Friday 3 June 2005

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News In Brief - 3 June 2005

Nader Lobbies EU Leaders For Ballot Spot

Ralph Nader appealed once again to the European Union to place the perennial candidate on the ballot for the European Union Constitution voting, and that his presence, and a spot in running the new Union, will stem the tide of "No" votes.

On Sunday, voters in France said "No" to the constitution vote and on Wednesday, the Dutch overwhelmingly voted "No". This, for all intents-and-purposes, kills the adoption of the new constitution as all 25 members must approve it.

Nader cites his vast experience in battling to be included on ballots or in debates as a powerful tool in assisting the fledgling E.U. in gaining consensus and moving forward.

Nader also cited that he loves "cheese, chocolate and Jerry Lewis films" as reasons to bring him into the campaign.

Top Ten Cloves: What The Michael Jackson Jury Will Talk About When They Get The Case

10. Think he'd be up for paying each of us millions to let him go?

9. Anybody else got a book deal yet?

8. I wish Liz Taylor showed up to testify - I wanted to see if she's as big as everyone says

7. Why couldn't we get the Runaway Bride case …That would be a lot more fun

6. I liked his pajamas - do you think I can get them at a store or are they custom-made?

5. Okay, that's 12-0 in favor of getting chimps to do our housework

4. Was that Gary Coleman or was it his kid?

3. I don't think I can ever drink wine again without calling it "Jesus Juice"

2. You can bet, his first day in prison, someone will be dangling him of the third floor tier

1. When we reach our verdict, let's moonwalk back into the courtroom

Thursday 2 June 2005

49ers Next Plan Ghetto and Street Fighting Videos

Despite the controversy that has erupted over their last diversity training film, which featured lesbian pornography and racist humor, the San Francisco 49ers said last night that they continue to move forward with their program of educating their players on the situations they may face in the National Football League.

A series of Ghetto and Street Fighting videos are next in training and team officials stress that they have been purchased from a league-authorized vendor, and not, as with the diversity video, self-produced.

The controversial video, produced by former Public Relations Director, Kevin Reynolds, was a follow-up to a 2 1/2-hour diversity workshop — an event that Reynolds organized in the wake of an anti-gay comment by running back Garrison Hearst. It was meant to be shown to the players only, and the content was to demonstrate to the players on how to deal with the media.

A copy of the video, which Reynolds himself appeared in, conducting a gay wedding ceremony between two, busty woman, and encouraging them to "show me" how they will love each other, was sent to the San Francisco Chronicle.

Along with the pornography, the invective-laced speech and the racist humor, portions of the video were shot in San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's office. Press Secretary Peter Ragone indicated that permission was given, however, the understanding was that it was for a diversity training film.

"They didn't tell us anything about its content,'' Ragone said.

Greg Aiello, spokesman for the National Football League, said he was not aware of any other team-produced videos on media relations.

"The standard approach is to use our video and supplement it with comments by the PR directors, head coach, etc.," he said.

The Ghetto and Street Fighting video training is designed to show the players the type of situations they may get into away from the football field and instructors will offer the players options on how to avoid such situations.

"As best as we know" indicate a team spokesperson, "it is a set of professionally-produced videos. We didn't send any 49er's out into the streets to get into fights".


eBay Moves To Corner Web Spending

Shopping.Com Bought For Cash; SEC Looking Into Move As Global Domination May Be Goal

"Why are you doing it? How much better can you eat? What can you buy that you can't already afford?"

"The future, Mr. Gitts, the future."

While the above reference comes from Robert Towne's riveting 'Chinatown', it seems that eBay is intent on following its' directive.

Yesterday, the on-line auction giant plunked down $620-Million, in cash, to purchase the comparison shopping and consumer review site Shopping.com Inc.

The S.E.C and other government agencies are looking into the move, as it was unclear if it was a standard purchase-and-sale, or if Shopping.Com listed itself on the eBay auction website and company executives violated any laws in holding it out for their own personal gain.

Marketers have other worries, as it appears eBay is on-course to dominate spending on the word wide web.

Last year, eBay purchases included Rent.com ($415 million in stock and cash), Baazee.com, India's popular online shopping site, ($50 million), and the Dutch classified site, Marktplaats.nl ($290 million). They also increased their investment in Internet Auction Co., South Korea's largest online auction company and, in 2003, eBay purchased China's largest e-commerce site, EachNet, after an earlier, small investment.

"At the rate it is going", offered on beleaguered marketing executive, "there'll only be three places you can spend money on the web - Google, Apple and eBay"

eBay declined comment on the new purchase, or, if they have any plans to acquire Google and Apple.

News In Brief 2 June 2005

Burnett To Sign Deep Throat For New Reality Series
Felt To Host Show On Real-Life Whistle-Blowers

Reality Show king Mark Burnett is planning on signing W. Mark Felt, otherwise now known as "Deep Throat", to host a new Reality TV series on whistle-blowers.

Felt, who announced in the July issue of Vanity Fair magazine that it was he who was the anonymous source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, during their investigation of the Nixon Watergate scandal. The secret of who was "Deep Throat" was kept for over 31-years.

Burnett, through a company spokesperson, said he was "thrilled" to be able to get the real life "Deep Throat" for the Whistle-Blowers program, which will feature persons, in real jobs, exposing corruption and practices endangering the public safety.

"Think of it as", stated the spokesperson, "as a combination of 'Cops' and 'The Insider'. We'll have teams, with point values tied to the clues, as well as a panel of judges to score the creativity aspects and the determination of the contestants".

The show will air in the spring of 2006, however, Burnett will tape the 91-year-old Felt's appearances over the next few month.

No comment was offered as the what Felt's contract will pay and Burnett indicated that Bob Woodward will not make any money on this new project, even though it involves the words "Deep Throat".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Mark Felt Is Admitting

10. J. Edgar Hoover's dress size was a 22

9. He kinda likes the blue tinge that his Viagra pills give him

8. That he, not Al Gore, invented the Internet

7. Voted for Bo Brice last week

6. He was on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963 and did see shots fired from it

5. Dan Rather was under constant FBI surveillance to see if he really knew "the frequency"

4. FBI kept a file on everyone who solved Rubik's Cube

3. Pet Rock was really a FBI Behavioral Science operation to build a list of liberals and subversives

2. The FBI "encouraged" General Hospital to put Luke and Laura together as a means to suppress woman

1. He knew weeks before the general public who shot J.R.

Wednesday 1 June 2005

More Revelation Bombshells
Felt Admits To Being 'You're So Vain' Target

Simon Confirms "Brief Affair" With Former FBI Man

No sooner than he ignited the country with one of the best kept secrets of all-time, W. Mark Felt, the senior F.B.I. official who admitted to being the Watergate scandal's "Deep Throat" source, dropped a second bombshell when he announced that Carly Simon's 1973 hit song, 'You're So Vain', was aimed at himself.

The identity of "Deep Throat", the inside anonymous source for Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein that helped bring down the Nixon White House, was one of the country's longest - over 31-years - and most talked about secrets. Felt's identity was known only to Woodward, Bernstein and Washington Post Editor, Ben Bradlee

Felt, now 91-years-old, acknowledges being "Deep Throat" in an article that will appear in the July issue of 'Vanity Fair magazine. The secret, and sometime classified information that Felt provided The Washington Post, along with the actions of Judge John Sirica and the heated Senate hearings on the Watergate scandal eventually culminated in Nixon's decision to resign in 1974 rather than face impeachment.

As the airwaves burned through the evening, with numerous Nixon henchman, many still defending the Nixon Presidency and the subsequent cover-up of their covert actions, making panel appearances on television and radio, Felt, with a small group of lingering reporters, asked the group if they wanted to hear another admission.

Felt then offered that in 1971 and into 1972, Felt bumped into Simon at an airport layover and struck up a conversation with the young singer. He offered that the two "hit it off" and Felt abandoned his travel plans and flew off with Simon. He said the affair lasted approximately 10-months and the two parted amicably.

Simon, when reached late last evening, confirmed Felt's disclosure.

"I was in a funky period back than and here's this dashing, older man that looked like a diplomat. He totally charmed me, flew me around in government jets, we could get into anyplace we wanted to … It was quite quixotic"

Simon said she wrote 'You're So Vain' "to mark that period" and not as a scorned lover that most people interpreted the song to be.

"I knew from the beginning that it would be a brief affair … I didn't have any illusions and he was always quite the gentleman".

In 2003, Simon, for the 'Possible Dreams' charity auction, offered to reveal the identity of the song's target and NBC Executive Dick Ebersol ponied up $50,000 to win to bid. In August 2003, Simon hosted Ebersol and nine of his friends for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and vodka on the rocks. At midnight, Mr. Ebersol alone learned Simon's closely guarded secret.

"Both secrets were hard to keep" offered a tired Felt.

News In Brief 1 June 2005

Haig Stood In-The-Ready If Felt Backed Down

Former Nixon Staffer Okay To Take "Deep Throat" Rap

A small side drama played out in Washington yesterday as former Nixon Chief-of-Staff, General Alexander Haig, stood in the wings to step in and declare that he was "Deep Throat", in the event Mark Felt decided not to go through with it.

"I heard, throught the grapevine that this was coming down" offered Haig. "So I contacted Bob Woodward and told him that I could take control of the situation, if necessary".

Haig was the subject of criticism and ridicule, when, in 1981, serving as Ronald Reagan's Secretary of State, following the assassination attempt on Reagan, Haig declared that "I'm in control here".

"I didn't want to do that again", declared Haig, "but I am ready"

Top Ten Cloves: Things G. Gordon Liddy Would Like To See Happen Now That "Deep Throat" Is Exposed

10. Can pull the plug on the wiretaps and surveillance for Woodward and Bernstein

9. Still has a team that can abduct and "cancel with extreme prejudice" Mark Felt

8. Believes Bush Administration would do better with more break-ins - and he's ready to volunteer

7. Continue to harass John Dean

6. Cancel the contract on Alexander Butterfield

5. Ignore the news - stick to the story … Ignore the news - stick to the story

4. Tell Colson to shut down the church and get back to business

3. Get some sit-down time with Karl Rove to discuss his "career options"

2. Hmmm … Maybe it's time to cash-in on that 18-1/2 minutes of tape

1. Can stop harassing Hal Holbrook

Tuesday 31 May 2005

U.S. Military To Begin Abusing Bible
New Policy Cites Need To Be 'Fair and Balanced'

As calls mount for the closing of the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp, over the widespread allegations of torture and abuse, the U.S. Military has announced a new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program, that calls for the mistreatment and abuse of the Bible, and other religious works.

Lawrence Di Rita, the chief Pentagon spokesman, stated yesterday that the U.S. Military will begin implementing the new 'Faith-based Incarceration, immediately and, eventually, will cover nearly every religious denomination.

"With using the Bible, as an instrument of abuse and torture, we included a number of faiths, right there, alone. Prisoners that are Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Calvinist, or Lutheran - which we can also employ the Book of Concord - are going to feel the wrath of the U.S. Military.

For British and Australian P.O.W.'s, Di Rita indicated the King James Bible will be the object defiled.

Other faiths will be brought on-line in the P.O.W. prisoner camps as the need calls for. The U.S. Military can fly in a 'Faith-based Incarceration' torture kit "in a matter of hours" according to Di Rita.

"We have Torahs, and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion - that was a tip from our friends in Mossad. If we capture any Mormon, we can bring in the Book of Mormon, or the Pearl of Great Price".

The new 'Faith-based Incarceration' program comes in the wake of widespread allegations of the abuse of the Koran as a means to torture Islamic prisoners. Earlier this month, 'Newsweek' Magazine ran an article detailing such abuse at the Guantanamo prison in Cuba, that they later retract after the Bush Administration and the Pentagon gave blistering denials.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan went as far as blaming 'Newsweek' for the deaths of 17 Afghans in rioting that followed the publication. That assertion was subsequently refuted by U.S. Military commanders and by Afghan President Hamid Karzai during his visit to the White House last week.

What became clear to the Pentagon was the lack of a program that would trample all religions and a task force was quickly put together to develop a program that would be deemed as "fair".

Di Rita stated that other religions would soon be included.

"We' re working, as I speak, on Hindu program. There's too many writings to base the abuse on one by itself and it will depend just what region or faith that particular Hindu prisoner happens to be from. And then there's a number of 'New Age' religions that we need to investigate and see what can be used in those cases."

And the new Faith-based Incarceration' program has the full backing of the White House.

"President Bush", offered McClellan, "is happy to see a program where prisoners of different faiths can be abused and tortured equally and fairly".



New Zarqawi Tape Deemed 'Idol' Demo

Iraqi Terrorist Leader Warbles 'Louie Louie' In Attempt To Join Hit Show

It could have come down to Carrie Underwood and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

A new, 17-minute audio message addressed to Osama bin Laden, with the voice of a man claiming to be Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the U.S. Military's most wanted man in Iraq, has been deemed to be a demo tape that the terrorist leader was, perhaps, looking to gain entry to the hit American Idol program.

The rambling message, in which al-Zarqawi tells bin Laden that he was wounded, but only slightly, and is still in Iraq and running his insurregence program against the. U.S. and Iraqi forces.

According to a source close to the Military, who has been examining the authenticity of the audiotape, it may be that al-Zarqawi taped his new message over a previously recorded message - his singing a cover of the 1963 Kingsman hit tune, 'Louie, Louie'. After finishing off the tune, with a forced flourish, al-Zarqawi appeals to the American Idol reviewer to give him his best consideration.

It has long been rumored among military and intelligence officials that al-Zarqawi was a big fan of the American Idol program, including rumors that the U.S. Military ran a specially-coded broadcast of the program in Iraqi in an effort to track down the location of who was watching the program and matching those locations to known al-Zarqawi hideouts.

A spokesperson from American Idol stated that, while they receive demo tapes from all around the world, they have no record of receiving the al-Zarqawi tape.

The audio was posted on an Islamic website in which other al-Zarqawi messages have appeared late Monday night but bore the date from last Saturday.

In measured tones, al-Zarqawi admitted that he was wounded but dismissed that it was serious, or that he entered the Ramadi hospital, as had been rumored.

The source that listened to the tape indicated that al-Zarqawi's singing was about "on-par" for a typical, early-round, American Idol contestant.

"If you are familiar with the song "Louie, Louie", you'll be deeply disappointed. He sings in both broken English and Arabic and it sounds like he's backed by synthesizer and drum set - and that could easily have been a CD or tape .. It was extremely poor quality".

Military officials haven't ruled out that the use of 'Louie, Louie' by al-Zarqawi could be some kind of coded message to bin Laden.

News In Brief 31 May 2005

London Gripped In 5th Day of Riots
Fears That Big Ben Stoppage Signals 'End of Days'; Some Blame Camilla

The City of London suffered its fifth day of panic and rioting as British citizens ran through the streets, ransacking storefronts and overturning automobiles and lighting them on fire. The British military has been called in to augment the over-matched London Police and restore order.

The discord began last Friday evening, when the historic landmark clock, Big Ben, stopped ticking twice and remained inoperative for over 90-minutes.

Big Ben survived German bombings during World War II and has continued to mark the time to within 1.5 seconds of Greenwich Mean Time. In 1962, the giant clock rang in the New Year 10-minutes early due to snow, and broken machinery caused it to stop in 1976. Big Ben also stopped on April 30, 1997, and once more three weeks later.

Standing 315-feet-tall, Big Ben, actually the clock's 13-ton bell, was completed 1858

Officials say that it may have been the record-breaking heat in London, where it reached 90-degrees - the hottest May day in London since 1953. The heat, official also say, may be what contributed to the panic and rioting.

"It seemed like the whole town paused for a few minutes and then exploded" said one London police officer.

Security was beefed up at Windsor Castle as a crowd swelled, demanding that Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cornwall, the former Camilla Parker Bowles, leave the country. Some in crowd held signs blaming the Duchess for the troubles with Big Ben.

While some of the rioting has spread to towns outside of London, most of it has been contained within the city. The only establishments spared being razed are the town's pubs.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons The French Rejected European Union Constitution

10. Most pulled the lever thinking they were voting for the American Idol contestant Carrie Underwood

9. Want to stay independent in case Malcolm Glazier tries to buy EuroDisney

8. Afraid it would mean the Germans would occupy Paris again

7. It would have meant having to sell Freedom Fries

6. Those lazy Corsicans didn't bother to get up and vote

5. Upset if they voted "Yes" for the constitution, that they would have their fingers dipped in purple dye

4. Most were riveted, watching Danica Patrick in the Indy 500 and didn't pay attention to how they voted

3. Bill Frist did another video message, advocating French adopt the E.U. Constitution

2. Voted "No" due to rumor that the E.U. would ban all Jerry Lewis films

1. Let's be real, the rest of Europe thinks they are as good as us?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

PEACE

THE GARLIC

Piercing, Shattering Noise Rocks DC Area
Authorities Trace To Capitol Bldg; May Be Frist Presidential Hopes

Washington, D.C. was rocked early last evening with a piercing, shrieking, shattering-type noise, heard for scores of miles beyond the nation's capital.

As emergency switchboards were flooded with calls from concern and frightened citizens, local police departments, aided by a division of federal agents pinpointed the center of where the noise emanated from and it appears to be the U.S. Capitol Building.

The first calls reporting the shattering noise began to roll in around 6:15PM, and lasted for more than an hour. Further tests were being conducted late into the evening, as more calls and leads poured in.

Washington D.C. Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey seemed assured that the public was not in danger. Homeland Security officials monitored the situation but did not change the color code.

"I'm pretty sure we know what this is all about", offered the Chief.

Speculation among authorities is mounting that the noise was the 2008 Presidential hopes of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) breaking apart, as he lost a senate vote to end the debate over the nomination of John Bolton to the post of United Nations Ambassador.

Frist had begun the day confident, that not only the debate would end, but the nomination vote would take place as well.

For Frist, this is the second major blow to his leadership, after Monday's surprise compromise, in which 7 Democrats and 7 Republicans joined forces to bring a truce to the heated judicial nomination debates, and prevent Frist from enacting the threatened 'Nuclear Option' that would change Senate rules and outlaw filibusters.

Frist, who has been positioning himself for a run at the 2008 Presidential rave, has been widely criticized by other Republicans as to his abilities to be the Senate Leader and delivering for the President, his last-term, conservative agenda.

The failures of Frist this week, according to some Republican sources, not only throw a wet blanket on gaining the 2008 nomination,. but risk seeing Frist replaced as Senate Majority Leader as well.

"Hey," offered one Republican insider, "when you're in charge of the bakery, and the bread isn't coming out of the oven, might be time for a new baker"

The White House commented that they were "disappointed" in not seeing a vote for Bolton.

"This has happened before", stated Chief Ramsey. "Probably, the last time was way back, when I think Gary Hart was in office … That was one doozy of a noise, all right".


NBA Considers Selling Uniform Space To Advertisers
Carl's Jr. Looking To Place Paris Hilton To "Our Key Demo's"

The National Basketball Association announced this week that they are considering offering space on team uniforms for advertisers and sponsors to display their names or logos.

The proposal could reap billions for the NBA, according to Commissioner David Stern.

"Let's face it, the horse is out of the barn and we don't even have a farm yet"

The NBA currently bans all forms of advertising on team uniforms, the only major sport that has such a restriction and some owners are against having uniforms with advertising, wanting the league to maintain a certain, professional look.

However a growing number of owners are looking at it seriously, as a means to recoup some of the millions they spend on payrolls for players.

Dallas Mavericks owner, Mark Cuban, says "bring it on"

"Man, we could really go to town on this … Have different advertisers for different players … Home uniforms, Away uniforms … Hell, if someone wants to spend enough money, we'll have the sponsors strapped to the player's backs"

One advertiser is already lining up to secure uniform space from the NBA - Carl's Jr.

With their new, Paris Hilton television campaign going through the roof, Carl's Jr. can't produce enough branding fast enough to leverage the bevy of free publicity and extra plays of the commercial they have been receiving.

The commercial features a bathing suit-clad Paris Hilton, sensually soaping up a Bentley automobile - and herself - while eating a Carl's Jr. burger.

"I mean, how hot would that be to have Paris Hilton on a bunch of big, sweaty NBA players", offered one Carl's Jr. marketing executive. "We could probably do something special … like during timeouts, we have soap, or something, interact with the player's perspiration so the uniform suds-up"

When asked about the Carl's Jr. proposal, Stern smiled.

"Yes, we have talked with them. It certainly is an interesting idea but, perhaps, a bit too much … We have a lot of young fans … If they want to use Lindsey Lohan, now, maybe we can talk …"

Top Ten Cloves: How John Bolton Will Relax Over The Memorial Day Weekend

10. Complain to President Bush how come American Idol contestants can get votes but he can't?

9. Make prank phone calls to North Korean Leader Kim Jong

8. Trim his moustache - strand-by-strand

7. Visit his local supermarkets to lambaste and scream at the bag boys and cashiers - just to stay in shape

6. Start writing the intelligence reports that he will present in U.N. to allow Bush Administration to invade Syria

5. Give his TIVO a workout, watching the new Paris Hilton commercial

4. Think about job security - pull out of ambassadorship and go for being a federal judge

3. Take a road trip to Ohio and beat the crap out of Senator George Voinovich

2. Meet with architects to begin planning on loping off the top ten floors of the United Nations building

1. Pick up the DVD and watch his favorite film, 'Twelve Angry Men'

Thursday 26 May 2005

Tiger Jam Raises Over $1-Million - Without Name Host
Woods Slump Continues; Fails To Make Cut For Fundraising Concert

With A-List celebrities, including Terri Hatcher, Conan O'Brien, Kevin James, floating around the floor of the sold-out Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas last Saturday, the Tiger Jam VII raised more than $1 million for the Tiger Woods Learning Center (TWLC) and select local charities.

And it was done without the name-above-the-title host - Tiger Woods.

Woods failed to make the cut for the annual fundraiser, which featured the music of Stevie Wonder and the Counting Crows, leaving the crowd searching for the famed golfer much of the evening.

It appears Woods is carrying over his woes from the golf course. Woods has gone 10 majors without winning, matching the longest drought of his career. His only victory this year was in February, and three players - Vijay Singh, Ernie Els and Phil Mickelson - have grabbed most of the headlines.

Reports say that during rehearsals, Woods flubbed his lines, forgot names of key sponsors and guests, and shanked his handshake too far to the right. After a brief huddle of the event producers, Woods was informed that he would be left out of the main event later that evening.

Woods was said to have acted professionally, but was also distraught. Reports from numerous guests and hotel staff say that Woods spent the next several hours shaking hands with people, at random, often repeating the gesture two, or three times. He was also introducing himself to hotel staff, then returning a few minutes later, reciting their name back to them. Security guards on the floor of his suite report hearing him practicing a speech, over-and-over.

Tiger Jam, The Las Vegas-based concert series, was created in 1998 by the Tiger Woods Foundation, an organization dedicated to inspiring dreams in America's youth. Since its inception, Tiger Jams I - VII have raised more than $7 million. Proceeds from previous Tiger Jams have supported Child Haven, Center for Independent Living, Greater Las Vegas Inner City Games, Boys & Girls Club of Las Vegas, UNLV Women's Athletics, GRAMMY in the Schools and The VH1 Save the Music Foundation.

There were unconfirmed reports that hours into the fundraiser, Woods returned, indicating he was prepared and ready, but was escorted out of the room, without taking the stage or engaging in the ceremonies.


BBC Employees Stage Strike That Almost Goes Unnoticed

Management Doesn't Notice; Thought It Was A Gag and Goes Along With It

Looking to thwart company plans that call for over 4,000 job cuts over the next three-years, thousand of BBC employees stayed away from their work yesterday, calling a 24-hour strike.

Trouble is, as technicians, to news correspondents, to anchors, carried picket signs that read "Fight for our BBC." outside Television Center, the BBC's mammoth headquarters in West London, BBC management all but ignored the strikers, believing it was a practical joke.

"They were so civil and polite", said BBC Director General, Mark Thompson. "I thought it was a gag".

So much so that Thompson called his friend, actor and former Monty Python member John Cleese, who showed up, in costume and disguise of a Scotland Yard Inspector, causing a temporary commotion, as Cleese issued arcane and non-sensical instructions for proper striking rules and regulations.

Once his identity was exposed, Cleese took up with a picket sign and stayed for over an hour with the strikers.

When it became clear to Thompson, and the rest of the management staff that the strike was legitimate, it became difficult for the BBC to cover it, as only approximately 30% of the news staff reported to work. Strikers didn't help, as they refused to give interviews to the staffers sent out to cover the strike.

BBC did try to keep its programs on the air, but ended up cutting back or canceling much of its live television and radio coverage because of the strike. Among the programs to be canceled was the "Today" program, an influential morning news and current affairs radio broadcast. Repeats were put in place as well as a program about jazz music.

At issue is the financial future of the company. Thompson announced that in order for the BBC to stay competitive in an increasingly crowded broadcasting world, it would have to cut 3,780 jobs for a savings of about £355 million a year or about $642 million at current exchange rates.

Thompson was appointed last May as much to restore the BBC's confidence in itself as to lead the corporation into the difficult future. Last year, the BBC lost a bitter and angry battle with the Labor government of Prime Minister Tony Blair stemming from its coverage, in 2003, of the advent of the Iraqi war.

An investigation led by Lord Hutton, a former judge, found that the BBC had erred in reporting on the "Today" program that the government had deliberately exaggerated the case for war, and criticized the company for sloppy reporting and poor oversight. In the wake of Lord Hutton's scathing report, both the BBC's chairman and director general resigned.

Unions represent nearly 9,000 of the BBC's 27,000 employees and say Mr. Thompson's proposals would cut the company to the quick, making it impossible to maintain its reputation and high standards.

The strike is the first of three planned in the next month and Thompson was still surprised by the work action.

"I don't know, a lot of my friends are out there … I feel like I should be bringing them out some tea, or something".

News In Brief 26 May 2005

Mötley Crüe To Expand Lawsuit Beyond NBC

The metal band, Mötley Crüe filed suit against NBC yesterday for allegedly violating the group's free-speech rights and hampering its sales by banning it following an appearance on The Tonight Show after lead singer, Vince Neil, used an expletive on the air.

The band claims the ban was executed so NBC could gain favor with the Federal Communications Commission. The lawsuit, filed in a federal court in Los Angeles, claims NBC blocked other appearances for Mötley Crüe on NBC programs, including "Last Call With Carson Daly" and "Late Night With Conan O'Brien".

The appearances on the network were to promote the band's new double album, "Red, White & Crüe," composed primarily of previously released songs.

The band's attorneys filed a second lawsuit, a class-action suit, with over 35-million "John and Jane Does' named, charging them with not purchasing, or purchasing enough of the band's albums, tickets, or merchandises.

Mötley Crüe's lawyer, Skip Miller said that the band was prepared to "sue it's way back into the charts"

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things The Parents Television Council Doesn't Like About New Paris Hilton/Carl's Jr. Commercial

10. Neighbors who like commercial are throwing Carl's Jr. burger wrappers on their lawns

9. Have to lie to their children that it's an outtake/blooper from 'A Simple Life' program

8. Wish it was McDonald's or Burger King instead of a low-level chain like Carl's Jr. so they could get better PR

7. Envy - Nobody on the council owns a Bentley

6. Actually, they are protesting the size and nutritional value of the burger in the commercial

5. Not enough staff to protest at Carl's Jr and Hooters on the same day

4. Too many of their 10-year-olds are asking Mommy and Daddy to Tivo the commercial

3. Disappointed that Carl's Jr. won't be giving out free shakes like Wendy's did

2. They're a Freedom Fry bunch and object to the use of the song "I Love Paris"

1. When they show up to protest at Carl's Jr., crowd expects them to wash their cars

Wednesday 25 May 2005

Santorum To Back Frist On End-Of-Days Compromise
Says He'll Guarantee "Weather Storm" If That Day Comes

Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) came to the support of Senate Leader Bill Frist yesterday, in calling for an 'End-of-Days' scenario, and holding the Democrats to an extreme standard in order to conduct the "extreme measures" filibuster that is part of the Senate Compromise worked out Monday evening by 14 moderate senators, Republican and Democrat.

Santorum went further, saying he'll deliver "a weather storm" to the Democrats, "the likes that has never been seen".

Santorum, say his critics, is attempting to privatize the U.S. Weather System

On April 14, Santorum introduced Senate Bill 786, which will limit the National Weather Service to delivering severe weather forecasts, not daily local forecasts that are profit makers for commercial weather forecasters.

There are over a dozen private weather companies, including AccuWeather, that are based in Pennsylvania - Santorum's state and Santorum has received contributions from AccuWeather.

"The core mission of the National Weather Service" says Santorum, is not the five-day forecast but to prepare the public for weather emergencies. The Weather Service should not be investing resources, time and energy in providing travel forecasts for airlines or Pebble Beach or ski resorts."

Critics say that these private weather companies are taking information generated by the National Weather Service, repackaging it and selling it for a profit.

"The government should not compete in an area outside its mission where there is a private sector available," he said.

Santorum dismissed his critics and says he's just "trying to preserve jobs"

AccuWeather is the largest (325 employees) of 14 commercial weather forcasting companies in Pennsylvania.

"Let the Democrats just try something", barked Santorum "The Book of Revelations will look like a cartoon compared to what I, and AccuWeather, rains down on them".


White House Stays Course On Story Sources
Criticizes Islamic Websites For Vague Zarqawi References

Like his favorite news network, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was being "fair and balanced" as he criticized a number of Islamic news organizations and websites, who have been presenting unverified reports that Iraqi Al Qaeda leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is seriously wounded, perhaps gravely so.

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander" offered McClellan, at the daily press briefing yesterday.

"We would expect the Arab and Islamic journalists and news organizations to have sound principles in their reporting. We saw last week, the trouble and deaths that resulted from just a few lines in an American magazine. Reports like this can cause serious ramifications for a great number of our military, as well as innocent civilians".

McClellan not-so-covered reference to Newsweek's reporting of a Koran being flushed down a toilet at the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp, and the subsequent protests and 17 deaths in Afghanistan that President Bush, and McClellan, squarely blamed Newsweek for causing has been refuted by U.S. Military commanders as well as the Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

Mr. Zarqawi, who Osama bin Laden chose to be the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq, is a Jordanian-born militant who the U.S. Military has a $25-Million bounty on his head as the "most wanted man" in Iraq.

"Any news organization, or group" continued McClellan, "that puts out information that they know to be false, or inaccurate, is not a credible organization".

News In Brief 25 May 2005

PalmOne, Palm and Shareholders Battle Over Name Change

After two spin-offs, a few years and a revolving door for executives, PalmOne Inc. announced yesterday that it is paying over $30-Million to change its name back to Palm Inc.

The company that made its name with the PalmPilot may have a roadblock as shareholders have yet to approve the move.

Until the matter is resolved, both sides have agreed to the stipulation that for media and marketing, "The Company Formerly Known As Palm" will be used, along with an abstruse, unintelligible logo.


FBI Puts Out APB For New Computer System

FBI Director Robert Mueller told a Senate Appropriations subcommittee yesterday that the FBI had designed a new electronic information management system called Sentinel, however, it will not be operational until late 2006.

The new computer system was designed to replace the failed $170 million system aimed at helping agents share information

Mueller expects more budget to be spent as agents fan out over FBI property, screening and interrogating computers, which are required to show their system information and code, upon demand. Though foul play is not suspected, the FBI does have leads and there are a number of programs, language and hardware that are considered "items of interest".

Mueller indicated that until this problem is resolved, the FBI will continue to not share information with other government agencies.

Top Ten Cloves: What President Bush Will Do To Get The Stem Cells Adopted Before They Are Discarded

10. Haliburton has more money than God, let them raise'em

9. FCC, instead of issuing fines, can make violators take stem cells to raise

8. But Condi, a lot of working woman are single mothers

7. Could be the first group to open up Private Retirement Accounts

6. Have Frist add a new Senate rule that every Senator must adopt and raise a stem cell

5. If Army recruiting levels continue to plummet, we'll draft them into military and give them a proper raising

4. Add stem cells to the White House list of gifts given to visiting heads-of-state

3. Before we put them up for adoption, Rove wants DNA test to see if they come from Red State or Blue State

2. Get 2008 Presidential voting changed to whichever candidate adopts the most stem cells becomes President

1. Take 'No Child Left Behind' funds, 'Clear Skies' funds and the stem cell kids end up with lakefront property in Alaska

Tuesday 24 May 2005

Frist Wary Of New Compromise
May Continue With Justice Sundays; Seeks 'End of Days' Commitment

Through the efforts of 14 bipartisan senators, a compromise was reached on President Bush's judicial nominees and the Senate will move forward with the vote for confirmation, avoiding both a derisive filibuster or the unprecedented changing of Senate rules, the derided 'Nuclear Option'.

However, Senate Majority Leader, Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) is wary of the new compromise and wants a clear definition of the element around the Democrats' right to filibuster under 'extraordinary circumstances. Frist, essentially, was building his run for the presidency on this judicial nominee issue and was clearly reaching out to the conservative Christian right wing of the Republican Party.

Frist is threatening to conduct more Justice Sundays and wants an 'End of Days' guideline to what the extraordinary circumstances will be for the Democrats to invoke a filibuster over a judicial nominee.

Frist remains out on bail and is facing charges of the Patriot Act violations for his threatened use of the 'Nuclear Option (See The Garlic 11 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others).

Frist has called on Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, to assist Frist in drafting the 'extraordinary circumstances" clause of the compromise. Both men helped organize the first Justice Sunday event, which was dubbed, "The Filibuster Against People of Faith"

Frist wants an 'End of Days' scenario in place as the only definition of the 'extraordinary circumstances'. Frist, reportedly, has the backing of the While House for this harsh definition.

Senate Minority Leader, Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) was disappointed with Frist, charging him with continuing to "pander to the right" and vowed a fight over this clause of the compromise.

"He can throw all the fire and brimstone at us that he wants to" said an angry Reid. "He needs to look at the polls and what the American people are saying … The Senate is a joke right now and he's creating his own 'End of Days' scenario if he continues down this path".

It is being reported that Frist, in a symbolic gesture, flushed a copy of the compromise down a Senate toilet late last night.


Apple To Support Podcasting
Believes More Apple Dissent To Be Thwarted With New Support

At the 3rd D: All Things Digital Conference in San Diego this week, sponsored by the Wall Street Journal, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced that iTunes 4.9, the newest release of the popular music downloading application will feature integrated support for Podcasting.

Jobs was dismissive of the growing popularity of Podcasting, describing it as "Wayne's World for radio" but did remain upbeat to the phenomenon. Jobs also discussed the prospects of placing iTunes on telephones.

Intergrating Podcating with iTunes is the continuation of Apple's campaign to thwart and stamp down any dissent or negativity associated with the range of Apple's products and services (See The Garlic 10 March 2005 - Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent).

The new features for podcasting with iTunes 4.9, will have similar software to the newer iPods that are outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. Much like the iPods, the new podcasting features will send a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the podcasters with a lawsuit.

For those who upgrade to and/or download the new iTunes 4.9, and listen to a podcast on an either the iTune website or an iPod, a special button will be available that will take them directly to the iSqueal Hotline, so they can report any Apple dissent they hear being broadcast.

News In Brief 24 May 2005

F.D.A Readies Depression Device Implant

The Food and Drug Administration may soon approve a medical device for severely depressed patients, the first new option in more than a generation, though there is mounting evidence as to its' effectiveness.

The pacemaker-like device, called a vagus nerve stimulator, is a surgically implanted device, in the upper chest, and with wires are threaded into the neck, where it stimulates a nerve leading to the brain. It has been approved since 1997, for limited use and treatment and now is being readied for more widespread use.

One doctor, close to the study, indicated that while other treatments and drugs may be just as effective, the main obstacle has been that too many patients are too depressed to turn the device on.


'Star Wars' Sets New Box Office Records, But With Less Viewers

''Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" sold an estimated $108.5 million in tickets for the Friday-to-Sunday period, taking its total to $158.5 million since it opened after midnight Thursday. Its four-day haul sets a new record, surpassing the $134.3 million tally of 2003's ''The Matrix Reloaded."

While the overall revenue was on target for LucasFilms, the more detailed tracking of tickets showed that over $130-Million was spent from the same, small group of Star War devotees, who purchased tickets and sat through every screening, many in Star Wars costumes and character.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On The First Lady's Mid-East Trip

10. Look, she's holding hands with that woman - must be to get back at her husband

9. Do you believe that - She tried to get me to open a Private Retirement Account

8. I heard she's only over here to get a deal on some rugs and afghans

7. With that Nuclear Option thing, she just wanted to be out of the country

6. Oh man, get the briefing papers out again - she keeps saying "That spy, Jackson Pollack"

5. I wonder if Tom DeLay's lobbyist is paying for this trip?

4. No Mrs. Bush, the Special Rendition cells aren't on the itinerary

3. I heard she had them fly over a DVD of the final episode of Desperate Housewives

2. They thought it was one of her jokes when she said she wanted to see the Dome of the Rock because she likes his movies

1. What time does she flush the Newsweek Magazine down the toilet?

Monday 23 May 2005

Major Media Looking At Story Sources

No More Anonymous; Only Friends and "A Guy I Know" To Be Used

White House To Offer List Of Approved Sources

Major media and news organizations, including the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, NBC News, and others, say they will cut back and/or eliminate the use of anonymous sources.

Following the retraction of a Newsweek article describing the abuse of a Koran at Guantanamo Bay Prison, the media has come under heavy fire on the rampant use of anonymous sources, especially from the White House. Other scandals, including CBS News's reporting on President Bush's Texas Air National Guard service during last years' presidential campaign, have run into trouble using anonymous or unverified sources.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was particularly harsh in his criticism and yesterday, joined the major media in the solution by announcing a special, approved list of sources that the media can employ.

"We have a number of sources, still under contract, that the media can quote and employ" offered McClellan.

McClellan went on to reference Jeff Gannon and Armstrong Williams as being available. Both men were widely disparaged when it was discovered that, in their roles of journalists, they were also on the payroll of the White House, to promote or position a Bush Administration policy.

McClellan, when pressed about using paid White House sources, defended the program.

"These people are professionals, who have been vetted and are under contract … It's all above-board"

Meanwhile, editors of the top news organizations are going about adopting new sources policies.

Reporters must now quote only "friends", and can use "I guy I know", when writing their articles. Family members, co-workers and "a friend-of-a-friend" may also be used. Such sources as "I heard", "on-the-grapevine" and "people are saying", will not be allowed.

The editors rejected a White House request that reporters get a photocopy of the sources driver's license or passport.

The most famous use of a anonymous source came during the Watergate Crises, when a source known as Deep Throat helped Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein expose the White House scandal and cover-up. The subsequent investigation and hearings lead to calls to impeach then-President Richard Nixon, who later became the first U.S. President to resign, in disgrace, from office.

"This administration", said one editor who is a friend of a friend, "will cut a sources throat before that ever happens again"


Study Shows College Grads "Dropping Out"

Studies Abandoned; Blogs, Podcasting and Apprentice New Goals

With tens-of-thousands of young people discarding their caps-and-gowns during the upcoming weeks, prepared to face and challenge the real world, a new study shows that an overwhelming number of college graduates have far less ambitious plans.

The Center for the American Way of Life, an obscure think tank in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, released results for a two-year study they conducted on the habits and advancement of college graduates and were somewhat surprised at the results.

"We had a good deal of cross-referenced platforms in our study" offered Thaddeus Curtis, president of the CAWL, "designed to secure the most prominent and detailed motives of the study subjects".

Curtis indicated over 15,000 recent college graduates were in the program.

The results released show a growing trend of young people abandoning further studies or entry into the job market, opting, rather to stay living at home and engaging in blogs, podcasting or applying for Donald Trump's hit show, 'The Apprentice'

Some of the results show;

87% living in their parents home or basement
63% currently writing blogs
47% currently producing podcasts
53% have sent applications to 'The Apprentice'

Curtis said that the numbers grew as the study progressed and showed a continued trend in the direction of "dropping out".

"I suppose we'll have to do a second study of reading and analyzing the blogs and podcasts to see if we can figure out what's going on".

News In Brief 23 May 2005

Madison Ave, Name Brands, Lay Claim To Sadam Undies

Hanes, Fruit-of-the-Loom and BVD, along with their ad agencies, are claiming that former Iraqi dictator, Sadam Hussian, is wearing their underpants, in the photo's released last week by The Sun newspaper in London.

All describe the alleged "telltale" signs, including stitching, waistband and vent, as being their distinct brand.

"It's unmistakable" declared a spokesperson for Hanes.

FOL announced a new campaign, showing their fruit characters carrying weapons and in army fatigues.

The U.S. Military declined comment and is continuing the investigation as to how the photographs were leaked.


Six Flags Bans Sex Offenders

Six Flags Mountain, the amusement park chain, announced last week that they are banning from their parks, registered sex offenders.

Six Flags is adding wording on the back of season passes and tickets to all 30 of its U.S. amusement parks this year stating that it reserves the right to refuse entry to anyone convicted of a sex crime.

The company stated that no other action is being taken as to drug use, alcohol abuse, Skinheads and there will be no increase in safety training of its' employees.

A spokeswoman for the Oklahoma City-based Six Flags, said the wording provides "an extra level of protection" for park visitors.


Military Puts Brakes On Haliburton

The Army Field Support Command and Awards Fee Board are investigating the Haliburton company, and it's subsidiary, Kellogg Brown & Root, for missed assignments and reports of wild and violent "partying, following the recent payment of a $72-Million bonuses for the company's work in Iraq.

The Army says deadlines for food service, continued construction and mail delivery are all late and/or missed completely.

Reports are surfacing the Haliburton and KRB employees went on a 'party binge" following the receipt of the bonuses that included copious amounts of alcohol, drugs and "uninhibited sexual play", with some of these activities occurring on U.S. Government property. It is unclear if any U.S. Military personnel took part in the wild party.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Larry King Would Have Said If He Had Testified In Michael Jackson Trial

10. Did you know that 48% of the woman who watch CNN, would rather go to bed with me, than Wolf Blitzer?

9. I have to admit, I like to have alittle Jesus Juice before I go on air

8. Juror Number 5 - What do you have to say?!

7. I appreciate it, your Honor, on letting me use my CNN mic …It has a chip in it that makes my voice sound sexier

6. Just give me a call … I can get you a copy of the network footage of his sister's halftime show ... Stuff nobody's seen!

5. What kind of question is that? Look at'em - everybody knows he's a freak

4. Who's our next caller? … Oh, sorry, what was the question again?

3. On my show, when I reference "The Donald", I'm talking about Trump - Mr. Apprentice …I have no idea what Jackson is talking about when he talks about his "Donald" …

2. I know, the suspenders make me look taller

1. Let's be real - I wouldn't let my kid sleep in the same state as him …

Friday 20 May 2005

Dem's Dig In for Filibuster; Republicans For Coup

RNC Lining Up Corporate Sponsors For 'Nuclear Option Bash'

After a fierce day of arguments, and with no compromise in sight, the tension in Washington grew tighter than a congressman's wallet on a junket, as both sides of the Senate aisle head into the weekend, preparing for the final, climatic battle over the judicial nominations.

Sources close to the scene have told The Garlic that the Democrats have rented a warehouse in Virginia, where a complete replica of the Senate Chamber has been built. Plans call for a bevy of senators to practice their filibusting skills. A banquet of food is prepared, DVD's of the Jimmy Stewart classic, 'Mr. Smith Goes To Washington' are loaded and crates of bottled water stand in a corner.

Meanwhile, it's been reported that the Republican National Committee has been soliciting Corporate Sponsors for what they are calling the 'Nuclear Option Bash'. Ballrooms have been booked and an elaborate parade is being set-up for the day after Senate Leader Bill Frist presses the proverbial button that will put in motion, what some are calling, the first coup in United States history.

Many in Washington have already received invitations that encourage them to "bring your dancing shoes and leave your morals at home."

The invitation also has a photo of Frist, with the caption "Senator and First American to successfully lead a coup of the U.S. Government''

Said one unidentified RNC worker;

"We stole two presidential elections, we own the Congress, now we take over the judiciary - and we still have a few years left."

Another said that "we going to have to get some appropriations to renovate the Senate - we won't need aisles anymore".

There's also growing whispers of, with taking over the three branches of government, Frist and the Republican Leadership will next tackle a constitutional amendment to give Bush an "unlimited" term as President.

The parade has Democrats steaming.

One Democratic operative said he has seen Macy-parade-type floats of a giant judges' gavel that moves up-and-down and another showing Frist whipping groveling Democrats. There is also a giant Jumbotron that will carry prerecorded videotaped messages from Frist.

It's being reported that the Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, and one of the organizers and speakers at the recent 'Justice Sunday', will provide a float for the parade, depicting The Resurrection, with a giant tablet marked 'Roe v. Wade' that crumbles in front of the Presidential reviewing stand.

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), who, recently, has introduced a bill to privatize the weather, indicated that he will give a special, no-fee wavier for bright sunshine on the day of the parade.

The RNC has a contingency plan to spirit Frist out of Washington as soon as he changes the Senate rules, as by triggering the 'Nuclear Option, Frist will be in violation of his bail, for his arrest last week on Patriot Act charges (See The Garlic 11 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others)

One longtime Washington observer, a Democrat, offered;

Let'em gloat now …For the want of a judge, the kingdom was lost … Their memories are short - look what happened when Nixon tried to take over the country …"

"This time, we won't let him fly off, waving …"


Frank Gorshin, Batman's Riddler, Dead At 72

Leaves Last Riddle - MD's, Undertaker Can't Find Body

Frank Gorshin, the impressionist, who came to fame with his role as the crafty Riddler on the Batman TV series in late 1960's, died on Tuesday at the age of 72. A family statement said that Gorshin '' … put up a valiant fight with lung cancer, emphysema and pneumonia."

That however is what is known. What isn't known is where Gorshin's body is.

Gorshin, reliving his famous role, left a twisted riddle in his hospital bed and doctors, family and the undertaker have yet to solve the riddle, which promises to divulge where the body is located.

Burbank (Calif.) Police have been brought in and so far, to protect the investigation, have not released the riddle.

"We are investigating this as a missing person case" a police spokesman offered.

Gorshin broke into show business as an impressionist, in New York, and did more than 40 impressions, including Al Jolson, Kirk Douglas, Bobby Darin, Dean Martin and James Cagney. From there came the movies, with roles in such films as ''Bells are Ringing'' (1960) with his idol Dean Martin and a batch of fun B-movies such as ''Hot Rod Girl'' (1956), ''Dragstrip Girl'' (1957) and ''Invasion of the Saucer Men'' (1957).

One memorable evening in Gorshin's career came with an appearance on the Ed Sullivan show - the same night the Beatles made there debut.

The role of the Riddler, with a high-pitched laugh that Gorshin created, played the villainous foil in the question mark-pocked green suit and bowler hat to Adam West's Batman in the popular television show that ran from 1966-1969.

Police have reached out to Adam West, Burt Ward, who played Robin, and others from the Batman show, to seek help with cracking the riddle.

"I know it looked easy on television", a somber West indicated in a press conference "but Frank went off script often and improvised his own riddles and we had to solve them pretty quickly".

"It seems", said West, "that the dastardly Riddler will get the last laugh after all".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Being Discussed In The Senate Compromises Over The Judicial Nominee Fight

10. If the public only knew that Bush was pushing for Judge Judy

9. Democrats need to stop snickering and murmuring "Dr. Death" whenever the Senate Majority Leader takes the floor

8. I'm bummed out … Can we pass a law that they have to keep 'Everyone Loves Raymond' on-the-air?

7. Can't we shut-off C-Span and go with "What happens in the Senate, Stays In the Senate?"

6. Is it too late to appoint a judge that will declare Michael Jackson guilty?

5. Republicans will back down completely if Democrats can guarantee that Hillary won't run in 2008

4. Anybody else in here a Born-Again Virgin? … Pumped my numbers up back home over 20-points …

3. Look, if you don't back the Senate Leader, we'll put it out the you Democrats flushed a Koran down the toilet

2. Motion to end this meeting by 7:30PM - The Apprentice Final starts at 8:00PM

1. Okay, let's work out tee times, have some lunch and then go out and give everyone the "We're still talking speech"

Thursday 19 May 2005

Google Fires Executive Chef
Caught Searching Recipes On Yahoo, MSN

The Google campus in Mountain View, Calf. was rocked yesterday when long-time Executive Chef, Charlie Ayers, was fired. Google officials would only say that "Mr. Ayers has left the company" but insiders say that he was terminated after being discovered searching for recipes on rivals Yahoo, and MSN's search engines.

Ayers, who once was the cook for the Grateful Dead, and with Google for over five-years, was said to be stunned by Google's actions. In a statement released through a friend, Ayer's said that "he always searched everywhere … It was never an issue"

Ayers said he was proud of his work at Google and never considered his work as "corporate"

In a recent interview with the San Jose Mercury News, Ayers said that ``I always wanted to provide something better than the restaurant down the street.''

Ironically, after being fired, Ayers had to wing his way to Chicago, to accept an award from Food Management Magazine for Best Menu Concept.

Ayers served over 2,000 people daily in what came to be called "Charlie's Place", and grew famous for Ayer's exotic and skilled cooking and far from a traditional corporate cafeteria. Googlers were treated to fares such as duck sausage, Israeli couscous, wood-fired pizzas and pumpkin chili.

"He was right up there", offered one Google executive, "with Larry, Serge, Eric"

One source close to Google says that, since Google went public, some tensions have surfaced and Ayers is not the first person let go because of using a competitor's program.

"They track every single search that goes on in that building" said the source. "It's almost that they can tell if you are even thinking about using a search engine not named Google".

Reportedly Ayers will soon open his own restaurant or healthy food store.

Google plans to use it's own search engine to seek out another high-quality chef



Rumsfeld Dismiss Call For Space Weapons Program

"Happens every time a new Star Wars or some other Sci-Fi film comes out"

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld dismissed the Air Force's call for a new space weapons program yesterday

"For heaven's sakes, they really come up with some doozy's, don't they".

On Tuesday, General Lance Lord, who leads the Air Force Space Command, sought out President Bush's approval of a national security directive that would have the Air Force closer to fielding offensive and defensive space weapons, according to White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

"The President asked if it was ready yet and if it could be aimed at Newsweek" deadpanned McClellan.

Col. Lord, at a recent Congressional hearing, stated that "The Air Force believes we must establish and maintain space superiority. Simply put, it's the American way of fighting."

Air Force doctrine defines space superiority as "freedom to attack as well as freedom from attack" in space.

Rumsfeld once embraced the concept of a space weapons program.

Fresh from his appointment in 2001, Rumsfeld led a commission that recommended the military should "ensure that the president will have the option to deploy weapons in space."

Rumsfeld has since changed course, embracing a quick, flexible military force and is forging ahead with privatizing the military, as with the recently announced military base closing recommendations, and his deal with U-Haul (See The Garlic, Tuesday 17 May 2005 - Base Closings Tied To New U-Haul Self Storage Contract)

"This kind of thing happens every time a new 'Star Wars' or some other Sci-Fi film comes out" scoffed Rumsfeld. "Everyone gets all excited, running around, talking this weapon or that weapon … Really outrageous things that will cost … Billions … I mean Billions …And who knows how many years to develop, and test, and tweak and deal with all the deer-lovers and all that …

Rumsfeld's reference was to the new installment, 'Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith', due to open on Friday.

"I'm just an old-fashion, John Wayne, Smith-and-Wesson kind of guy anyway".

Top Ten Cloves: How Malcolm Glazer Will Make Manchester United and English Soccer More American

10. First order of business is to get these skinny Brits on some steroids

9. Raise the ticket prices so building of the Corporate Boxes can begin

8. Load the team up with some of the high-priced Brazilian ringers

7. Sexy Cheerleaders (Make note - bring them in from France)

6. Start a new youth program - Pint, Kick and Fight - to prepare them to be a big league English Soccer Fan

5. Oops - Don’t' forget to order a bunch of Original Whizzinators to hide the steroids

4. Lose the fish-and-chips and bring on the Jumbo Dog!

3. Three Words - Monday Night Soccer

2. Another Janet Jackson half-time show

1. Hire Gary Bettman as Commissioner so league closes down and paves way for NFL Football

Wednesday 18 May 2005

GoldenPlace.Com Issues Bonus For Flushed Koran

$100K Up For "Story-of-the-Year"; Offers To Buy Prisoner Too

GoldenPalace.Com, the on-line Canadian casino known for its outrageous promotions, issued a call last night and will pay $100,000 for the Koran at the center of the Newsweek article controversy.

A spokesperson said that it would be the "story-of-the-year to land that particular Koran" and that they'd "buy the prisoner too" if they could.

GoldenPalace.Com has released the offer in English, Spanish and Arabic.

Reports have been coming in that the Guantanamo Bay prison, where this alleged act took place, is in chaos.

Thousands of Cubans have descended around the area, digging up pipes in an effort to find the holy book. A flotilla of boats have been seen leaving Miami and heading towards Cuba, it's occupants holding picks and shovels.

Some wire services are reporting that U.S. Military staff have gone about ripping out toilets and plumbing.

GoldenPalace.Com has staff flying to Cuba, to hand out t-shirts with their name emblazoned on them for those digging to find the Koran.

"This is getting international media", offered the spokesperson. "We can't let that go by"

Over the past few years, due to the advertising restrictions placed on on-line gambling companies, GoldenPalace.Com has engaged in an aggressive marketing and promotions campaign, which as included tattooing the backs of boxers, paying a woman to name her baby GoldenPalace.Com, buying pieces of toast with images and sending a topless woman, with GoldenPlace.Com written on her chest, through a major golf tournament.

The White House was too busy lambasting Newsweek to offer comment.

With the President, Vice President, Secretary's Rice and Rumsfeld, Press Spokesman McClellan and a bevy of military brass all ganging up to badger Newsweek for printing the story, the White House Press Office released a schedule this morning of more people who will criticize Newsweek.

On tap to lay into Newsweek today are the White House Gardener and Chef, two of the First Lady's assistants, three sub-contractors from the Joint-Chief-of-Staff and six janitors.


Court Wine Decision Causes National Gridlock

Highways Jammed; Internet Slowed To Crawl With Wine Orders

An unintended consequence has developed since Monday, when the Supreme Court voted to allow the shipping of wine out-of-state as scores-of-thousands of wine drinkers have flocked to the internet to place orders.

With the wine companies poised for the ruling, they began shipping wine moments after the ruling was announced, resulting in national gridlock and the internet slowed to a crawl due to the vast number of wine orders being placed on-line.

FedEx and UPS are reporting record business, as their trucks and vans sit on blocked highways.

Reports from Route 75 in the Cincinnati area say the roads look like a "FedEx parking lot" and there is some reports of attempted hijackings.

Along Route 66 in New Mexico, the state was forced to close all public buildings, and schools, due to the gridlock.

"It's a mess", declared one state official.

Most industry observers believe the rush will soon die down, as the ruling doesn't necessarily open all the doors for the winemakers. Likely, the ruling places the issue back into the hands of state courts, where laws vary from state-to-state.

Some 15 states currently prohibit all direct-to-consumer wine shipments and in the remaining states, there is a patchwork of law around in-state and out-of-state shipping, while some states allow reciprocity, which permit direct sales only from wineries in states that in turn permit out-of-state direct shipments.

The ruling has taxed the entire system as wineries are working to full capacity to be able to make its shipments and wine drinkers are taking advantage of the situation while it lasts.

Contributing to the slowing down of the internet, is fraud.

Reports are coming in that the Nigerians scam artists have flooded the internet with pleas to "help the Prince release his wine" and promising high returns in this alleged winery.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement saying that "as soon as we finish beating up Newsweek, we'll take a look at this wine situation".

When pressed, McClellan admitted that a number of staff in the White House have placed wine orders but denied they were contributing to the gridlock.

"The White House", McClellan stated, "has its' wine flown in".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Newsweek Says U.S. Military Uses The Koran For That Hasn't Been Published Yet

10. Armament for vehicles - Stands up well to most enemy fire (except RPG's)

9. In case field identification necessary, roughly 27 Korans stacked is same height of Osama Bin Laden

8. Coasters in Officer's Clubs; Sweat rings add to the mystique of the book

7. President Bush uses one as a doorstop in Oval Office

6. MP's tell Muslim prisoners that Michael Jackson uses Koran to seduce young boys at Neverland

5. Black Op's guys at Guantanamo have gift Koran, pages laced with poison, for Fidel Castro

4. Halliburton is making a killing selling the Koran-On-Tape in the Mid-East

3. You know, it only takes four-or-five copies to give a jeep stuck in the mud traction to get out

2. To inflict mental torture, U.S. Military gives Muslim prisoners the Gideon Koran

1. For some G.I.'s, a box of chocolates, pair of nylons and copy of the Koran covers an entire weekend

Tuesday 17 May 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Rumsfeld Rolling On with Privatizing Forces
Base Closings Tied To New U-Haul Self Storage Contract

Deal With National Vendors To Save Billions; Commissoned Officers Can Take Home Vehicles

Critics are circling Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, after his defending of his sweeping recommendations on closing 33 major bases (as well as reducing forces at 62 major bases and 775 minor installations), in light of new information that Rumsfeld and the Pentagon have signed a multi-billion-contract with the national moving and self-storage company, U-Haul.

Rumsfeld, along with Vice President Dick Cheney, has long been an advocates of privatizing the U.S. Military in an effort to streamline operations and make forces more agile and prepared.

"My goodness", mocked Rumsfeld, "You'd think I was closing down the country … Some of these bases have been around since World War I … Most of them are Cold War relics …"

"Look at it … For heaven's sake, we have all our forces, our vehicles, our strategic weapons concentrated in so few places, making it as easy as baking an apple pie for some low-life terrorist creep, to pack his beat-up Toyota with explosives and drive right up the main road in one of these bases …"

Chairman of the Base-Closing Committee, Anthony Principi, a former Veterans Affairs secretary called Rumsfeld plans ''an arduous task and assessment.''

"It will have a profound effects on the communities and people who bring them to life".

Principi, as well as others, are questioning awarding such a contract to U-Haul without any public overview or hearings, which Rumsfeld scoffed at.

"We are in a time of war and I don't have time to write every liberal prissy a note"

Rumsfeld stated that such contracts are the purview of the Pentagon and, in wartime, do not need overview.

"This actually is going to be win-win for the country … More U-Haul storage units will be built and more people will be hired to manage them … And we get a fighting force that gets to eat their mother's cooking, sleep in their own beds …Studies show they make better soldiers".

"This plan would ''help move forces and resources to where they can best provide for our nation's defense".

U-Haul is celebrating its' 60th Anniversary this year, founded after World War II by L.S. "Sam" Shoen and his wife, Anna Mary Carty Shoen in the summer of 1945. U-Haul is the industry giant with over 13,700 independent dealers and over 1,300 company-owned U-Haul centers.

U-Haul's contract with the Pentagon calls for only company-owned U-Haul centers to hold and store U.S. Military equipment and property and industry experts say it will expand U-Haul centers by the tens-of-thousands.

U-Haul only released a brief statement, saying they were "happy" to be a U.S. Government vendor and "aiding the country in it's time of need".

Rumsfeld indicated that with so many U-Haul centers around the country, it would be hard for a terrorist to know where any of the strategic targets could be.

"Hey, they won't know whether to piss or wind their watches … We didn't do this deal with our eyes closed", offered the secretary.

Rumsfeld declined comment, citing it as classified, that, reportedly, Halliburton is a sub-vendor on the U-Haul contract and will be responsible for moving the property of the closed bases to their U-Haul locations.


Bush Furious Over Newsweek's Koran Misquote
"Madder than when he couldn't get intel the way he wanted" Say Staff

The White House yesterday, along with a band of other conservatives, angrily demanded that Newsweek retract its' story about American guards at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, abusing and desecrating the Koran only hours before Newsweek did extactly that.

Newsweek Editor, Mark Whitaker apologized for the short article in the May 9 issue of Newsweek. Whitaker expressed doubts about information a "senior Penatagon official" had provided. The magazine did not identify the government official and Whitaker also offered his regrets over the loss of life linked to the report.

Throughout the day, White House, State Department officials, as well as other critics assailed Newsweek and the report as "appalling" and "unfounded"

Such priority was given to this that the State Department called back to Washington, Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes, from her world-wide Tupperware campaign, her first assignment in lifting the image of the United States aboard (See The Garlic, Tuesday 29 March - Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort)

Reports say, along with being a close, longtime aide to the President, Hughes was assigned to come up with a special Tupperware container for the Koran, one that would meet the appoval of Muslims.

There are some conflicting reports as to the President's and the White House's actions.

One person inside the White House indicated that, once again, President Bush was off, riding his bicycle and unaware of the furor building over the Newsweek article. It was said it was "hours" before the President was briefed.

Others are saying the President was "madder than not being able to get an intelligence report on Saddam Hussian and the WMD's to say what he wanted it to say".

"Man, on that day, he was off-the-walls … Screaming at everyone … Running down the halls in the West Wing, clutching reams of paper, demanding to know who wrote this, or who wrote that and why couldn't he get anyone to say, unequivocally, that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq", said one White House staffer.

"The Vice President was chasing him, panting for air …Telling the President not to worry about it .. That it would be fixed … We thought he was going to have another heart attack"

Reportedly, the President was livid when briefed on the Newsweek article and immediately called Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, ordering Gonzales to shut down Newsweek for violating the Patriot Act.

When advised that wasn't the best action to take, the President angrily ordered the reporters for Newsweek, Michael Isikoff, and John Barry, to be taken in custody and placed in Special Rendition before aides talked the President down.

For a few minutes, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was confused and ready to go into the briefing room. McClellan had mixed up papers and was readying to condemn Mexican President Vincente Fox for '"flushing a Koran down the toilet".

Just moments before he took the podium, other staffers took him aside, and after a heated conversation, McClellan addressed the media and demanded that Newsweek retract the article.

Said one longtime watcher of Washington and White House politics;

"It remains to be seen if they were upset over offending the Muslims and that it was a heinous act, or, if the fuss is over they got caught again".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways PBS Chief Ken Tomlinson Plans On Making PBS More "Right"

10. Replace Tavis Smiley with Mexican President Vincente Fox

9. Masterpiece Theatre becomes Masterpiece Justice Sundays Theatre

8. Not everyone into white wine and brie; How about a few, beer-drinking, whole-hog cooking shows for a change

7. Sign up Newt Gingrich and Anne Coulter to co-host the Tucker Carlson Show and in bow-tie as well

6. Nothing wrong with having some Christian music shows on NPR

5. Expand hunting season and place bounty for that gay-loving, lesbian-hugging rabbit, Buster

4. Kill NPR's All Things Considered and replace with 'Only Right-Wing, Conservative, Christian Things Considered'

3. Let the Bush Administration rewrite ombudsman's reports to the way they like it - they have the experience

2. New cartoon series - Patriot Act for Kids!

1. Two words for Bill Moyer - Special Rendition

Monday 16 May 2005

Jacko Bombshell!
Jackson Offers Embattled West To Be Mayor of Neverland

Needs Experienced Help; 4-Year Contract, Regardless of Either Trial's Outcome

There, seemingly, is never a dull moment in the trial of Michael Jackson.

Jackson, and a team of his lawyers, public relations and other staff, called a news conference yesterday in which Jackson announced he was reaching out to embattled, conservative Republican Spokane (WA) Mayor, Jim West, to take the post of being the first Mayor of Neverland.

The post would be for four-years and is open for the taking by West, regardless of the outcome of Jackson's current trial, or, potential legal actions pending against West. The position is more-or-less ceremonial and administrative and would have no legal bearing in Santa Barbara County or State of California

"We need a man of experience here at Neverland", Jackson stated softly. "As many of you know, during this unfair and most specious trial, allegations of come out that I just let children, the dear, sweet children, as well as some adults, run away crazy in Neverland. Mayor West can offer his experience and guiding hand.

West, the former sheriff's deputy and powerful Republican state senator, is currently on a leave-of-absence, following a Spokesman-Review newspaper series, starting on May 4th, detailing West's visits to gay internet chat rooms and, allegedly offering City Hall internship and various gifts to young boys.

West, 54, is also facing allegations that he had molested two boys in the 1970s when he was a sheriff's deputy and Boy Scout leader. West has denied the accusations, which he claims were made by convicted felons.

Last Thursday, Washington State Attorney General Rob McKenna indicated that the state will defer to the FBI for the initial investigation as to the accusations of West using his office to seek sexual favors from other men. West, a conservative Republican and longtime gay-rights opponent became mayor in January 2004.

West could not be reached for comment as to taking the Mayorship of Neverland. A spokesperson for the Mayor indicated he is aware of the offer and is giving it consideration.

"I hope Mayor West takes this position" Jackson stated. "It will be so much fun to have a Mayor for Neverland, I can hardly wait".


Apple Slaps Gates With Lawsuit
New iSqueal Hotline Flooded Since Friday

Apple Computer, backing up its' word on going after persons who divulge proprietary information or making defaming statements about Apple products, slapped a multi-million-dollar lawsuit on Microsoft chief Bill Gates.

This follows an avalanche of telephone calls and emails to the iSqueal Hotline Apple established, following its' court victory against three bloggers back in March (See The Garlic 10 March 2005 - Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent)

The Apple switchboard was bombarded with telephone calls to the iSqueal Hotline and the Apple website nearly crashed with the overwhelming amount of emails regarding Gates' comments disparaging Apple. Apple employees, many who worked straight through the weekend logging the complaints, scrambled to keep up with the pace of the calls and emails.

Many were rousted from bed or called in from vacations. Busloads of lawyers could be seen entering the Cupertino campus

The Associated Press, and other news outlets captured Gates in Europe last week, commenting on a range of issues, including mobile phones overtaking standalone MP3 players and that he views the raging popularity of Apple's iPod player as unsustainable.

The German daily Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, in an interview published last Thursday quoted Gates as saying;

"I don't think the success of the iPod can continue in the long term, however good Apple may be …. I think you can draw parallels here with the computer - here, too, Apple was once extremely strong with its Macintosh and graphic user interface, like with the iPod today, and then lost its position."

Gates went further with his comments.

"We used to have a little box, with earplugs and that played random music over 50-years ago - it was called a transistor radio … Apple isn't doing anything special here … It's not iRocketScience …"

An Apple executive, who asked to remain anonymous stated that "if Gates kept his comments to the generic issues of the marketplace, we probably wouldn’t be taking action. His use of the term "iRocketScience" gets into a proprietary area and we have to respond to that"

Gates, through a Microsoft spokesperson offered a response.

"Since I haven't seen the iSuit, I will have to wait before making any iComments".

Top Ten Cloves: What Condoleezza Rice Told Muslims About The Koran To Calm Their Fears and Anger

10. Major League Baseball mandating reading of Koran to those caught using steroids

9. Searching Koran to see if anything in it to keep 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on television

8. U.S. Military will now issue prayer mats to all MP's so they can join in readings

7. Brittney Spears and husband reading Koran, plan on raising baby as Muslim

6. President Bush planning July 4th fireworks in Capital with a 'Koran' theme

5. Cessna that buzzed Washington DC was dropping Korans, by the thousands, to enlighten people

4. Runaway bride was reading Koran on the Greyhound Bus and thinking about converting

3. Though can't give names, Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force started each meeting with reading from the Koran

2. Wendy's giving out copies of the Koran with the free milkshakes this past weekend

1. Alabama Judge Roy Moore going to put up giant stone Koran next to his giant stone Ten Commandments