has put an unprecidented number of lawyers on retainer - some with specific First Admendment backgrounds - and is targeting all major media, blogs, community newsletters and personal emails.
Apple will also set up a special hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products.
Changes will be coming with iTunes as well. The purchase price will remain at .99, for those willing to sign a contract that they will not badmouth Apple. Otherwise, the purchase of a tune will cost $99 and Apple will create a dossier on that purchaser and monitor there actions and communications.
Ipods will now be outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. If any of these keywords are used, the iPod shuts down, and sends a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the iPod owner with a lawsuit.
Editor's Note: As we filed and posted this story, The Garlic was served papers, demanding we disclose who inside Apple suggested that Apple is becoming like Microsoft.
Top Ten Cloves: Signs That Congress Is On Steroids
9. You have to wrestle the Sergeant at Arms to get onto the floor
8. Rep. Wally Herger: Last Year - Wrote 3 Bills; This Year - 25 Bills
7. Instead of Tax Cuts, Congress now only interested in huge USDA Choice cuts of meat
6. House Armed Services Committee now armed-to-the-teeth
5. Sen. John McCain ripped Lincoln out of his chair at the memorial and put chair in his office
4. Sen. Ted Stevens proposing legislation for more nudity on television
3. New sub-committee - Ways and Means of getting Balco Steroids
2. Replaced filibusters with Cage of Steel Death Matches
1. Sen. Bill Frist was caught giving Sen. Trent Lott a shot in the ass
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Wednesday 9 March 2005
Red Sox Sue Colorado Town Over Frozen Body Rights
The small town of Nederland, Colorado, about 35-miles outside of Boulder, have been served 'Cease-and-Desist' papers from the World Champion Boston Red Sox, over their Frozen Dead Guy Festival.
Trygve Bauge froze the body of his grandfather, "Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel, in 1989, on the hope of someday reviving or cloning him. In 2002, as an effort to increase tourism, the town of Nederland began celebrating Frozen Dead Guy Days.
The Red Sox charge that this is an infringement on their trademark, intellectual and property rights. Since the death of former star, Ted Williams, the last major league player to bat .400, in July of 2002, the Red Sox say they own the rights to Frozen Dead Guy. William's has been cryogenically perserved at a facility in Arizona.
Bauge could not be reached and it's unclear if "Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel played baseball, or batted over .400.
Boeing Exec Tried To Start Runway Club
Sources to The Garlic have found that former Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, forced out on Monday for ethics violations by the Boeing board for a consensual affair he conducted with another Boeing executive, was out to establish 'The Runway Club'.
Long the legend in the airline business, the Mile High Club, claims hundreds-of-scores of members, those who conducted affairs on aircrafts while flying.
Stonecipher, a long-time airline industry member, first with McDonnell Douglas, believed that those in the airline industry who didn't fly, who worked on the ground, deserved a club. Though unconfirmed, membership in the 'Runway Club' is said to dwarf the numbers of the Mile High Club.
Boeing officials would neither confirm or deny the existence of the Runway Club.
Stonecipher said that he is proud of his work and intends to stay as a member in the Runway Club.
Study Shows Clams Not Happy At All
In a report released today, from a joint study by Harvard University and the Cape Cod Oceanic Institute, a long-held belief was dispelled - Clams are not happy at all.
The study, conducted over three years, from 2001-2004, covered a wide variety of clams, hard and soft shell, from both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, as well as Chesapeake Bay. The bivalves studied include Geoduck, Quahog, Razor, Steamer, Surf, Butter, Pismo.
Researchers offered that clams scooped from beds in deep waters, versus those clams forced to live low-tide sands, had a better dispostion, but not what one would call 'happy'. In monitoring their behavior and movements, reseachers believe that most clams have a sense that they will end up as someone's dinner - be it other species of fish, or in a pot at a traditional clam bake.
Top Ten Cloves: Dan Rather's Final Anchor Broadcast
9. Looking overweight; Says he has guest spot lined up on Fat Actress
8. A simple 'Goodbye'; Camera follows him out of building and watches as he gets in spaceship and takes off
7. Bewildered; Extreme Makeover came in and redesigned set for a new CBS Reality show in the works
6. Flashes 800 Number at bottom of screen and say he's taking bets on the Michael Jackson case
5. Arm wrestles Mike Wallace
4. Looking buff, will announce has been taking steroids and has try out with Chicago Cubs
3. Will spend the entire 30-minutes defending that he had the Bush National Guard story straight
2. Flashes 900 Number at bottom of screen for new job: Psychic Dan Hotline
1. Irony - Will go retro and deliver the news as Grandfather Clock
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Tuesday 8 March 2005
Despite Hype, Martha's First Day 'Pretty Average'
Aside for the intense media present, and a brief photo op, Martha Stewart's first day back at work was a routine day, as with any new employee.
According to officials at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Martha received no special treatment.
Stewart was not yet wearing her monitoring ankle bracelet and officials dismissed concerns that the bracelet may cause disruption to some of the company's technolgy and wireless equipment, including cellphones.
Stewart reported to Human Resources, filled out the application and insurance forms and then attended a 2-hour company orientation, a 30-minute 401K seminar and a 1-hour training on the company's telephone and computer systems. As with all employees, Stewart receives two 15-minute breaks and is alloted one-hour for lunch and was shown how to use the Time Card Machine.
This was followed with being taken to lunch and meeting some of the other company officials she will be working with.
Stewart then spent the afternoon at her post, and with assistance from administrators and assistants, worked on getting familiar with her new tasks.
Hawk and Weapons Expert Get's Bush Nod for U.N. Post.
President Bush, yesterday, displayed his commitment to finding Weapons of Mass Destruction with his choice of John R. Bolton to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.
Bolton has been a blunt critic of the U.N and international diplomacy overall, with his views closely in line with Cabinet members Vice President Dick Cheney, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina was once Bolton's mentor.
Bolton offered in a brief interview, that unlike former Secretary of State Colin Powell, he would have no qualms with presenting to the United Nations false, doctored or otherwise shoddy intelligence if it offered the chance to invade another country.
Administration officials declared that the choice of Bolton demonstrates the President's "strong commitment to finding Weapons of Mass Destruction - in Iraq, Iran, North Korea, or wherever they may be".
Yahoo Considers Internet Telephone Service
Search and portal giant, Yahoo, is entering the internet telephone business with a VoIP offering, sources close to The Garlic discovered. VoIP (voice over Internet Protocol) is a fast-growing technology, allowing users to make and receive telephone calls via their computers.
The plan calls for the traditional ring to be replaced with Yahoo's trademark, 'Yaaaahooooo' when an incoming call comes in. Additionally, ads may appear during your conversation, incoming or outgoing, based on the content of your conversation, or simply by the number your dialed. Another feature allows you to make a direct call, or you can do a random call, based on the results of the search, via Yahoo's search portal.
Yahoo officials declined comment.
Top Ten Cloves: How Howard Stringer Will Revive Sony
9. Build up Asian market. Add program to Playstation so players can order sushi
8. Call in favor to Letterman. Place Sony logo on desk
7. Good timing - Dan Rather's looking for work, see if there's a post for him
6. Note: Can't spend time at doctor's; Call contractor to enlarge doorways
5. Develop TV Reality show - Westerner takes over Japanese company; Go heavy with Saki and Karaoke segments
4. Instruct all Japanese employees to stop bowing - Unproductive - time better spent working
3. Throw in some extra footage and re-release all Sony Picture films as 'Director Cuts
2. Call in favor to Toby Maguire: Must dress as Spiderman 24/7/365
1. Say sayonara to Vaio and Hello to sPod
Monday, March 07, 2005
Monday 7 March 2005
Rumsfeld Defends Shooting Italians
In a candid press conference, in which he interviewed himself, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the shooting of the Italian diplomat this past weekend.
"Hostage rescuing isn't pretty", stated Rumsfeld.
"Given the situation, I wouldn't go racing around in the middle of the night - in the middle of a war zone - with my lights out and a rescued hostage in the back seat? … I wouldn't defy an order to stop with a gun pointed at me? … Would I even be in Iraq in the first place?
"I mean, would I make sure my auto had armor? Would I have a ceritifed, qualified driver?
"Did the Italian shoot first? …Were the Italians yelling and hooping it up the way those people like to celebrate? … These are the type of questions we need to find the answers to before we go jumping off bridges, saying the American's did this, or the American's did that … "
"It's a terrible, terrible, thing … This … War business …It's an untidy business".
Rumsfeld went on, blaming the Italians for extending World War II and saying, squintingly " …. I just couldn't believe … couldn't fathom … how they lost to South Korea in the 1966 World Cup … Unbelieveable …It would be like … as if Sadam's rag-tag army beat us"
Syrian Pullout Hinges on Moving Van Backlog
In a telephone call yesterday, Syrian President Bashar Assad of Syria assured U.S. President Bush that he was working on an early withdrawal from Lebanon, but was facing a crisis of a lack of moving vans.
"It's been terrible", Assad told a group of reporters. "Benkins, Allied, United Vans … They're pricing is outrageous … And, I hear they are not very careful with the things they move - and you know what it's like filing a claim with a moving company"
"Plus, we have the Gaza Strip thing going on and they're telling me they have a lot of reservations for their vans … In another month, we have the students moving out, going home for the summer …"
When it was suggested that Syria move itself out of Lebanon, Assad offered that wouldn't be as easy as it sounds.
Assad indicated that many of the small trucks and vans they have are outfitted for war, with gun mounts and grenade launchers, so they could only move small things "dishes, glasses, odds-and-ends".
"We'd have to bring in the supplies, you know … the boxes … the bubblewrap … We lost the only Mailbox Etc. back in the '86 bombing … UPS has promised to open a store here but hasn't done so yet … I guess we'll have to go on eBay and see what we can come up with …"
Top Ten Cloves: Signs The Government Is Screwing with Your Private Retirement Account
9. Strongly suggests you start working on Saturdays to help build the account up
8. Sends Governor Schwarzenegger to your house to "collect" the interest
7. You discover Speaker of House Dennis Hastert is charging his meals at swank restaurant to your account
6. No Monthly Statement; You get voicemails from Secretary of Treasury John Snow laughing at you
5. Instead of nest egg, government promises you special chocolate egg with Presidential Seal on it
4. You get signed photo in mail of special Congressional junket to Aruba, thanking you for letting them use your Frequent Flyer Milage
3. Threatens to put you and your family in the Extraordinary Rendition program unless you start saving more
2. Sets your Personal Retirement Age at 86
1. You get email from Nigerian Prince offering to help you to get your money
Friday, March 04, 2005
Friday 4 March 2005
Shortly after his landing yesterday, from his world-record solo flight of around-the-world without refueling, millionaire Steve Fossett was greated with champagne and marching bands. And two federal marshalls, who arrested Fossstt on security violations.
Homeland Security officials have charged Fossett with numerous infractions, including bypassing security screenings for himself and his luggage, carrying a knife, boxcutter, cigarette lighter and other sharp tools, ignoring flight rules and 'Fasten Seat Belt' signs, excessive drinking and unconfirmed reports of smoking on a No Smoking flight.
Officials are reviewing film and video of Fossett's flight for possible additional charges.
Late last night, Virgin Air founder Richard Branson, sponsor of Fossett's flight, posted bail for Fossett and both left without comment.
Charity Raises $650G For New Monkey Name
An online auction, run by Charity Folks in New York, to benefit a South American habitat, raised nearly $650,000 for the rights to name a new species of the titi monkey.
The winning bidder remained annoymous in the online event, that included TV host Ellen DeGeneres participating in the bidding
The International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature will oversee the naming process, as rules are in place for the integrity of a unique and scientifically-accepted name.
Early reports have the new species being named 'Bernie Ebbers', 'Paris Hilton', 'Pauly Shore' or 'Jeff Gannon'. Both the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature and Charity Folks decline confirmation or comment
Top Ten Cloves: Things Bill Gates Will Do With His Knighthood
9. New screensavers of Queen Elizabeth sitting on flying toasters
8. All searches on MSN must be addressed with 'Sire'
7. Declare the Microsoft campus in Redmond Extradition-Free and offer Safe Haven to Martha Stewart
6. Have his developers figure out how to put Longhorn features into suit of armor
5. Digitize the clock in the Tower of London
4. Forcast increase in sales; Issue order all Britians must purchase Microsoft products
3. File motions to dismiss remaining lawsuits against Microsoft, claiming Diplomatic Immunity
2. Fund for Great Britian a plan to invade and take back all the old British colonies
1. Develop new game for Xbox staring himself - and he always wins!
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Thursday 3 March 2005
Volkswagan Halts Call For Drivers
Citing strong sales, and concern over the driving habits of some of it's customers, Volkswagan is ending it's call for 'Drivers Wanted'.
Since the re-introduction of its' Beattle model, as well as the popular Jetta, Golf and the new Touareg models, Volkwagan sales have soared. Volkswagen's call for 'Drivers Wanted' has brought a hodge-podge of drivers into the Volkswagen family
In a statement released today, Dr. Bernd Pischetsrieder, CEO of Volkswagan, cited that "Volkswagan has all the drivers it needs" and has directed the world-wide divisions to stop calling for more 'Drivers Wanted'.
Sources indicated that Dr. Pischetsrieder was particularly distressed at learning of some of the driving habits of Volkswagan owners and has asked his staff to develop a program where Volkswagan could attract better drivers.
Third of Americans Unaware of New Month
A new USAToday/CNN poll offers that 37% of Americans are unaware that February has ended and March has begun.
In a wide, cross-country sampling, the poll yielded, overall, that 58% of the country hasn't turned their calendars from February to March, 24% still have January showing as the current month, and 3% still write 2004 in their correspondence or on checks.
Additional information from the poll showed that 18% of respondents have 'Joke-of-the-Day' calendars, and 15% have 'This-Day-In-History Calendars. Only 3% of the respondents admitted to still having 'Garlfield' desk calendars.
Stunning Gaffe By Queen Has England in Uproar
By all accounts, it was a stunningly bad day for Buckingham Palace as Great Britian is roiling today over the unprecedented gaffe by Queen Elizabeth
In ceremonies yesterday, the Queen mistakenly bestowed Microsoft founder Bill Gates with an honorary Knighthood that was intended for four native sons, and world-famous guitarists - Brian May, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck - whom the Queen didn't recognize.
The guests, which included Phil Collins, Charlotte Church, Cilla Black, Shirley Bassey, Roger Daltrey and Geri Halliwell, were totally surprised as the Queen dubbed Gates a Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.
Gates will get to keep his honoray title (but, as a US citizen, is not entitled to be addressed as 'Sir') and another ceremony will be rescheduled for the guitarists.
The one positive note from the gaffe is that Gates, by way of the Knighthood, is invited to the wedding of Prince Charles. Buckingham Palace has been feverishly soliciting guests to attend the wedding and hasn't ruled out offering more Knighthoods to beef up the list, which currently stands at seven.
Top Ten Cloves: Other Things WorldCom's Bernie Ebbers Didn't Know
9. Chris Rock hosted the Oscars this year
8. They broke up AT&T?
7. Martha Stewart is in jail
6. Thought minutes were about clocks, not meetings
5. How to use the telephone system and voicemail; Still has hand-crank phone at home in Mississippi.
4. That the Red Sox won the World Series last year
3. Wow, you're supposed to keep records?
2. J-Lo and Ben Afflack broke up
1. You're kidding, I was in charge of the whole company?
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Wednesday 2 March 2005
Fiorina, Wolfowitz Head List For World Bank
Carli Fiorina, who was fired from her job as head of Hewlett Packard last month and Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul D. Wolfowitz are among the candidate to be the next President of the World Bank.
Fiorina, the only woman on the list, has expressed interest in the job and has detailed her priorities for the position. One of her first acts for the World Bank would be to lead a hostile take-over of Hewlett Packard.
Having run Hewlett Packard for six-years, and includling leading the purchase of former rival Compaq Computer, Fiorina has the big management experience, as well as the detailed knowledge of the inner workings of HP.
Though he has expressed interest, it's doubtful that the Bush Administration would give permission for Wolfowitz to take the post. There's also the likely opposition of European leaders, who would block the nomination.
In a brief interview, Wolfowitz did offer that he has hired he lobbying group, USA Next, the same group that worked with the Swift Boat Veterans during last years' presidental campaign, to help him explore his options.
Wolfowitz indicated that one of his first priorities in the post would be to see the World Bank invade Iran.
Day Three of Swank Thank You's; No End In Sight
In winning her second Oscar at Sunday's Academy Awards for her role of boxer Maggie Fitzgerald in 'Million Dollar Baby', actress Hillary Swank is now in Day Three of thanking people.
Swank spent the balance of Sunday evening and all day Monday thanking director (who also won an Oscar) Clint Eastwood, the town of Carmel, California, and even the handlers of the chimpanze in an earlier Eastwood film, 'Every Which Way But Loose'.
Swank's publicity agent has started posting a daily schedule with the anticipated thank you's Swank will deliver.
Everyone, from the trailer park she grew up in, teachers, school companions, summer camp councilors, and former babysitters have received a 'thank you' from Swank. For a three-hour stretch on Tueday, Swank thanked her drycleaner, supermarket bag boy, and even the people she stood in line with at Starbucks.
Nadar In Early Lobby To Take Pope's Seat
Souces to The Garlic have indicated that Ralph Nader may be lining up to take a run at winning the office of the Pope. The uncertain status of Pope John Paul's health has the perinial candidate stumping in Italy.
Nadar has been seen in the Vatican, and Rome, conducting focus groups, and having lunch with high-powered officials who may be influential with the College of Cardinals.
Though not a Roman Catholic, Nadar feels he's ideally suited for the position, having been a long-time champion of unpopular causes, and an advocate of corporate, political and environmental reforms.
Not confirmed, the sources indicate, is that Nader has submitted an official application to be included in the debates the College of Cardinal may conduct if the need to choose a new Pope arises.
Top Ten Cloves: Reasons CBS Colleagues Don't Watch Dan Rather
9. Went on a three-day rant that Peter Jennings stole his UFO idea
8. March Madness to them is a staff meeting with Rather - any month of the year
7. Enters office pools but never puts in any money
6. Tuned him out after he said he thought Jeff Gannon was asking "important" questions
5. Has been stealing Mike Wallace's Wall Street Journal every morning for years
4. Saw 'Million Dollar Baby' the first day and came into office and told everyone the ending
3. Haven't trusted him since the 'frequency' incident
2. Blame him for pushing Walter Cronkite out the door
1. Many know he's sitting behind the news desk with no pants on
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Tuesday 1 March 2005
American Idol, Clear Channel To Go With All-Beyonce Format
Following her ubiquitous appearance at the 77th Academy Awards program Sunday evening, where she sang three of the five Best Song nominations, Beyonce has signed a multi-million-dollar deal to appear on American Idol.
In a separate agreement inked yesterday, Clear Channel announced they will switch their 1,200-station empire to an All-Beyonce format.
On American Idol, while constantents will continue to sign-up for the program, and choose the tune, Beyonce will perform all songs. The program will expand to 90-minutes, to accommodate the wardrobe changes by Beyonce, as her appearance will also be rated in the judging.
Clear Channel, in a deal with both Beyonce and American Idol, will convert their 1,200+ stations to an All-Beyonce format, covering the genres of Hip-Hop, Rap, Pop, Urban, Gospel, Country, Smooth Jazz, Broadway Show Tunes, Jazz, Oldies and World Music.
Clear Channel will promote Beyonce's appearances on American Idol and American Idol will direct viewers to Clear Channel station websites to be able to download the songs she performs on the program.
"This is a real coup for us" offered Clear Channel Radio President, John Hogan. "We're working on a deal that will have Beyonce tour and perform at all our Clear Channel venues".
Hershey Splitting Company, Changing Name, New Tag
Hershey Foods Corp. announced yesterday they will split the company into two new companies - candy and snacks - and take the risky route of launching a new branding campaign.
In a play off the Pork industry's successful promotions, Hershey's Chocolates will now carry the tag - 'The Other White Chocolate'.
Company officials conceded that not all the chocolate they produce is white chocolate but "in the spirit of the campaign", they want to distinguish Hershey Chocolate from other competeing brands.
The tongue-in-cheek campaign was launched with a press conference yesterday, with a barbeque-theme that included 'chocolate' pork chops and baby-back ribs "roasting" on an all-chocolate barbeque.
Company official also announced tie-in products with Ms. Piggy, Babe and, in a retro spot, Arnold Ziffer.
Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Month of March Could Roar In Like
9. The Yankee's locker room after Game 7 last year
8. Aaron Brown of CNN, really trying to sound sincere
7. Dan Rather still insisting they got the story right
6. Hewlett Packard, the day Carla Fiorina was fired
5. Donald Trump practicing, in the mirror, saying "You're Fired"
4. Hillary Swank's acceptance speech at the Oscars
3. Andy Sipowicz on a bad hair day
2. Howard Dean's campaign scream
1. Rosanne singing the National Anthem
Monday, February 28, 2005
Monday 28 February 2005
Garlic Extra!
Bush Launches No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind; Hundreds To Be Laid Off In FDA Reorg
Food and Drug Administration officials will be notified today by the Bush Administration to begin implementing the new policy of 'No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind'.
Score of hundreds of FDA employees, from executives, administrators and inspectors will either be put into early retirement, or laid off, according to a statement released by Department of Health & Human Services Secretary Michael O. Leavitt.
A White House source indicated, after last week's controversal FDA vote on the continuation of marketing of the huge-selling pain pills Celebrex, Bextra and Vioxx, the No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy was acelerated and, according to the source, the President himself ordered the immediate implementation.
The No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy will substantially reorganize the FDA, with some executives and administrators being moved to other government offices, leaving hundreds, including inspectors to be laid off. The plan offers those laid off to put a portion of their unemployment benefits into a private savings account.
The vote to continue with the marketing of these drugs has come under fire as 10 of the 32 government drug advisors voting, have also been receiving money and/or grants from these same pharmaceutical companies.
The new No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy will forgo the cumbersome and lengthy clinical trials, burdening the pharmaceutical industry with billions in research and development costs. No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind will allow the companies to register their new drugs with the FDA and begin marketing them immediately. There will be an undisclosed fee for such registration.
Said the White House insider;
"The strategy is a lot like what Ford did with the Pinto back in the seventies … It will be significantly cheaper for the pharma's to deal with any lawsuits if something happens …"
Sirius To Broadcast NASCAR, Other Major Visual Events
In an effort to stay the pace with competitor XM Radio, Sirius Satellite Radio Inc announced they will begin broadcasting NASCAR racing in 2007, as part of a package of new events.
Sirius also announced a number of additional new programming, including art museum show openings, rare stamp collections and
beauty pagents.
Said one Sirius official; "It'll play great on our system … Primo CD-quality audio and we'll have great announcers … It will be better than being there"
New Ken Burns Follow-Up To Baseball; Spotlight On Steroids
Ken Burns, the critically acclaimed independent documentary filmmaker will begin shooting a 200-Hour PBS special, a follow-up on his 1994 Baseball, which over 45-million tuned into, and focusing on the growing steroid controversy
"I had a vision of slowing fading in to a blossoming poppy field, like 10-15-minutes of just observing their innocent beauty and, as we reach a poppy flower, we continue to zoom in and then disolve to a baseball - whack - flying off the end on a bat and sailing, majestically, into the stands at Yankee Stadium … I'll have either Philip Glass or Wynton Marsalis do the music for this section … It will be compelling …"
Burns, whose credits include the Brooklyn Bridge, Frank Lloyd Wright, Lewis and Clark, Jazz and many more, was asked about the proposed length. His 1994 Baseball was only 18-1/2 hours.
"We're going to trace all the drugs used in baseball, from the earliest days, both the team-dispensed drugs, as well as the recreational one's used by the players separate from the game … It's a rather substantial record …"
Burns plans to use many of the narrators used in his previous projects, including the late Stephen Ambrose.
"He has such a great voice … intonation … Plus, he did so many television projects, we can basically cut-and-edit him to be saying anything we want … Whether it's true or not … A lot like his writing …"
Top Ten Cloves: People Who Wish This Year Was A Leap Year
9. David Spade - How about a Leap No?
8. Bernie Ebbers - Has more time to cram for what else he forgot or didn't do at WorldCom
7. Dan Rather - Will use the time to get to the bottom of this Bush National Guard business
6. Jennifer Lopez - She could ask a fourth man to marry her
5. Microsoft - Will …. Wait a minute … Oh God, a new Leap Year Virus!
4. Howard Stern - What better day to have Stuttering John interview two semi-naked adults dressed like Valentine cherubs?
3. Paris Hilton - Can claim she lost her laptop; Has files of photos of herself semi-naked and playing as a Valentine cherub
2. Debut of new TV Shows: CBS - CSI: Leap Year! … NBC - Law and Order: Leap Year
1. Hundreds of Major League Baseball Players - Extra day to drink cranberry juice in effort to flush steroids from their systems
