Breaking! - Al Qaeda Seeks Sainthood for OBL

Sources tell The Garlic that instense discussions have been underway between the Vatican and representatives of Al Qaeda, seeking for Pope Benedict XVI to begin the process of Beatification for Osama bin Laden to become a saint.


Representatives of Al Qaeda were in attendance at yesterdays Beatification ceremony for Pope John Paul II.


A major obstacle, beyond the traditional five-year waiting period, is there is no evidence that Bin Laden sexually abused young boys, or protected those that did.


The Vatican is insisting that Al Qaeda stipulate to this before any Beatification processes can be started, and fast-tracked, as was the case for Pope John Paul II.


More, as this story develops.





Bonus Riffs


Bin Laden is late pope's 'miracle': Peru leader


Tim Rose: WikiLeaks: Osama bin Laden 'protected' by Pakistani security


Nicole Belle: Wanker Extraordinaire Joe Scarborough: Obama’s Base Didn’t Want Him To Catch Bin Laden


My Boy Lollipop

Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough"

Who Are They Guarding - Monty Python?

We have to agree with Michael Stickings, over on The Reaction (disclosure, this writer is a Contributing Editor there), that this, indeed, is the Photo of the Day!

New recruits of the Vatican's elite Swiss Guard march during the swearing in ceremony at Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican. The Swiss Guard, founded in 1506 and consisting of 100 volunteers who must be Swiss, Catholic, single, at least 174 centimetres tall and beardless, celebrate their 502nd anniversary this year.

Half harlequin, a little Medieval chest plate, mixed in with an homage to the doorman at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel in San Francisco.

How would they stop some crime?

Run over, and like they could sprint in those outfits, and have the criminal fall down, pissing himself laughing?

They look like something out of a Monty Python skit!

One day, lad, all this will be yours

"What, the curtains?

And the requirements ...Catholic and single ...

For the Vatican, the world's largest warehouse of men who like younger men who are "Catholic and single" ...

And dress like toys ...

Millie - My boy lollipop 1973

My Boy Lollipop

"You'll get up to 2,000 euros ... Do not touch his balls. You need the money. Put on some music, take out the [inaudible], swallow the Viagra, and adelante!"

Oh no, those boys at the Vatican are at it, again ...

Vatican hit by gay sex scandal ...Vatican chorister sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for papal gentleman-in-waiting

The Vatican was today rocked by a sex scandal reaching into Pope Benedict's household after a chorister was sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.

Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness, was caught by police on a wiretap allegedly negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Vatican chorister, over the specific physical details of men he wanted brought to him. Transcripts in the possession of the Guardian suggest that numerous men may have been procured for Balducci, at least one of whom was studying for the priesthood

We can look up the measurements, the square-miles Vatican City sits in, so, it's really well past time that they come out of the, undoubtedly, largest closet on the face of the earth.

I mean, they ship the the big wigs out of the United States, when the scandal of having sex with boys got too hot, and, what's waiting for them when the get there - a choir of dream boys, and people to procure them (no more of that messy business of running a parish).

They give them a veritable menu.

The Gay News Watch wasn't as demure as the Guardian, as our lead quote showed, on putting out the details;

The scandal now envelops Balducci, a well-known and powerful local figure who is married with two children, who despite all this is said to have taken remarkable risks in setting up sexual liaisons even in Chigi Palace, home of the Italian prime minister, or immediately after a private audience with a cardinal.

In 72 pages of transcribed wiretaps, Ehiem tells Balducci about one possible candidate: "Angelo ... I'll say no more. Two meters (6-foot-7), 97 kilos (250 lbs.), 33 years-old and completely active (top)."

In later calls, Ehiem offered fewer details: "I have a situation in Naples."

"I have a Cuban situation."

"I have a German who just arrived from Germany."

"I have two black guys."

"I have the soccer player."

"I have the dancer from RAI," the Italian TV network.

Some of the young men were seminarians or attended ecclesiastical colleges in Rome. On one occasion, Balducci is heard saying, "He, when does he have to return to the seminary?"

Well, Angelo Balducci, c'mon down, this song is for you!

Take it away, Millie Smalls!

Millie - My boy lollipop 1973




Bonus Vatican Riffs

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

Know Thy Pope

Beyond Repugnant

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Problems With Suing God

Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough" ...Late Pontiff's Bend Was Measured "Religiously"; Never Used Contingency "Roller Skate Gloves"

Beyond Repugnant

Considering they, as an organization, aided, abetted, and otherwise supported, the sexual (and mental) abuse of minors, this, doesn't necessarily, come as a surprise;

Vatican defends Brazil excommunication

A senior Vatican cleric has defended the excommunication of the mother and doctors of a nine-year-old girl who had an abortion in Brazil after being raped.

[Snip]

The row was triggered by the termination on Wednesday of twin foetuses carried by a nine-year-old allegedly raped by her stepfather in the Brazilian state of Pernambuco.

The regional archbishop, Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, pronounced excommunication for the mother for authorising the operation and doctors who carried it out for fear that the slim girl would not survive carrying the foetuses to term.

"God's law is above any human law. So when a human law ... is contrary to God's law, this human law has no value," Cardoso had said.

But it is, just the same, beyond repugnant.

Oh, I don't know, I'll take a wild stab at it and say, it's likely Jesus would be down for giving some aid and comfort to the NINE-YEAR-OLD CHILD THAT WAS RAPED!

At minimum, this Cardinal, the Vatican would have been better off, much like when their own priests were doing the raping, to be silent.

Or, using their platform to preach about the sanctity, and absolute moral imperative, of protecting children from abuse.

That, to me, would seem to be more in line with "God's Law".


Bonus Riffs

Know Thy Pope

Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough" ... Late Pontiff's Bend Was Measured "Religiously"; Never Used Contingency "Roller Skate Gloves"

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

Breaking News! Pontiff In Major Spread, Popemobile Giveaway ... Oprah Lands Pope Benedict XVI For Huge Tell-All Over Muslam Flap ...Either Apology or Conversion To Islam Promised In Teasers; Pontiff Turned Down By CBS News Free Speech

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible ... Catholic Church To Follow IRS Lead; Will Begin To Sell Confessions ...Move Forecasted To Be Boon For On-Line Porn, Gambling, and Divorce Industries

Pope, Vatican Relieved New Sex Scandal Is Adultery ...Videotape Flown To Rome; Teams of Lawyers, Denial Machine Stand Down

Know Thy Pope

I'm having a hard time finding it, but I could have sworn I heard someone - recently - refer to Pope Benedict as "The Vatican's Cheney".

It's quite likely this post will draw the wrath of the perpetual fuming smokestack, Catholic League President Bill Donohue, but hey, it might slip under the radar.

Donohue is, very likely, going to be going without sleep for about the next week (which could make him more dangerous), with the Head Honcho in-country ... So many comments to swat down ... So many critics to bully ...

Why would The Commander Guy be rolling out the red carpet for the Pope?

I mean, he would be doing this for Kim Jong Il, or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or any other monstrous criminal (Okay, I know he let's Cheney in the office every day)?

While, at first, I thought it odd, perhaps a blatant, feeble attempt to grab some approval ratings.

After all, getting your snapshot next to the man in PopeWear isn't bad for business ... Newspapers across the country will lap that up like Happy Soup!

Perhaps, his staff, to break up the day, of the lamest-of-lame President, trying to make him feel relevant, threw it on the schedule.

But then it hit me ...

Pope Benedict is Bush's kind of guy!

While The Commander Guy has his piddly, poltical scandals to lord over, PB is the Babe Ruth of ruthless, hardcore, monolithic stonewalling.

This guy wrote the book - literally!

Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (1981–2005)

In his capacity as Prefect, Ratzinger's 2001 letter “Crimen Sollicitationis” which clarified the confidentiality of internal Church investigations into accusations made against priests of certain crimes, including sexual abuse, became a target of controversy during the sex abuse scandal.[14] While bishops hold the secrecy pertained only internally, and did not preclude investigation by civil law enforcement, the letter was often seen as promoting a coverup.[15]

This refers to the "Crimen sollicitationis", which, in a nutshell, was the Vatican's way of telling their corps, especially regarding sex scandals, to "shut the fuck up, or else!"

Where do you think that got that line from in 'The Godfather', when Don Corleone chastises Sonny with "Never tell anyone outside the Family what you're thinking again!".

"British documentary alleges pope linked to "child abuse cover-up"

Before becoming head of the church, the then cardinal Joseph Ratzinger enforced church doctrinal orthodoxy, including a "secret Vatican decree which seemed to shelter the perpetrators and silence the victims of abuse", the Panorama programme said.

This was the 1962 document Crimen Sollicitationis, which told top churchmen how to deal with priests who "solicit or provoke the penitent toward impure and obscene matters", according to a translation from Latin on the BBC website.

It imposed an oath of secrecy on victims, witnesses and those probing abuse claims and said that anyone breaking this would be excommunicated, the BBC said.

Boy, doesn't that just make your heart swell with spiritual inspiration, how they really hit the nail-on-the-head, spreading the teachings of Jesus Christ like that?

I think that's one of my favorite passages in The Bible, when JC, witnessing repugnant, immoral child abuse, tells his apostles to keep it on the QT.

What do they call these guys - Princes of the Church?

So, as the MSM takes a breather from the campaign (or, in another light, rearms itself to bash one or the other candidates), splashing the Papal "Up Yours" tour across our pages and screens (maybe even pulling in Peggy Noonan, to have her do her version of Je T'aime Moi Non Plus, [Note: This is the great rendition, of Serge Gainsbourg and Brigitte Bardot] live, on television, for the new Pope, though, a little piece of her heart will be singing it for Ronnie), here's a little tip for you;

Get To Know Thy Pope!

He's a thug, he had a direct hand in perpetuating (in case you need clarification, that means, scores-of-hundreds, possibly thousands of young children, mostly boys, were sexual abused) the Priest Pedophile Scandal, when he, and a vast many others, could have, just as easily, put a stop to it.

If you want to say "Forgive Them Lord, They Know Not What They Do", that's not exactly accurate.

And that, sure as hell, is one helluva of a test for someone's faith ...


Bonus Pope Riffs

BBC: Warm US welcome for Pope Benedict; Pope Benedict XVI has received an unprecedented presidential greeting from George W Bush after arriving for his first official visit to the US.

The Boston Globe was on top of the Pedophile Priest story from the get-go, and you can go here and you can go here to check out a ton of material on the scandal.

ABC's Brian Ross: Then-Cardinal Ratzinger's Hand Slap - Then-Cardinal Ratzinger Became Upset When Asked About Sex Abuse in the Church

YouTube: Boston Clergy Abuse Scandal - Geoghan Documents Released

Barry Crimmins: Child Abuse - Mea Maxima Culpa

Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough"; Late Pontiff's Bend Was Measured "Religiously"; Never Used Contingency "Roller Skate Gloves"

News In Brief - OJ, Vatican Said To Sign Deal, Merge Hunts

Vatican Discounts "Bonfire Pope"; Says Flames "Not Hunched Over Enough"

Late Pontiff's Bend Was Measured "Religiously"; Never Used Contingency "Roller Skate Gloves".

The Vatican, this morning, dashed the hopes of a Polish photographer, indicating that a picture of a bonfire claiming to resemble Pope John Paul II, in his classic "blessing" pose, is not the late Pontiff.

After studying the photograph, the Vatican indicates that the "flames are not hunched over enough to be authentic."

"We can say this with certainty," offered a Vatican spokesperson.

"His Excellency was religiously measured, monitored and tracked, for the bend in his back. We have very precise measurements on this and the flames in the photo do not correspond to our records."

This disputes Service director Jarek Cielecki, a Polish priest, who had traveled to Beskid Zywiecki, in southern Poland, close to John Paul's birthplace, to review the photograph, taken by a local man, Gregorz Lukasik, of a bonfire set on April 2nd, to commemorate the second anniversary of the Polish Pontiff's death.

"You can see the image of a person in the flames and I think it is the servant of God, Pope John Paul II," he said.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Cielecki and Lukasik drew the attention of the Vatican, only after they allegedly signed deals with eBay and GoldenPalace.Com, to purchase the photograph, and the ashes left over from the bonfire.

It was said the price dropped due to the pair not being able to sell the bonfire, while it was lit, as well as not having the official endorsement of The Vatican.

A second rumor says that the sale was complicated by The Vatican's insistence of receiving a larger percentage of the sale.

New Discovery

In damping down the "Flaming Pope", as it is called inside The Vatican, journalists were offered to look over the voluminous register book on the recordings of Pope John Paul's hunched back.

Measurements were taken daily, and escalated to twice daily in his last few years, with specially-designed "Papal Calipers" and included weekly xrays.

Also included in the measurement book were detailed design sketches of what was titled "Roller Skate Gloves".

Officials in The Vatican were concerned that Pope John Paul's hunching was increasing, and, potentially, if he lived longer, he would be bent completely over and, in order to complete even some basic perfunctory tasks, as well as move around the vast Vatican palace, some mechanical device would be needed.

A wheel chair was ruled out by John Paul himself, not wanting to appear weak to his flock.

The specs for the "Roller Skate Gloves" called for them to be gold-plated, and trimmed in red.

In a related story, Catholic League President William Donohue lambasted liberals and gays, claiming that they were "biased and prejudiced" against flames resembling Catholics.

Bonus Vatican Riffs

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible; Catholic Church To Follow IRS Lead; Will Begin To Sell Confessions; Move Forecasted To Be Boon For On-Line Porn, Gambling, and Divorce Industries

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

Breaking News! Pontiff In Major Spread, Popemobile Giveaway; Oprah Lands Pope Benedict XVI For Huge Tell-All Over Muslam Flap; Either Apology or Conversion To Islam Promised In Teasers; Pontiff Turned Down By CBS News Free Speech

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Problems With Suing God

CHRIST SLEPT HERE: A TALE OF EASTER