Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Oscars Last Evening

News Item: 'Departed' Arrives; Whitaker, Mirren Are King and Queen

10. I guess they ran short on time ... They were supposed to have a montage of movie people who shaved their heads this year

9. What's up with Quincy Jones? Is he wearing Captain Kangaroo's jacket tonight?

8. Jeez, I'd like to slip behind that white screen and ask the the Pilobolus Dance Theatre to act out fast forwarding this show

7. They should have, just as a gag, had Ralph Nader give Al Gore his Oscar

6. Now that he's finally won an Oscar, I'll bet Scorsese is hoping for just as long a losing streak in the Dead Pool

5. Boy, I'd love to listen to President Bush walking into a Blockbuster and trying to rent the film 'Pan's Labyrinth'

4. What's up with Reese Witherspoon? Did she have Kirk Douglas's chin surgical grafted to her face?

3. Forget about JetBlue, if this show goes any longer, we're going to need an Audience Bill of Rights

2. With Ellen DeGeneres hosting, Melissa Etheridge winning, Bill Donohue must be having fits

1. I heard a lot of winners are going to immediately sell their Oscars on eBay and give the money to Obama














Inventing the Internet, thousands of dollars ... Losing Supreme Court decision over the 2000 Presidency, millions of dollars ... Winning an Oscar - Priceless!

Cue Fox Promo "If You Don't Laugh, That Must Mean You're Aiding The Terrorists" ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Well, we had our first, de facto, runaway poll since launching The Garlic Weekly Poll, with an overwhelming 60% of the voters believing the Fox News Network already had comedy programs on-air with Hannity and O'Reilly.

The much-heralded debut last week of Roger Ailes' idea of humor, saw Fox launch the '1/2 Hour News Hour'. Seeing the words "Roger Ailes", Fox" and "humor" in the same sentence should tell you more than you need to know, and, if not, the program also had a "skit" featuring (gag) Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter as Prez and VP.

'Crooks and Liar's' unfurled the headline "Conservative Comedy Show: So bad it’s hilarious" ... Tom Schales in 'The Washington Post" asked "Thus the question "Can the right laugh at itself?" is neither addressed nor answered" ... And Troy Paterson in 'Slate' positioned the effort with "The mind strains to conceive of political humor that might be less humorous—or, ultimately, less political. Hannity and Colmes trying "Who's on First"? Dennis Kucinich taking sledgehammer in hand to try Gallagher's act? Jimmy Fallon attempting a Thurmond-length filibuster?"

No need to set your TIVO's for the next airing, this baby jumped the shark even before the pixels in your viewing screen lit up.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 19 - February 24, 2007

Fox News Network has launched a "comedy" show, '1/2 Hour News Hour'. Reviews have, generally, been poor, it has canned laughter, not a live audience and the material is weak. So ...

1. I thought Fox News already had comedy programs on, with Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly Tally 60%

2. I won't watch it. I'd rather become a real estate salesperson in Baghdad than sit through a Fox News comedy program Tally 25%

3. I'll watch, but only if Roger Ailes and Ruppert Murdoch perform skits in drag Tally 12%

4. I plan on becoming a regular watcher. The mainstream media doesn't make fun of the Democrats and Liberals enough Tally 3%

This week’s Poll - Vice President Dick Cheney's recent attacks against Nancy Pelosi and John Murtha, that their strategies will "validate Al-Qaeda", were remarkable in that ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote


Thankfully, the Garlic poll voters rejected seeing Roger Ailes in drag.

Drop the comedy and stick to touting the RNC's talking points there, big guy

Blair and Cheney Sing A Duet: 'Blair, It's Not So Bad Out There'

Well, we have the occasion today of our Singing Vice President, joined by his buddy across the pond, Tony Blair, to provide the soundtrack for what had to be a riveting telephone conversation (or, better, a video conference, so Cheney could glow his glare through the wires) on Blair announcing he's getting off at the next stop of the Cheney-Bush Iraq Express

And what better tune to have them perform, but the classic, "Baby, It's Cold Outside", which The Garlic has turned into "Blair, It's Not So Bad Out There".

Sing along as you can.

Blair, It's Not So Bad Out There

I really can't stay - Blair, it's not so bad out there
I've got to go away - Blair, it's not bad out there
This occupation has been - Been hoping that you'd drop more bombs
So very nice - Hold your ground, keep rolling the dice


My Labour Party will start to worry - Blair, what's your hurry
My parliament will be pacing the floor - Listen to those airplanes roar
So really I'd better scurry - Blair, please don't hurry
Well, maybe just a half a surge more - Put some music on while I pour


The coalition might think - Blair, it's not so bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No surrender to be had out there
I wish I knew what I know now - Your eyes are clearer now
To break this spell - I'll take your word, your army looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if we move them closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What the heck, do it on the snide
I really can't stay - Blair, don't hold out
Ahh, but it's so bad out there


C'mon Blair

I simply must go - Blair, it's not so bad out there
The answer is no - Ooh Blair, it not so bad out there
This quaqmire has been - I'm lucky that you joined in
So nice and warm -- Look out to Baghdad at that storm
My Queen will be suspicious - Man, democracy looks so delicious
My Genereals will be there at the door - Waves of surges will soar
My British public is vicious - Gosh you need to be ambitious
Well maybe just a half a surge more - Never such a blitz before


I've got to get the boys home - Oh, Blair, don't freeze up out there
Say, lend me your phone - We'll smash you with smears out there
You've really been a liar - Your guys need you, don't be a crier
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - How many soldiers can we borrow
At least there will be plenty implied - Not if you can keep the lies in stride
I really can't stay - Get over that will you
Ahh, but it's so bad out there


Blair, it's not so bad out there

But it's not so bad out there….
It is bad out there
Cant you stay awhile longer Blair
Well…..I really shouldn't...alright

Make it worth your while Blair
Ahh, do that surge again….


Listen Here

Of the bevy of renditions of "Baby, It's Cold Outside", two of The Garlic Favorites are performed by Blossom Dearie and Bob Dorough, as well as Ray Charles and Betty Carter

Listen To Blossom Dearie and Bob Dorough on "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

Listen To Clip of Ray Charles and Betty Carter on "Baby, It's Cold Outside"

Bonus Links

Comedy of terror: Tony Blair, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld - you're my prize guys

Why Dick Cheney Cracked Up

The Armageddon Plan

Special Sing-Along: Dick, The Magic Vice Prez

Libby Trial Update - The Scooter and Cheney Show Theme Song

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard In The Scooter Libby Jury Room

News Item: Big Finish and Weird Moments in the Libby Trial

10. So I don't miss anything, I've got my family TIVOing all the Anna Nicole Smith stories

9. This case is about how they used classified intelligence ... Can we add charges on him for not having any personal intelligence?

8. Hey, let's really freak'em out! Let's all shave our heads before we go back into the courtroom with our verdict

7. Maybe we can recommend he gets some kind of special rehab ... Like the Ted Haggard guy

6. He's gotta be guilty... He's a grown man and he still uses a nickname like "Scooter"

5. How come Cheney wasn't on trial with him?

4. That cloud Fitzgerald referenced, is that one of those clouds that Condi Rice was talking about?

3. I wonder what Tim Hardaway thinks about Ted Wells, crying, saying he wants Libby back?

2. I just talked to you, but now I forgot what I said ...I think I also talked to Tim Russert ... I can't remember! (uproarious laughter)

1. Wouldn't it be ironic, if we convict Libby, he goes to the same jail, the same cell, as Judy Miller?



















3. I wonder what Tim Hardaway thinks about Ted Wells, crying, saying he wants Libby back?

"Unexplained Incident" Shuts Down Mount Vernon After Bush Speech

DHS, Geologists Stumped; Theories Include First President Spinning In Grave Cautiously Viewed

President's Day festivities at Mount Vernon were cut short after an unexplained incident took place after President Bush delivered a holiday speech.

Secret Service agents and officials from the Department of Homeland Security swarmed over the sprawling grounds, quickly ushering the President into his limousine and clearing the area of visitors and tourists.

Late into the evening, floodlights lit up the area, where crews set up command tents and officials could be viewed examining the ground with sophisticated equipment.

White House and DHS officials offered little comment beyond that there was "an unexplained incident" and the Secret Service, according to their policy, would not comment at all.

President Bush used the holiday speech to commemorate the 275 anniversary of President George Washington's birth, marking his first visit to as the Chief Decider to Mount Vernon. In doing so, Bush likened his own struggles with his occupation of Iraq to Washington's battles in the Revolutionary War.

"Today, we're fighting a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life," said Bush.

"And as we work to advance the cause of freedom around the world, we remember that the father of our country believed that the freedoms we secured in our revolution were not meant for Americans alone."

It was shortly after the speech that President Bush, and the First Lady were whisked away, and the grounds were cleared.

Within minutes, the area was roped off and saturated with emergency vehicles, large trucks and equipment. Briefly, military helicopters and jet fighters patrolled the skies above Mount Vernon.

One government geologist, speaking off the record, told The Garlic "we're stumped".

"The only working theory we have been able to come up with," continued the geologist, "is the unexplained phenomena of the first President spinning in his grave."

Government officials cautiously speculate that President George Washington was spinning in his grave following President Bush's speech yesterday at Mount Vernon.

"But I Really Did Want To Testify ... Really!" ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

That loud hissing sound you heard early last week was all the air being let out of our Weekly Poll.

No Dick Cheney on the stand in the Scooter Libby Trial.

No scouring, snorting Vice President looking to save the world, wage the battle, from his turn in the docket.

Our Garlic Poll Voters had the vision of where his testimony was likely headed, but we may never know what Cheney would have testified to, unless he (or his wife Lynne) writes the memoir. Or, he runs over to Brit Hume at Fox for some more batting practice.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 22 - February 17, 2007

If Vice President Dick Cheney is called to testify in the Scooter Libby Trial, Cheney is likely to ...

1. Tell Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to "go fuck" himself Tally 50%

2. Declare to Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald that Scooter Libby is in his "final throes" Tally 22%

3. Glare and bark at Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald that his questions are "out of line" Tally 17%

4. Pronounce to Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald the leaking of Valerie Plame's name to be "enormously successful" Tally 11%


This week’s Poll - Fox News Network has launched a "comedy" show, '1/2 Hour News Hour'. Reviews have, generally, been poor, it has canned laughter, not a live audience and the material is weak. So ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 18 February 2007

A missed opportunity was announced by the campaign of Senator Hillary Clinton. A spokesperson indicated that Senator Clinton was prepared to admit that her vote on the Iraq War was a mistake, but due to the rare Saturday Senate Session, she had to cancel the announcement. The spokesperson said that, due to an already overbooked schedule, Senator Clinton doesn't know when she will be able to get to it, if at all.












President Bush downplayed the removal of two moles on Friday, that turned out to be benign, saying it was little more than "Ek-A-Lec-Tic surgery"













Britney Spears announced today, in an effort to dispell all the rumors, that there was a specific reason she shaved her head.

Ms. Spears indicated that she had lost a bet with a close friend, being she was "dead sure" the E.F.P.'s (explosively formed penetrators) found in Iraq were from Syria, and and not from Iran, as President Bush and his Administration have claimed.












In a profound ironic twist, lawyers for former Aid to President Bush and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, sheepishly admitted today that they rested their defense without calling Libby to the stand because they were "completely overburdened and just forgot".












JetBlue, in an effort to stem the criticism from cancelling flights and leaving their customers stranded for days, announced that they have "TIVO'd" all the DirectTV programming they offer on their flights, so that their customers "won't miss any of their favorite programs when they begin flying again"

Apple Settles With Cisco!; Rolling Dice With New iBeckham Phone

Jobs Promises Aging Soccer Star Can Store "Billions of Photos" of Himself; New "Posh" Command Added

Sources have told The Garlic that Apple, Inc has settled its' iPhone dispute with Cisco Systems and CEO Steve Jobs will immediately announce the introduction of a new device, the iBeckham.

The "Beckham" in the name is that of soccer superstar David Beckham, who gained fame with Manchester United and Real Madrid, and recently signed to play with the Los Angeles Galaxy of the Major League Soccer here in the United States.

The two companies have been in deep negotiations, after Cisco sued Apple for copyright infringement on the name "iPhone". Cisco had acquired the rights to "iPhone" back in 2000, after purchasing the company InfoGear, who had acquired the copyright in 1996.

Jobs then angered Cisco last month, when announcing at MacWorld, the debut of Apple's "iPhone".

"The iPod changed everything in 2001. We're going to do it again with the iPhone in 2007, said Jobs"

Same Phone, New "Posh"

The iBeckham phone is, essentially, the same device as the iPhone Jobs displayed last month, with an OS X operating system, multi-touch keypad, camera and wireless-ready.

Sources say that Jobs is touting the iBeckham can store billions of photos of the aging soccer superstar, including still shots and video.

"You can TIVO a game he's in, and then download to the iBeckham and watch it as you will," said another source, who has had the iBeckham for nearly a week.

And there is one new feature, the "Posh" button.

Jobs added the Posh button in honor of the soccer stars' wife, Victoria, the former Posh Spice of the Spice Girls.

The Posh button will allow the iBeckham user to, with one touch, download all of the Spice Girls music from iTunes.

More Legal Troubles Ahead?

However, more legal trouble could lay ahead for Jobs and Apple, according to Daria Pannesi, editor of 'In The Loot', the newsletter for high tech dollar traders.

"As best as we can tell, says Pannesi, "Jobs doesn't have a deal with Beckham. There's no agreement, no contract."

"He [Jobs] may," added Pannesi, "have to backtrack and throw another name on it - again, if he wants to get the market behind him. They can't afford to be tied up in litigation any longer or the market passes them by."

iBeckham To Be A Franchise For Apple

Sources say that Jobs is aware of the legalities, and has laid out an aggressive plan that will make the iBeckham a major franchise for Apple, and win over the real life Beckham.

Apple, according to the Jobs' plan, will fund a new movie sequel, 'Bend It Like The iBeckham; The Curse of the Black Pearls In Dead Man's Chest At World's End', which will pick up from both the original Beckham film and serve as the 4th installment of Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

The storyline picks up from the original ''Bend It Like Beckham' has the decedents of Kiera Knightly and Johnny Depp attending the same U.S. college as Jess, played by Parminder Nagra, who aids the pair with finding a key piece of lost treasure that will save the world, using only her new iBeckham phone. Knightly will play duel roles, as Elizabeth Swann and Jules Paxton, with a special appearance by Martin Sheen, as Bobby Kennedy.

Those plans are already in motion, while Jobs lays the groundwork for a second-generation release iBeckham, tentatively named iBobby and shoot a sequel of the 2006 film 'Bobby', in which the iBobby phone will play a key role in solving a conspiracy.

"It's the ultimate product placement," Jobs is heard to have said.

The iBeckham will get screen credit and Apple will support a campaign for Best Supporting Actor for the iBeckham when the time comes.

"We want to make history with it," Jobs gushed.

'Bend It Like The iBeckham; The Curse of the Black Pearls In Dead Man's Chest At World's End' will be available, according to Jobs, "within in days" for downloading to the iBeckham, after the theatre release.

And like all Apple products now released, the iBeckham will be equipped with the iSqueal, the feature a user can employ to immediately report to Apple any disparaging remarks aimed at the company.

Will Jobs score a goal with the new iBeckham?

Top Ten Cloves: Things Tim Hardaway Will Do This Weekend Instead of Going To NBA All-Star Game

News Item: Hardaway Banished for Anti-Gay Remarks

10. Start lobbying his Congressman to get a non-binding resolution passed, that Congress doesn't approve of gay people in basketball

9. Pull out his boxed set of John Wayne films and, vicariously, bond with the screen icon

8. Get annoyed, when he has to defend and explain to reporters that that "UTEP Two-Step" was a basketball move

7. Badger his agent to get him an audtion to be in the Miller Beer Man Law commericals

6. Work the phone like crazy, to put together a group of investors, buy an NBA team, make sure all the players are straight and change team name to "The Homophobics"

5. Eat, very carefully, Snickers Bars

4. Start pouring through the Yellow Pages for a good Rehab clinic

3. The locker room ... The showers ... Deal with panic attacks, over the thought of how many ex-teammates might have been gay

2. Call up Vice President Dick Cheney and ask if it's okay to tell the media "you're out of line with that question" if the start bugging him

1. Get Reverend Ralph to publically say that Tim Hardaway is "Completely Heterosexual"

Will Tim Hardaway seek a "Man Law" to ban the consumption of Snickers Bars?

MSNBC Readying 24-Hour Anna Nicole Smith Channel

Cosby To Be Sole Anchor; New Packaged "Anna-Blocs" To Debut On Flagship Channel

Saying it is not simply a February Sweeps Month promotion, MSNBC President Dan Abrams hinted an announcement will be coming soon, on a new 24-Hour Anna Nicole Smith Channel that will debut as part of an expanded MSNBC network.

"This story not only has legs," said an earnest Abrams, "but it growing new legs ... It's almost endless on how long we can run with this."

With the flagship MSNBC channel devoting more-and-more air time to nearly every squeak of news that is coming out of the Ms. Smith's post-death legal hearings, and often leading into longer pieces detailing the former Playboy centerfold's life, Abrams believes the venture is both "needed, and can be profitable."

The website Think Progress noted on the day after Smith's death, MSNBC was the leader as to its' coverage

"NBC’s Nightly News devoted 14 seconds to Iraq compared to 3 minutes and 13 seconds to Anna Nicole. CNN referenced Anna Nicole 522% more frequently than it did Iraq. MSNBC was even worse — 708% more references to Anna Nicole than Iraq."

To that end, this morning, as President Bush gave a speech on the Afghanistan War at the American Enterprise Institute, that had both MSNBC rivals CNN and Fox News carrying the speech live, in it's entirety, while MSNBC broadcast a hearing in Florida over the disposition of releasing Ms. Smith's body for burial.

"This is a story that will write itself, continued Abrams. "There are hundreds of thousands of people out there that came in contact with Anna Nicole Smith and they all have stories to tell. We won't have any problem getting advertisers to support this channel."

"Given the mysterious nature of Smith's death; the "take a number" controversy surrounding who sired her baby daughter; and the bonanza of Benjamins in the balance, cable couldn't have concocted a better story," wrote Gail Shister of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Abrams defended the launching of the channel devoted only to Anna Nicole Smith.

"It's not just tabloid news we have here," sniped Abrams. "There's a pending Supreme Court decision and we also have substantial legal issues with her burial and the still-unresolved paternity issue. I think we've only seen the tip-of-the-iceberg as to potential fathers and that will only mean more court time."

The latest to step forward claiming to be father of Smith's daughter, Dannielynn is the noted, world-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.

Abrams indicated that he is considering making MSNBC Special Units reporter Rita Cosby the sole anchor of the new Anna Nicole Smith channel and that reports and in-studio interviews will be packaged for a new series of "Anna-Blocs", to compliment the on-going MSNBC series of Doc-Block programming on law and justice.

Abrams would neither confirm or deny rumors that he was courting CNN's Anderson Cooper to fill the void of MSNBC's Special Units reporting if Cosby is tapped to anchor the Anna Nicole Smith channel.

"I kinda wish we had different circumstances here," conceded Abrams.

"Instead of dying, we could have really landed the golden goose if she had simply gone missing in the Bahamas, a la Natalee Holloway ... Another white woman - this one a beautiful, wealthy celebrity - goes missing on an island ... I could retire a rich man on the back of that story ..."

Bonus Link

Anna and the Astronaut Trigger a Week of Tabloid News











Rita Cosby (left) is rumored to be tapped to anchor a new Anna Nicole Smith channel MSNBC is slated to launch

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Mitt Romney's Announcement To Run For President

News Item: Romney Joins the 2008 Race

10. Announced that his former company, Bain Capital will purchase the bus company that rival Senator John McCain is renting his "Straight Talk Express" from, confiscate the bus and rename it the "Innovation and Transformation Express"

9. Ignored questions about his youthful looks but emphatically denied he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby

8. If elected, plans on having the Olympic Theme played everytime he enters a room, instead of 'Hail To The Chief'

7. Said, if he was President, his Surge Plan would go much better because he'll have wiretapped mosques beforehand

6. Speculated that his latest position on abortion will probably hold up through the campaign

5. The grandchildren who attended the announcement kept pestering him on why he didn't have a big gavel they could play with

4. Says he understands, and is ready to face the "Is he Mormon enough" questions

3. Plans on being inclusive, and having Bill Donohoe, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, vet his bloggers

2. Assured crowd, that if you can get past the name "Mitt", there's no weirdness factor in his dossier

1. Chose the Ford Museum, mistakenly believing the funeral for former President Gerald Ford was still going on and could catch the draft from it

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Dixie Chicks Can Begin To Win Back Country Music Fans

News Item: Country radio still cold to Dixie Chicks

10. Offer to go up into Upstate New York and shovel all the snow

9. Announce next new album - All John Philips Sousa, but with a country twist

8. Natalie Maines can win over Australian country music fans, saying that she is proud that Prime Minister John Howard comes from Australia

7. Natalie Maines can win over U.S. country music fans and say that she's embarrassed that Barak Obama comes from Illinois

6. Use big Grammy win to get guest spots on '24' and have script written that they save Nashville from terrorist bombs

5. Offer to testify for Scooter Libby

4. Get Bush Administration to make new claim that Iranian-made weapons are destroying troops Country Music CD's

3. Refuse any interview requests from Wolf Blitzer

2. Write a song about her and donate the five Grammys to Anna Nicole Smith's now-orphaned daughter

1. Even though is about three-years late, announce that Maines is entering into Rehab

"Yes, Dear, I'll Play Nice With the Democrats" ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Well, considering the rhetoric coming out of the White House for most of his term, you had to be skeptical as to President Bush's appearance at the Democratic Retreat last weekend.

After all, if he was adopting "The Godfather" policy, he'd need a few hundred Air Forces One's to tote around that entourage.

So, it seems our Garlic Poll voters figured it out, that the First Lady must have sent him out the door, admonishing him to play nice - and remind him just how long the next two-years can be.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 5 - February 10, 2007

President Bush's attendance and speech at the Democratic Retreat this past weekend may be that ...

1. He was going to blow it off, but Laura made him go Tally 31%

2. He's adopting the "Godfather" policy of keeping his friends close, but his enemies closer Tally 27%

3. Heard they had a huge Super Bowl pot in the works and wanted to go and personally pick his squares Tally 22%

4. Since he's going to be asking Congress for billions more for his Iraq Occupation, getting an early jump on buttering them up Tally 20%

This week’s Poll - If Vice President Dick Cheney is called to testify in the Scooter Libby Trial, Cheney is likely to ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 11 February 2007

Actor Daniel Radcliffe said that after appearing in the stage production of 'Equus', sans clothing, that he has been lobbying author J.K. Rowling to rewrite the final Harry Potter book, with "Harry not wearing any clothes".

Said Radcliffe, "we could demonstrate, quite well, that Harry is no longer a little boy and we could generate an entire new audience to keep the series going."



















Coincidentally, former New Life Church pastor Ted Haggard, who announced last week that, after an intensive three-week program, he is now "completely heterosexual", is reported, after seeing Radcliffe's performance, to have contacted Rowling, also suggesting that she rewrite Harry Potter so that Radcliffe can appear in future Potter movies in the nude.


















Former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz said he backs President Bushs' new surge policy, and his continued threats against Iran.

Said Wolfewitz, "If you simply reuse the material we had for the build-up to invading Iraq, the run-up to war with Iran should pay for itself"















Lt. General David Petraeus frustrated lawmakers at a recent hearing , when asked how much longer he sees U.S. troops in Iraq, motioned with his hands, saying "This much"




















With the evidence, to-date, in the trial of former Assistant to the President, and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby detailing a much deeper and hands-on role by Vice President Cheney, The Garlic has obtained a photograph entered into evidence, of Cheney in the his office, on a typical work day



















Senator Barak Obama, who, yesterday announced his candidacy for president, said if people want to make his race an issue, that he would expect "fair play" and that "the other candidates be charged with not being white enough."

Obama added, that in the case of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, Richardson "would have to decide on either not being white enough, or not being Hispanic enough"

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Tim Russert Didn't Ask Scooter Libby About Joe Wilson and His Wife

News Item: Washington Journalism on Trial

10. Thinks Libby's call came in after five o'clock and, hey, that's quittin' time and I'm outta here

9. Was so excited that the chief of staff of the vice president of the United States was on the telephone, just tried to hurry Libby off the phone, so he could call "Big Russ" and tell him about it

8. Was concentrating on Libby dissing Chris Matthews, so he could get it right and start spreading office gossip

7. The little "Scoop" light on this telephone must not have been working that day

6. Got lost in thought during the Libby call, that, if he had refused to testify and got thrown in jail, would Libby write him a note and tell him that he misses seeing Russert on televison and that the "aspens are turning"

5. Can only ask tough questions, in the studio, with a big monitor superimposed behind him, displaying callers previous statements

4. Was afraid that if he asked too many questions, he'd have to face Mary Matalin the next day

3. Swore that he thought the call was from Tom Brokaw, pulling a gag on him

2. Feared Cheney might be listening in on an extension and didn't want to blow MTP bookings

1. Was totally preoccupied with getting some stubborn blue ink off of his little white board

Libby Trial Update - The Scooter and Cheney Show Theme Song

This is becoming like a huge, gigantically-oversized TIVO machine, with both electronic and human parts.

One end of town, you have the White House, and Vice President's Office, going about their business of continuing the big lie and pushing the escalation of the occupation of Iraq, while at the other end, you have the audiotapes of former Assistant to the President and Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby being played in open court, with the Scooter squirming and spilling of what was going on behind the scenes, to sell the above-referenced occupation of Iraq.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

So, we reach back to the delicious sit-com of the mid-1960's, The Patty Duke Show, to borrow their zany opening theme song and give it, as a gift, to the dynamic duo.

The Scooter and Cheney Show

Meet Scooter, who's leaked most everywhere,
From Zanzibar to You-Know-Where.
But Cheney's only seen the lights.
A Neocon can with preemptive rights
What a crazy pair!

But they're conspirators
Identical conspirators all the way.
One pair of matching liars,
Different as night and day.

Where Scooter adores his sobriquet,
The aspens turning, a literary vignette,
Our Cheney loves to Shock and Awe,
A Bunker Buster drops his jaw --
What a wild duet!

Still, they're conspirators,
Identical conspirators and you'll find,
They leak alike, they gossip alike,
At times they even lie alike

You can lose your mind,
When conspirators are two of a kind.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Reverend Ralph Verified Tim Haggard Was "Completely Heterosexual"

News Item: Haggard now "completely heterosexual"

10. Plans on getting the Miller Lite Men in the Square Room to rescind and ban that it’s it’s okay to get a massage and do crystal meth with a gay male escort

9. Has blocked and filtered straight to Junk Mail any IM's or E-Mails from MAF54 on his Blackberry

8. Keeps watching the Paris Hilton Anti-Gay and Racial Slurs Video over-and-over

7. Loved the Snickers Super Bowl Commercial; Ripped his own chest hair out while watching it

6. Watched while Haggard threw away all his "Will and Grace" videos

5. Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video

4. According to wife, "Ted's a very, very romantic guy. We love watching 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Can you imagine my big testosterone-factor husband doing that?"

3. Put him in a room, one-on-one, with Isiah Washington and Washington, not once, hurled any homophobic insults at him

2. President Bush helped; It wasn't "urges" that Haggard was seeking to act on, but he was getting the calling for "surges"

1. Haggard has new admission - He wants to have an affair with Gavin Newsom's campaign manager's wife














According to Reverend Ralph, Haggard kept making manly, lascivious comments while watching the Celtic Woman video, proving his heterosexuality

Flutie Sends "Cease-and-Desist" Letter To Media Over 'Hail Mary' References Regarding Surge

Diminutive QB Longtime Copyright Holder; "It Still Feeds My Family"; Says Open To Negotiate On Usage

Using the big bully pulpit of Super Bowl XVI, former NFL Quarterback Doug Flutie said that he has begun sending out "Cease-and-Desist" letters to the media - newspapers, magazines, television, cable, blogs and zines - regarding their usage of the term "Hail Mary Pass" in describing the Bush Administration's Iraq Occupation and escalation policies.

"It still feeds my family,' said the diminutive Flutie, a Heisman Trophy winner, who toiled for 21 seasons in professional football, first in the Canadian Football League, for eight-years, before entering into the NFL.

Flutie retired after the 2005 season, at age 43, from the New England Patriots. In the final game of the season, Flutie "dropped kicked" a field goal, the first such feat in the NFL since 1941.

Flutie is most associated with the "Hail Mary Pass" for leading a stirring comeback, in 1984

With his Boston College team trailing Miami 45-41, and only six-seconds remaining in the game, Flutie heaved his Hail Mary Pass towards the end zone. The ball sailed over a group of defenders and into the arms of BC receiver Gerald Phelan for the win.

Since that moment, the term "Hail Mary Pass" has been used frequently and often, in the context of football games and some other sporting events, but only very recently has been applied to politics.

Flutie, at a beach front press conference said that with the "explosion" of usage of the "Hail Mary Pass" phrase coming out of Washington, he had to take action.

"It's just like the music downloading," said Flutie. "If you don't own the copyright, it's not yours to use."

The term, along with the word "surge" began last month, in the days before President Bush's "New Way Forward" speech to the nation, when White House staff began leaking out portions of the President's new policy.

In a study conducted by the Project for Excellennce In Journalism, the phrase 'Hail Mary Pass" showed up in over 330 stories during the week of January 10-17. The word "Surge", according to the study, appeared in 18,118 stories, followed at a distance by
the word “escalate” or “escalation,” with 10,112 placements.

"I've seen the PEJ Study," offered Flutie, "and it was a key factor in directing my attorneys to take this action. If someone wants to make me an offer, I'll listen"

Flutie admitted that it is likely, at some point, for someone to come along and throw a better "Hail Mary Pass" but that "I want to see that done on the field, not just mouthing off in a newspaper."

"You've also been slinging around the "Hail Maliki Pass" (227 stories according to the PEJ Study) ... Now, it's up to President Maliki if he wants to join my call, but it's also pretty disingenuous to use it ... I mean, I didn't see Baghdad University ever put out a football team and I don't remember seeing President Maliki beat Miami with a last-second touchdown pass."

Flutie's Miracle in Miami

Excuse Me Congressman, That's My Lawn Chair You're Stepping On ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Okay, we may have spiked the choices last week, with the "Old White Guys Caucus", but, hey, it was too obvious - and juicy - to pass up.

As to Congressman Tancredo, what can you say? At least he didn't gush that the Black and Hispanic Caucuses were "clean and articulate".

With his buddy, Duncan "We'll-Build-A-Wall-To-Keep-Them-Out" Hunter already announcing he's running for President. already announcing he's running for President, may the Colorado representative, who's only thinking about running, is just floating out some new ideas, giving the Immigration issue to Chez Hunter.

The voters in the Garlic's Weekly Poll last week went with the Lawn Chair Militia, and they'll probably scatter into the Capital just as soon as they return from their Super Bowl patrol, with Congressman Tancredo.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll January 28 - February 3, 2007

If Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) can't, as he hopes he can, abolish race-based caucuses, he'll likely ...

1. Hire the Arizona Minuteman to sit near the Black and Hispanic Caucus Rooms in lawn chairs Tally 37%

2. Start an "Old White Guys" Caucus (not to be mistaken for the Congress itself) Tally 33%

3. Submit legislation to build a 700-mile wall around them Tally 30%


This week’s Poll - President Bush's attendance and speech at the Democratic Retreat this past weekend may be that ...

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