Tuesday 4 October 2005

Cheney to Miers: "Way To Go There Girl"

VP Gave Advice, Coached To Choose Herself; Longtime Prez Cook and Gardener On Short List

President Bush yesterday ended the suspense of who would replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, and created a new level of controversey, when he nominated his longtime aide, Harriet E. Miers, to the Supreme Court.

Miers, who up to her nomination, served as the White House Counsel, and, previously had been Bush's personal attorney, as well as his general counsel to his two gubernatorial campaigns in Texas.

Sources say that the President had a short list, which included his longtime chef and gardener

And Miers was the person who the President put in charge of researching and building a list of potential Supreme Court candidates.

No one was more proud of the moment than Vice President Dick Cheney.

"I feel like a coach," said the Vice President, "who has just seen that scrappy, second-stringer, take the big shot and become the team leader."

Cheney himself ascended to the Vice Presidency under similar conditions.

In 2000, when serving as CEO of Halliburton, Cheney was placed in charge of the Search Committee for the Bush Campaign. Bush disregarded Cheney's findings and choose Cheney himself to be his running mate.

"I think, on one day, I jotted down some names," recalls Cheney. "Just in case they asked me something."

"For the most part, I did crossword puzzles. Every now and then, I flew out to Peeble Beach, for some golf. I'd tell them I was going to California to interview so-and-so. I never busted a sweat over it."

Cheney says when Miers was placed with the responsibility, he had a meeting with her, to lay out the route for Miers to get the nomination.

"We got alittle nervous when the President chose Roberts. But, as soon as Rheinquist croaked, we tweaked our strategy and we knew she'd sail into it."

"I'm happy for Harriet," said Cheney, "but I do have alittle pang that maybe I should have headed the search. I wouldn't mind ending my career sitting on the big bench."

While the Democrats response to the Miers nomination has been surprisingly soft, and in some instances, positive, by contrast, the Conservatives have been harshly criticizing the President.

Bill Kristol, editor of 'The Weekly Standard', said he was "disappointed, depressed and demoralized" by the choice.

"Kristol," huffed Cheney, "gets depressed if it's a cloudy day, or if his shoe becomes untied … I wouldn't worry about him."

Appearing on the MSNBC program, 'The Situation', with host Tucker Carlson, conservative pundit, and former presidential candidate and Nixon speechwriter Pat Buchanan, with steam coming out of his ears, charged the President with "cronyism". Carlson siliently concurred, with his bow tie twirling like a jet propeller.

Sources tell The Garlic that, with it unlikely that the President will have anymore opportunities to shape the Supreme Court in his final two-years, attention now turns to mapping out a Presidential Library for Bush.

"There's a real dogfight brewing over that one," says the source close to the White House. "They know, the staffer that gets that job, of searching out a location, has a pretty good chance of getting their name on the library."

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) filed suit this morning against four newborns, their parents and a hospital in Chicago for alledgedly illegally downloading music

Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Congressman May Be Laundering Money

10. Starts up his own Action Committee, for some patronizing, self-centered cause

9. Will remind you, ad nausem, that a person is innocent until proven guilty

8. Despite not being qualified, you get offer from him to head an International Think Tank

7. Scheme is so lucartive, he can have his whole family on the payroll

6. His colleagues in Congress try to change rules to protect him

5. He starts taking lobbyists on junkets

4. There's so many investigations centered on him, you think he's became a co-anchor on Fox News

3. You get a letter from him, asking if you want to invest in Indian casinos

2. He gets a nickname, like a tool or something

1. The District Attorney can't stop himself from lining up indictments against him

Monday 3 October 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Disney Tosses Hat Into Hurricane Ring; Said To Make Bid To Purchase New Orleans

Multiple Themes Parks Already There; Deal Would Give Disney Channel Exclusive Hurricane Coverage Through 2011

Sources are telling The Garlic that the Walt Disney Company, this past weekend, placed a bid with General Thad Allen to purchase the city of New Orleans.

The price Disney is willing to pay is, reportedly, well above the $200-Billion mark being debated by the Bush Administration and Congress. The offer was made on Saturday, in New Orleans as both the city and federal government continue with the clean-up efforts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and the city slow begins to allow citizens back in.

Disney would pay for the purchase in both cash and stocks, and leverage additional benefits from the government in tax breaks and with the President Bush's new Gulf Opportunity Zone.

"It's a bold move." said Lou Lundberg, who tracks Disney deals in his investors newsletter, 'All Ears'.

"But Disney has the imagination, vision and diverse resources to pull it off."

General Allen was said to be "stunned" by the offer.

Disney has been trying to get this on the table for the past two-weeks, according to Lundberg, and other sources. With no city, state or federal official firmly with authority, Disney decided to approach General Allen as "he seemed to be the only one that knows what's going on."

Mayor Ray Nagin, who on Friday launched a ''Bring New Orleans Back Commission', could not be reached, and is believed to be in Dallas.

Governor Kathleen Blanco was said to be "interested" in the proposed sale but "could not make any commitments at this time."

There's numerous other committees that have a stake in the "new" New Orleans, including Committee for a Better New Orleans/Metropolitan Area Committee (CBNO/MAC) and various Congressional committees looking into funding and overseeing the rebuilding of the city.

It's unclear if President Bush is aware of the Disney offer.

Reportedly aides, who are allegedly weary of giving the President hurricane-related news for fear of being dressed down angrily by the President, are preparing a video of Disney clips for the President to view.

Michael Chertoff, Director of Homeland Security, released a statement that "he hasn't watched television the past few days" and is "unaware of any Disney offer."

'More New Urbanism'

For Disney, this would be the second effort in running a community, following their conceiving and building of Celebration, Florida back in 1994. It follows the vision laid out by the late founder, Walt Disney, as to building advanced communities that people could live in, such as his original conception of Epcot.

"It's almost as if New Orleans was made for Disney," said Lundberg. "You got two, maybe three theme parks already built. The French Quarter and the Garden District are there and ready for the Disney Touch."

Elements of the deal that were leaked out include;

- Keeping the Lower 9th Ward flooded and turning it into 'Pirates of the 9th Ward'

- Live, real-time experience of being in a flooded house; extra fee required to experience helicopter rescue

- The popular Café du Monde would become the Café du Petit Monde, the centerpiece of a 'Small World Park' that would replace the Riverwalk area.

- Speculation Disney would move it's pro hockey team, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks to New Orleans, partly out of leverage for having a new "Superdome" built, with the state adding infrastructure and other funding to the construction.

New Orleans residents would have 'first choice' at the jobs generated by the Disney purchase of New Orleans, however, Disney's experience and resources would take a lot of jobs away from the city, according to Lundberg.

'Disney's pioneering of their Audio Animatronics," said Lundberg, "is going to save Disney a bundle on labor."

Lundberg speculates that many of the tourist-related jobs, like street artists and the ropers for the clubs in the French Quarter will be Audio Animatronics.

Media Stake

The purchase of New Orleans by Disney would also include the official broadcasting rights to any new storms or hurricane that hit or threaten New Orleans, through 2011. It's likely that the Disney Channel, as well as other holdings of Disney, such as ABC and ESPN would share in the broadcasting of these storms.

Miramax, which is also held by Disney, would have exclusive rights as to shooting and producing any movies in New Orleans. The city has a long history for being the location of choice for Hollywood.

Mardi Gras

There was no word on if Disney will keep Mardi Gras as the one-time-per-year spectacle that it has been, or, if it will become a daily attraction for the French Quarter Park, similar to the parades and fireworks shows that take place in other Disney theme parks.

"It's being discussed," says Lundberg. "When you look at places like Sturbridge Village in Massachusetts and Solvang, California, it's completely doable for Disney to have a constantly running Mardi Gras … It's a money-maker."

Money is the key to the deal, according to Lundberg.

"There's always the speculation the DisneyEurope is on the block … It's been hemorrhaging money for years … And we're starting to pick up some chatter that the Asians are already bored with Hong Kong Disneyland."

"The cities main industry, for years, has been tourism and conventions so Disneyland New Orleans would be a homerun for the company. The Big Easy will turn into 'Big Money' for them"














New evidence emerged in the congressional hearings looking into the governments' response to Hurricane Katrina. Charges surfaced that FEMA was aware of the levee breaks earlier than stated and contracted a vendor to try to hold the levee waters back

Top Ten Cloves: How Colleagues Will Welcome New Chief Justice To Supreme Court His First Day

10. Because of his Senate testimony, decorated his office like a baseball dugout

9. Assured him, they will have Anna Nicole Smith in the court when her case is heard

8. Traditionally hazing with giving him a robe three sizes too small

7. Warn him, that if brings in his energizer-bunny kid into the chambers, they're going to fire gavels at him

6. Even though he's Chief Justice, he's still a rookie and must carry briefcases and luggage

5. Tell him there was a snafu with swearing in and that he has to go through process again, including hearings and vote

4. More hazing: Gave him the gavel that will break in two first time he pounds it on the bench

3. Emailed him the form letter he can send anonymously to the IRS, to have audit conducted on Senators who voted against him

2. Asked him if he wants to overturn Roe v. Wade in his first year, or wait alittle while

1. Told him it was okay if he didn't wear anything under his robes; they all do it often enough

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 2 October 2005

To aid in his fight against the conspiracy indictment, Congressman Tom DeLay has had a bank of microphones surgically attached to his body so he can plead his innocence and smear District Attorney Ronnie Earl and the Democratic Party


EPA officials and scientists are baffled at the sudden growth of polka dot bowling pins popping out of the infected waters that have flooded New Oreans























Vice President Dick Cheney, to dispel rumors of his health status following his recent surgery, announced that he has signed on for the lead role of Don Lockwood in a Broadway revival of "Singing In The Rain", slated to open in the Spring of 2006













"Barry, I don't know if you took steroids or not, but I wanted you to be the first to know that I am filing a lawsuit against Major League Baseball and appealing to Congress, to protect my homerun record"













"In our politburo, it's Maxwell House just doesn't have the same ring as the song with the firefighters ... Can we try it again?"

Friday 30 September 2005

DeLay's Wife Demands To Speak With President

Wants Answers But Not Sure Where To Camp Out - D.C., Crawford or Hurricane Region?

With her husband facing conspiracy charges, Christine DeLay last night demanded to speak with President Bush and wants answers on why the Republican Majority is more important than "Tom DeLay's personal freedom."

"I want him to tell me why my husband is being hung out to dry," Mrs. DeLay offered heatedly.

DeLay, whose nickna,ed "The Hammer" was indicted on Wednesday by Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle for conspiring with two former collegues of his political action committee, that alleges the three men violated Texas law by funneling corporate donations to Texas candidates.

Due to the indictment, and following House rules, DeLay was forced to step down from his Majority Leader position.

"He wanted Texas," said Mrs. DeLay, "Tommy gave him Texas. Tommy gave him a lot more, pushing through his 'so-called' agenda … No Child Left Behind … How about No Tommy DeLay Left Behind Mr. President!"

As reported yesterday by The Garlic, the Republican National Committee is putting together a 'Support Our Majority Leader' rally on Sunday, with a march down K Street. Celebrities like Carrot Top, Dennis Miller and Anna Nicole Smith are schedule to appear, along with California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vice President Dick Cheney and all Republican members of the House and Senate.

It is still unconfirmed if President Bush will attend the event.

"I hope he comes," said Mrs. DeLay. "I want him to tell me, to my face, the reasons."

Mrs. DeLay did concede she is in a quandary as to her next step. She has plans to camp out, in the same manner Cindy Sheehan has in seeking her audience with the President, however, she isn't sure where she will sit in protest.

"I don't know if I should camp out in front of the White House, go down to Crawford or follow him to the Gulf Coast."

President Bush has come under criticism, for, first, his slow reaction to Hurricane Katrina. Reports circulating say that staff members needed to put together a DVD of the media coverage and have the President watch it to get him engaged.

Since, the President has made seven trips to New Orleans, Mississippi and Texas, to deliver a national speech and to visit the stricken areas and comfort victims. Critics charge that the President is doing nothing more than a photo-op campaign, in attempts to repair his image and boost his plummeting approval ratings.

"I'll take a photo-op with him,: said Mrs. DeLay. 'And he'll get an earful from me at the same time. If he thinks he's going to abandon my husband, I'll rip him a new one and knock his teeth out for mumbling about it."

When apprised of his wife's comments, the former Majority Leader smiled.

"That's my girl," said the indicted DeLay. "On the hill, I might be 'The Hammer', but back home, Christine's "The Bulldozer'. If I was the President, I wouldn't want to want to be in his boots."

Christine DeLay did say she's holding airline reservations to California, in the event the President goes out West for a photo-op with emergency crews battling the raging brushfires in Los Angeles County.

"I'm also in constant contact with the National Weather Service, to get the word on any upcoming storms. He's not going to escape me."












At his appearance before the special House Committee investigating the governments' failures during Hurricane Katrina, former FEMA director Michael Brown was surprised to discover that karl Rove had flown Brown's brother, Sal, over from Sicily to attend the hearings. Brown, subsequentlhy blamed everyone, excepting himself and the Bush Administration.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Scooter Libby Gave Judith Miller Okay To Reveal Source and Testify

10. Trying to curry favor with prosecutor and grand jury so he won't be indicted

9. Wanted to get her out in time to see the foliage

8. Figured with Cheney out of the office for surgery, he could get away with a few things

7. Was tired of the hurricane coverage and wanted to give the media something else, and recharge the Wilson smear

6. Lost a bet; Gambled the Senate wouldn't confirm John Roberts

5. Heard Judy Miller was out of cigarettes and couldn't buy or trade things anymore

4. Soft spot for Judy; Only reporter that didn't call him "Scooter" in public

3. Influenced by new show, "My Name Is Earl" and just going down his list

2. Did it as a side deal with Ronnie Earle, in case Tom DeLay tries to finger him for anything

1. Waiting 89 days … He was in his FEMA-mode

Thursday 29 September 2005

RNC, Congress Planning 'Support Our Majority Leader' Rally For DeLay

Music, Speakers and Celebes Slated For K Street Parade; President To Attend If Not In Gulf Region Again

Within hours of the indictment of House Majority Leader Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, on conspiracy to violate election laws in Texas, the Congress, with the Republican National Committee rallied around DeLay and announced a 'Support Our Majority Leader march, that will take place in Washington, D.C. this coming weekend.

The indictment, in Travis County, which includes Austin, the state capital, accuses DeLay of conspiring, with two, already indicted colleagues of his 'Americans for a Republican Majority', James W. Ellis and John D. Colyandro, for funneling corporate donations, through the RNC, and back to local Texas candidates. Texas law bans contributions from corporations.

As DeLay was aggressively and vehemently declaring his innocence, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman announced that on Sunday, a 'Support Our Majority Leader' rally will take place for "all American citizens to show their support".

'This is a specious, degrading political vendetta, "offered Mehlman. "This is something, not just for Republicans or Conservatives to be concerned with, but all Americans.

Similar to last month's 'America Supports You Freedom Walk', sponsored by the Department of Defense, the 'Majority Leader' rally will take place on Sunday, Oct 2nd. The march will begin, and end on K Street in Washington. Music, games and speeches will be the order of the day, as celebrities and others have been lining up to participate.

The RNC says that Kenny Chesney, the recently-separated country singing star will perform, as will comedian Dennis Miller and Carrot Top. Soon to-be-confirmed is celebrity Anna Nicole Smith, whose inheritance case will be heard this session by the Supreme Court.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will participate. The RNC says that Schwarzenegger contacted them, asking to be allowed to speak about "these "girly district attorneys".

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is on-board. Gingrich, who is credited with leading the 'Republican Revolution' that saw the Republican Party retake the House of Representative for the first time in 50-years, and was the architect of the 'Contract With America, was, ironically, forced out of office by scandal himself.

Senate Leader Bill Frist, himself a target of an SEC investigation, will make an appearance, as will Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council and Dr. James Dodson head of Focus On Family.

Ann Coulter, the conservative pundit and author, will perform a routine, a spin of her book, 'How To Talk To A Liberal - If You Must', on 'How To Talk To A Democratic Texas District Attorney'.

Fox News anchor and radio talk show host Sean Hannity will take a break from his marathon of blaming New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco for the problems and mishaps from Hurricane Katrina to be Master of Ceremonies for the 'Majority Rally'.

Hastert has made it clear that all Republican members of the House, and the Senate will be required to attend.

"This is the time to rally around our leader," said the Speaker. 'It's time for all of us to become 'Little Hammers' and stand behind Tom DeLay."

Mehlman indicated that President Bush may attend as well.

"We're talking with the White House now, to see if he's going to be in town, or if he's going down to the Gulf Region again."

Vice President Dick Cheney will attend, however, due to his recent surgery, he will not march, but be carried, emperor-style, by members of his Energy Task Force and Haliburton executives.

In a statement released by the Vice President's office, Cheney said that "Ronnie Earle [the Travis County district attorney] can go f----k himself."

William Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard announced that his 'Project For The New American Century' (PNAC) will launch a new sister group - Project For A New Texas Century, in support of DeLay.

Mehlman would not say who was paying for the event, nor would he confirm or deny that Jack Abramoff was sponsoring the program.

Abramoff, a lobbyist and former aid to DeLay, is currently under indictment, for allegedly bilking Indian casino owners, and is the target of other investigations regarding his dealings.

New In Brief - Thursday 29 September 2005

New White House Riff As First Lady Forced To Visit Hurricane Zone

Staff Complains To Card, Rove; First Lady Upset With New Relief Role

More trouble for the White House is surfacing as staff members for the First Lady have complained to Chief of Staff Andy Card that Special Advisor Karl Rove is "forcing" Laura Bush to visit the hurricane-stricken Gulf Region.

Earlier this week, the First Lady was flown to Biloxi, Mississippi, to make a cameo appearance on the blockbuster ABC reality show 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition'. The program with the First Lady is schedule to be broadcast in November.

With a camera crew following her, the First Lady met with hurricane victims and listened to their stories, as well as taking part in passing out clothing, food and supplies.

The First Lady is no stranger to television, having previously made appearances on "Oprah", "Dr. Phil" and "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno".

According to staff members, the First Lady "doesn't embrace her husbands excitement" with visiting the areas hit by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. And they are upset that Rove is forcing this on Mrs. Bush.

"She's not running for office and she doesn't have a policy agenda," said one staff member.

Reportedly, the First Lady is "taking good notes" for next years' White House Correspondents' Dinner.

Last year, Mrs. Bush drew widespread attention with a racy monologue, comparing herself to "Desperate Housewife" a for the early bedtime of the President.

"We've told Card, and Rove," said the staffer, "that she's made her appearance, did her job and that she's not going back down there again.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In The Senate Before The John Roberts Vote Today

10. Did we have it in the Energy Bill that the President can fly down to New Orleans every day?

9. I heard the President is going to nominate himself, just to bust everyone's balloon

8. You see that new show 'My Name Is Earl' … If Rove made a list like that, he'll have a show for years

7. Do we have to vote today? Can't we argue some more over FEMA, or the Relief budget or something?

6. I already told my brother-in-law to move so he can get set up in the Gulf Opportunity Zone

5. Cheney's here … Did he make you look at his scars too?

4. Is today the day we gotta have lunch and eat MRE's with some of the evacuees?

3. Maybe we can get him to hold the Supreme Court session with Anna Nicole Smith here in the Senate Chamber

2. Don't tell anyone but Frist gave me a 'Heads-Up" on the stock and I made a bundle dumping it in time

1. Think he'll come out and pardon Tom DeLay right away?

Wednesday 28 September 2005

BROWN BOMBSHELL!
FEMA USED CRYSTAL METH TO AID EVACUATION

Not Sure How Many Used Drug; Says It "Breaks Down Dysfunction"

In a day of heated testimony, former FEMA Director Michael Brown dropped a bombshell, telling the Committee on Government Reform investigating the failures of the governments' response to Hurricane Katrina, that FEMA used the drug crystal methamphetamine to aid in the evacuations.

This was the second news of the day involving crystal meth, as earlier, in a soon-to-be-published memoir, Atlanta hostage Ashley Smith revealed in an interview with Anna Weinberg of The Book Standard, that she gave Atlanta Courthouse shooter Brian Williams her supply of the drug during her time as his captive. Previously, Ms. Smith stated that she helped persuade Williams to surrender by reading from spiritual best seller "The Purpose-Driven Life."

Brown disclosed the use of crystal meth in the hurricane relief shortly after telling the committee that "My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional."

In follow-up questioning, Brown related how FEMA began using crystal meth in their relief packages last year, during the four-hurricane barrage in Florida.

"We had some studies that showed it cut through dysfunction," said the disgraced director. "We implemented it in Florida and we had good results with it."

Brown defended his actions throughout the hearing

"It's my belief that FEMA did a good job in the Gulf states," Mr. Brown said at one point. "We could do things better. We could improve them."

Governor Blanco, when informed of Brown's testimony, stated that it "clearly demonstrates the appalling degree to which Mr. Brown is either out of touch with the truth or reality."

"Perhaps Mr. Brown, and the rest of FEMA, has been doing alittle too much crystal meth themselves."

Brown couldn't tell the committee who used, or how much crystal meth was used during the relief and evacuations in New Orleans.

"That's not an issue with me." He went on to say that "I didn't have a problem with evacuations in Mississippi or Alabama," adding, "They were doing it."

With President Bush distant and aloof during the hurricane, Brown was asked if the President was using the crystal meth.

"I have no knowledge of that." was his responses.

The committee noted, for the record, that the President has, subsequently, made seven trips to the Gulf Region.

The Committee on Government Reform, headed by Representative Tom Davis, Republican of Virginia, is primarily made up of Republicans. The Democratic leadership is boycotting the hearings and calling for an independent, outside inquiry. Democrats William Jefferson and Charlie Melancon of Louisiana and Gene Taylor of Mississippi participated at the request of Mr. Davis out of the importance to their districts.

Despite being told by President Bush that "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job", Brown was soon removed from directing the Katrina recovery effort and days later, resigned his post as the director of FEMA. It was announced shortly before his appearance before the special committee that Brown has been retained by FEMA as a consultant, primarily to aid in the transition to the new director and investigation of FEMA's failures.

Brown could not state to the committee if FEMA intends to continue using the drug, crystal methamphetamine, in future aid packages. Davis indicated he may subpoena others in FEMA, as well as former hostage Ashley Smith, to substantiate Brown's claims.

There are rumors and unconfirmed reports that Rick Warren, author of the "The Purpose-Driven Life" is collaborating with Smith to pen a new book, 'The Crystal Meth Driven Purpose."













Evoking memories of President Lyndon Johnson, Vice President Dick Cheney offerd to show President Bush and the First Lady his scars from his recent surgery this past weekend

News In Brief - Follow-up

White House Backtracks To Include '24' President

Haysbert Hastily Invited To Talks; Card Says 'Thought He Was The 'Good Hands' Guy

Already under fire, from black congressional and spiritual leaders, for the lack of response to Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, as well as the governments polices towards the poor and disadvantage, the White House hastily reached out and invited actor Dennis Haysbert, who is African-American, to the upcoming conference with President Bush, and other actors who portray presidents on television and in movies.

As The Garlic exclusively reported this week, Chief of Staff Andy Card has invited Martin Sheen, Gena Davis and Michael Douglas to meet with President Bush so the President can 'pick their brains' as to how they would handle certains criseses in their fictional roles as president.

Haysbert, who has played President David Palmer of the hit Fox Channel program, '24', was not initially invited by the White House. Executives of '24', and fans of the show, flooded the White House with telephone calls and emails over the omission.

In a statement released by White House, Card apologizes for the oversight, indicating that "he has not watched the program".

"I know he's an actor," Card stated, "But I only associated him as the 'Good Hands' guy … The All State commericals."

Top Ten Cloves: Ways The White House Plans On Conserving Energy

10. Hire more interns, to stand on South Lawn holding solar panels plugged into White House

9. Calls Senate Leader Frist and asks if Nuclear Option can fuel all of Washington D.C.

8. Jack Abramoff can burn his $10-bills to provide heat for the winter

7. Can't President sign Special Order, expempting White House from conservation and use all the power they want?

6. Wait for FEMA to deliver alternative-fuel generators … Wait, that's not really conserving, just FEMA screwing up

5. President to pedal stationary bike (more for his Secret Service teams' protection) to generate electricity for Oval Office

4. Karl Rove will start hand-wrting his smears

3. President to federalize Willie Nelson's vegetable oil-fueled bus for his trips to the hurricane regions

2. Start letting GOP donors sleep in Lincoln bedroom, but they have to bring heat and electricity for the whole White House

1. Dick Cheney will use his pacemaker only three-days per-week

Tuesday 27 September 2005

Garlic Exclusive!

Secret Bush Call For Television Summit with Fictional Leaders Revealed

Meeting Scheduled With Sheen, Davis For Crisis Input; May Reach Out To Other Actors

Sources have told The Garlic that President Bush has reached out to actors Martin Sheen and Gena Davis, who portray presidents on television, to get their input on the unfolding crisis's engulfing the White House.

Sheen, who is President Josiah Bartlett on the award-winning 'West Wing' and Davis, whose new program, 'Commander in Chief' debuts this evening, plays MacKenzie Allen, a vice president thrust into the Oval Office after the sitting president dies, received the invitation to meet with President Bush from Chief of Staff Andy Card.

"It's either raw, naked panic," offered a staffer close to the White House, "or a stroke of genius by Card to make this call."

The President is reported to be "very shaky" and there are rumors that he has begun drinking again. Aides say he is unfocused, surly and spends a good deal of the day "sitting in the Oval Office listening to his iPod".

"He doesn't trust anyone," offered another aid. "His Senate and Congress leaders are up to their necks in indictable deals, he still has the Fitzgerald investigation waiting to drop a shoe and his vice president is a steak dinner away from taking a dirt nap."

The Fitzgerald investigation is the Grand Jury inquiry into the Valerie Plame leak that has White House Special Advisor Karl Rove, and Cheney staffers Scooter Libbey and Stephen Hadley possibly looking at indictments. The New York Times Judith Miller has been in jail for nearly three-months, for refusing to divulge her sources regarding the leak.

"With all this going on, as well as plummeting approval ratings, the war in Iraq going badly, two major hurricanes hitting the Gulf Coast leaving over a half-million people homeless and jobless, the FEMA fiasco and a looming energy crises that threatens plunging the nation's economy into a recession, Card needed to do something to get the ball moving again."

Details of the meeting with Sheen and Davis were not released. It may take place in Washington, Crawford, Texas or even having the President fly out to Hollywood

"Sheen was a no-brainer., "said the White House aide. "Along with his 'West Wing' experience, he's played Bobby Kennedy numerous times, who was an Attorney General, a Senator and a presidential candidate. Davis may give some insight to the RNC, in the event that Hillary runs in 2008"

There are unconfirmed reports that actor Michael Douglas was called as well. Douglas portrayed widowed president Andrew Shepherd in the film, 'The American President', with, ironically, Martin Sheen playing his Chief of Staff.

The Democratic response to the news of the meeting has been heated.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) suggested that the "President should meet with Bozo the Clown, since his administration is nothing more that a three-ring circus."

Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said that it was "appropriate that we have no gasoline, since we don't have a driver either."

Senator Joe Biden (D-MD), when apprised of the meeting, indicated "I've got a show the President should be on."

"The President should go on the program 'Lost', because that's what he is right now."








As hearing open up today on Capital Hill, as to FEMA's performance during Hurricane Katrina, new charges emerged that Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff actually was directing aid and rescue operations in the wrong country

Top Ten Cloves: What Rafael Palmeiro Is Doing Now That His Season Is Over

10. Waiting for FEMA to come rescue him

9. Checking his list of other players on steroids that he can give to the Commissioner

8. Considering writing a book in hopes that Oprah Book Club picks it up

7. Call up McGwire and say it's time to put the contract out on Canseco

6. Starting to lobby journalists about his Hall of Fame qualifications

5. Trying out some of those new, designer steroids

4. Since President won't do it, no problem now fitting meeting with Cindy Sheehan on the schedule

3. Hmmm … Maybe a handsome, ex-ballplayer can move into Wisteria Lane?

2. Time to meet with lawyer to go over pending Congressional perjury charges

1. Stock up on Viagra and let's start the party!

Monday 26 September 2005

Cable News Giants Considering All-Hurricane Channel

Pool Resources To Contain Costs; Sponsored Levees In New Orleans Offered

Citing skyrocketing ratings and no end insight for content and programming, the heads of the major cable news networks have started discussions as to launching a 'Hurricane Channel', which would broadcast hurricane-related programming 24/7/365.

"It's wise, based on the patters emerging," said Stuart Vilma, a media analyst with IDG. "Stake out this turf and it opens the doors to cyclones, tsunamis, earthquakes … There's an umbrella of disasters that can be packaged this way."

Sources say the Fox Networks is leading the charge and made overtures to CNN and MSNBC. No word on when the Hurricane Channel would start up, as talks started just last week and there is no firm details on the operation.

It's being said that the National Hurricane Center, and AccuWeather may join in the operation and, the Hurricane Channel would go "head-to-head" with The Weather Channel.

A spokesperson for The Weather Channel was surprised by the news of a possible Hurricane Channel.

"I mean, who are people going to watch," said Kathy Lane, "in January, when it's zero-degrees and a blizzard is coming? Are you going to want that information, or more interviews from New Orleans or Houston with people in short-sleeved shirts?"

Roger Ailes, the chairman, CEO, and president of Fox News Channel did hint at the talks in a recent interview in New York on the coverage planned for Hurricane Rita.

"We need to get our bulls - O'Reilly, Hannity, and the others - back on track … Back backing Bush and pounding out the RNC positions … I mean, they can handle the routine disaster things … They know the questions to ask … How to show compassion but our ratings go through the roof when they're beating the drum and slapping liberals and democrats around … We might have a solution to that pretty soon.

Speculation is high that Fox anchor Shepard Smith would get the nod, having been Fox's man-on-the-ground in New Orleans, for Hurricane Katrina.

'Shep's doing a heck-of-a-job for us down there,: said Ailes. 'I mean he can make a slight breeze sound like Armageddon is coming in one sentence, then tug at your heartstrings in the next."

CNN President Jonathan Klein would not confirm talks of the Hurricane Channel but did mention that anchor Anderson Cooper would fit into such program, being that Cooper garnered media reviews of his coverage of Katrina, which included displaying raw emotions on-camera.

"Anderson is what I call three-hanky coverage, " said Klein. "Man, can he those waterworks going, or what!"

MSNBC didn't return calls and their spokesperson would neither confirm or deny participation in talks, or anything about the Hurricane Channel, other than "it would certainly cut cost, being able to pool resources".

"I don't think they want to plug Tucker Carlson into it," offered Vilma. "They've all but given up on that petri dish. They push his time slot back again and he's competing with infomercials."

"They might try to fit the new star in the stable there, Rita Cosby, though television sets around the country might explode if she, and former Fox colleague Geraldo Riveraappear in the same broadcast."

It is also being reported that advertising and sponsorship packages are being "floated" out to certain big name companies, some that include naming rights for the various levees in New Orleans. No word on if the Hurricane Channel would receive those payments or, if a deal has been struck with New Orleans and the Army Corp of Engineers.

"Hey," said Vilma, "If the Hurricane Channel is offering 24/7 coverage, someone will be willing to put their name on those levees."

Ailes tipped his hand a bit more in his interview.

"There's only so many runaway brides and missing teenager stories. Storms, hurricanes … You get mass evacuations, fires, damage, millions of people displaced, the economy … It's like a reality show, in real time … It's America, fair and unbalanced."


Hughes Makes Official Debut With Mid-East Jaunt

Fall Tupperware Line Just In; Says Flood Victims could have "saved heirlooms"

Karen Hughes, now that she is confirmed, is making her official debut this week, as Under Secretary of State, with stops in Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Turkey. Hughes has previously served as President Bush's campaign spokesperson and White House Communications Specialist.

Hughes has been in the position since March, when she launched International Tupperware parties as a means to promote the Bush Administrations positions and policies.

Ms. Hughes stated that the program shows how Tupperware is integrated into the American lifestyle "in a healthy and prosperous way". She believes that it can help in having these countries gain a better understanding of America and, at the same time, help themselves.

"Along with developing self-confidence and self-esteem, the representatives from these countries will be building an important economic platform", Hughes stated.

In Egypt, where Hughes displayed the new 2005 Fall line of Tupperware, she was peppered with questions about the hurricanes and devastation in New Orleans.

"It's really been terrible." offered Hughes. " So much was lost. If those people had used Tupperware, for instance, they could have saved a lot of their possessions, irreplaceable photos and family heirlooms."

Ms. Hughes also announced that, in 2006, she will be adding Mary Kay Cosmetics to the program and that an office will be set up in New Orleans under the President's new 'Gulf Opportunity Zone'.

"I've talked with many of the woman refugees in Houston and they were just sick over not having any make-up to wear while waiting to be rescued."

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Dick Cheney's Surgery

10. Think he'll invite us if he has a party over at the Secret Bunker?

9. No trouble if anything goes wrong … Nobody's seen him for months anyway …

8. I think he's waking up … He keeps mumbling something about "Bianca"

7. Let's tease him … Give him the pair of crutches, the one with one shorter than the other

6. Is that the President out in the waiting room, reading a children's book?

5. Jeez, even knocked out, he keeps that snarl on his face

4. Is his insurance paying for this or can we bilk FEMA for it?

3. Let's give him a tattoo!

2. Anybody got a camera cell phone on them? We could make a killing on eBay …

1. Who's doing the stitching? Remember, he wants them to read "Halliburton Rules"

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 24 September 2005

FEMA, determined to improve its performance during Hurricane Rita,was stocked and ready to move into the areas that needed aid and supplies




Following up on its new order, the Vatican this week began sending inspectors to churchs and semanaries to start weeding out gay priests



In a private ceremony, attended by only team members and staff, the Boston Red Sox decreed owner John Henry as 'Emperor of Boston'.








"I've got $500 I can knock down this girlie man with one punch ..."







Hey guys ... Take a look at this ... Do you see the Virgin Mary in here?





"I'm sorry Paul, your answer must be in the form of a question ... Let's see what that is going to cost you ..."

Friday 23 September 2005

White House In Disarray; Bush Torn Between Visiting Texas or New Orleans

Aides Arguing; VP Suggests To Pack Guitar and Head Again To San Diego; Rove Pushing 'Pro-Active' Disaster Appearances

Already conceding the he expects FEMA to "screw up", President Bush is said to be torn between heading back to New Orleans, for more photo-ops showing his concern, or to visit Houston, for a pre-hurricane appearance, a new pro-active approach to disasters that Karl Rove is attempting the White House to embrace.

Sources say that staff and aides close to the President are in "a panic and arguing" over what to do.

Chief of Staff Andy Card is behind one side that wants the President to "stay the course" and continue visiting New Orleans.

"Card doesn't see any value in visiting Houston at this time," said one aide. "He feels that we need time, we need to see destroyed homes and flooded streets to get any impact for the photo opportunities."

However, another camp in the West Wing, led by Special Advisor Karl Rove, is advocating to the President that he "get in front of the storm" and visit Houston.

"This is the President home turf," said another aide. "Karl believes he can't lose by visiting Houston before the storm. He knows the area, he knows all the players and, right now, until the storm hits, he doesn't have to promise too much in the way of aid."

Rove, considered by many to be the 'architect' of Bush's presidency, wants the President to take a pro-active approach to disasters, believing he can leverage better approval ratings being photographed before the storm damage occurs.

One person in the White House is said to be ignoring those strategies and believes the President should "remain aloof and distant".

Vice President Dick Cheney, who is schedule for surgery tomorrow, is said to have advised the President to "pack the guitar and head to San Diego" again.

"Dick really wants the President," said a source close to the Vice President, "out of the way completely. He doesn't want to worry while he's having his surgery about the President screwing something up, especially when it comes to the oil industry."

President Bush was criticized for visiting San Diego and playing a guitar the day after Hurricane Katrina hit and New Orleans was being flooded.

Still another course of action is being suggested, by the First Lady.

Reports indicated that Laura Bush, the former liberian, has told the President to "pack up some children's books, head to some schools in other parts of Texas and read to the children while the hurricane is pounding the coastal areas."

In a related matter, Congress, in a late-night session, voted to give Halliburton a blank check for the anticipated clean-up of Texas after Hurricane Rita hits.













To ward off the repeated scenes of widespread looting, in the wake of Hurricane Rita, President Bush this morning, federalized the Knights of Columbus, who will begin patroling the streets of Houston as soon as the storm passes

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Bill Frist Sold His HCA Stock Before It Tanked

10. Okay, so the blind trust wasn't so blind … Let's just say they had one eye open

9. "Hey, Tom DeLay gets away with everything, why shouldn't I?"

8. Terry Schiavo told me to sell; She cleared stated the words "Sell Stocks"

7. Actually, is running a Senate Sting operation on the SEC, to see if they're doing their job

6. Studied how-to videos on best time to sell stocks

5. Wanted to change his holdings to cash in big-time with buying more Halliburton stock

4. With so many people effected and displaced by hurricanes, now is not the time to discuss this

3. Rest assured, brother who runs company, gave absolutely no information that impacted decision to sell stock

2. Needed the cash to invest and buy stocks in Stem Cell company

1. Thought Martha Stewart looked sexy in ankle bracelet; Hopes to be convicted so he can wear one too.

Thursday September 22, 2005 - Happy Autumn!

Talk Host Hannity Starts Blame Game On Jet Blue Incident

Lambastes Nagin and Blanco; Cites Stranded Passengers; "Where Are The Buses!"

As a Jet Blue airliner made a safe, if not anxious, landing at Los Angeles International Airport last evening, after its front landing gear jammed in a cocked, angled position, Fox News Talk Show Host Sean Hannity blasted out blame, placing it at the feet of New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco.

"It's Nagin and Blanco again … These two people are not only incompetent, but dangerous", said Hannity, on his Fox News program, 'Hannity & Colmes'.

Ignoring video in a side box that showed passengers exiting the plane in a calm, orderly fashion, Hannity continued his rant.

"Nagin and Blanco have set a standard so low, its become infectious … They're now stranding people in Los Angeles … And you know what? They'll turn around and blame President Bush for this …"

Co-Host Alan Colmes attempted to interject a point but was waved off by Hannity.

"Where are the buses for these people? Los Angeles must be using the Nagin Plan … A city the size of Los Angeles must have 10,000 buses and you mean to tell me they can't bring a few dozen to LAX? That they are going to leave these people there, without food, without water? … Where's Governor Schwarzenegger? … I hope he's not on the phone with Blanco, getting advice on how to handle a disaster … The only thing she can tell him is how to refuse aid, and how to ignore procedures …"

Colmes again tried to interrupt Hannity.

"Alan … This is just in .. From the AP … Amtrak is saying they have empty trains that can take these passengers … Empty trains that can take these poor people to safety … I'm sure Nagin is telling them not to do it … Not to use the trains … He's telling them to ignore the safety of those people …"

"Sean", said and exasperated Colmes, "Union Station is clear across town … It's 10, 15-miles away, on the other side of downtown."

"And what - that's President Bush's fault?" shot back Hannity.

"Is it FEMA fault again? They screwed up, they didn't position the buses, the trains in advance … All you liberals … When things go wrong, don't take responsibility, just blame the President … It's all President Bush's fault …"

At this point, the program needed to break for a commercial

"We gotta take a break" sighed Hannity. "When we come back, Ann Coulter will join us and, Alan, I'm sure she'll agree with me so call some of your liberal friends and see if you can come up with something … Anything … That is, if they can pull their heads out of the sand long enough to think about it."

"Kofi, my good amigo ... I'm going to want alot more than food for my oil ... And I can make it very worth your while ..."