Thousands Overwhelm Justice Sunday Rally
Sick and Infirm Disappointed; Came Seeking Faith Healers
'Justice Sunday', a program by conservative rightwing Christians calling for an end to liberal judges by Democrats, was marred as tens-of-thousands of sick and infirm people - some coming from as far away as Indonesia - overwhelmed the Kentucky megachurch, spilling out into the streets and setting off chaos.
They had mistakenly taken the rally as a faith-heeling session and refused to leave until they saw Dr. Bill Frist.
Sponsored by Tony Perkins and his Family Research Council, 'Justice Sunday' had a theme of "The Filibuster Against People of Faith". Posters for the event depicted a young man holding a Bible in one hand and a gavel in the other.
"I don't understand this" offered a beleaguered Perkins, as he worked with event security and local police in an attempt to control the crowd. "We exploited the rhetoric … We targeted the judges and the Democrats … It was very clear what tonight was supposed to be …"
Shortly after the program began at the Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky, with 3,000 already in attendance and speakers defending Rep. Tom DeLay, bashing Democrats and judges, calling the Supreme Court "unaccountable," and "out of control," streams of people began pouring into the church, disrupting the program.
They came with crutches and wheelchairs. One man carried his teenage daughter, who had braces on her legs. There were young children and elderly. They came clutching videotapes and DVD's, crying out for Dr. Frist and asking, begging that he heal them.
Frist, last month had correctly diagnosed the late Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul II, from watching videotape, and live broadcasts (see The Garlic April 5th - Frist Concurs With Vatican Diagnosis)
As the crowd grew, with bus loads of new arrivals pulling up at that church throughout the evening, local police were called in. Traffic for blocks surrounding the church was gridlocked. Police estimate the crowd at 10,000. Organizers hastily erected a tent awning and rigged up speakers in a section of the parking lot to accommodate the overflow crowd.
Frist, who participated in 'Justice Sunday' via a pre-taped video statement was tracked down by the event's organizers and, through a conference call, broadcast to the attendees, urged those who came seeking healing to be peaceful, and not disrupt the night's program any further.
Frist also offered that those with video's and DVD's could send them to his Washington office, where he will review them and offer his recommendations for treatment and healing.
Some of the sick and infirm left the church and, as of late last night, were camped out at the main post office in Louisville. The rest of the crowd remained at the church, conducting a vigil, and praying. Many of the 3,000 who came for 'Justice Sunday' joined in the vigil. Others left and game back with food and water.
There were unconfirmed reports that Perkins and his Family Research Council were making arrangements to bring in the family of Terri Schiavo to address the crowd. Paul O'Donnell, a Franciscan monk and the spiritual adviser to the Schindler family was said to en enroute to Kentucky.
When reached late in the evening, Perkins looked at the event optimistically.
"Maybe we have a new cause to mount here … We can start bashing the Democrats on healthcare and activist doctors …"
Overweight Protest New Study Results
Says Confused Over Health and Where Self-Esteem Should Be
Many overweight and obese people are protesting the new findings of a study released last week, saying that people who are a little overweight are likely to live longer than people who are underweight or obese. They say they are deeply confused as to where their self-esteem is, as well as what is healthy for them.
Reporting in the Journal of the American Medical Association, a team of doctors from the American Centres for Disease Control U.S. took data from three U.S. surveys about health and nutrition practices that spanned three-decades, from the 70's, through the 90's. The study only looked at how long people lived and not at obesity-related disease.
Using a measurement called Body Mass Index (BMI), with a range of 18.5 to 25 considered normal, that the people who had BMIs higher than 25 but lower than 30, which meant they were moderately overweight but not obese, did not have a reduced life expectancy.
A spokesperson for Jenny Craig, a provider of weight loss programs and diets, was dissatisfied with the findings of the study, saying "it left a lot of overweight people in limbo, not knowing if it was a good thing, or a bad thing". The spokesperson went on to say that it wasn't expected to see any loss of sales because of the study findings
Kirstie Alley, star of the popular cable program, 'Fat Actress, on the Showtime Network worried about the study
"God, what should I do? Should I worry about being a Fat Actress or start boasting that I'm going to live longer and be fine with it …And what's this going to do the show? … We may have to rewrite and reshoot scenes … I suppose we have to address this …"
Alley later stated that, looking at it in a different light, it could mean additionally work for her, perhaps extending the 'Fat Actress' series.
A spokesperson for the American Centres for Disease Control declined to address the concerns, indicating that all persons should maintain the best practices of a balance of healthy diets and exercise, and to maintain their proper body weight.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Monday 25 April 2005
Top Ten Cloves: Signs That You May Be A Fat Actress and Don't Know It
9. Your dry cleaner starts charging you double, to cover the extra chemicals needed
8. Liz Taylor is calling you out
7. On your day off, you visit Sea World; Shamu is intimidated and won't perform
6. Only half of you face can fit on the jumbo screen at the ballpark
5. Tom Arnold starts hitting on you
4. Your Spinning Class instructor has you walk to the fictitious location of the exercise
3. You're confused - Is the mirror in your dressing room a regular mirror or a fun house mirror?
2. Bakeries keep sending you heavily frosted layer cakes, looking for a product placement
1. Okay to be fat; New study shows it!
Friday, April 22, 2005
Friday 22 April 2005
Frist In Dispute Over Dem Bashing Telecast
Says Only Promised to "View Tape" for 'Justice Sunday'
Already facing one major battle in the Congress, over a threatened Democrat filibuster, Senate Leader Bill Frist is now drawing the anger of Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council over Perkins's planned 'Justice Sunday' telecast.
With a theme of "The Filibuster Against People of Faith", the program will be broadcast to churches and Christian radio and television networks. Perkins and other conservative religious leaders claim that the Democrats are blocking judicial nominees who oppose abortion rights on religious and moral grounds.
"Justice Sunday" will take place Sunday evening, at a Kentucky mega church. Posters for the event depict a young man holding a Bible in one hand and a gavel in the other. Though no names are mentioned on the poster, it does state "the filibuster against people of faith," and under that, copy reads: "The filibuster was once abused to protect racial bias, and it is now being used against people of faith."
Perkins also claims he had Frist's commitment to appear on the program.
A spokesperson for Frist stated the Senator was aware of the broadcast and never confirmed his participation at the event. Frist did however agree to view a videotape of the broadcast and/or a live broadcast. The spokesperson went on to say that viewing the videotape is where the Senator can be of most assistance.
Last month, Frist stunned the medical community, when he correctly diagnosed the late Teri Schiavo, from viewing 4-year-old videotape. Less then two-weeks following Schiavo, Frist correctly diagnosed the late Pope John Paul II, from watching tape, and live broadcasts of the Papal apartment (see The Garlic April 5th - Frist Concurs With Vatican Diagnosis)
Frist is drawing criticism from the National Council of Churches and the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism, who are planning to conduct a conference call with journalists today for his participation in the telecast. Democrats are calling his participation evidence of Republican extremism.
People for the American Way is buying advertisements and distributing church program inserts that attack Senator Frist for invoking religious faith in what it says is a partisan context. The National Council of Churches is asking members to organize news conferences denouncing Dr. Frist.
Other critics say that Frist's courting the religious right is merely to begin lining himself up for his speculated run for President in 2008. The evangelical Protestant groups and other religious traditionalists are the bedrock that formed President Bush's winning coalition. Frist, a member of the Presbyterian Church, which is considered religiously liberal, does not natural align the Bush's Conservative Christians.
Rev. Clifton Kirkpatrick, a top official of the Presbyterian Church U.S.A., plans on joining the protesters, believing that elected officials should not be bearing down weight for determining public policies on the bases of faith.
Perkins remains optimistic that he and his group can come to terms with Frist to have him appear on the 'Justice Sunday' broadcast.
"We understand that the Senator is a great doctor, and can do wonderful things with videotape. It would be a bigger inspiration if we can have him actually with us. We want the man that is going to stop the Democrats from discriminating against people with faith."
Surveys In: New Pope A Winner - And So Is Mortal Sin
Results from an MSNBC/Reuters polling show a surprising endorsement for the new Pope, Benedict XVI.
Over 10,000 Catholics and 10,000 Non-Catholics were surveyed and 68% of the Catholics believe Pope Benedict XVI is good for the church, while 61% on Non-Catholics believe the same.
A question asking if they were worried, being the new Pope was a Hitler Youth, that he is too much a hardliner, 58% of the Catholics answered 'No', while 78% of the Non-Catholics answered 'Yes'.
On the question of strictly enforcing the church's doctrine, being 'God's Rottweiler', 43% of Catholics thought he was more of a German Shepard and 63% of Non-Catholics saw him as a Doberman Pincer.
87%, from both groups believe that Cardinal Bernard Law is best depicted as a snake.
Both groups responded at 92% for 'Yes', when asked if they, like the television anchors, were fooled by the color of the Vatican smoke signal. 72% of Catholics felt it would be okay to use email to announce a new pope has been chosen, while 67% of Non-Catholics preferred faxes.
In a Catholics-Only question, 83% responded that they now only commit Mortal Sins and that Venial Sins were too "low-key" to be bothered with.
Top Ten Cloves: Things NBC Will Do To Lift The Sagging Today Show
9. Save some budget and lose the studio - Do the entire show outside on 49th Street
8. This year, have Matt Lauer grow his hair really long, like Johnny Damon
7. Bring back Tom Brokaw; Have him do daily critique of Brian Williams newscasts
6. Let Katie Couric do one of her signature hard-hitting series and accompany O.J. Simpson in his search for the killers
5. Allow Willard Scott to cheat - Anyone 95-99-years-old gets a Smuckers 100th Birthday Greeting
4. Run a Texas Hold'em series between financial advisors Jean Chatzky and Suze Orman
3. On his next “Where in the World is Matt Lauer” annual trip, make him dress like Carmen Sandiego
2. Hire only attractive super models to gawk in the windows during the broadcast
1. Bring back Dave Garroway's Chimp and let him run the show
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Thursday 21 April 2005
Backs Iraqi Calls For Execution; Swift Delivery of Death Sentence If Guilty Guaranteed
President Bush is considering a change of venue for the trial of Sadam Hussein, and moving it to Texas. The news backs calls in Iraqi for the execution of Hussein, if found guilty of war crimes.
Since 1976, Texas leads the nation in executions.
Ali Dabagh, a spokesman for the largest bloc of the new Iraqi government, the clergy-led United Iraqi Alliance, which holds 140 seats in Iraq's 275-member National Assembly, is calling for Hussein to be executed if found guilty.
'We feel he is a criminal. He is the number one criminal in the world. He is a murderer."
Dabagh also called for new Iraqi President Jalal Talabani to resign if he objects. The Iraqi leader opposes capital punishment.
White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said the President is "very open" to moving the Hussein trial to Texas and is "confident" the former Iraqi dictator will get a "fair trial".
Inside sources say that Bush is worried over the delays in establishing a government in Iraqi and that the trial of Hussein will further inflame the insurgency. Hussein and his top lieutenants were to be put in trial before a Special Tribunal that was put in place in late 2003.
Court TV has applied to the White House to televise the trial of Hussein. The BBC, Al-Jazeera and E! also have applications in.
"Moving it to Texas would be great", said Fred Graham, Court TV's anchor and managing editor. "We might be able to get it on primetime".
Since the Supreme Court lifted the ban on capital punishment in 1976, over 957 executions have been carried out. Texas leads the nation in executions, performing over 340. Bush was Governor of Texas when over half the executions took place and it was a issue in Bush's presidential campaign.
This week, Texas was scheduled to carry out a rare double execution. Last night, two men convicted of separate murders were to receive lethal injections. Douglas Roberts, 42 was executed however Milton Mathis, 26, got a reprieve when the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals said his case should be reviewed because of claims he may be mentally retarded
"The President is confident", McClellan offered, "that if found guilty of his crimes, Hussein would receive swift execution of his sentence - whatever that may be - in Texas".
McClellan said the President understood that Iraqi's may object, and will want the trial to take place in Baghdad
McClellan went on to say that should Iraqi become a state (The Garlic April 12 - Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State), it would be that much easier to move the Hussein trial to Texas.
Egypt Protests New U.S. Use of Pyramids
Says Mocking Historic Culture and Islam; Call for American Food Boycott
Egypt is expected today to formally protest to the Bush Administration its MyPyramid, the new food guidance system released on Tuesday by Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns.
Nabil Fahmy, the ambassador of the Arab Republic of Egypt to the United States said in a press conference yesterday that the MyPyramid "mocks the historic culture" of Egypt, who has pyramids going back to 4,600-years.
"President Mubarak is very distressed over this", offered Fahmy. "He is worried, as is many Egyptians, that fat Americans will only know of this food pyramid, and not the rich history Egypt's pyramids."
Johanns, in a lively press conference on Tuesday, complete with colorful charts and video, said the new MyPyramid program, which replaces original Food Guide Pyramid introduced in 1992, is tailored to age and daily physical activity, and emphasizes the need for a more individualized approach to improving diet and lifestyle.
"MyPyramid was developed to carry the messages of the dietary guidelines and to make Americans aware of the vital health benefits of simple and modest improvements in nutrition, physical activity and lifestyle behavior".
Johanns was joined in the announcement by fitness guru Denise Austin, a member of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports, to help unveil the new guide.
Fahmy indicated that Egypt is considering a boycott on American foods.
"I don't think Americans would be pleased to see Egypt take a United States cultural or religious artifact and make mockery of it".
A spokesperson from the Agricultural Department indicated that Secretary Johanns was unaware of any Egyptian protest and that many ideas and symbols were considered in developing a new food guidance system, including using the Eiffel Tower, The Great Wall of China and Sistine Chapel
Top Ten Cloves: New Pope's Pet Peeves
10. Needs funds for padded seats in the Sistine … His ass is still sore, and it was only four-ballots
9. Always thought you couldn't wear white after Labor Day
8. The way they got me locked up here, I gotta figure out how I can get my World Cup bet placed next year
7. I'm not going to have the time to keep up with my blog
6. Keep the trips to Poland down to one-dayers … I mean, the guy was in here forever and I can't take another pierogi
5. Disappointed the Papal apartment doesn't have cable
4. You think they could'a put a decent coffee place in St. Peter's Square, instead of having to walk six-blocks
3. Man, wish I had my BMW … They're gonna make me ride that lemon, the Pope Mobile …
2. Make note; Get that smart-ass cardinal from Philadelphia to stop calling me Pope Benny
1. Have to look into changing the rules, so that the newly-elected Pope can get a hit off the spliff that gives the white smoke
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Wednesday 20 April 2005
Brady To Retire From Patriots
SNL Offers Long-Term Contract; "Only Downhill" As QB Left
In a stunning press conference yesterday, Tom Brady, star quarterback for the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots, announced his retirement from football, to move onto a new career as a cast member of 'Saturday Night Live'.
Brady was a guest host on the program last Saturday
"I'm just a humble football player on the Lord's gridiron", beamed Brady, flashing his famous smile.
Brady cited, among other factors, that SNL producer Lorne Michaels offered a long-term contract, something the New England Patriots have yet to do. Brady, as it stood, was due to become a free agent following the 2006 season.
"Things have happened kind of fast for me … Winning three Super Bowls so early in my career … It's probably all downhill from here and Lorne is giving me something the Patriots haven't put on the table … "
Brady's announcement, stunned the Patriot's brass. Coach Bill Belichek and owner Bob Kraft both refused comment and a PR staffer testily stated that there would be a press conference tomorrow.
Citing the long-term contract appears to be biting back at the Patriots. Under the leadership of Kraft and Belichek, the Patriots have employed a strategy - successful so far - of not paying large contracts, trading or cutting key players.
Following winning their third Super Bowl in four-years, popular veteran wide receiver Troy Brown was let go. Two years ago the Patriots cut veteran safety, and perhaps one of the league's best, Lawyer Malloy. Numerous other players have either been let go, or, through free agency, have gone to other teams, and larger contracts.
"The Patriot's", said one sources close to the team, "have a certain dollar figure tied to each position. You want to go over that figure, you're going to do it on another team … They just won't pay it".
As to SNL, producer Lorne Michaels stated that "Brady showed us something …"
"He has a lot of potential and he really fit in with the other cast members. That's not something that happens every week. He worked hard and we feel comfortable bringing him into our family".
Brady, whose fiancé, is actress Bridget Moynahan, will see spot roles for the reminder of the current SNL season, while taking some acting and voice lessons. He will become a full cast member next October and his contract runs through the 2009 season.
Brady indicated he'll miss "some of the action" and the rolling rallies, but otherwise is comfortable with his decision.
"Hey, maybe I can win three Oscars, or Emmy's or whatever they give out … Wouldn't that be a kick …"
Justice Dept. Moving on Red Sox Incident
Considers Terrorist Charges, Special Rendition For Interfering Fans
The incident of fan interference during last Thursday's game between the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox is heating up. Having been investigated by the Red Sox, Major League Baseball and the Boston Police, the Justice Department announced yesterday that they may take over, implying that it may be part of a larger plot.
A spokesperson for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales confirmed that the Justice Department was "very interested" in the matter and is in the process of taking over the investigation on the grounds of national security.
During the game, a ball hit by Jason Varitek of the Red Sox into deep rightfield, where fans are close to the field, was fielded by Yankee Gary Sheffield. As various fans leaned over the short wall in an attempt to scoop the baseball, one fan, later identified as Christopher B. House allegedly struck Sheffield in the face, while another unidentified fan threw a cup of beer at Sheffield.
The Yankee outfielder initially pushed back at House, but restrained himself as Red Sox security and Boston Police moved into the area. While the game was delayed a matter of minutes, no further incident developed.
After investigating, the Red Sox revoked the season tickets of House. The Boston Police are currently seeking a criminal complaint against House, and the unidentified beer thrower.
The Justice Department spokesperson that the Attorney General himself is taking interest in this case.
"We seen a certain amount of "chatter" and we have concerns", he confirmed.
He also confirmed that a team of investigators - some who have been working on another case involving the New York Yankees (see The Garlic, Monday 18 April - Steinbrenner Calls In FBI To Hunt For 'Real' Yankee's) - has been in Boston, conducting interviews and building a background for the Justice Department to take over the case.
Asked if this was involving terrorism, the spokesperson stated that nothing has been ruled out.
Potentially, House and the unidentified fan could be placed under Special Rendition, the secret government program of kidnapping suspected terrorist and flying them to foreign countries for interrogation.
"We don't know what we are looking at but we will err on the side of protecting the United States. Attorney General Gonzales has authorized the full implement of tools to solve this matter"
Top Ten Cloves: What ABC Will Replace Monday Night Football With
9. ESPN's All-Time Bloopers
8. Those Darn Emails! … Wink Martindale-hosted new series where emails of ABC stars are read on-air
7. The Divorced Bachelor
6. According To Martha!
5. Vatican's Funniest Home Videos
4. Where Are They Now? … A look back at the Enron Executives
3. The Tom DeLay Religion Hour
2. Desperate Television Executives Who Lost Monday Night Football
1. New Game Show - The Last Pope Standing
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Tuesday 19 April 2005
Washington Bombshell!
Gingrich To Bump Delay, Retake Top House Role
Loophole in warranty of his Contract for America Gives Edge; Never Cancelled
In a strong rebuke to the embattled Tom DeLay, Newt Gingrich announced yesterday that he will resume his role in Congress as House Majority Leader.
Gingrich, Time Magazine's 1995 "Man of the Year", charged that DeLay is "dragging down the Republican party" and that someone "needs to step forward and put an end to it"
Gingrich says he is invoking a clause, buried on the back pages of his Contract with America, that gives him the power to take such action. The clause was an Evergreen clause, needing one or two parties to cancel it within 30-days, in writing. Gingrich's Contract with America was never, officially, cancelled.
Capital Hill scrambled yesterday as the news reached Senators and Congressmen.
Voting in the House was suspended, as Speaker of the House Dennis Hasbert hastily called all committee chairs into an emergency session.
Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist gave tepid and cautious statements. Insiders believe that Gingrich could be lining up against Frist for the 2008 Presidential race.
Gingrich rose to power in 1994, leading the Republican Party to recapture the majority in the House. His Contract with America, introduced in the weeks prior to the 1994 Congressional elections was a national conservative revolution, recommending specific actions to be taken, and was overwhelming endorsed by Republicans.
Within the first 100 days of the new Republican majority, 9 of the 10 points published in this contract were passed by the House. Many of the sections of the Contract failed to pass in the Senate, or to overcome President Clinton's veto however, Gingrich claimed victory as to delivering on the promise of introducing bills as outlined by the Contract.
Gingrich was a vocal advocate for the impeachment of President Clinton so his current move to retake his House Majority position has a certain amount of irony - Gingrich himself was chased out of office in 1998, by ethics charges, including having a extra-martial affair.
Tom DeLay is said to be stunned and livid at the Gingrich move. A House staffer said the DeLay was meeting with Republican leaders, including RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman and said DeLay expects the House Republicans to stand behind him and block the Gingrich move.
White House Spokesman Scott McClellan indicated the White House was monitoring the situation and had no comment.
Representative Nancy Pelosi of California, the Democratic leader said that she was confident that the country could not take "both Gingrich and DeLay", adding that she doubts "there's enough soft money out there to keep them both happy"
McDonalds Celebrates 50th Birthday
Introducing New Finger Food Menu
The fast food giant McDonald's celebrated its' 50th birthday last week by announcing a new Finger Food menu to mark the occasion.
McDonald’s was founded by Ray Kroc on April 15, 1955 in the Chicago suburb of Des Plaines and has grown into an international
force, with 30,000 local restaurants serving nearly 50 million people in more than 119 countries each day.
Famed for its' golden arches, McDonald's has been the leader and trendsetter for the fast food industry.
To celebrate its' 50th birthday, Mike Roberts, President and Chief Operating Officer, McDonald's Corporation announced a new, diet-conscious menu of Finger Foods. All of McDonald's favorites, from Big Mac's to Chicken Nuggets and apple pie will be available in this new menu.
Industry analysts say the move to Finger Foods is a bold step by McDonald's, coming in the midst of the Wendy's controversy.
Last month, a woman in California charged that she discovered a partial human finger in her Wendy's food. As the investigation moved forward, evidence surfaced dismissing the credibility of the woman, suggesting she placed the finger herself. Wendy's recently increased its' reward for information about the finger to $100,000.
Said one analyst;
"They'll either hit a homerun and serve another 10-billion people, or it will be a bust"
Top Ten Cloves: If Detroit Free Press Had Mitch Albom Cover The Boston Marathon
9. Officials at the Boston Athletic Organization …
8. Tradition has the race passing by Fenway Park, where the Red Sox play an 12Noon game each Marathon Day
7. The race was started by the legendary Johnny Kelly
6. I had a good spot, at the finish line, right in front of the Prudential Building
5. And the pain for the runners increases, close to the end, as the they trudge up Heart Attack Hill
4. From near the starting line in Holliston …
3. While thousands jam the course, the rest of Boston is celebrating Paul Revere Day
2. Of course, back in 1980, there was the famous imposter, Rachel Roses ...
1. Running for the first time were two former stars for Michigan State, Mateen Cleaves and Jason Richardson
Monday, April 18, 2005
Monday 18 April 2005
Steinbrenner Calls In FBI To Hunt For 'Real' Yankee's'
Homeland Security Looks At Possible Terrorist Plot; MLB Considers Shutdown
Agents and investigators of both the FBI and Homeland Security descended on Yankee Stadium early last evening to begin one of the largest manhunts in U.S. history. Their target may be the baseball team, the New York Yankees
As his team flopped into losing their eighth game out of the last ten, owner George Steinbrenner became very concerned that his team was not the 'true Yankees' and, after contacting General Manager Brian Cashman, Steinbrenner called into the FBI to seek their assistance.
A command post has been set-up at Yankee Stadium and agents have been dispatched to Tampa Bay, Florida, where the Yankees are scheduled tonight to compete against the Tampa Bay Devilrays. Additional agents have been sent to all 30 teams of Major Baseball to begin investigating and collecting witness statements.
The Yankees and Devilrays are currently tied for last place in the American League Eastern Division.
Steinbrenner stated he felt something was amiss, as the team started the season very 'sluggishly".
"I am bitterly disappointed, as I am sure all Yankee fans are, by the lack of performance by our team. It is unbelievable to me that the highest-paid team in baseball would start the season in such a deep funk".
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales did confirm that the Justice Department has been contacted and it was Gonzales who, in addition to the FBI investigating, called in Homeland Security officials. Gonzales indicated that recent terrorist chatter has been "high" and there are concerns that there could be some level of terrorist involvement.
In Tampa Bay, FBI agents are collecting and examining fingerprints and DNA samples for those that say they are New York Yankees. Results of those tests may take days, even weeks to complete.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig released a statement that Major League Baseball is offering "full cooperation" to the investigation and his office is monitoring the situation "by the hour". There is speculation that, if the case isn't solved in the next 24-hours, Selig may shutdown baseball, as a precaution for any other teams being taken over or damaged in this plot.
The FBI, in a brief statement, stated that no subjects are being ruled out as possible suspects. Washington insiders say the FBI is tracking down a rumor that drug lords and pharmaceutical companies may be involved, as retribution for the steroid hearings and possible ban of steroids in baseball.
Sideways Team Uncorks Again
Begin Shoot on Sequel, Rightside-Up
Who knew the runaway 2004 smash hit film, 'Sideways', was only the first installment of a trilogy?
'Sideways' was the sleeper hit of 2004, winning an Academy and Writer's Guild Awards for Best Adapted Screenplay, as well as two Golden Globe Awards for Best Picture and Best Screenplay. Thomas Haden Church was also nominated in the Academy's Best Supporting Actor category and 'Sideways' was the top selections of both the New York and Toronto Film Festivals.
Producers Michael London and George Parra have cast and crew together again for the second chapter, 'Rightside-Up', which begins principal shooting in Madison, Wisconsin this week.
Where 'Sideways' had Miles Raymond, played by Paul Giamatti and Jack, by Haden Church, touring through California's wine country, 'Rightside-Up' will have the introspective pair visiting the cheese capital of Wisconsin. Carrying over their oenophile skills, Jack and Miles seek out the perfect cheese to accompany a fine Merlot.
"That's kind of a running joke", offered London. "Where we, somewhat dissed merlot in the first film, we thought we'd make it up to it in this film".
In 'Sideways', Miles declares, in a rather disparaging manner, his dislike for merlot
Wine industry analysts stated that, while merlot did take a bit of a dip in sales, 'Sideways', overall, boosted the wine sales, perhaps as high as 15%.
London was tight-lipped as to the storyline for 'Rightside-Up'. He indicated that Maya and Stephanie, played by Sandra Oh and Virginia Madsen, will have roles in the story but declined to state how large a presences they will have, even hinting that Miles and Jack may meet with some 'cheese girls'.
London offered that during the shooting of 'Rightside-Up', some scenes for the third and final installment, 'Upside Down', will be shot. London refused to discuss the storyline or characters for 'Upside Down'.
Top Ten Cloves: Reason People Filed Their Taxes Late
9. Busy having fight with Gary Sheffield in rightfield at Fenway Park
8. Use the Chinese calendar - Have three more months before having to file
7. Feels the EZ Form is so easy, IRS should know what my return will say
6. Accidentally threw return in Boston Harbor, during Boston Tea Party Reenactment
5. Had identity stolen; Thought the thief was the one who has to file
4. Already sent it - Mitch Albom says so in his column
3. Believes IRS is "against people of faith" and refuse to send return so government can pay activist judges
2. Busy hunting stray cats in Wisconsin
1. Waiting for call to see if they elected to be new Pope
Friday, April 15, 2005
Friday 15 April 2005
Jackson Trial Nixes Tradition
Papal Conclave Party Moves To The Netherlands
Vatican officials announced today that the 'Boys Night Out' party, the long-standing, traditional pre-conclave bash has been moved to The Netherlands due to the extended trial of Michael Jackson.
With Pope John Paul II's failing health, the Papal Party Planner had booked Jackson's Neverland Ranch over three-years ago. However, with the trial still in-session, alternate plans were put in place that will have the College of Cardinals whooping it up in Amsterdam this weekend, before beginning the conclave to select the new Pope on Monday.
Many of the cardinals were disappointed.
Speaking for the group, Cardinal Bernard Law said that "…we were really looking forward to Neverland. We have heard so much about it and were very excited about going there".
A Neverland Ranch spokesperson, who confirmed the booking and indicated the group was still welcome, admitted that there wasn't much of a 'party atmosphere' at Neverland while the trial is still going on.
'Boys Night Out is steeped in tradition as a pre-conclave event.
Before the advent of air travel, the Vatican would rent out the Coliseum for 'Boys Night out'. Copious amounts of food and wine were consumed and the Cardinals partied for days.
In 1963, following the death of Pope John XXIII, the conclave members flew to Las Vegas and there was speculation that Pope Paul I's papacy was the result of a lost wager.
Pope John Paul II's 'Boys Night Out' was held in Monte Carlo.
Amsterdam officials were excited by the news that they would be hosting the pre-conclave party.
"I don't think Amsterdam will ever see so much red" offered a spokesperson.
Derby Considers Child Jockeys From Qatar
Bush Admn Offers No Child Left Behind Funding, Immigration Waiver
The horse racing industry was rocked yesterday when officials at Churchill Downs hinted that they may experiment with this years' Kentucky Derby by using child jockeys.
This comes on the heels of Qatar and the United Arab Emirates moving to robots to replace the child jockeys of their popular camel racing industry.
The Bush Administration is reportedly backing the venture. Desperate for some good news for it's No Child Left Behind program, they may offer some funding for the project, as well as easing immigration rules that would allow Churchill Downs to bring in the child jockeys in time for the Kentucky Derby.
A spokesperson for the Association of Racing Commissioners International indicated the board would have a 'wait-and-see' position. Officials at Aqueduct, Pimlico, Hollywood Park were all cautious in their statements, voicing similar attitudes.
Jockey clubs denounced the move.
Lafitt Pincay, recently retired due to injury, and the world's winningest jockey said he was disgusted.
"First lampposts, and booze decanters … Now this - children …"
The rather sudden availability of veteran child jockeys comes as Qatar and the United Arab Emirates move to robots, chiefly over concern and international criticism that they were exploiting and abusing children. A Swiss company has developed and successfully tested the camel-riding robots.
Churchill Downs officials dismissed concerns, indicating the child jockeys would be well-cared for and treated as regular jockeys and employees of the track.
With the funding from No Child Left Behind, special tutors will be brought in so that, between races and workouts, the children can receive a normal education.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated the President was thrilled with "some positive news regarding No Child Left Behind".
Reportedly, talks are underway between Churchill Downs and Armstrong Williams, for Williams to conduct PR work for the derby and the child jockey program.
Top Ten Cloves: Ways Senate and Congress Republicans Will Overhaul Justice System
9. Instead of lifetime appointments, now rounds of 10-Minute Justice - just like the dating thing
8. Do like baseball - Use Christian colleges as a farm-team system to develop rightwing, conservative judges
7. All cases with life-or-death, or faith-based elements go to the floor to vote on verdict and let Congress decide case
6. Will make activist judges pay - with checks to Tom DeLay's Fact Finding Fund
5. Judges must now have skills to smote guilty defendants
4. Instead of chain-gangs, now Bible-Reading-gangs
3. Bring back stoning
2. Throw out Bill of Rights; Base justice system on 'A Purpose Driven Life'
1. Disband the entire system and give it all to Judge Judy
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Thursday 14 April 2005
Minutemen Heading To Wisconsin Cat Hunt
'Can't Shoot Illegal Aliens', Says Leader
On Monday, soon after outdoorsman in Wisconsin approved a proposal to legalize the killing of feral, or free-roaming cats, Jim Gilchrest, leader of the controversial Minutemen Project, issued the order for his members to start packing for the cheese state.
"They're going to need some help up there", stated Gilchrest
The Minutemen, largely recruited from the Internet, have been voluntarily patrolling the U.S. border in Arizona to protect against the wave of undocumented workers, in an effort to augment the undermanned federal agencies. While critics have labeled the Minutemen as vigilantes, Gilchrist argues that it is within their constitutional rights to assemble and that the group is peaceful.
The Minuteman patrol the border in shifts and radio the Border Patrol with coordinates if and when they discover any attempted border crossings.
The Wisconsin proposal would allow licensed hunters to kill free-roaming cats, including any domestic cat that isn't under the owner's direct control or any cat without a collar.
Governor James Doyle denounced the plan on Wednesday and doubts that plan will be enacted. Numerous groups, including the Humane Society and the Madison Audubon Society have said the plan is cruel and inhuman.
Experts estimate that over two million feral cats roam Wisconsin, and the state says that studies show that the cats kill 47 million to 139 million songbirds a year. The Wisconsin Conservation Congress, a public advisory group, that would classify wild, free-roaming cats as an unprotected species that kills song birds and other wildlife.
Governor Doyle also stated that the Arizona Minutemen would not be welcomed in Wisconsin.
Gilchrist cited the vote by the outdoorsman - 6,830 to 5,201 in favor of hunting the cats - as his mandate and indicated that he has been contacted by parties encouraging the Minuteman to come to Wisconsin.
"My guys are getting itchy", stated Gilchrist. "I mean, after all, we can't shoot the illegals".
Hooters Applauds FDA Breast Implant Vote
Opens Doors For More Woman To Become 'Hooter Girls'
Hooter's of America, the casual beach-themed restaurant chain, hailed yesterday's F.D.A. vote to make silicone breast implants available to woman again, after a 13-year ban. A company spokesperson stated that this 'opens the door for more woman to become Hooter Girls'.
The F.D.A's 7-to-2 vote approved an application by the Mentor Corporation, a day after a similar application by Inamed Corporation was rejected in a 5-to-4 vote. Panel members were satisfied with the long-term safety of Mentor's devices.
The voting came after three-days of hearings, of often impassioned testimony, both for and against, allowing silicone breast implants on the market. Dozens of woman gave graphic testimony on the illness and disfiguration their implants caused, while others testified to their safety and boost in self-esteem.
Nearly all studies have found no link between silicone implants and serious disease.
Hooter's, with over 375 restaurants in 46 states, as well as Argentina, Aruba, Austria, Brazil, Canada, Chile, England, Guatemala, Mexico, Singapore, Switzerland, Taiwan, Taipei and Venezuela, has long been criticized for their exploitation of woman.
Waitresses and hostesses, Hooter Girls, as they are known, are required to wear uniforms of orange shorts and a white tank top, short-sleeve or long-sleeve T-shirt, with pantyhose and bras being required.
Hooter's defends it's policy, stating on their website;
Claims that Hooters exploits attractive women are as ridiculous as saying the NFL exploits men who are big and fast. Hooters Girls have the same right to use their natural female sex appeal to earn a living as do super models Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell. To Hooters, the women's rights movement is important because it guarantees women have the right to choose their own careers, be it a Supreme Court Justice or Hooters Girl.
The spokesperson pointed out that woman hold upper management position with Hooters and highlighted Kat Cole, Vice President of Training and Development. Cole started her career at Hooters as a Hooters Girl.
Hooters plans to bring attention the silicone breast implant vote with their upcoming 2005 Hooters International Swimsuit Pageant in June, in Miami, Florida. Boasting the Hooter's pageant is the world's richest, offering over $150,000 in cash and prizes, plans are being made to offer a new, Silicone Breast Implant category.
The pageant is open to only Hooter Girls and talks are underway to have members of the F.D.A. serve as judges for the new Implant category
Top Ten Cloves: Tax Deductions People Will Try To Get Away This Year
9. Donald Trumps' apprentices
8. Research for job - The thousand of iTunes you download
7. Now with FDA approval, silicone breast implants
6. At least six of the members of the new Iraqi Parliament as dependents
5. Heart medication needed after Red Sox won World Series
4. All the extra food bought in attempt to be cast on 'Fat Actress'
3. Gambling losses on Poker.Com - special tip from Bill Bennett
2. Black turtleneck, ski mask and mileage you use for the Special Renditions
1. Religion - The 800 copies of 'A Purpose Driven Life' that you annoyed your friends and co-workers with
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Wednesday 13 April 2005
Sesame Street Goes Dark Over Dispute
Cookie Monster, Count Balks At Planned Healthy Foods Slant
Sesame Street, for the time being, is being brought to you by the letter "S" - for Strike.
After the Sesame Workshop Company, producers of Sesame Street, announced last month a new 'Healthy Habits for Life' initiative, one of it's stars, Cookie Monster, has refused to go on air. He was soon joined by Count Van Count, leaving producers the only option of shutting down taping of the popular children's program.
'Healthy Habits for Life' launched on April 4th, to coincide with Sesame Street’s 36th season. The initiative included a series of public service messages featuring Sesame Street characters and members of Congress, including Senators Hillary Clinton (D-NY), Christopher Dodd (D-CT), Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) and others.
The PSA's were sent to television outlets across the country as the new season was to spotlight health issues with children, such as obesity, as well as the importance of physical fitness, healthy nutrition and personal hygiene.
According to his agent, Cookie Monster was not to be included in the 'Healthy Habits' segment.
"He's spent decades building up a character … He's type-cast … This would be a disaster for the Cook. It would cost him millions in endorsements".
Last minute talks, that had producers offering to substitute vegan or sugar-free cookies was declined by Cookie Monster.
Producers planned to work the 'Healthy Habits around Cookie Monster's shooting schedule, when another crises arose.
Count Van Count announced that, after undergoing treatment for depression, it was discovered he suffered from Repressed Memory Syndrome and wanted a new contract that would allow him to drink blood on the program. The Count soon joined Cookie Monster on the sidelines and producers halted taping.
A spokesperson for Sesame Street Workshop said that talks are on-going, progress is being made and they hope to have a resolution soon so taping can resume. It was also stated that the 'Healthy Habits for Life' PSA's will continue to run, as scheduled.
Rumsfeld Stumps In Iraq For Statehood
Warns Corruption, Civil Strife Could Derail Efforts
After announcing on Monday, plans to make Iraq the 51st state, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made an unannounced visit to Iraqi, to confer with leaders and warn the corruption and civil turbulence could delay the efforts of statehood.
The Garlic, in an exclusive, reported on Tuesday the Bush Administrations plans to have Iraq become a U.S. state (Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State)
The surprise visit, not announced due to security precautions, had Rumsfeld meeting with newly elected Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari and Jalal Talabani, the Kurdish militia leader. Rumsfeld stressed to the Iraqi leaders that they must press forward and complete the formation of their government, which included drafting a constitution. The delays in doing so, Rumsfeld warned, drain support in the U.S. Congress to act on President Bush's proclamation for Iraqi statehood.
In the meeting, the Associated Press reported that Rumsfeld was peppered with questions as to how many congressman and senators Iraq would be allotted, when can they start receiving funds, and can they take special research trips like Congressman Tom DeLay takes.
A significant amount of time was spent discussing Federal holidays. The Iraqi's inquired if they are bound to observe the Martin Luther King Day, July 4th and Veteran's Day. Rumsfeld indicate they are bound, but also, as a state, they can establish an unlimited number of state holidays.
Following the meeting, Rumsfeld acknowledged that there are "challenges" but that "more and more Iraqi's are picking up on the cause of the new government" and are ready to "embrace statehood".
In a related story, President Bush, speaking yesterday to soldiers at Fort Hood, noted that trained Iraqi soldiers now outnumber U.S. forces in Iraqi.
Additionally, and to help the Iraqi leaders sell statehood, and get dipped in American culture, the President boasted that the toppling of the Sadam statue and freeing Iraqi two-years ago was just like Bobby Thompson's homerun in the 1951 playoff game for the New York Giants.
Top Ten Cloves: President Bush's Suggestions To Israel On The Gaza Withdrawal
9. President can nose around and see if there's anything for sale around Crawford, Texas
8. Start a rumor: Tell the settlers to move before John Bolton takes his post at the United Nations, or they're on their own
7. Will have a word with Wolfowitz at the World Bank about getting some low-interest loans for the settlers
6. Hey, U.S. controls Iraq .. Should be able to carve out some prime real estate for the settlers
5. Will see if Donald Trump can put together a team of Apprentices to work on the problem
4. In case of Civil War, America won't send solders, but only the actors from the reenactments to assist - they have all the gear
3. Tell the settlers it's for a special edition of Extreme Makeover
2. Offer the settlers free iPods for moving
1. Start a rumor: That if found innocent, Michael Jackson plans on moving into the area
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Tuesday 12 April 2005
Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State
DC Ignored; Puerto Rico Bumped Back To 52nd 'Unofficial' State
President Bush, and the White House, dropped a bombshell yesterday, when it was intimated that the Bush Administration is preparing legislation to make Iraq the 51st state of the USA.
Faced with mounting criticism, from Congress, the general public and internationally, and with funding battles looming, inside sources say that a troika of Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Chief of Staff Andrew Card have been building a coalition of Senators and Congressman to endorse a proclamation by the President to make Iraq the 51st state.
Bypassing a special Enabling Act, which hasn’t been ruled out by Cheney, Congress, with the coalition behind it, could pass a bill recognizing Iraq as a state.
It was reported that establishing Iraq as a territory of the United States was briefly discussed, however, that avenue presented limited options as to funneling more funds for the seeds of democracy. It was argued that the current U.S. occupation of Iraq essentially amounted to Iraq being a territory.
As a state, Iraq would be eligible for a wide variety of funding, from numerous government agencies, including the lucrative Federal Transportation Department budget. Card pointed out the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and its' capital, the City of Boston, for the billions they received, with almost unchecked usage, for it's plagued 'Big Dig' project.
The key delay in making this move has been the laborious, dragged out Iraqi January voting and vote counting, as well as the subsequent in-fighting in choosing a cabinet for the newly elected Iraqi parliament. Additionally, Cheney and Card have reportedly quarreled over whether Iraq would be a 'state' or a 'commonwealth'.
Reaction to the reports stunned House and Senate Democrats, including eight-term District of Columbia Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. The District of Columbia has been fighting for statehood since 1970.
Holmes was particularly outraged at the reported off-the-cuff dismissal by Cheney, who, at a breakfast meeting, allegedly stated; "What's their gripe? We're giving them back baseball this year .. What more do they want?"
Cheney was referring to the new Washington Nationals, Major League Baseball's return to the Capital for the first time since 1970, when the former Washington Senators closed down and the team moved to Texas to become the Texas Rangers - a team once owned by President Bush.
"If the Vice-President thinks baseball is the answer for statehood, then let's ship the team to Wyoming and we'll have DC take their place as a state".
The criticism was swift from the U.S. Territory of Puerto Rico, who has been impatiently waiting for statehood recognition from the U.S. since 1898, when the U.S. took control of the island from Spain, following the Spanish-American War.
Sila M. Calderon, the first women governor of Puerto Rico, elected in November 2000, indicated this sets back Puerto Rico efforts to become a state and fuels the opposition, the segment of Puerto Ricans who favor becoming an independent nation.
"What are they all loco up there? Puerto Rico is a very vibrant Commonwealth, that costs the United States over $10-billion-a-year to maintain as a territory. Give us the full statehood and let our economy grow, just like they did with Hawaii and Alaska … And who flies off to Alaska for a weekend, anyway?"
Numerous U.S. Presidents have primed Puerto Rico's hopes for statehood, going back to the Eisenhower administration, less for Puerto Rico's benefit and more as a launching base for the long-sought war with Cuba.
In Iraqi, newly-elected Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari offered his support for Iraqi statehood, but indicated it would be a hard sell with the new, fractious government.
Both Cheney and Rice have reportedly been pushing hard for the President to release his proclamation. By rushing Iraqi to statehood, the administration could immediately augment U.S. Forces with additional support, coming chiefly from the National Guard.
Gone would be the lazy weekend retreats, or summer vacations as, with Iraqi being a state would allow the Pentagon to reassign and relocate whole divisions of the National Guard to Iraqi as their reporting base.
World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz, former Bush Administration Deputy Defense Secretary, endorsed the Iraqi statehood program, indicating it as a perfect opportunity to expand the building of U.S. bases in the Middle East - without opposition - and position the United States to next invade Iran. Wolfowitz reportedly pledged back-channel funding for the project.
With a significant mountain of details, programs and policies to be developed, the official language of Iraqi will remain Arabic, however a substantial push will be made, starting at grade-school levels for English to be the second language.
As to the new state's economy, Chief of Staff Card is said to be leveraging his New England connections and has a commitment from Mashantucket Pequot Tribal Nation, owners of the Foxwood Resorts Casino in Connecticut, to build a gambling resort in Baghdad. Card is also soliciting other major companies to either relocate to the new state of Iraq, or to establish branch offices.
To date, it is reported that only Halliburton has signed a lease on office space in Iraq.
Many inside Washington wondered where White House Senior Adviser Karl Rove was with the Iraqi statehood push, or more to-the-point, why he wasn't out at the front of it.
White House spokesman, Scott McClennan immediately put to rest any scent of a rivalry or discord between Rove and the troika, indicating;
"…We only use Karl to rig elections".
Top Ten Cloves: How Ambassador-Nominee John Bolton Really Feels About United Nations
9. Should tear it down; Build new Jets Stadium there, as opposed to Westside
8. Thinks U.N. General Assembly might be a good enough team to challenge for the World Cup next year
7. Already has Security Resolutions written to target Senator Joe Biden as a terrorist threat and seize his assets
6. Feels U.N. Security Force weak; Couldn't break up a sorority house pillow fight
5. Confident, if they bought into Colin Powell's lies, he'll do just fine
4. Will keep criticizing U.N. until Annan cuts him in on Oil-For-Food profits
3. Plans first day on job to go over to North Korean Ambassador and kick his ass
2. Biggest challenge is get music played in headsets instead of boring translations
1. Only part of the job he will like is gets to park anywhere in New York City
Monday, April 11, 2005
Monday 11 April 2005
OJ To Outsource Hunt For Killers
Better Productivity, Cost Efficiency Cited
O.J. Simpson announced that he is outsourcing the work for the hunting of his ex-wife's killer.
In June, 1994, Nicole Simpson was found brutally murdered, along with her friend, Ron Goldman in Brentwood, Calf. Simpson was later charged with the murders and, in a media-driven frenzy, tried and found innocent, in what was deemed the 'trial of the century'. Subsequently, Simpson was convicted and found guilty in a civil trial for the murders
Simpson vowed that he would hunt down the killer or killers and clear his name.
Over the last 10+-years, Simpson has doggedly and tirelessly, searched for the killers, primarily on golf courses and in the state of Florida. Relentlessly, he has left no stone unturned and has yet to come up with any suspects or substantial leads.
In a statement, Simpson felt that now was a good time to take advantage of the growing market of outsourcing. Recently, The Gartner Group speculated that the outsourcing market will grow another 8-10% in 2005 and reaching over $134 billion in generated revenue.
Former Clinton Secretary of Labor Robert Reich hailed Simpson's choice for the outsourcing of the hunt for the killers, saying he was 'pleased to see O.J. joining the global economy'.
Simpson made the announcement to outsource the hunt for the killers following his attendance at the funeral of his lawyer, Johnnie Corcoran last week. Prior to his death, Corcoran reportedly endorsed Simpson's plan to outsource, saying, 'if you can't run the course, you must outsource'.
In a separate matter, the Menendez brothers (Lyle and Erik) have filed a suit against Simpson. The Menendez brothers were convicted of killing their parents and was secondary high-profile, media-driven case running concurrent to the O.J. Simpson trial.
In the suit, the Menendez brothers claim the Simpson stole the idea for the slow, freeway, Ford Bronco chase that preceded his arrest. The Menendez brothers indicated that this was their idea, but that they 'forget to ask Dad' for the keys to the car.
PB&J Sandwiches Temporarily Banned
Smucker Gets Injunction While Appealing Loss
Tens-of-thousands of schools, daycare centers, amusement parks, even private citizens, were issued court orders to stop serving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
This follows the emergency appeal filed by J.M. Smucker Co. after last weeks' rejection by the US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit. Smucker had sought a patent for their peanut butter and jelly pockets called Uncrustables.
Smucker's Uncrustables are, essentially, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with the crusts cut off and sealed with crimping method that Smucker's claims is unique. Smucker's purchased the crimping patent in 1995, from two North Dakota bakers.
Patent examiners and the Court of Appeals were unconvinced this was a unique process, indicating the similarity to pie crusts. Smucker was initially rejected for the crimping patent by the Board of Trademark Appeals and Interferences.
The patent office receives nearly a half-million patent applications each year and it is about 2½ years for a patent to be processed. Roughly 65 percent of all patents submitted are approved.
A Smucker's spokesperson indicated that the company "understood" that thousands of children will be deprived of one of their favorite foods but that the company "had to take a stand again activist judges and boards" and to protect the substantial investment Smucker has made in creating its' peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"They'll have to switch over to Fluffanutters, I guess", the spokesperson added.
Smucker holds no claims for peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.
Top Ten Cloves: What Tiger Woods Was Thinking During The Masters
9. I'll have to fight them to keep the giant check … I love the looks on the faces at the bank when I walk to cash it
8. Let's see … I'll just keep winning the Masters, if only, to piss off all these crackers
7. I should just tell DiMarco to give it up - It ain't gonna happen today
6. Think I'll screw with the PGA … Tell them I'm going to start my own golf association
5. I hope CBS likes the script I sent them - CSI Tiger Woods
4. Wonder if the Pope ever got to try out that tip I gave him with his 7-Iron ...
3. Think I'll wait until the 16th hole to make some really unbelievable shot that will be all over television tonight
2. I need a blue jacket … I wonder if they'll let me switch it
1. Hope Nicklaus has a Living Will. I want him around when I break his record
Friday, April 08, 2005
Friday 8 April 2005
Feng Shui Expert Warns of Pope's Final Resting
Says Space Used, Wrong Side; Can Upset Karma
Lillian Too says that Pope John Paul II will not have good Feng Shui, or a 'peaceful' final rest, based on the location of his burial.
Too, founder of World of Feng Shui (http://www.wofs.com), the first online feng shui magazine, is one of world's leading exponents of Feng Shui. An MBA graduate of the Harvard Business School, Too's experience in Feng Shui spans over 30-years.
Feng Shui has been practiced in China since the Tang Dynasty and is traced as far back as 888 A.D.
"First off", Too stated, "Is they are burying him in a used grottoe and that alone presents many obstacles for good Feng Shui".
The College of Cardinals have chosen a grottoe near St. Peter's and under a space left vacant when the tomb of Pope John XXIII was moved to the main floor of the basilica after his 2000 beatification.
"They also have him on the right side of the Basilica and this is totally inappropriate for the man. They should have him on the left, or west side, so he can face the rising sun. They should also have a three-legged toad with him, to continue bringing him good fortune".
Vatican officials were dismissive of Too, and Feng Shui.
"There is long-standing tradition and ceremony in determining a Pontiff's final burial location", offered a Vatican spokesman. "We cannot embrace another discipline and especially one that is at odds with church doctrine".
Too indicated that she has been retained by Donald Trump, who has inherited Vatican City from Pope John Paul II, as reported yesterday by The Garlic ( 7 April 2005 - Pope's Will Read; Leaves Vatican City To Trump; Plans for Casino, Trump Tower Europe HQ)
Iraq Chooses Prime Minister
Now Await Approval, Orders From Bush Team
Ibrahim al-Jaafari, a Shiite, has been appointed the historic role of being the first-elected Prime Minister of Iraq, after two-month of bitter debates. Jaafari, a doctor, is a leader of one of Iraq's major Shiite religious parties
New president, Jalal Talabani, made the announcement and swore in Jaafari after the resignation hours early of Ayad Allawi, who had been the temporary Prime Minister and will remain with the new Iraqi government until the complete cabinet is in place.
The election of Jaafari brought relief and an end to the tense negotiations, as the various political groups struggled for power following the 30 January historic vote. And the naming of Jaafari is a major victory, as Shiites represent over 60-percent of Iraqi's population and were targets of brutality of former dictator Saddam Hussein.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated that President Bush, who was in Rome for the funeral of the Pope, was advised of Jaafari's election and will confer with Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield before giving final approval.
It was President Bush who set the 30 January date for the elections, and has waited patiently for the Iraqi's to form a government so he can issue further orders.
Vice President Cheney's office issued a statement that indicated Cheney was 'pleased' and looking forward to 'setting initiatives' for the Iraqi Prime Minister.
Rumsfield also offered congratulation to Jaafari.
"Will I work with the new Prime Minister? … Sure, why wouldn't I? … The business of democracy is messy - how do I know this? … Have I based my career on building democracy? It isn't pretty and this Jaafari fellow is going to need all the help he can get".
Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes, may be the first member of the Bush Administration to meet with Jaafari. Hughes is currently touring Europe with her first initiative of bettering the image of the United States, hosting Tupperware Parties (The Garlic, 29 March - Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort) and is scheduled to be in Baghdad on April 12th.
Top Ten Cloves: How Jane Fonda Can Sell More Copies of Her New Book
9. Mobilize her ex-husband, Ted Turner, to work his Time Warner connections to get favorable reviews
8. Other side of books' dust cover is a coupon for a gallon of gasoline - A $3 value in some areas
7. New line of exercise videos - Instead of weights, you use her book
6. Make claim book is just like 'The Purpose Driven Life', except it's about her … And the purpose is to sell more books
5. Hustle over to Rome and work the crowds at the Pope's funeral
4. Mobilize her Hanoi connections to beef up Asian sales
3. Kiss up to Oprah for a plug - Easy, two, three-millions copies right there
2. Drop in an interview, how it's in the book, that she was more than barefoot, and not in a park, with co-star Robert Redford
1. Two words: Barbarella Costume
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Thursday 7 April 2005
Papal Shocker!
Pope's Will Read; Leaves Vatican City To Trump
Plans for Casino, Trump Tower Europe HQ
A bombshell rocked the funeral of Pope John Paul II, as his Will was read by the College of Cardinals and it was discovered that the Pope is leaving Vatican City to Donald Trump.
Reached for comment, Trump indicated that plans are in the works for a themed casino and Trump Tower Europe, which will be the headquarters for Trump's European operations.
The Mayor of Rome, Walter Veltroni, was shocked and indicated that the city may challenge the will.
The College of Cardinals declined comment and it is expected that they will wait until their upcoming conclave is completed and have the newly elected Pope decided on the appropriate course of action.
It is unclear, with leaving Vatican City to Trump, it the Catholic Church will have to relocate their operations to another part of Rome, or, perhaps, another country.
The roots of Vatican City being the home of the Papacy goes back to the 8th Century. In 1929, after signing three treaties, Italy recognized the sovereignty of the Vatican and established its' boundaries.
Trump was mum about keeping the Papacy in Vatican City but did state he will retain the Swiss Guards Corps (Corpo della Guardia Svizzera) and likely have them stationed at the entrance of the planned casino. The Swiss Guard are largely ceremonial, with the Pope's security the responsibility of the Italian government.
Vatican City is, roughly, .44-square kilometers, with 3.2-km of border (the city of Rome), and has an additional 13 buildings in Rome. There's also a Summer home for the Pope (Castel Gandolfo).
Trump stated the construction and opening of the casino, and Trump Tower Europe, should come in 2009.
Bush Snubs Carter On Pope's Funeral
Ex-Pres Bumped; Off-The-Cuff Remark Caught On Tape
There's no love lost between President George W. Bush and former President Jimmy Carter. Carter has been a harsh critic of Bush, and his administration and Bush let Carter know who's in charge now.
Bush bumped Carter from the American delegation that flew to Rome to pay its' respects to Pope John Paul II.
After speaking with reporters on the flight to Rome, and taking questions about the alleged riff with President Carter, Bush, was heard, as he walked away, saying to his Chief of Staff Andy Card;
"Besides … I don't want to be walking around, crunching peanut shells on Air Force One …"
As millions lined up in Rome, heated calls and emails flew between the White House and Carter.
After expressing his wish to attend the funeral, Carter, the first president to host Pope John Paul II, back in 1979, was advised that the delegation would be limited and no ex-presidents were included. Carter indicated he understood, only to discover hours later that former Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton would be attending with American delegation.
Word of the snub spread through Washington, with many questioning the make-up of the American delegation, which also included Card, First Lady Laura Bush, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. There was also Congressional delegations, led by House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn.
Frist plans on meeting the with the doctors and medical staff that attended to the Pope in his final days. Frist correctly determined the Pope's condition, after watching hours of videotape, as reported by The Garlic (Monday 4 April 2005; Frist Concurs With Vatican Diagnosis; Viewed Videotape of Papal Apartment For Hours).
Carter, in an interview, stated he was disappointed and suggested to reporters to ask President Bush to show them "his Nobel Peace Prize"
Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Tom DeLay and Family Were Paid For
9. Consulting Services (wink, wink)
8. Long Distance telephone calls to vote on American Idol
7. Super Savings Package of videotape (5), used in the research for the Terri Schiavo Bill
6. Russian-English Dictionaries and translation service for his trip
5. Battery of lawyers and accountants to help him straddle congressional ethics
4. Special Research Assistants (wink, wink)
3. Special junkets to DisneyWorld during Schiavo hearings (he just loves riding Space Mountain)
2. Proof-reading campaign posters and materials
1. Tying his shoes
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Wednesday 6 April 2005
Aliens Jam Arizona Border
Many Disappointed With 'Historic' Minuteman
If the United States had a fan club, Rafael Chenzo would likely be its' president.
The 19-year-old undocumented immigrant is a U.S. History buff. He is particularly interested in the Colonial period and has aspirations to visit Boston, to see all the important sites that shaped American history, the one's he has read about since he was a small child.
Chenzo was one of the tens-of-thousands who flocked to the Arizona border on Monday, not to illegally enter the United States, but to view the "historic' Minutemen. Many wanted to have their picture taken with a Minuteman; others brought tattered history text books to get autographs.
"I was very disappointed", offered Chenzo, through an interpreter. "They all looked like cowboys. Nobody was wearing blue coats, red coats … There were no muskets and no horses. They all had big cars or pick-up trucks".
The controversial army of self-appointed border guards are part of the Minutemen Project, led by Jim Gilchrest. Mainly recruited from the Internet, the Minutemen have volunteered to patrol the U.S. borders in an effort to augment the undermanned federal agencies. They choose the Arizona border due, chiefly, to Arizona's 'Open Carry' law, permitting the project member to be armed.
The U.S. Border Patrol and Arizona officials have distanced themselves from the project, saying they do not need the volunteers and fearful of potential outbreaks of violence.
Gilchrist has countered that it is within their constitutional rights to assemble and that the group is peaceful, has no plans to engage the illegal immigrants. The Minuteman patrol the border in shifts and radio the Border Patrol with coordinates if and when they discover any attempted border crossings.
It was rumored yesterday that Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, was in talks with Gilchrist. Hughes has a mandate to improve the image of the United States and was said to have received a call from Mexican President Vincente Fox to intervene in the matter.
Hughes flew in from Europe late last night, where she was beginning her International Tupperware program (The Garlic, 29 March 2005) and had no comment.
Meanwhile, Rafael Chenzo remains hopeful.
"Perhaps they can, at least, wear the three-cornered hats".
Pope Mourners Protest Fees
Claim TicketMaster Overcharging
The scores-of-thousands who are traveling to Rome, to pay respects to the late Pope John Paul II, are beginning to protest the high 'convenience fee's' charged by TicketMaster.
It's being reported that over 18,000 pilgrims, per-hour, are viewing the Pope, lying in state in St. Peter's Basilica. The Vatican had contracted TicketMaster to handle the expected crowds. While there is no-charge for the tickets, TicketMaster is charging a 'convenience fee' of 28,000 lira (roughly $20-U.S.).
The Vatican defended the ticketing policy, citing the expected surge in pilgrims, from all over the world, coming to Rome. Officials say it could reach as high as 4-million, the same size as the population of Rome. While they don't want to turn anyone away, the Vatican officials did feel the need to have a organized system for such an overwhelming crowd.
There have been unconfirmed reports that ticket scalping has been flourishing. Italian ticket brokers are using small children and the elderly to stand in line, holding a place for a ticket holder, charging as high as 300,000 lira. Other reports have the Italian Police running a scam of bringing people in to the Basilica via a side entrance and collecting a fee for such service.
TicketMaster offered no comment beyond saying that convenience fees were a standard practice. They also denied any involvement with the ticket scalping or issuing complimentary tickets to the Italian Police.
TicketMaster did confirm that the Vatican receives 10,000 lira for each ticket issued and cited again that this is standard practice with organizers and promoters.
Top Ten Cloves: How ABC Plans To Fill In For Peter Jennings
10. Work Guest Anchors into plot lines for 'Alias'
9. Ask the College of Cardinals, that while they're meeting, to bounce them a few candidates
8. Tom DeLay - Can give himself a better spin, or, at least, kill any ethic charges reports
7. Hey, Koppel's here until the end-of-the-year, let's make him sit in
6. Mark McGwire - But he can only talk about tomorrow's news
5. Keith Jackson, just to hear him intro first Iraq war piece, as "Have we got a doooozy going on here …"
4. Let's see, Martha has 49-hours, per-week … She lives about an hour away … Her ankle is off-camera, under a desk …
3. George Lopez - Get a few months of PR Hype over the non-white-guy thing
2. Jim McKay - Can still work that 'Thrill-of-Victory/Agony-of-Defeat' line with the news
1. New Spin Off Series - Desperate News Anchors
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Tuesday 5 April 2005
Google Ups Ante In Email Wars
Now 2-Gig, plus Cars, Chickens and Pots
Google Inc. last week announced they will now offer two gigabytes of storage space with the Gmail service in a move, some say as one-upmanship to Yahoo, who had their own announcement of jumping up to one gigabyte for their email users.
But Google didn't stop there.
Along with the 2-Gig of space, Google is also throwing in 'a chicken in every pot' and 'a car in every garage'.
Taking a cue from both President Hoover and Oprah, Google announced a mega-deal with Purdue Chicken, Revereware and Buick, that will offer 1,000 Gmail users the opportunity to win a full-load 2005 Buick, a set of pots from Revereware and a month's supply of chicken from Purdue.
Georges Harik, director of Gmail, indicated that an across-the-media promotion for it's Gmail is planned, though, technically, Gmail is still in beta mode. For Buick, Purdue and Revereware, there will be special Ad Word placement and targeted promotions.
Winners of the loot will have the ability of using special icons with their Gmail - a car, pot or chicken - to highlight their winning status. The Buick's will come with a tablet PC, with Google the default search engine.
Yahoo spokeswoman Karen Mahon scoffed at the promotion.
"They're tying themselves to the person that lead us into the 1929 stock crash and Depression.
Mahon offered that Yahoo will soon have their own new campaign - 'Our Friend, The Email'. This is a nod to the 1950's Disney program, 'Our Friend, The Atom' and the Eisenhower Administration's exploitation of it in their push to promote atomic energy.
Washington Monument Reopened After Trim
500-Feet Chopped Off For Security Precautions
The Washington Monument was reopened to the public last Saturday, the first time since September 2004, after a $15-Million security project.
Once scaling over 555-feet tall, the new monument is now standing at 55-feet and has additional security, with vehicle barriers and a brighter lighting system.
A National Parks spokesperson indicated the chopping down of the height of the monument was necessary due to new Homeland Security rules and concerns.
Spokesman Bill Lane said that the shortened monument will only be apparent to those that actually visit it. The Parks Service will continue to sell postcards and posters depicting the old, 555-ft. monument.
Bewitched Tune Writer Dies
Third of Show To Fall From Spell Cast in 1964
Jack Keller, a Pop songwriter who wrote the theme song for "Bewitched" and other TV sitcoms died last Friday at the age of 68 in Nashville, Tenn. No cause was reported and the coroner is investigating reports of a spell cast in 1964 that may have contributed to his death.
In 1964, Bewitched debuted on American television starring Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha, a witch, married to mortal, Darrin Stevens, played by Dick York. Legendary actress Agnes Morehead appeared as Endora, Samantha's mother.
Reports are sketchy but numerous people recount a day on the set when Endora, forever torturing Darrin for being a mortal, married to her daughter, during a break, playfully cast a spell on Montgomery, York and Keller, who happened to be standing nearby.
York ended up leaving the show in 1969, due to chronic back pain and died in 1992.
Montgomery went on with the full run of the show and appeared in movies following it before passing away in 1995.
Keller also wrote the theme for the television show Gidet, as well as hit tunes for Connie Francis and is credited as the producer of the first album by the group, also of television fame, The Monkees.
Top Ten Cloves: New Changes At CBS Evening News
9. Plan to integrate search for permanent anchor with plot of hit 'Survivor' series
8. To be 'fair-and-balanced', will use Ten Commandments' tablet as new logo
7. As temporary substitute, Bob Schieffer to anchor news from his backyard pool
6. Appealing to NCAA to run March Madness for all 12-Months of year
5. Run old footage of Walter Cronkite, but have 'King of Queens' star Kevin James dub in new voice with current news
4. At least one news item, per night, dissing Dan Rather
3. Instead of running video, will show news clips via Etch-A-Sketch
2. Will use tape of Mike Wallace snoring as new theme music
1. Hey, go with the flow - CSI CBS Evening News
Monday, April 04, 2005
Monday 4 April 2005
Special Pope Coverage
Who Gets Nod For Next Pope?
Conclave Wide Open; Third World, Koppel, Buchanan, Schwarzenegger On Short List
As the solemn pomp of the funeral of Pope John Paul II takes place this week, the Vatican is preparing for the College of Cardinals to convene soon after the funeral on Friday to begin the conclave and electing a new pope.
While speculation is high on a Third World candidate to emerge, a Vatican insider has told The Garlic that Pope John Paul II left instructions and suggestions for them to be 'far-reaching and open-minded' in their deliberations, even to "go outside".
And, in the suggestions left by John Paul II, a short list of candidates included ABC News' Ted Koppel, conservative commentator, Pat Buchanan and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The appearance of Koppel on the list fuels speculation of his recently announced retirement from ABC News at the end of this year.
It was well know that Pope John Paul II admired Koppel and often watched Koppel's 'Nightline' program while having his breakfast.
John Paul felt that Koppel would be well-suited for the new Media age of the papacy.
With Buchanan on the list, many Vatican veterans believe this is to appease the hardliners. Also, in his favor is Buchanan's experience in the Nixon White House. This is said to bolster Buchanan's chances, of working with a large administration such as the office of the Pope, and the requisite politics involved.
Governor Schwarzenegger is an old friend of the Pope John Paul II and speculation is that Schwarzenegger is mounting a behind-the-scenes effort to be considered by the conclave. He knows his chances of being allowed to run for, and be elected, for the Presidency of the United States is slim and needs something large beyond California to fulfill his ambitions. That Schwarzenegger is a native European, from Austria, works in his favor.
The Vatican did announce that they have turned down Ralph Nadar's request to be allowed to be included in the cardinal's conclave and debates.
Special Pope-Cam Gives Round-The-Clock Coverage
The electronic vigil last week, and now the coverage of the solemn events taking place this week of the death of Pope John Paul II aren't being shot with any just network pool camera. It's brought to you by the Pope-Cam.
The Pope-Cam was the brainchild of Pope John XXIII, back in October 1962. In calling for the ecumenical council to consider measures for renewal of the church in the modern world in what came be known as Vatican II. Pope John XXIII saw the medium of television as a means to be transparent and, to extend the reach of the Catholic Church.
His intentions to broadcast the council's meetings were ultimately blocked by older, hardline bishops, but the camera equipment stayed.
It got a workout in October of 1965, with the travels of Pope Paul VI, on this trip to the United States. The Pope-Cam was used to broadcast the special mass from Yankee Stadium.
With is elevation to Pope in 1978, Pope John Paul II made extensive use of the Pope-Cam with his world travels, capturing the historic moments of his visits to the Mid-East and, was there, and very instrumental in the subsequent investigation, of the assassination attempt made on John Paul II.
Since Pope John XXIII, each new pope has offered a annual blessing of the Pope-Cam and a Vatican spokesperson indicated they suspect that will continue when John Paul II's successor is named in the coming weeks.
Frist Concurs With Vatican Diagnosis
Viewed Videotape of Papal Apartment For Hours
Senator Bill Frist is batting two-for-two.
After boasting of, in his own opinion, the correct diagnosis for the late Terri Schiavo, Frist indicated on Monday that he concurred with the Vatican doctors as to the health status and treatment of Pope John Paul II
Frist stated he viewed the coverage of the Papal apartment all weekend. He watched the live coverage late last week and, had his staff Tivo all the network and cable outlets broadcasts so he could get "a full picture" of the Pope's failing health.
In a statement released from his office, Frist said;
"I sat for hours, watching the video of that Papal apartment and it was so clear to me, the Pope had kidney and cardio-vascular failure. Those two lights shining offered a great deal of information, and when they put on the third light, I knew that was trouble".
Frist, a former doctor, a heart and lung specialist, first used his unique talents in diagnosis of Terri Schiavo, from four-year-old videotape. Frist, along with House Leader Tom DeLay, led the Senate effort in drafting and passing a bill in an effort to reverse court decisions and reconnect the feeding tubes to Ms. Schiavo.
"It was good for me to have fresh videotape in this case with the Pope".
Frist went on to say in his statement that there was no need for Senate intervention with the Pope. Frist indicated that there was clear and compelling evidence that the Pope had personally stated his wishes and, that there was not a Bush family member who was elected to office within the Vatican, making it more difficult to take action, if necessary.
Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Red Sox-Yankee Opener
9. Steinbrenner looks old enough to be one of the centerfield monuments
8. Mantei? … Man, I thought that was a new cocktail, or energy drink ...
7. Hey Schilling, I heard you know the real reason they call him 'The Unit'
6. Hey, Theo got carded again at the hotel bar again!
5. Okay Stottlemyre, with Zim gone, you're the designated old guy that gets thrown down if a fight breaks out tonight
4. Geez … They got that fat Irish guy singing here again this year
3. Man, I don't know what to hide it with ... Ask Giambi or Sheffield
2. Go check it out … A-Rod is still trying to talk Jeter into letting him play shortstop this year
1. I wish I didn't have to pitch … Varitek kept me up all night watching all that Pope stuff
