Wednesday 30 March 2005

White House Eyes Role For Annan

The White House yesterday, offered no criticism of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan following the blistering report on the corrupt Oil-For-Food program and hinted that they may have a role for Annan.

Speaking for the President at the daily briefing, Press Secretary Scott McClellan responded "Hell, yes!" to a question if the Bush Administration would welcome the beleagured dipolmat.

"The President is impressed, first with his ability to conduct such a large-scale scam, and include some heavy-duty patronagism", referring to Kojo Annan, the son at the center of the scandal. "Secondly, that he can ignore his critics, and staunchily deny any wrong-doing, that's the kind of people we like to have on our team".

The investigation led by former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker found no wrongdoing by Annan, but it directly faulted the secretary-general's management and oversight of the scandal-ridden oil-for-food program in Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

Annan indicated that he accepts the criticism and offered a rare invective of "Hell, no" when asked if he would step down.

"It was also impressive", offered McClellan, "how he insulated himself and deflected any direct connection. Vice President Cheney was really bowled over by that".

McClellan refused to say if the White House was offering a position to Annan, and what that position would be.

"A scoundral with that level of world experience … The possibilities are endless … I think MasterCard would say ...Priceless"



Google Acquires Urchin; Sets Up For Revenue Windfall

Google Inc. took a giant step yesterday towards, in essence, printing money, as they agreed to acquire the Urchin Software Corporation. Urchin is a ubiquitous software product that assists tens-of-thousands of companies to review and analyze their website traffic, and better understand performance, advertisements and visitor behavior.

"With taking over Urchin", offered Jonathan Rosenberg, Google's vice president for product management, "We can completely obfuscate the data to highlight the high-performance and impressive return of investment with Google Ad Words"

Insider rumors say that Google had already perfected the algorithm, but lacked the proper platform to run it. Having the Urchin access will give Google unfettered entry to scores-of-thousands of new customers. This, the insiders speculate, will turn into millions of new dollars for Google's Ad Words program.

"They'll never know what hit them" said Rosenburg "They'll come from miles around, pay their money, not knowing what they really are paying for, and be happy to do so"

Top Ten Cloves: McDonald's New Hit Rap Tunes

10. Arches Ain't Golden In My Hood!

9. Yu'b a Badunkadunk Actress wit dat Q-Lb

8. Man, yu'b 5150 fa da Mac Attack!

7. Boot Up Ron'uld, I'm Comin' Atcha

6. Bucktown Bust'a Big Mac!

5. Bumboklaat - Trillizzleon Served!

4. Beam Me Up Mickey Dee

3. Check The Cronkite and Get Down wit da Mac

2. Mickey D's Got The Blix

1. Ay Yo Trip, The Mic Be Payin' fo' My Playin'

Tuesday 29 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Easter Egg Hunt Yields Sadam's WMD's

U.S. and Coalition forces on Sunday, participating in a improvised Easter Egg hunt, stumbled upon the long-sought cache of Sadam Hussian's Weapons of Mass Destruction.

A Pentagon spokesperson indicated the division stationed on the outskirts of Baghdad, consisting of U.S and Coalition forces were relaxing, waiting for their special Easter dinner, when they decided to improvise and conduct an Easter Egg hunt. An officer hid objects found in the camp and approximately 15 soldiers went about looking to find them.

In poking under a bush, Private Bobby Douglas, of Montgomery, AL discovered a covered trap door, leading to an underground storage unit, said to be the size of a football field. Contained in the storage unit were racks of a variety of weapon systems, chemical beakers, and undisclosed artillery and ammunition crates.

Forces were still cataloging the find late into Monday afternoon.

"I'm just tickled", offered Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in a released statement. "Hunting Easter Eggs is an untidy business, it's messy. To find these WMD's is wonderful".

The United Nations Team of Inspectors admitted that they did not use 'Easter Egg Hunting' in their efforts to discover the WMD's and indicated that it would be added to their disciplines in future efforts.

As to the contest, Lt. Eddie Suater of Milwaukee, WI was the overall winner, collecting 8 of the 25 hidden Easter Egg objects. Both Suater and Douglas will be awarded medals for their efforts.

The Pentagon indicated that next Easter, they will mandate that all units stationed in Iraq conduct Easter Eggs Hunts for the purpose of finding additional WMD's.



Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort

As her first initiative in her new role as Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes will begin and extensive, broad, far-reaching Tupperware party to help lift the image of the United States.

"What better way to get to know your neighbors", beamed Ms. Hughes, in her first press conference yesterday. "They can look at how properous and healthy Americans are and that is, in part, related to Tupperware.

The traveling Tupperware party will visit 15 countries in Europe, Asia and Africa and hosted by Hughes at U.S Embassies. In addition to selling the iconic food storage containers, Hughes also will recruit Sales Representatives, in under-developed Third World countries as a economic tool for those countries to enter the world trading stage.

"Along with developing self-confidence and self-esteem, the representatives from these countries will be building an important economic platform", offered Hughes. "They can help their fellow countryman properly store their rice and grains, or other donated food items, and, at the same time, earn bonus incentives, while they build their economy".

Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice endorsed the plan, indicating "we'd rather see them with a Tupperware bowl in their hands then a blackmarket nuclear device".

Hughes is said to be in talks with Mary Kay Inc., one of the largest direct sellers of skin care and color cosmetics in the world, for a second program next year, to help enhance the image of the United States.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Your Identity Has Been Hacked

10. Rep Tom Delay levels ethics charges against you

9. Fidel Castro lavishes you with praise in one of his four-hours speeches

8. You get flowers and a giftbasket from the Fab Five, welcoming you to the show - and you're straight

7. Mark McGwire names you as another topic he won't discuss

6. FCC hits you with record fine for indecency

5. Paris Hilton bitch slaps you for giving out her private number

4. President Bush has tapped you for the World Bank post

3. Greta Van Sustren has your photo posted on her Off The Record program, with the graphic 'At Large'

2. A subpeona arrives from Congress, for your large purchases of anabolic steroids

1. U.S. Marshall's show up and slap ankle monitor on you - Martha Stewart has named you as a co-conspirator

Monday 28 March 2005

President In Late Push To Add Daylight Saving Time To SS Bill

With clocks across American poised to be pushed ahead this coming Saturday, White House staffers and key Republicans are working against that deadline this week, as they seek to add Daylight Saving Time to the President's Social Security overhaul.

First suggested by Benjamin Franklin in 1784, it was not established in U.S. law until the Act of March 19, 1918, sometimes called the Standard Time Act. The act also established daylight saving time, a contentious idea. It was repealed in 1919, restablished during World War II and in 1966, it was standardized by the The Uniform Time Act .

Under President Bush's proposal, citizens who open up a private social security savings account will automatically get the Daylight Saving Time package, which also can be started indpendently.

The holder of a Daylight Saving Time package will accumulate two-hours (Spring and Fall), per year, tax free, and can be used in any manner they wish, without government directive or any type of fees.

Rep. Tom DeLay is pushing the bill in the House, indicating he'd "love to have some of those extra hours, without any government on my back" DeLay is currently under investigation for violation of ethics.

The White is working in the Senate with Majority Leader. Sen. Bill Frist. Frist, though supporting the measure, is attempting to attach a rider, giving an unspecified amount of extra hours to Terri Shiavo immediately, believing Florida official would have to abide by the bill or face Comtempt of Congress charges.

A bi-partisian group vows to block the bill, if it doesn't carry extra hours in the account for members of Congress. Insiders say the vote will be close and it's It's unclear if the President is seeking a new bill, or will have Congress draft a new Uniform Time Act



Red Sox To Remain At Fenway For Long Term
Seeking Eminent Domain Ruling for Large Chunk of Boston

In annoucing last week that the Boston Red Sox will continue to improve their historic Fenway Park, and remain at the league's oldest ballpark for the long term, sources to The Garlic have learned that this is contingent on receiving a favorable ruling as to taking a significant chunk of the City of Boston by Eminent Domain.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have filed papers to take over the Fens, the Back Bay and about half of downtown Boston.

Charles Steinberg, the team's executive vice president of public affairs indicated that this is needed to compete in today's baseball market to "enhance the fan experience" as well as generate non-baseball revenues.

"We could go after the city and state for the infrastructure", offered Steinberg, "where we may get what we want but wouldn't have ownership of those properties. By taking these areas near Fenway Park, we can build it out as we wish and have the investment for the club for the long term".

Boston Mayor Tom Menino was stunned by the plan, as well as the news that the Red Sox have applied for trademark ownership of the 'Rolling Rallies'. Upon receiving the trademark, only the Boston Red Sox would be able to conduct Rolling Rallies and, if the are successful with their push for Eminent Domain status, they would have the right to charge fees to any party that wishes to have a parade, or rally, in sections of the city that are Red Sox-owned.

Officials of the legendary Boston Marathon have been in talks with the Red Sox, for a waiver, as the final segment of the historic road race travels through the Back Bay and ends in downtown Boston.

The Red Sox are reportedly backed by Major League Baseball, who view this as a test case. If successful, MLB may attempt this strategy in other cities to better leverage their teams visiblity.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Spring Has Sprung

10. Martha Stewart changes the cover of her ankle monitor to bright pastels, with flowers

9. Your neighbor has been practicing his 'Yankee's Suck' chant

8. At least six Academy Award winners have already pawned their Oscars

7. You've already lost your tax refund on the office March Madness pool

6. Major League Baseball is up at Congress, testifying about steroids

5. You see your daughter on MTV, broadcasting live, a wet t-shirt contest from Spring Break in Florida

4. The Lobbyists in Washington put away their overcoats and now just carry the payoffs in their briefcases

3. Dick Cheney huddles with the Energy Commission to start planning the summer's electricity rolling blackouts

2. You need your tax refund to fill up your gas tank

1. President Bush goes into a funk; Came in 4th place in White House Lawn Easter Egg Hunt for sixth-year-in-a-row

Friday 25 March 2005

Bonds Now Denies He Ever Played Major League Baseball
Say Media Confusing Him With Another; Considers Lawsuit To Stop Harassment

San Francisco Giants star slugger Barry Bonds now claims that he has never played Major League Baseball and that the media's harassment is overlooking that they must be confusing him with another person.

This follows a testy interview on Monday, when Bonds, at first, hinted at retirement and then went into a tirade blaming the media for causing his injury and unfairly associating him with illegal steroid use. In a recent development, a former girlfriend of Bonds, Kimberly Bell of San Jose, Calif., has testified that Bonds told her, as early as 2000, that he was on steroids.

Bond is currently recoveing from a second knee operation, that will keep him for staring the season, and could, potentially, sideline him for the entire year. Bonds is chasing the homerun record of Hank Aaron and would likely, early in the campaign, surpass Babe Ruth to stand in second place.

As media approached Bonds yesterday, Bonds waived his hands, to stay away. But with cameras rolling and microphones turned on, Bonds shoke his head and started talking, to no one in particular.

"Man, you guys got the wrong person … I don't know what you're talking about - playing baseball? … I've never played baseball in my life …You got the wrong guy and, if you keep talking about me this way, I'll have to call my lawyer … Baseball, give me a break … You guy's got the wrong guy … It's not me, whoever you are talking about … Better go back and check your sources …"

Team and league officials denied comment on the reports. A lawyer from Major League Baseball's office in New York was dispatched to Scottsdale, Ariz., the site of the Giants training camp, to meet with team officials and Bonds.

An unconfirmed report indicates that after the press conference, Bonds even denied his name was Barry Bonds.


Avaya Faces Class Action Suit
Parties Charge Can't Fit Office In Autos

Misleading and deceptive advertising charges have lead to a class-action lawsuit being filed against the Avaya, Inc. The plantiffs seek for an end to the practice and unspecified damages.

Avaya Inc. designs, builds and manages communications networks for more than one million businesses worldwide, including over 90 percent of the Fortune 500, and is a world leader in secure and reliable Internet Protocol telephony systems and communications software applications and services

The case began after Joel Harrington, of Skokie, Ill. viewed the Avaya television commercial depicting a man working in his office, with a full staff, in his automobile, even warning the co-wokers of a bump in the road coming ahead.

Harrington was impressed with what he saw and immediately thought about applying the same to his small business.

After purchasing over $200,000 of Avaya products and services, Mr. Harrington soon found that he could not fit the equipment, or his staff of six in his 1998 Ford Tarus.

"We tried a number of different configurations", a beleagured Harrington stated at a news conference announcing the suit. "Just the equipment alone took up a great deal of space. Doug, our Purchasing manager was complete cramped and couldn't perform his duties".

Harrington was additionally stressed as the changes also meant the end of the carpool he and his co-workers shared. A number of the other auto's in the carpool were too small to accommodate any of the equipment and there was also the amount of time it took to transfer the equipment between the different automobiles and reset the office.

For a period of time, all of Harrington's employess used their own automobiles, and with distributing the necessary equipnment - and even purchasing additional items - they were able to conduct their business but, as Harrington stated in his suit, "it defeated the desired result, as depicted by Avaya, of a functioning, thriving business working in unison".

Harrington, through websites and chatrooms, soon discovered he was not alone. Thousands of others, who purchasd Avaya products, have had similar expereriences.

One party in San Diego, hitched a trailer to his auto to accommodate his office by was cited as being a commerical vehicle and fined. Another, a manufacturer in Richmond, VA had the additional expense of having his automobile fitted with costly filters so as to be in complaince with federal and EPA standards.

Avaya, based in Basking Ridge, NJ, offered no comment, indicating they have not seen the lawsuit. As of yesterday, their Legal Department was traveling on Route 75, somewhere near Kentucky.

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

10. Plush chairs, with cup holders and a 3D showing of 'The Ten Commandments'

9. Church organist will play a medley of 50-Cent's music

8. Special Rafle - Win a four-year scholarship to College of Cardinals

7. Batting cages in back of churches so you can work out and still get credit for attending services

6. Low Carb Communion Waffers

5. Matching services - Will pair you up with a fugitive and a copy of 'The Purpose-Driven Life'

4. Instead of a sip, will give you a glass of wine you can take back to your seat

3. One-day amnesity on purchasing 'The DiVinci Code'

2. Along with getting your feet washed, full pedicure services available at selected churches

1. Established 900 Number - Get a Wake Up! call from the Pope

Thursday 24 March 2005

Microsoft Signs Pope For Marketing Deal

Steve Ballmer announced today the Microsoft has signed an exclusive marketing deal with Pope John Paul II to endorse Windows 2005. The promotions will be across television, print and internet

This is an unprecedented coup, for both Microsoft and The Vatican.

"We noticed", offered Ballmer, "that since he was released from the hospital, the Pope's appearances have been, almost exclusively, seen from a window … We happen to have a product called Windows, so we reached out. Bill and I took a trip to the Vatican to talk directly with the Pope, and his staff".

What those talks yielded was an undisclosed fee, rumored to be in the millions, for the Pope to endorse Windows 2005. Packaging will include a photo of the Pope, in a Microsoft window, and print ads are being developed using his image, with the tag line "Powered by The Pope".

A special edition of Windows 2005 will be marketed, with special religious bookmarks prepackaged into the browser and an autographed copy by the Pope will be put to auction on eBay, with Microsoft and the Vatican splitting the proceeds.

Ballmer dismissed that the move was related to appeasing the European Union, who recently ruled against Microsoft in their anti-trust suit. Ballmer also stated that the rights to using the Pope are Microsoft's only, and not extended to any of their partners or OEM's.

This was bad news for Intel Corporation, who, upon hearing of the deal, rushed a new campaign out of 'Intel - And The Pope - Inside'.

McGwire Shifts, Softens Stand; Will Speak

Following his embarrassing appearance before the Congressional panel looking into the steroid scandal in Major League Baseball last week, Mark McGwire, who refused to answer questions, indicated he has changed his position and will offer some information.

As he repeated over-and-over during the hearings that "I will not speak about the past", McGwire indicated yesterday during a press conference, he's ready to talk about events that occurred on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays - whether in the past or present.

"I've come to realize that I was not as forthcoming as I could have been, and that, I, perhaps, misunderstood some of the instructions given to by my council".

When asked if his lawyers "over-coached" him, McGwire responded; "I will not speak about the past". Asked if that meant his lawyers coached him on days other than Tuesday, Wednesday or Saturday, McGwire repeated the phrase.

Another questioner asked McGwire what he would talk about, that did occur on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Saturday.

"Anything … What I had for breakfast … Whatever game we played those days … There's really nothing I won't talk about related to my activities on Tuesday's, Wednesday's or Saturday's"

"Did you take steroids"

"I will not talk about my past", again offered McGwire.

A spokesman for McGwire, who refused to identify himself, indicated that talks are on-going between McGwire and his lawyers to add Monday's as an area he will discuss.


Stadium Deal Falls; Jets New Home To Be In PA.

With democrats lining up against him over the West Side Stadium project, Mayor Michael Bloomberg intimated that the deal was broken and the New York Jets will go with an alternate plan, that will have build and play in Scranton, PA.

The West Side Stadium, a pet project of the Republican mayor, Michael R. Bloomberg, has come under constant criticism, for using city and state funds for private concerns. It was to be an ambitious project, that included spending on a vast amount of infrastructure and expanding the Javits Center.

The Mayor would only comment that he was "disappointed" and hopes that he can build back the momentum for the project.

"I'd like to be remembered for something more than just 'The Gates"

A Jet's team official indicated the team would have no comment at this time and offered that they would retain the name of the New York Jets while based in Scranton.

Top Ten Cloves: Other People Florida Gov. Jeb Bush Wants To Take Into Protective Custody

10. Robert Blake - No special reason other than the Governor really loves those old Our Gang pictures

9. Donny Duetsch - Somebody's got to get him off television

8. Tucker Carlson - He'll feel more comfortable in his bow ties with the state's older population

7. Lil' Kim - Will let her out of jail for Spring Break performances

6. Rep. Tom DeLay - Favor for his brother, just until the ethic charges thing dies down

5. Pope John Paul II - Pope can sit in a Florida window, which will help ailing state tourism

4. Martha Stewart - Won't make her wear the ankle monitor; Can get some of those great cranberry-orange muffins she makes

3. Dan Rather - Will house him at Cape Canaveral and have him explain the frequency to NASA scientists

2. Siegfried and Roy - They switch from tigers to alligators; Roy gets attacked by alligator, which will help ailing state tourism

1. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles - Already has special bill; No problem giving her title, Queen of Florida

Wednesday 23 March 2005

Castro Shocker
Offers Parties to Drop Case; He'll Take Schiavo and Send Elian Back

Cuban leader Fidel Castro injected himself into the Terri Schiavo case early this morning, offering, that if all parties dropped their law suits, he would send 12-year-old Elian Gonzalez back to Florida.

Shortly after the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, in a 2-1 vote, rejected the latest claim by the Schindler's, Terri's parents, to resume the feeding of their brain-damaged daughter, Castro called Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice with his offer.

A young, five-year-old Elian was the focus of a bitter court battle soon after he rescued by American fisherman after he was found floating on an inner tube on Thanksgiving moring in 1999. Backed by anti-Castro Cuban-Americans, a fight was taken up to the Supreme Court, who refused the case, after a lower court ordered young Elian to be returned to his father in Cuba in the summer of 2000.

In a statement, speaking through an interpreter, Castro indicated he didn't "trust the American courts" and that he would "allow the woman to die with dignity"

Breaking into English, Castro continued.

"These courts, they are not for the people … They don't hold the people's interest in their hearts. Look at my little nino, Elian. If the situation was reversed, I would have ordered my courts to keep the boy in America. I would look at the better quality of life, food, the schools … Everything, except his baseball, would be better … They were loco to send him back …"

With the President, the Congress, the Justice Department involved in the Schiavo case, the State Deparment now reluctantly joins in. Officials scrambled this morning, in Washington and Florida, as news of the Castro offer leaked.

Thousands of anti-Castro Cuban Americans flocked to Atlanta, to the Appeals Court, already overcrowded with protesters, calling for the court to take up Castro's offer. Another throng of Cuban Americans streamed into Tampa, and to the hospice where Terri Schiavo is cared for, offering to assist in getting her to Cuba.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush called for his state legislature to review the Castro offer and is said to be in close contact with the State Department.

The State Department refused comment on Castro's statements and offer, with senior officials meeting with Congressional members and White House staff.

Senate Whip, Senator Bill Frist issued a statement, indicating that Congress could possibly issue a new bill, if it included broader elements that Cuba would take additional patients in vegatative states.



A New Twist; Queen Takes Out Living Will

Just as the news broke that, by law, Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become Queen, when her husband, Prince Charles, takes the throne as King, Queen Elizabeth announced that she has taken out a Living Will and directs that she be kept alive by any and all means.

The Department for Constitutional Affairs confirmed on Monday that legislation would be needed for Camilla not to become Queen automatically on Charles's succession. Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles have previously announced Camilla would be known as the Duchess of Cornwall after her marriage and intends to take the title Princess Consort when Charles becomes King.

Any attempts to change the rules would be extremely difficult. It would require not only a new law in Britain, but also legislative changes in 15 nations where the British monarch is head of state.

All that may be a moot point with the Queen's making a Living Will.

A palace spokesperson indicated that the Queen was "riveted" by the Terri Schiavo case in the United States, and, after conferrng with her staff, and with Prime Minister Tony Blair, the Queen decided it would be best for England that she have a Living Will, so Britons would not have to go through what was happening in the United States.

Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles had no comment on the news of the Living Will. Their wedding is scheduled to take place on April 8th.

Top Ten Cloves: If CEO's, World Leader's Could Wear Pajamas To Work

10. Bernie Ebbers: Black-and-White Stripes

9. Jeff Bezos: Hasn't reached the point yet where he can wear pajamas to work

8. Summer Redstone: One-piece, red flannel, with trap door

7. Donald Rumsfeld - Just skivee's, or the one's with tanks and helicopters on them

6. Larry Ellison: Long, flowing white robe, with staff

5. Kirstie Alley - All the left over fabric from The Gates

4. Dick Cheney - Something like the Electric Cowboy, that light up - courtesy of his buddies on the Energy Commission

3. Martha Stewart - Kind'a got used to the orange jumpsuit she wore in prison

2. Steve Jobs - Won't say until next MacWorld Keynote; Will sue if anyone reveals it before then

1. Tony Blair - Whichever one's President Bush lays out for him

Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop

Undergoes Induced Vegatative State, To Be Doctor Monitored, To Get To Heart of Schiavo Story

As the world awaits a Florida Judge's decision, following extraordinary Congressional intervention, Fox News announced yesterday that it's star reporter, Geraldo Rivera, will be medically induced into a vegatative state, for a series of special reports on the Terri Schiavo case.

"I will be completely safe", offered Rivera at a news conference. "We have a team of doctors, all very certified and qualified, that will put me under, monitor me and, if necessary, administer life-saving measures to me" … This is what journalism is all about".

Rivera, who joined FOX News in November 2001 as a war correspondent, has a long career history, as by his critics, of over-the-top antics in his reporting, said he just wants to get to the heart of the matter for the benefit of his viewers.

"This is a very emotional case, no matter what side of the issue you are on", said Rivera. "We had unprecidented action by our Congress …It's brother verus brother, versus mother, versus father … It's ripping the country apart".

"By allowing me to feel what Terri must be feeling. I can, perhaps, help put it all into perspective … Will I know I am helpless? Will I have a will to survive? Will I be crying out, through my blank stare? … My involuntary, reflex movements? … How can I tell them I want to live? Who will hear my cries?"

The project, supported by both Ruppert Murdoch and Peter Chernin, president and COO of News Corp, will be a special, aired on Fox, in May, over the course of three nights. Every element of the procedures to induce Rivera into a vegatative state, the time he spends essentially comatose, the tests that will be conducted on him, will all be filmed.

A team of doctors, who were not identified, will oversee all medical procedures and testing. Fox plans on making the data gathered in the project available to reseachers.

Chernin indicated that this is a go project, regardless how the Florida Judge rules, or any additional Congressional or legal action that takes place.

The surprise announcement caught many of the other networks off-guard. NBC rushed a statement out saying they plan on having anchor Brian Williams begin doing stand-up's from actual hospital rooms in America. Peter Jennings will have a film crew with him for a routine check-up, which Jennings will sit down with his doctor to discuss a living will. ABC News will carry this a titled segment series for one week, probably in late April.

CBS and CNN indicated that plans were being made and they would have statements at a later date.

Rivera also received some extra reassurance.

Majority Leader, Rep. Tom DeLay indicated that if anything goes wrong, "we'll have another all-night session and bang out the Gerry Rivera Bill",


Rumsfeld Waivers On Japanese Sub Found

Intimates Country Invaded by North Korea

The wreckage of a large Japanese submarine found last week by researchers in waters off Hawaii is said to be of World War II vintage, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wasn't convinced and has launched an investigation.

In an extended press conference yesterday, Rumsfeld offered that there has been "chatter" recently from Pyongyang and that he "wouldn't put anything past the North Koreans".

"We know they were here for September-eleventh and there's been a steady rise in intelligence and chatter coming from
Pyongyang … Pak-man (North Korean Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju) doesn't like us - we know-he knows-we-know-it and this just has his fingerprints all over it"

A research team from the University of Hawaii discovered the huge submarine, said to be of the 400 Sensuikan Toku class of subs.
At a height of 40-feet tall, and capable of carrying a 150-man crew, it was the largest class of subs built before the nuclear class came in the 1960's.

"Think about it", offered Rumsfeld, "They have Al-Qaeda cells embedded all over their country, they're walking away from the nuclear talks and they know we have a whole bunch of new people here … Condi, John, the whole bunch … March Madness is going on here …All that coma girl controversy … What better time to try a strike against us? … If I were a tyrannical dictator … if had a deep, deep hatred of the United States … if I was in bed with some of the nastiest terrorist on this planet, I might think about it (invading the U.S.) …"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated only that President Bush was reviewing all the information and would have no comment until that process was completed.

A spokesperson for the University of Hawaii released a brief statement that read, in part, "the director of the research team, as well as all team members, believe they found a World War II Japanese submarine".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Chief Justice William Rehnquist Will Be Welcomed Back To Supreme Court

10. Two words: Bar Crawl

9. Do alittle off-the-books adjustings of some laws so he can get his drugs from Canada

8. His biggest wish; Let him hold secret 'People's Court' sessions during off-hours and weekends

7. For nostalgia, rest of Justices will let him strike down the Martin Luther King holiday ruling in Arizona

6. Make sure he has a Living Will; None of them want to be sticking a tube in him

5. Justice Sandra Day O'Conner will give him a lap dance

4. To really cheer him up, they'll overturn Roe v. Wade

3. Give him the okay to wear Hawaiian shirts in-session

2. His favorite; When courts' out-of-session, blindfold him, spin him in chair and let him walk around dizzy until he falls down

1. Give him the good news - They got a bite on his Reality TV script - Fat Supreme Court Justice - from Fox

Lucas To Increase Production of Stars Wars; Liz Taylor Snubbed; No More Future For DeLorean

3D Remakes Tip of Iceburg; New Galaxies, Wars Offer Endless Plots

Just as George Lucas prepares to release, Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith, on May 19th, the final film of his multi-billion-dollar franchise, and re-release all Star Wars films in 3D, a report has surfaced that there are no plans to slow down.

Lucas will actually increase production of his Star Wars films, carrying story lines into new, parallel universes that offer endless plots and a perpetual river of movies, product spin-offs and a bevy of new ancillary items.

Since 1977 and the first Star Wars release, Lucas has sold over $3-billion worth of tickets at box offices around the world.

The report, confidentially obtained by The Garlic, show that a trilogy-per-year will begin in 2006, with a 3D-re-release targeted for three-years later. There will be no overlap on releases, as each trilogy will be a separate story line, with different chararters in different locations.

Plots will be centered around the full family lineage of main characters, such as Luke Skywalker, Darth Vadar, Obi-Wan Kenobi and others. Natalie Portman, who portrays Senator Amidala, is said to have signed a lifetime contract, so that she can age naturally on-screen.

Completely new galaxies will be created, with their stories unfolding, in paralell time to the main Star Wars story line. In some cases, descendants of the main characters will be key to these new galaxies, told in two trilogies on the 'Exploration' period, when early members of The Force fanned out in search of new worlds.

The report projects an endless stream of Star Wars movies and products, that will carry on well after Mr. Lucas's passing, perhaps extending as far as great-great-great-grandchildren.


Liz Taylor Miffed At Snub for Fat Actress Role

Movie legend Liz Taylor is said to be furious that she was not offered the starring role of 'Fat Actress', according to Hollywood insiders.

"I wrote the book on being a fat actress" Taylor barked at a recent news confernces. "How dare they cast that nobody … She should stick to doing bad television commercials …"

Taylor, known for such classics as National Velvet, Cleopatra, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, A Place In The Sun and Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf, has worked with such stars as her former husband Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Montgomery Clift, Laurence Harvey, Spencer Tracy, Marlon Brando and countless others.

Taylor indicated, angrily, that when she first heard about the show, she immediately started putting on more weight, confident that she would get the first call for the role.

"I mean … The Kristie person - who is she? What has she done? Television? … God, she wouldn't have been an extra in any one of my hit films … She doesn't hold a stick next to me … I have bracelets that weigh more then her …"

Obituary: DeLorean Founder Dies at 80

John Z. DeLorean, founder of the DeLorean Motor Company, died Saturday after complications due to a stroke. He was 80-years-old.

DeLorean, dissatisfied with how Detroit was making automobilies, left General Motors in 1973 to achieve his dream of building his own car company. In the early 1980's, his DMC-12 model, the only one produced, captured the imagination of futuristic design with it's stainless steel body and it's door that opened up, as opposed to the traditional side-to-side.

Roughly 9,000+ were produced before the company went bankrupt. Soon after the bankruptcy of DeLorean Motor's, DeLorean was targeted by the U.S. Government for drug trafficing but was acquitted in 1984, after a highly publicized trial.

At the high point, it was a must-have item for the rich and famous. The lasting lore was cemented by the 'Back-To-The-Future' movies, starring Michael Fox and Christopher Lloyd, which featured the DMC-12.

According to his wishes, Mr. DeLorean will be buried, with a small mirror, a tightly rolled $100-bill and his stainless steel casket will have a gull-wing door.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Boss Is Incompetent

10. Always putting ball-point pens in the pencil sharpner

9. You ask about the RFP; Boss goes into how much they loved Mayberry RFD

8. Refuses to use Spell Check; Says doesn't believe in voodoo

7. Thinks they are hip; Has sign on their desk - Buck Doesn't Stop Here - All You Get Is Small Change

6. You ask to be blind-copied on email; Boss chides you for making fun of the handicapped

5. You advise there's a problem with your Direct Deposit; Boss empathizes with you and confides also used fertility clinic

4. Every few months, has cast on hand from punching the timeclock

3. Holds and speaks into the receiver whenever they use the Speakerphone

2. Breaks the office scanner trying to get prank photo of their ass

1. Keeps asking you where to stick the Post-It Notes

Friday 18 March 2005

HP To Auction CEO-For-The-Day On eBay

Facing increasing pressure from the board of directors, non-executive chairman Patricia Dunn stunned the attendee's of Hewlett Packard's annual meeting Wednesday, when she announced that HP will auction CEO-For-The-Day on eBay, beginning immediately.

Dunn said they expect bids to reach "high six, maybe even, seven-figures".

Sources to The Garlic indicate that, over the weekend, Dunn, and interim CEO Bob Wayman met with eBay CEO, Meg Whitman, to gage her interest in running HP. Whitman recently was a candidate for the top post at the Walt Disney Company and rumors are circulating she's on the runway to leave eBay.

Whitman turned down the offer and suggested the auction. After some number-crunching, Dunn and Wayman signed on with the eBay auction to fill their vacant CEO chair.

"It's really a good deal for us", offered Dunn in a conference call with reporters. "Bob and I will keep our titles and we'll deal with the auction winners. Who knows, we might find someone".

Dunn stated there will be safeguards in place, so that the auction winner will be unable to do anything "crazy". Also, there will be language in the contract of the auction that specifically stipulates that the CEO-For-The-Day can not initiate any mergers whatsoever. Dunn offered the board insisted on such a clause.

The CEO-For-The-Day package is shaping up, with the winner chairing an executive staff meeting, attending and participating in marketing and R&D meetings and, at the end of the day, receives a gift basket of HP products, including the new HP iPod.

Wyman offered the HP expects to raise enough revenue for the CEO-For-The-Day auction to pay off former CEO Carli Fiorina's $21-million serverance package and actually turn a profit.

"If we spin out the printing division", offered Dunn, "we might be able to spin off the CEO office as a profit center as well".

In the first few hours after the announcement, HP has already heard from Michael Eisner, outgoing chief of Disney, Ken Lay, former Enron CEO, Martha Stewart, basketball player Reggie Miller (who is retiring from the Indiana Pacers at the end of the current season), Ted Turner and recently retired anchorman, Dan Rather. All have either inquired if they could bid, or had offers ready to place.

Dunn would not confirm or deny that HP is in talks with HBO, who is interested in launching a new series - Fat CEO - as a counterpunch to rival Showtime's Fat Actress.

NBC and Donald Trump's program, 'The Apprentice' has also contacted HP. Rumors have surfaced that HP would allow Trump to film an episode at HP, with the teams competing for the CEO post.



Scandal Hits OPEC; Pricing Tied To Racing Wagers
Para-Mutual Betting Leads to Record Barrel Prices That Continue to Rise

As consumers line up at the pump, around the country, and in many nations around the globe, paying record highs for gasoline, the recent rise in OPEC pricing is shown to be related to para-mutual betting scheme in Saudi Arabia.

Government officials and marketing experts have been exasperated in understanding the continually rising price of crude, speculated to reach $57.50 today. OPEC indicated they may raise their production ceiling by 2 per cent, an additional 500,000 barrels per day in an effort to stablize and lower prices.

Reports are coming out of Riyadh that para-mutual betting on camel races is how OPEC has been setting the daily barrel prices. The scheme involves taking the last digit of the winning bet in the first four races. OPEC has been using that as a means of establishing it's base price for its' crude barrel.

UPI, Reuters and the English Aljazeera all report sources that place OPEC delegates, Chakib Khalil of Algeria and Libya's OPEC representative and Energy Minister Fati Hamid bin Shatwan as the originators of the pricing plan.

While some have charged the races have been fixed, recently, there's been a rash of longshots crossing the finish first, and offering substantially large pay-offs.

OPEC President, Sheikh Ahmad al-Sabah has firmly denied the reports, indicating the the cartel is exploring pumping some 30 million barrels per day by the fourth quarter to help ease the crisis.

Department of Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman, who was cautious in his remarks, waiting for a more detailed report, suggested that "maybe we should base our GNP ratio on who wins the fourth race at Belmont".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Mark McGwire Won't Talk About

10. How, early in his career, did sleepovers at Neverland (but Michael never touched me!)

9. Can never get all the words in the Daily Jumble

8. The Lindburgh Baby Kidnapping/Murder

7. When he didn't ask for directions - like his wife suggested - and got lost in Marin County

6. The three-month fling he had with the cute girl from the steroid store

5. That he kind'a liked it when Jose Canseco pulled down his pants

4. First time he tried making lasagna by himself

3. How he still gets excited about going out in costume on Halloween

2. Age 7 - Mr. Puddles (nuf said!)

1. The Future - Hey, the steroids didn't make me a physic!

Thursday 17 March 2005

Top Biz Schools Extend Hacking Penalty
Even Thinking About Doing It Earns Rejection

After rejecting 119 applicants who alledgedly peeked at their files on-line, the Harvard Business School announced they are extending the penalty to those who even 'thought about hacking'. No information was provided on how many additional applicants this would effect.

Sources indicate that the other schools affected by the hacking - Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Duke, Carnegie Mellon and Dartmouth - are expected to follow suit.

Only Stanford has taken no action against the alledgedly hackers.

Earlier this month, an unidentified hacker tapped into a forum, online, on Business Week's website and posted instruction on how applicants could log onto the schools' Web sites to check their admission status. More than 100 applicants to Harvard alone tried to access their admission records. Some saw nothing, while a few found rejection letters in their files.

All of the schools use an online application and notification program - ApplyYourself - made by a Fairfax, Va., company.

Steve Nelson, executive director of the MBA program at Harvard Business School, defended extending the penalties.

"Even thinking about taking this illegal action shows signs of corruption, a lack of morals and suspectability to giving into unethical temptations. At Harvard, we only want those that can rise above the fray and walk the straight-and-narrow".

A growing buzz of criticism has been aimed at Harvard, and the other schools, that the penalty of rejection is disproporationate to offense, including citing the schools for lacking better security of their records. Some have suggested that this incident offers the business schools a dynamic oppportunity, a 'teachable moment'.

Nelson dismissed the criticism.

"We have to draw a line in the sand - do we, as a university, want to put out into the community strong, ethical leaders, or criminals, who will use illegal tactics to gain their lot?

Rumors circulated that the applicants, from all the schools, were wisked away on a private jet to an undisclosed university that is known for having loose, or no guidelines at all, in their interview program, for interrogation.

All the business schools declined comment, citing their application process is private.


Iraq Parliament Holds First Session Amid Chaos

Hey, somebody wake up the janitor.

The Iraqi transitional national assembly, the first freely elected parliament in a half-century, held their first session yesterday, after a nearly 3-hour delay. The 275 members had to wait for over one-hour for someone to locate the custodian, to open the convention center.

Once in inside the heavily guarded building, additional delays followed as the assembly had to wait for the room to be set with chairs and desks. Members made impromtu and impassioned speeches while waiting and numerous scuffles broke out between Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis, mostly over petty loyalities and neighborhood differences.

At least 45 members were accompanied by goats and livestock, indicating they feared theft of their property while in session. This earned the vocal displeasure of a small group of other members.

Still another delay surfaced when members of the U.S. Coaltion insisted on hanging the Ten Commandments on the wall behind the dias. Heated words were heard and a comprise followed with the Koran being hung alongside the Commandments.

Nonetheless, President Bush, in a statement, cited the day as 'historic' and 'a bright moment'.

The only motion submitted and approved by unamious vote? Authorizing supplying the custodian with a cellphone

Top Ten Cloves: How President Bush Will Celebrate St. Patrick's Day

10. Cons Dick Cheney that it's a Vice Presidential tradition to go around all day in green face paint

9. Will have the U.S. Troops dye the Tigris River Lime Green

8. Forces the Secret Service tell him where the little nips of Jameson are hidden

7. What the hell … Fly the White House gang in Air Force One to Dublin for some real corned beef and cabbage

6. Make prank calls to Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams about not being invited to White House

5. Gets Donald Rumsfeld to do his Leprechaun-on-a-flagpole routine

4. Fills the Tidal Basin with Guinness Beer

3. Make prank calls to Tony Blair, disguising his voice to sound like Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams being pissed off about not being invited to White House

2. Scare the hell out of Ted Kennedy; Tells him, by Presidental Order, he's shutting down all the bars in D.C.

1. Stalks Condeleeza Rice all day with 'Kiss Me, I'm Irish'

Wednesday 16 March 2005

Summer's Takes Vote In-Stride; Won't Resign
Cites Questions of Fraud and Asks for Recount from full Faculity

Embattled Harvard University President Lawrence H. Summers said yesterday's harsh 'No Confidence' vote from the Faculty of Arts and Sciences was not a problem, that he has no intentions of resigning and called for a recount, citing possible irrregularities with the voting.

Summers touched off a firestorm of controversy in January when he suggested in a speech, that women might not have the same ''intrinsic aptitude" in science as men.

In a statement to reporters, Summers dug in, offering he "absolutely is giving no thought to resigning" and basically took the 'No Confidence' vote in-stride, as "just another day at the office".

Summers intimated that he may seek a recount, hinting at possible irregularties in the voting. Only about a quarter of the eligible faculty took part in the voting. It was reported that Summers stated he'd "… like to see more of the male faculity take part in the voting process".

When asked if he would work with the faculty, and their recommendations, Summer's offered, offhandedly;

"Yeah … Sure ...I'll work with them … Whatever … "


Martha Slouching It Through House Arrest

Executives at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia are getting worried as it appears their icon is not quite ready to return to work.

Inside sources reveal that Martha Stewart has been sleeping until 11AM, spending the day on the sofa, in her bathrobe, snacking and watching soap opera's.

"The sink is filled with dirty dishes … She's up until 3AM or later and spending money like crazy, with all those home-shopping shows … She's taken up smoking again and she's putting on weight …"

Stewart is serving five-months of house arrests, to complete the sentence on her conviction of lying to federal prosecutors on her inside trading case with iClone stock. As a condition, Stewart must wear and ankle monitor and is allowed only 47-hours per-week outside of her home, submitting her schedule of activities in advance, to her probation officer.

It's said that work assignments are being missed, or are submitted, well-below the standard of excellance that Ms. Stewart is known for.

"It would appear the only thing Martha cooks with now is a microwave oven … We needed some recipes for the magazine … She sent in clippings, things she cut out of the newspaper … No information if she tested it or how to accent it … The oatmeal cookies? … It was clearly taken off the container …"


Youths Said To Be Emulating Govt Rendition Program

As reported by The Garlic (14 March, Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit), authorities have yielded some clues into two Stockton California youths' bloody rampage on corporate icons that has left the MSN Butterfly and Geico's Gecko in serious and guard conditions.

Sources close to the investigation have indicated that in early interrogations, the two teens were have to stated they were emulating the Bush Administration's Extraordinary Rendition program.

Neighbors and school mates were shocked by the arrest, and the brutality of the crimes. The two youths, ages 15 and 16, are from middle-class, Republican families and above-average students. Both are said to be involved in numerous schools activities and with a large circle of friends.

"Their computers and emails offered a lot of information", said one investigator. "There was a lot on the government's extraordinary rendition program … Websites that were bookmarked … News articles … And it appears they were emailing former Attorney General Ashcroft's office with suggestions and offers to volunteer …"

The Justice Department offered no comment as to any communications with the youths and are not part of the investigation, which is being directed by the Stockton Police and the FBI.

The quick action by authorities in apprehending the two suspects was timely, as found in one of the youth's computer's was a 'Hit List' of other corporate icons they had targeted. The list was not released to news outlets, but a police spokesperson did stated that those on the list were notified of the investigation, and, is a few cases, security protection was extended to them.

Investigators would neither confirms or deny if the Taco Bell puppy was a target. Reports circulated yesterday, that in public appearances, the Taco Bell puppy had three extra handlers and two pit bulldogs as part of his entourage.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Massive Fraud Court Case Isn't Going Your Way

10. Martha Stewart in making jokes about you

9. The court stenographer is knitting

8. The judge keeps mispronouncing your name

7. Defense Exhibit A happens to be the same item as the Prosecution's Exhibit A

6. Only cameras in the room are the court's security system

5. During a sidebar, you hear the judge, the DA and your lawyer discuss the episode of Fat Actress that was on the night before

4. Your own lawyer keeps mispronouncing your name

3. Jury is watching Michael Jackson case on their cellphones

2. Bailiffs want to beat the traffic and ask if they can handcuff you right after lunch

1. Your name happens to be Bernie Ebbers

Tuesday 15 March 2005

First Lady Heads Jingoism Festival
Jeep Owners Mandated To Learn Song

Believing that most Americans do not know the words to 'The Star-Spangled Banner', our national anthem, First Lady Laura Bush is out to teach them.

Mrs. Laura Bush is the Honorary Chairperson of the "National Anthem Project: Restoring America's Voice", an intiative of the MENC: National Association for Music Education and is being sponsored by Jeep.

The project kicked off last week (March 10th) and included performances from school age children and adults, as well as the Oak Ridge Boys and the 'President's Own' U.S. Marine Band. A larger concert is planned, with some six-million children, teachers and music supporters participating, performing American patriotic and popular songs and will be broadcast around the country on PBS, and the Armed Forces Network.

As to the national sponsorship by Jeep, Dieter Zetsche, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Chrysler Group offered;

"Few brands symbolize freedom and patriotism like the Jeep brand …"

The First Lady stated owning a Jeep " … was a fabulous way to see our great country …" and that all Jeep owners will be mandated to learn the song. She hopes her husband, President Bush, will write legislation that will extend this to all automobile owners.

As an element of their sponsorship, Jeep insisted on language in the contract that bars Rosanne Barr from singing the National Anthem at any Jeep-sponsored event.


Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal
of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids
Drops Bombshell In Break From Tradition Established in 1934

General Mills anounced that they have come to terms with Major League Baseball to have their Wheaties, The Breakfast of Champions, become the 'Official Breakfast Cereal" of the league.

And, in a bombshell, an unprecidented break from tradition, for the first time since 1934, when Lou Gerhig appeared on the cereal box, Wheaties will feature a steroid pill and needle. It's unclear if the featured items are from Balco, or a generic brand of steroids.

Numerous baseball stars have endorsed the cereal, including Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Lefty Grove, Mel Ott, Bob Feller, Ted Williams, Hank Greenberg, Stan Musial, Jackie Robinson, Roy Campanella, Pee Wee Reese, Warren Spahn, Yogi Berra, Mickey Mantle, Johnny Bench, Hank Aaron, Cal Ripken, Jr. and Joe Torre.

Additionally, of the 51 players selected for the 1939 Major League Baseball All-Star Game, 46 endorsed Wheaties. Wheaties also sponsored the first televised commercial sports broadcast on August 29, 1939, when NBC presented a Cincinnati Reds vs. Brooklyn Dodgers broadcast for some 500 television owners in New York City.

"We’re excited about the winning moments that our Wheaties - MLB partnership will bring" said Eric Lucas, Vice President of Marketing for General Mills’ Big G Cereals. "We've always featured the dominant star and this year, it is undoubtedly, steroids".

Lucas, as well as Tim Brosnan, Executive Vice President, Business, Major League Baseball, offered no comment on the impact of the upcoming Congressional hearings on steroids use in baseball and left the door open that a future Wheaties box could have a Congressman on it


Bush Appointment Has Mid-East Fearful With New Hughes Role

The Arab League stated a muted, and very cautious tone in reacting to the announcement of former Bush Aide Karen Hughes' new position of Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy. Hughes will be responsible for crafting Mid-East policies and changing the area's perceptions about the United States. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made the announcement yesterday.

Hughes, a former counselor to President Bush from 2000-2002, also had a major role in shaping Bush's domestic agenda, as well as having her imprint on a number of foreign policy initiatives. Hughes left the administration to move back to Texas.

Some Arab League members are skeptical about the appointment, speculating that there'll be a continuation of false or doctored intelligence and a new call of Weapons of Mass Destruction in the next country the Bush Administration chooses to invade.

There's even confusion if the appointment is true, or if it's an endeavor of the disinformation program started by Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld two-years ago.

'When America starts talking about planting the seeds of democracy", offered one Arab League official, "that's usually our sign to start building our bomb shelters".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell It's March Madness

10. You tell your wife you have a headache

9. Make rare visits to your clients, but only so you can join their office pools

8. It's the only time of year you can tolerate Dick Vitale

7. Same old tradition - Ball State loses in 1st Round and breaks your heart

6. You admit you have a crush on Greg Gumble

5. Proudly recall your days as a male cheerleader

4. You've watched so many games, the CBS logo is burned onto your cornea

3. Desperately searching iTunes for college fight songs

2. Final Four means three-days of brewski's!

1. Not only can you pronounce Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski's name, you can spell it!

Monday 14 March 2005

Disney Picks Iger but Eisner Says He Won't Go; Digging In For Fight

The Walt Disney Co. announced yesterday that President Robet Iger will succeed Micheal Eisner as its' Chief Executive, but, in a separate release, Eisner declared that he's not leaving.

A combative Eisner indicated "…they can't push me out…" and is taking steps to cement his post.

For month's, Eisner has been solidifying his Disney stock holdings and Eisner called for an emergency meeting of the Disney board to vote immediately on changing the name of the company to The Michael Eisner Co.

"I built Disney to what it is today", offered Eisner. "If it wasn't for me, that little (#X&&!) mouse would be chasing his tail - in black-and-white".

The appoinment of Iger, who's served as President for the past five-years, ends Eisner's stormy and tumultuous two-decade reign. It was scheduled for Eisner to depart next year and insiders are speculating that moving Iger in early is an attempt to block Eisner from seizing the company.

Under Eisner, Disney has grown to over 100,000 employees, has a global network of theme parks, the vaunted Disney film library and expanded into televison, gobbling up ESPN and the ABC Network.

There's also been its' share of chaos as the doings and bombast of Eisner have become Hollywood legend, including the very public spat with Roy Disney, brother of founder Walt, and with the particularly revealing and embarassing lawsuit over the hiring and firing of former Disney President, Michael Ovitz.

Unconfirmed reports have Eisner rushing into production, remakes of the Disney classics, 'Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs' and 'Sleeping Beauty', with the dwarves and the Prince being drawn in Eisner's likeness.

Additionally, ABC will launch a news and entertainment magzine show, devoted soley to Eisner's work and career. Reportedly, ABC executives are deriding the project as 'Must Like Mike TV'.

"This (#X&&!) kid is staying in the (#X&&!) picture", boasted Eisner.

Rose Cashes In On Steroid Scandel

ESPN is reporting that former Cincinnati Red's great Pete Rose, baseball's exiled hero, is said to have cashed in for millions, on a bet that the steroid scandal would surface before the 2005 season and players and management would be called before Congress to testify.

Rose, banned from baseball for betting on games, including his own team when he managed the Reds, placed the bet four years ago at an undisclosed Las Vegas casino. Odds were given on when the steroid scandal would break and Rose took the extra step of adding on the rider, at 5-1 odds, as to the call before Congress.

One source with knowledge of the bet indicated that Rose "laid down a lot of green".

Rose, and Major League Baseball officials could not be reached for comment.


Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit
MSN Butterfly, Geiko Tortured; Had Long List of Targets

Local and federal authorities have taken into custody two Stockton, California teenagers, after what reports indicate, a murdureous rampage against corporate icons.

Microsoft's MSN Butterfly, and Geico's Geiko were brutally attacked and tortured, according to police. And, found on one of the juvenilles' computer was a long list of other targets the youths were alledgedly going after. The names of the youths, or their alledged targets were not released, as the FBI indicated it is still an active crime scene and investigation.

Microsoft released a statement, indicating only that the MSN Butterfly was in "serious and guarded condition". Geico refused comment and unconfirmed reports have that the geiko died after furious life-saving measures were taken. Once source indicated that it appeared the geiko's natural camouflage abilities failed him during the attack.

Little is known about the two teens, or why they launched what authorities describe as 'brutal and heinous acts' against innocent icons.

A local Stockton newspaper is reporting on their website that as one of the youths was being taken into police headquarters for questioning, he shouted to the throng of media;

"They kept asking us where we wanted to go today … So, we showed'em …"

Top Ten Cloves: Excuses Baseball Will Use To Avoid Testifying To Congress

10. Have a note from Abner Doubleday saying they don't have to answer to anyone

9. Demanding waiver to play Fungo in Capital Rotunda

8. Need more time to see how they can spin this into something the fans will pay money for

7. Waiting to hear back from Congress if Curt Schilling can wear his bloody sock at hearings

6. Threaten to counter and call their own hearings on Ted Kennedy's drinking

5. Negotiating that, in middle of hearings, panel will get up and do The Wave

4. Trying to line-up Alex Rodriguez to run through Congress and knock papers out of Chairman's hands

3. Hey, did you know that congressman can get into any Major League Baseball game for free?

2. Lobbying President Bush to add to bill Private Steroid Accounts

1. Players can't sit for long periods; Asses hurt from getting steroid shots

Friday 11 March 2005

Groundhog Lied; Investigation Launched

With more snow and unseasonable cold forcast for much of the North and Northeast through the weekend, officials in Punxsutawney, PA are launchiing an investigation and, embarassingly, may have to announce a longer winter.

Charges have been made that Punxsutawney Phil, the infamous prognosticating marmot, didn't see his shadow, but the shadow of one of his handlers, or other revelers this past February 1st, otherwise known as Groundhog Day.

So says Elmer Johnson, 59, a long-time critic of the 119-year-old festival that has a groundhog, fondly known as Punxsutawney Phil, being pulled out of a hutch and declaring the length of winter left based on whether he sees his shadow. Thousands flock to this small Pennsylvania burg in what has become a major media event, including a popular 1993 movie starring Bill Murray.

"No way that rodent saw his own shadow" declared Johnson, an unempolyed electrician. "His eyes were closed … Maybe he peeked but with so many people around, there's no way you could tell who's shadow it was".

Johnson claims to have evidence, saying he taped the entire program, both at his home on a VCR and, as part of the throng with his cellphone camera.

Town officials were stunned by the allegations and in a terse statement, indicated they will investigate Johnson's charges.

"Besides", Johnson stated, "it's a rodent ... I mean, all you have to do is look at a calendar to figure out how much winter is left … What's next - we going to have a dog determine how hot a summer we're going to have?



Jackson Family In Deal To Launch New Wine

Regardless of their son's trial outcome, and, in part, to help pay his skyrocketing legal fees, the family of Michael Jackson has signed a deal with an undisclosed vineyard to launch Jesus Juice.

A family spokesperson indicated Jesus Juice, a Merlot and a Chardonney, will be hitting the shelves by summer, and will be available in both corked bottes and pop-open cans. There are no plans at this time to use Michael Jackson, or his image in the marketing campaign and no decision has been reached yet if Michael's sister, Janet Jackson, will be involved.

According to the spokesperson, Jesus Juice, has done remarkably well in focus groups and random, blind taste tests. Even the concept of offering Jesus Juice in a can has won praise. Scores in the tests noted that people responded it would be easier to pack in coolers, or carry in a handbag or pocket.

When asked about having this product associate with the sorrid allegations brought out in the trial, the spokesperson offered;

'C'mon man, it's Jesus Juice …"

Top Ten Cloves: Why You Don't Want To Become A Fat Actress

10. Your tatoos will look like billboards

9. Congress might subpeona you about steroid use

8. You'll get stuck doing Pier One and Christmas Tree Shop commercials

7. Governor Schwarzenegger will ridicule you, using you as a example in his Junk Food campaign

6. Producers of Fat Albert will hound you to do the sequel

5. Actor pals will snicker behind your back - Million-Pound Baby

4. Because of your size, people will think you won the Los Angeles Mayor race

3. President Bush will make you start two Private Retirement Accounts

2. Two words of caution - Freeway and Weigh-Stations

1. Blame weight gain on nerves; You, along with Russell Crowe, were a terrorist target

Thursday 10 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Team Prepares Call For New Axis of Evil Member

The Garlic has learned that the Bush Administration is putting together a Request For Proposal (RFP) to sollict a new country to join the Axis of Evil. The proposal is said to be in the final stages and may be released as early as next week.

With the seemingly successful transition to freedom and democracy, Iraq will soon be de-listed from the Axis of Evil, leaving the vacany that the administration would like to see filled at the earliest. With new budgets to be drawn, and alarming, fear-inducing rhetoric to be written, the administration is uncomfortable leaving a hole of this size open for too long.

Along with Iraq, North Korea and Iran are the other two members.

One source close to talks speculated on who may join the Axis of Evil.

"There's not a lot of good candidates out there … One's that would qualify … We can rule out the Sudan, they're too busy … Russia is signaling that they may like to bring back the Cold War … Syria is making some noise but a number of committee member feel they're dragging their feet on the pullout as a way to neogiate some better terms …"

The source indicated that newly appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte has been dispatched to Central and South America, to meet with old contacts and gage interest on having a Latin country join the Axis.

'The administration would love to have a Spanish-speaking country in the Axis. That would open the door to tie it in with the right-wing Cubans in Florida … Maybe some back-door subsidies …"

Some of the conditions of the proposal were leaked to The Garlic. They include;

- Having a large square or central meeting place and the ability to mobilize 100,000+ citizens to it and chant anti-American slogans

- A televison network (state-run or private) that can promote your Axis of Evil qualities and rail against the United States

- Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or Nuclear Weapons.

There is a rider on having Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or the Nuclear Weapons. This new Axis of Evil member wouldn't actually have to have them, but they will need to sign on that they will say they have them.

The RFP will direct countries interested in joining the Axis to a special CIA website, where the can download the RFP in pdf format and, if they act within a certain period of time, there are some extra's they can take advantage of.

One is the State Deparment will produce a custom video or DVD for the new Axis member, of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld disparaging them as a rogue nation and laying out a possible plan of invasion, for their internal use only.

There's a second pacakge, for a large fee, that includes the video, and also, that Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice will go to the United Nations, detail their Weapons of Mass Destruction, and set a deadline, that will ignore the United Nations Security Council, for invasion.

The proposal has been approved by Britian's Tony Blair and a number of other members of the European Union, though it's unclear if the French are behind it.

"The President", offered the source, "is inclined to forgo the process and just place France in the Axis … It wouldn't take much to get him slamming Chirac …"


Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent

In winning the ruling last week that three blogs must disclose their sources on articles they published with details, in advance of its' release, about Apple's new Mini iPod, CEO Steve Jobs has mapped out an extensive campaign to squash all rumors, criticism and dissent against Apple.

Critics of the plan, some inside Apple, suggest that Jobs is modeling Apple in the image of rival Microsoft.

With tremendous cashflow coming from iTunes and iPods sales, Jobs has put an unprecidented number of lawyers on retainer - some with specific First Admendment backgrounds - and is targeting all major media, blogs, community newsletters and personal emails.

Apple will also set up a special hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products.

Changes will be coming with iTunes as well. The purchase price will remain at .99, for those willing to sign a contract that they will not badmouth Apple. Otherwise, the purchase of a tune will cost $99 and Apple will create a dossier on that purchaser and monitor there actions and communications.

Ipods will now be outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. If any of these keywords are used, the iPod shuts down, and sends a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the iPod owner with a lawsuit.

Editor's Note: As we filed and posted this story, The Garlic was served papers, demanding we disclose who inside Apple suggested that Apple is becoming like Microsoft.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs That Congress Is On Steroids

10. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is now using a sledge hammer for a gavel

9. You have to wrestle the Sergeant at Arms to get onto the floor

8. Rep. Wally Herger: Last Year - Wrote 3 Bills; This Year - 25 Bills

7. Instead of Tax Cuts, Congress now only interested in huge USDA Choice cuts of meat

6. House Armed Services Committee now armed-to-the-teeth

5. Sen. John McCain ripped Lincoln out of his chair at the memorial and put chair in his office

4. Sen. Ted Stevens proposing legislation for more nudity on television

3. New sub-committee - Ways and Means of getting Balco Steroids

2. Replaced filibusters with Cage of Steel Death Matches

1. Sen. Bill Frist was caught giving Sen. Trent Lott a shot in the ass

Wednesday 9 March 2005

Red Sox Sue Colorado Town Over Frozen Body Rights

The small town of Nederland, Colorado, about 35-miles outside of Boulder, have been served 'Cease-and-Desist' papers from the World Champion Boston Red Sox, over their Frozen Dead Guy Festival.

Trygve Bauge froze the body of his grandfather, "Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel, in 1989, on the hope of someday reviving or cloning him. In 2002, as an effort to increase tourism, the town of Nederland began celebrating Frozen Dead Guy Days.

The Red Sox charge that this is an infringement on their trademark, intellectual and property rights. Since the death of former star, Ted Williams, the last major league player to bat .400, in July of 2002, the Red Sox say they own the rights to Frozen Dead Guy. William's has been cryogenically perserved at a facility in Arizona.

Bauge could not be reached and it's unclear if "Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel played baseball, or batted over .400.


Boeing Exec Tried To Start Runway Club

Sources to The Garlic have found that former Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, forced out on Monday for ethics violations by the Boeing board for a consensual affair he conducted with another Boeing executive, was out to establish 'The Runway Club'.

Long the legend in the airline business, the Mile High Club, claims hundreds-of-scores of members, those who conducted affairs on aircrafts while flying.

Stonecipher, a long-time airline industry member, first with McDonnell Douglas, believed that those in the airline industry who didn't fly, who worked on the ground, deserved a club. Though unconfirmed, membership in the 'Runway Club' is said to dwarf the numbers of the Mile High Club.

Boeing officials would neither confirm or deny the existence of the Runway Club.

Stonecipher said that he is proud of his work and intends to stay as a member in the Runway Club.


Study Shows Clams Not Happy At All

In a report released today, from a joint study by Harvard University and the Cape Cod Oceanic Institute, a long-held belief was dispelled - Clams are not happy at all.

The study, conducted over three years, from 2001-2004, covered a wide variety of clams, hard and soft shell, from both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, as well as Chesapeake Bay. The bivalves studied include Geoduck, Quahog, Razor, Steamer, Surf, Butter, Pismo.

Researchers offered that clams scooped from beds in deep waters, versus those clams forced to live low-tide sands, had a better dispostion, but not what one would call 'happy'. In monitoring their behavior and movements, reseachers believe that most clams have a sense that they will end up as someone's dinner - be it other species of fish, or in a pot at a traditional clam bake.

Top Ten Cloves: Dan Rather's Final Anchor Broadcast

10. A stumble, shirt rumbled, tie askew, cigarette dangling from mouth and cocktail glass on desk - Screw the news, let's party!

9. Looking overweight; Says he has guest spot lined up on Fat Actress

8. A simple 'Goodbye'; Camera follows him out of building and watches as he gets in spaceship and takes off

7. Bewildered; Extreme Makeover came in and redesigned set for a new CBS Reality show in the works

6. Flashes 800 Number at bottom of screen and say he's taking bets on the Michael Jackson case

5. Arm wrestles Mike Wallace

4. Looking buff, will announce has been taking steroids and has try out with Chicago Cubs

3. Will spend the entire 30-minutes defending that he had the Bush National Guard story straight

2. Flashes 900 Number at bottom of screen for new job: Psychic Dan Hotline

1. Irony - Will go retro and deliver the news as Grandfather Clock

Tuesday 8 March 2005

Despite Hype, Martha's First Day 'Pretty Average'

Aside for the intense media present, and a brief photo op, Martha Stewart's first day back at work was a routine day, as with any new employee.

According to officials at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Martha received no special treatment.

Stewart was not yet wearing her monitoring ankle bracelet and officials dismissed concerns that the bracelet may cause disruption to some of the company's technolgy and wireless equipment, including cellphones.

Stewart reported to Human Resources, filled out the application and insurance forms and then attended a 2-hour company orientation, a 30-minute 401K seminar and a 1-hour training on the company's telephone and computer systems. As with all employees, Stewart receives two 15-minute breaks and is alloted one-hour for lunch and was shown how to use the Time Card Machine.

This was followed with being taken to lunch and meeting some of the other company officials she will be working with.

Stewart then spent the afternoon at her post, and with assistance from administrators and assistants, worked on getting familiar with her new tasks.


Hawk and Weapons Expert Get's Bush Nod for U.N. Post.

President Bush, yesterday, displayed his commitment to finding Weapons of Mass Destruction with his choice of John R. Bolton to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

Bolton has been a blunt critic of the U.N and international diplomacy overall, with his views closely in line with Cabinet members Vice President Dick Cheney, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina was once Bolton's mentor.

Bolton offered in a brief interview, that unlike former Secretary of State Colin Powell, he would have no qualms with presenting to the United Nations false, doctored or otherwise shoddy intelligence if it offered the chance to invade another country.

Administration officials declared that the choice of Bolton demonstrates the President's "strong commitment to finding Weapons of Mass Destruction - in Iraq, Iran, North Korea, or wherever they may be".



Yahoo Considers Internet Telephone Service

Search and portal giant, Yahoo, is entering the internet telephone business with a VoIP offering, sources close to The Garlic discovered. VoIP (voice over Internet Protocol) is a fast-growing technology, allowing users to make and receive telephone calls via their computers.

The plan calls for the traditional ring to be replaced with Yahoo's trademark, 'Yaaaahooooo' when an incoming call comes in. Additionally, ads may appear during your conversation, incoming or outgoing, based on the content of your conversation, or simply by the number your dialed. Another feature allows you to make a direct call, or you can do a random call, based on the results of the search, via Yahoo's search portal.

Yahoo officials declined comment.

Top Ten Cloves: How Howard Stringer Will Revive Sony

10. Was always partial to Betamax - Time to bring it back!

9. Build up Asian market. Add program to Playstation so players can order sushi

8. Call in favor to Letterman. Place Sony logo on desk

7. Good timing - Dan Rather's looking for work, see if there's a post for him

6. Note: Can't spend time at doctor's; Call contractor to enlarge doorways

5. Develop TV Reality show - Westerner takes over Japanese company; Go heavy with Saki and Karaoke segments

4. Instruct all Japanese employees to stop bowing - Unproductive - time better spent working

3. Throw in some extra footage and re-release all Sony Picture films as 'Director Cuts

2. Call in favor to Toby Maguire: Must dress as Spiderman 24/7/365

1. Say sayonara to Vaio and Hello to sPod

Monday 7 March 2005

Rumsfeld Defends Shooting Italians

In a candid press conference, in which he interviewed himself, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the shooting of the Italian diplomat this past weekend.

"Hostage rescuing isn't pretty", stated Rumsfeld.

"Given the situation, I wouldn't go racing around in the middle of the night - in the middle of a war zone - with my lights out and a rescued hostage in the back seat? … I wouldn't defy an order to stop with a gun pointed at me? … Would I even be in Iraq in the first place?

"I mean, would I make sure my auto had armor? Would I have a ceritifed, qualified driver?

"Did the Italian shoot first? …Were the Italians yelling and hooping it up the way those people like to celebrate? … These are the type of questions we need to find the answers to before we go jumping off bridges, saying the American's did this, or the American's did that … "

"It's a terrible, terrible, thing … This … War business …It's an untidy business".

Rumsfeld went on, blaming the Italians for extending World War II and saying, squintingly " …. I just couldn't believe … couldn't fathom … how they lost to South Korea in the 1966 World Cup … Unbelieveable …It would be like … as if Sadam's rag-tag army beat us"


Syrian Pullout Hinges on Moving Van Backlog

In a telephone call yesterday, Syrian President Bashar Assad of Syria assured U.S. President Bush that he was working on an early withdrawal from Lebanon, but was facing a crisis of a lack of moving vans.

"It's been terrible", Assad told a group of reporters. "Benkins, Allied, United Vans … They're pricing is outrageous … And, I hear they are not very careful with the things they move - and you know what it's like filing a claim with a moving company"

"Plus, we have the Gaza Strip thing going on and they're telling me they have a lot of reservations for their vans … In another month, we have the students moving out, going home for the summer …"

When it was suggested that Syria move itself out of Lebanon, Assad offered that wouldn't be as easy as it sounds.

Assad indicated that many of the small trucks and vans they have are outfitted for war, with gun mounts and grenade launchers, so they could only move small things "dishes, glasses, odds-and-ends".

"We'd have to bring in the supplies, you know … the boxes … the bubblewrap … We lost the only Mailbox Etc. back in the '86 bombing … UPS has promised to open a store here but hasn't done so yet … I guess we'll have to go on eBay and see what we can come up with …"

Top Ten Cloves: Signs The Government Is Screwing with Your Private Retirement Account

10. President Bush goes on television and blames you for the trouble with Social Security

9. Strongly suggests you start working on Saturdays to help build the account up

8. Sends Governor Schwarzenegger to your house to "collect" the interest

7. You discover Speaker of House Dennis Hastert is charging his meals at swank restaurant to your account

6. No Monthly Statement; You get voicemails from Secretary of Treasury John Snow laughing at you

5. Instead of nest egg, government promises you special chocolate egg with Presidential Seal on it

4. You get signed photo in mail of special Congressional junket to Aruba, thanking you for letting them use your Frequent Flyer Milage

3. Threatens to put you and your family in the Extraordinary Rendition program unless you start saving more

2. Sets your Personal Retirement Age at 86

1. You get email from Nigerian Prince offering to help you to get your money