News In Brief 26 May 2005

Mötley Crüe To Expand Lawsuit Beyond NBC

The metal band, Mötley Crüe filed suit against NBC yesterday for allegedly violating the group's free-speech rights and hampering its sales by banning it following an appearance on The Tonight Show after lead singer, Vince Neil, used an expletive on the air.

The band claims the ban was executed so NBC could gain favor with the Federal Communications Commission. The lawsuit, filed in a federal court in Los Angeles, claims NBC blocked other appearances for Mötley Crüe on NBC programs, including "Last Call With Carson Daly" and "Late Night With Conan O'Brien".

The appearances on the network were to promote the band's new double album, "Red, White & Crüe," composed primarily of previously released songs.

The band's attorneys filed a second lawsuit, a class-action suit, with over 35-million "John and Jane Does' named, charging them with not purchasing, or purchasing enough of the band's albums, tickets, or merchandises.

Mötley Crüe's lawyer, Skip Miller said that the band was prepared to "sue it's way back into the charts"

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things The Parents Television Council Doesn't Like About New Paris Hilton/Carl's Jr. Commercial

10. Neighbors who like commercial are throwing Carl's Jr. burger wrappers on their lawns

9. Have to lie to their children that it's an outtake/blooper from 'A Simple Life' program

8. Wish it was McDonald's or Burger King instead of a low-level chain like Carl's Jr. so they could get better PR

7. Envy - Nobody on the council owns a Bentley

6. Actually, they are protesting the size and nutritional value of the burger in the commercial

5. Not enough staff to protest at Carl's Jr and Hooters on the same day

4. Too many of their 10-year-olds are asking Mommy and Daddy to Tivo the commercial

3. Disappointed that Carl's Jr. won't be giving out free shakes like Wendy's did

2. They're a Freedom Fry bunch and object to the use of the song "I Love Paris"

1. When they show up to protest at Carl's Jr., crowd expects them to wash their cars

Wednesday 25 May 2005

Santorum To Back Frist On End-Of-Days Compromise
Says He'll Guarantee "Weather Storm" If That Day Comes

Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) came to the support of Senate Leader Bill Frist yesterday, in calling for an 'End-of-Days' scenario, and holding the Democrats to an extreme standard in order to conduct the "extreme measures" filibuster that is part of the Senate Compromise worked out Monday evening by 14 moderate senators, Republican and Democrat.

Santorum went further, saying he'll deliver "a weather storm" to the Democrats, "the likes that has never been seen".

Santorum, say his critics, is attempting to privatize the U.S. Weather System

On April 14, Santorum introduced Senate Bill 786, which will limit the National Weather Service to delivering severe weather forecasts, not daily local forecasts that are profit makers for commercial weather forecasters.

There are over a dozen private weather companies, including AccuWeather, that are based in Pennsylvania - Santorum's state and Santorum has received contributions from AccuWeather.

"The core mission of the National Weather Service" says Santorum, is not the five-day forecast but to prepare the public for weather emergencies. The Weather Service should not be investing resources, time and energy in providing travel forecasts for airlines or Pebble Beach or ski resorts."

Critics say that these private weather companies are taking information generated by the National Weather Service, repackaging it and selling it for a profit.

"The government should not compete in an area outside its mission where there is a private sector available," he said.

Santorum dismissed his critics and says he's just "trying to preserve jobs"

AccuWeather is the largest (325 employees) of 14 commercial weather forcasting companies in Pennsylvania.

"Let the Democrats just try something", barked Santorum "The Book of Revelations will look like a cartoon compared to what I, and AccuWeather, rains down on them".


White House Stays Course On Story Sources
Criticizes Islamic Websites For Vague Zarqawi References

Like his favorite news network, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was being "fair and balanced" as he criticized a number of Islamic news organizations and websites, who have been presenting unverified reports that Iraqi Al Qaeda leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is seriously wounded, perhaps gravely so.

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander" offered McClellan, at the daily press briefing yesterday.

"We would expect the Arab and Islamic journalists and news organizations to have sound principles in their reporting. We saw last week, the trouble and deaths that resulted from just a few lines in an American magazine. Reports like this can cause serious ramifications for a great number of our military, as well as innocent civilians".

McClellan not-so-covered reference to Newsweek's reporting of a Koran being flushed down a toilet at the Guantanamo Bay Prison Camp, and the subsequent protests and 17 deaths in Afghanistan that President Bush, and McClellan, squarely blamed Newsweek for causing has been refuted by U.S. Military commanders as well as the Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

Mr. Zarqawi, who Osama bin Laden chose to be the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq, is a Jordanian-born militant who the U.S. Military has a $25-Million bounty on his head as the "most wanted man" in Iraq.

"Any news organization, or group" continued McClellan, "that puts out information that they know to be false, or inaccurate, is not a credible organization".

News In Brief 25 May 2005

PalmOne, Palm and Shareholders Battle Over Name Change

After two spin-offs, a few years and a revolving door for executives, PalmOne Inc. announced yesterday that it is paying over $30-Million to change its name back to Palm Inc.

The company that made its name with the PalmPilot may have a roadblock as shareholders have yet to approve the move.

Until the matter is resolved, both sides have agreed to the stipulation that for media and marketing, "The Company Formerly Known As Palm" will be used, along with an abstruse, unintelligible logo.


FBI Puts Out APB For New Computer System

FBI Director Robert Mueller told a Senate Appropriations subcommittee yesterday that the FBI had designed a new electronic information management system called Sentinel, however, it will not be operational until late 2006.

The new computer system was designed to replace the failed $170 million system aimed at helping agents share information

Mueller expects more budget to be spent as agents fan out over FBI property, screening and interrogating computers, which are required to show their system information and code, upon demand. Though foul play is not suspected, the FBI does have leads and there are a number of programs, language and hardware that are considered "items of interest".

Mueller indicated that until this problem is resolved, the FBI will continue to not share information with other government agencies.

Top Ten Cloves: What President Bush Will Do To Get The Stem Cells Adopted Before They Are Discarded

10. Haliburton has more money than God, let them raise'em

9. FCC, instead of issuing fines, can make violators take stem cells to raise

8. But Condi, a lot of working woman are single mothers

7. Could be the first group to open up Private Retirement Accounts

6. Have Frist add a new Senate rule that every Senator must adopt and raise a stem cell

5. If Army recruiting levels continue to plummet, we'll draft them into military and give them a proper raising

4. Add stem cells to the White House list of gifts given to visiting heads-of-state

3. Before we put them up for adoption, Rove wants DNA test to see if they come from Red State or Blue State

2. Get 2008 Presidential voting changed to whichever candidate adopts the most stem cells becomes President

1. Take 'No Child Left Behind' funds, 'Clear Skies' funds and the stem cell kids end up with lakefront property in Alaska

Tuesday 24 May 2005

Frist Wary Of New Compromise
May Continue With Justice Sundays; Seeks 'End of Days' Commitment

Through the efforts of 14 bipartisan senators, a compromise was reached on President Bush's judicial nominees and the Senate will move forward with the vote for confirmation, avoiding both a derisive filibuster or the unprecedented changing of Senate rules, the derided 'Nuclear Option'.

However, Senate Majority Leader, Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN) is wary of the new compromise and wants a clear definition of the element around the Democrats' right to filibuster under 'extraordinary circumstances. Frist, essentially, was building his run for the presidency on this judicial nominee issue and was clearly reaching out to the conservative Christian right wing of the Republican Party.

Frist is threatening to conduct more Justice Sundays and wants an 'End of Days' guideline to what the extraordinary circumstances will be for the Democrats to invoke a filibuster over a judicial nominee.

Frist remains out on bail and is facing charges of the Patriot Act violations for his threatened use of the 'Nuclear Option (See The Garlic 11 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others).

Frist has called on Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, to assist Frist in drafting the 'extraordinary circumstances" clause of the compromise. Both men helped organize the first Justice Sunday event, which was dubbed, "The Filibuster Against People of Faith"

Frist wants an 'End of Days' scenario in place as the only definition of the 'extraordinary circumstances'. Frist, reportedly, has the backing of the While House for this harsh definition.

Senate Minority Leader, Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) was disappointed with Frist, charging him with continuing to "pander to the right" and vowed a fight over this clause of the compromise.

"He can throw all the fire and brimstone at us that he wants to" said an angry Reid. "He needs to look at the polls and what the American people are saying … The Senate is a joke right now and he's creating his own 'End of Days' scenario if he continues down this path".

It is being reported that Frist, in a symbolic gesture, flushed a copy of the compromise down a Senate toilet late last night.


Apple To Support Podcasting
Believes More Apple Dissent To Be Thwarted With New Support

At the 3rd D: All Things Digital Conference in San Diego this week, sponsored by the Wall Street Journal, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced that iTunes 4.9, the newest release of the popular music downloading application will feature integrated support for Podcasting.

Jobs was dismissive of the growing popularity of Podcasting, describing it as "Wayne's World for radio" but did remain upbeat to the phenomenon. Jobs also discussed the prospects of placing iTunes on telephones.

Intergrating Podcating with iTunes is the continuation of Apple's campaign to thwart and stamp down any dissent or negativity associated with the range of Apple's products and services (See The Garlic 10 March 2005 - Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent).

The new features for podcasting with iTunes 4.9, will have similar software to the newer iPods that are outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. Much like the iPods, the new podcasting features will send a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the podcasters with a lawsuit.

For those who upgrade to and/or download the new iTunes 4.9, and listen to a podcast on an either the iTune website or an iPod, a special button will be available that will take them directly to the iSqueal Hotline, so they can report any Apple dissent they hear being broadcast.

News In Brief 24 May 2005

F.D.A Readies Depression Device Implant

The Food and Drug Administration may soon approve a medical device for severely depressed patients, the first new option in more than a generation, though there is mounting evidence as to its' effectiveness.

The pacemaker-like device, called a vagus nerve stimulator, is a surgically implanted device, in the upper chest, and with wires are threaded into the neck, where it stimulates a nerve leading to the brain. It has been approved since 1997, for limited use and treatment and now is being readied for more widespread use.

One doctor, close to the study, indicated that while other treatments and drugs may be just as effective, the main obstacle has been that too many patients are too depressed to turn the device on.


'Star Wars' Sets New Box Office Records, But With Less Viewers

''Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" sold an estimated $108.5 million in tickets for the Friday-to-Sunday period, taking its total to $158.5 million since it opened after midnight Thursday. Its four-day haul sets a new record, surpassing the $134.3 million tally of 2003's ''The Matrix Reloaded."

While the overall revenue was on target for LucasFilms, the more detailed tracking of tickets showed that over $130-Million was spent from the same, small group of Star War devotees, who purchased tickets and sat through every screening, many in Star Wars costumes and character.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard On The First Lady's Mid-East Trip

10. Look, she's holding hands with that woman - must be to get back at her husband

9. Do you believe that - She tried to get me to open a Private Retirement Account

8. I heard she's only over here to get a deal on some rugs and afghans

7. With that Nuclear Option thing, she just wanted to be out of the country

6. Oh man, get the briefing papers out again - she keeps saying "That spy, Jackson Pollack"

5. I wonder if Tom DeLay's lobbyist is paying for this trip?

4. No Mrs. Bush, the Special Rendition cells aren't on the itinerary

3. I heard she had them fly over a DVD of the final episode of Desperate Housewives

2. They thought it was one of her jokes when she said she wanted to see the Dome of the Rock because she likes his movies

1. What time does she flush the Newsweek Magazine down the toilet?

Monday 23 May 2005

Major Media Looking At Story Sources

No More Anonymous; Only Friends and "A Guy I Know" To Be Used

White House To Offer List Of Approved Sources

Major media and news organizations, including the New York Times, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, USA Today, NBC News, and others, say they will cut back and/or eliminate the use of anonymous sources.

Following the retraction of a Newsweek article describing the abuse of a Koran at Guantanamo Bay Prison, the media has come under heavy fire on the rampant use of anonymous sources, especially from the White House. Other scandals, including CBS News's reporting on President Bush's Texas Air National Guard service during last years' presidential campaign, have run into trouble using anonymous or unverified sources.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was particularly harsh in his criticism and yesterday, joined the major media in the solution by announcing a special, approved list of sources that the media can employ.

"We have a number of sources, still under contract, that the media can quote and employ" offered McClellan.

McClellan went on to reference Jeff Gannon and Armstrong Williams as being available. Both men were widely disparaged when it was discovered that, in their roles of journalists, they were also on the payroll of the White House, to promote or position a Bush Administration policy.

McClellan, when pressed about using paid White House sources, defended the program.

"These people are professionals, who have been vetted and are under contract … It's all above-board"

Meanwhile, editors of the top news organizations are going about adopting new sources policies.

Reporters must now quote only "friends", and can use "I guy I know", when writing their articles. Family members, co-workers and "a friend-of-a-friend" may also be used. Such sources as "I heard", "on-the-grapevine" and "people are saying", will not be allowed.

The editors rejected a White House request that reporters get a photocopy of the sources driver's license or passport.

The most famous use of a anonymous source came during the Watergate Crises, when a source known as Deep Throat helped Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein expose the White House scandal and cover-up. The subsequent investigation and hearings lead to calls to impeach then-President Richard Nixon, who later became the first U.S. President to resign, in disgrace, from office.

"This administration", said one editor who is a friend of a friend, "will cut a sources throat before that ever happens again"


Study Shows College Grads "Dropping Out"

Studies Abandoned; Blogs, Podcasting and Apprentice New Goals

With tens-of-thousands of young people discarding their caps-and-gowns during the upcoming weeks, prepared to face and challenge the real world, a new study shows that an overwhelming number of college graduates have far less ambitious plans.

The Center for the American Way of Life, an obscure think tank in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, released results for a two-year study they conducted on the habits and advancement of college graduates and were somewhat surprised at the results.

"We had a good deal of cross-referenced platforms in our study" offered Thaddeus Curtis, president of the CAWL, "designed to secure the most prominent and detailed motives of the study subjects".

Curtis indicated over 15,000 recent college graduates were in the program.

The results released show a growing trend of young people abandoning further studies or entry into the job market, opting, rather to stay living at home and engaging in blogs, podcasting or applying for Donald Trump's hit show, 'The Apprentice'

Some of the results show;

87% living in their parents home or basement
63% currently writing blogs
47% currently producing podcasts
53% have sent applications to 'The Apprentice'

Curtis said that the numbers grew as the study progressed and showed a continued trend in the direction of "dropping out".

"I suppose we'll have to do a second study of reading and analyzing the blogs and podcasts to see if we can figure out what's going on".

News In Brief 23 May 2005

Madison Ave, Name Brands, Lay Claim To Sadam Undies

Hanes, Fruit-of-the-Loom and BVD, along with their ad agencies, are claiming that former Iraqi dictator, Sadam Hussian, is wearing their underpants, in the photo's released last week by The Sun newspaper in London.

All describe the alleged "telltale" signs, including stitching, waistband and vent, as being their distinct brand.

"It's unmistakable" declared a spokesperson for Hanes.

FOL announced a new campaign, showing their fruit characters carrying weapons and in army fatigues.

The U.S. Military declined comment and is continuing the investigation as to how the photographs were leaked.


Six Flags Bans Sex Offenders

Six Flags Mountain, the amusement park chain, announced last week that they are banning from their parks, registered sex offenders.

Six Flags is adding wording on the back of season passes and tickets to all 30 of its U.S. amusement parks this year stating that it reserves the right to refuse entry to anyone convicted of a sex crime.

The company stated that no other action is being taken as to drug use, alcohol abuse, Skinheads and there will be no increase in safety training of its' employees.

A spokeswoman for the Oklahoma City-based Six Flags, said the wording provides "an extra level of protection" for park visitors.


Military Puts Brakes On Haliburton

The Army Field Support Command and Awards Fee Board are investigating the Haliburton company, and it's subsidiary, Kellogg Brown & Root, for missed assignments and reports of wild and violent "partying, following the recent payment of a $72-Million bonuses for the company's work in Iraq.

The Army says deadlines for food service, continued construction and mail delivery are all late and/or missed completely.

Reports are surfacing the Haliburton and KRB employees went on a 'party binge" following the receipt of the bonuses that included copious amounts of alcohol, drugs and "uninhibited sexual play", with some of these activities occurring on U.S. Government property. It is unclear if any U.S. Military personnel took part in the wild party.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Larry King Would Have Said If He Had Testified In Michael Jackson Trial

10. Did you know that 48% of the woman who watch CNN, would rather go to bed with me, than Wolf Blitzer?

9. I have to admit, I like to have alittle Jesus Juice before I go on air

8. Juror Number 5 - What do you have to say?!

7. I appreciate it, your Honor, on letting me use my CNN mic …It has a chip in it that makes my voice sound sexier

6. Just give me a call … I can get you a copy of the network footage of his sister's halftime show ... Stuff nobody's seen!

5. What kind of question is that? Look at'em - everybody knows he's a freak

4. Who's our next caller? … Oh, sorry, what was the question again?

3. On my show, when I reference "The Donald", I'm talking about Trump - Mr. Apprentice …I have no idea what Jackson is talking about when he talks about his "Donald" …

2. I know, the suspenders make me look taller

1. Let's be real - I wouldn't let my kid sleep in the same state as him …

Friday 20 May 2005

Dem's Dig In for Filibuster; Republicans For Coup

RNC Lining Up Corporate Sponsors For 'Nuclear Option Bash'

After a fierce day of arguments, and with no compromise in sight, the tension in Washington grew tighter than a congressman's wallet on a junket, as both sides of the Senate aisle head into the weekend, preparing for the final, climatic battle over the judicial nominations.

Sources close to the scene have told The Garlic that the Democrats have rented a warehouse in Virginia, where a complete replica of the Senate Chamber has been built. Plans call for a bevy of senators to practice their filibusting skills. A banquet of food is prepared, DVD's of the Jimmy Stewart classic, 'Mr. Smith Goes To Washington' are loaded and crates of bottled water stand in a corner.

Meanwhile, it's been reported that the Republican National Committee has been soliciting Corporate Sponsors for what they are calling the 'Nuclear Option Bash'. Ballrooms have been booked and an elaborate parade is being set-up for the day after Senate Leader Bill Frist presses the proverbial button that will put in motion, what some are calling, the first coup in United States history.

Many in Washington have already received invitations that encourage them to "bring your dancing shoes and leave your morals at home."

The invitation also has a photo of Frist, with the caption "Senator and First American to successfully lead a coup of the U.S. Government''

Said one unidentified RNC worker;

"We stole two presidential elections, we own the Congress, now we take over the judiciary - and we still have a few years left."

Another said that "we going to have to get some appropriations to renovate the Senate - we won't need aisles anymore".

There's also growing whispers of, with taking over the three branches of government, Frist and the Republican Leadership will next tackle a constitutional amendment to give Bush an "unlimited" term as President.

The parade has Democrats steaming.

One Democratic operative said he has seen Macy-parade-type floats of a giant judges' gavel that moves up-and-down and another showing Frist whipping groveling Democrats. There is also a giant Jumbotron that will carry prerecorded videotaped messages from Frist.

It's being reported that the Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, and one of the organizers and speakers at the recent 'Justice Sunday', will provide a float for the parade, depicting The Resurrection, with a giant tablet marked 'Roe v. Wade' that crumbles in front of the Presidential reviewing stand.

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), who, recently, has introduced a bill to privatize the weather, indicated that he will give a special, no-fee wavier for bright sunshine on the day of the parade.

The RNC has a contingency plan to spirit Frist out of Washington as soon as he changes the Senate rules, as by triggering the 'Nuclear Option, Frist will be in violation of his bail, for his arrest last week on Patriot Act charges (See The Garlic 11 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others)

One longtime Washington observer, a Democrat, offered;

Let'em gloat now …For the want of a judge, the kingdom was lost … Their memories are short - look what happened when Nixon tried to take over the country …"

"This time, we won't let him fly off, waving …"


Frank Gorshin, Batman's Riddler, Dead At 72

Leaves Last Riddle - MD's, Undertaker Can't Find Body

Frank Gorshin, the impressionist, who came to fame with his role as the crafty Riddler on the Batman TV series in late 1960's, died on Tuesday at the age of 72. A family statement said that Gorshin '' … put up a valiant fight with lung cancer, emphysema and pneumonia."

That however is what is known. What isn't known is where Gorshin's body is.

Gorshin, reliving his famous role, left a twisted riddle in his hospital bed and doctors, family and the undertaker have yet to solve the riddle, which promises to divulge where the body is located.

Burbank (Calif.) Police have been brought in and so far, to protect the investigation, have not released the riddle.

"We are investigating this as a missing person case" a police spokesman offered.

Gorshin broke into show business as an impressionist, in New York, and did more than 40 impressions, including Al Jolson, Kirk Douglas, Bobby Darin, Dean Martin and James Cagney. From there came the movies, with roles in such films as ''Bells are Ringing'' (1960) with his idol Dean Martin and a batch of fun B-movies such as ''Hot Rod Girl'' (1956), ''Dragstrip Girl'' (1957) and ''Invasion of the Saucer Men'' (1957).

One memorable evening in Gorshin's career came with an appearance on the Ed Sullivan show - the same night the Beatles made there debut.

The role of the Riddler, with a high-pitched laugh that Gorshin created, played the villainous foil in the question mark-pocked green suit and bowler hat to Adam West's Batman in the popular television show that ran from 1966-1969.

Police have reached out to Adam West, Burt Ward, who played Robin, and others from the Batman show, to seek help with cracking the riddle.

"I know it looked easy on television", a somber West indicated in a press conference "but Frank went off script often and improvised his own riddles and we had to solve them pretty quickly".

"It seems", said West, "that the dastardly Riddler will get the last laugh after all".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Being Discussed In The Senate Compromises Over The Judicial Nominee Fight

10. If the public only knew that Bush was pushing for Judge Judy

9. Democrats need to stop snickering and murmuring "Dr. Death" whenever the Senate Majority Leader takes the floor

8. I'm bummed out … Can we pass a law that they have to keep 'Everyone Loves Raymond' on-the-air?

7. Can't we shut-off C-Span and go with "What happens in the Senate, Stays In the Senate?"

6. Is it too late to appoint a judge that will declare Michael Jackson guilty?

5. Republicans will back down completely if Democrats can guarantee that Hillary won't run in 2008

4. Anybody else in here a Born-Again Virgin? … Pumped my numbers up back home over 20-points …

3. Look, if you don't back the Senate Leader, we'll put it out the you Democrats flushed a Koran down the toilet

2. Motion to end this meeting by 7:30PM - The Apprentice Final starts at 8:00PM

1. Okay, let's work out tee times, have some lunch and then go out and give everyone the "We're still talking speech"

Thursday 19 May 2005

Google Fires Executive Chef
Caught Searching Recipes On Yahoo, MSN

The Google campus in Mountain View, Calf. was rocked yesterday when long-time Executive Chef, Charlie Ayers, was fired. Google officials would only say that "Mr. Ayers has left the company" but insiders say that he was terminated after being discovered searching for recipes on rivals Yahoo, and MSN's search engines.

Ayers, who once was the cook for the Grateful Dead, and with Google for over five-years, was said to be stunned by Google's actions. In a statement released through a friend, Ayer's said that "he always searched everywhere … It was never an issue"

Ayers said he was proud of his work at Google and never considered his work as "corporate"

In a recent interview with the San Jose Mercury News, Ayers said that ``I always wanted to provide something better than the restaurant down the street.''

Ironically, after being fired, Ayers had to wing his way to Chicago, to accept an award from Food Management Magazine for Best Menu Concept.

Ayers served over 2,000 people daily in what came to be called "Charlie's Place", and grew famous for Ayer's exotic and skilled cooking and far from a traditional corporate cafeteria. Googlers were treated to fares such as duck sausage, Israeli couscous, wood-fired pizzas and pumpkin chili.

"He was right up there", offered one Google executive, "with Larry, Serge, Eric"

One source close to Google says that, since Google went public, some tensions have surfaced and Ayers is not the first person let go because of using a competitor's program.

"They track every single search that goes on in that building" said the source. "It's almost that they can tell if you are even thinking about using a search engine not named Google".

Reportedly Ayers will soon open his own restaurant or healthy food store.

Google plans to use it's own search engine to seek out another high-quality chef



Rumsfeld Dismiss Call For Space Weapons Program

"Happens every time a new Star Wars or some other Sci-Fi film comes out"

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld dismissed the Air Force's call for a new space weapons program yesterday

"For heaven's sakes, they really come up with some doozy's, don't they".

On Tuesday, General Lance Lord, who leads the Air Force Space Command, sought out President Bush's approval of a national security directive that would have the Air Force closer to fielding offensive and defensive space weapons, according to White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan

"The President asked if it was ready yet and if it could be aimed at Newsweek" deadpanned McClellan.

Col. Lord, at a recent Congressional hearing, stated that "The Air Force believes we must establish and maintain space superiority. Simply put, it's the American way of fighting."

Air Force doctrine defines space superiority as "freedom to attack as well as freedom from attack" in space.

Rumsfeld once embraced the concept of a space weapons program.

Fresh from his appointment in 2001, Rumsfeld led a commission that recommended the military should "ensure that the president will have the option to deploy weapons in space."

Rumsfeld has since changed course, embracing a quick, flexible military force and is forging ahead with privatizing the military, as with the recently announced military base closing recommendations, and his deal with U-Haul (See The Garlic, Tuesday 17 May 2005 - Base Closings Tied To New U-Haul Self Storage Contract)

"This kind of thing happens every time a new 'Star Wars' or some other Sci-Fi film comes out" scoffed Rumsfeld. "Everyone gets all excited, running around, talking this weapon or that weapon … Really outrageous things that will cost … Billions … I mean Billions …And who knows how many years to develop, and test, and tweak and deal with all the deer-lovers and all that …

Rumsfeld's reference was to the new installment, 'Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith', due to open on Friday.

"I'm just an old-fashion, John Wayne, Smith-and-Wesson kind of guy anyway".

Top Ten Cloves: How Malcolm Glazer Will Make Manchester United and English Soccer More American

10. First order of business is to get these skinny Brits on some steroids

9. Raise the ticket prices so building of the Corporate Boxes can begin

8. Load the team up with some of the high-priced Brazilian ringers

7. Sexy Cheerleaders (Make note - bring them in from France)

6. Start a new youth program - Pint, Kick and Fight - to prepare them to be a big league English Soccer Fan

5. Oops - Don’t' forget to order a bunch of Original Whizzinators to hide the steroids

4. Lose the fish-and-chips and bring on the Jumbo Dog!

3. Three Words - Monday Night Soccer

2. Another Janet Jackson half-time show

1. Hire Gary Bettman as Commissioner so league closes down and paves way for NFL Football

Wednesday 18 May 2005

GoldenPlace.Com Issues Bonus For Flushed Koran

$100K Up For "Story-of-the-Year"; Offers To Buy Prisoner Too

GoldenPalace.Com, the on-line Canadian casino known for its outrageous promotions, issued a call last night and will pay $100,000 for the Koran at the center of the Newsweek article controversy.

A spokesperson said that it would be the "story-of-the-year to land that particular Koran" and that they'd "buy the prisoner too" if they could.

GoldenPalace.Com has released the offer in English, Spanish and Arabic.

Reports have been coming in that the Guantanamo Bay prison, where this alleged act took place, is in chaos.

Thousands of Cubans have descended around the area, digging up pipes in an effort to find the holy book. A flotilla of boats have been seen leaving Miami and heading towards Cuba, it's occupants holding picks and shovels.

Some wire services are reporting that U.S. Military staff have gone about ripping out toilets and plumbing.

GoldenPalace.Com has staff flying to Cuba, to hand out t-shirts with their name emblazoned on them for those digging to find the Koran.

"This is getting international media", offered the spokesperson. "We can't let that go by"

Over the past few years, due to the advertising restrictions placed on on-line gambling companies, GoldenPalace.Com has engaged in an aggressive marketing and promotions campaign, which as included tattooing the backs of boxers, paying a woman to name her baby GoldenPalace.Com, buying pieces of toast with images and sending a topless woman, with GoldenPlace.Com written on her chest, through a major golf tournament.

The White House was too busy lambasting Newsweek to offer comment.

With the President, Vice President, Secretary's Rice and Rumsfeld, Press Spokesman McClellan and a bevy of military brass all ganging up to badger Newsweek for printing the story, the White House Press Office released a schedule this morning of more people who will criticize Newsweek.

On tap to lay into Newsweek today are the White House Gardener and Chef, two of the First Lady's assistants, three sub-contractors from the Joint-Chief-of-Staff and six janitors.


Court Wine Decision Causes National Gridlock

Highways Jammed; Internet Slowed To Crawl With Wine Orders

An unintended consequence has developed since Monday, when the Supreme Court voted to allow the shipping of wine out-of-state as scores-of-thousands of wine drinkers have flocked to the internet to place orders.

With the wine companies poised for the ruling, they began shipping wine moments after the ruling was announced, resulting in national gridlock and the internet slowed to a crawl due to the vast number of wine orders being placed on-line.

FedEx and UPS are reporting record business, as their trucks and vans sit on blocked highways.

Reports from Route 75 in the Cincinnati area say the roads look like a "FedEx parking lot" and there is some reports of attempted hijackings.

Along Route 66 in New Mexico, the state was forced to close all public buildings, and schools, due to the gridlock.

"It's a mess", declared one state official.

Most industry observers believe the rush will soon die down, as the ruling doesn't necessarily open all the doors for the winemakers. Likely, the ruling places the issue back into the hands of state courts, where laws vary from state-to-state.

Some 15 states currently prohibit all direct-to-consumer wine shipments and in the remaining states, there is a patchwork of law around in-state and out-of-state shipping, while some states allow reciprocity, which permit direct sales only from wineries in states that in turn permit out-of-state direct shipments.

The ruling has taxed the entire system as wineries are working to full capacity to be able to make its shipments and wine drinkers are taking advantage of the situation while it lasts.

Contributing to the slowing down of the internet, is fraud.

Reports are coming in that the Nigerians scam artists have flooded the internet with pleas to "help the Prince release his wine" and promising high returns in this alleged winery.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan issued a statement saying that "as soon as we finish beating up Newsweek, we'll take a look at this wine situation".

When pressed, McClellan admitted that a number of staff in the White House have placed wine orders but denied they were contributing to the gridlock.

"The White House", McClellan stated, "has its' wine flown in".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Newsweek Says U.S. Military Uses The Koran For That Hasn't Been Published Yet

10. Armament for vehicles - Stands up well to most enemy fire (except RPG's)

9. In case field identification necessary, roughly 27 Korans stacked is same height of Osama Bin Laden

8. Coasters in Officer's Clubs; Sweat rings add to the mystique of the book

7. President Bush uses one as a doorstop in Oval Office

6. MP's tell Muslim prisoners that Michael Jackson uses Koran to seduce young boys at Neverland

5. Black Op's guys at Guantanamo have gift Koran, pages laced with poison, for Fidel Castro

4. Halliburton is making a killing selling the Koran-On-Tape in the Mid-East

3. You know, it only takes four-or-five copies to give a jeep stuck in the mud traction to get out

2. To inflict mental torture, U.S. Military gives Muslim prisoners the Gideon Koran

1. For some G.I.'s, a box of chocolates, pair of nylons and copy of the Koran covers an entire weekend

Tuesday 17 May 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Rumsfeld Rolling On with Privatizing Forces
Base Closings Tied To New U-Haul Self Storage Contract

Deal With National Vendors To Save Billions; Commissoned Officers Can Take Home Vehicles

Critics are circling Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, after his defending of his sweeping recommendations on closing 33 major bases (as well as reducing forces at 62 major bases and 775 minor installations), in light of new information that Rumsfeld and the Pentagon have signed a multi-billion-contract with the national moving and self-storage company, U-Haul.

Rumsfeld, along with Vice President Dick Cheney, has long been an advocates of privatizing the U.S. Military in an effort to streamline operations and make forces more agile and prepared.

"My goodness", mocked Rumsfeld, "You'd think I was closing down the country … Some of these bases have been around since World War I … Most of them are Cold War relics …"

"Look at it … For heaven's sake, we have all our forces, our vehicles, our strategic weapons concentrated in so few places, making it as easy as baking an apple pie for some low-life terrorist creep, to pack his beat-up Toyota with explosives and drive right up the main road in one of these bases …"

Chairman of the Base-Closing Committee, Anthony Principi, a former Veterans Affairs secretary called Rumsfeld plans ''an arduous task and assessment.''

"It will have a profound effects on the communities and people who bring them to life".

Principi, as well as others, are questioning awarding such a contract to U-Haul without any public overview or hearings, which Rumsfeld scoffed at.

"We are in a time of war and I don't have time to write every liberal prissy a note"

Rumsfeld stated that such contracts are the purview of the Pentagon and, in wartime, do not need overview.

"This actually is going to be win-win for the country … More U-Haul storage units will be built and more people will be hired to manage them … And we get a fighting force that gets to eat their mother's cooking, sleep in their own beds …Studies show they make better soldiers".

"This plan would ''help move forces and resources to where they can best provide for our nation's defense".

U-Haul is celebrating its' 60th Anniversary this year, founded after World War II by L.S. "Sam" Shoen and his wife, Anna Mary Carty Shoen in the summer of 1945. U-Haul is the industry giant with over 13,700 independent dealers and over 1,300 company-owned U-Haul centers.

U-Haul's contract with the Pentagon calls for only company-owned U-Haul centers to hold and store U.S. Military equipment and property and industry experts say it will expand U-Haul centers by the tens-of-thousands.

U-Haul only released a brief statement, saying they were "happy" to be a U.S. Government vendor and "aiding the country in it's time of need".

Rumsfeld indicated that with so many U-Haul centers around the country, it would be hard for a terrorist to know where any of the strategic targets could be.

"Hey, they won't know whether to piss or wind their watches … We didn't do this deal with our eyes closed", offered the secretary.

Rumsfeld declined comment, citing it as classified, that, reportedly, Halliburton is a sub-vendor on the U-Haul contract and will be responsible for moving the property of the closed bases to their U-Haul locations.


Bush Furious Over Newsweek's Koran Misquote
"Madder than when he couldn't get intel the way he wanted" Say Staff

The White House yesterday, along with a band of other conservatives, angrily demanded that Newsweek retract its' story about American guards at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, abusing and desecrating the Koran only hours before Newsweek did extactly that.

Newsweek Editor, Mark Whitaker apologized for the short article in the May 9 issue of Newsweek. Whitaker expressed doubts about information a "senior Penatagon official" had provided. The magazine did not identify the government official and Whitaker also offered his regrets over the loss of life linked to the report.

Throughout the day, White House, State Department officials, as well as other critics assailed Newsweek and the report as "appalling" and "unfounded"

Such priority was given to this that the State Department called back to Washington, Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy, Karen Hughes, from her world-wide Tupperware campaign, her first assignment in lifting the image of the United States aboard (See The Garlic, Tuesday 29 March - Hughes Plans International Tupperware Party For First Image Effort)

Reports say, along with being a close, longtime aide to the President, Hughes was assigned to come up with a special Tupperware container for the Koran, one that would meet the appoval of Muslims.

There are some conflicting reports as to the President's and the White House's actions.

One person inside the White House indicated that, once again, President Bush was off, riding his bicycle and unaware of the furor building over the Newsweek article. It was said it was "hours" before the President was briefed.

Others are saying the President was "madder than not being able to get an intelligence report on Saddam Hussian and the WMD's to say what he wanted it to say".

"Man, on that day, he was off-the-walls … Screaming at everyone … Running down the halls in the West Wing, clutching reams of paper, demanding to know who wrote this, or who wrote that and why couldn't he get anyone to say, unequivocally, that there were Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq", said one White House staffer.

"The Vice President was chasing him, panting for air …Telling the President not to worry about it .. That it would be fixed … We thought he was going to have another heart attack"

Reportedly, the President was livid when briefed on the Newsweek article and immediately called Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, ordering Gonzales to shut down Newsweek for violating the Patriot Act.

When advised that wasn't the best action to take, the President angrily ordered the reporters for Newsweek, Michael Isikoff, and John Barry, to be taken in custody and placed in Special Rendition before aides talked the President down.

For a few minutes, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was confused and ready to go into the briefing room. McClellan had mixed up papers and was readying to condemn Mexican President Vincente Fox for '"flushing a Koran down the toilet".

Just moments before he took the podium, other staffers took him aside, and after a heated conversation, McClellan addressed the media and demanded that Newsweek retract the article.

Said one longtime watcher of Washington and White House politics;

"It remains to be seen if they were upset over offending the Muslims and that it was a heinous act, or, if the fuss is over they got caught again".

Top Ten Cloves: Ways PBS Chief Ken Tomlinson Plans On Making PBS More "Right"

10. Replace Tavis Smiley with Mexican President Vincente Fox

9. Masterpiece Theatre becomes Masterpiece Justice Sundays Theatre

8. Not everyone into white wine and brie; How about a few, beer-drinking, whole-hog cooking shows for a change

7. Sign up Newt Gingrich and Anne Coulter to co-host the Tucker Carlson Show and in bow-tie as well

6. Nothing wrong with having some Christian music shows on NPR

5. Expand hunting season and place bounty for that gay-loving, lesbian-hugging rabbit, Buster

4. Kill NPR's All Things Considered and replace with 'Only Right-Wing, Conservative, Christian Things Considered'

3. Let the Bush Administration rewrite ombudsman's reports to the way they like it - they have the experience

2. New cartoon series - Patriot Act for Kids!

1. Two words for Bill Moyer - Special Rendition

Monday 16 May 2005

Jacko Bombshell!
Jackson Offers Embattled West To Be Mayor of Neverland

Needs Experienced Help; 4-Year Contract, Regardless of Either Trial's Outcome

There, seemingly, is never a dull moment in the trial of Michael Jackson.

Jackson, and a team of his lawyers, public relations and other staff, called a news conference yesterday in which Jackson announced he was reaching out to embattled, conservative Republican Spokane (WA) Mayor, Jim West, to take the post of being the first Mayor of Neverland.

The post would be for four-years and is open for the taking by West, regardless of the outcome of Jackson's current trial, or, potential legal actions pending against West. The position is more-or-less ceremonial and administrative and would have no legal bearing in Santa Barbara County or State of California

"We need a man of experience here at Neverland", Jackson stated softly. "As many of you know, during this unfair and most specious trial, allegations of come out that I just let children, the dear, sweet children, as well as some adults, run away crazy in Neverland. Mayor West can offer his experience and guiding hand.

West, the former sheriff's deputy and powerful Republican state senator, is currently on a leave-of-absence, following a Spokesman-Review newspaper series, starting on May 4th, detailing West's visits to gay internet chat rooms and, allegedly offering City Hall internship and various gifts to young boys.

West, 54, is also facing allegations that he had molested two boys in the 1970s when he was a sheriff's deputy and Boy Scout leader. West has denied the accusations, which he claims were made by convicted felons.

Last Thursday, Washington State Attorney General Rob McKenna indicated that the state will defer to the FBI for the initial investigation as to the accusations of West using his office to seek sexual favors from other men. West, a conservative Republican and longtime gay-rights opponent became mayor in January 2004.

West could not be reached for comment as to taking the Mayorship of Neverland. A spokesperson for the Mayor indicated he is aware of the offer and is giving it consideration.

"I hope Mayor West takes this position" Jackson stated. "It will be so much fun to have a Mayor for Neverland, I can hardly wait".


Apple Slaps Gates With Lawsuit
New iSqueal Hotline Flooded Since Friday

Apple Computer, backing up its' word on going after persons who divulge proprietary information or making defaming statements about Apple products, slapped a multi-million-dollar lawsuit on Microsoft chief Bill Gates.

This follows an avalanche of telephone calls and emails to the iSqueal Hotline Apple established, following its' court victory against three bloggers back in March (See The Garlic 10 March 2005 - Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent)

The Apple switchboard was bombarded with telephone calls to the iSqueal Hotline and the Apple website nearly crashed with the overwhelming amount of emails regarding Gates' comments disparaging Apple. Apple employees, many who worked straight through the weekend logging the complaints, scrambled to keep up with the pace of the calls and emails.

Many were rousted from bed or called in from vacations. Busloads of lawyers could be seen entering the Cupertino campus

The Associated Press, and other news outlets captured Gates in Europe last week, commenting on a range of issues, including mobile phones overtaking standalone MP3 players and that he views the raging popularity of Apple's iPod player as unsustainable.

The German daily Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, in an interview published last Thursday quoted Gates as saying;

"I don't think the success of the iPod can continue in the long term, however good Apple may be …. I think you can draw parallels here with the computer - here, too, Apple was once extremely strong with its Macintosh and graphic user interface, like with the iPod today, and then lost its position."

Gates went further with his comments.

"We used to have a little box, with earplugs and that played random music over 50-years ago - it was called a transistor radio … Apple isn't doing anything special here … It's not iRocketScience …"

An Apple executive, who asked to remain anonymous stated that "if Gates kept his comments to the generic issues of the marketplace, we probably wouldn’t be taking action. His use of the term "iRocketScience" gets into a proprietary area and we have to respond to that"

Gates, through a Microsoft spokesperson offered a response.

"Since I haven't seen the iSuit, I will have to wait before making any iComments".

Top Ten Cloves: What Condoleezza Rice Told Muslims About The Koran To Calm Their Fears and Anger

10. Major League Baseball mandating reading of Koran to those caught using steroids

9. Searching Koran to see if anything in it to keep 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on television

8. U.S. Military will now issue prayer mats to all MP's so they can join in readings

7. Brittney Spears and husband reading Koran, plan on raising baby as Muslim

6. President Bush planning July 4th fireworks in Capital with a 'Koran' theme

5. Cessna that buzzed Washington DC was dropping Korans, by the thousands, to enlighten people

4. Runaway bride was reading Koran on the Greyhound Bus and thinking about converting

3. Though can't give names, Dick Cheney's Energy Task Force started each meeting with reading from the Koran

2. Wendy's giving out copies of the Koran with the free milkshakes this past weekend

1. Alabama Judge Roy Moore going to put up giant stone Koran next to his giant stone Ten Commandments

Friday 13 May 2005

Washington Bombshell On U.N. Post
Bush Ready To Pull Bolton; Will Nominate Dave Chappelle

Senate Says They'll Vote "Up, Down and Sideways" For Comedy Central Star; Bolton Goes Ballistic

Before the extremely rare procedure of sending a presidential nominee to the floor for a vote - without a recommendation - had all the heads talking, word came out - unofficially - from the White House that President Bush is ready to pull the plug on John Bolton and will send to the hill Comedy Central's no-show star, Dave Chappelle to be the U.S. Ambassador at the United Nations.

This is a stunning setback and embarrassment - twice in one day - for the career diplomat Bolton.

When the rumor reached Bolton, who was dining at a DC restaurant, witnesses say he went 'ballistic', screaming and shouting, tipping over tables before associates could hustle him from the premises.

"He was boiling mad", offered one diner who witnessed the rampage. "He was stomping around, knocking over tables, swearing … It was pretty shocking … As they were pulling him outside, he kept saying 'that bastard Andy Card', over and over …"

In the Senate, both sides of the aisle were surprised, and skeptical, scurrying staff members to track down White House officials to verify the rumor.

The choice of Dave Chappelle, one of Comedy Central's biggest stars, caught senators off-guard.

"I haven't seen his show", admitted Senate Leader, Bill Frist. "I'll have to have them send me some videotape I can review"

Frist was out on bail, following his arrest on violation of the Patriot Act on Wednesday (See The Garlic, 10 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others),

Senator Joe Biden, a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee who voted against nominating Bolton, thought it was "a great choice".

"I watched the show all the time … Hysterical … Very funny young man … I think he'll do a great job up there".

Sen. Lincoln Chafee (R-RI), another committee member, who said his "children and grandchildren watch it" predicted the full Senate would vote "up, down and sideways" for the talented Chappelle.

What could be a problem for the White House is Chappelle's contract with Comedy Central. It has been reported the network paid as much as $50-Million to secure the 'Chappelle Show' for, at least, two additional seasons.

Comedy Central just announced last week that they are postponing the start of the show's third season, which had a May 31 broadcast date, primarily due to that Chappelle has disappeared and no one from the show knows where he is.

The magazine 'Entertainment Weekly' is reporting that Chappelle has checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa and that the show has taped a few skits but, with production stopped, they don't have enough for a full show

Sources close to the White House say that, when it appeared that Bolton was going to go down in committee, the Bush team began vetting new candidates and, in selecting Chappelle, have him in a undisclosed DC hotel and will present him to the Senate within the next few days.

Officials at Comedy Central declined comment on losing one of their stars to the United Nations. One anonymous staffer sent an email saying, in part that " … he's now fair game for the 'Daily Show' …"

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), who earlier in the day, had a "constitutional headbutt" with Senate Leader Frist, over the prospects of the showdown looming over the Bush Administrations judicial nominations was asked how he would vote on the U.N., Ambassador.

"What's that name again - David Chapel?"

Top Ten Cloves: What The Two Pilots In The Cessna Were Talking About During DC Evacuation

10. Wanna reach back there and grab me another beer …

9. I wish they'd have a television show about 'Desperate Pilots' … That's something I would watch …

8. Wow, that's a pretty big helicopter flying next to us …

7. Do you think, if Osama Bin-Laden was a child molester, he'd call it Allah Juice?

6. Did you know that my name is on the "No-Fly" list?

5. Hey, look down there, all those people running … Wonder what's going on …

4. I know the big airlines just make people take their shoes off - Why did you make me take my pants off too?

3. Now what's the lesson our student pilot learned today? … That you don't buzz the Washington Monument, right?

2. Don't worry, you can write this whole trip off - Tom DeLay does it all the time

1. No, I don't mind retiring early … Put in 32-years with United and I got me a great pension

Thursday 12 May 2005

Mineta Broadcasts Klaatu and Gort Landing For Real
Rumors and Misinformation Add to DC Panic, Hysteria Over Stray Plane

Code Red Highest Since 9/11; President Not Notified for Fear of Another Book Reading

It took well into the late night to calm the nerves and fears of Washington D.C. residents, and politicians, after a mid-day, Code Red, evacuation due to an off-course Cessna airplane straying into restricted flight space near the White House.

As the Capital Police, FBI and FAA investigated the incident, it wasn't the Black Hawk helicopter and two F-16 fighter jets that were
scrambled from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland, firing warning flares at the pilot and student pilot of the Cessna, that caused the panic, but rather the unbridled hysteria of Department of Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta.

Mineta, who got early notice of an 'unidentified aircraft' inside the restricted D.C. airspace, became panic-stricken and seized control of the Emergency Broadcast System. He was breathing rapidly and heavily, and begin shouting;

"Klaatu and Gort are coming back! … Klaatu and Gort are coming back! … Run for your lives … Klaatu and Gort are coming to destroy Earth! …"

Mineta, of course, was referencing the intergalactic characters from the classic 1951 Sci-Fi film, 'The Day The Earth Stood Still', starring Michael Rennie as 'Klaatu' and Lock Martin as the gigantic, menacing robot, Gort. The film portrays an alien landing in Washington D.C., with Klaatu telling the people of Earth that they must live peacefully or be destroyed as a danger to other planets.

Sources in the Transportation Department, and the Pentagon, tell of Mineta running down corridors, screaming and shouting, even confronting Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, imploring him to "launch the missiles". Other witness say Mineta was wrestling with Rumsfeld, trying to pry away from Rumsfeld, his briefcase.

At the height of the incident, the White House was evacuated, forcing Vice President Cheney to his secret bunker, and First Lady Laura Bush, and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan, in town for a benefit, to a safe location in the White House.

The Capital and the Supreme Court were also emptied, with the judges being led into a nearby underground garage.

President Bush, who was off in Maryland, riding his bicycle, was not notified of the incident until nearly an hour after the 'all-clear, was signaled. No extra security precautions were taken and White House officials defended not notifying Bush

"If we had notified the President", offered White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, "he would have, mostly likely, had the Secret Service rush him to the nearest grade school, so he could do another book reading during a time of crisis …There just wasn't enough time to conduct the logistics and security checks for something like that".

As to Mineta, McClellan indicate that he was taken to the hospital and is resting, comfortably.

Upon arriving back at the White House, and with reporters shouting questions about the days' incidents, including Mineta's apparent meltdown, President Bush waved and shouted back;

"I'm going to watch the movie tonight .. It sounds like a good one …"


Conservatives To Fete DeLay Tonight
Last Chance For Favors In Case House Leader Censured or Expelled

The American Conservative Union will be throwing a bash this evening, honoring the outstanding lack of ethics of House Leader, Representative Tom DeLay (R-TX).

Nearly 1,000 attendees are expected at the $250-per-plate soiree at the Capital Hilton with all proceeds going directly to DeLay.

Though currently under arrest for volition of the Patriot Act (See The Garlic, 10 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others), Senate Leader, Bill Frist (R-TN) will deliver a testimonial to DeLay via videotape. Lobbyist Jack Abramoff is expected to give DeLay a gold-plated Cadillac, with diamond bullhorns mounted on the hood.

Numerous House and Senate Republicans are planning to attend, including DeLay's deputy, House Majority Whip Roy Blunt (R-WY), along with the hierarchy of the Republican National Committee.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney were not invited, but will be attending their own, private celebration of their victory in Appeals Court of not having to divulge the names of their Energy Meeting advisors. Reportedly, the energy executive are treating the President and Vice President with a raucous party, under the theme of 'Lighting Up The House'.

Ironically, it is foreign trips arranged and paid for by Abramoff that DeLay took that has lead to a battery of ethics charges against DeLay. Abramoff is facing his own federal grand jury investigation, related to his payoffs and for swindling an Indian tribe seeking to build a casino.

The Senate Indian Affairs Committee is also looking into Abramoff's ethics, and his consulting fees in that matter. Abramoff is accused of defrauding tribal clients of millions of dollars

The American Conservative Union executive director Richard Lessner said the DeLay gala was meant as a "show of support" for the embattled House Leader but later conceded that "it may be on of our last chances to get the bills we need through the door".

"Let's face it", offered Lessner, "once the Ethics Committee meets, who knows what's going to happen … They can slap his wrists or, they can boot him out the door. He [DeLay] ain't getting out of here tonight without some business being done".

Other conservative parties that have business with DeLay who will be attending the dinner include Charlie Black, a Republican consultant with close ties to the White House; former presidential candidate Gary Bauer, head of American Values; Ed Fuelner of the Heritage Foundation; Paul Weyrich of the Free Congress Foundation; Morton Blackwell of the Leadership Institute; and the Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition.

"It's kind of", Lessner chuckled "a Super Bowl of conservatives …You'll see Family Values pouring through the walls tonight"

Top Ten Cloves: What Vice President Cheney Told Appeals Court About His Energy Meetings To Win Verdict

10. Argued who had more energy - Six-Million-Dollar Man or Six-Million-Dollar Woman

9. Began formulating plan to develop Ann Coulter as useable energy source (see The Garlic, 29 April 2005)

8. That the energy exec's didn't know how to throw a meeting - lousy danish and weak coffee

7. Decided some meetings with Go-Cart races

6. Free, new cars and lifetime gas for all the judges

5. Energy guys wore masks and were so secret, nobody knew their names

4. Not much meeting time; First Lady stopped in and began telling jokes and that was it …

3. Actually, after all this fuss, it was only acouple of conference calls

2. Discussed all the prime fishing spots in Alaska and marked the map so they won't drill there

1. Some meetings held in Secret Bunker - the one, with cable, waterbed and always a fridge full of beer, that VP friends can use

Wednesday 11 May 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others

Say Nuclear Threat Violates Patriot Act; AG Gonzales Opens Investigation

Washington was rocked yesterday with sirens wailing long into the night in Georgetown, as well as Virginia and Maryland suburbs, as groups of local police, FBI and U.S. Marshalls were seen storming houses, leading men and woman out in handcuffs, while other agents carried document boxes and computers.

At the Capitol, flanked by leading Democrats, including Sen. Edward Kennedy, Sen. Patrick Leahy, and Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid called for the arrest of Senator Bill Frist, charging him with being an "enemy combatant" and violating the Patriot Act for his threats of using a 'nuclear option' in the U.S. Senate.

"The President, himself," stated Reid, "has constantly reminded us - all of us - to remain vigilant against terrorist and potential acts of terrorism …When a person threatens to use a nuclear device inside the walls of the United States Senate, than I stand as one vigilant citizen and I call for the United States Attorney General to take this invidual into custoday and charge him with the appropriate crimes".

"This individual" referred to by Reid happens to be the Majority Leader in the U.S. Senate.

Frist has been the lead pit bull in a fierce Republican pack, vowing the end of using filibusters to opose and defeat President Bush, and Republican-nominated judges for the federal bench. For weeks now, Frist and other Republicans have threated to use the "nuclear option", that being changing Senate rules to eliminate filibusters and have judges voted on by the full Senate.

And Vice-President Dick Cheney has promised to break any deadlocks, with a vote for the nominated judges, some considered extremely conservative or too far to the right by the Democrats.

Reid went on, presenting a long list of others who should be charged along with Frist, including Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), former
Senate GOP leader Trent Lott, and columnist Robert D. Novak.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, in a brief statement released by the Justice Deparment, indicated that he is, indeed, opening an investigation of the charges. This lead to the extensive show of force and manhunt last evening throughout the D.C. area.

Reports and rumors have that President Bush, upon hearing the news while on his European trip, called Gonzales from Air Force One and directed him to "get to the bottom of this". Some have seen signs of the White House distancing itself from Frist, and the others, particularly, when the President reportedly told Gonzales that "no one gets a break here".

Inside sources say the President was livid when he heard the news and that Gonzales called the President, asking for advise on how he should handle the situation. The President, according to White House insiders, was "extremely saddened and disappointed in Frist" and also said he'll "miss Novack's column".

Frist was stunned when he heard about the charges. Frist was in his Senate office, reviewing videotapes of some potential medical patients, when word reach him that he may be facing "terrorist charges".

Frist left the office, side-stepping a group of media and made no comments as questions were shouted to him, asking if he was a terrorist and where did he get his nuclear device.

When reached, in Mississippi, Lott, who is credited with coining the term 'nuclear option' was surprised and asked the reporter; "What is this? Am I on that 'Punk's show or something". Lott declined giving a comment and was said to be seen entering the office of his lawyer late last night

A spokesperson for Novack indicated that "he is out-of-the-country" and it was reported that Santorum flew back to Pennsylvania, to be with his family. Sources say U.S. Marshalls out of Philadelphia were on their way to arrest Santorum.

It would be unprecidented to have a sitting, majority leader in the Senate charged with such high-level crimes. However, in the post 9/11 world, and with the Bush Administrations rock-solid stance against terrorism, even a euphamistic comment about using a nuclear device, and in particular, in a U.S. Government building, gets a spotlighted investigation.

If Frist, and the others, are charged with violating the Patriot Act and deemed enemy combatants, they can be held, without access to lawyers, family or friends, indefinitely and would be brought to trial before a military tribunal and not a jury.

Law enforcement specialist say, at this point in the investigation, Frist and the others could just be charged with conspiracy, since no nuclear device or option has gone off in the Senate.

One Justice Departmet attornery indicated that it it "very likely they'll be charged as enemy combatants"

"We have to be sure", the attorney continued, "that there is no plot, no device here .. Something that is going to blow up Washington".

Asked if Frist, or any of the others, would be put in the 'Special Rendition' program, the Justice Department official offered;

"I'm not at liberty to say … But, then again, I heard that Novak is out-of-the-country"

It is likely that those arrested would be booked and held a Quantico and await the next step from the Attorney General and the Justice Department as to interrogations and the disposition of the charges. Reports say that Frist has made a request to submit his answers to the interrogation via videotape.

Speaking for the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney stated that it "was a sad day for the country" and that "it was likely, those judges won't be confirmed this time around".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things The Courts Are Letting United Airlines Do To Their Retirees

10. Retirees must stop calling male flight attendants "stewardess"

9. Food service on flights not required to give retirees cans of Ensure with their meals

8. Okay to make retirees ride in baggage hold, but must provide them something other than luggage to sit on

7. United Airlines is entitled to 50% of any supplemental income earned by retirees

6. Retirees must fake heart attack to cover long delay in cases where pilot shows up drunk

5. Retirees have to shell and bag the peanuts for the First Class Section

4. United can use their pension money for anything, even a fling on GoldenPalace.Com

3. If retirees owns home, must bequeath it to United Airlines in their Wills

2. Can continue to make retirees stand in O'Hare lobbies and hum 'Rhapsody In Blue' whenever PA system goes down

1. Retirees must use logo and tag line as-is; Not "Fly The Pension-Stealing Skies of United"

Tuesday 10 May 2005

American Idol Spin's Off New Born-Again Virgin Show

All Christian Music Format; Special Segment For Declaring New, Multi-Born Again Status

Desperate to get past its latest scandal, American Idol announced yesterday a new spin-off program that will begin next fall, called AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour and featuring a multi, all-Christian music format and contest.

The announcement came as the allegations that show judge Paula Abdul had a physical, intimate relationship with Corey Clark, a contestant on the program earlier this year.

While being, primarily, studio-theatre based, AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour will have its' debut at the Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, KY, the site of the recent Justice Sunday event. Along with regular host Ryan Seacrest, and judges, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Williams, and an all-star studded line-up from Gospel and Christian Rock will be on-hand.

There will be a special appearance at the mega-church, with former Attorney General John Ashcroft joined by the three-time Grammy Award-winning gospel group, The Mighty Clouds of Joy, for a rendition of Ashcroft's 'When Eagles Soar'.

The program will open, each week with a special video greeting from Senator Bill Frist and other mega-churches and Christian music sites will be integrated into the program. Along with the competition, there will be a "Witness" segment when one of the evening's contestants declares himself or herself a 'Born-Again Virgin' or, just a plain 'Born-Again Christian'

Tony Perkins, head to the Family Research Council, hailed the news of AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour as "return of good Christian values to mainstream television"

Dr. James Dobson, one of the featured speakers at Justice Sunday declared that "It will be the highest rated program in the history of television because Jesus will be watching it"

Producers for American Idol, Fremantle Media and the Fox Network, said in a statement that they were influenced, recently, by the outpouring of faith displayed during the Terry Schiavo situation, as well as the very recent discovery of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks' fiancé, John Mason, and his declaration of being a 'Born-Again Virgin'.

The statement also indicated that "Christian music is an under-publicized niche of our industry and American Idol is happy to bring it out of the shadows"

Critics of the program, laced with scandals and snafu's in each of its' first three-seasons, believe that American Idol is pandering to the conservative right and exploiting a private, personal family situation. Some are calling for the FCC to take action and revoke Fox's broadcast license.

On the MSNBC news program, 'Countdown', anchor Keith Olberman is still speechless as to the news of someone being a 'Born-Again Virgin' and continues to ask, "when did they change the rules?"

Host Seacrest advises Olberman, and others to 'tune in next Fall to AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour … It will be like nothing you've ever seen …"


Amazon Says "I Do"; Opens Wedding Registry

Offers Free Shipping For Weddings With Over 100 Guests

Amazon.Com, the internet retail giant, is venturing into yet another new market niche - weddings.

Beginning this Friday, couples setting up their nuptials can open a registry with Amazon.Com, giving them a potential gift haul from over 70,000 items - including selling a complete wedding party with church, minister, ushers and bridesmaids.

Amazon, taking on the already staked out cyberspace of WeddingChannel.com and TheKnot.com, believes the wedding registry will fit very well with other Amazon services, including it's new A9 Yellow Pages for wedding-related vendors and it's soon-to-be launched DVD service.

"We see a lot of synergy in this" offered Amazon chief, Jeff Bezos.

Bezos declined to project when www.amazon.com/wedding will turn a profit.

As reported by The Garlic (26 April 2005; Amazon Earnings Due Today; Modest Bump Up). Amazon is targeting 2017 as when the DVD division will come out of the red and kept 2045 for when, overall, Amazon will begin to see profit.

Bezos indicated that many familiar features to Amazon users will be in place with the wedding registry.

Any item, including the complete wedding, can be shipped overnight. Additionally, at the testimonial section will be a place for friends and family to post reviews of the wedding, or, in the case that either the bride or groom was previously married, a section for the former spouses to offer their comments

And, for any wedding member with cold feet, you can also view and review other weddings that you might like to purchase or participate in.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Born-Again Virgins Now That John Mason Is Out

10. Paula Abdul - They told me to say I was one, to help the ratings

9. Mark McGwire - Since this is happening now, and in the future, I can talk about it

8. John Ashcroft - I did cover the statues and, I can redo the song to 'When Born-Again Virgins Soar

7. Paris Hilton - Really, all I have to do is say it and I'm in the clear?

6. Pat O'Brien - Gives me another reason to go on Dr. Phil's

5. Steven Jobs - Hmmm … If this gets hot, do I see a Born-Again iPod coming out of this or what?

4. Jeff Gannon - Nobody believed I was a reporter, so they probably won't believe this

3. Bill Gates - I better do it, before that minister ruins my business completely

2. Martha Stewart - If it gets this damned bloody ankle thing off me, I'll say that I'm anything you want me to be

1. President Bush - Gotta do something to get away from that horse-milking joke

Monday 9 May 2005

Bush In Wrong Countries
White House Blunders On Bush Europe Itinerary

Chirac, EuroDisney Officials Miffed At No-Show

The White Office today has a new entry on its growing list of fences to mend - France and Russia

In a hastily called press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary confirmed rumors that surfaced over the weekend that there was a "human error" in President Bush's travel itinerary.

Instead of attending a long-standing appointment to meet with French President Chirac at EuroDisney, the President was sent to Russia for the 60th Anniversary of the end of World War II events.

Bush's strong criticism of Russian President Vladimir V. Putin caught many off-guard and his visits to the Balkan states was known in advance as something that would chafe the Russians.

Meanwhile, in Paris, the newspaper 'Le Monde' screamed at Parisians this morning; 'Bush se lève Chirac; Envoie Underling' (Bush Stands Up Chirac; Sends Underling). The paper quoted Chirac saying; "Il rencontre chacun d'autre, mais pas nous …" (He's meeting with everyone else, but not us)

Chirac, and EuroDisney President André Lacroix stood, with other foreign dignitaries and U.S. Embassy staff, impatiently waiting for over 35-minutes before Under Secretary-of-State Paula J. Dobriansky showed up. Dobriansky coordinates U.S. foreign relations on a variety of global issues.

Dobriansky, and the State Department, offered no public statements on her appearance to meet with Chirac and the U.S. Embassy in France refused comment.

The meeting between Chirac and Bush at EuroDisney had been on the schedule since early January, as an attempt to warm up relations between France and the U.S.

EuroDisney was chosen as the meeting site because, according to McClellan, "the President has been to the Disney parks in Anaheim and Orlando and wanted to see EuroDisney to add to his collection of memorabilia from theme parks".

Putin displayed, visibly and vocally, his unhappiness about Mr. Bush's five-day itinerary in Europe, which includes visits to Latvia and Georgia. The Russians planned for months, with huge billboards all over Moscow, to focus on the 60th anniversary of the defeat of Nazi Germany with a massive celebration in Red Square.

With already contentious relationships with its Baltic states, all former republics and now independent nations, the Russians were virtually distraught that Bush, in a speech in Latvia, repeatedly used the word "occupation" in his remarks to describe Russia's actions in Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia after World War II.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, as well as other White House officials, spent the weekend making secondary visits with Russian officials and press, in an attempt to soften the President's comments.

McClellan, at today's press conference, referred to the mix-up in travel as "human error".

"Some folders got mistakenly picked up ahead of schedule and the itinerary plans were sent to the wrong offices"

Asked about the President's strong remarks to the Russians, as well as his criticism in his speeches in the Baltics, McClellan indicated that much of the President's speech was "written on the fly". The mistake was not noticed until Air Force One landed in Latvia.

At one point, press aboard the flight, just before the landing, heard the President asking various staff why he didn't see the Eiffel Tower as they entered into Paris. It was at that point, with the jet on the ground, rolling to a stop, did the White Office staff realize the mistake.

When apprised of Bush's comments about not seeing the Eiffel Tower, Chirac responded briskly, and in English;

"Perhaps President Bush was too busy eating some Freedom Fries to notice he was in the wrong country".


Merck Defends Vioxx Tactics

Says "haven't done anything different that what baseball did"

Merck & Co, stung last week with allegations, some released from congressional hearings, that they trained employees to avoid discussing negative studies about Vioxx, shot back at its critics, defending its practices, saying that "… we haven't done anything different that what baseball did …"

'The information on the card was accurate and that detailers were not obligated to discuss details not listed on the drug's label", offered a testy Dennis Erb, Merck vice president of global strategic regulatory development.

Since Sept. 30, the Senate has held numerous hearings on Vioxx and drug safety. Studies have come out with negative information about Vioxx and links to the arthritis painkiller causing heart attacks and strokes.

Reportedly, Merck representatives known as ''detailers" were trained by superiors to "sidestep questions about heart risks" in their interactions with doctors. Merck's Marketing Department prepared a special booklet that stated "Vioxx was eight times safer for hearts than similar painkillers".

The goal of Merck, and their representatives, was to increase the amount of prescriptions for Vioxx

Erb, in defending Merck at a recent press conference, brought up Major League Baseball's recent congressional testimony before Congress.

"Baseball has had a blind eye to steroids, despite known health risks", according to Erb. "He (Commissioner Bud Selig) wasn't handing out pamphlets with that information …"

The booklet that Merck's representatives were instructed to use did not include details from the Merck study, showing a fivefold increase in heart attack and stroke risk with the use of Vioxx, compared with naproxen or another painkillers.

When asked if Merck representatives specifically used baseball tickets as an incentive for doctors, Erb stated that Merck does have a number of 'corporate suites' at various baseball stadiums, as well as season tickets and does "entertain clients" from time-to-time, with these tickets.

One unconfirmed charge the Senate is investigating is the Merck representatives offered doctors prime baseball tickets, in exchange for the doctors writing more Vioxx orders. Adding to that, one doctor reportedly gave testimony that the doctor could "bring to the game, any heart attack patients as a result of using Vioxx" and that they would get "choice seating".

Another baseball-related charge came from doctor, at an earlier Senate hearing, that Merck offered to "send the doctor to Fantasy Baseball Camp".

The Senate is already investigating reports that Merck focused on details of its representatives and their meetings with doctors, such as how long they shook hands, if they maintained eye contact and, based on the age and physical fitness of the doctors, asking if they played baseball.

"They avoid talking about the risk and steered the conversation and meetings to baseball" offered one Senate insider.

Reportedly, Merck tracked the prescription orders much like a baseball box score, listing its' "heavy hitters", keeping averages and attaching bonuses for the best average and "homeruns". The representatives were heavily pressured and very competitive.

"It was kind of a Glengarry, Glenross thing" said another Senate staffer close to the investigation, referring to the David Mamet play on real estate salesman. "First prize was the baseball tickets, second prize was that they were fired"

With the results of the negative Merck study on Vioxx published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Rep. Thomas Davis (R-VA), said that a "''wide-awake physician" would have known about Vioxx's heart risks".

Erb responded to the Davis comment by saying;

"If doctors are having a hard time staying awake, we have a drug for that too".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Karl Rove Did To Help Get Tony Blair Elected Again

10. Got the Swift Boat Veterans to smear Blair's Liberal Democratic opposition

9. Had American Idol Corey Clark record some really bad reggae tunes and distribute in Jamaican districts

8. Placed Ralph Nadar on the ballot to drain votes

7. Circulated Press Releases giving Blair credit for finding Saddam Hussein, with picture of Blair in a flight suit

6. Used same tactic as in Cleveland to create long lines to suppress voting

5. Had the Wendy's woman claim to find finger in fish-and-chips to divert media away from campaign

4. Got Jeff Gannon a job with the BBC so he can ask Blair softball questions

3. Spread the rumor that if Blair not elected, Charles and Camilla would take over the government

2. To promote Family Values of Blair, got Margaret Thatcher to endorse him by announcing she's a Born-Again Virgin

1. Secretly took Laura Bush to London pubs to tell dirty jokes