Garlic Exclusive! Looking To Keep The Base

White House, RNC Rolling Out Greatest Hits, Summer Reruns

Times Bashing, Santorum WMD’s Sign of Rove Bookmark For Base; Mehlman Promises “To Stay The Course On Dems”

No, you didn’t wake-up from an early summer nap, only to find you’ve gotten stuck in some kind of time-warp of a Fox News broadcast looping itself out on YouTube.

What you are seeing is a not-so-quiet, bold rollout of a new program, being launched by White House Special Councilor Karl Rove, and RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman of jumping out in front of the networks and offering Summer Reruns of the Bush Administration’s greatest hits.

And, The Garlic has learned, through a secret memo, that a wildly extravagant “Mission Accomplished II” is being planned for the Labor Day Holiday.

Looking To Keep The Base

“They really went into it early,” says Eddie Mars, editor of 'Please Shoot Me', the newsletter that tracks the Fox News Channel.

“Last throes ... WMD’s ... Now, lining up against the liberal media ... This is classic Rerun material ... Rove and the rest are going after the base, looking to give them a thrill, and some hope, heading into the Mid-Terms.”

Mars admits that it is hard to say when the Rerun campaign started, offering that “the Administration, along with all the pundits, tend to just say the same thing, over-and-over,” but that it is likely, last week was the kick-off.

Cheney Launches Rerun Package with “Last Throes”

First, there was Vice President Dick Cheney defending and reprising his May 2005 “I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." at both a National Press Club speech and in an interview with CNN’s John King (and nearly a year ago, in June 2005, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer offered the Vice President an opportunity to “revise or amend those comments” and Cheney refused.

When asked by King last week, “,,, do you wish you could take those words back?, Cheney replied “No, I think that, in fact, we are making very significant progress ...”

“The last throes have been very effective for them,” said Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf'.

“It allows the Administration to be muscular, to infer progress and gains, without having to define them, to verify them.”

Varicator also points out that “the last throes” also gives the RNC pundits a launching pad, to defend President Bush’s decision to invade and occupy Iraq, or to justify the military’s continued presence there.

Santorum Races Into The Wings With WMD’s

Nothing fills in a Summer Rerun Package like an old favorite, something, even though you know the story, still makes you want to watch and feel good.

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), along with Congressman Peter Hoekstra (R-MI) deliver that “Must-Spin-TV” with their trumpeted call on the long-sought discovery of the Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Santorum, down by over 18-points in his bid to be reelected to the Senate, and Hoekstra used a newly declassified report that showed coalition forces finding 500 munitions that turned out to contain degraded sarin or mustard gases.

With a “Take-That-In-Your-Face” approach, Santorum attempted to justify the find to rebut critics of the administration and show that Saddam Hussein did have Weapons of Mass Destruction.

The report was quickly debunked, by an array of officials, from the Defense Department, as well as the Iraq Survey Groupand other agencies.

“This is not the WMD we were looking for when we went in this time," offered one top former U.S. Weapons Inspector.

With a still-measurable number of people believing the Saddam Hussein and Iraq were responsible, or involved in the 9-11 attack, the WMD story won’t be retired to TVLand anytime soon.

“This dog still hunts,” said Harold "Ace" Larson, an analyst for the counterintelligence think tank, 'Book'em and Beat'em',

Old Stand-By “Liberal Media" Likely To Run For Months

Another favorite of the Bush Administration was also displayed last week – Attacking the Liberal Media.

“They’ve lived off this for the last five-years,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “And they’ll keep spooning it out until the day they leave office.”

The latest installment of this storyline came this past Friday and Monday, with the President, Vice President, Secretary of Treasury the White House Press Secretary and the entire cast of conservative talk show hosts and bloggers exploding and railing against The New York Times, for their reporting, last Thursday, on the Bush Administrations combing through financial records.

President Bush labeled the reporting on the bank surveillance “disgraceful”, while Cheney lamented that the Times exposure of this covert program is “making it more difficult for us to prevent future attacks against the American people."

Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary jumped in with "The New York Times and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know, in some cases, might overwrite somebody's right to live, and whether, in fact, the publications of these could place in jeopardy the safety of fellow Americans," while outgoing Treasury Secretary John Snow said the Times undermined a highly successful counterterrorism program and alerted terrorists to the methods and sources used to track their money trail.”

With the leaking of the Bank Surveillance Program, came a “In our last episode” moment, as the Administration is still at war with The New York Times for reporting on the secret NSA wiretapping and eavesdropping program last December.

“This is the gift that keeps on giving, for the White House and RNC,” said Mars. “They’re likely to run with this for months, at least up to the Fall Mid-Terms. It stirs up the base and it’s a horse they can’t beat to death often enough.”

“Cut-and-Run” and “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” Added As New Summer-Only Programs

No network would run a slate of just reruns, without sprinkling in a few new summer-only-run programs and the White House and RNC haven’t missed out on that.

“Cut-and-Run” and “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” made their debuts last week, with two votes in the Senate, and the full star treatment by GOP lawmakers and rightwing pundits was in play, bashing the Democrats, implying they wanted to “surrender to the terrorists” in Iraq.

However, as with live events on television, glitches can occur and one of the star players landed one with a thud.

It was revealed over the weekend that General George Casey briefed President Bush and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield on Troop Withdrawal plans, eerily similar to the plans offered by the Democrats in the Senate debate and vote last week.

“They’ll slap him down privately,” offered Varicator, “and it’s unlikely you’ll see Casey in any more episodes this summer.”

“This is what it is, a summer replacement series,” said Mars. “They’ll throw a few tease out that they plan on making it a permanent series, but the White House and RNC only want it out there for a short time, just enough to milk and leverage it for the Fall Mid-Terms. ”

RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman is committed to offering some new programming to the base, and to “stay the course on the Democrats”.

In a recent appearance, last week, on MSNBC’s “Hardball” program, Mehlman offered the tease of what is to come, saying "There's a debate within the Democratic party. John Kerry believes in the cut and run approach. Other people say maybe we should cut and walk or even cut and jog.”

“Mission Accomplished II” Planned To Close Out Summer; Maybe End To Salad Days

Through sources close to the White House, The Garlic has learned of an extravagant “Mission Accomplished II” special celebration being planned for the Labor Day Holiday.

“We’re talking about it being on the level of a Super Bowl Halftime production,” said our source.

Likely, according to the secret memo, “Mission Accomplished II” will be coordinated with a troop
withdrawal from Iraq, and having the returning soldiers parade down Constitution Avenue.

Along with massive parades, speeches, live music and entertainment and air shows, planning is in the works to have non-lethal war games for children, to teach them about freedom and democracy.

The memo also cites tentative plans to have an aircraft carrier placed in the Tidal Basin, with President Bush, and the entire cabinet – all in flight suits – landing on the deck via helicopter

Last Chance To Play It Up ... President Medals For Libby, DeLay, Chalabi and Others

On the deck of the aircraft carrier, pending the results of an RNC Focus Group, President Bush will award the Presidential Medal of Freedom indicted former Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis ‘Scooter Libby, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, indicted former Congressman Tom DeLay, convicted former Bush Administration official David Safavian and two Iraqis, deputy prime minister and currently interim oil minister Dr. Ahmad Chalabi and defector-turned informant, Curveball

“This may be the last opportunity for the White House to play it up big,” offered Mars.

“If the numbers stay steady, it’s looking like the Republicans will lose the House, and, possibly the Senate. This would be an end to the salad days for the Bush Administration, and likely a boon for DC-area lawyers.”














Superstar singer Gwen Stefani is said to be on tap to perform in “Mission Accomplished II” parade and festivities being planned for the Labor Day Holiday, capping off the White House and RNC’s Summer Rerun Program

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In Senate Yesterday, During Flag Burning Debate and Vote

News Item: Not Quite the Banner Day One Might Have Hoped For

10. I motion that we have the Sergeant-At-Arms burn a flag right now, here on the floor, so we can see just how offensive it is

9. What happens if I have a flag in my house, and my house goes up in flames? Do I still get fined or go to jail?

8. Is it true what I heard ... Anyone that votes against it, has to go hunting with Dick Cheney?

7. What do we do, if we catch a flag burner, who is an illegal immigrant, and also part of a same-sex marriage?

6. You know, it doesn’t really matter – Bush will just issue another Signing Statement on whatever he wants about the flag

5. I heard the Leadership is going to submit a resolution, to protect Frist from burning his own bridges

4. Before I vote, I need to know is this to protect the American flag, or all flags?

3. No, we can’t use “Either your for it, or against it” – That’s, exclusively, the President’s line about the War On Terror

2. Why don’t we, instead of changing the Constitution, just pass a law that says they have to make flags out of flame-retardant material?

1. We got a pool going ... Before the end-of-the-day, either Cheney, Rove or Mehlman will leak a story that they have flag-burning rituals up at The New York Times

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Abu Ghraib Prisoner Release Today

News Item: Iraq releases 500 detainees from Abu Ghraib prison

10. Are we really being released, or is this just one of those fake news items for Bush?

9. I hope someone taped it for me ... I need to know who won American Idol this year

8. I hope I get home in time ... You know, for the period of time that the electricity is on

7. Oh well, so much for moving to American and getting a job with GM

6. I don’t know about you, but I’m putting my abuse photos up on eBay as soon as I get home, they’re autographed by the soldiers

5. Hey, let’s go join up with that insurgency ... You know, the one that’s in its final throes ... HA ... HA ...HA!

4. Did you believe the nerve of this guy? First he invades and occupies our country ... Now, he’s going through our banking records!

3. I don’t know how they fell for it ... I mean, everyone here knew that Curveball was a loser

2. Ah, the good life ... Released today ... Amnesty tomorrow

1. My cousin has a job waiting for me ... He goes around and finds old Mustard bombs and then sells them to that Senator Santorum, so he can claim he found WMD’s

“I don’t know how they fell for it ... I mean, everyone here knew that Curveball was a loser"

Developing Story - White House, Times Lob Shots At Each Other

Bin Laden, In New Video, Joins Bush In Slamming New York Times

Laments Lost Donations Over Lateness Of Banking Records Story; “First Our Phones, Now Our ATM’s”

In a new video, rushed out this afternoon and posted to numerous Islamic websites, still at-large Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden joined with President Bush in lambasting The New York Times, over their reporting on the Bush Administration’s surveillance of international banking records.

In the video, which offered English subtitles, as well as other effective production values, bin Laden was surrounded by newspapers – The New York Times,Washington Post, Wall Street Journal and Los Angeles Time – all of whom printed the story of the Bush Administration’s sifting through millions of financial transactions of U.S. citizens and companies.

White House, Times Lob Shots At Each Other

This was after a morning ripping of the newspaper by President Bush.

Reacting to the article, that first ran last Thursday, President Bush angrily denounced the newspaper, saying that printing the story of leaked information was "disgraceful"

"The fact that a newspaper disclosed it makes it harder to win this war on terror," Bush said, speaking with reporters, briefly, from the Roosevelt Room in the White House.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow kept the offensive going, later saying that the story was "a highly unusual departure" from the practice of newspapers honoring the secrecy of sensitive matters during wartime.

"The New York Times and other news organizations ought to think long and hard about whether a public's right to know, in some cases, might overwrite somebody's right to live, and whether, in fact, the publications of these could place in jeopardy the safety of fellow Americans," Snow said.

Snow refused to answer reporters’ questions on why the President waited four-days to speak out on The New York Times article.

First, last Friday, and then again this afternoon, Vice President Dick Cheney, lashed out at The New York Times.

On Friday, Cheney defended the Bank Records Program, saying that “to disclose vital national security programs, thereby making it more difficult for us to prevent future attacks against the American people,” and "That offends me."

Today, speaking at a fundraiser in Nebraska, Cheney expressed his outrage, saying;

"The New York Times has now twice -- two separate occasions -- disclosed programs; both times they had been asked not to publish those stories by senior administration officials," Cheney said. "They went ahead anyway."

Cheney went on to say that he believes The New York Times “is in its last throes of being a reputable news organization.”

New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller defended the paper’s printing of the story.

In a special letter, published yesterday, The New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller defended the paper’s printing of the story saying that “We believe The Times and others in the press have served the public interest by accurately reporting on these programs so that the public can have an informed view of them.”

Keller also pushed back on the Bush Administration.

“By the way, we heard similar arguments against publishing last year's reporting on the NSA eavesdropping program. We were told then that our article would mean the death of that program. We were told that telecommunications companies would — if the public knew what they were doing — withdraw their cooperation. To the best of my knowledge, that has not happened. While our coverage has led to much public debate and new congressional oversight, to the best of our knowledge the eavesdropping program continues to operate much as it did before. Members of Congress have proposed to amend the law to put the eavesdropping program on a firm legal footing. And the man who presided over it and defended it was handily confirmed for promotion as the head of the CIA.”

Bin Laden: “First Our Phones, Now Our ATM’s”

In a long, lengthy diatribe, against both The New York Times, President Bush, and the United States, bin Laden tells of “lost donations” and how, at times, nothing was suspected as various Al Qaeda operatives had their ATM cards “eaten” by the automated teller machines.

“We thought the problem was with that bank ... that machine,” shouts bin Laden, “not that the infidels would actually be trying to trace our transactions.

“First our telephones,” said the Al Qaeda leader, referencing the story The New York Times broke last December, on the President using the NSA to eavesdrop and wiretap millions of telephone calls, in what was later titled the “Domestic Terrorist Surveillance Program, “now our ATM’s.”

Bin Laden goes on to express “complete surprise” that the Bush Administration was using the banking records program to get a bead on Al Qaeda activities.

“Why did this newspaper wait for a year to print this story?” laments the Al Qaeda leader. “It has been disappointing enough,” said bin Laden, “that they put up this Selected Wall, that takes away some of the writings that we use to track Satan Bush ...”

The terrorist leader reference is to the new feature of The New York Times, TimesSelect.

For a fee ($49), a reader will have access to the Times’ Op-Ed columnists, such as Maureen Dowd, Thomas L. Friedman, Bob Herbert, Paul Krugman, Frank Rich, as well as features and columnists from other sections of the newspaper, and the International Herald Tribune.

Bin Laden Gives Thumbs Down On Gore Film

Later in the video, bin Laden made a veiled reference to having to cash in some of his own stock portfolio – his oil stocks - since the price of crude has been riding all-time highs, to continue to finance the Al Qaeda operations.

“Now I have the wanna-be-devil Gore trying to drive me into financial ruin, with that new film of his,” sighed the gaunt-looking bin-Laden, speaking to the Al Gore documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth”.

Government officials are still examining the video, and haven’t come to a conclusion if bin Laden’s critique of Gore’s film was just that, or, if his talk about stocks was a coded signal to any cells here in the United States.

It is being reported that one of the would-be terrorists arrested in Florida last week last week was carrying a gasoline credit card and officials in the case are looking to see if that provides any ties to bin Laden or Al Qaeda.

Vice President Dick Cheney predicted today that the New York Times is “is in its last throes of being a reputable news organization”

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Roger Ailes and Fox News Plans On Ending Its’ Ratings Slump

News Item: Ailes Cracks Whip as Fox News Slips

10. Build up more buzz – Get all present and former Fox News hosts to slam and insult Helen Thomas

9. Steal Rita Cosby back from MSNBC

8. Have Hannity & Colmes switch ideologies (Risky, being that Hannity can’t help still coming off as a pinhead )

7. Get WaPo columnist Richard Morin to balance things out, and say the Neil Cavuto is an “Enemy of Democracy”

6. Build-up for November Sweeps, Prime-Time Special of Britt Hume taking the stick out of his butt and auction off stick on eBay

5. MORE SCREAMINGLY LOUD, OVERLOADED AND EYE-BLINDING, GLITZY GRAPHICS!

4. Ann Coulter, 7/24/365!

3. Allow John Gibson to go on air, without taking his medication

2. Teach Bill O’Reilly how to use facts in his arguments

1. Save some budget and just run with the Fake News Items that the Bush people put out... Oh shoot! ...We’re already doing that ...

Fox News, in an effort to boost their sagging ratings, may let news anchor John Gibson on-air, without his medication

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 25 June 2006

Kinky Friedman, who recently has been certified to appear on the November ballot as a candidate for the race of Governor of Texas, and, potentially, the first Independent Texas Governor since Sam Houston, said that, if elected, and if Tom Delay gets convicted, he’ll commute his sentence to public service.

“I want to see that weasel, in an orange jumpsuit, hammering out picking up roadside trash in the broiling heat for a few months”

Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) said he was undecided that, if he loses his Democratic primary race to Ned Lamont, that he run in the general election as an Independent. Lieberman said that will hinge on whether the “RNC can get those Ohio voting officials into Connecticut and certified in time” to alter the election in Lieberman’s favor

The White House admitted this week that President Bush, on any given day, takes to wearing “shoe lifts”.

“Some days, the President just wants to stand taller then he usually does in his War Against Terrorism,” said one official

Congressman Will Jefferson (D-LA) announced this week that, with Summer officially on now, he plans on carrying $40,000-$50,000 in cash “around in a cooler”. The congressman refused to say if the cooler was a gift, or something he purchased but did suggest that it was important to his work


















Col. Muammar Qadhafi, still cautious that President Bush will invade and occupy Libya, offered, through Swiss Officials, to let Libya be the target of the North Korean missile, to show his “goodwill” in wanting good relations with the United States

After a protracted session, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow came to agreement with the White House Press Corps.

Snow will write 500-times on a blackboard “I will not pick on Helen Thomas anymore”, after Snow belittled and scolded the veteran reporter for simply following up on a question

Poll Results - Our First Dead-Heat! ... The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 18 - June 24 2006 ... New Poll - 25 June 2006 - Sears Tower Terror Plan ...

Michigan State University head coach Duffy Daugherty once said that “a tie is like kissing your sister ...”

We doubt that we’d get many people lining up to kiss Karl Rove, but The Garlic's Weekly Poll June 18 - June 24 2006, asking - With Karl Rove’s theme of Cut-and-Run for the GOP’s Fall Mid-Term Elections, what Rove really means is ... – we ended up with our first dead-heat poll

The Results

1. Cut a deal with the Special Prosecutor so he doesn’t get indicted - 34%

1. Cut down the opposition with lies, innuendo and smears - 34%

2. Run a corruption-filled majority government - 20%

3. Run a disastrous Domestic Agenda for the White House - 13%

This week’s Poll - The Sears Tower Terrorist Plot uncovered this week is likely to ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Top Ten Cloves: Other Big, Breaking News Senator Rick Santorum Is Eager To Announce

News Item: For Diehards, Search for Iraq's W.M.D. Isn't Over

10. If I don’t keep making these kinds of statements, I’ll sink lower than 18% behind Casey and soon be an ex-Senator

9. Has, on good authority, management of an energy company named Enron manipulated the books, defrauding investors and employees

8. We now have proof that liberal pundits and comics, like Jon Stewart, are the enemies of democracy

7. I was the one that broke to the President, that Claude Allen had some very personal problems

6. From my work on WMD’s I can attest to how busy Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield is and couldn’t be involved in the largest defense procurement scandal

5. There’s steroids in Major League Baseball – And, possibly, involving some of the biggest names in the game

4. I have no problem giving my endorsement to Ralph Reed. He’s one of the finest, most upstanding Christian I know

3. Case Breaker! I have the real, actual ladder used by Bruno Hauptmann in the Lindbergh Baby Kidnapping

2. The liberal media just wants to bash the President ... We’re making progress and I can say that Baghdad is completely safe

1. I don’t know why the FBI hasn’t contacted me ... I can tell them where Jimmy Hoffa is ...like that!

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), following his declaration on the discovery of the Iraqi WMD’s, says he has more breaking news to announce, including that there may be steroids in Major League Baseball

New GOP/RNC Slogan - “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” – Echoes Through Senate Today

GOP Taunts Dems After Shooting Down Pullout Vote

Takes On New ‘Mad Max” Slogan To Laud Majority And Cool Down Cut-And-Run Charges

After voting down two Democratic proposals, on the withdrawal of U.S. Troops from Iraq, with an 86-13 margin on one, and 60-39 on the other, GOP Senators taunted their colleagues across the aisle, chanting “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads”, in loud unison as Democrats slowly filed out of the Senate Chamber.

The votes in the Senate today leave that there will be no timetable set for the withdrawing of troops from Iraq.

Frist Says Chant Improvised, But Others See Rove Fingerprints

After the humiliation of their colleagues, the Republican Leadership denied that they were ordered off the “Cut-and-Run” slogan by its originator, Karl Rove

Unconfirmed reports have come into The Garlic that Rove ordered the change in slogans, following a backlash on the “Cut-and-Run” charged against the Democrats, and other critics of the Bush Administration’s Iraq War policy.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said that the “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” chant was “improvised”.

“It came in the spirit of exuberance,” said Frist. “I’m not sure who started it, but once it began, we just got into it, swelled with the pride of our vote to support the troops ... To support the President.”

“Frist can wave the flag and whistle “Yankee Doodle Dandy” all day long,” offered one observer, David Aaronson, editor of What Color Is My Coat Today?, the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party

“This was Rove all the way ... Rove wasn’t going to sit on the sidelines, with a “shooting-fish-in-a-barrel” vote on the floor today”.

One proposal, offered by Senator John Kerry (D-MA) and Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI), set a mandatory redeployment, with a withdrawal of troops beginning immediately, and ending by July 2007. The measure lost in vote by the whopping 86-13 count.

A second proposal, offered by Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) and Senator Jack Reed (D-RI), a The nonbinding "sense of Congress" proposal urging President Bush to start pulling U.S. forces out of Iraq this year but with no set withdrawal date, garnered more support but losing by a 60-39 vote.

It was after the second vote, when emerging behind a smattering of a few “Cut-and-Run” and “Retreat-Means-Defeat” catcalls, that Frist, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and, surprisingly, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), began the “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads” chant, which spread among the other GOP members until it was echoing throughout the Senate Chamber.

Graham, just the day before, distanced himself from the “Cut-and-Run” slogan, saying "I think the sound-bite war is not going to be an effective way to fight the war."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) was dismissive of the GOP antics.

“In November, there’ll be a lot of people entering voting booths, and when it’s over, there’ll be a lot of Republicans leaving.”

Mad Max Video Or Is Rove Just Having His Fun?

Aaronson indicated that What Color Is My Coat Today? is picking up a buzz around the Capital that Rove may be altering his strategy, after receiving a rebuke over the “Cut-and-Run” slogan from Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE), who lambasted his conservative colleagues for using “catchy political slogans.

“American people want to see serious debate about serious issues from serious leaders. They deserve more than a political debate. This debate should transcend cynical attempts to turn public frustration with the war in Iraq into an electoral advantage. It should be taken more seriously than to simply retreat into focus-group tested buzz words and phrases like “cut and run,” catchy political slogans that debase the seriousness of war. War’s not a partisan issue, Mr. President ...”

“It could be that Rove is hearing it from the Congressional leaders, and especially those who are in for tough fights in the Fall,” offered Aaronson.

“Or it could be, he rented “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” last evening and is just having some fun.”

“Rove has to be careful, that it doesn’t come back and bite him on the ass,” added Aaronson. “The majority could very well flip-flop after the Mid-Terms and then, for Rove and the rest of the Administration, it becomes a blizzard of subpoenas and hearings.”

“And let’s not forget Scooter Libby. It could be that “One Man Enters ... One Man Goes to Jail” in the not-too-distant future.”

Is Karl Rove tossing out “Cut-and-Run” in favor of “Two Parties Enter ... One Party Leads”?

Top Ten Cloves: Things President Bush Can Do To Boost His Popularity In Europe

News Item: Bush's Unpopularity in Europe Hangs Over Summit

10. Suit up for Team USA and play in the World Cup

9. Autographed pictures of the dead Zarqawi for anyone that asks!

8. Since most of their paper money is larger than U.S. money, be honest that they will be unlikely to fit $90,000 in their freezers

7. State emphatically that Cheney, or anyone else in Administration, hasn’t outted any European covert agents

6. Offer the EU Leaders lessons in planting fake news stories on European TV

5. Agreeing that she scares American children as well, promises to do what he can to keep Mary Matalin off television

4. Pull out of Iraq and invade France – No WMD’s needed – Just “General Principle”

3. In an Hitchcockian manner, offer to frag George Galloway in exchange for Europeans fragging Ann Coulter

2. Announce he’s issuing a Signing Statement, mandating all U.S. Newspapers to print the Danish Cartoons

1. Get Rick Santorum to now claim he’s found the Holy Grail

Many Europeans Fear North Korean Missile Strike On Bush While At EU Summit

With Image At Low Point, Europeans Lament Bush Visit During Summer Solstice

Calls Come To Stay Indoors, Despite Longest Day of Light; Many EU Leaders On Watch For Unannounced Visit

With domestic poll numbers rivaling former President Richard Nixon’s after Watergate, President Bush is finding his trip to the EU Summit in Vienna no more satisfying.

A huge wave of discontent has emerged, over the U.S. President making his 15^th visit to Europe on the day of the Vernal Equinox, or Summer Solstice. Calls came in Vienna for people to stay indoors during the President’s visit, despite it being the day of the year with the longest daylight, and, subsequently, the shortest night.

Tensions were running high for the President’s visit. Austria’s daily newspaper, “Der Standard” and their commentator, Hans Rauscher, labeled Bush as “probably the worst president of the past 100 years. The world has to suffer him until 2008.”

Additionally, many Europeans fear, with the escalating harsh rhetoric, that North Korea will launch their missile strike at President Bush, while he is in Europe.

President Given The “Bums Rush”

With President Bush scheduled to leave for Budapest, Hungary later today, sources tell The Garlic that the EU Leaders were “trying to speed things up” to get Bush moving on and “off the continent”.

According to veteran independent foreign correspondent, Huntley Haverstock Jr., the traditional and formal receiving line was eschewed, in favor of a very informal “tea session”.

“They didn’t put out any booze,” said Haverstock. “Not that the President would indulge, but they didn’t want the give the other diplomats the excuse to linger around. Everyone was in on it and if ever there was a bums rush, we had one here today.”

Haverstock added that he hasn’t “seen it this bad, for a U.S. President, since Ford.”

“The Europeans viewed Ford as a rube ... He was filling out Nixon’s term and they knew he wasn’t the one to get anything of substance done with.”

Bush Makes No Friends, Calling European Press “Absurd”

With Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schuessel constantly checking his watch, President Bush flashed with anger, bristling at a question from the European Media, if the United States was a bigger threat than Iran or North Korea regarding global security.

Bush snapped “That’s absurd” and pointedly added "We'll defend ourselves but at the same time we're actively working with our partners to spread peace and democracy.”

Chancellor Schuessel was heard by some to murmur that “it must be time now to spread some of that peace and democracy in Hungry, I’d say ...”

Unannounced Visits On EU Leaders’ Minds

Another current running through the President visit is that the majority of EU Leaders feared that President Bush would make an “unannounced visit” while he was on the continent

“We’ve seen,” said one Head of State, not wanting to be quoted for record, “how he throws his weight around on these kind of visits. We don’t want to get lectured, or find ourselves out of a job after he leaves.”

Many of the leaders attending the one-day summit, scheduled holiday time, to undisclosed locations, merely to rebuff any chances of President Bush dropping in on them.

It wasn’t all smiles and handshakes for President Bush (show here with Austrian President Heinz Fischer) during his EU Summit visit in Vienna, Austria. Sources tell The Garlic that Bush was given the “bums rush”, to “get him off the continent”. Many in Austria stayed indoors, and were upset that Bush choose to visit on the Summer Solstice, the one day of the year with the most daylight

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard Last Night At Scooter Libby Fundraiser

News Item: Former Cheney aide plans pricey Libby bash Tuesday

10. The plan is, after almost everyone leaves, we get Karl down to the basement and he doesn’t leave until he gives up what he told Fitzgerald

9. Is the President really in Europe or is he going to “pop in here” unannounced?

8. Too bad Safavian didn’t hire Melvin Sembler ... If he did, he’d be here tonight, raising glasses with us, instead of going to jail

7. You know, if Andy was still inside, running the ship, I’d feel better ... I don’t put anything past Bolten to screw Scooter first chance he gets

6. Wow, this is pretty weird ... There’s Dick Cheney over there ... And there’s Dick Cheney, “The Dark Side”, on television

5. I heard Matalin’s tapping into the Jesus money ... She’s lining up Dobson and Perkins to run some “Scooter Libby Sundays”

4. Well, if he’s willing to give illegal immigrants amnesty, he’s gotta pardon Scooter, don’t you think?

3. We can’t use “Cut and Run” on Fitzgerald after Teddy gets through with him in court ... Rove and Mehlman are restricting that to only Democratic Congressman and Senators

2. Hey, get off my back! If you think it’s so easy, you name the Ten Commandments!

1. You have to give Judy Miller credit ... Judy’s sticking to her story, that she doesn’t know who gave her the name "Valerie Flame"

Mary Matalin is said to be planning “Scooter Libby Sundays”, to help raise funds for Vice President Dick Cheney’s indicted former Chief of Staff

This Just In! No Terror Alert ... Snow: “It’s Just A Conviction”

This Just In!

White House Says No Terror Alert Over Aide’s Conviction

Rove To Say “On Message” Smearing Dems; Nixed Bush Surprise Visit To Courthouse To Offer Testimony

The White House announced, just a short time ago, that there will be no elevation in the Terror Alert Chart due to the conviction this morning of former Bush Administration official David H. Safavian.

Safavian was convicted on four, out of five, felony counts, for his role in the Jack Abramoff Corruption Scandal, of lying, or making false statements to federal officials and obstruction of justice.

Safavian was the Bush Administrations former chief of staff of the General Services Administration and top federal procurement officer and is the first person to be put on trial in the Abramoff Scandal Case.

Abramoff, who has plead guilty to the charges against him, is said to be cooperating with Federal prosecutors.

Snow: “It’s Just A Conviction”

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow advised the media, that after a three-hour meeting at the White House, with members of FEMA, including Secretary Michael Chertoff, the decision was made not to release a new, false, or old Terror Alert. Since Sept 11th, the White House as used such alarms to hide or offset bad news surrounding the Administration.

“We feel the President is on a roll right now,” offered Snow. “With nailing Zarqawi, his bang-up trip to Baghdad last week, his dumping of Bill Gates, he’s on the upswing and we don’t want to do anything to upset that.”

“As to Safavian,” added Snow, “it’s just a conviction.”

Snow also seemed to go out of his way, to distance the White House from the news of the past day, on Ron Suskind's new book, "The One Percent Doctrine," detailing an alleged alleged Al Qaeda plan to attack the New York City subway system.

“That one is not on us,” declared Snow. “We had nothing to do with that.”

President Mulling Signing Statement To Safavian Conviction

Sources are telling The Garlic that the prevailing view of President Bush was that the Safavian trial, and now conviction, is a “Congressional” problem, an Abramoff problem and that falls into the domain of Karl Rove.

“They’ll dump this on Karl to spin,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “You can bet, that before they snapped the handcuffs on Safavian, Rove probably had six-pages of lies, innuendo and smears to turn it around and make it sound like the Democrats did something.”

There are rumors circulating around the Capital, according to Aaronson, that President Bush wanted to make a surprise visit to the courtroom, and the Safavian trial, possibly to offer positive testimony, but that was nixed by Rove.

Aaronson said that, according to one RNC operative, who heard it second-hand, Rove snapped at the President, and Chief of Staff Josh Bolton, for even entertaining the thought.

Rove reportedly fired at the pair that “it’s bad enough we have Scooter Libby being photographed traipsing in and out of court.”

Later, Rove is said to apologize and offered the President that he could, if he wanted to, add a Signing Statement to Safavian’s conviction.

With the President on a roll, White House officials eschewed issuing a new Terror Alert, after the conviction of former Bush Administration official David Safavian

Top Ten Cloves: Besides “Last Throes”, Other Things Dick Cheney May Have Underestimated

News Item: Cheney Says U.S. Underestimated Iraq Insurgency

10. With too few of them in the world, how the Germans didn’t have the foresight to save Hitler’s Secret Bunker

9. How long Osama bin Laden can stay hidden for

8. That we’re not prosecuting more journalists for leaking information about our War On Terror

7. Just how much money one can stash in a typical, American freezer

6. What are you saying – Dubai Company is still running U.S. Ports?

5. The lengths that Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is going to, to tie me into the CIA Leak Case

4. Someone in the U.S. Embassy in Iraq would actually send, over unsecured lines, such a grim report on life in Baghdad

3. That Rumsfield could, impressively, stay on message and thwart the defense procurement scandal inquiry

2. How well David Addington understands the need to acquire and consolidate Executive Office Power

1. Come to think of it, the size of Karl Roves’ big, fat backside

When it comes to staying on message, and promoting the Bush Agenda, Vice President Dick Cheney is said to be able to “throw it with the best of them”