The "B" List

The Democratic National Convention wasn't all fun and big corporate parties, or battling MSNBC anchors.

Nor was it all up on gigantic jumbo screens, or in a big stadiums with tens-of-thousands screaming and cheering.

In an exclusive, The Garlic got a look at the work of the Secret Service, as they used the convention to practice, train and test codes for a possible Obama Administration.

The Secret Service as long employed fictitious names and, at times, colorful monikers, to presidents, and their families.

And, while perpetually making advance preparations, it is a bit unusual for the Secret Service to go to such lengths, before the election.

This year, according to our sources, presented "unusual" circumstances that the agency wanted to deal with early.

"You have two names with the "B" sound," said our Secret Service source.

"In fact, it can be a hard "B" sound, particularly if you are using the names frequently ... Obama and Biden, Biden and Obama ... We felt we needed to work on it a bit, get a head start, as it were."

For example, with the entire family of both candidates around, the call went out over Secret Service radios as "Barack, Biden and Beyond" ...

When either of the candidates are with their children, or, in Biden's case, grandchildren, the call goes out for "Bam Bam and Pebbles"

When either candidate was alone, the Secret Service tested;

Busby Berklee ... Big Bertha ... Big Bounce and, Bric-a-Brac

When Obama and Biden were together; The Bagboys

Over the course of the four nights of the convention, the Secret Service ran through a bevy (see how it is infectious) of code names, monitoring how well they sounded, the ease of agents pronouncing the names and retention of the names used.

Bed and Breakfast .. 'Bama and Bidee ... Bullets and Broadway ... Brains and Brawn ... Bells and Battery ... Backseat and Backlash ... Bigger and Better ... Beesting and Beeswax ... Barge and Blimp ... Brillant and Bedazzled ... Butter and Baloney ... Baffle and Belfry ...Ballots and Ballads ...Bamboo and Ballyhoo ...Banjo and Bank Shot ...Barber and Barbecue ...Bare-Assed and Barley ...Barium and Bargin ...Baseboard and Basement... Bath and Baste...Bowling and Bawling...

Beanball and Beanbag ..Beaver and Bedlam ...Bedsore and Bedpan ...Begrudge and Belabor ... Belgium and Belching ...Bellyflop and Bellboy ...Belvedere and Beluga ...Bereft and Beret ...Besotted and Bespangled ...Bevel and Bezel ...Bicker and Bidder ...Birdie and Biscuit ...Bit and Bitter ...Blahs and Blanch ...Blathering and Blaring ...Bleep and Bleet ...Blinks and Blight ...Bloated and Blizzard ...Bludgeon and Blotched ...Blunt and Blunder ...Boast and Bobbin ...Bogus and Boffin ... Bollock and Bombast ...Bon Bon and Bonehead ...Boomerang and Boondoggle ...Boudoir and Bouffant ...Bourgeois and Boring ...Boy Scout and Bracing ...

Brambling and Brainless ...Branch and Brash ...Brace and Bray ...Breech and Breezy ...Bridget and Brimless ...Bristle and Brioche ...Brittle and Broadax ...Broiled and Broken ...Brush and Browse ...Bubbler and Brutal ...Bucket and Buddy ...Bugged and Bugle ...Bullion and Bulletin ...Bummer and Bunco ...Bunt and Burden ...Bash and Burn ...Butch and Bustle ...Butler and Buttercup ... Bulk and Brassy ...Branch and Byway ...

Following now, through the election, the Secret Service will review the test results, listening to tapes and getting reports from the agents.

When asked if the Secret Service would be running a similar test at the Republican National Convention, our Secret Service gave a bemused look, and, without confirming or denying, stated "Yeah ...right ... "

Bonus Links

In The "Holy Cow" Dept; Denver Homeless Getting The Noonan "Full Detroit"

In Barry Crimmins Returns ... With An Admission!


3 Stooges teach the alphabet

Barry Crimmins Returns ... With An Admission!

For many, yesterday wasn't a day to worry-and-wax about Hillary Clinton's speech, it was to welcome back after a brief summer break (if you want to call yard work and house painting a "break"), writer and satirist Barry Crimmins.

And, come back did he.

Crimmins wades in on the convention, or, better yet, conventions, in general, and the political landscape ahead.

Confessions of an ex-con (attendee)

I haven't a single regret that I won't be in Denver this week nor St. Paul next week. I am content to watch the media and pols limbo to new lows of pandering, insincerity and self-celebration from the comfort of home.

I've been to a million campaign events. I've been a credentialed member of the media at numerous national political conventions, as well as a dissident/performer at those same gatherings and several others. I've shared the stage with presidential candidates and bull goose loony conspiracy freaks. It's a toss-up which was more embarrassing.

Jump over and read the entire piece - it's insightful, hysterical and on-the-money (he could have just posted the Caroline Kennedy riffs alone and had a winner).

And you gotta read the Comments ...

In particular, the exchange between Barry and "Scout" (The Garlic did suggest to Barry that he advise "Scout" that "Boo Radley really is friendly")

Also, another comment deserves full view here;

John A. Joslin ( Detroit) -- Tuesday, August 26th 2008 5:50PM

Barry, I think we can forgive Caroline Kennedy... even though we probably shouldn't. Let's take the high road on this one. Caroline Kennedy was like a little kid trying to pin the tail on the donkey for Christ's sakes. She was used by these inane strategy bastards. They blindfolded her & set her stumbling off down the breakdown lane of the Beltway w/ instructions to find a good, honest man who can help us heal this country.

Next thing you know, she comes back with "plastic Joe " in tow, the guy who's been helping the credit card industry steal this country. She basically drags in the equivalent of 100 feet of human anchor chain to wrap around the ankles of the Obama campaign. She couldn't help it , Barry, in my opinion.

She was raised to give a hand to the less fortunate , and a sad sack old bagman w/ his hourglass running out of sand fits the description. The nautical thing was a factor, too. You know what I'm talking about : Hyannis Port , spinnakers , don't go swimming until two hours after eating a bushel of fried clams , tying bowlines with one hand , tilting decks, spar varnish, starfish, and salt water spray in your hair. It all adds up. She was spawned by water people and she knows a genuine NON-boat rocker when she sees one.

The Kennedys were always big on acts of charity. She probably figures it would be good for Joe to spend his declining years in the company of a halfway decent human being like Obama.

Plus, in case Obama LOSES ... Joe B. will be the perfect guy , right up front beaming for the cameras just like nothing happened," We fought the good fight . Tonight, we have heard the voice of the American people from the tiny hamlets and the busy crossroads , from the small towns, the farming communities, and from the great urban centers of this nation. I might have wanted it to go the other way, but let me be the first to congratulate my good friend and maniacal counterpart... blah, blah.

We can't blame Caroline Kennedy.

Go read "Confessions of an ex-con (attendee)"

Was Tweety Covering Morning Jokes' Back?

What's in the water over there at MSNBC?

Is it the long, tedious hours of covering the Dog-and-Pony Show in Denver, or is word leaking in the corridors of Rockefeller Center that Keith Olbermann is King Cock there now, much to the chagrin of Morning Joke and Tweety.

Just the other day, Olbermann smacked down Morning Joke Scarborough.

And, last night, Olbermann and Tweety butted heads.

Now to set this up, virtually the entire day, cable news (and MSNBC, which I had on most of the time) had the Froth-O-Meter turned on "High", badgering each and every colleague, guest or passerby, if they had seen or read the "Hillary Speech" and then, with said colleague, guest or passerby, spend the next 15-minutes blabbering about what "Hillary should say" or "What should be in the speech.

(As a sidenote, it seemed I had bad timing, for just about each time I switched over to CNN, Wolf Blitzer was yelling for Jessica Yellin; He's in a closed set, and with a microphone, so why does he have to shout all time? And why are people always yelling at her?)

So, after Tweety gave a rather long prattle about Hillary, and the speech, Olbermann starts to go to guest Stenchy Hoyer, and in doing so, references Tweety's long-windedness with a "going off at the mouth here", including making a hand gesture, denoting talking too much.

As Hoyer begins to speak, you hear Tweety pull back his wings and start flapping them at Olbermann.

"You make that sound, Keith ... I could say the same thing about you"

Hoyer, noting the barb, got off a good one, saying "The good news is I am sitting by, and not standing by".

Matthews Gets Testy With Olbermann During




Hmmm ... Tweety playing Morning Jokes' wingman?

And, speaking of Morning Joke, he must still be a little touchy after the Olbermann slap down, for he got all puffed up, playing out the Charles Atlas-Kicking-Sand-In-Your-Face advertisement, jumping all over David Shuster, for Shuster challenging him to criticize "his party" and Stumblin' Bumblin' John McCain over the Iraq Pullout Timetable, you know, the one that The Commander Guy, everyone in the Bush Grindhouse, the Right Wing Freak Show labeled anyone who called for it a traitor, or appeaser, someone who wanted to lose the war.

It's here, and it runs about 10-minutes, but it's fun to see Morning Joke get all huffy.

Shuster vs Scarborough! Man Love in the Morning!

For Live Convention Blogging, Check Out Bob Cesca!

There is no dearth of news coming out of the convention, via MSM or the blogging world (go to Memeorandum, and wear waders).

Nor on the airwaves, with cable news employing resources and staff, that is only slightly higher then when a white woman goes missing.

So, lets us point out, above the fray, a voice or two you should check out.

Bob Cesca's Goddamn Awesome Blog! Go!

No, not our description, that is the name.

He's been going at it, giving minute-by-minute updates, marked with wry, and often, hysterical observations.

Liveblogging The DNC - Day One

8:14PM
Speaker Pelosi is making with the talking now. We heard her earlier as she was nominated as the chair of convention just prior to the ratification of the platform. And, by the way, she's wearing a lovely dentist smock.

Liveblogging The DNC - Day Two

9:38PM
My senator, Bob Casey, just delivered the line of the night so far:

"John McCain calls himself a maverick, but he votes with George Bush over 90 percent of the time. That's not a maverick. That's a sidekick!"

10:28PM
Governor Schweitzer of Montana is totally eviscerating Senator McCain on CSPAN. But of course the cable news networks are busy talking about how the Democrats aren't eviscerating Senator McCain. This is fucking horseshit. Here's Schweitzer:

"If you drill in all of John McCain's back yards -- even the ones he doesn't know he has... that single answer proposition is a dry well!"

Check it out ...

Also, take a spin by Dennis Perrin, for more on-the-money takes on the Denver Dog-and-Pony Show.

James Carville physically resembles an "X-Files" creature, his marble-mouth syntax harder than ever to decipher. Plus, he looks like he really doesn't give a shit about the convention. He's a Clinton crony, so he can't be happy about how the convention is shaking down, despite tonight being Hillary's big show. But overall, he just appears bored, phoning in his standard routines.
David Brooks acts like a balding, nearsighted hyena, baring his blunt fangs while making predictable, pre-chewed points. Jim Lehrer looks nearly dead, and no amount of pancake can make Mark Shields appear as if he's 98.6. Probably the freezer he's kept in between segments.

Go visit Dennis Perrin

Now This Was A Speech!

With the cable television nitwits wringing their hands, bemoaning that the Democrats are "blowing it", that for the first day-plus of the convention, they're not "gutting" the Bush-McSame regime, why wasn't this guy, and his speech, in prime time?

Wake up, America, indeed ...

Dennis Kucinich at the DNC: Wake Up America!



(H/T Barry Crimmins)

Get A Shovel! ... Olbermann Disses Scarborough, On-Air

We definitely want more Convention coverage like this!

This would make watching much, much more interesting ... Probably a ratings bonanza, as well ...

Oh God, this is hysterical.

Yesterday, at the Democratic Convention in Denver, Morning Joke, babbling on-and-on, how great Stumblin' Bumblin' John McCain is doing, when Keith Olbermann, on-air (via an open mic), drops him with;

"Jesus Joe, why don't you get a shovel ..."

OMG!

How refreshing!

It took Morning Joke a few seconds to put on the lip brakes, with a stunned "Excuse Me" look in his eyes.

This has to be a stake-in-the-ground, for all television host, anchors, moderators, et all.

Whenever they have a guest talking head on, and they start spouting out garbage, their erroneous talking points, said host needs to lean back, squint the eyes a bit, and dismissively, or with exasperation, jab "Jesus (fill in the name), why don't you get a shovel ..."

Challenge'em, don't just let the junk go unfiltered.

Just imagine, Wolf Blitzer, in his Curtis-Mathesesque-showroom-of-a-set, The Situation Room, suddenly interrupting one of his talking head guests with a "Excuse me, but put a sock in it ... "

Olbermann's live reaction and comment could herald in a new era.

Who woulda' thunk it - Morning Joke Scarborough could be part of changing the face of television coverage ...

Check it out ...

Olbermann: Jesus, Joe, Why Don't You Get a Shovel?




Bonus Convention and Morning Joke Riffs

Top Ten Cloves: Things Joe Scarborough Likes To Eat and Wear When Sitting At Computer

SilentPatriot: Does Scarborough Leave The Set After Rachel Maddow Hurts His Feelings?

John Amato: David Shuster smacks The Scar over his trying to pump “Bush’s foreign policy” as successful

Josh Marshall: Have Mercy, Have Mercy!

In The "Holy Cow" Dept; Denver Homeless Getting The Noonan "Full Detroit"

Hey Wolfson! ... Here's What The Clintons Need To Do!

Hillary Clinton is "The Most Fabulous Object In The World".

This madness has to stop.

WTF!

For the umpteenth-million time, Hillary Clinton lost the primary race, and she will not be the Democratic nominee for President in 2008!

Get over it, already!

The results, no matter how many times you stamp your feet, throwing tantrums, is not going to change that

Jesus ...

Wolfson penned a piece today - Smothering the Hatchet - and offered this;

Senator Obama would go a long way towards healing these wounds if he were to specifically praise the accomplishments of the Clinton presidency in a line or two during his speech on Thursday. That should be painless---he isn't running against the Clinton legacy anymore, and it would probably be a good idea to remind voters that the last time Democrats were in charge of the White House, we had peace and prosperity. Similarly, he could thank President Clinton for all of the work he did throughout his life to bridge the divides in our country. This is a cause near and dear to the president's heart.

Granted, Wolfson did say the Clintons needed to do a few things, blah, blah, blah, however, clearly, he is placing the onus on Obama.

Wolfson also takes a swipe at the media, saying they're stoking all this, yet, Wolfson joins with The Politico, and Little Billy Kristol, in extending this soap opera.

And, let's not forget, just a few weeks ago, Wolfson was pissing-and-moaning about John Edwards costing Hillary the nomination.

Barack Obama shouldn't have to do jack shit, to coddle, mollify or otherwise kiss-the-asses of the Clintons, the Clintonistas, or the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures ("Hillary is back! The keeper of the light! All hail Hillary! All hail Hillary! Oh Hillary can you see by the dawn's early light...").

Bill Clinton needs to stop his sniffling, and powder his make-up.

Get'em a box of Krispy Kremes, if that's what it takes.

Yes, he played the race card in the primaries and, OMG!, Obama campaigned, dissing the Clinton Presidency!

Why would Obama diss the Clinton Presidency?

HE WAS RUNNING AGAINST A CLINTON!

A Clinton who was touting her participation in that Clinton Presidency as the reason, at 3AM, and all other times, she should be the next President!

And Hillary, herself, stoked this, with her non-concession, concession speech, and, subsequently, endorsing (if not overtly, certainly by not saying no) this cathartic roll call non-sense.

Jesus ... These people.

Here, Wolfson, is what the Clinton's need to do in Denver.

Firmly, directly, redundantly, state their undying support for Barack Obama for President in 2008.

Both Clintons need to address their cave-dwelling supporters, that if they, truly, are going to go out and vote for Stumblin' Bumblin' John McCain, than they need to stop referring to themselves as Clinton supporters, as Clintonistas, as Grand Central Station Locker Creatures ("Hillary is back! The keeper of the light! All hail Hillary! All hail Hillary! Oh Hillary can you see by the dawn's early light..."), and Democrats ...

Then, they can catch a ride with Joe Lieberman, go officially join the Republican Party, and fuck off ...


Bonus Hillary Lost/Get Over It Links

Chris Cillizza: Placating the Clintons

Sarah Wildman: Will Hillary Clinton be a spoiler? - As disheartening as Clinton's loss is to her supporters, backing McCain is a disservice to feminism and Clinton's own efforts

Greg Sargent: Howard Wolfson Confirms Rift Between Bill Clinton And Obama

Matthew Mosk: Clinton Advisers Skipping Obama Speech

M.J. Rosenberg: Why Is This Nominee Different Than Every Other Nominee?

In The "Holy Cow" Dept; Denver Homeless Getting The Noonan "Full Detroit"

Not exactly 'My Man Godfrey', but not too far off, either.

Now, last week, that big chief Reagan Groupie, Peggy Noonan, used her column to sigh that she "didn't know the candidates" that there was a loss of "placeness" (see our "For Peggy Noonan, Next Stop, Willoughby!").

She also extended her foggy amnesia to the possible vice-presidents, and riffed this;

But part of me tugs for Tim Kaine of Virginia, because he has a wonderful American Man haircut, not the cut of the man in first but the guy in coach who may be the air marshal. He looks like he goes once every 10 days to Jimmy Hoffa's barber and says, "Gimme a full Detroit."

So, it appears the City of Denver was reading, and have been "placing" its' homeless into the barber's chair, to spiff them up with that "full Detroit", for the convention next week.

Homeless Get Cleaned Up With Free Haircuts For DNC

It seems to be a first -- don't move the homeless, clean them up. That was the work of one salon and the recipients didn't even seem to care if the Democrats were coming to town. Sly's Salon at 17th and Grant was offering free haircuts to the homeless Monday.

"To give them haircuts and make them all spiffed up for the Democratic National Convention, because they are part of our community as well," said Ghandia Gohnson, co-owner of Sly's Salon

All sounds nice, except there's also a competition, of sorts related to the homeless, in that, the city, apparently, would prefer they get their "full Detroits" and keep moving - out of town.

Some Homeless Believe A Crackdown Is On For DNC

One week before the Democratic National Convention, CBS4 cameras were rolling as police moved in on a group of homeless people. Some of the homeless believe police are cracking down because of the convention.

"Where are we going to hide our homeless during the convention? The short answer: We don't hide the homeless -- ever," Denver police and homeless advocates said in Denver's newspaper written by the homeless.

The city says it is encouraging the homeless to take part in the convention week activities for the public

"Encouraging the homeless to take part in the convention week activities ..."

I'm sure the DNC is thrilled to hear that

Yeah, right, just like our movie character, Godfrey Smith, some swank Dem convention goers will swing by and pick up some of these homeless and have the go to the swank parties as their guests.

Is that what the City of Denver has in mind?

And, are these free haircuts just for next week, during the time of the convention, or is it the beginning of a new, year-round, all-the-time, program?

You know, for all the hype, all the choreographed, coordinated "real moments", for all the obscene amounts of money required , and spent, for all the phony, hypocritical, compassion cities (and the convention itself) expend (such as, say, free haircuts for their homeless population), the two political parties should just go and rent out some studio back lots, and build their squeaky-clean sets for whatever their theme or visions are that given year, and spare all of us of this mockery.

I wonder, if the city is saying to its' homeless, as they uneasily slide into the barber chair, the same thing Irene says to Godfrey, regarding their pending marriage;

"Stand still, Godfrey, it'll all be over in a minute."

Bonus Shave-and-A-Haircut Links

Denver's homeless get free haircuts to look good for Obama and his Democrats

Denver's Homelessness Plan

Denver rids parks of homeless meals; charity says DNC is to blame

How Denver will hide its homeless during the Democratic convention

Hey buddy, can you spare a movie ticket?






















Bonus Bonus

If you want to avoid the over-produce ending to the Olympics, and the dog-and-pony show that will the Democratic Convention next week, and huddle up with a tremendous, classic screwball comedy, that go and get 'My Man Godfrey' (and, if you can, since it's been colorized, try to get the original B&W).

It's hysterical, with wonderful turns by William Powell and Carole Lombard (and any movie with the gravel-voiced Eugene Pallette is usually a winner) and, as noted on IMDB, "This is the only movie to ever get Oscar nominations for writing, directing and all four acting awards without being nominated for Best Picture. It's also the only movie to ever get those six nominations and lose them all."

Here's the opening 10-minutes, if you need a preview;

My Man Godfrey (1936) 1of9

Unity? ... Show Me The Money!

Taking the day off (too much going on in the homefront, including having to attend a wedding later today), however, the largely heralded "Unity" dog-and-pony show yesterday bears a riff.

Yes, they got the photos they wanted, the soundbites they wanted heard, and all was "We Are Family".

Hillary Rocks!!

Yet, behind the scenes, Hillary is still playing TMFOITW.

Reports are she is "negotiating" to make the convention all about HER, husband Bill is said to be in a snit, feeling dissed (self-inflicted IMHO), and there's the Grand Central Station Locker Creatures, the Hillarylanders ("Hillary is back! The keeper of the light! All hail Hillary! All hail Hillary! Oh Hillary can you see by the dawn's early light..."), clamoring that Barack Obama should pay off Hillary's campaign debt.

Unity, right?

Seems like this is the song they should have been playing yesterday;

Dusty Springfield - You Don't Have To Say You Love Me

Stay Tuned ...

Maybe Marvel Comics Can Put Out A Special Edition ... The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll

Oh, think of the possibilities ...

The Fantastic Four, descending upon Denver, for the Democrats convention, out and determined to keep the process fair and just.

Then, suddenly, they appear ... The school-bus-yellow-pant-suited Superdelegates ...

Will Sue Storm throw up a force field to hold them at bay?

Does Johnny Storm merely point a flaming finger at them, incinerating the Superdelegates on the spot?

Ben Grimm, will he do his "Thing", thing and crush them?

Maybe, carnage will be avoided, with Reed Richards, as Mister Fantastic (well, Mister Fantastic #2, if Barack Obama happens to be around) stretches out his neck, supervising the Superdelegates, checking all their ballots, snooping on their conversations, and, to the chagrin of Human Torch, and Thing, reasons with the Superdelegates to do the right thing ...

Hmmm ... Maybe Marvel Comics can put out a Special Edition ...

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll February 17 - February 25, 2008

With so much confusing talk about them, most people think Superdelegates are ...

1. Arch enemy to the Fantastic Four Tally 28%

2. New strain of the Flu Tally 26%

3. Brand of steroids Roger Clemens took Tally 22%

4 (Tie). Retro 1970's disco group Tally 12%

4 (Tie). What Heather Mills wants in her divorce from Paul McCartney Tally 12%

This week’s Poll - For Mitt Romney to jump back in the Presidential Race, he needs to ...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote


Super Bonus Links

2008 Democratic National Convention

2008 Democratic Convention Watch

Walter Shapiro/Salon: A non-paranoid's guide to superdelegates; Rather than an anti-Obama cabal, these Democratic insiders are the ultimate tiebreakers

CNN: Superdelegates loom over Democratic race

Sarah Lai Stirland/Wired: Superdelegates Under the Spotlight

David Welna/All Things Considered: Superdelegates May Break Democrats' Dead Heat

Gail Russell Chaddock/CSM: If superdelegates pick nominee, Democrats face backlash