Bolton: Card Had White House In Coma

White House Shake-Up Causes Bolton Snafu

Fiery UN Ambassador Thought Bush Reaching Out To Him; Lambastes Card and “that little bean-counting pansy”

The morning surprise, of the White House announcing the resignation of Chief of Staff Andy Card, reverberated all the way up to New York City, causing yet another Bush Administration gaffe.

At 8:30AM today, President Bush, made the announcement, televised nationally, of Card stepping down and being replaced with Office of Management and Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten. During Bush’s first term, Bolten served as deputy White House chief of staff.

Through yet-to-be explained circumstances, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, upon hearing the news, either in an email or telephone call, mistook the message that he was being called for the duty and immediately headed off to the airport, to fly down to Washington.

And the Miers thing

Encountering news media on his way, a beaming Ambassador Bolton offered a running, unprompted discourse, as he made his way to the shuttle flight.

“It’s about God-damned time they pulled me from this hellhole,” said the U.N. Ambassador. “I told the President, two-years ago, to dump that bastard ... He had the White House in coma during the Hurricane last year ... And the Miers thing, my God, he couldn’t have screwed that pooch more if he studied for it.”

Bolton was President Bush’s controversial, and contested, choice in March 2005 to succeed John Danforth, who resigned after a short term, as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

With a reputation for being a bully, Bolton faced a contentious Senate confirmation process, who reminded the public servant of some of his past statements, denouncing North Korean leader Kim Jong Il on the eve of talks, labeling Kim a "tyrannical dictator."

Bolton also held a low opinion of the United Nations, saying once that “There's no such thing as the United Nations. If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference.”

Bolton’s appointment was ultimately filibustered and President Bush, in August 2005, named Bolton Ambassador through a recess appointment.

Chief of Ass Kicking

While waiting for his flight to Washington, Bolton continued speaking with the media.

“Yep, I’m going to settle right in and start kicking some ass right away ... I think I’ll ask the President if I can have the title of “Chief of Ass Kicking” instead ... Has a nice ring to it and it’ll kick those assholes in line.”

Bolton was then interrupted by his cell phone ringing and, after a few moments of listening, he became enraged and began shouting into the phone.

“That little bean-counting pansy! ... You gotta be shitting me! ... No way, not this time ... I’ve paid my dues, I want that office.”

At that point, members of Bolton’s staff arrived at the airport and ushered the still raging Ambassador into a private office off the lobby area and exited the airport through a different exit.

In Washington, there was no immediate comment from the White House.

After the President’s televised announcement, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that “We have spoken with the Ambassador and he has passed on to the President and new Chief of Staff his congratulations and best wishes. He told the President that he made a strong choice.”

McClellan said he would have no comment if Joshua Bolten would replace Card in the White House Iraq Group, or the new, White House Iraq and Iran Group, or if someone new would be added.

In a related matter, Washington Post reporter, and Bush legacy author, Bob Woodward said this morning that Andy Card told him he was going to resign “over two-years ago”.

“He wanted time to market the resignation,” said Woodward, “and I promised I wouldn’t write about it until it was a done deal.”

U.N Ambassador John Bolton, disappointed he wasn't named new Chief of Staff, said that "Card had the White House in a coma" and referred to Joshua Bolten as "that little bean-counting pansy"

News In Brief: New Immigration Bill Sidelines Fox News; Dobbs Says “Ruins My November Sweeps”

Fox News, AMW, Dobbs Not Pleased With Senate Immigration Measure

Say Lucrative Programming and Syndication Could Be Lost; Fox’s O’Reilly “War To Save Borders” On Hold

The late night, 12-6, bipartisan vote by the Senate Judiciary Committee, backing President Bush's favored approach to new immigration laws, was criticized this morning, by members of Congress, as well as some of the nations’ media giants.

With conservatives clamoring for sealed borders, and felony laws to be charged to illegal immigrants, the bill that came out of committee and that will go before the full floor of the Senate will embrace the views of the President, offering Guest Worker status and visas to millions of undocumented workers.

Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said that he was “disappointed”, having his own, harsher bill that was to be put forward. Frist vowed that he will “beef up the security” of the new bill, and “insist on video cameras to be deployed” in the security of the borders.

“If I can diagnose a comatose, but healthy woman by videotape, I feel confident we can secure our borders with videotape. It is vital that they be used in this way.”

Fox News, AMW Come Out Against Measure.

Roger Ailes, Fox News President said that “this will be a blow to some of our programming.”

“We were laying out some big plans, with all our top guns – Cavuto, Gibson, Hume, O’Reilly and Hannity – to really lay into the border issue and how the government is giving away America. We may end up having to tone it down some, find another angle to fire up our viewers.”

Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News’ “O’Reilly Factor” said that “these knuckleheads don’t know what they’re doing”.

O’Reilly conceded that his next effort, “War To Save The Borders” may not be launched and that he’s taking back San Francisco from Al-Qaeda and giving it to the illegal immigrants.

“No, the terrorist can’t have the fruit city anymore,” scoffed O’Reilly. “We’ll give it to the illegals’ now, let them run all over it ... do whatever they want ... That’s want the President and Congress are telling them.”

John Walsh, host of the popular “America’s Most Wanted” also expressed dismay.

“We had some big plans to add to the AMW franchise,” said Walsh. “If they kept the felony charges attached to the bill, we were going to launch “America’s Most Wanted Illegal Aliens” and we had a syndication deal with Univision that would have given us millions and millions more viewers.”

Dobbs Says November Sweeps Blown

CNN’s Lou Dobbs said, with resignation, “there goes another shining example of our democracy.”

Dobbs, along with his railing against the outsourcing of jobs in his “Exporting America” series, has beat the drum on border security as well.

“It just astounds me, “said Dobbs, “the things our government does. This bill, if it survives as is, ruins my November Sweeps plans. They’re gone ... poof ... But, hey, who knows, maybe by the Fall, CNN will have outsourced my job – or, our borders will be overrun and they’ve taken control of the station”

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Afghanistan Prosecutors Found Abdul Rahman Mentally Unfit

News Item: Afghan Convert Cleared, Released From Prison

10. Prisons filled up with CIA Extraordinary Rendition detainees, so no place to hold him

9. President Bush was mounting “New Strategy For Victory In Abdul Rahman Case” and couldn’t compete with that

8. Trying to explain what “apostasy” is to average Afghans would have been too much work

7. Found his claim of hearing strange voices was that he listens to Rush Limbaugh’s radio program, so he must be crazy

6. Fearful a trial would give rise to an Aljazeera Nancy Grace-type program

5. Says he had good reason to believe that K.T. McFarland was spying on him

4. Public support to execute Rahman was going to change after his upcoming appearance on “The Colbert Report”

3. Investigation got corrupted - Carla Martin was found coaching witnesses

2. Discovered he truly believed that new Afghan Constitution and Democracy was going to clear and save him

1. Rahman said he was converting from Christianity, to Scientology, and that meant having the wrath of Tom Cruise behind him

Bush Immigration Plan Gets "Some Influence"

White House May Employ Lincoln Group In Border, Immigration Clash

Unlike Iraqi Program, PR Firm Will Plant Anti-American Stories in Mexican Media

Seeking to shore up his base, and end the growing, heated battle with Congress, and his own party’s leadership, President Bush said this morning that he may extend the contract of the Lincoln Group, beyond Iraq, to begin planting Anti-American stories in the Mexican media, as means to stem the wave of illegal immigration.

Speaking this morning at a naturalization ceremony in Washington to swear in 30 new American citizens from 20 countries , President Bush, according to the Washington Post, urged Congress to pass legislation in a "civil and dignified way" and to "move beyond tired choices and the harsh attitudes of the past."

Bu against a backdrop of millions of demonstrators protesting in Los Angeles, Chicago and cities across the country, Congress and Senate members are facing re-election later this year and proposing legislation that would ignore the President’s “Guest Worker” program and make illegal immigration a felony.

Tancredo Wants “Star Wars Wall” Along Border

Yesterday, on ABC News’ "This Week with George Stephanopoulos", Senator. Arlen Specter (R-PA) sent the warning that there are "11 million undocumented immigrants in the country" and, "We have a national security problem. … We need to know who they are and where they are."

Appearing on the same program, Representative Tom Tancredo (R-CO) called for stronger measures.

Tancredo would like to see a “Star War Defensive Wall” built along the border between the United States and Mexico, as well as enforcing current laws and also prosecuting businesses who hire illegal immigrants.

Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN), who threatens to submit his own Immigration bill tomorrow, said he’d like to see a video of the President’s plans, and any others by his colleagues, before taking any action.

The White House has been scrambling to come up with a solution.

According to sources close to the White House, President Bush “is signing anything that will put a plug in this mess.”

“He’s looking at Executive Orders, Signing Statements, anything,” says David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?’ the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party

Aaronson said that the first instinct of the White House was to have Karl Rove launch a smear campaign against those in the Congress and Senate who oppose the President’s plan, but White House Chief of Staff Andy Card reined in Rove before the smears were released.

“I think Card felt it would have been too difficult to translate the smears into Spanish, “said Aaronson, “or that they would end up having a different meaning or context.”

The White House ruled out blaming the media for the immigration troubles, feeling they have to keep that focused for the problems their having with the War in Iraq

Lincoln Group al Rescate

Aaronson, and multiple sources, are saying that, from a chance, off-handed comment, the White House is looking at employing the Lincoln Group, the PR firm hired by the Department of Defense to “influence” the Iraqi media with pro-American and pro-U.S. Military stories.

Reportedly, at a breakfast meeting over the weekend, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made an off-hand comment that had the President and Card just look at each other, in stunned amazement.

“You should let my guys take a crack at it, “said Rumsfeld, between bites of grapefruit, sprinkled with granola, “All they have to do is flip the influence around.”

A few hours later, the Lincoln Group's Paige Craig, president and Andrew Garfield, the Senior Director for Insight and Influence were seen being ushered into the West Wing.

“Operation Rove Reverse”

It’s not known if “Operation Rove Reverse”, the title given to the Lincoln Group’s immigration program has started yet.

It is expected that the Lincoln Group will being writing news stories, in English and Spanish, that will be planted in various Mexican media, showing life in America in a “very unfavorable light”, including the threat of jail time, with references to the prison in Guantanamo Bay.

Plans also call for product placement and plot lines in the extremely popular telenovelas, or soap operas, as well as producing humorous sketches with anti-American messages for the legendary program, “Sábado Gigante”.

“I heard,” said Aaronson, “that one of the pieces Lincoln will present is that Harry Whittington was an illegal immigrant and Vice President Dick Cheney caught him coming over the border.”

The Lincoln Group may use Vice President Dick Cheney's shooting incident in their "Operation Rove Reverse" campaign, to scare off illegal immigrants

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things K.T. McFarland Says Hillary Clinton Is Doing To Her Besides Spying

News Item: Clinton Challenger Says Spying Charge “A Joke”

10. Told Condi Rice that I’m going to go up against her, for the Commissioner of NFL job

9. Erroneously states I’m running the same type of campaign as Kathleen Harris

8. Claims I am an illegal immigrant and is going to draft legislation specifically against me

7. Spreading rumor that I’m am member of the Super Adventure Club

6. Attaching amendment to Feingold’s bill to censure me as well

5. Has the Lincoln Group planting bad stories about me in the Iraqi Media

4. Privately told me, next time she sends the helicopters over my house in Southhampton, they’re going to fire rockets at me

3. Attempting to link me to Zacarias Moussaoui and say I was the 21^st Hijacker

2. Is paying Keith Olbermann to name me “Worst Person In The World” until election day

1. Posting the photos she took of me outside my Manhattan apartment on MySpace.Com

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 26 March 2006

Left off the Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements rider was Dick Cheney's sometimes preference to be greeted at his location by a regiment of dress uniform-clad cadets, in salute pose

And speaking of being left off, former Attorney General-turned Lobbyist John Ashcroft said he was "disappointed" that Cheney hasn't required that his song, "When Eagles Soar" be playing when he enters his hotel room and has offered to donate copies of the music to the Vice President's travel team









Lambasted, justly so, by MSNBC's Countdown Host Keith Olbermann, for criticizing the media for only showing the violence in Iraq, saying that “it was not only unforgivable of her; it was desperate and it was stupid,” conservative radio talk show host Laura Ingraham announced that she will adopt the Bill O'Reilly policy of dumping any caller into her show who mentions Olbermann's name. Ingraham would not say if she will also have Fox News Security follow up and harass the callers

"I'm outta here!", said Bullseye, the Target Department Store icon and mascot, after abruptly resigning. Rumors suggest that Bullseye may be joining the "South Park" show, replacing the character of "Chef" and aiding the cast in their fight against the Super Adventure Club

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad shocked just about the entire world, when he said that he can "relate and empathize" with President Bush. saying that "the American Media doesn't give me very good coverage either ... They don't show the good things that are happening ,,,"

Signs of trouble are brewing in the State Department, as, privately, employees, and staff of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice say that are being harassed.

Reports are that Rice so openly is coveting the job of Commissioner of the National Football League, that she has taken to walking around the building, interrupting meetings, badgering people on telephone calls, to hand out autographed footballs

Garlic Poll Results

And The Winner Is ..... Tom Cruise

The results of the first poll by The Garlic, the new feature introduced last week, are in and sofa-jumping Tom Cruise was the winner in a squeaker.

With the question, “President Bush Will Say There’s Civil War In Iraq, When ...”

48% of the voters said when “Tom Cruise lets South Park rerun the “Trapped In The Closet: episode, beating out, at 42% of when George Clooney will begin blogging on the Huffington Post.

Be sure to vote in this week’s The Garlic Poll – Most People Think The PNAC Is ...

Scroll up to the top of the right-hand column to cast your vote!

Rumsfeld On Iran: "They’re just a big, paper tiger"

Bush Passing, Perhaps, Only Half-Buck To 2008 Winner

May Leave Iraq, But Says “I Want Iran – Big-time! ... They’re Mine!”

Following a ceremony at the White House this morning, celebrating Greek Independence Day, President Bush, speaking briefly to reporters, reiterated his comments as to leaving the war in Iraq to “future presidents” but added a caveat that has Washington buzzing.

“That’s true,” said the President, “The future president – that means, the person elected after me, you know – will have to settle the Iraqi conflict but I’m taking Iran. I want Iran – big-time and their all mine!”

The President’s staff quickly ushered him along, before reporters could ask a follow-up question.

This follows the statement made in a press conference earlier this week. When asked if there was a date, or timetable when there would be no more American Troops in Iraq, the President responded, “That, of course, is an objective. And that will be decided by future presidents and future governments of Iraq”

Iran Invasion Coming?

The Iran reference sent an electric buzz through the nation’s capital, as many look to piece together recent actions and statements by the Administration, to see if an invasion of Iran is imminent.

Yesterday, in Baghdad, U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad accused Iran of supporting the Iraqi Governments protracted political process and giving aid and training to Shiite Muslim militias.

"Our judgment is that training and supplying, direct or indirect, takes place, and that there is also provision of financial resources to people, to militias, and that there is presence of people associated with Revolutionary Guard and with MOIS," said the Ambassador, according to the Washington Post.

Earlier this week, the Bush Administration, admitting to problems in Iraq, with a significant part of the population having difficulty in finding the Road To Democracy, leveled charges that there was evidence the Iranians are naming streets and avenues in Iraq.

And last week, President Bush released his update National Security Strategy, which calls for the continuation of the policy of his doctrine of preemptive war against terrorists and hostile states with chemical, biological or nuclear weapons.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan appeared to be caught off-guard by the President’s comments about Iran.

“Are you sure he said that?” quizzed McClellan. “He didn’t say that “people are saying I want to attack Iran”, or that “they say I want to go after Iran”, something like that?”

Rumsfeld: "Something Maureen Dowd Would Say"

Over at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he wasn’t aware of the President’s statements, but welcomed them.

“Ohhhh, it would be no big deal to take Iran. They’re just a big, paper tiger. It sounds more like something that that writer ... that Maureen Dowd gal would say. ... But don’t ask me, I’m just an eccentric old uncle who pops off and is ignored”

“Just the same,” said Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative think tank, 'Cry Wolf', “if I were Iran, I wouldn’t do anything in the upcoming days or weeks to provoke the President. His hourglass is running out of sand as to blaming the media for the mess he has in Iraq, he just might take the slightest jab as a reason to launch us into Iran.”

“After all, he never did answer Helen Thomas’s question the other day, on why we went into Iraq.”

President Bush never did answer Helen Thomas's question on why we went into Iraq

Garlic Update of "Fixin' To Die Rag"

The Anti-Iran War Anthem?

In 1965, Country Joe McDonald wrote the “Fixin’ To Die Rag”as an anti-war anthem to the quagmire in Vietman.

In 2006, The Garlic updates it to the current and future quagmire the Bush Administration has placed us in.

1965

And it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for –
Don't ask me I don't give a damn ... Next stop is Vietnam
And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die.

2006

And it's one, two, three, what are we fighting for –
Don't ask me I don't give a damn ... Next stop is Tehran
And it's five, six, seven, open up the oil fields
Ain't no time for Congress to cry ... whoopee, it’s another Bush lie...

Top Ten Cloves: Slogans and Tag Lines For Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite – If Dick Cheney Was Pitchman

News Item - Vice Presidential Downtime Requirements

10. I'm absolutely convinced that the threat we face now is not having enough Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

9. Obviously, New Orleans has been through a great trauma ... They could use some Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

8. If nominated, I will not run, If elected, I will not serve, but if handed a Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, I will drink

7. And on at least one occasion, we have reporting that places him in Prague with Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

6. Before I cast any tie-breaking votes in the Senate, I have myself a Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

5. We will, in fact, be greeted with cans of Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

4. It is easy to take Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite for granted, when you have never had it taken from you.

3. We now know that Saddam Hussein has resumed his efforts to acquire Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

2. Go fuck yourself, Senator Leahy ... But before you do that, have a refreshing Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite

1. Either you’re for Caffeine-Free Diet Sprite, or you’re against it

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible

Catholic Church To Follow IRS Lead; Will Begin To Sell Confessions

Move Forecasted To Be Boon For On-Line Porn, Gambling, and Divorce Industries

In a stunning move, the Vatican announced late yesterday that it will soon begin selling the confessions of the Catholic Church’s followers, citing a need to update some obsolete cannons, and generate much needed revenue.

The new measure was discovered in a routine, yearly review of church laws, portrayed as housecleaning and was, initially, considered by the Vatican as "not a significant regulatory action."

The move to begin selling the sacrament of confession came in a section detailing the upgrade of the church’s technological infrastructure and some in the Vatican see this as a means to cover those costs.

“We’re looking at a substantial overhaul,” said a Vatican spokesperson, “at a time when the church’s fiscal abilities are already constrained.

No Tie To IRS Change, Who Defends Selling Tax Return Data

The Vatican denies that the selling of confessions was timed to news that, in the United States, the Internal Revenue Service was attempting to pave the way to allow tax preparers the right to sell tax returns, to databanks and marketers.

It was discovered that, buried in a bevy of new rules by the IRS, from a posting last December, was to allow the sale of data from citizens’ tax returns. And it appears the agency was attempting to pass the measure through unnoticed.

The measure allowing the sale was titled "IRS issues proposed regulations to safeguard taxpayer information."

Upon the discovery, consumer advocates and elected officials seized on it, and the potential breach of confidentiality and abuses by third parties.

In a letter to IRS Commissioner Mark Everson, Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) wrote that "There is no more sensitive information than a taxpayer's return, and the IRS proposal to allow those returns to be sold to third-party marketers is deeply troubling."

Obama would not comment if he has plans to record the new law for his next ‘Spoken Word’ project, and if he will go after another Grammy Award with it.

IRS spokesman William M. Cressman defended the action.

"The heart of this proposed regulation is about the right of taxpayers to control their tax return information. The idea is to emphasize taxpayer consent and set clear boundaries on how tax return preparers can use or disclose tax return information."

Catholic League Wants Disclaimer; Swift Boat Vets To List Kerry Sins

Catholics have become outraged with the proposed sale of confessions.

William A. Donohue, president of the conservative Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, denounced the move, but with some reservations.

“The timing on this couldn’t be worse,” huffed Donohue. “They want us to go out and defend the church against the slanderous and outrageously false “The Da Vinci Code” movie, and now this. I will ask the Vatican, at a minimum, to put a disclaimer on the confessional booths.”

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), a devout Catholic said he doesn’t see an issue with selling confessions.

“If you have good family values, you’re not gay or support gay causes, then there isn’t anything to worry about. If we wanted, we can get all the confessions we want via the Patriot Act, or through the Extraordinary Rendition program.”

Former Presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-MA) said he found the announcement from the Vatican “troubling.”

“I’ll have to study this more,” said Kerry. “I may be against it now, but vote for it later, or vice versa.”

The Swift Boat Veterans welcomed the move by the Vatican and announced plans to release to their local church, “an extremely long list of sins” committed by Kerry

Deathbed Confessions Expected To Be “Very Lucrative”

The Vatican document on the selling of confessions lists revenue projections, and the church sees the move as being a financial windfall.

Expected to be big earners for the church are the on-line enterprises of pornography and gambling, followed by the divorce industry.

Mortal sins are anticipated to bring in tenfold the revenue, versus venial sins.

“We believe,” said the Vatican spokesperson, “that the developed countries, like America, the Europeans, some sections of Asia and the Far East, will be the overwhelming main market for this. The underdeveloped nations, places were we have missionaries, we see as a bigger challenge, but, in the long-term, a substantially large market for us.”

The reports also sees “deathbed confessions” as being very lucrative.

The revenue generated will go towards the church’s planned technology upgrade, such as new computers, cell phones, PDA’s and other devices, mostly for daily business.

New, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths Possible

With the selling of confessions, the report does address the need to update the confessional booth, and have the ability to document the confessions for the purpose of selling them

Early drafts show a more modern booth, with a small touch screen and keypad.

Sinners will enter the booth and key in their password. On the touch screen, there will be a multiple choice offering - they can then decide if they will allow their all of confession to be sold, only a portion of them, none at all, or they can store their confessions for up to 90-days and then allow the sale, or delete the entries.

There is some heated discussion in the Vatican over the plan.

Some bishops are arguing, that it the church gets in the business of selling confession, the sinner should receive something, if not a revenue-share plan, then it should be a lighter penance.

Others are behind the position say that the sinners should be charged in this new system, for their penance, with prices attached to the “Hail Mary”, ‘Our Father” prayers, and the Rosary.

When asked about the confession, where the sinner fesses up to cheating on their tax returns, the Vatican spokesperson smiled, and simply said;

“That’s our jackpot.”

Garlic Exclusive!

At a recent Conference of Bishops at the Vatican, the new touchscreen technology was tested out, that would be used in the new, Hi-Tech Confessional Booths

News In Brief – One Propaganda Investigation Closed, A New One Opens

New Bush Brouhaha – Did Lincoln Group Clear Themselves Of Wrongdoing?

Inquiry Allegedly Finds No Violations; Defense Dept. Now Investigating Who Sent Out Press Release

The Department of Defense said today that an investigation has been opened on one of their vendors, the Lincoln Group, to find out if they sent out a press release, announcing that they had been cleared in a an earlier investigation, as to violating military rules or policies around their work in Iraq.

The Lincoln Group, it was discovered last Fall, was given a contract by the Pentagon to write and plant pro-American and pro-Military stories in the Iraqi media, at times, paying Iraqi reporters and news organizations to run the stories, as their own editorial content, and without the declaration that they were paid pieces.

The earlier investigation was ordered by General George W. Casey Jr., the senior American commander in Iraq.

The finds were that the Lincoln Group broke no rules in paying to have the articles placed, without attribution, since there military rules, or stipulations in their contract with the Pentagon, forbidding it.

Critics have charged that the U.S. Military is conducting a propaganda campaign.

It would up to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and the Department of Defense to draw up and institute such rules moving forward.

“Heavens,” said Rumsfeld, when questioned by reporters outside his office. “Don’t you think we have enough rules and regulations? Goodness Gracious, we’re trying to lighten up the military, and fight the terrorists. We don’t really have the time to sit down and look at who wrote this, and who wrote that.”

The Lincoln Group would have no comment, on the ruling, their contract with the Pentagon, or the pending new investigation.

Sources tell The Garlic that, if Lincoln Group did issue the press release that announced they were cleared, it could be a signal that American media outlets were being paid to run Pentagon content.

“This could mean,” said Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist, “that the recent upturn by the President and others, about bashing the media over the Iraq coverage is just a smokescreen.”

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Condoleezza Rice Becoming NFL Commissioner

10. She’ll finally have a job where she won’t be surprised by the outcome of most games

9. Games tied at the end of regulation, teams will have to go to United Nations Security Council to have winner determined

8. Likely, she’ll have league renew sponsorship with Erectile Dysfunction Drug Levitra

7. Can probably extend the Bush policy of complaining about media not telling the good stories happening in NFL

6. Because of ties to the Lincoln Group, can get NFL stories planted in Iraqi media

5. Gives Halliburton No-Bid Contract to provide all half-time shows

4. Instead of fines and suspensions for breaking rules, Commissioner Rice will have CIA put offenders in Extraordinary Rendition program

3. As a favor to Bush Administration, will open up NFL fields and stadiums to drilling for oil

2. Will order Terrell Owns to do steamy locker room opening to ABC's Monday Night Football promo with her, in the towel

1. Launches invasion and occupation of Canadian Football League; Says sports world will be safer without them

Possible Evidence of Iranian-Named Streets

Reports Show Iraqis Confused; Can’t Find “Road To Democracy”

Google Maps Comes Up Empty; Scores of Thousands Say Adds “Hours” On To Their Travels

As President Bush continues along with his Bushapalooza Tour, attempting to lift continuing plummeting approval numbers, and leading the chorus of voices from the Administration that Iraq is not engaged in a Civil War, a new problem has surfaced.

Reports coming out of Iraq, with the country following nearly every word coming out of Washington, Iraqis are complaining that they can’t find the “Road To Democracy” that is constantly referred to by President Bush.

“We look and look,” said one Iraqi citizen. “Many areas have been torn apart by bombs and fighting, so, maybe the street signs haven’t been put back up yet.”

“It sound like a wonderful place,” said an Iraqi woman, traveling by bicycle. “I have many map books, but I can not find this road and I get very tired just riding around to nowhere.”

McClellan Charges Media Reporting On Streets, “The one’s with fighting and IED’s”

White House Spokesman Scott McClellan admitted that the Administration is aware of the issue, and took another shot at the media.

“You have to understand,” said McClellan, “You have over 11-million people who are used to getting their news from one, government controlled source. From a dictator and torturer, who had weapons of mass destruction and ties to Al-Qaeda. And now they have all kinds of media available to them – when there is electricity – at their fingertips.”

“ There’s, basically, two realities– the old Iraq, and the new, American-run Iraq,” added McClellan.

“Of course,” McClellan went on, “the media is going to concentrate on the streets the Iraqis can’t find, the ones with fighting and IED’s, instead of reporting on the wonderful, heartwarming streets the Iraqis have access to, and can walk down. The President remains very optimistic that the Iraqis will have the freedom to walk down all the streets”

Rumsfeld: “Goodness, it’s there, large as life”

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld weighed in on the troubles that have been reported about finding the Road to Democracy.

“Goodness, it’s there, large as life, as big on the noses on their faces,” said the Secretary. “For the life of me, I don’t understand how they can be missing it. It’s almost inconceivable that such a situation exists.”

Pentagon spokesperson Navy Lieutenant Commander J.D. Gordon conceded that both the Defense and State Departments have been “besieged” recently, over where the Road to Democracy is. Gordon stated that even members of the new Iraq Government have been calling, saying that even using Google Maps, the location cannot be found.

“Apparently, Google Maps, and even Thomas Guides, don’t list the location,” Gordon said.

New Lincoln Group Contract For “Democracy Court” and “Freedom Avenue”

Gordon would not confirm or deny the reports that the Lincoln Group, the PR firm contracted by the Defense Department to plant pro-American stories in the Iraqi media, are working on a new map layout of Baghdad, and other large Iraqi cities.

“Lincoln Group is in there,” offered Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century.

“They’re redoing all the maps in the city, giving new names to places, like “Democracy Court”, and “Freedom Avenue”. They are completely ignoring Iraqi input and it’s a mess. They’ve had to go back and start planting stories about themselves in the media there, on how good the new street names are.”

Possible Evidence of Iranian-Named Streets

Martins said that there is concern from the commanders in Iraq, as well as back in Washington, that terrorists, and other outsiders, are bringing in their own street names.

“That dog-and-pony show they did last week, Operation Swarmer, or whatever it was.” said Martins, “Well the scuttlebutt is that they found a cache of street signs – written in an Iranian dialect – and that has them scrambling back in Washington.

Martins says that President Bush is giving this his full attention.

“He’s talking about bringing Iran before the U.N.,” said Martins. “They have no authorization to be naming streets in Iraq.”

McClellan said that the President “is aware of the situation.”

“The President remains committed and is not going to abandon his commitment, “ said McClellan. “We have to establish for the Iraqis, this Road to Democracy and continue the battle. It’s better for the terrorists to be naming streets over there, then naming them here.”

One Penatagon plan calls for the U.S. Military to install banks of television screens, displaying maps of the city streets, to assist the Iraqis in finding the Road to Democracy

Top Ten Cloves: Issues Behind France Making Apple Open Up iTunes

10. Got tired of reading about the Danish Cartoon controversy

9. It was one of the demands by the Muslim youth, when the rioted last Fall

8. Getting millions and millions of francs from Microsoft to pass law, so they can build up MSN Music across the EU

7. Initially thought they had George Clooney’sendorsement of new law, but after the Huffington Post thing...

6. Just don’t like Steve Jobs’ turtlenecks – Believe he’s trying to be “too chic”

5. They gave exclusive rights to EuroDisney, and everybody knows how that turned out

4. Hopes it will help acceptance of new French Labor Law; Can give cheaper music players as severance to fired youths

3. It was either this, or passing new resolution supporting Tom Cruise killing off the South Park episode, “Trapped In The Closet”

2. Part of new campaign against American companies, as payback for the Freedom Fries thing

1. Attempt to strong-arm Apple, to create special, Jerry Lewis section in the iTunes Store

New Salvo In War With Media

President Ups Media-War Ante; Bush, White House To Meet With Tom Cruise

Will Seek Actor/Scientologists’ Power In Getting More Iraqi War “Feel Good” Stories On-Air

Firing another salvo in his efforts to sell the War in Iraq, President Bush, after his freewheeling press conference this morning – only his second this year – clearly blamed the media for most of the problems he and the administration are facing in Iraq.

The President, as he left the podium, eyed Hearst White House Columnist Helen Thomas, the veteran, dean of White House reporters, who pushed the President – after being frozen out and ignored for over three-years – during the press conference, asking him why he invade Iraq, and was reported to have said;

“You wouldn’t know a good Iraqi story if it had arms and slapped you.”

This has been a growing battle, as the more criticism leveled at the President, and his administration, over the seemingly lack of progress in Iraq, and the War on Terror, the more the administration has fired back, faulting the media for ignoring their message, and the “tremendous progress” being made in Iraq.

Cruise Control For The Press?

The President left the press room before Thomas could respond and quickly, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan took to the podium and dropped a bombshell.

Saying that they hoped to leverage “the good news coming out of Iraq daily”, McClellan said that later this week, actor Tom Cruise will be coming to the White House, to meet with President Bush, Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield, who will seek through Cruise, getting more of the pro-Iraqi stories on television.

“I think we all saw this week, the power and influence Mr. Cruise has, reportedly, in keeping bad stories off television,” said McClellan, “we’d like to see if he wants to join the War on Terror and help us in the March For Democracy in Iraq, with getting the good stories, showing the incredible progress, coming out of Iraq.”

“He played a war hero in one film, now he has a chance to play one in real life,” added McClellan.

Neither Cruise, or his publicist had any comment on the upcoming White House meeting.

Cruise is at the epicenter of a wildfire story, that he used his position in influence to prevent a rerun of the popular Comedy Central program, “South Park” from airing this week.

The “South Park” program was set to rebroadcast “Trapped In The Closet”, first aired last November, an episode that satirizes Scientology, and the long persistent rumors of Cruise’s lifestyle.

The news of the rebroadcast prompted singer Isaac Hayes, voice of the “Chef” character in “South Park”, and also a Scientologist, like Cruise, to abruptly resign from the show.

Cruise, reportedly, used his star power with Paramount studios, producers of the soon-to-be released “Mission Impossible III”, staring Cruise, to pressure parent company, of both the studio, and Comedy Central network, Viacom, to have the episode’s rebroadcast shelved.

Creators of “South Park”, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, fired back at Cruise, saying “So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!"

McClellan read, in part a statement from President Bush, saying that;

“I like that top gunner Cruise guy. He’s not a quitter, he’s not going to cut-and-run. He sees a problem, like we had with Saddam Hussein, and he goes straight after it – just like we did.”

President Passing Iraq Off To Next White House?

While the administration may be solving one problem, McClellan was forced to do clean-up from another matter coming out of the press conference this morning.

When asked the question “Will there come a day -- and I'm not asking you when; I'm not asking for a timetable -- will there come a day when there will be no more American forces in Iraq?”, the President appeared to be passing the buck to the next administration that will follow him in 2008.

“That, of course, is an objective. And that will be decided by future presidents and future governments of Iraq.”

“The President wasn’t passing the buck,” said a defensive McClellan. “The President is confident that victory in Iraq will come long before 2008. It may be left for the next administration, and the new Iraq government, when they do come up with one, that there could be remnants of the sectarian violence we’re seeing today. The next President may call it a Civil War, and decide to pull all troops out of Iraq, or, he may, as we see it, as terrorist-infused sectarian violence – not a Civil War - and come up with his own strategy to deal with it.”

President Bush is planning on the assistance of Tom Cruise, to wield his influence and get more positive stories from Iraq on television

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Bush, Cheney, RNC Keep Tying Saddam Hussein To al-Qaeda and 9-11

10. Just F’n kiddin’ around with Keith Olbermann

9. Cheney feels that those who don’t believe it, that “my view would be they've reached a stage of desperation from their standpoint."

8. It’s the media’s fault, they’re not reporting on any of our other lies and mistakes that have been positive and made good progress

7. Playing the odds, in case Iraqi courts finds him innocent, will extradite him here to stand trial

6. Don’t know ... People wonder what we see on our television screens that they don’t ... Just optimism, I guess

5. Keeps Dick Cheney’s mind off of hunting

4. It plays really, really good in RNC focus groups

3. Until recently, was using the 2002 Doctrine of Preemptive War and haven’t got used to the new updated one yet

2. Trying to flush out Osama bin Laden: Has intelligence it really pisses him off

1. Like Scooter Libby, too busy– Haven’t read the 9-11 Report yet