Retro Garlic ... Oh, Ed Henry, David Chappelle ... That's Sooooo 2005

Another Retro Garlic... Another case of life imitating The Garlic?

CNN's intrepid White House correspondent Ed Henry has a riff about meeting comedian David Chappelle outside the White House a few days ago.

Dave Chappelle: Next White House press secretary?

They walk and talk, nothing earth-shattering

But the conversation shifts to Henry asking Chappelle what's his next project.

“Or maybe I’ll take Tony Snow’s job,” Chappelle smiled. “I think that’s a cool job.”

Mr. Chappelle forgets that he already has a commitment, given to him by The Garlic, back in May 2005;

Washington Bombshell On U.N. Post - Bush Ready To Pull Bolton; Will Nominate Dave Chappelle; Senate Says They'll Vote "Up, Down and Sideways" For Comedy Central Star; Bolton Goes Ballistic

Now, it would be a gas to have Chappelle in either position, no?

Links

David Chappelle Website

David Chappelle Show

CNN's Ed Henry

It's A Rovey Tuesday

My, My, My ...

What do we pick from today? ... Cheney, huffing and puffing, ready to blow the house down? ... Cheney getting impeached?

Or perhaps the Chief Decider, deciding to continue to sell the invasion and occupation of Iraq, and stay in the middle of their Civil War, with more fear mongering and three-year-old talking points?

Or Paul "It'll Pay For Itself" Wolfowitz, engaged in his own, little private, Dog Day Afternoon (And would Wolfie be the Al Pacino character, or is he Leon?).

No, we go with the little engine that could, via the Los Angeles Times report today - "Low-key office launches high-profile inquiry".

The Office of Special Counsel is going after the big cheese, Karl Rove, for violation of the Hatch Act, the missing White House emails, among other things.

Now, it could end up being nothing, or, perhaps, those five appearances Rove made before the Libby Grand Jury allowed Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to build up a nice little file that, maybe, just maybe, he dropped into the In Basket, on his way out the door.

At any rate, we have a song for another member of the Bush Grindhouse

Throw on the Stones and sing along

Rovey Tuesday

He would never say where the next lie came from
Scooter don't matter, he's gone
While Bush isn't that bright
It is in Cheney's darkest night
No one knows
His lies that comes and goes

Goodbye, Rovey Tuesday
Who could hang an indictment on you?
When you lie with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Don't question why Iraq needs to be so free
He'll tell you it's the only way to be
He's just Bush's Brain
With a smear, ready to inflame
And everything's lost
If the Dem's don't pay the cost

There's no time to lose, I heard him say
Bashing the Dems is merely child's play
Crying all the time
About every silly crime
As he rubs their faces in slime
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, Rovey Tuesday
Who could hang an indictment on you?
When you lie with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Breaking News! Gonzales To Shift Testimony, Has New Excuse

AG To Cite 'Circuit City' Policy, Claim Replacement Attorneys Costing DOJ Less; Fired USA's Can Reapply in Ten Weeks

In yet another stunning twist to the growing scandal, sources tell The Garlic that Crony General Alberto Gonzales will abandon the expected testimony he was to deliver today, when he testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and instead, deliver a brand new excuse for the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys.

Gonzales will tell the committee that he actually was implementing what now has become known at the "Circuit City Policy".

The eight U.S. Attorneys fired were replaced with attorneys who are willing to work for less money, saving the Department of Justice, tens-of-thousands of dollars in their budget.

Gonzales will stop short of saying the fired attorneys were overpaid, as Circuit City cited when they implemented their policy, and the Crony General will announce that the fired attorneys can reapply for their jobs - at the lower pay scale now in place - in 10-weeks.

When apprised to the shift planned by Gonzales, Judiciary Committee Chairman, Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) rolled his eyes and threw up his hands.

"We've gone from the dog ate my homework, to do you want fries with that order," huffed Leahy. "I suppose this means now that the DOJ attorneys now get an employee discount if they purchase a new stereo."

Circuit City, the third largest electronics retailer in the United States, with revenues over $11-Billion, caused an uproar last month, when they fired over 3,400 employees for the reason of they were paid too highly, and replaced then with lower-paid workers.

Much like the fired U.S. Attorneys, Circuit City justified the move, saying the firings had nothing to do with job performance, but rather, to improve the company's bottom line.

The Gonzales shift comes against a backdrop of the Senate committee considering offering immunity to former Gonzales aide, Monica Goodling, to testify. Goodling had previously stated she would plead the 5th Amendment if called before the committee.

Additionally, millions of email messages, between the White House and DOJ, are missing, some of which may be related and/or specifically dealing with the fired U.S. Attorneys. White House staff, such as Karl Rove and others, used an email system provided to them by the Republican National Committee, which has fueled speculation that they did so to avoid investigations.

Gonzales himself is said to have been "studying" over the past two weeks, as preparation for his appearance today.

The Crony General, in shooting a shot across the Senate committee's bow, penned an Op-Ed in The Washington Post this past weekend, offering little new information and citing he has done nothing improper or has anything to hide.

Gonzales gave no indication in the Op-Ed of the new 'Circuit City Policy' that he will, apparently, offer in today's testimony.

Leahy indicated he would wait to hear the Crony General's testimony, before making any decisions on subpoenaing Circuit City executives or emails.

Links

Bush, Gonzales Reportedly Discussed Fired Prosecutor

Aborted DOJ Probe Probably Would Have Targeted Gonzales

Top Ten Cloves: How It Would Be Different If Alberto Gonzales Was The Head of March Madness

Alberto Gonzales Sings 'Justice For Sale'

Did Crony General Alberto Gonzales come up with the 'Circuit City Policy' for firing eight U.S. Attorney's, or did the White House?

Breaking News - White House Bombshell: "VP Could Be In His Last Throes"

Libby Verdict Has Bush, White House Urging Cheney Into Rehab

Sources Claim "Can't Be Trusted He Won't Break"; Iraq Comments "Last Straw" and "Were Not An Enormous Success"

Sources have told The Garlic that a fierce battle is being waged inside the White House, as President Bush, and other staffers, are strongly urging Vice President Dick Cheney enter into rehab.

The overriding fear is that recently convicted former Assistant to the President, and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, in an effort to stay out of prison, by make a deal with Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and implicate the Vice President in the Valerie Plame CIA Leak Case.

If that were to occur, and with Fitzgerald already "owning" Assistant to the President, Deputy Chief of Staff and Senior Advisor Karl Rove, the White House wants to have Cheney "completely off-limits" to investigators.

He can't be trusted that he won't break. They'll have him disappear." said one official who works in the West Wing. "I mean, he'll be gone, untouchable."

Cheney's Staff Fighting Back

In the Office of the Vice President, a chaotic and frenzied effort is underway by staffers, to block the President from forcing Cheney into rehab.

David Addington, Cheney's new Chief of Staff, is said to be "sweating blood", digging furiously through legal volumes, looking for the slightest edge that can be employed, or a precedent that can be slipped into the next Bush Signing Statement.

Communication between the West Wing and the Vice President's office is so strained, that necessary information, and daily business, is being conducted by messenger.

Cheney could not be reached for comment, rumored to be holed-up in his Secret Bunker.

Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said the Vice President would not be issuing any comments on the rehab story and that, "frankly, he doesn't give a hoot what people think."

Cheney Was On Thin Ice

With Cheney's influence in the White House being questioned, and calls coming of the impeachment of the Vice President, Cheney, according to the insiders, was already on the President's radar, and "very thin ice".

Since his combative interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, in which Cheney sang of the "enormous successes" in Iraq and arrogantly dismissed criticism of himself as "hogwash", the White House has attempted to harness the Vice President, but without much success.

Cheney has also been a the center of amping up the war cry against Iran, having already angered the President earlier by by splitting off from the White House and establishing his own Iran Study Group.

"Christ," sighed another source inside the White House, "you want reasons? We've got over six-years' worth ... Take your pick ... Last throes ... Endorsing waterboarding... Busting the Senate Intelligence Committee's balls... His secret energy meetings... The Nazi Appeaser thing... This guys a one-man PR nightmare ... Every time the President wants to do something on the QT, there goes Cheney shooting - no pun intended - his mouth off ..."

All In The Family

The White House is also displeased that it has become a "family affair"; with the Cheney's, in putting the spotlight on the President and his policies.

Last Fall, Lynne Cheney, the Vice President's wife, had her own head butting contest with CNN's Blitzer that generated an unwanted glare.

That was followed by a pair of Op-Ed's by Cheney's daughter, Elizabeth, urging continued support for the Iraq Occupation and lashing out at Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, for her "single, unmarried" status.

Faith and Fallback In Play

The President is said to have faith, that the Vice President will "do the right thing", and gracefully step into rehab.

If not, the sources say, the President already has a "fallback" position in ordering Cheney into rehab.

Shortly after the Libby guilty verdict was announced, Cheney, reportedly, stormed around his office in a raging tirade, and is said to be heard by a handful of staffers, of calling Special Prosecutor Fitzgerald a "little faggot".

"And there's already an established procedure and precedent for that." added the staffer. "Even Ann Coulter worried about going into rehab is she used that word."

With his influence down, and his former Chief of Staff now a convicted felon, the White House is urging Vice President Dick Cheney to enter into rehab, but no one is expecting Cheney Cheney to go without a fight

Breaking News! Analyst: President May Soon Need To Deny He Has Troops In Iraq

White House Plunges Into New Iraq Strategy; Moving From ‘Keystone Cops’ To ‘Marx Brothers’

Denials Of “Stay The Course” Signal Major Shift; Possible Complete Erasing Of Iraq May Come In Time For MidTerms

In a shocking departure from what has become a mantra for the Bush Administration, a new Iraq strategy (or “tactic”, as the White House prefers it referred as) has leaped out, with President Bush taking the lead.

It began Sunday, in what is being called ‘Operation Hello, I Must Be Going’,, when President Bush denied, during an interview with ABC’s George Stephanopolous, that he has ever had a “Stay The Course” strategy.

That was followed up on Monday, first with White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett, in an interview with Hannah Storm, on CBS’s Early Morning program. Bartlett, responding to a question, stated that “it’s never been a stay-the-course strategy.”

Later yesterday, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, after a head-banging exercise of redefining the words “strategy” and “tactics”, acknowledged ‘Operation Hello, I Must Be Going’, indicating the President has, indeed dropped the strategy of “Stay The Course”.

Snow wouldn’t define ‘Operation Hello, I Must Be Going’ as a new strategy.

“I’m not sure we can launch a new strategy,” Snow offered, referring to the Inspector General’s report earlier this year that indicated the Bush Administration was “out of strategies”.

Poll Booster Or Is Bush Making His Bed For Final Days Of His Term?

This wouldn’t be the first time the Bush White House has turned on a dime.

After building up for the invasion and occupation of Iraq, with calls of WMD’s, mushroom clouds, and that Saddam Hussein was in bed with Al Qaeda and involved in the attacks of September 11^th, the administration has, for the past year, or so, denied that they ever present the case in that fashion.

“Yes,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party, “but they were married to the Keystone Cops strategy at that time. They were just continuing that policy. I think you’ll see a much smoother operation, now that they have moved over to ‘Hello, I Must Be Going’ and the Marx Brothers. They’ve got a lot more to work with going this route.

What isn’t clear as of yet if the ‘Operation Hello, I Must Be Going’ is an interim move, designed for poll-boosting just before the Midterm elections, or if the Bush White House plans on riding it out, perhaps through the end of his term in 2008.

New Sophistication Highlights Bush, White House Still Sharp

“This is pretty significant,” offered Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative hawkish think tank, “Cry Wolf”, that is said to be closely affiliated with The Project for the New American Century (PNAC), and, some say, may be an adjunct to the White House Iraq Group, or WHIG. “It shows an administration, sharp as ever, on their toes, and coming out punching.”

Varicator said, that on a deeper level, it shows that the President is undertaking a much more sophisticated approach to his Iraq War policy.

“It signals that they’ve come to realize their Keystone Cops approach isn’t working ... They need to step up and shifting to the Marx Brothers shows a sophistication that we haven’t seen before. They’re going to have to be even sharper - Snow’s fumbling and head-banging not the best presentation you want to come out of the box on - with their rhetoric now.

Operation Hello, I Must Be Going Laying Ground Work For Complete Denial Of Iraq?

Aaronson agreed and said that it opens the door for an even bolder strategy that may now be available.

“The President has within in his reach, now that he’s moved away from ‘Stay The Course’, an even bigger message he can start pounding out - denying he even has any troops in Iraq.”

“That’s what could be the big picture behind all this,” offered Aaronson. “It would take an enormous effort on the part of the White House to undertake denying troops are in Iraq, but not that much of difference on what they did to get them into Iraq in the first place.”

A key factor in denying troops are in Iraq, concedes Varicator, is the health of Vice President Dick Cheney.

“With his heart condition and after the woozy spell he had last month, after his appearance on Meet The Press, it’s not clear he could keep up the pace required for such an operation.”

Aaronson says the Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would be able to buy into it (“She has no problem pitching whatever it is the President wants out there), however Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, like Cheney, could also be a liability.

“First off, we may not have to worry about Rumsfeld,” said Aaronson. “It’s pretty likely, with Operation ‘Hello, I Must Be Going’, that they throw him under the bus, sometime between the Midterms and January. If not, the White House knows, it’s a ticking time bomb with Rummy, the way, at press conferences, he asks and answers his own questions ... He’s likely to let something slip out.”

In Iraq, Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Malaki said that he was “unaware” that President Bush has shifted over to ‘Operation Hello, I Must Be Going’.

“They haven’t told us about it, said a visibly stunned al-Malaki. “It’s been nothing but ‘Stay The Course’ for months and months every time we talk. I don’t know what to make of this ... We’re still waiting for that Road To Democracy he’s promised us ...Sounds like he wants us to build it now.”

With two-weeks to go before the MidTerm elections, President Bush is hoping it's "thumbs up" for his new Iraq War Policy, "Hello, I Must Be Going"

Developing Story! Rove Has Gone From “Bush’s Brain” To “Bush’s Drain”

White House In Crises, As Rove Takes Credit For North Korean Nuke Test

Sources Say ‘Bush’s Brain” Weary From Sinking Polls, Fundraising; Too Tired To Come Up With New October Surprise

Sources have told The Garlic that a brutal and bitter flare-up is occurring inside the White House, as top Bush Aide Karl Rove has been “boasting” to colleagues and GOP officials that the recent North Korean test of a nuclear device was his work, this years’ “October Surprise” that Rove has become famous for pulling out of his infamous playbook.

Numerous sources have reported on Rove, making his rounds around Capital Hill, taking credit for the recent, alleged nuclear test by the North Korean government.

During his appearances at GOP fundraisers, Rove is, reportedly, opening up his speeches with a greeting, in mangled, choppy Korean, that translates to “You wanted an October Surprise, I give you an October Surprise”, and then launches into talking points, based on national security, that Republican candidates can use in their campaigns.

“He wanted to take Iraq off the table for the upcoming Midterms,” said a highly-placed official on Capital Hill. “That he did, but then this Foley Scandal hit and he didn’t have anything left in his bag of tricks to suppress it ... It’s all blown him, Bush and the Republicans out of the water.”

With the attempts to foist the Foley scandal at the feet of the Democrats falling flat, it’s possible, offered the source, that “this nuke thing is the backside - no pun intended - of resolving the Foley mess.”

“They’re going to need some cover in purging the Congress of the gay staffers,” predicted the source. “They’ll throw in a few top aides and, perhaps, a congressman or two - if the Midterms don’t bury them first.”

What is being seen as insurance, but not something Rove can claim as a bonafide “October Surprise” was the news out of the White House last week that President Bush is considering awarding the disgraced, former Congressman Foley the Medal of Freedom Award.

Rove Boast Pits Him Against Secretary of State Rice On North Korea Issue

While the buzz is growing of Rove’s “October Surprise”, others in the Capital are dismissive of it, indicating it would “open a can of worms” if it were the case.

Earlier this week, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice went on record, giving credit to the Bush Administration’s ‘Axis of Evil” program, calling it “wildly successful”, for the North Korean nuclear situation and used the report to point out her claims three-years ago of “mushroom clouds” were valid.

If a rift has developed between Rice and Rove, it won’t be the first head butt with administration colleagues for the Secretary of State.

Earlier this year, Rice got into a shouting match with U.N. Ambassador John Bolton, over her admission of “thousands of errors” in regard to the invasion and occupation of Iraq.

The Secretary of State also ran into trouble with President Bush, after Rice initially claimed surprise over the election of the Hamas party in the Palestinian elections, later backtracking her statement to back up the President, who had said he was surprised the levees in New Orleans broke.

“This has the makings of a classic White House battle,” offered David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

“The President’s longest loyal aide versus his favorite loyal aide ... We’re talking pay-per-view level fighting here.”

Rove Has Gone From “Bush’s Brain” To “Bush’s Drain”

Another critic, Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century, is dismissive of Rove and his claim of an “October Surprise”.

“We’ve been hearing that Rove’s burnt out,” offered Martins. “Yeah, sure, he’s raised over $12-million for the GOP this election year, but it’s taking a toll on him ... He’s clearly tired and ineffective, when you look at all that’s going on ... He’s gone from “Bush’s Brain” to “Bush’s Drain.”

Martins also points to the Inspector General report earlier this year, that cited the Bush Administration as being “out of strategies” as an indication that Rove could not have coordinated the North Korean situation.

‘The Bush Team had this covered a long time ago ... Before they even took office ... North Korea is Bill Clinton’s fault, so it doesn’t make sense that Rove would try to take credit for it. He’s veering off his own playbook, which could be a sign of just how bad things are inside the West Wing.”

In a related matter, in his continuing efforts to distance himself from the growing scandal, House Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) declared himself today, the October Surprise and vowed to stay on and earn the title of “November Surprise” as well.

More on this story as new developments surface

With his latest effort, to take credit for the North Korean Nuclear Test and passing it off as his "October Surprise", critics say that Karl Rove as gone from being "Bush's Brain" to "Bush's Drain"

Breaking News! Giant Search Engine Downed By GOP and RNC Staffers

Google Crashes! Besieged With “I’m Feeling Lucky” Searches From White House, Congress

Amazon, D.C. Novelty Stores Hit With Run On Magic 8-Balls

Millions of computer users around the world this morning where stunned to find that the Google Search Engine was unavailable, that it had crashed. A one-line message, on an even more barren home page than the usually sparse Google offering, read “Unavailable To Perform Task; Server Down”

The cause, according to a Google executive, was due to a “tsunami of searches”, concentrated on Google’s infamously whimsy “I’m Feeling Lucky” search bar, from IP addresses traced back to the Capital Building, the White House and an undisclosed alcohol and drug rehabilitation clinic.

Google, as of the time of this report, has not been successful in restoring service, as a flood of “I’m Feeling Lucky” searches continue to stream from the Washington, D.C. area

‘This is really unprecedented,” offered a beleaguered Marissa Mayer, the company's vice president for search products and user experience. “We’ve never really experienced this before ... The system was strained around the time Princess Diana died, but that was when we were very young and not nearly as big ... We’ve had some other scary spikes - we get clusters of people looking for when Rosanne sang the National Anthem... Or, very recently, Senator Allen’s Macaca incident... Also, our “I’m Feeling Lucky” on Google Iraq has been running at near capacity for the past three-years.”

Mayer says that company engineers are “on the case”, and that Google is contemplating firing up new servers, in their still-under-construction server farms up in the Pacific Northwest.

Other search engines, including Ask.Com, MSN and Yahoo report average, to slightly above-average search inquiries.

Among the “I’m Feeling Lucky” searches that crashed Google, include;

- Crisis + Save Job?
- Plausible Alibis
- Hastert home address
- Democrats + IM’s + Congressional Pages
- Woodward home address
- Meeting denials
- Timmy + Congressional Page + Florida
- New Smears
- Scandals + Best + Placing Blame
- Gay Democrats
- Images = Nancy Pelosi + Barnyard Animals
- Famous Nazi Appeasers

Mayer indicated that “Gay Democrats” and “Images = Nancy Pelosi + Barnyard Animals” were the two most searched items, from late yesterday afternoon, into the early morning hours, and just before the system crashed, “Crisis + Save Job?” was flooding the “I’m Feeling Lucky” search bar.

Mayer was emphatic that the crash of Google has nothing to do with any type of “click-fraud” and, that it won’t affect the planned Google Government Search program that is in the works.

“I knew they were burning the midnight oil,” offered David Aaronson, editor of What Color Is My Coat Today?, the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party, “but for something like this to happen, they must have bused the entire RNC in here.”

Coincidently, Amazon.Com, as well as novelty stores in the nation’s capital, and the surrounding D.C. area, have reported an unexpected run on Magic 8-Ball’s. An Amazon spokesperson said that the company “came pretty close” to setting a new record for overnight, next-day deliveries, while the novelty stores indicated a steady stream, beginning yesterday morning, and staying strong from the moment they opened their doors today.

Along with the crash of Google, due to a "tsunami of searches" in its' "I'm Feeling Lucky" bar, Amazon.Com and D.C.-area novelty shops had a massive run on Magic 8-Balls