Tuesday 12 April 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State
DC Ignored; Puerto Rico Bumped Back To 52nd 'Unofficial' State

President Bush, and the White House, dropped a bombshell yesterday, when it was intimated that the Bush Administration is preparing legislation to make Iraq the 51st state of the USA.

Faced with mounting criticism, from Congress, the general public and internationally, and with funding battles looming, inside sources say that a troika of Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Chief of Staff Andrew Card have been building a coalition of Senators and Congressman to endorse a proclamation by the President to make Iraq the 51st state.

Bypassing a special Enabling Act, which hasn’t been ruled out by Cheney, Congress, with the coalition behind it, could pass a bill recognizing Iraq as a state.

It was reported that establishing Iraq as a territory of the United States was briefly discussed, however, that avenue presented limited options as to funneling more funds for the seeds of democracy. It was argued that the current U.S. occupation of Iraq essentially amounted to Iraq being a territory.

As a state, Iraq would be eligible for a wide variety of funding, from numerous government agencies, including the lucrative Federal Transportation Department budget. Card pointed out the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and its' capital, the City of Boston, for the billions they received, with almost unchecked usage, for it's plagued 'Big Dig' project.

The key delay in making this move has been the laborious, dragged out Iraqi January voting and vote counting, as well as the subsequent in-fighting in choosing a cabinet for the newly elected Iraqi parliament. Additionally, Cheney and Card have reportedly quarreled over whether Iraq would be a 'state' or a 'commonwealth'.

Reaction to the reports stunned House and Senate Democrats, including eight-term District of Columbia Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. The District of Columbia has been fighting for statehood since 1970.

Holmes was particularly outraged at the reported off-the-cuff dismissal by Cheney, who, at a breakfast meeting, allegedly stated; "What's their gripe? We're giving them back baseball this year .. What more do they want?"

Cheney was referring to the new Washington Nationals, Major League Baseball's return to the Capital for the first time since 1970, when the former Washington Senators closed down and the team moved to Texas to become the Texas Rangers - a team once owned by President Bush.

"If the Vice-President thinks baseball is the answer for statehood, then let's ship the team to Wyoming and we'll have DC take their place as a state".

The criticism was swift from the U.S. Territory of Puerto Rico, who has been impatiently waiting for statehood recognition from the U.S. since 1898, when the U.S. took control of the island from Spain, following the Spanish-American War.

Sila M. Calderon, the first women governor of Puerto Rico, elected in November 2000, indicated this sets back Puerto Rico efforts to become a state and fuels the opposition, the segment of Puerto Ricans who favor becoming an independent nation.

"What are they all loco up there? Puerto Rico is a very vibrant Commonwealth, that costs the United States over $10-billion-a-year to maintain as a territory. Give us the full statehood and let our economy grow, just like they did with Hawaii and Alaska … And who flies off to Alaska for a weekend, anyway?"

Numerous U.S. Presidents have primed Puerto Rico's hopes for statehood, going back to the Eisenhower administration, less for Puerto Rico's benefit and more as a launching base for the long-sought war with Cuba.

In Iraqi, newly-elected Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari offered his support for Iraqi statehood, but indicated it would be a hard sell with the new, fractious government.

Both Cheney and Rice have reportedly been pushing hard for the President to release his proclamation. By rushing Iraqi to statehood, the administration could immediately augment U.S. Forces with additional support, coming chiefly from the National Guard.

Gone would be the lazy weekend retreats, or summer vacations as, with Iraqi being a state would allow the Pentagon to reassign and relocate whole divisions of the National Guard to Iraqi as their reporting base.

World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz, former Bush Administration Deputy Defense Secretary, endorsed the Iraqi statehood program, indicating it as a perfect opportunity to expand the building of U.S. bases in the Middle East - without opposition - and position the United States to next invade Iran. Wolfowitz reportedly pledged back-channel funding for the project.

With a significant mountain of details, programs and policies to be developed, the official language of Iraqi will remain Arabic, however a substantial push will be made, starting at grade-school levels for English to be the second language.

As to the new state's economy, Chief of Staff Card is said to be leveraging his New England connections and has a commitment from Mashantucket Pequot Tribal Nation, owners of the Foxwood Resorts Casino in Connecticut, to build a gambling resort in Baghdad. Card is also soliciting other major companies to either relocate to the new state of Iraq, or to establish branch offices.

To date, it is reported that only Halliburton has signed a lease on office space in Iraq.

Many inside Washington wondered where White House Senior Adviser Karl Rove was with the Iraqi statehood push, or more to-the-point, why he wasn't out at the front of it.

White House spokesman, Scott McClennan immediately put to rest any scent of a rivalry or discord between Rove and the troika, indicating;

"…We only use Karl to rig elections".

Top Ten Cloves: How Ambassador-Nominee John Bolton Really Feels About United Nations

10. Disappointed he wasn't nominated sooner, so he could catch 'The Gates' while they were up

9. Should tear it down; Build new Jets Stadium there, as opposed to Westside

8. Thinks U.N. General Assembly might be a good enough team to challenge for the World Cup next year

7. Already has Security Resolutions written to target Senator Joe Biden as a terrorist threat and seize his assets

6. Feels U.N. Security Force weak; Couldn't break up a sorority house pillow fight

5. Confident, if they bought into Colin Powell's lies, he'll do just fine

4. Will keep criticizing U.N. until Annan cuts him in on Oil-For-Food profits

3. Plans first day on job to go over to North Korean Ambassador and kick his ass

2. Biggest challenge is get music played in headsets instead of boring translations

1. Only part of the job he will like is gets to park anywhere in New York City

Monday 11 April 2005

OJ To Outsource Hunt For Killers
Better Productivity, Cost Efficiency Cited

O.J. Simpson announced that he is outsourcing the work for the hunting of his ex-wife's killer.

In June, 1994, Nicole Simpson was found brutally murdered, along with her friend, Ron Goldman in Brentwood, Calf. Simpson was later charged with the murders and, in a media-driven frenzy, tried and found innocent, in what was deemed the 'trial of the century'. Subsequently, Simpson was convicted and found guilty in a civil trial for the murders

Simpson vowed that he would hunt down the killer or killers and clear his name.

Over the last 10+-years, Simpson has doggedly and tirelessly, searched for the killers, primarily on golf courses and in the state of Florida. Relentlessly, he has left no stone unturned and has yet to come up with any suspects or substantial leads.

In a statement, Simpson felt that now was a good time to take advantage of the growing market of outsourcing. Recently, The Gartner Group speculated that the outsourcing market will grow another 8-10% in 2005 and reaching over $134 billion in generated revenue.

Former Clinton Secretary of Labor Robert Reich hailed Simpson's choice for the outsourcing of the hunt for the killers, saying he was 'pleased to see O.J. joining the global economy'.

Simpson made the announcement to outsource the hunt for the killers following his attendance at the funeral of his lawyer, Johnnie Corcoran last week. Prior to his death, Corcoran reportedly endorsed Simpson's plan to outsource, saying, 'if you can't run the course, you must outsource'.

In a separate matter, the Menendez brothers (Lyle and Erik) have filed a suit against Simpson. The Menendez brothers were convicted of killing their parents and was secondary high-profile, media-driven case running concurrent to the O.J. Simpson trial.

In the suit, the Menendez brothers claim the Simpson stole the idea for the slow, freeway, Ford Bronco chase that preceded his arrest. The Menendez brothers indicated that this was their idea, but that they 'forget to ask Dad' for the keys to the car.


PB&J Sandwiches Temporarily Banned
Smucker Gets Injunction While Appealing Loss

Tens-of-thousands of schools, daycare centers, amusement parks, even private citizens, were issued court orders to stop serving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

This follows the emergency appeal filed by J.M. Smucker Co. after last weeks' rejection by the US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit. Smucker had sought a patent for their peanut butter and jelly pockets called Uncrustables.

Smucker's Uncrustables are, essentially, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with the crusts cut off and sealed with crimping method that Smucker's claims is unique. Smucker's purchased the crimping patent in 1995, from two North Dakota bakers.

Patent examiners and the Court of Appeals were unconvinced this was a unique process, indicating the similarity to pie crusts. Smucker was initially rejected for the crimping patent by the Board of Trademark Appeals and Interferences.

The patent office receives nearly a half-million patent applications each year and it is about 2½ years for a patent to be processed. Roughly 65 percent of all patents submitted are approved.

A Smucker's spokesperson indicated that the company "understood" that thousands of children will be deprived of one of their favorite foods but that the company "had to take a stand again activist judges and boards" and to protect the substantial investment Smucker has made in creating its' peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"They'll have to switch over to Fluffanutters, I guess", the spokesperson added.

Smucker holds no claims for peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches.

Top Ten Cloves: What Tiger Woods Was Thinking During The Masters

10. Three years without a title? … Did they know how hard I worked to lose so the field could catch up to me? …

9. I'll have to fight them to keep the giant check … I love the looks on the faces at the bank when I walk to cash it

8. Let's see … I'll just keep winning the Masters, if only, to piss off all these crackers

7. I should just tell DiMarco to give it up - It ain't gonna happen today

6. Think I'll screw with the PGA … Tell them I'm going to start my own golf association

5. I hope CBS likes the script I sent them - CSI Tiger Woods

4. Wonder if the Pope ever got to try out that tip I gave him with his 7-Iron ...

3. Think I'll wait until the 16th hole to make some really unbelievable shot that will be all over television tonight

2. I need a blue jacket … I wonder if they'll let me switch it

1. Hope Nicklaus has a Living Will. I want him around when I break his record

Friday 8 April 2005

Feng Shui Expert Warns of Pope's Final Resting
Says Space Used, Wrong Side; Can Upset Karma

Lillian Too says that Pope John Paul II will not have good Feng Shui, or a 'peaceful' final rest, based on the location of his burial.

Too, founder of World of Feng Shui (http://www.wofs.com), the first online feng shui magazine, is one of world's leading exponents of Feng Shui. An MBA graduate of the Harvard Business School, Too's experience in Feng Shui spans over 30-years.

Feng Shui has been practiced in China since the Tang Dynasty and is traced as far back as 888 A.D.

"First off", Too stated, "Is they are burying him in a used grottoe and that alone presents many obstacles for good Feng Shui".

The College of Cardinals have chosen a grottoe near St. Peter's and under a space left vacant when the tomb of Pope John XXIII was moved to the main floor of the basilica after his 2000 beatification.

"They also have him on the right side of the Basilica and this is totally inappropriate for the man. They should have him on the left, or west side, so he can face the rising sun. They should also have a three-legged toad with him, to continue bringing him good fortune".

Vatican officials were dismissive of Too, and Feng Shui.

"There is long-standing tradition and ceremony in determining a Pontiff's final burial location", offered a Vatican spokesman. "We cannot embrace another discipline and especially one that is at odds with church doctrine".

Too indicated that she has been retained by Donald Trump, who has inherited Vatican City from Pope John Paul II, as reported yesterday by The Garlic ( 7 April 2005 - Pope's Will Read; Leaves Vatican City To Trump; Plans for Casino, Trump Tower Europe HQ)



Iraq Chooses Prime Minister
Now Await Approval, Orders From Bush Team

Ibrahim al-Jaafari, a Shiite, has been appointed the historic role of being the first-elected Prime Minister of Iraq, after two-month of bitter debates. Jaafari, a doctor, is a leader of one of Iraq's major Shiite religious parties

New president, Jalal Talabani, made the announcement and swore in Jaafari after the resignation hours early of Ayad Allawi, who had been the temporary Prime Minister and will remain with the new Iraqi government until the complete cabinet is in place.

The election of Jaafari brought relief and an end to the tense negotiations, as the various political groups struggled for power following the 30 January historic vote. And the naming of Jaafari is a major victory, as Shiites represent over 60-percent of Iraqi's population and were targets of brutality of former dictator Saddam Hussein.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated that President Bush, who was in Rome for the funeral of the Pope, was advised of Jaafari's election and will confer with Vice President Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield before giving final approval.

It was President Bush who set the 30 January date for the elections, and has waited patiently for the Iraqi's to form a government so he can issue further orders.

Vice President Cheney's office issued a statement that indicated Cheney was 'pleased' and looking forward to 'setting initiatives' for the Iraqi Prime Minister.

Rumsfield also offered congratulation to Jaafari.

"Will I work with the new Prime Minister? … Sure, why wouldn't I? … The business of democracy is messy - how do I know this? … Have I based my career on building democracy? It isn't pretty and this Jaafari fellow is going to need all the help he can get".

Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes, may be the first member of the Bush Administration to meet with Jaafari. Hughes is currently touring Europe with her first initiative of bettering the image of the United States, hosting Tupperware Parties (The Garlic, 29 March - Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort) and is scheduled to be in Baghdad on April 12th.

Top Ten Cloves: How Jane Fonda Can Sell More Copies of Her New Book

10. Go on Larry King; Plant a kiss on Larry that will snap his suspenders; He'll talk about it for weeks

9. Mobilize her ex-husband, Ted Turner, to work his Time Warner connections to get favorable reviews

8. Other side of books' dust cover is a coupon for a gallon of gasoline - A $3 value in some areas

7. New line of exercise videos - Instead of weights, you use her book

6. Make claim book is just like 'The Purpose Driven Life', except it's about her … And the purpose is to sell more books

5. Hustle over to Rome and work the crowds at the Pope's funeral

4. Mobilize her Hanoi connections to beef up Asian sales

3. Kiss up to Oprah for a plug - Easy, two, three-millions copies right there

2. Drop in an interview, how it's in the book, that she was more than barefoot, and not in a park, with co-star Robert Redford

1. Two words: Barbarella Costume

Thursday 7 April 2005

Papal Shocker!
Pope's Will Read; Leaves Vatican City To Trump
Plans for Casino, Trump Tower Europe HQ

A bombshell rocked the funeral of Pope John Paul II, as his Will was read by the College of Cardinals and it was discovered that the Pope is leaving Vatican City to Donald Trump.

Reached for comment, Trump indicated that plans are in the works for a themed casino and Trump Tower Europe, which will be the headquarters for Trump's European operations.

The Mayor of Rome, Walter Veltroni, was shocked and indicated that the city may challenge the will.

The College of Cardinals declined comment and it is expected that they will wait until their upcoming conclave is completed and have the newly elected Pope decided on the appropriate course of action.

It is unclear, with leaving Vatican City to Trump, it the Catholic Church will have to relocate their operations to another part of Rome, or, perhaps, another country.

The roots of Vatican City being the home of the Papacy goes back to the 8th Century. In 1929, after signing three treaties, Italy recognized the sovereignty of the Vatican and established its' boundaries.

Trump was mum about keeping the Papacy in Vatican City but did state he will retain the Swiss Guards Corps (Corpo della Guardia Svizzera) and likely have them stationed at the entrance of the planned casino. The Swiss Guard are largely ceremonial, with the Pope's security the responsibility of the Italian government.

Vatican City is, roughly, .44-square kilometers, with 3.2-km of border (the city of Rome), and has an additional 13 buildings in Rome. There's also a Summer home for the Pope (Castel Gandolfo).

Trump stated the construction and opening of the casino, and Trump Tower Europe, should come in 2009.


Bush Snubs Carter On Pope's Funeral
Ex-Pres Bumped; Off-The-Cuff Remark Caught On Tape

There's no love lost between President George W. Bush and former President Jimmy Carter. Carter has been a harsh critic of Bush, and his administration and Bush let Carter know who's in charge now.

Bush bumped Carter from the American delegation that flew to Rome to pay its' respects to Pope John Paul II.

After speaking with reporters on the flight to Rome, and taking questions about the alleged riff with President Carter, Bush, was heard, as he walked away, saying to his Chief of Staff Andy Card;

"Besides … I don't want to be walking around, crunching peanut shells on Air Force One …"

As millions lined up in Rome, heated calls and emails flew between the White House and Carter.

After expressing his wish to attend the funeral, Carter, the first president to host Pope John Paul II, back in 1979, was advised that the delegation would be limited and no ex-presidents were included. Carter indicated he understood, only to discover hours later that former Presidents George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton would be attending with American delegation.

Word of the snub spread through Washington, with many questioning the make-up of the American delegation, which also included Card, First Lady Laura Bush, and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. There was also Congressional delegations, led by House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn.

Frist plans on meeting the with the doctors and medical staff that attended to the Pope in his final days. Frist correctly determined the Pope's condition, after watching hours of videotape, as reported by The Garlic (Monday 4 April 2005; Frist Concurs With Vatican Diagnosis; Viewed Videotape of Papal Apartment For Hours).

Carter, in an interview, stated he was disappointed and suggested to reporters to ask President Bush to show them "his Nobel Peace Prize"

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Tom DeLay and Family Were Paid For

10. Getting out of bed each morning

9. Consulting Services (wink, wink)

8. Long Distance telephone calls to vote on American Idol

7. Super Savings Package of videotape (5), used in the research for the Terri Schiavo Bill

6. Russian-English Dictionaries and translation service for his trip

5. Battery of lawyers and accountants to help him straddle congressional ethics

4. Special Research Assistants (wink, wink)

3. Special junkets to DisneyWorld during Schiavo hearings (he just loves riding Space Mountain)

2. Proof-reading campaign posters and materials

1. Tying his shoes

Wednesday 6 April 2005

Aliens Jam Arizona Border
Many Disappointed With 'Historic' Minuteman

If the United States had a fan club, Rafael Chenzo would likely be its' president.

The 19-year-old undocumented immigrant is a U.S. History buff. He is particularly interested in the Colonial period and has aspirations to visit Boston, to see all the important sites that shaped American history, the one's he has read about since he was a small child.

Chenzo was one of the tens-of-thousands who flocked to the Arizona border on Monday, not to illegally enter the United States, but to view the "historic' Minutemen. Many wanted to have their picture taken with a Minuteman; others brought tattered history text books to get autographs.

"I was very disappointed", offered Chenzo, through an interpreter. "They all looked like cowboys. Nobody was wearing blue coats, red coats … There were no muskets and no horses. They all had big cars or pick-up trucks".

The controversial army of self-appointed border guards are part of the Minutemen Project, led by Jim Gilchrest. Mainly recruited from the Internet, the Minutemen have volunteered to patrol the U.S. borders in an effort to augment the undermanned federal agencies. They choose the Arizona border due, chiefly, to Arizona's 'Open Carry' law, permitting the project member to be armed.

The U.S. Border Patrol and Arizona officials have distanced themselves from the project, saying they do not need the volunteers and fearful of potential outbreaks of violence.

Gilchrist has countered that it is within their constitutional rights to assemble and that the group is peaceful, has no plans to engage the illegal immigrants. The Minuteman patrol the border in shifts and radio the Border Patrol with coordinates if and when they discover any attempted border crossings.

It was rumored yesterday that Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, was in talks with Gilchrist. Hughes has a mandate to improve the image of the United States and was said to have received a call from Mexican President Vincente Fox to intervene in the matter.

Hughes flew in from Europe late last night, where she was beginning her International Tupperware program (The Garlic, 29 March 2005) and had no comment.

Meanwhile, Rafael Chenzo remains hopeful.

"Perhaps they can, at least, wear the three-cornered hats".



Pope Mourners Protest Fees
Claim TicketMaster Overcharging

The scores-of-thousands who are traveling to Rome, to pay respects to the late Pope John Paul II, are beginning to protest the high 'convenience fee's' charged by TicketMaster.

It's being reported that over 18,000 pilgrims, per-hour, are viewing the Pope, lying in state in St. Peter's Basilica. The Vatican had contracted TicketMaster to handle the expected crowds. While there is no-charge for the tickets, TicketMaster is charging a 'convenience fee' of 28,000 lira (roughly $20-U.S.).

The Vatican defended the ticketing policy, citing the expected surge in pilgrims, from all over the world, coming to Rome. Officials say it could reach as high as 4-million, the same size as the population of Rome. While they don't want to turn anyone away, the Vatican officials did feel the need to have a organized system for such an overwhelming crowd.

There have been unconfirmed reports that ticket scalping has been flourishing. Italian ticket brokers are using small children and the elderly to stand in line, holding a place for a ticket holder, charging as high as 300,000 lira. Other reports have the Italian Police running a scam of bringing people in to the Basilica via a side entrance and collecting a fee for such service.

TicketMaster offered no comment beyond saying that convenience fees were a standard practice. They also denied any involvement with the ticket scalping or issuing complimentary tickets to the Italian Police.

TicketMaster did confirm that the Vatican receives 10,000 lira for each ticket issued and cited again that this is standard practice with organizers and promoters.

Top Ten Cloves: How ABC Plans To Fill In For Peter Jennings

10. Work Guest Anchors into plot lines for 'Alias'

9. Ask the College of Cardinals, that while they're meeting, to bounce them a few candidates

8. Tom DeLay - Can give himself a better spin, or, at least, kill any ethic charges reports

7. Hey, Koppel's here until the end-of-the-year, let's make him sit in

6. Mark McGwire - But he can only talk about tomorrow's news

5. Keith Jackson, just to hear him intro first Iraq war piece, as "Have we got a doooozy going on here …"

4. Let's see, Martha has 49-hours, per-week … She lives about an hour away … Her ankle is off-camera, under a desk …

3. George Lopez - Get a few months of PR Hype over the non-white-guy thing

2. Jim McKay - Can still work that 'Thrill-of-Victory/Agony-of-Defeat' line with the news

1. New Spin Off Series - Desperate News Anchors

Tuesday 5 April 2005

Google Ups Ante In Email Wars
Now 2-Gig, plus Cars, Chickens and Pots

Google Inc. last week announced they will now offer two gigabytes of storage space with the Gmail service in a move, some say as one-upmanship to Yahoo, who had their own announcement of jumping up to one gigabyte for their email users.

But Google didn't stop there.

Along with the 2-Gig of space, Google is also throwing in 'a chicken in every pot' and 'a car in every garage'.

Taking a cue from both President Hoover and Oprah, Google announced a mega-deal with Purdue Chicken, Revereware and Buick, that will offer 1,000 Gmail users the opportunity to win a full-load 2005 Buick, a set of pots from Revereware and a month's supply of chicken from Purdue.

Georges Harik, director of Gmail, indicated that an across-the-media promotion for it's Gmail is planned, though, technically, Gmail is still in beta mode. For Buick, Purdue and Revereware, there will be special Ad Word placement and targeted promotions.

Winners of the loot will have the ability of using special icons with their Gmail - a car, pot or chicken - to highlight their winning status. The Buick's will come with a tablet PC, with Google the default search engine.

Yahoo spokeswoman Karen Mahon scoffed at the promotion.

"They're tying themselves to the person that lead us into the 1929 stock crash and Depression.

Mahon offered that Yahoo will soon have their own new campaign - 'Our Friend, The Email'. This is a nod to the 1950's Disney program, 'Our Friend, The Atom' and the Eisenhower Administration's exploitation of it in their push to promote atomic energy.



Washington Monument Reopened After Trim
500-Feet Chopped Off For Security Precautions

The Washington Monument was reopened to the public last Saturday, the first time since September 2004, after a $15-Million security project.

Once scaling over 555-feet tall, the new monument is now standing at 55-feet and has additional security, with vehicle barriers and a brighter lighting system.

A National Parks spokesperson indicated the chopping down of the height of the monument was necessary due to new Homeland Security rules and concerns.

Spokesman Bill Lane said that the shortened monument will only be apparent to those that actually visit it. The Parks Service will continue to sell postcards and posters depicting the old, 555-ft. monument.


Bewitched Tune Writer Dies
Third of Show To Fall From Spell Cast in 1964

Jack Keller, a Pop songwriter who wrote the theme song for "Bewitched" and other TV sitcoms died last Friday at the age of 68 in Nashville, Tenn. No cause was reported and the coroner is investigating reports of a spell cast in 1964 that may have contributed to his death.

In 1964, Bewitched debuted on American television starring Elizabeth Montgomery as Samantha, a witch, married to mortal, Darrin Stevens, played by Dick York. Legendary actress Agnes Morehead appeared as Endora, Samantha's mother.

Reports are sketchy but numerous people recount a day on the set when Endora, forever torturing Darrin for being a mortal, married to her daughter, during a break, playfully cast a spell on Montgomery, York and Keller, who happened to be standing nearby.

York ended up leaving the show in 1969, due to chronic back pain and died in 1992.

Montgomery went on with the full run of the show and appeared in movies following it before passing away in 1995.

Keller also wrote the theme for the television show Gidet, as well as hit tunes for Connie Francis and is credited as the producer of the first album by the group, also of television fame, The Monkees.

Top Ten Cloves: New Changes At CBS Evening News

10. On-Air reporters to wear baseball uniforms from city they are reporting from

9. Plan to integrate search for permanent anchor with plot of hit 'Survivor' series

8. To be 'fair-and-balanced', will use Ten Commandments' tablet as new logo

7. As temporary substitute, Bob Schieffer to anchor news from his backyard pool

6. Appealing to NCAA to run March Madness for all 12-Months of year

5. Run old footage of Walter Cronkite, but have 'King of Queens' star Kevin James dub in new voice with current news

4. At least one news item, per night, dissing Dan Rather

3. Instead of running video, will show news clips via Etch-A-Sketch

2. Will use tape of Mike Wallace snoring as new theme music

1. Hey, go with the flow - CSI CBS Evening News

Monday 4 April 2005

Special Pope Coverage

Who Gets Nod For Next Pope?
Conclave Wide Open; Third World, Koppel, Buchanan, Schwarzenegger On Short List

As the solemn pomp of the funeral of Pope John Paul II takes place this week, the Vatican is preparing for the College of Cardinals to convene soon after the funeral on Friday to begin the conclave and electing a new pope.

While speculation is high on a Third World candidate to emerge, a Vatican insider has told The Garlic that Pope John Paul II left instructions and suggestions for them to be 'far-reaching and open-minded' in their deliberations, even to "go outside".

And, in the suggestions left by John Paul II, a short list of candidates included ABC News' Ted Koppel, conservative commentator, Pat Buchanan and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The appearance of Koppel on the list fuels speculation of his recently announced retirement from ABC News at the end of this year.
It was well know that Pope John Paul II admired Koppel and often watched Koppel's 'Nightline' program while having his breakfast.
John Paul felt that Koppel would be well-suited for the new Media age of the papacy.

With Buchanan on the list, many Vatican veterans believe this is to appease the hardliners. Also, in his favor is Buchanan's experience in the Nixon White House. This is said to bolster Buchanan's chances, of working with a large administration such as the office of the Pope, and the requisite politics involved.

Governor Schwarzenegger is an old friend of the Pope John Paul II and speculation is that Schwarzenegger is mounting a behind-the-scenes effort to be considered by the conclave. He knows his chances of being allowed to run for, and be elected, for the Presidency of the United States is slim and needs something large beyond California to fulfill his ambitions. That Schwarzenegger is a native European, from Austria, works in his favor.

The Vatican did announce that they have turned down Ralph Nadar's request to be allowed to be included in the cardinal's conclave and debates.


Special Pope-Cam Gives Round-The-Clock Coverage

The electronic vigil last week, and now the coverage of the solemn events taking place this week of the death of Pope John Paul II aren't being shot with any just network pool camera. It's brought to you by the Pope-Cam.

The Pope-Cam was the brainchild of Pope John XXIII, back in October 1962. In calling for the ecumenical council to consider measures for renewal of the church in the modern world in what came be known as Vatican II. Pope John XXIII saw the medium of television as a means to be transparent and, to extend the reach of the Catholic Church.

His intentions to broadcast the council's meetings were ultimately blocked by older, hardline bishops, but the camera equipment stayed.

It got a workout in October of 1965, with the travels of Pope Paul VI, on this trip to the United States. The Pope-Cam was used to broadcast the special mass from Yankee Stadium.

With is elevation to Pope in 1978, Pope John Paul II made extensive use of the Pope-Cam with his world travels, capturing the historic moments of his visits to the Mid-East and, was there, and very instrumental in the subsequent investigation, of the assassination attempt made on John Paul II.

Since Pope John XXIII, each new pope has offered a annual blessing of the Pope-Cam and a Vatican spokesperson indicated they suspect that will continue when John Paul II's successor is named in the coming weeks.


Frist Concurs With Vatican Diagnosis
Viewed Videotape of Papal Apartment For Hours

Senator Bill Frist is batting two-for-two.

After boasting of, in his own opinion, the correct diagnosis for the late Terri Schiavo, Frist indicated on Monday that he concurred with the Vatican doctors as to the health status and treatment of Pope John Paul II

Frist stated he viewed the coverage of the Papal apartment all weekend. He watched the live coverage late last week and, had his staff Tivo all the network and cable outlets broadcasts so he could get "a full picture" of the Pope's failing health.

In a statement released from his office, Frist said;

"I sat for hours, watching the video of that Papal apartment and it was so clear to me, the Pope had kidney and cardio-vascular failure. Those two lights shining offered a great deal of information, and when they put on the third light, I knew that was trouble".

Frist, a former doctor, a heart and lung specialist, first used his unique talents in diagnosis of Terri Schiavo, from four-year-old videotape. Frist, along with House Leader Tom DeLay, led the Senate effort in drafting and passing a bill in an effort to reverse court decisions and reconnect the feeding tubes to Ms. Schiavo.

"It was good for me to have fresh videotape in this case with the Pope".

Frist went on to say in his statement that there was no need for Senate intervention with the Pope. Frist indicated that there was clear and compelling evidence that the Pope had personally stated his wishes and, that there was not a Bush family member who was elected to office within the Vatican, making it more difficult to take action, if necessary.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The Red Sox-Yankee Opener

10. If the Red Sox use another reliever, the bull pen cart is going to need a tune-up

9. Steinbrenner looks old enough to be one of the centerfield monuments

8. Mantei? … Man, I thought that was a new cocktail, or energy drink ...

7. Hey Schilling, I heard you know the real reason they call him 'The Unit'

6. Hey, Theo got carded again at the hotel bar again!

5. Okay Stottlemyre, with Zim gone, you're the designated old guy that gets thrown down if a fight breaks out tonight

4. Geez … They got that fat Irish guy singing here again this year

3. Man, I don't know what to hide it with ... Ask Giambi or Sheffield

2. Go check it out … A-Rod is still trying to talk Jeter into letting him play shortstop this year

1. I wish I didn't have to pitch … Varitek kept me up all night watching all that Pope stuff

Friday 1 April 2005

Happy April Fools Day!

Entire World Clicks Onto The Garlic Sets New Web/Blog Record

At 2:06PM yesterday, 6,426,200,025 - the entire global population - clicked onto The Garlic: All The Cloves Fit To Peel, setting a new web and blog record.

Reports indicate that just before his fever soared, the Pope was logged on to The Garlic. Villagers in Africa and Asia, with no electricity, walked scores of miles to log on to the nearest computer.

Major League Baseball cancelled Spring Training for the day, so players could visit the humor and satire blog.

In France, transit workers staged a one-day strike, so they could stay home and logged on. In Belgium, rivers of melted chocolate poured out of shops as the chocolate-makers stayed glued to The Garlic.

Doctors took Geraldo Rivera out of his medically-induced vegatative state (as first as reported by The Garlic last Tuesday, 22 March - Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop) so he could use his laptop.

In a act of profound generosity, Bill Gates shipped tens-of-thousands of fully-loaded, Wi-Fi-capable computers to Tsunami victims in Indonesia so they could get on to The Garlic.

Congress, led by majority leaders Tom DeLay and Bill Frist introduced a new bill, unanimously approved, that suspended business for the day and allowed members to rush back to their offices to log on.

Trading on Wall Street was suspended, as pits and the floor cleared off, leaving tote boards clicking numbers to nobody. The merger talks between MCI and Verizon were postponed and rescheduled for next week.

New Hewlett Packard CEO Mark Hurd had the entire HP staff visit The Garlic, as a introductory team-building exercise.

In Brasil, Rio de Janerio beaches were empty. Buenos Aires saw plazas deserted. Ships and tankers lined up in both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, idle, as Panama Canal workers abandoned their stations.

Owners of the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur had huge jumbotrons attached to the buildings and logged on to The Garlic, drawing scores-of-thousands to the streets.

Officials say that late in the evening, over 4-Billion were still logged onto The Garlic.

Top Ten Cloves: Special April Fools Headlines We'll Never See

10. Clinton-Lewinsky Set Wedding Date

9. NASA Probe Reveals Moon Landing Staged in New Mexico Desert

8. DeLay Admits Charges, Resigns From Congress

7. Famed Aviator Earhart Found Alive, Living in Milwaukee

6. On Deathbed, G, Gordon Liddy Takes Credit For JFK Assassination

5. Bonds, McGwire, Sosa Appeal To Selig To Give Back Record To Maris

4. Rove Gets 7-Year Sentence For Election Fraud Tampering

3. France Bows To EU Pressure; Official Language Now English

2. OJ Tracks Down Killers, Clears Name

1. Hoffa Autopsy Rules Death By Natural Causes

Thursday 31 March 2005

Yankee's Have More Than The Unit For Sox Opener
Tensions High As Many On Team Bringing Big Brothers For Retribution

Newly acquired ace, Randy Johnson is being handed the ball for the season opener against defending World Champions and arch rivals, the Boston Red Sox. However, there will be some other weapons available, as many Yankee players have said they are bringing to the game their big brothers, to gain some retribution from last year's loss.

One player, who declined to be identified, indicated that "my bro is going to kick some ass".

As many as 11 of the current members of the Yankee's will have an older sibling at the game, poised to take on a Red Sox. One offered that it will be his older sister ("man, she was the toughest kid on the block…").

It's unclear if the Yankee siblings will be allowed into the Yankee dugout, or if they will be sitting in the stands.

While many of the Yankees admit that they gave away the American League Championship Series, losing four-straight games. However, the war-of-words waged over the winter went to far for some. They are angry and they want to Red Sox to pay for it.

Red Sox General Manager, Theo Epstein has written to the Yankee's, indicating his concern for security.

The Yankee's have stated that they are unaware of this situation and will provide the typical security at Yankee Stadium for both a home opener and a visit from the Boston Red Sox.

Unconfirmed rumors and reports have the Red Sox suiting up local Boston boxing champ, Johnny Ruiz, in anticipation of trouble from the Yankee siblings. Another points out that some of the Red Sox will have their older brothers at Fenway Park the following week, at the Red Sox home opener against the New York Yankees

The Red Sox-Yankee rivalry is baseball's most terse and heated. During the 2004 season, in each meeting, there were high tensions, flare-ups and brawls, including a bout between two Yankee pitchers and a Red Sox groundskeeper that resulted in the two Yankee pitchers being placed under arrest.

In a related story, the New York Yankees have named Geraldo Rivera as Honorary Captain for the season opener. Rivera, as reported by The Garlic last Tuesday (22 March - Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop) is in a medically-induced vegetative state.

Media Hunts For Next Med Case
Looking For High Tensions, Legal and Rights Extras

With the latest rejection by the U.S. Supreme Court to issue an order to reinstate the feeding tube to Terri Schiavo, and her imminent death, a number of media have fanned out across the country seeking the next high-drama medical case.

Reports indicate that senior producers for Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC and CBS have been searching through hospitals, clinics and hospices for a pending death that offers intricate legal wrangling and heated political passions.

Unconfirmed reports have tabloid magazines offering substantial sums of money for an exclusive pending-death story.

"Our Ad revenue is up 27%", offered one producer who asked not to be identified. "We couldn't have dreamed up better programming. The rating are through the roof … "

Insiders say there are hundreds of producers, assistants, even interns, combing through medical records, visiting hospitals and clinics, searching for a gripping case.

"The Pope thing, that's moving too slow, and it's in another country … Johnny Cochran … He went too fast … We were hoping that Jerry Falwell didn't recover so well and stayed on the respirator. That would have been a bonanza … High-profile celebrity … Life-or-Death … It would have automatically brought in the religious right …"

Indeed, the political and religious ramifications have driven the Schiavo case, as much as, or more than the medical aspect of it, including unprecedented action by the U.S. Congress in drafting a bill specifically for Schiavo.

"Man, Falwell on a respirator … Protesters by the thousands … Having the President and Congress get into it … We're talking Emmy-material here …"

Sources say that the Fox Network, if unsuccessful in their search, will launch a 'life-or-death' Reality series next Fall.


NIST Warns Of Caution In 'Springing Forward'
Cites Annual Deaths, Injuries Climbing

The National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) issued a warning of caution in pushing our clocks ahead this Sunday to commence the start of Daylight Saving Time. Annually, over 35,000 are killed and 14,000 injured.

NIST cites the main cause of the deaths and injuries are human error and a lack-of-attention.

"Many, many of these deaths could be avoided", said Stanley Hammerstein, a NIST Information Director. "People need to pay attention to the task, it's really that simple".

Hammerstein indicated deaths and injuries have increased about 15% in the past 10-years.

"You have a wide array of things that go wrong. People are eating when they turn the clocks ahead, talking on cell phones, putting on make-up. They also choose all manner of objects - many very unsafe - to stand on to reach the clocks".

The federal law that established "daylight time" in this country does not require any area to observe daylight saving time. But if a state chooses to observe DST, it must follow the starting and ending dates set by the law which since 1986 have been the first Sunday in April to the last Sunday in October. About 70 countries around the world observe DST in some form.

Hammerstein urges people to go the NIST website (www.nist.gov), where they can view or download a pamphlet with tips on safely observing Daylight Saving Time.

Top Ten Cloves: Highlights of First Lady's Trip To Afghanistan

10. Showed First Lady poppy farm her husband used to have a stake in when he was in college

9. All Afghans wanted to know was the inside scoop on Tom DeLay and the ethics charges

8. Since most don't have driver's license, wondered if Paul Wolfiwitz will give them ATM cards when he takes World Bank job

7. Leaned on her brother-in-law and set-up a Time-Share plan between Afghanistan and Florida

6. Asked First Lady how come she doesn't have a Universal Healthcare Plan like Hillary Clinton had when she was First Lady

5. First Lady offered map and directions to where WMD's are hidden in Iraq

4. Clerics taught her how to cane and stone her daughters next time they went out partying

3. Collected hundreds of cell phone numbers of Afghans who want a 'Heads Up' next time husband bombs country

2. Showed her all the caves Osma Bin Laden hid in

1. First Lady got some real bargins on some rugs for the Crawford ranch

Wednesday 30 March 2005

White House Eyes Role For Annan

The White House yesterday, offered no criticism of U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan following the blistering report on the corrupt Oil-For-Food program and hinted that they may have a role for Annan.

Speaking for the President at the daily briefing, Press Secretary Scott McClellan responded "Hell, yes!" to a question if the Bush Administration would welcome the beleagured dipolmat.

"The President is impressed, first with his ability to conduct such a large-scale scam, and include some heavy-duty patronagism", referring to Kojo Annan, the son at the center of the scandal. "Secondly, that he can ignore his critics, and staunchily deny any wrong-doing, that's the kind of people we like to have on our team".

The investigation led by former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Volcker found no wrongdoing by Annan, but it directly faulted the secretary-general's management and oversight of the scandal-ridden oil-for-food program in Saddam Hussein's Iraq.

Annan indicated that he accepts the criticism and offered a rare invective of "Hell, no" when asked if he would step down.

"It was also impressive", offered McClellan, "how he insulated himself and deflected any direct connection. Vice President Cheney was really bowled over by that".

McClellan refused to say if the White House was offering a position to Annan, and what that position would be.

"A scoundral with that level of world experience … The possibilities are endless … I think MasterCard would say ...Priceless"



Google Acquires Urchin; Sets Up For Revenue Windfall

Google Inc. took a giant step yesterday towards, in essence, printing money, as they agreed to acquire the Urchin Software Corporation. Urchin is a ubiquitous software product that assists tens-of-thousands of companies to review and analyze their website traffic, and better understand performance, advertisements and visitor behavior.

"With taking over Urchin", offered Jonathan Rosenberg, Google's vice president for product management, "We can completely obfuscate the data to highlight the high-performance and impressive return of investment with Google Ad Words"

Insider rumors say that Google had already perfected the algorithm, but lacked the proper platform to run it. Having the Urchin access will give Google unfettered entry to scores-of-thousands of new customers. This, the insiders speculate, will turn into millions of new dollars for Google's Ad Words program.

"They'll never know what hit them" said Rosenburg "They'll come from miles around, pay their money, not knowing what they really are paying for, and be happy to do so"

Top Ten Cloves: McDonald's New Hit Rap Tunes

10. Arches Ain't Golden In My Hood!

9. Yu'b a Badunkadunk Actress wit dat Q-Lb

8. Man, yu'b 5150 fa da Mac Attack!

7. Boot Up Ron'uld, I'm Comin' Atcha

6. Bucktown Bust'a Big Mac!

5. Bumboklaat - Trillizzleon Served!

4. Beam Me Up Mickey Dee

3. Check The Cronkite and Get Down wit da Mac

2. Mickey D's Got The Blix

1. Ay Yo Trip, The Mic Be Payin' fo' My Playin'

Tuesday 29 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Easter Egg Hunt Yields Sadam's WMD's

U.S. and Coalition forces on Sunday, participating in a improvised Easter Egg hunt, stumbled upon the long-sought cache of Sadam Hussian's Weapons of Mass Destruction.

A Pentagon spokesperson indicated the division stationed on the outskirts of Baghdad, consisting of U.S and Coalition forces were relaxing, waiting for their special Easter dinner, when they decided to improvise and conduct an Easter Egg hunt. An officer hid objects found in the camp and approximately 15 soldiers went about looking to find them.

In poking under a bush, Private Bobby Douglas, of Montgomery, AL discovered a covered trap door, leading to an underground storage unit, said to be the size of a football field. Contained in the storage unit were racks of a variety of weapon systems, chemical beakers, and undisclosed artillery and ammunition crates.

Forces were still cataloging the find late into Monday afternoon.

"I'm just tickled", offered Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in a released statement. "Hunting Easter Eggs is an untidy business, it's messy. To find these WMD's is wonderful".

The United Nations Team of Inspectors admitted that they did not use 'Easter Egg Hunting' in their efforts to discover the WMD's and indicated that it would be added to their disciplines in future efforts.

As to the contest, Lt. Eddie Suater of Milwaukee, WI was the overall winner, collecting 8 of the 25 hidden Easter Egg objects. Both Suater and Douglas will be awarded medals for their efforts.

The Pentagon indicated that next Easter, they will mandate that all units stationed in Iraq conduct Easter Eggs Hunts for the purpose of finding additional WMD's.



Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort

As her first initiative in her new role as Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes will begin and extensive, broad, far-reaching Tupperware party to help lift the image of the United States.

"What better way to get to know your neighbors", beamed Ms. Hughes, in her first press conference yesterday. "They can look at how properous and healthy Americans are and that is, in part, related to Tupperware.

The traveling Tupperware party will visit 15 countries in Europe, Asia and Africa and hosted by Hughes at U.S Embassies. In addition to selling the iconic food storage containers, Hughes also will recruit Sales Representatives, in under-developed Third World countries as a economic tool for those countries to enter the world trading stage.

"Along with developing self-confidence and self-esteem, the representatives from these countries will be building an important economic platform", offered Hughes. "They can help their fellow countryman properly store their rice and grains, or other donated food items, and, at the same time, earn bonus incentives, while they build their economy".

Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice endorsed the plan, indicating "we'd rather see them with a Tupperware bowl in their hands then a blackmarket nuclear device".

Hughes is said to be in talks with Mary Kay Inc., one of the largest direct sellers of skin care and color cosmetics in the world, for a second program next year, to help enhance the image of the United States.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Your Identity Has Been Hacked

10. Rep Tom Delay levels ethics charges against you

9. Fidel Castro lavishes you with praise in one of his four-hours speeches

8. You get flowers and a giftbasket from the Fab Five, welcoming you to the show - and you're straight

7. Mark McGwire names you as another topic he won't discuss

6. FCC hits you with record fine for indecency

5. Paris Hilton bitch slaps you for giving out her private number

4. President Bush has tapped you for the World Bank post

3. Greta Van Sustren has your photo posted on her Off The Record program, with the graphic 'At Large'

2. A subpeona arrives from Congress, for your large purchases of anabolic steroids

1. U.S. Marshall's show up and slap ankle monitor on you - Martha Stewart has named you as a co-conspirator

Monday 28 March 2005

President In Late Push To Add Daylight Saving Time To SS Bill

With clocks across American poised to be pushed ahead this coming Saturday, White House staffers and key Republicans are working against that deadline this week, as they seek to add Daylight Saving Time to the President's Social Security overhaul.

First suggested by Benjamin Franklin in 1784, it was not established in U.S. law until the Act of March 19, 1918, sometimes called the Standard Time Act. The act also established daylight saving time, a contentious idea. It was repealed in 1919, restablished during World War II and in 1966, it was standardized by the The Uniform Time Act .

Under President Bush's proposal, citizens who open up a private social security savings account will automatically get the Daylight Saving Time package, which also can be started indpendently.

The holder of a Daylight Saving Time package will accumulate two-hours (Spring and Fall), per year, tax free, and can be used in any manner they wish, without government directive or any type of fees.

Rep. Tom DeLay is pushing the bill in the House, indicating he'd "love to have some of those extra hours, without any government on my back" DeLay is currently under investigation for violation of ethics.

The White is working in the Senate with Majority Leader. Sen. Bill Frist. Frist, though supporting the measure, is attempting to attach a rider, giving an unspecified amount of extra hours to Terri Shiavo immediately, believing Florida official would have to abide by the bill or face Comtempt of Congress charges.

A bi-partisian group vows to block the bill, if it doesn't carry extra hours in the account for members of Congress. Insiders say the vote will be close and it's It's unclear if the President is seeking a new bill, or will have Congress draft a new Uniform Time Act



Red Sox To Remain At Fenway For Long Term
Seeking Eminent Domain Ruling for Large Chunk of Boston

In annoucing last week that the Boston Red Sox will continue to improve their historic Fenway Park, and remain at the league's oldest ballpark for the long term, sources to The Garlic have learned that this is contingent on receiving a favorable ruling as to taking a significant chunk of the City of Boston by Eminent Domain.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have filed papers to take over the Fens, the Back Bay and about half of downtown Boston.

Charles Steinberg, the team's executive vice president of public affairs indicated that this is needed to compete in today's baseball market to "enhance the fan experience" as well as generate non-baseball revenues.

"We could go after the city and state for the infrastructure", offered Steinberg, "where we may get what we want but wouldn't have ownership of those properties. By taking these areas near Fenway Park, we can build it out as we wish and have the investment for the club for the long term".

Boston Mayor Tom Menino was stunned by the plan, as well as the news that the Red Sox have applied for trademark ownership of the 'Rolling Rallies'. Upon receiving the trademark, only the Boston Red Sox would be able to conduct Rolling Rallies and, if the are successful with their push for Eminent Domain status, they would have the right to charge fees to any party that wishes to have a parade, or rally, in sections of the city that are Red Sox-owned.

Officials of the legendary Boston Marathon have been in talks with the Red Sox, for a waiver, as the final segment of the historic road race travels through the Back Bay and ends in downtown Boston.

The Red Sox are reportedly backed by Major League Baseball, who view this as a test case. If successful, MLB may attempt this strategy in other cities to better leverage their teams visiblity.

Top Ten Cloves: Ways To Tell Spring Has Sprung

10. Martha Stewart changes the cover of her ankle monitor to bright pastels, with flowers

9. Your neighbor has been practicing his 'Yankee's Suck' chant

8. At least six Academy Award winners have already pawned their Oscars

7. You've already lost your tax refund on the office March Madness pool

6. Major League Baseball is up at Congress, testifying about steroids

5. You see your daughter on MTV, broadcasting live, a wet t-shirt contest from Spring Break in Florida

4. The Lobbyists in Washington put away their overcoats and now just carry the payoffs in their briefcases

3. Dick Cheney huddles with the Energy Commission to start planning the summer's electricity rolling blackouts

2. You need your tax refund to fill up your gas tank

1. President Bush goes into a funk; Came in 4th place in White House Lawn Easter Egg Hunt for sixth-year-in-a-row

Friday 25 March 2005

Bonds Now Denies He Ever Played Major League Baseball
Say Media Confusing Him With Another; Considers Lawsuit To Stop Harassment

San Francisco Giants star slugger Barry Bonds now claims that he has never played Major League Baseball and that the media's harassment is overlooking that they must be confusing him with another person.

This follows a testy interview on Monday, when Bonds, at first, hinted at retirement and then went into a tirade blaming the media for causing his injury and unfairly associating him with illegal steroid use. In a recent development, a former girlfriend of Bonds, Kimberly Bell of San Jose, Calif., has testified that Bonds told her, as early as 2000, that he was on steroids.

Bond is currently recoveing from a second knee operation, that will keep him for staring the season, and could, potentially, sideline him for the entire year. Bonds is chasing the homerun record of Hank Aaron and would likely, early in the campaign, surpass Babe Ruth to stand in second place.

As media approached Bonds yesterday, Bonds waived his hands, to stay away. But with cameras rolling and microphones turned on, Bonds shoke his head and started talking, to no one in particular.

"Man, you guys got the wrong person … I don't know what you're talking about - playing baseball? … I've never played baseball in my life …You got the wrong guy and, if you keep talking about me this way, I'll have to call my lawyer … Baseball, give me a break … You guy's got the wrong guy … It's not me, whoever you are talking about … Better go back and check your sources …"

Team and league officials denied comment on the reports. A lawyer from Major League Baseball's office in New York was dispatched to Scottsdale, Ariz., the site of the Giants training camp, to meet with team officials and Bonds.

An unconfirmed report indicates that after the press conference, Bonds even denied his name was Barry Bonds.


Avaya Faces Class Action Suit
Parties Charge Can't Fit Office In Autos

Misleading and deceptive advertising charges have lead to a class-action lawsuit being filed against the Avaya, Inc. The plantiffs seek for an end to the practice and unspecified damages.

Avaya Inc. designs, builds and manages communications networks for more than one million businesses worldwide, including over 90 percent of the Fortune 500, and is a world leader in secure and reliable Internet Protocol telephony systems and communications software applications and services

The case began after Joel Harrington, of Skokie, Ill. viewed the Avaya television commercial depicting a man working in his office, with a full staff, in his automobile, even warning the co-wokers of a bump in the road coming ahead.

Harrington was impressed with what he saw and immediately thought about applying the same to his small business.

After purchasing over $200,000 of Avaya products and services, Mr. Harrington soon found that he could not fit the equipment, or his staff of six in his 1998 Ford Tarus.

"We tried a number of different configurations", a beleagured Harrington stated at a news conference announcing the suit. "Just the equipment alone took up a great deal of space. Doug, our Purchasing manager was complete cramped and couldn't perform his duties".

Harrington was additionally stressed as the changes also meant the end of the carpool he and his co-workers shared. A number of the other auto's in the carpool were too small to accommodate any of the equipment and there was also the amount of time it took to transfer the equipment between the different automobiles and reset the office.

For a period of time, all of Harrington's employess used their own automobiles, and with distributing the necessary equipnment - and even purchasing additional items - they were able to conduct their business but, as Harrington stated in his suit, "it defeated the desired result, as depicted by Avaya, of a functioning, thriving business working in unison".

Harrington, through websites and chatrooms, soon discovered he was not alone. Thousands of others, who purchasd Avaya products, have had similar expereriences.

One party in San Diego, hitched a trailer to his auto to accommodate his office by was cited as being a commerical vehicle and fined. Another, a manufacturer in Richmond, VA had the additional expense of having his automobile fitted with costly filters so as to be in complaince with federal and EPA standards.

Avaya, based in Basking Ridge, NJ, offered no comment, indicating they have not seen the lawsuit. As of yesterday, their Legal Department was traveling on Route 75, somewhere near Kentucky.

Top Ten Cloves: Things The Vatican Has Done To Make Good Friday Even Better

10. Plush chairs, with cup holders and a 3D showing of 'The Ten Commandments'

9. Church organist will play a medley of 50-Cent's music

8. Special Rafle - Win a four-year scholarship to College of Cardinals

7. Batting cages in back of churches so you can work out and still get credit for attending services

6. Low Carb Communion Waffers

5. Matching services - Will pair you up with a fugitive and a copy of 'The Purpose-Driven Life'

4. Instead of a sip, will give you a glass of wine you can take back to your seat

3. One-day amnesity on purchasing 'The DiVinci Code'

2. Along with getting your feet washed, full pedicure services available at selected churches

1. Established 900 Number - Get a Wake Up! call from the Pope

Thursday 24 March 2005

Microsoft Signs Pope For Marketing Deal

Steve Ballmer announced today the Microsoft has signed an exclusive marketing deal with Pope John Paul II to endorse Windows 2005. The promotions will be across television, print and internet

This is an unprecedented coup, for both Microsoft and The Vatican.

"We noticed", offered Ballmer, "that since he was released from the hospital, the Pope's appearances have been, almost exclusively, seen from a window … We happen to have a product called Windows, so we reached out. Bill and I took a trip to the Vatican to talk directly with the Pope, and his staff".

What those talks yielded was an undisclosed fee, rumored to be in the millions, for the Pope to endorse Windows 2005. Packaging will include a photo of the Pope, in a Microsoft window, and print ads are being developed using his image, with the tag line "Powered by The Pope".

A special edition of Windows 2005 will be marketed, with special religious bookmarks prepackaged into the browser and an autographed copy by the Pope will be put to auction on eBay, with Microsoft and the Vatican splitting the proceeds.

Ballmer dismissed that the move was related to appeasing the European Union, who recently ruled against Microsoft in their anti-trust suit. Ballmer also stated that the rights to using the Pope are Microsoft's only, and not extended to any of their partners or OEM's.

This was bad news for Intel Corporation, who, upon hearing of the deal, rushed a new campaign out of 'Intel - And The Pope - Inside'.

McGwire Shifts, Softens Stand; Will Speak

Following his embarrassing appearance before the Congressional panel looking into the steroid scandal in Major League Baseball last week, Mark McGwire, who refused to answer questions, indicated he has changed his position and will offer some information.

As he repeated over-and-over during the hearings that "I will not speak about the past", McGwire indicated yesterday during a press conference, he's ready to talk about events that occurred on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Saturdays - whether in the past or present.

"I've come to realize that I was not as forthcoming as I could have been, and that, I, perhaps, misunderstood some of the instructions given to by my council".

When asked if his lawyers "over-coached" him, McGwire responded; "I will not speak about the past". Asked if that meant his lawyers coached him on days other than Tuesday, Wednesday or Saturday, McGwire repeated the phrase.

Another questioner asked McGwire what he would talk about, that did occur on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Saturday.

"Anything … What I had for breakfast … Whatever game we played those days … There's really nothing I won't talk about related to my activities on Tuesday's, Wednesday's or Saturday's"

"Did you take steroids"

"I will not talk about my past", again offered McGwire.

A spokesman for McGwire, who refused to identify himself, indicated that talks are on-going between McGwire and his lawyers to add Monday's as an area he will discuss.


Stadium Deal Falls; Jets New Home To Be In PA.

With democrats lining up against him over the West Side Stadium project, Mayor Michael Bloomberg intimated that the deal was broken and the New York Jets will go with an alternate plan, that will have build and play in Scranton, PA.

The West Side Stadium, a pet project of the Republican mayor, Michael R. Bloomberg, has come under constant criticism, for using city and state funds for private concerns. It was to be an ambitious project, that included spending on a vast amount of infrastructure and expanding the Javits Center.

The Mayor would only comment that he was "disappointed" and hopes that he can build back the momentum for the project.

"I'd like to be remembered for something more than just 'The Gates"

A Jet's team official indicated the team would have no comment at this time and offered that they would retain the name of the New York Jets while based in Scranton.

Top Ten Cloves: Other People Florida Gov. Jeb Bush Wants To Take Into Protective Custody

10. Robert Blake - No special reason other than the Governor really loves those old Our Gang pictures

9. Donny Duetsch - Somebody's got to get him off television

8. Tucker Carlson - He'll feel more comfortable in his bow ties with the state's older population

7. Lil' Kim - Will let her out of jail for Spring Break performances

6. Rep. Tom DeLay - Favor for his brother, just until the ethic charges thing dies down

5. Pope John Paul II - Pope can sit in a Florida window, which will help ailing state tourism

4. Martha Stewart - Won't make her wear the ankle monitor; Can get some of those great cranberry-orange muffins she makes

3. Dan Rather - Will house him at Cape Canaveral and have him explain the frequency to NASA scientists

2. Siegfried and Roy - They switch from tigers to alligators; Roy gets attacked by alligator, which will help ailing state tourism

1. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles - Already has special bill; No problem giving her title, Queen of Florida

Wednesday 23 March 2005

Castro Shocker
Offers Parties to Drop Case; He'll Take Schiavo and Send Elian Back

Cuban leader Fidel Castro injected himself into the Terri Schiavo case early this morning, offering, that if all parties dropped their law suits, he would send 12-year-old Elian Gonzalez back to Florida.

Shortly after the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals, in a 2-1 vote, rejected the latest claim by the Schindler's, Terri's parents, to resume the feeding of their brain-damaged daughter, Castro called Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice with his offer.

A young, five-year-old Elian was the focus of a bitter court battle soon after he rescued by American fisherman after he was found floating on an inner tube on Thanksgiving moring in 1999. Backed by anti-Castro Cuban-Americans, a fight was taken up to the Supreme Court, who refused the case, after a lower court ordered young Elian to be returned to his father in Cuba in the summer of 2000.

In a statement, speaking through an interpreter, Castro indicated he didn't "trust the American courts" and that he would "allow the woman to die with dignity"

Breaking into English, Castro continued.

"These courts, they are not for the people … They don't hold the people's interest in their hearts. Look at my little nino, Elian. If the situation was reversed, I would have ordered my courts to keep the boy in America. I would look at the better quality of life, food, the schools … Everything, except his baseball, would be better … They were loco to send him back …"

With the President, the Congress, the Justice Department involved in the Schiavo case, the State Deparment now reluctantly joins in. Officials scrambled this morning, in Washington and Florida, as news of the Castro offer leaked.

Thousands of anti-Castro Cuban Americans flocked to Atlanta, to the Appeals Court, already overcrowded with protesters, calling for the court to take up Castro's offer. Another throng of Cuban Americans streamed into Tampa, and to the hospice where Terri Schiavo is cared for, offering to assist in getting her to Cuba.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush called for his state legislature to review the Castro offer and is said to be in close contact with the State Department.

The State Department refused comment on Castro's statements and offer, with senior officials meeting with Congressional members and White House staff.

Senate Whip, Senator Bill Frist issued a statement, indicating that Congress could possibly issue a new bill, if it included broader elements that Cuba would take additional patients in vegatative states.



A New Twist; Queen Takes Out Living Will

Just as the news broke that, by law, Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become Queen, when her husband, Prince Charles, takes the throne as King, Queen Elizabeth announced that she has taken out a Living Will and directs that she be kept alive by any and all means.

The Department for Constitutional Affairs confirmed on Monday that legislation would be needed for Camilla not to become Queen automatically on Charles's succession. Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles have previously announced Camilla would be known as the Duchess of Cornwall after her marriage and intends to take the title Princess Consort when Charles becomes King.

Any attempts to change the rules would be extremely difficult. It would require not only a new law in Britain, but also legislative changes in 15 nations where the British monarch is head of state.

All that may be a moot point with the Queen's making a Living Will.

A palace spokesperson indicated that the Queen was "riveted" by the Terri Schiavo case in the United States, and, after conferrng with her staff, and with Prime Minister Tony Blair, the Queen decided it would be best for England that she have a Living Will, so Britons would not have to go through what was happening in the United States.

Prince Charles and Mrs. Parker Bowles had no comment on the news of the Living Will. Their wedding is scheduled to take place on April 8th.

Top Ten Cloves: If CEO's, World Leader's Could Wear Pajamas To Work

10. Bernie Ebbers: Black-and-White Stripes

9. Jeff Bezos: Hasn't reached the point yet where he can wear pajamas to work

8. Summer Redstone: One-piece, red flannel, with trap door

7. Donald Rumsfeld - Just skivee's, or the one's with tanks and helicopters on them

6. Larry Ellison: Long, flowing white robe, with staff

5. Kirstie Alley - All the left over fabric from The Gates

4. Dick Cheney - Something like the Electric Cowboy, that light up - courtesy of his buddies on the Energy Commission

3. Martha Stewart - Kind'a got used to the orange jumpsuit she wore in prison

2. Steve Jobs - Won't say until next MacWorld Keynote; Will sue if anyone reveals it before then

1. Tony Blair - Whichever one's President Bush lays out for him

Geraldo Rivera To Go Under For Investigative Report, Schiavo Scoop

Undergoes Induced Vegatative State, To Be Doctor Monitored, To Get To Heart of Schiavo Story

As the world awaits a Florida Judge's decision, following extraordinary Congressional intervention, Fox News announced yesterday that it's star reporter, Geraldo Rivera, will be medically induced into a vegatative state, for a series of special reports on the Terri Schiavo case.

"I will be completely safe", offered Rivera at a news conference. "We have a team of doctors, all very certified and qualified, that will put me under, monitor me and, if necessary, administer life-saving measures to me" … This is what journalism is all about".

Rivera, who joined FOX News in November 2001 as a war correspondent, has a long career history, as by his critics, of over-the-top antics in his reporting, said he just wants to get to the heart of the matter for the benefit of his viewers.

"This is a very emotional case, no matter what side of the issue you are on", said Rivera. "We had unprecidented action by our Congress …It's brother verus brother, versus mother, versus father … It's ripping the country apart".

"By allowing me to feel what Terri must be feeling. I can, perhaps, help put it all into perspective … Will I know I am helpless? Will I have a will to survive? Will I be crying out, through my blank stare? … My involuntary, reflex movements? … How can I tell them I want to live? Who will hear my cries?"

The project, supported by both Ruppert Murdoch and Peter Chernin, president and COO of News Corp, will be a special, aired on Fox, in May, over the course of three nights. Every element of the procedures to induce Rivera into a vegatative state, the time he spends essentially comatose, the tests that will be conducted on him, will all be filmed.

A team of doctors, who were not identified, will oversee all medical procedures and testing. Fox plans on making the data gathered in the project available to reseachers.

Chernin indicated that this is a go project, regardless how the Florida Judge rules, or any additional Congressional or legal action that takes place.

The surprise announcement caught many of the other networks off-guard. NBC rushed a statement out saying they plan on having anchor Brian Williams begin doing stand-up's from actual hospital rooms in America. Peter Jennings will have a film crew with him for a routine check-up, which Jennings will sit down with his doctor to discuss a living will. ABC News will carry this a titled segment series for one week, probably in late April.

CBS and CNN indicated that plans were being made and they would have statements at a later date.

Rivera also received some extra reassurance.

Majority Leader, Rep. Tom DeLay indicated that if anything goes wrong, "we'll have another all-night session and bang out the Gerry Rivera Bill",


Rumsfeld Waivers On Japanese Sub Found

Intimates Country Invaded by North Korea

The wreckage of a large Japanese submarine found last week by researchers in waters off Hawaii is said to be of World War II vintage, but Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wasn't convinced and has launched an investigation.

In an extended press conference yesterday, Rumsfeld offered that there has been "chatter" recently from Pyongyang and that he "wouldn't put anything past the North Koreans".

"We know they were here for September-eleventh and there's been a steady rise in intelligence and chatter coming from
Pyongyang … Pak-man (North Korean Prime Minister Pak Pong Ju) doesn't like us - we know-he knows-we-know-it and this just has his fingerprints all over it"

A research team from the University of Hawaii discovered the huge submarine, said to be of the 400 Sensuikan Toku class of subs.
At a height of 40-feet tall, and capable of carrying a 150-man crew, it was the largest class of subs built before the nuclear class came in the 1960's.

"Think about it", offered Rumsfeld, "They have Al-Qaeda cells embedded all over their country, they're walking away from the nuclear talks and they know we have a whole bunch of new people here … Condi, John, the whole bunch … March Madness is going on here …All that coma girl controversy … What better time to try a strike against us? … If I were a tyrannical dictator … if had a deep, deep hatred of the United States … if I was in bed with some of the nastiest terrorist on this planet, I might think about it (invading the U.S.) …"

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan indicated only that President Bush was reviewing all the information and would have no comment until that process was completed.

A spokesperson for the University of Hawaii released a brief statement that read, in part, "the director of the research team, as well as all team members, believe they found a World War II Japanese submarine".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Chief Justice William Rehnquist Will Be Welcomed Back To Supreme Court

10. Two words: Bar Crawl

9. Do alittle off-the-books adjustings of some laws so he can get his drugs from Canada

8. His biggest wish; Let him hold secret 'People's Court' sessions during off-hours and weekends

7. For nostalgia, rest of Justices will let him strike down the Martin Luther King holiday ruling in Arizona

6. Make sure he has a Living Will; None of them want to be sticking a tube in him

5. Justice Sandra Day O'Conner will give him a lap dance

4. To really cheer him up, they'll overturn Roe v. Wade

3. Give him the okay to wear Hawaiian shirts in-session

2. His favorite; When courts' out-of-session, blindfold him, spin him in chair and let him walk around dizzy until he falls down

1. Give him the good news - They got a bite on his Reality TV script - Fat Supreme Court Justice - from Fox

Lucas To Increase Production of Stars Wars; Liz Taylor Snubbed; No More Future For DeLorean

3D Remakes Tip of Iceburg; New Galaxies, Wars Offer Endless Plots

Just as George Lucas prepares to release, Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith, on May 19th, the final film of his multi-billion-dollar franchise, and re-release all Star Wars films in 3D, a report has surfaced that there are no plans to slow down.

Lucas will actually increase production of his Star Wars films, carrying story lines into new, parallel universes that offer endless plots and a perpetual river of movies, product spin-offs and a bevy of new ancillary items.

Since 1977 and the first Star Wars release, Lucas has sold over $3-billion worth of tickets at box offices around the world.

The report, confidentially obtained by The Garlic, show that a trilogy-per-year will begin in 2006, with a 3D-re-release targeted for three-years later. There will be no overlap on releases, as each trilogy will be a separate story line, with different chararters in different locations.

Plots will be centered around the full family lineage of main characters, such as Luke Skywalker, Darth Vadar, Obi-Wan Kenobi and others. Natalie Portman, who portrays Senator Amidala, is said to have signed a lifetime contract, so that she can age naturally on-screen.

Completely new galaxies will be created, with their stories unfolding, in paralell time to the main Star Wars story line. In some cases, descendants of the main characters will be key to these new galaxies, told in two trilogies on the 'Exploration' period, when early members of The Force fanned out in search of new worlds.

The report projects an endless stream of Star Wars movies and products, that will carry on well after Mr. Lucas's passing, perhaps extending as far as great-great-great-grandchildren.


Liz Taylor Miffed At Snub for Fat Actress Role

Movie legend Liz Taylor is said to be furious that she was not offered the starring role of 'Fat Actress', according to Hollywood insiders.

"I wrote the book on being a fat actress" Taylor barked at a recent news confernces. "How dare they cast that nobody … She should stick to doing bad television commercials …"

Taylor, known for such classics as National Velvet, Cleopatra, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, A Place In The Sun and Who's Afraid of Virgina Woolf, has worked with such stars as her former husband Richard Burton, Paul Newman, Montgomery Clift, Laurence Harvey, Spencer Tracy, Marlon Brando and countless others.

Taylor indicated, angrily, that when she first heard about the show, she immediately started putting on more weight, confident that she would get the first call for the role.

"I mean … The Kristie person - who is she? What has she done? Television? … God, she wouldn't have been an extra in any one of my hit films … She doesn't hold a stick next to me … I have bracelets that weigh more then her …"

Obituary: DeLorean Founder Dies at 80

John Z. DeLorean, founder of the DeLorean Motor Company, died Saturday after complications due to a stroke. He was 80-years-old.

DeLorean, dissatisfied with how Detroit was making automobilies, left General Motors in 1973 to achieve his dream of building his own car company. In the early 1980's, his DMC-12 model, the only one produced, captured the imagination of futuristic design with it's stainless steel body and it's door that opened up, as opposed to the traditional side-to-side.

Roughly 9,000+ were produced before the company went bankrupt. Soon after the bankruptcy of DeLorean Motor's, DeLorean was targeted by the U.S. Government for drug trafficing but was acquitted in 1984, after a highly publicized trial.

At the high point, it was a must-have item for the rich and famous. The lasting lore was cemented by the 'Back-To-The-Future' movies, starring Michael Fox and Christopher Lloyd, which featured the DMC-12.

According to his wishes, Mr. DeLorean will be buried, with a small mirror, a tightly rolled $100-bill and his stainless steel casket will have a gull-wing door.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs Your Boss Is Incompetent

10. Always putting ball-point pens in the pencil sharpner

9. You ask about the RFP; Boss goes into how much they loved Mayberry RFD

8. Refuses to use Spell Check; Says doesn't believe in voodoo

7. Thinks they are hip; Has sign on their desk - Buck Doesn't Stop Here - All You Get Is Small Change

6. You ask to be blind-copied on email; Boss chides you for making fun of the handicapped

5. You advise there's a problem with your Direct Deposit; Boss empathizes with you and confides also used fertility clinic

4. Every few months, has cast on hand from punching the timeclock

3. Holds and speaks into the receiver whenever they use the Speakerphone

2. Breaks the office scanner trying to get prank photo of their ass

1. Keeps asking you where to stick the Post-It Notes