The Garlic

Friday, April 20, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Most Likely Graffiti Tags That Will Soon Appear On New Baghdad Wall

News Item: US builds Baghdad wall to keep Sunnis and Shias apart

10. Look, Bush invades Iraq and all he gets is this lousy wall

9. Sunnis Suck

8. Oh good, something new to blow up

7. Shiites Eat Shit

6. Hey Tancredo, where's your wall?

5. Who's paying for this wall - Iraq or Wolfowitz?

4. Kilroy Was Here

3. Here's my purple finger, right here!

2. Hey Cheney, gives us a few days and you can declare your wall here in its' final throes

1. Hey Americans .... Write down your names and addresses, so we know where to find you when we follow you home

Bonus Link

Disney, With Secret Contract, Working With White House, Military On Building Baghdad Moats

"Cool idea, huh? ... A wall ... That's why they call me The Decider"

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Breaking News! Gonzales To Shift Testimony, Has New Excuse

AG To Cite 'Circuit City' Policy, Claim Replacement Attorneys Costing DOJ Less; Fired USA's Can Reapply in Ten Weeks

In yet another stunning twist to the growing scandal, sources tell The Garlic that Crony General Alberto Gonzales will abandon the expected testimony he was to deliver today, when he testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and instead, deliver a brand new excuse for the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys.

Gonzales will tell the committee that he actually was implementing what now has become known at the "Circuit City Policy".

The eight U.S. Attorneys fired were replaced with attorneys who are willing to work for less money, saving the Department of Justice, tens-of-thousands of dollars in their budget.

Gonzales will stop short of saying the fired attorneys were overpaid, as Circuit City cited when they implemented their policy, and the Crony General will announce that the fired attorneys can reapply for their jobs - at the lower pay scale now in place - in 10-weeks.

When apprised to the shift planned by Gonzales, Judiciary Committee Chairman, Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) rolled his eyes and threw up his hands.

"We've gone from the dog ate my homework, to do you want fries with that order," huffed Leahy. "I suppose this means now that the DOJ attorneys now get an employee discount if they purchase a new stereo."

Circuit City, the third largest electronics retailer in the United States, with revenues over $11-Billion, caused an uproar last month, when they fired over 3,400 employees for the reason of they were paid too highly, and replaced then with lower-paid workers.

Much like the fired U.S. Attorneys, Circuit City justified the move, saying the firings had nothing to do with job performance, but rather, to improve the company's bottom line.

The Gonzales shift comes against a backdrop of the Senate committee considering offering immunity to former Gonzales aide, Monica Goodling, to testify. Goodling had previously stated she would plead the 5th Amendment if called before the committee.

Additionally, millions of email messages, between the White House and DOJ, are missing, some of which may be related and/or specifically dealing with the fired U.S. Attorneys. White House staff, such as Karl Rove and others, used an email system provided to them by the Republican National Committee, which has fueled speculation that they did so to avoid investigations.

Gonzales himself is said to have been "studying" over the past two weeks, as preparation for his appearance today.

The Crony General, in shooting a shot across the Senate committee's bow, penned an Op-Ed in The Washington Post this past weekend, offering little new information and citing he has done nothing improper or has anything to hide.

Gonzales gave no indication in the Op-Ed of the new 'Circuit City Policy' that he will, apparently, offer in today's testimony.

Leahy indicated he would wait to hear the Crony General's testimony, before making any decisions on subpoenaing Circuit City executives or emails.

Links

Bush, Gonzales Reportedly Discussed Fired Prosecutor

Aborted DOJ Probe Probably Would Have Targeted Gonzales

Top Ten Cloves: How It Would Be Different If Alberto Gonzales Was The Head of March Madness

Alberto Gonzales Sings 'Justice For Sale'

Did Crony General Alberto Gonzales come up with the 'Circuit City Policy' for firing eight U.S. Attorney's, or did the White House?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Warning - Bypass this post if you don't want to be discouraged.

Poor, poor First Lady Laura.

Her DVD rental bill must be astronomical by now, if she is staying away from watching the television - in order not to be discouraged.

It's bad enough that those darn terrorists over in Iraq give her such discouragement, but yesterday, she had to travel with the Chief Decider down to Blacksburg, Virgina, to attend the Convocation following the terrible gun-caused violent tradegy there.

At least her husband got out in front of that early, and firmly, letting his base and supporters (you know, all those potential Bush Library donors) that he stands tall behind the 2nd Amendment.

Many believe the 2nd Amendment, and the "right to bear arms" means defending the country against invaders, or their own tyrannical government.

And many Iraqis (no, not all of them) are "bearing arms" to defend their country against invaders and occupiers.

The irony.

Laura, perhaps, is hoping beyond hope that her husband, and the others in the White House, can get one of those generals, or someone, to take the nice new War Czar job and figure all this out.

If the War Czar, and the surge, work out, the First Lady may be able to go back watching television, sans the discouragement, just in time for summer reruns.

Todays Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Baghdad Bombings Kill at Least 131

Links

Laura Bush: Much Of Iraq Is ‘Stable,’ There’s Just ‘One Bombing A Day That Discourages Everybody’

Brookings Institute Iraq Index

CNN Larry King - Interview With Laura Bush/"The Lost Tomb of Jesus"

Laura Bush: My husband never misled about Iraq

New Feature - The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 09, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 16, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Saturday, April 07, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

"If I don't get to watch my television pretty soon, someone's going to get it!"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways President Bush Can Sweeten The Offer To Secure A New War Czar

News Item: Why I Declined To Serve

10. First guy to find the missing emails gets the job!

9. Since we'll be pulling all the strings anyway, what about if we give him both the job of War Czar and Attorney General?

8. To make sure the War Czars wars are funded, will launch new policy program, "No Czar Left Behind"

7. If single, and with the Secretary of State being single, will throw in White House Wedding if the two hit it off

6. Blowjobs. the I know we're Republicans, but isn't there an intern or someone here somewhere that can give the guy blowjobs.

5. How about we just say we have a War Czar? ... Just like we said we had proof Saddam was buying uranium and in bed with Al Qaeda

4. No restrictions; New War Czar is free to say what he likes, maybe come up with those colorful, pithy sayings like Rumsfield did

3. New War Czar would get to move his girlfriend into a high-paying State Department job - Just like Paul Wolfowitz

2. New War Czar gets to fire three additional U.S. Attorneys and replace them with his friends

1. Will put it in the contract that the new War Czar doesn't actually have to go or visit Iraq or Afghanistan

"Howdy, Pardner ... You wanna be my War Czar?"

Monday, April 16, 2007

Chopped Garlic ... Of Virginia Tech ... The Right To Bear Arms ... And Barry Crimmins

First and foremost, The Garlic wants to extend our prayers and sympathy to the victims and families of those killed and injured in today's - and yet another - senseless outburst of gun violence.

There was an interesting merger this afternoon, as I watched the wall-to-wall cable news coverage of the horrible tragedy that took place at Virginia Tech today.

CNN's Jack Cafferty just finished rattling off a list of school shootings, going back to the 1966 and Charles Whitman and then noted that he could not cite a single instance of such carnage being reported in other countries. Cafferty declared such shootings as uniquely American and, rhetorically asked what made that so.

Well, Jack, for one right off the top of the head, is the readily and easily accessibility of handguns in this country.

With an army of politicians, corporations, organizations and good ol', flag-waving, gun-toting, red-blooded Americans, who resist any controls or bans, they keep said guns flying off the factory production lines and into the hands of anyone that wants one.

No word if the First Lady was "discouraged" by what happened today, but earlier in the day, the Chief Decider had to weigh in and assure the base, that despite the horror and mounting death toll coming out of Virginia Tech, he still stands for the American Way, and "As far as policy, the President believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed."

What a loaded line that is ... "All laws must be followed".

Then, the telephone rang and it was friend, and America's best satirist, Barry Crimmins, who was watching the same news.

Crimmins, who penned a most heart-felt letter-to-the-editor in The Boston Globe this past weekend, over the passing of Kurt Vonnegut, had written a fall-on-the-floor-laughing comedy routine back in the 1970's on gun control.

In the opening of the routine, Crimmins would announce that he was a proponent of gun control, and then, parenthetically, and remedially, explain to any NRA members in the audience, that meant he was for it.

Crimmins would go on, saying that, yes, the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution says we have the right to bear arms.

Fine. Then make it so that whoever wants to bear arms, bear arms from 200-years ago.

He would riff that it would be pretty difficult to walk into a 7-11 with a concealed musket under your coat. And, on the plus side, if you were going to commit a crime with a musket, you probably would only get off one shot before being subdued, due to the cumbersome mechanics of reloading a musket.

But Crimmins didn't just make jokes about the deadly gun violence, he also offered a sensible alternative.

Baseball Bats.

With baseball bats, he pointed out, some three-or-four-year-old, when he or she digs around in Dad's closet, pulls out a baseball bat, and, at worse, gets a lump on his or her head, rather then having a bullet blaze through it.

What a far, far better world it would be, if Crimmins' concept had been adopted.

Schools would make the national news and cable blizzards, perhaps, for the academic accomplishments of their students, not for - and yet again - setting a new standard for death by gun violence.

Links

Barry Crimmins

Barry Crimmins On The Garlic

It hasn't been your cold dead hands, Charlton, but rather thousands of innocent peoples', who've had their lives snuffed out

His Fly Is Down and Nobody Wants To Tell Him ... The Results - The Garlic Weekly Poll

Poor, Poor Alberto.

With so may monikers being attached to him lately, from "Dead Man Walking" to "Gone-Zo", it seems more that he is the simple-minded dolt at the party, who goes around all evening with his fly down, and nobody wants to tell him.

Our Crony General just doesn't get it, which, after all, isn't so shocking for a member of the upper Bush Management team.

Everytime he opens his mouth, it seems, there's one or two new revelations, contradicting his new position and what he did or didn't do in the firing of the eight U.S. Attorneys.

Take yesterday, for instance.

The Crony General promulgated an Op-Ed in The Washington Post, claiming, among other things, he has nothing to hide.

Then, today, like clockwork, came the blaring headline - "Ex-Justice Official's Statements Contradict Gonzales on Firings"

And this - "Conservatives to Bush: Fire Gonzales"

Now, we've been told that the Crony General has been practicing, rehearsing and beefing up to prepare for his testimony, scheduled for tomorrow but now postponed until Thursday, due to the gun violence at Virginia Tech (cue the conspiracy; Bush needed something huge to get Iraq - and the Crony General - out of the headlines) and you have to wonder if he had the radio on ... Or was watching television with a cracked book open in front of him.

And why would the White House want him to testify again? Is it to score some talking points for the cameras? You'll have to fly across many a hurricane-ravaged city to find anyone who doesn't believe the firings were political.

Or is the White House resigned that they have to keep him on. Maybe, like their search for a War Czar, they can't find anyone to take the job. Nobody wants to jump on a sinking ship and, likely, no lawman worth his handcuffs wants to take a position that has them, not battling statutes, but rather being a stodge for the White House, running their agenda and not handling the citizen's business.

With the DOJ's morale at rock bottom, and their integrity now off that table, perhaps that's what it is all about.

Little Alberto has been, and is to be, more Crony and less General.

And that suits Bush & Co. just fine.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll April 7 - April 14, 2007

Crony General Alberto Gonzales is said to have cancelled his vacation in order to practice for his upcoming testimony before Congress. Gonzales is likely to rehearsing most, the phrases ...

1. Hey, this is all Karl Rove's doing ... Get him up here and grill that bastard ... Tally 31%

2. The U.S. Attorneys serve at the pleasure of the President and there was nothing illegal or wrong about removing them Tally 29%

3. Senator, I have no recollection of that Tally 23%

4. No Senator, I don't recall saying that Tally 17%

This week’s Poll - Despite his absurd and misleading statements about conditions in Iraq, and his third-place, 1st Quarter fund-raising finish, Senator John McCain's meltdown won't be complete until ....

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

When you get to the hearing room, Mr. Crony General, make sure you check your trousers and be sure your fly is up

Friday, April 13, 2007

Chopped Garlic: "Emails? We ain't got no emails! We don't need no emails! We don't have to show you any stinking emails!"...

I think we've used the Alfonso Bedoya line before, but it comes to mind listening to White House Assistant Press Secretary Dana Perino the past few days duck, dodge and stammer the absolute unbelievable drivel about the lost emails of the White House.

It seems the Bushies are more intent in giving their all for an audition on their, excuse me, the Fox News Network's "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?", when it, just on face value, appears to be a lot closer to, Judiciary Committee Chairman, Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) assessment that "This sounds like the Administration’s version of the dog ate my homework."

Bush is going to get his surge all right, unknowingly challenging every high school hacker and 40-year-old burnt-out computer programmer, living in their parent's basement or garage, who, undoubtedly, have already begun their treasure hunt through the White House either nets, searching for the most embarrassing email they can find.

Some chat room or YouTube will likely see a Rove-penned smoking gun before Leahy does. Or maybe former Senator Rick Santorum, who, after all, did such a fantastic jog unearthing those much-heralded WMD's.

If all their crimes, lies, spins, smears and trampling of the Constitution, ignorance and arrogance against the democracy and the rule of law hasn't motivated the Congress to serve up some Articles of Impeachment, than this latest dust-up should.

They are taunting and laughing at the Congress, and the American people, on just how stupid they believe all of us to be.

They wrapping themselves, most absurdly, in the flag, citing only trying to comply to the Hatch Act, the preservation of presidential records, with tongue firmly implanted in cheek. It's Eddie Haskell, in a suit with a flag lapel pin, and an RNC email account in his back pocket.

And, if it works, if the Congress and people buy into this lame explanation, then it will be in short order they'll start the spin on their Iraq Disaster as having "lost the strategy and plans" for that. Their gall knows no bounds, in case you haven't noticed, they have been advertising for a Fall Guy for the Iraq Fiasco, via their search for a War Czar (and surprise, no takers).

We will likely soon be reliving the Nixon Administration, with the inevitable court battle over Executive Privilege regarding the Lost Emails (and boy, to be a fly on the wall for the oral argument over, not just Rove's string-pulling, but some WH Intern's Horoscope files being tied to National Security).

In fact, it shouldn't be a surprise if Bush revives his WMD comedy routine, and applies it to the Lost Emails.

Forget about the final days of his administration and Bush being a lame duck. We can drop the bird and just go with lame.

"Nope ... No emails here ...."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

So It Goes ... R.I.P Billy Pilgrim

A certain amount of irony today, with the media airwaves saturated with the firing of Don Imus (and with old white guy after old white trying to buck up their pal and downplay what an ass he has been) on the day the author and writer extraordinaire Kurt Vonnegut passes away.

Good thing, I suppose, there wasn't a new, breaking Anna Nicole Smith story ... It likely would have bumped both of them.

So It Goes ... R.I.P Billy Pilgrim

Links

The Official Website of Kurt Vonnegut

Counterculture author, icon Kurt Vonnegut Jr. dies at 84

Wikipedia - Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut vs. the !&#*!@

Vonnegut's Apocalypse

Strange Weather Lately

Kurt Vonnegut's "Stardust Memory"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Retro Garlic ... Must Be His Friends and Family Circle ...

Maybe they need his money-raising prowess to bail them out of ... Well, pick a scandal - Crony General Alberto Gonzalez and the "Just Us" Department fiasco? ... The super secret tree house email system that Rove & Co. used in the White House? ... Walter Reed Hospital and the troops that Bush is accusing the Democrats of abandoning? ...

It seems that the King of K Street may be footloose and fancy free in the not-so-distance future.

NBC News reported today that - and at the request of the government - a federal judge may grant a new hearing, to reduce the sentence of Jack Abramoff, as a reward for his cooperation.

NBC News Story

NBC: Abramoff could get reduced sentence; Judge grants request for new hearing, rewarding lobbyist for cooperating

And, back in November 06, on The Garlic ...

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Jack Abramoff Will Gain Favors While In Prison

Or maybe, they're just trying to distract us again.

Link

Retro Garlic - The Iraq Jar

Monday, April 09, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Things Don Imus Will Do During His Suspension

News Item: Don Imus Is Punished With Two Weeks of Radio Silence

10. Now has the time to go over and help Crony General Alberto Gonzales practice for his Senate testimony

9. Have lunch, or a drink, with Contessa Brewer

8. See if he can take a quick course, or two, at Rutgers

7. Practice his democracy by going over to Baghdad and protesting, with all those ragheads, against Bush

6. Get that paternity test, to, once and for-all, determine if Opie his illegitimate son

5. Go hunting with Mitt Romney

4. Make it a fun two-weeks; Start a rumor that Tim Hardaway is gay

3. Call up Michael Richards and see if he wants to hang out ... Maybe catch a Mel Gibson film

2. Check her schedule and pray that Ann Coulter has another speech real soon

1. If Rachel Ray can do it, so can I; Imus to plan prom for Rutgers seniors

Reports indicate that MSNBC and CBS Radio broke the news of the two-week suspension to Imus by temporarily retitling his radio program to "Imus Not In The Morning"

Sunday, April 08, 2007

CHRIST SLEPT HERE: A TALE OF EASTER

"Now let me get this straight ...”, He continued. “You take chicken eggs ... color them different colors after you’ve - what did you say you did, hard-boiled them? - and then you hide the eggs out on your lawn and send little children out to find them?”

Sheepishly, I acknowledged His assessment. Before I could change this nose-diving conversation, He stared at me disbelievingly.

“Is there more?”

“Well ... ehhh ... Chocolate companies and Hallmark Cards have kinda jumped on the bandwagon too ...”

What was I going to say? I couldn’t lie to the guy! Besides, I had a hangover that showed me about as much mercy as an infomercial full of insurance salesman. The last thing I expected to deal with on Easter Sunday morning was to find Jesus Christ Himself lying on my living room floor.

He sipped his Ovaltine and sat quietly for a moment. Almost an hour had passed since I stumbled out from my bedroom and shouted “Jesus Christ”, only to receive an affirmative response. Now I found myself obsessed with what I was going to serve Him for breakfast.

He had discoursed - an none too clearly at that - in metaphysical terms on His sudden appearance in my home. It involved some sort of time-space continuum that essentially came down to the “UP” mechanism malfunctioning. He indicated that it has happened before but that He never landed in this time era.

“I hope you don’t mind, but they like for me to stay wherever I’ve transported to. It makes it easier to work out the problem”.

What was I going to do - tell Him He had to leave? That I was busy? I still hadn’t figured out what He looked like. He had the duende of a William Holden but at a closer, studied glance, He seemed more like a larger, Harry Dean Stanton-type. He could have used a shave but nothing like the most common depiction’s of Him.

With the notion of winning a lot of bar bets, or getting Kresgan-like billing on the talk show circuit, I began to think of some questions that He could give me the inside dirt on. Like, whose idea was it to put sand in the hourglass and how did they know that it was one hour?

Or what about the speculation that is was actually the dog salivating that made Pavlov ring the bell?

“You don’t really expect me to do something like that, do you?", he asked in a very disapproving tone.

Before I could dwell on the implications of His unsolicited response, I choked with panic at the thought of my girlfriend strolling out of the bedroom. Raised eyebrows followed me to the bedroom door as I inched over to see that it was closed. As a distraction, I decided to test Him.

“How do I know You are who You say You are?”

“Ohhh boy I knew this would come up sooner or later.”

“What was Rosebud?”

“A sled”.

“Who”, I asked as I secured the bedroom door, “killed Sean Regan?”

“The Big Sleep? - Book or movie?”, He retorted sharply, the glint in His eye told me He knew.

“All right then ... Who’s gonna win the World Series this year?”

“C’mon!”

“Hey, I thought I’d sneak one in there, ya know ... So ... Ahhh ... Would it be, like ... uncool or whatever ... to ask you to ... You know .... Do something?”

He rolled his eyes and let out a long, deep breath.

“Why should you be any different than the others .. What? Hailstones? ...Locusts? ... The ever-boring thunder-and-lightening routine! ... I wish that once, just once, someone would ask me for something really special - Like a perfect Tango! ... Something!”

“I don’t know then, surprise me”.

“Careful”, He half-laughed. “Remember who you’re saying that to ... You’d be in awe of how many people actually ask for locusts - and always on someone else’s property”.

He sat silently and gazed about the room. No chants. No arm-waving. No earth-moving.

He just sat there and, after a few moments, He stood up.

“Okay, let’s go check”, He announced indifferently.

He led me to my washing machine and motioned for me to open the lid. I couldn’t believe it!

It was filled with socks! Single socks! All colors, sizes, patterns - every sock I ever lost in my life! I turned to say something but He was making his way back to the living room, confidently whistling a little ditty and with a pronounced swagger in His step.

“So”, He said rather coolly, “What else do I have to do around here to get something to eat?”

I apologized profusely and went scurrying to the kitchen. Warding off any meat controversies, I settled on waffles. My hangover was calling for a batch of Bloody Mary’s but I wasn’t sure how that would go over. While preparing breakfast, I could hear Him poking around the living room.

“Try me again”, He shouted “What year is this?”

“Ah, two-thousand-seven, A.D. ... Ehh ... I mean ... You know ... After you ...”

“I see ... Do you have one of those television things that everybody seems to be talking about?”

Forgetting myself, I walked into the living room, handed him the remote control, and walked back into the kitchen. After a few minutes - and not hearing any sounds - I peered into the living room and found Him holding the remote in His hands - staring at it intently.

“Remarkable little thing”, he said noticing me. “But I’m not quite sure that I get it”.

I rushed in and gave Him directions. He was enthralled, flicking away and making His rookie, channel-surfing run. He would study a channel for a few moments before powering onward. And as I went back into the kitchen, I couldn’t help but to notice that there was really something innate and universal to the remote control - He was making like a veritable Luke Skywalker, zapping and shooting at the television.

I continued cooking and suddenly I heard the voice of one of those fire-and-brimstone evangelists booming out. He slowly walked into the kitchen, still with his eyes on the television set.

“Is this what it has come to?”, he asked.

Before I could answer, He raised his hand about waist-high, changed the channel with the remote and walked discontentedly back into the living room. I finished preparing our plates and joined Him.

He was watching a roll call replay on C-SPAN and without taking his eyes off the television, He remarked how the political spectrum hadn’t really changed that much.

“I do have a little experience in dealing with special interests”, He said rather matter-of-factly.

Next, we sat in on the world of WWF Wrestling, which totally baffled Him. After the perfunctory 30-second glance, a flick-of-the-wrist delivered us to the monotone voice of Mr. Spock, pontificating to Captain Kirk. I cleared the plates as He settled into Star Trek.

“You know”, He shouted, referring to the program, “I believe I recognize the parable they’re trying to tell here”.

Abruptly, He began screaming “That’s it! That’s it!” Kirk and company had gotten themselves into some sort of ridiculous trouble and they were calling for Scotty to beam them up.

He ran into the kitchen excitedly.

“I’ve been using the wrong code”, He panted. Noticing the look on my face, He added; “C’mon, like it’s never happened to you - right!”

He thanked me and then hurried back into the living room. In the few seconds it took for me to follow Him, He was gone.

I did a frantic double-check – the hallway, closets even the washing machine - but He was gone. I slumped into the sofa, wondering if anyone would believe me. Kirk and crew were safely aboard with Spock making some profound observation about their experience. The remote control lay in the middle of the floor.

As Spock spoke, a gust of wind rattled the windows and my bedroom door slowly creaked open. I watched anxiously but it was my sleepy-eyed girlfriend emerging, wearing one of my shirts and a Chicago Cubs baseball hat I know I didn’t own.

The Chicago Cubs? No way ... Couldn’t be ...

- 30 -

J. Thomas Duffy
Copyright All Rights Reserved

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Top Ten Cloves: Things About Having Rachel Ray Planning Your Prom

News Item: Rachael Ray helps whip up prom after tornado

10. Early night - Prom only lasts 30-minutes

9. Cost of prom tickets includes bottle of Rachael Ray All-Italian EVOO

8. Music group for the night is bogus - only instruments are spoons

7. Rachel lectures you on the 103 things you can do with the leftover food

6. Tanya Zuckerbrot spends the night, tugging at your clothes, trying to read the labels

5. Emeril Lagasse shows up and keeps yelling "BAM" in your ear all night

4. For any kids that lose their lunch, no problem, Rachel just whips them up another

3. Competition - Martha Stewart got wind of it and she's built a way cool bigger and better prom - using only crepe paper, package of tinsel and empty maple syrup jars

2. Six different girls all claim they made out with the "Food Network talent scout" from the "Unwrapped" show

1. Saving a lot of money - Able to do flowers, limo and post-prom dinner for less than $40

Ohhh, And We Had Such Nice Plans For Shock and Awe II -The Sequel ... The Results - The Garlic Weekly Poll

Well, among other things to be thankful for having the British-Iran Hostage Situation resolve peacefully, is that Vice President Dick Cheney and the rest of the pro-war Bush Administration didn't get involved.

No doubt that the VP Darth Vader had his Iran Study Group cranking out all the options of war and attack (Shock and Awe II - The Sequel!), but the British stiffened their upper lips and said "No Thanks chaps, we'll handle this one", so that the only causalities out of this were the banners and copy of spin, with, perhaps, a new contract for the Lincoln Group, that all got fed into the Secret Bunker's shredder.

Since the Pentagon's own Inspector General has put the final bullets into the Bush-Cheney claims of Al Qaeda being in pre-occupied Iraq, the Boys on Pennsylvania Avenue may very well leaking some talking points that Osama bin Laden's gang is in Iran, and, somehow, was behind or involved in the kidnapping of the British sailors.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll April 1 - April 7, 2007

President Bush's advice to Tony Blair and the British, regarding their Iran Hostage Situation should include;

1. We'll lend you Cheney, and hire the Lincoln Group; They'll spin this to the point most Brits will believe the Iranians pulled off the Great Train Robbery Tally 41%

2. Changing the name of their iconic dish to Freedom Fish and Chips Tally 28%

3. When giving press conferences, wear RAF Flight Suit Tally 17%

4. If Blair can't pull it off, getting someone in his government to declare "Democracy is messy ... Stuff Happens" Tally 14%

This week’s Poll - Crony General Alberto Gonzales is said to have cancelled his vacation in order to practice for his upcoming testimony before Congress. Gonzales is likely to rehearsing most, the phrases ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Warning - Bypass this post if you don't want to be discouraged.

Man, this has to be a double-bummer for the First Lady.

Probably was looking forward to curling up on the sofa, box of Godiva Chocolate within arms' length and flicking on the tube to catch perhaps Burl Ives' Great Easter Bunny, or that Fred Astaire-Judy Garland pic with all the nice songs.

But no, those darn terrorists - that bunch from Al Qaeda that George and Dick say where in Iraq even before we invaded and occupied the country - have to go and spoil the entire weekend.

It's all Nancy Pelosi's fault... Running around over there in Syria, stirring up all kinds of trouble, ruining the First Lady's Easter.

Todays Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Chlorine truck bomber kills 27 in Ramadi

Links

Laura Bush: Much Of Iraq Is ‘Stable,’ There’s Just ‘One Bombing A Day That Discourages Everybody’

Brookings Institute Iraq Index

CNN Larry King - Interview With Laura Bush/"The Lost Tomb of Jesus"

Laura Bush: My husband never misled about Iraq

New Feature - The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the-Day

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 09, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Friday, March 16, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

Wednesday, March 28, 2007 The Laura Bush Bummer Bombing-of-the Day

No Easter Parade for this First Lady, as long as those bombings keep cropping up on her television

Editor's Note - Getting Back On Track

Good Afternoon Garlic Fans

We hope you are having a great Easter Weekend.

Once again, apologies all around for the lack of posts this past week.

Along with the previously-referenced sinus and allergy difficulties, this writer also had to deal with a very unexpected death in the family, which, as you can quite understand, left absolutely no time for maintaining ones' writing schedule.

We are getting back on track today, with a handful of posts and, be sure to tune in tomorrow, Sunday 8 April, for a special Easter Essay (Christ Slept Here: A Tale of Easter).

Once again, thank you for your support
Peace
JTD

Monday, April 02, 2007

Look No Further, Your Handy Baseball Primer

Ahhhh ... The smell of pine tar ... The roar of the crowd ...

Yes, it's back ... Baseball season is upon us and already, The Garlic has a scoop.

President Bush couldn't throw out the first pitch today, at the Washington Nationals home opener ... his arm was sore after tossing out those eight U.S. Attorneys.

While the rest of Washington is eyeballing and picking over the latest financials of the presidential candidates, the rest of America is sharpening their pencils, on the ready to record every twitch, movement, dropped fly, missed bunt and 6-4-3 double-play that takes place on the field of dreams around the country.

Don't be left out of the action (or, to get in the spirit of things, left in the on-deck circle). The Garlic today reprises one if its' most popular posts, and as Sonny Earl said, "the best darned baseball primer on the world wide web."

We present for your edification and enjoyment;

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

And boy, did we get letters

Look What They're Saying! Readers Write In On Baseball Piece

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece: Look What They're Saying Redux!

More Letters on The Garlic’s Baseball Piece!

World Series Prompts More Baseball Letters

Other Garlic Baseball Riffs

Wheaties Official Breakfast Cereal of MLB; Box To Feature Steroids

With Red Sox and Yankees Bounced, MLB Postpones Playoffs

Iraqis Pause Vote Count To Celebrate Chisox Pennant

Iraq Pulls Late Switch On Voters; Will Follow Red Sox And Have Two Presidents

South Dakota Not Waiting, Bans All Home Runs

Politics and Sports Collide; Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

Giants’ Bonds Tests Positive For Landis Testosterone

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Hey, Wait A Minute ... We're Not Falling For That One Again ... The Results - The Garlic Weekly Poll

Considering the mess the Bush Administration is in, you, kind of, have to wonder why they haven’t resorted to their brand of patriotism again, i.e. outing a covert CIA Agent, as the majority of Garlic Poll Voters believe is what will happen.

After all, there are multitudes of critics, challenging, not only their policy, but also their veracity.

Surely somebody, somewhere, in the bowels of the CIA had to be "fair game" and fair enough to divert attention, as well as change headlines and conversations away from the Bush "Well, We Call It Justice" Department

Perhaps, Cheney's Cheney, new Vice President Chief of Staff David Addington, seeing how they cut Scooter Libby loose, wasn't going to be the fall guy during a second run-through.

And, no doubt, he's watched, anxiously, with beads of sweat accumulating on his forehead, as President Bush has let his Crony General swing and twist in the Congressional winds.

No, the Scooter is reading up on license-plate-making and Brownie is long past his "heck-of-a-job".

The lies and spins are casting such a shadow on the White House, they may just have to stop doctoring the reports and believe there really is something to this climate changing thing.

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll March 26 - March 31, 2007

Boy, the way this thing is going, President Bush may have no better option with what to do with Crony General Alberto Gonzales than to ...

1. Have Vice President Dick Cheney leak and out another CIA covert agent to get him out of the headlines Tally 45%

2. Make him sit down for a biting, hard-hitting interview with Katie Couric Tally 24%

3. Nominate him to succeed John Bolton as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Tally 18%

4. Send him to Reverend Ralph, to give him the cure (something like he did for Ted Haggard) Tally 12%

This Week’s Poll - President Bush's advice to Tony Blair and the British, regarding their Iran Hostage Situation should include ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote