Monday 14 March 2005

Disney Picks Iger but Eisner Says He Won't Go; Digging In For Fight

The Walt Disney Co. announced yesterday that President Robet Iger will succeed Micheal Eisner as its' Chief Executive, but, in a separate release, Eisner declared that he's not leaving.

A combative Eisner indicated "…they can't push me out…" and is taking steps to cement his post.

For month's, Eisner has been solidifying his Disney stock holdings and Eisner called for an emergency meeting of the Disney board to vote immediately on changing the name of the company to The Michael Eisner Co.

"I built Disney to what it is today", offered Eisner. "If it wasn't for me, that little (#X&&!) mouse would be chasing his tail - in black-and-white".

The appoinment of Iger, who's served as President for the past five-years, ends Eisner's stormy and tumultuous two-decade reign. It was scheduled for Eisner to depart next year and insiders are speculating that moving Iger in early is an attempt to block Eisner from seizing the company.

Under Eisner, Disney has grown to over 100,000 employees, has a global network of theme parks, the vaunted Disney film library and expanded into televison, gobbling up ESPN and the ABC Network.

There's also been its' share of chaos as the doings and bombast of Eisner have become Hollywood legend, including the very public spat with Roy Disney, brother of founder Walt, and with the particularly revealing and embarassing lawsuit over the hiring and firing of former Disney President, Michael Ovitz.

Unconfirmed reports have Eisner rushing into production, remakes of the Disney classics, 'Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs' and 'Sleeping Beauty', with the dwarves and the Prince being drawn in Eisner's likeness.

Additionally, ABC will launch a news and entertainment magzine show, devoted soley to Eisner's work and career. Reportedly, ABC executives are deriding the project as 'Must Like Mike TV'.

"This (#X&&!) kid is staying in the (#X&&!) picture", boasted Eisner.

Rose Cashes In On Steroid Scandel

ESPN is reporting that former Cincinnati Red's great Pete Rose, baseball's exiled hero, is said to have cashed in for millions, on a bet that the steroid scandal would surface before the 2005 season and players and management would be called before Congress to testify.

Rose, banned from baseball for betting on games, including his own team when he managed the Reds, placed the bet four years ago at an undisclosed Las Vegas casino. Odds were given on when the steroid scandal would break and Rose took the extra step of adding on the rider, at 5-1 odds, as to the call before Congress.

One source with knowledge of the bet indicated that Rose "laid down a lot of green".

Rose, and Major League Baseball officials could not be reached for comment.


Youths Nabbed In Corporate Icon Hit
MSN Butterfly, Geiko Tortured; Had Long List of Targets

Local and federal authorities have taken into custody two Stockton, California teenagers, after what reports indicate, a murdureous rampage against corporate icons.

Microsoft's MSN Butterfly, and Geico's Geiko were brutally attacked and tortured, according to police. And, found on one of the juvenilles' computer was a long list of other targets the youths were alledgedly going after. The names of the youths, or their alledged targets were not released, as the FBI indicated it is still an active crime scene and investigation.

Microsoft released a statement, indicating only that the MSN Butterfly was in "serious and guarded condition". Geico refused comment and unconfirmed reports have that the geiko died after furious life-saving measures were taken. Once source indicated that it appeared the geiko's natural camouflage abilities failed him during the attack.

Little is known about the two teens, or why they launched what authorities describe as 'brutal and heinous acts' against innocent icons.

A local Stockton newspaper is reporting on their website that as one of the youths was being taken into police headquarters for questioning, he shouted to the throng of media;

"They kept asking us where we wanted to go today … So, we showed'em …"

Top Ten Cloves: Excuses Baseball Will Use To Avoid Testifying To Congress

10. Have a note from Abner Doubleday saying they don't have to answer to anyone

9. Demanding waiver to play Fungo in Capital Rotunda

8. Need more time to see how they can spin this into something the fans will pay money for

7. Waiting to hear back from Congress if Curt Schilling can wear his bloody sock at hearings

6. Threaten to counter and call their own hearings on Ted Kennedy's drinking

5. Negotiating that, in middle of hearings, panel will get up and do The Wave

4. Trying to line-up Alex Rodriguez to run through Congress and knock papers out of Chairman's hands

3. Hey, did you know that congressman can get into any Major League Baseball game for free?

2. Lobbying President Bush to add to bill Private Steroid Accounts

1. Players can't sit for long periods; Asses hurt from getting steroid shots

Friday 11 March 2005

Groundhog Lied; Investigation Launched

With more snow and unseasonable cold forcast for much of the North and Northeast through the weekend, officials in Punxsutawney, PA are launchiing an investigation and, embarassingly, may have to announce a longer winter.

Charges have been made that Punxsutawney Phil, the infamous prognosticating marmot, didn't see his shadow, but the shadow of one of his handlers, or other revelers this past February 1st, otherwise known as Groundhog Day.

So says Elmer Johnson, 59, a long-time critic of the 119-year-old festival that has a groundhog, fondly known as Punxsutawney Phil, being pulled out of a hutch and declaring the length of winter left based on whether he sees his shadow. Thousands flock to this small Pennsylvania burg in what has become a major media event, including a popular 1993 movie starring Bill Murray.

"No way that rodent saw his own shadow" declared Johnson, an unempolyed electrician. "His eyes were closed … Maybe he peeked but with so many people around, there's no way you could tell who's shadow it was".

Johnson claims to have evidence, saying he taped the entire program, both at his home on a VCR and, as part of the throng with his cellphone camera.

Town officials were stunned by the allegations and in a terse statement, indicated they will investigate Johnson's charges.

"Besides", Johnson stated, "it's a rodent ... I mean, all you have to do is look at a calendar to figure out how much winter is left … What's next - we going to have a dog determine how hot a summer we're going to have?



Jackson Family In Deal To Launch New Wine

Regardless of their son's trial outcome, and, in part, to help pay his skyrocketing legal fees, the family of Michael Jackson has signed a deal with an undisclosed vineyard to launch Jesus Juice.

A family spokesperson indicated Jesus Juice, a Merlot and a Chardonney, will be hitting the shelves by summer, and will be available in both corked bottes and pop-open cans. There are no plans at this time to use Michael Jackson, or his image in the marketing campaign and no decision has been reached yet if Michael's sister, Janet Jackson, will be involved.

According to the spokesperson, Jesus Juice, has done remarkably well in focus groups and random, blind taste tests. Even the concept of offering Jesus Juice in a can has won praise. Scores in the tests noted that people responded it would be easier to pack in coolers, or carry in a handbag or pocket.

When asked about having this product associate with the sorrid allegations brought out in the trial, the spokesperson offered;

'C'mon man, it's Jesus Juice …"

Top Ten Cloves: Why You Don't Want To Become A Fat Actress

10. Your tatoos will look like billboards

9. Congress might subpeona you about steroid use

8. You'll get stuck doing Pier One and Christmas Tree Shop commercials

7. Governor Schwarzenegger will ridicule you, using you as a example in his Junk Food campaign

6. Producers of Fat Albert will hound you to do the sequel

5. Actor pals will snicker behind your back - Million-Pound Baby

4. Because of your size, people will think you won the Los Angeles Mayor race

3. President Bush will make you start two Private Retirement Accounts

2. Two words of caution - Freeway and Weigh-Stations

1. Blame weight gain on nerves; You, along with Russell Crowe, were a terrorist target

Thursday 10 March 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Bush Team Prepares Call For New Axis of Evil Member

The Garlic has learned that the Bush Administration is putting together a Request For Proposal (RFP) to sollict a new country to join the Axis of Evil. The proposal is said to be in the final stages and may be released as early as next week.

With the seemingly successful transition to freedom and democracy, Iraq will soon be de-listed from the Axis of Evil, leaving the vacany that the administration would like to see filled at the earliest. With new budgets to be drawn, and alarming, fear-inducing rhetoric to be written, the administration is uncomfortable leaving a hole of this size open for too long.

Along with Iraq, North Korea and Iran are the other two members.

One source close to talks speculated on who may join the Axis of Evil.

"There's not a lot of good candidates out there … One's that would qualify … We can rule out the Sudan, they're too busy … Russia is signaling that they may like to bring back the Cold War … Syria is making some noise but a number of committee member feel they're dragging their feet on the pullout as a way to neogiate some better terms …"

The source indicated that newly appointed Intelligence Czar John Negroponte has been dispatched to Central and South America, to meet with old contacts and gage interest on having a Latin country join the Axis.

'The administration would love to have a Spanish-speaking country in the Axis. That would open the door to tie it in with the right-wing Cubans in Florida … Maybe some back-door subsidies …"

Some of the conditions of the proposal were leaked to The Garlic. They include;

- Having a large square or central meeting place and the ability to mobilize 100,000+ citizens to it and chant anti-American slogans

- A televison network (state-run or private) that can promote your Axis of Evil qualities and rail against the United States

- Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or Nuclear Weapons.

There is a rider on having Weapons of Mass Destruction and/or the Nuclear Weapons. This new Axis of Evil member wouldn't actually have to have them, but they will need to sign on that they will say they have them.

The RFP will direct countries interested in joining the Axis to a special CIA website, where the can download the RFP in pdf format and, if they act within a certain period of time, there are some extra's they can take advantage of.

One is the State Deparment will produce a custom video or DVD for the new Axis member, of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld disparaging them as a rogue nation and laying out a possible plan of invasion, for their internal use only.

There's a second pacakge, for a large fee, that includes the video, and also, that Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice will go to the United Nations, detail their Weapons of Mass Destruction, and set a deadline, that will ignore the United Nations Security Council, for invasion.

The proposal has been approved by Britian's Tony Blair and a number of other members of the European Union, though it's unclear if the French are behind it.

"The President", offered the source, "is inclined to forgo the process and just place France in the Axis … It wouldn't take much to get him slamming Chirac …"


Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent

In winning the ruling last week that three blogs must disclose their sources on articles they published with details, in advance of its' release, about Apple's new Mini iPod, CEO Steve Jobs has mapped out an extensive campaign to squash all rumors, criticism and dissent against Apple.

Critics of the plan, some inside Apple, suggest that Jobs is modeling Apple in the image of rival Microsoft.

With tremendous cashflow coming from iTunes and iPods sales, Jobs has put an unprecidented number of lawyers on retainer - some with specific First Admendment backgrounds - and is targeting all major media, blogs, community newsletters and personal emails.

Apple will also set up a special hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple or any Apple products.

Changes will be coming with iTunes as well. The purchase price will remain at .99, for those willing to sign a contract that they will not badmouth Apple. Otherwise, the purchase of a tune will cost $99 and Apple will create a dossier on that purchaser and monitor there actions and communications.

Ipods will now be outfitted with special senors to detect a batch of keywords related to dissent about Apple. If any of these keywords are used, the iPod shuts down, and sends a signal - much like a Lojack - for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve the iPod owner with a lawsuit.

Editor's Note: As we filed and posted this story, The Garlic was served papers, demanding we disclose who inside Apple suggested that Apple is becoming like Microsoft.

Top Ten Cloves: Signs That Congress Is On Steroids

10. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is now using a sledge hammer for a gavel

9. You have to wrestle the Sergeant at Arms to get onto the floor

8. Rep. Wally Herger: Last Year - Wrote 3 Bills; This Year - 25 Bills

7. Instead of Tax Cuts, Congress now only interested in huge USDA Choice cuts of meat

6. House Armed Services Committee now armed-to-the-teeth

5. Sen. John McCain ripped Lincoln out of his chair at the memorial and put chair in his office

4. Sen. Ted Stevens proposing legislation for more nudity on television

3. New sub-committee - Ways and Means of getting Balco Steroids

2. Replaced filibusters with Cage of Steel Death Matches

1. Sen. Bill Frist was caught giving Sen. Trent Lott a shot in the ass

Wednesday 9 March 2005

Red Sox Sue Colorado Town Over Frozen Body Rights

The small town of Nederland, Colorado, about 35-miles outside of Boulder, have been served 'Cease-and-Desist' papers from the World Champion Boston Red Sox, over their Frozen Dead Guy Festival.

Trygve Bauge froze the body of his grandfather, "Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel, in 1989, on the hope of someday reviving or cloning him. In 2002, as an effort to increase tourism, the town of Nederland began celebrating Frozen Dead Guy Days.

The Red Sox charge that this is an infringement on their trademark, intellectual and property rights. Since the death of former star, Ted Williams, the last major league player to bat .400, in July of 2002, the Red Sox say they own the rights to Frozen Dead Guy. William's has been cryogenically perserved at a facility in Arizona.

Bauge could not be reached and it's unclear if "Grandpa" Bredo Morstoel played baseball, or batted over .400.


Boeing Exec Tried To Start Runway Club

Sources to The Garlic have found that former Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, forced out on Monday for ethics violations by the Boeing board for a consensual affair he conducted with another Boeing executive, was out to establish 'The Runway Club'.

Long the legend in the airline business, the Mile High Club, claims hundreds-of-scores of members, those who conducted affairs on aircrafts while flying.

Stonecipher, a long-time airline industry member, first with McDonnell Douglas, believed that those in the airline industry who didn't fly, who worked on the ground, deserved a club. Though unconfirmed, membership in the 'Runway Club' is said to dwarf the numbers of the Mile High Club.

Boeing officials would neither confirm or deny the existence of the Runway Club.

Stonecipher said that he is proud of his work and intends to stay as a member in the Runway Club.


Study Shows Clams Not Happy At All

In a report released today, from a joint study by Harvard University and the Cape Cod Oceanic Institute, a long-held belief was dispelled - Clams are not happy at all.

The study, conducted over three years, from 2001-2004, covered a wide variety of clams, hard and soft shell, from both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, as well as Chesapeake Bay. The bivalves studied include Geoduck, Quahog, Razor, Steamer, Surf, Butter, Pismo.

Researchers offered that clams scooped from beds in deep waters, versus those clams forced to live low-tide sands, had a better dispostion, but not what one would call 'happy'. In monitoring their behavior and movements, reseachers believe that most clams have a sense that they will end up as someone's dinner - be it other species of fish, or in a pot at a traditional clam bake.

Top Ten Cloves: Dan Rather's Final Anchor Broadcast

10. A stumble, shirt rumbled, tie askew, cigarette dangling from mouth and cocktail glass on desk - Screw the news, let's party!

9. Looking overweight; Says he has guest spot lined up on Fat Actress

8. A simple 'Goodbye'; Camera follows him out of building and watches as he gets in spaceship and takes off

7. Bewildered; Extreme Makeover came in and redesigned set for a new CBS Reality show in the works

6. Flashes 800 Number at bottom of screen and say he's taking bets on the Michael Jackson case

5. Arm wrestles Mike Wallace

4. Looking buff, will announce has been taking steroids and has try out with Chicago Cubs

3. Will spend the entire 30-minutes defending that he had the Bush National Guard story straight

2. Flashes 900 Number at bottom of screen for new job: Psychic Dan Hotline

1. Irony - Will go retro and deliver the news as Grandfather Clock

Tuesday 8 March 2005

Despite Hype, Martha's First Day 'Pretty Average'

Aside for the intense media present, and a brief photo op, Martha Stewart's first day back at work was a routine day, as with any new employee.

According to officials at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, Martha received no special treatment.

Stewart was not yet wearing her monitoring ankle bracelet and officials dismissed concerns that the bracelet may cause disruption to some of the company's technolgy and wireless equipment, including cellphones.

Stewart reported to Human Resources, filled out the application and insurance forms and then attended a 2-hour company orientation, a 30-minute 401K seminar and a 1-hour training on the company's telephone and computer systems. As with all employees, Stewart receives two 15-minute breaks and is alloted one-hour for lunch and was shown how to use the Time Card Machine.

This was followed with being taken to lunch and meeting some of the other company officials she will be working with.

Stewart then spent the afternoon at her post, and with assistance from administrators and assistants, worked on getting familiar with her new tasks.


Hawk and Weapons Expert Get's Bush Nod for U.N. Post.

President Bush, yesterday, displayed his commitment to finding Weapons of Mass Destruction with his choice of John R. Bolton to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

Bolton has been a blunt critic of the U.N and international diplomacy overall, with his views closely in line with Cabinet members Vice President Dick Cheney, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina was once Bolton's mentor.

Bolton offered in a brief interview, that unlike former Secretary of State Colin Powell, he would have no qualms with presenting to the United Nations false, doctored or otherwise shoddy intelligence if it offered the chance to invade another country.

Administration officials declared that the choice of Bolton demonstrates the President's "strong commitment to finding Weapons of Mass Destruction - in Iraq, Iran, North Korea, or wherever they may be".



Yahoo Considers Internet Telephone Service

Search and portal giant, Yahoo, is entering the internet telephone business with a VoIP offering, sources close to The Garlic discovered. VoIP (voice over Internet Protocol) is a fast-growing technology, allowing users to make and receive telephone calls via their computers.

The plan calls for the traditional ring to be replaced with Yahoo's trademark, 'Yaaaahooooo' when an incoming call comes in. Additionally, ads may appear during your conversation, incoming or outgoing, based on the content of your conversation, or simply by the number your dialed. Another feature allows you to make a direct call, or you can do a random call, based on the results of the search, via Yahoo's search portal.

Yahoo officials declined comment.

Top Ten Cloves: How Howard Stringer Will Revive Sony

10. Was always partial to Betamax - Time to bring it back!

9. Build up Asian market. Add program to Playstation so players can order sushi

8. Call in favor to Letterman. Place Sony logo on desk

7. Good timing - Dan Rather's looking for work, see if there's a post for him

6. Note: Can't spend time at doctor's; Call contractor to enlarge doorways

5. Develop TV Reality show - Westerner takes over Japanese company; Go heavy with Saki and Karaoke segments

4. Instruct all Japanese employees to stop bowing - Unproductive - time better spent working

3. Throw in some extra footage and re-release all Sony Picture films as 'Director Cuts

2. Call in favor to Toby Maguire: Must dress as Spiderman 24/7/365

1. Say sayonara to Vaio and Hello to sPod

Monday 7 March 2005

Rumsfeld Defends Shooting Italians

In a candid press conference, in which he interviewed himself, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld defended the shooting of the Italian diplomat this past weekend.

"Hostage rescuing isn't pretty", stated Rumsfeld.

"Given the situation, I wouldn't go racing around in the middle of the night - in the middle of a war zone - with my lights out and a rescued hostage in the back seat? … I wouldn't defy an order to stop with a gun pointed at me? … Would I even be in Iraq in the first place?

"I mean, would I make sure my auto had armor? Would I have a ceritifed, qualified driver?

"Did the Italian shoot first? …Were the Italians yelling and hooping it up the way those people like to celebrate? … These are the type of questions we need to find the answers to before we go jumping off bridges, saying the American's did this, or the American's did that … "

"It's a terrible, terrible, thing … This … War business …It's an untidy business".

Rumsfeld went on, blaming the Italians for extending World War II and saying, squintingly " …. I just couldn't believe … couldn't fathom … how they lost to South Korea in the 1966 World Cup … Unbelieveable …It would be like … as if Sadam's rag-tag army beat us"


Syrian Pullout Hinges on Moving Van Backlog

In a telephone call yesterday, Syrian President Bashar Assad of Syria assured U.S. President Bush that he was working on an early withdrawal from Lebanon, but was facing a crisis of a lack of moving vans.

"It's been terrible", Assad told a group of reporters. "Benkins, Allied, United Vans … They're pricing is outrageous … And, I hear they are not very careful with the things they move - and you know what it's like filing a claim with a moving company"

"Plus, we have the Gaza Strip thing going on and they're telling me they have a lot of reservations for their vans … In another month, we have the students moving out, going home for the summer …"

When it was suggested that Syria move itself out of Lebanon, Assad offered that wouldn't be as easy as it sounds.

Assad indicated that many of the small trucks and vans they have are outfitted for war, with gun mounts and grenade launchers, so they could only move small things "dishes, glasses, odds-and-ends".

"We'd have to bring in the supplies, you know … the boxes … the bubblewrap … We lost the only Mailbox Etc. back in the '86 bombing … UPS has promised to open a store here but hasn't done so yet … I guess we'll have to go on eBay and see what we can come up with …"

Top Ten Cloves: Signs The Government Is Screwing with Your Private Retirement Account

10. President Bush goes on television and blames you for the trouble with Social Security

9. Strongly suggests you start working on Saturdays to help build the account up

8. Sends Governor Schwarzenegger to your house to "collect" the interest

7. You discover Speaker of House Dennis Hastert is charging his meals at swank restaurant to your account

6. No Monthly Statement; You get voicemails from Secretary of Treasury John Snow laughing at you

5. Instead of nest egg, government promises you special chocolate egg with Presidential Seal on it

4. You get signed photo in mail of special Congressional junket to Aruba, thanking you for letting them use your Frequent Flyer Milage

3. Threatens to put you and your family in the Extraordinary Rendition program unless you start saving more

2. Sets your Personal Retirement Age at 86

1. You get email from Nigerian Prince offering to help you to get your money

Friday 4 March 2005

Millionaire Flyer Charged With Security Violations

Shortly after his landing yesterday, from his world-record solo flight of around-the-world without refueling, millionaire Steve Fossett was greated with champagne and marching bands. And two federal marshalls, who arrested Fossstt on security violations.

Homeland Security officials have charged Fossett with numerous infractions, including bypassing security screenings for himself and his luggage, carrying a knife, boxcutter, cigarette lighter and other sharp tools, ignoring flight rules and 'Fasten Seat Belt' signs, excessive drinking and unconfirmed reports of smoking on a No Smoking flight.

Officials are reviewing film and video of Fossett's flight for possible additional charges.

Late last night, Virgin Air founder Richard Branson, sponsor of Fossett's flight, posted bail for Fossett and both left without comment.


Charity Raises $650G For New Monkey Name

An online auction, run by Charity Folks in New York, to benefit a South American habitat, raised nearly $650,000 for the rights to name a new species of the titi monkey.

The winning bidder remained annoymous in the online event, that included TV host Ellen DeGeneres participating in the bidding

The International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature will oversee the naming process, as rules are in place for the integrity of a unique and scientifically-accepted name.

Early reports have the new species being named 'Bernie Ebbers', 'Paris Hilton', 'Pauly Shore' or 'Jeff Gannon'. Both the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature and Charity Folks decline confirmation or comment

Top Ten Cloves: Things Bill Gates Will Do With His Knighthood

10. Anchor the British Navy in San Francisco Bay and challenge Steve Jobs to a duel

9. New screensavers of Queen Elizabeth sitting on flying toasters

8. All searches on MSN must be addressed with 'Sire'

7. Declare the Microsoft campus in Redmond Extradition-Free and offer Safe Haven to Martha Stewart

6. Have his developers figure out how to put Longhorn features into suit of armor

5. Digitize the clock in the Tower of London

4. Forcast increase in sales; Issue order all Britians must purchase Microsoft products

3. File motions to dismiss remaining lawsuits against Microsoft, claiming Diplomatic Immunity

2. Fund for Great Britian a plan to invade and take back all the old British colonies

1. Develop new game for Xbox staring himself - and he always wins!

Thursday 3 March 2005

Volkswagan Halts Call For Drivers

Citing strong sales, and concern over the driving habits of some of it's customers, Volkswagan is ending it's call for 'Drivers Wanted'.

Since the re-introduction of its' Beattle model, as well as the popular Jetta, Golf and the new Touareg models, Volkwagan sales have soared. Volkswagen's call for 'Drivers Wanted' has brought a hodge-podge of drivers into the Volkswagen family

In a statement released today, Dr. Bernd Pischetsrieder, CEO of Volkswagan, cited that "Volkswagan has all the drivers it needs" and has directed the world-wide divisions to stop calling for more 'Drivers Wanted'.

Sources indicated that Dr. Pischetsrieder was particularly distressed at learning of some of the driving habits of Volkswagan owners and has asked his staff to develop a program where Volkswagan could attract better drivers.


Third of Americans Unaware of New Month

A new USAToday/CNN poll offers that 37% of Americans are unaware that February has ended and March has begun.

In a wide, cross-country sampling, the poll yielded, overall, that 58% of the country hasn't turned their calendars from February to March, 24% still have January showing as the current month, and 3% still write 2004 in their correspondence or on checks.

Additional information from the poll showed that 18% of respondents have 'Joke-of-the-Day' calendars, and 15% have 'This-Day-In-History Calendars. Only 3% of the respondents admitted to still having 'Garlfield' desk calendars.


Stunning Gaffe By Queen Has England in Uproar

By all accounts, it was a stunningly bad day for Buckingham Palace as Great Britian is roiling today over the unprecedented gaffe by Queen Elizabeth

In ceremonies yesterday, the Queen mistakenly bestowed Microsoft founder Bill Gates with an honorary Knighthood that was intended for four native sons, and world-famous guitarists - Brian May, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck - whom the Queen didn't recognize.

The guests, which included Phil Collins, Charlotte Church, Cilla Black, Shirley Bassey, Roger Daltrey and Geri Halliwell, were totally surprised as the Queen dubbed Gates a Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire.

Gates will get to keep his honoray title (but, as a US citizen, is not entitled to be addressed as 'Sir') and another ceremony will be rescheduled for the guitarists.

The one positive note from the gaffe is that Gates, by way of the Knighthood, is invited to the wedding of Prince Charles. Buckingham Palace has been feverishly soliciting guests to attend the wedding and hasn't ruled out offering more Knighthoods to beef up the list, which currently stands at seven.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things WorldCom's Bernie Ebbers Didn't Know

10. He was on Paris Hilton cellphone list that got hacked

9. Chris Rock hosted the Oscars this year

8. They broke up AT&T?

7. Martha Stewart is in jail

6. Thought minutes were about clocks, not meetings

5. How to use the telephone system and voicemail; Still has hand-crank phone at home in Mississippi.

4. That the Red Sox won the World Series last year

3. Wow, you're supposed to keep records?

2. J-Lo and Ben Afflack broke up

1. You're kidding, I was in charge of the whole company?

Wednesday 2 March 2005

Fiorina, Wolfowitz Head List For World Bank

Carli Fiorina, who was fired from her job as head of Hewlett Packard last month and Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul D. Wolfowitz are among the candidate to be the next President of the World Bank.

Fiorina, the only woman on the list, has expressed interest in the job and has detailed her priorities for the position. One of her first acts for the World Bank would be to lead a hostile take-over of Hewlett Packard.

Having run Hewlett Packard for six-years, and includling leading the purchase of former rival Compaq Computer, Fiorina has the big management experience, as well as the detailed knowledge of the inner workings of HP.

Though he has expressed interest, it's doubtful that the Bush Administration would give permission for Wolfowitz to take the post. There's also the likely opposition of European leaders, who would block the nomination.

In a brief interview, Wolfowitz did offer that he has hired he lobbying group, USA Next, the same group that worked with the Swift Boat Veterans during last years' presidental campaign, to help him explore his options.

Wolfowitz indicated that one of his first priorities in the post would be to see the World Bank invade Iran.



Day Three of Swank Thank You's; No End In Sight

In winning her second Oscar at Sunday's Academy Awards for her role of boxer Maggie Fitzgerald in 'Million Dollar Baby', actress Hillary Swank is now in Day Three of thanking people.

Swank spent the balance of Sunday evening and all day Monday thanking director (who also won an Oscar) Clint Eastwood, the town of Carmel, California, and even the handlers of the chimpanze in an earlier Eastwood film, 'Every Which Way But Loose'.

Swank's publicity agent has started posting a daily schedule with the anticipated thank you's Swank will deliver.

Everyone, from the trailer park she grew up in, teachers, school companions, summer camp councilors, and former babysitters have received a 'thank you' from Swank. For a three-hour stretch on Tueday, Swank thanked her drycleaner, supermarket bag boy, and even the people she stood in line with at Starbucks.



Nadar In Early Lobby To Take Pope's Seat

Souces to The Garlic have indicated that Ralph Nader may be lining up to take a run at winning the office of the Pope. The uncertain status of Pope John Paul's health has the perinial candidate stumping in Italy.

Nadar has been seen in the Vatican, and Rome, conducting focus groups, and having lunch with high-powered officials who may be influential with the College of Cardinals.

Though not a Roman Catholic, Nadar feels he's ideally suited for the position, having been a long-time champion of unpopular causes, and an advocate of corporate, political and environmental reforms.

Not confirmed, the sources indicate, is that Nader has submitted an official application to be included in the debates the College of Cardinal may conduct if the need to choose a new Pope arises.

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons CBS Colleagues Don't Watch Dan Rather

10. Had the CSI people investigate him and found some very disturbing things

9. Went on a three-day rant that Peter Jennings stole his UFO idea

8. March Madness to them is a staff meeting with Rather - any month of the year

7. Enters office pools but never puts in any money

6. Tuned him out after he said he thought Jeff Gannon was asking "important" questions

5. Has been stealing Mike Wallace's Wall Street Journal every morning for years

4. Saw 'Million Dollar Baby' the first day and came into office and told everyone the ending

3. Haven't trusted him since the 'frequency' incident

2. Blame him for pushing Walter Cronkite out the door

1. Many know he's sitting behind the news desk with no pants on

Tuesday 1 March 2005

American Idol, Clear Channel To Go With All-Beyonce Format

Following her ubiquitous appearance at the 77th Academy Awards program Sunday evening, where she sang three of the five Best Song nominations, Beyonce has signed a multi-million-dollar deal to appear on American Idol.

In a separate agreement inked yesterday, Clear Channel announced they will switch their 1,200-station empire to an All-Beyonce format.

On American Idol, while constantents will continue to sign-up for the program, and choose the tune, Beyonce will perform all songs. The program will expand to 90-minutes, to accommodate the wardrobe changes by Beyonce, as her appearance will also be rated in the judging.

Clear Channel, in a deal with both Beyonce and American Idol, will convert their 1,200+ stations to an All-Beyonce format, covering the genres of Hip-Hop, Rap, Pop, Urban, Gospel, Country, Smooth Jazz, Broadway Show Tunes, Jazz, Oldies and World Music.

Clear Channel will promote Beyonce's appearances on American Idol and American Idol will direct viewers to Clear Channel station websites to be able to download the songs she performs on the program.

"This is a real coup for us" offered Clear Channel Radio President, John Hogan. "We're working on a deal that will have Beyonce tour and perform at all our Clear Channel venues".



Hershey Splitting Company, Changing Name, New Tag

Hershey Foods Corp. announced yesterday they will split the company into two new companies - candy and snacks - and take the risky route of launching a new branding campaign.

In a play off the Pork industry's successful promotions, Hershey's Chocolates will now carry the tag - 'The Other White Chocolate'.

Company officials conceded that not all the chocolate they produce is white chocolate but "in the spirit of the campaign", they want to distinguish Hershey Chocolate from other competeing brands.

The tongue-in-cheek campaign was launched with a press conference yesterday, with a barbeque-theme that included 'chocolate' pork chops and baby-back ribs "roasting" on an all-chocolate barbeque.

Company official also announced tie-in products with Ms. Piggy, Babe and, in a retro spot, Arnold Ziffer.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Month of March Could Roar In Like

10. Any movie or television program with Pauly Shore in it

9. The Yankee's locker room after Game 7 last year

8. Aaron Brown of CNN, really trying to sound sincere

7. Dan Rather still insisting they got the story right

6. Hewlett Packard, the day Carla Fiorina was fired

5. Donald Trump practicing, in the mirror, saying "You're Fired"

4. Hillary Swank's acceptance speech at the Oscars

3. Andy Sipowicz on a bad hair day

2. Howard Dean's campaign scream

1. Rosanne singing the National Anthem

Monday 28 February 2005

Garlic Extra!
Bush Launches No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind; Hundreds To Be Laid Off In FDA Reorg

Food and Drug Administration officials will be notified today by the Bush Administration to begin implementing the new policy of 'No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind'.

Score of hundreds of FDA employees, from executives, administrators and inspectors will either be put into early retirement, or laid off, according to a statement released by Department of Health & Human Services Secretary Michael O. Leavitt.

A White House source indicated, after last week's controversal FDA vote on the continuation of marketing of the huge-selling pain pills Celebrex, Bextra and Vioxx, the No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy was acelerated and, according to the source, the President himself ordered the immediate implementation.

The No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy will substantially reorganize the FDA, with some executives and administrators being moved to other government offices, leaving hundreds, including inspectors to be laid off. The plan offers those laid off to put a portion of their unemployment benefits into a private savings account.

The vote to continue with the marketing of these drugs has come under fire as 10 of the 32 government drug advisors voting, have also been receiving money and/or grants from these same pharmaceutical companies.

The new No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind policy will forgo the cumbersome and lengthy clinical trials, burdening the pharmaceutical industry with billions in research and development costs. No Pharmaceutical Company Left Behind will allow the companies to register their new drugs with the FDA and begin marketing them immediately. There will be an undisclosed fee for such registration.

Said the White House insider;

"The strategy is a lot like what Ford did with the Pinto back in the seventies … It will be significantly cheaper for the pharma's to deal with any lawsuits if something happens …"



Sirius To Broadcast NASCAR, Other Major Visual Events

In an effort to stay the pace with competitor XM Radio, Sirius Satellite Radio Inc announced they will begin broadcasting NASCAR racing in 2007, as part of a package of new events.

Sirius also announced a number of additional new programming, including art museum show openings, rare stamp collections and
beauty pagents.

Said one Sirius official; "It'll play great on our system … Primo CD-quality audio and we'll have great announcers … It will be better than being there"




New Ken Burns Follow-Up To Baseball; Spotlight On Steroids

Ken Burns, the critically acclaimed independent documentary filmmaker will begin shooting a 200-Hour PBS special, a follow-up on his 1994 Baseball, which over 45-million tuned into, and focusing on the growing steroid controversy

"I had a vision of slowing fading in to a blossoming poppy field, like 10-15-minutes of just observing their innocent beauty and, as we reach a poppy flower, we continue to zoom in and then disolve to a baseball - whack - flying off the end on a bat and sailing, majestically, into the stands at Yankee Stadium … I'll have either Philip Glass or Wynton Marsalis do the music for this section … It will be compelling …"

Burns, whose credits include the Brooklyn Bridge, Frank Lloyd Wright, Lewis and Clark, Jazz and many more, was asked about the proposed length. His 1994 Baseball was only 18-1/2 hours.

"We're going to trace all the drugs used in baseball, from the earliest days, both the team-dispensed drugs, as well as the recreational one's used by the players separate from the game … It's a rather substantial record …"

Burns plans to use many of the narrators used in his previous projects, including the late Stephen Ambrose.

"He has such a great voice … intonation … Plus, he did so many television projects, we can basically cut-and-edit him to be saying anything we want … Whether it's true or not … A lot like his writing …"

Top Ten Cloves: People Who Wish This Year Was A Leap Year

10. Condeleeza Rice - An extra day to visit more army bases in her dominatrix outfit

9. David Spade - How about a Leap No?

8. Bernie Ebbers - Has more time to cram for what else he forgot or didn't do at WorldCom

7. Dan Rather - Will use the time to get to the bottom of this Bush National Guard business

6. Jennifer Lopez - She could ask a fourth man to marry her

5. Microsoft - Will …. Wait a minute … Oh God, a new Leap Year Virus!

4. Howard Stern - What better day to have Stuttering John interview two semi-naked adults dressed like Valentine cherubs?

3. Paris Hilton - Can claim she lost her laptop; Has files of photos of herself semi-naked and playing as a Valentine cherub

2. Debut of new TV Shows: CBS - CSI: Leap Year! … NBC - Law and Order: Leap Year

1. Hundreds of Major League Baseball Players - Extra day to drink cranberry juice in effort to flush steroids from their systems

Cardinals Stymied, Looking For A New Signal

Yesterday hospitalization, and tracheotomy operation of Pope John Paul II, and his seemingly deteriorating health, puts a great deal of pressure on the College of Cardinals and a long-standing tradition.

The select group of eminences have the responsibility, upon the resignation or death of the ruling pontiff, to make the selection of a new Pope and have, in long, historic standing, signaled their decisions with puffs of white smoke.

When the time comes, the Cardinals will have to abide by the Vatican law, since 2001, of No Smoking.

"This is a problem", offered on Vatican spokesperson. 'The Cardinal's are aware of it and have had great consternation over what to do".

The Vatican, in 2001, followed the new laws enacted in civilian Italy and instituted a No Smoking policy throughtout the Vatican.

"Right now, if necessary", continued the spokesperson, "if we have to do something, we'll probably send out a press release and a few emails".




Suede Magazine Shutting Down

Suede Magazine, the much ballyhood, multicultural fashion magazine, published by Essence Communications Partners division of Time Inc., is closing down and ceasing publication. Launched in 2004, Suede Magazine was to be a chic, Vogue-style magazine, geared towards African-Americans.

The company, in its' release positioned the shutdown as a 'hiatus'

A fashion industry indsider offered a different view

"Water stains. That's what did them in … I mean, God, everyone knows what water does to suede"



MTV Launches In Africa

Citing a huge potential market, as well as giving local musicians the exposure to spring onto the International stage, MTV offically launched MTV Base in Johnannesburg, South Africa.

While it took artists such as Miriam Makeba and Ladysmith Black Mambazo decades to reach audiences outside of Africa, MTV Base could give contemporary artists a springboard to other MTV channels and, in the process, exposure to audiences in Europe and the United States.

MTV Networks International President Bill Roedy indicated, in a press conference these artists may be incorporate into the 43+ channels MTV operates and, when pressed, admitted that 78% of his U.S. audience "couldn't point to Africa on a map"

Top Ten Cloves: How Martha Stewart Plans To Be Nicer When Released From Prison

10. Make curtains and tablecloths out of left-over 'Gates' fabric and give to charity

9. Will bake the cakes, but with 'fruit files' in them for her "sister bitches" still in prison

8. Won't shop at Target anymore just because they have better prices than K-Mart

7. Can stop sending harassing letters to Dave Foley, about getting on Celebrity Poker

6. Promises to share her inside stock tips with friends and family

5. Stop "repeating" the jokes about Donald Trump's hair that she picked up in prison

4. Give 'Good Neighbor' Lessons to Sean Connery

3. Remember to send the batch of hashish brownies to President Bush as a 'Thank You

2. Now that she's out, doesn't have to go to bed wishing that Oprah gains all her weight back

1. Only berate the Production Assistants on her TV Show, not the entire staff

Thursday 24 February 2005

Garlic Extra!
More White House Payola; Thomas the Tank Engine Stumped for Amtrak

All aboard!

Just as the Jeff Gannon story fades, it was revealed yesterday that the Bush Administration has again been seen using a paid endorser for it's initiatives.

Despite the recent budget cuts, Amtrak, from 2002, to 2004, paid hundreds-of-thousands of dollars to Thomas the Tank Engine, and an undisclosed amount of friends, to promote rail travel.

Records show that Thomas the Tank Engine, and his friends, made tens-of- scores of public appearances - including private birthday parties - and produced books, television programs and theatrical movies. Often the talking engine made references to Amtrak and promoted, to young children as well as adults, the benefits of train travel.

In a New York Times Op-Ed article yesterday, Secretary of Transportation Norman Y. Mineta appeared to be distancing himself from the controversy, in explaining the budget cuts to Amtrak.

In 2004, it was disclosed that the Bush Administration paid PR consultant and commentator Armstrong Williams to promote it's No Child Left Behind policy.


O Solo Mio; Venice To Build Subway To Boost Tourism

Venice Mayor Paolo Costa announced this week plans to build a subway in an effort to boost the ailing tourism for this popular Italian city, famous for it's canals.

While critics argue that Venice is actually sinking, Mayor Costa's plans call for a subway line to run from the airport on the mainland to the center of town, buried more than 150-feet.

Subways cars will be open-air, gondola-style and all engineers and conductors will be required to sing to it's riders. Plans call for the subway to be operational by 2009.



Bravo Going To The Dogs For More Poker

Taking a cue from the art world, and riding it's successful Celebrity Poker Showdown, the Bravo Channel, a subsidiary of NBC, announced a new poker series featuring dogs.

Based on the works of artist Cassius Marcellus Coolidge and his infamous series of dogs playing poker (there were nine paintings in the collection), the program will be sponsored by Westminster Kennel Club. Recently, two of Coolidges works sold at auction for over $500,000.

Celebrity dogs will be featured in the series. Bravo indicated that Benji, Astro, Marmaduke, Winn-Dixie and descendants from the lines of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Asta will all make appearances on the program.

Top Ten Cloves: How So. Californians Are Coping With The Rain

10. Lobbying to get on the Michael Jackson Jury

9. Watching old reruns of Sea Hunt

8. Confused with Oscars; Thinks Rain Man is nominated this year

7. Passing new legislation for Jet Ski lane on freeways

6. Figuring out how to blame Kobe Bryant for all the rain

5. Learning for first time that Canoe isn't just an after-shave lotion

4. New X Sport - Mud-Slide Surfing

3. Filming new movie - Hey Dude, Where's My Boat!

2. Busy learning how to use umbrellas

1. Searching for the next Grade B actor they can nominate to run for Governor

Wednesday 23 February 2005

Winn-Dixie Files For Bankruptcy; Blames Canine

Winn-Dixie Stores Inc., the giant Southern supermarket operator, filed for bankruptcy protection yesterday, citing sky-rocking cost overruns in banking their future on a dog.

Despite strong box office showings for the movie, 'Because of Winn-Dixie', based on a children's book bestseller, the supermarket chain has been awash in a sea of red ink.

"This little pup has been more then we could handle", offered one store official. "He's been a real primadonna … Special food, a big entourage … flying first class … It sure hasn't been a miracle for us … We just haven't gotten the return we expected …"

In papers filed with the courts, Winn-Dixie indicated that employee's will continue to be paid, including health and welfare benefits, and that they anticipate recouping their losses when the DVD of the movie is released.



Supreme Court Takes Oregon Death Case

The U.S. Supreme Court announced yesterday that they have agreed to hear arguments in Oregon's Death With Dignity Act, which the Bush Adminstration opposes. The suit was filed in 2001 by then Attorny General John Ashcroft.

Since 1997, when Oregon voters approved the measure, doctors in Oregon have been able to assist terminally ill patients end their lives. An Appeals Court upheld the ruling last year

The Administration plans to argue that it is only their policies that should be in place - reckless tax cuts, the cutbacks and elimination of programs, and the dismantling of Social Security - that should determine the quality of life.

In a related matter, the court also announced that ailing Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist will be moving from Arizona to Oregon.



IOC To Reject NYC; Cites Gates, Loss To Red Sox

Just as New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and a host of other official were seeking to impress the 2012 International Olympic Committee, rumors were circulating that the committee is all but set to reject the Big Apple, or, as the campaign suggests, 'the world's second home'.

Sources close to U.S. Olympic Committee chairman Peter Ueberroth said that Ueberroth found the Christo 'Gates' to be a distraction and is dismayed with the collapse of the New York Yankees last fall in baseball's American League Championship.
Ueberroth is a former commissioner of Major League Baseball.

Ueberroth has fears that New York, being the city that never sleeps, won't be able to deliver what the Olympics expect and need, that "they'll be tired and distracted"

Other cities in contention include Madrid, London, Moscow and Paris and a decision is expected by July 6.



Amendment Rider Spares C-SPAN From Indecency Fines

In passing a bill that can levy unprecidented fines against radio and television broadcasters last week, the House added a rider to the amendment that automatically extends a waiver to C-SPAN.

With congressional elections a year away, and changes forthcoming with the FCC's administration, House Republican's offered that it was "prudent" to offer the protection to the non-profit C-SPAN.

C-Span broadcasts the activities on the floor of the Congress, both the House and the Senate.

"We understand", stated Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, "that what we do here on the floor could be classified as indecent".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard at the Red Sox Spring Training

10. I got me one of those Duck Boats - it's getting better milage than my Humvee

9. I hope they don’t do that motivation thing again with William's head, like they did last year

8. Hey Tom … Ahhh, if it doesn't work out this time, mind if I give Katie a call …

7. Too bad Derek's gone, now I'm, gonna be the only one with a 5+ ERA

6. I'll tell you what's a curse … Having to sit next to Pesky on the airplane

5. Oh man, Wells has a six-pack out there in the bullpen with him …

4. Hey Curt, a lot lakes down here - you can practice your walking on water thing

3. Where's Nomar?

2. Oh Christ, do we have to listen to Theo's band again?

1. Wow! You got the primo Balco stuff!

In Memoriam - Hunter S. Thompson

It is with great sadness that The Garlic joins with vast number of others around the world today in mourning the death of Hunter S. Thompson.

While derided in many quarters (most of the mainstream and the Nixon Administration) for his 'gonzo' style of journalism, Thompson was a giant and most remarkable chronicler of the world we live in … In many ways, he was our generation's Mark Twain … He put a spotlight, in his own, unique and entertaining manner, on the dwarfs, finks, phonies, and frauds, that took center stage, or attempted to, in secret, manipulate the masses.

As his alter-ego, Raoul Duke advocated "when the going gets tough, the weird turn pro…", Hunter Thompson never shirked from being a pro

RIP Hunter, it was good while it lasted

Tuesday 22 February 2005

Prez Europe Trip Quashes Holiday Celebrations

Tens-of-scores of festivities, speeches, parades and cherry pie-eating contests were cancelled yesterday through-out America as the the United States was without a President, standing on U.S. soil.

Long-standing traditions fell by the wayside as President Bush was off on his fence-mending mission in Europe.

White House official were deluged with telephone calls, emails and telegrams from outraged organizers, band members and pie eaters, many who have spent the past year preparing for their President's Day activities.

Rules call for the President of the United States to be in-country and, by declaration at 12:01 AM declare the President's Day Holiday.

Talks fell apart by 6:30AM when parties could not come to terms with allowing the Vice President to stand in and, though he offered to 'take charge', retired General Alexander Haig was excluded from consideration as he is not in active service.

As the Uncle Sam packed away his stilts, and a third-grade class went ahead, to an audience of only parents and teachers, with their reading of the Preamble, one baker in Valley Forge, PA asked to nobody in particular - 'What am I going to do with 200 cherry pies?"


Royal Navy Courts Gays

It's been five-years since the British lifted its ban on gays serving in the military.

In a new campaign, announced yesterday, of 'We're Asking, So Please Tell', Britian's Royal Navy is actively recruiting gays to join its' fleet. Recently, gay men and woman have served in the war in Iraq with distinction, and under the same rules of decorum as their hetrosexual troop mates.

Everything from better benefits, better pay, more education for non-gay officers and the DVD of the Marlon Brando-version of Mutiny on the Bounty are being employed in the drive



Air Luxenbourg To Hit The Airwaves; Raid Competetion's Talent

Citing the success of now-competitor, Air America, plans to launch Air Luxenborg next month were announced by a consortium or radio broadcasters in Luxenbourg.

Eight of the 11 radio broadcasters from he tiny grand duchy, founded in 963 and nestled between France and Germany indicated that, despite the lack of political controversy - the country is officially neutral - they believe they can make an impact in the growing European Union.

Plans call for 24-hour broadcasting, in Luxembourgish, with sub-channel available in French and German. Content will be centered around the major industries of Luxenborg, which include banking, iron and steel, food processing, chemicals, metal products, engineering, tires, glass, and aluminum. Special farm and cheese and Anti-Bush reports will be added.

Reports indicate that Air Luxenbourg has engaged in talks with Air America personalties, Al Franken and Randi Rhodes. Both Franken and Rhodes offered no comment when asked if they plan to join Air Luxenbourg.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Problems With Microsoft's Xbox

10. Tries to pass off the scorch marks it makes in your carpet as cigarette burns

9. Wont play games; Begs you for asylum; Knows that Longhorn will make it obsolete

8. Likes shopping on-line; Keeps ordering the Pamela Anderson Screen-Saver

7. Sends emails to your neighbors with Playstation, telling them it'll kick their ass

6. Ejects game cartridges with power of a cannon

5. Each time you press pause, asks you if you want to hear about the X-rated affair with it had with Clippit

4. Scares the bejeezes out of your pets - on purpose

3. Snickers every time you play a game and lose

2. Keeps changing your television to the Fox News channel

1. Has identity problem; Really wishes it was an iPod

Monday 21 February 2005

Israel To Take New Steps In End To Destroying Palestinian Homes

In a move hailed by Palestine, Israel's Defense Minister Shaul Mofaz announced that Israel will end it's practice of destroying the homes of Palestian millitants and their families.

Long a staple of Israel's fight against Palestine and their terrorists, the practice of blowing up the homes of it's enemies and their families was considered necessary, but criticized by Arabs and many other world leaders.

With the announcement, a new set of actions was listed that will be implemented, as necessary, by Israel. These include;

Spam - Israel will flood internet host sites in Palestine with Spam and, open up the channel for the Nigerian princes to make their appeals to retrieve stolen treasures.

Junk Mail - Copious amounts of junk mail will fill Palestian mailboxes, including enrolling every suspected terrorist, their familes and friends, in the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

Cable TV - All suspected Palestine homes will be wired for Cable TV, but with only Basic Service, and offering the full programming of Home Shopping Network and, the 700 Club.

'We hope the peace will be lasting" offered Mofaz, "and we don't have to engage in these extremely harsh measures".



NASA Dismisses Life On Mars Despite Strong Evidence

In a statement released Saturday, official at NASA rebuffed the claims of two of it's scientists and denied that there was any indication of life on the planet Mars.

Space.Com reported that two NASA scientists from their Ames Research Center reported that methane levels recorded could be a sign of supporting biological processes.

In a separate statement, the heirs of the estate of Ray Walston quickly dismissed NASA's claims, offering proof that their uncle was indeed, a Martian and also circulated on the web more recent photo's of human-like beings with antennas, little green men and cheese-like substances as a sample of Mars' surface.


Mall of America To Expand, Take Twin Cities by Eminent Domain

Sparking controversy, and the beginning of a legal battle, the Mall of America announced last week an aggressive expansion in which they plan to take over the Twin Cities - St. Paul and Minneapolis - by eminent domain.

Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak and St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly issued a joint statement opposing the move and vowing to fight it.

Already owning the nearby city of Bloomington, the owners, Triple Five of Minnesota, Inc., indicated the move is necessary to maintain their competitive growth, and title of the country's largest shopping center. Currently, the Mall of America, opened in 1992, spans over 4-million square-feet, with over 500 stores and 11,000 employees.

By taking over the Twin Cities, Mall of America can stretch to over 200-square-miles, have an already-built infrastructure for it's attractions inventory, including over 136,900 acres of parkland and 950 lakes. Key to the expansion is that the Mall of America would be able to maintain the distinction of being the only shopping mall in the United States with a full-service U.S. Post Office.



ADA Survey Shows 4 Out of 5 Dentists Recommend Not Trusting 4 Out of 5 Dentists

A recent American Dental Association survey shows that 4-out-of-5 dentists recommend not trusting 4-out-of-5 dentists.

Among the findings, with over 2,000 dentists surveyed, lack of modern equipment, unclean offices and extremely out-dated magazines were cited. Troubling, the ADA noted that Laughing Gas was still being used, and abused by a wide majority of members.

And, appearing for the first time in the survey, poor taste in music. Members chided each other over there office audio offerings, and, in a fairly large number of surveys, specifc dentists were pointed out as "… not knowing a good song from an absessed tooth with a cavity you could put your fist into …".

Top Ten Cloves On How Bush Will Screw Up In Europe

10. Arrives late at meeting; Says he had to stay in hotel room to catch 'American Idol'

9. Suggests to Tony Blair that he might 'do alittle better if he had a few Jeff Gannon's sitting under those wigs'

8. Offers to set-up NATO secretary general Jaap de Hoop Scheffer as a rap star in U.S. if he'll go by 'da hoop'

7. Threatens them with getting in line or he'll sic Rumsfeld on them

6. Tries to warm-up Chirac with jokes about 'chocolate-covered frog legs'

5. Winks at and lets the Italians know he's got the Pope in the Dead Pool

4. Tells them of plans to build up NATO with Balco steroids - Same stuff Barry Bonds uses!

3. Slips in that Negroponte already has files on them all

2. Gives King Albert II and Queen Paola the DVD of 'If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium'

1. Attempts to improv a limerick with the word 'Brussels' in it

Friday 18 February 2005

Garlic Extra!
Selig Drops Bombshell; Steroids Legal and Mandatory

On the heels of the NHL canceling their season, and as a majority of his league's teams open Spring Training officially, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig rocked the sports world with a second punch, reversing his position in announcing that all major league baseball players must take steroids.

Citing a need to reconcile the integrity of the bevy of new records set during the era of steroids, Selig said that "the cat is out-of-the-bag … And it's a big muscular cat"

"It's a new era", the commissioner offered in a statement. "With the overwhelming use of steroids, the records that have already been surpassed, and with some of baseball's most hallowed records due to fall in 2005, we need to level the playing field, so to speak."

The commissioner went on to say that it wasn't feasible or "in the best interests of the game" to ban hundreds and hundreds of players, and expunge the accomplishments achieved with the use of steroids.

"Jose Canseco's new book not withstanding, as there has been little public outcry, or government intervention, the easist route to take is to give the fans what they want"

Beginning with the 2005 season, steroids will be dispensed by Major League Baseball and, players and teams will be penalized if caught using non-MLB steroids. The new Steroid policy will go into effect throughout baseballs minor league system as well.

It's unclear if steroids will be made available to Major League Baseball's fans - with team logos and player endorsments - on www.mlb.com



Prosecution Plays Tape Showing Blake Confused, Confessing To Fictitious Murder

The prosecution in the trial of actor Robert Blake played a tape of their interrogation of Blake, which displayed a hesitant and confused Blake confessing to a fictitious murder.

Blake told police investigators that he was actually in Holcumb, Kansas on the evening of his wife's murder, with a friend, Dick Hicock. After lighting a cigarette, Blake detailed the execution of the four members of the Clutter family.

Blake was, apparently, reprising his 1967 break-through role of Perry Smith, in the film version of the riveting Truman Capote novel, 'In Cold Blood'.

Prosecutors had previously established, with numerous witnesses, of Blake's presence at the Hollywood restaurant, with his wife, on the night of her murder. The tape was used, prosecutors offered, to back up new evidence of Blake's alleged use of drugs.



Starbucks Abandons Coffee; Goes For Happy Hour Market

Following the announcement yesterday that they will start marketing, in partnership with Jim Beam Brands, a Coffee Liqueur, Starbucks indicated they will now become a full-service tavern, abandoning their profitable line of coffee to a secondary company property, Seattle's Best Coffee, whom they acquired in 2004.

In addition to Starbucks Coffee Liqueur, and a full range of alcoholic beverages, the over 8,000 Starbuck locations will change their decors, adding mahogany bars, stools and a retro, sawdust floor. In locations large enough, the tavern and the coffee shop will sit side-by-side.

Other changes with the new direction have WiFi outlets being replaced with slot machines and Keno screens. A certain percentage of retail locations will also have pool tables. Menu changes are in place, as the cookies and pastries go, replaced by hard-boiled eggs and corned-beef sandwiches.

"We've done extensive research" stated founder Howard Schultz in a statement released. "This is the direction that will maximize our stock and the investment in the Starbucks brand."

Stabucks Cards will be honored at both the new taverns and coffee locations.

Top Ten Obstacles for New Homeland Security Director John Negroponte

10. Won't have Jeff Gannon in Briefing Room throwing softball questions at him during Press Conferences

9. Taking a paycut to head post; Can't open private social security account

8. Doesn't know how he'll convince administration to let his buddies, the Honduran military, be the Coalition of the Willing

7. Knows where the Weapons of Mass Destruction are; Has to wait awhile before springing scoop

6. Artist Christo stole his idea for new terrorist warning system with the orange gates

5. Central Intelligence Agency director Porter Goss refuses to call him 'El Jeffe'

4. Keeps getting calls from Oliver North, needling him to 'come clean'

3. Pocket Change - Left his bags in Nicaragua

2. Due to recent scandal, can't put Armstrong Williams on payroll to publicize department's programs

1. Will have a tough time convincing Congress to designate the Contra's as a legitamite branch of his deparment

Thursday 17 February 2005

Slumping Wrist Band Sales Force Armstrong Into 7th Tour

With a new sponsor, and slumping wrist bands sales, six-time champion Lance Armstrong announced yesterday that he will ride in the 2005 Tour de France, looking to extend his incredible record of consecutive victories in cycling's most prestigious event.

With the Discovery Channel now a sponsor, some sources indicate that slumping sales of the Lance Armstrong wrist band, may be the bigger factor in the 34-year-old champion's decision to enter the race. In 2004, Armstrong became the only six-time winner of the historic competetion.

This year's race, taking place July 2-24, goes 21 stages, including traveling through Germany, covering over 2,200 miles.

"Let's hope he can ride", offered one race wag. "And it's not Joe Louis shaking hands at a nightclub kind-of-thing".

Plans call for a new wristband to be available this summer, simply adorned with 'No. 7' and the Discovery Channel logo.


Pay-Per-View Scores Big; Signs Up Sugar vs. Splenda Bout

Outbidding Home Box Office's Big Night boxing series, the Food Network and Mark Cuban's HDNet, Pay-Per-View has landed the much anticipated super clash between long-time favorite, Sugar, versus precocious newcomer, Splenda.

Sources close to the talks indicate bids exceeded the speculated $150-million mark and could be as high as $250-million, or more.

A three-day tournament will pit Sugar vs. Splenda over a variety of grueling tests - from fruit juice and soda tastings, to foods, sauces and baking requirements. Along with taste, nutrition quality and caloric counts will weigh in the scoring.

Expert food tasters, chemists, farmers and corporate marketers and advertisers are in place to judge the contest. In the case of any controversy, a team of top-tier law firms will be on-hand to quickly secure depositions and file briefs.


Ricky Williams Waived By Marlins - Sort Of

Appearing glassy-eyed and disoriented, and cathing Manger Jack McKeon, and the rest of the Florida Marlins off-guard, retired star running back of the Miami Dolphins, Ricky Williams, reported for spring traing duty.

"I thought that maybe they made a deal without telling me", McKeon stated.

Reports indicate that Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria and President David Samson were called down to the field, when Williams refused to leave, even boasting to the reporters gathering that he was the Marlins centerfielder "until someone takes it away from me".

While the rest of the Marlins team and prospects went about their workouts, Mckeon, Loria, Samson and Williams huddled in the dugout, talking, and, at times, the discussion being very animated. After some 20-minutes, the group broke, with Loria and Samson escorting Williams to his car in the parking lot.

In a statement released later in the day, Samson indicated at no time was Ricky Williams a member of the Florida Marlins, could not explain his sudden appearance, or state-of-mind and, to resolve the situation, the Marlins agrees to "waive" Williams as he felt he still had time to catch on with another team.

Top Ten Things ESPN Will Replace NHL Hockey With (and get better ratings)

10. Sports Center - The Movie!

9. Beyond The Game: Behind The Make-Up; The Dark History of Rodeo Clowns

8. 2005 Division 3 Intramural Freshman Ping Pong Championship

7. Inside Sports Special: ESPN follows writer Peter Gammons, who takes steroids and writes 3-million-page history of sports

6. The Checkered Flag - Are the fumes from the high-powered Formula One racecars killing it's audience? ESPN takes a look

5. Let's Get Ready To … Spell! - ESPN places boxing ring announcer Michael Buffer in the National Spelling Bee contest

4. Monster Truck Slam Dunk - Customized vehicles driven by NBA stars, trying to put themselves through gigantic baskets

3. Up Close and Personal: Roy Firestone takes steroids, interviews himself for sixteen-hours

2 Ayatollah Texas Hold'em - ESPN rounds up the top clerics and sits them down in Las Vegas for a three-day tournament

1. Celebrity Log Rolling - Week 1 pits Kelly Rippa versus Al Roker

Top Ten Candidates to Replace Carly Fiorina at Hewlett Packard

10. Howard Dean - Hey, you know the DNC thing isn't going to work out

9. Alicia Keys - Big Grammy winner; Can help move the HP iPods

8. Philadelphia Eagles QB, Donovan MCNabb - Will do a good job but screw-up everyday around 4:45PM

7. Paris Hilton - No experience running big company but boy, what PR she'll generate

6. Karl Malone - Recently retired from NBA; He delivers!

5. Al Franken - Also no experience but look at all the free exposure HP will get on Bill O'Reilly's show

4. Dan Rather - Whatever he doesn't know about running HP, he'll make it up

3. Donald Rumsfeld - Tough, has what it takes; Will crush competetion, faster, lighter and cheaper ("High Tech isn't pretty")

2. AOL's Steve Case - He's already screwed up one merger so no trouble that he'll do it again

1. Ray Romano - Series ending, looking for work; Everybody will love'em

Wednesday 16 February 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Google Launches Search for Famed Woman Aviator

Citing the development of a new, super algorithm, Google announced today that they are leading a search for Amelia Earhart, the pioneering woman aviator, lost since her 1937 attempt to cross the world.

Backed by being the overwhelming dominant search engine in the marketplace, and with billions in reserve as a result of their successful IPO in 2004, Google has recruited an unprecedinted amount of new talent that has worked for months on developing this new, high-powered, super algorithm.

"This really opens up some new territory" stated CEO Eric E. Schmidt, in a statement released by the company.

Yahoo, Ask Jeeves and A9 refused comment.

Microsoft's search engine, MSN, issued a terse statement, stating that "… with the forthcoming release of Longhorn, searches like this will be routine …"

Finding Earhard is a formidable task. Over $4-million was spent in the search for the record-breaking woman aviator, last heard from on June 29, 1937 after leaving New Guinea, with navigator Fred Noonan, on the quest to be the first woman to cross the globe in an airplane. The search centered in the area of Howland Island in the mid-Pacific, based on the last, weak, static-filled radio transmissions.

Schmidt went on to say that Google is confident they will turn in positive results and that other major search projects are being considered, including searching for former Teamster leader, Jimmy Hoffa and infamous skyjacker, D.B. Cooper.



NBA, Reebok To Launch New Reality Show: Box & Shoot

In announcing a new, $7-Million marketing campaign to bolster it's image, the National Basketball Association and Reebok International, the NBA's new offficial supplier of uniforms and footwear, are teaming up to produce a new, reality television program.

With the 2005 All Star game taking place next weekend, the NBA has been saddled with PR problems in the wake of the Koke Bryant trial, the failure of its' stars to win Olympic Gold, the rantings of Latrell Sprewell turning down a contract worth millions, citing "... I've got my family to feed …" and the incident involving Ron Artest and the Indiana Pacers going into the stands to fight with fans last year.

Ironically, it is that fighting incident that is the genus of this new, Reality TV venture - Box & Shoot.

The entire series will be filmed at NBA arenas, during half-time, where selected players will have to score 10-points in two-minutes, plus fight with a fan. And not just any fan.

Seated in a designated area will be 'celebrity fans', who will taunt and throw things at the players, and a panel of three judges to score the fighting element of the program. The player with the highest combination of points, from both scoring and fighting, advances in the program.

The NBA and Reebok haven't announced which players will participate in the program, but the celebrities, in Reebok attire and footwear, include;

Spike Lee, Evander Holyfield, Paris Hilton, Michael Caine, Travis Smiley, Angie Dickenson, Reebok's Terrible Tate, Bono, Larry Flynt, Larry King, Senator Bill Frist, Carrot Top, cast members from the O.C. and more celebrities to-be-announced.

Local media personalities will make up the panel of judges and extra security will be in place to keep regular fans from entering into the action.



Straight Eye for the Queer Guy To Roll Out This Spring

Riding the wave of success, producers David Collins, Michael Williams and David Metzler announced yet another show to debut in their string of their popular 'Queer Eye' series - but with a twist.

Get ready for Straight Eye for the Queer Guy.

Hosted by the trio of Jesse Ventura, Erik Estrada and Sam Donaldson, a gay man in New York, San Francisco and Houston will be educated in the ways of straighness. Activities will range from bowling, to tailgating and football games, to golf fashion and visits to the plumbing store.

To tie in with another series on Bravo, there'll be a special Straight Eye for the Queer Guy Poker Challenge, but don't expect any Felix Unger to show up.

"We're going Oscar Madison the whole way with this", offered Metzler.

Assisting the macho trio will be a bevy of steaming testosterone, with cameo appearances from Bob Villa, Bill Parcells, Vin Diesel, Brian Bosworth, Brad Pitt, Tom Jones, a special appearance from NBC Nightly News Anchor, Brian Williams and more personalities to-be-announced.

"We're still debating if we should let the Fab Five in on this" offered Collins. "I mean, those poor boys, they're going to need some help".



Stockholm Opera Conductor Dies at 86

The former Stockholm Opera conducter, Sixten Ehrling, famous for his conducting Stravinsky's 'Rite of Spring' in the 1950's, as well as his short temper with audiences, passed away at the age of 86.

His successful career, which included conducting the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, spanned over 722 concerts and 24 world premieres.

Sixten is survived by his wife, Onefour and two daugters, Threeseven and Fivenine.

Tuesday 15 February 2005

Zeta-Jones Takes Over Harvard

With Tim Robbins due in town today to receive his 2005 Hasty Pudding Club Man-of-the-Year Award, Someone forget to tell actress Catherine Zeta-Jones that her Woman-of-the-Year Award given last week was only supposed to be a one-day deal. Receive the award, take part in the revue, have a lot of fun and be gone.

Sources to The Garlic indicate that Zeta-Jones has set up camp at Harvard University, taking over the office of President Lawrence H. Summers and is running the Ivy League school with an iron fist.

"She flew in a whole staff of people from Hollywood", one sources offered. "They pushed Larry and his staff out and have been taking over everything … Appointments, tenure hearings, hiring of faculity …. It's been a real zoo …"

One of Zeta-Jones first iniatitives, another source offered, was to "raise the profile of Harvard". Zeta-Jones has begun making plans to film a number of T-Mobile commericials inside Harvard Yard. Zeta-Jones is a paid endorser of T-Mobile.

Zeta-Jones is also considering remaking a number of movies - and casting herself in key roles - that have featured Harvard, such as 'Love Story' and 'The Paper Chase'. Also in the works is to give husband, actor Michael Douglas, an honary degree from Harvard at the May commencement ceremonies.

A spokesperson for Zeta-Jones indicated that the actress plans on meeting with Robbins and offering him a position in her administration.

Sources also report that Zeta-Jones's move has set off panic in the Ivy League, as both Yale and Princeton, not to be out-done by Harvard, have set up committees to seek out a high-profile actor or actress to run their universities.


Survey Shows Flat Panel Screens Not Gaining Male Usage

The Consumer Electronics Association released findings of it's study conducted last year, showing a 69% drop in flat screen panels purchases for their computers by men.

The study, funded in part by a consortium of flat screen and PC manufacturers, were hoping for better news to help them fight off a slumping industry.

While 23% of the respondents indicated they preferred flat screens, and that it didn't effect the performance of the computer, the overwhelming majority saw things different.

Of the 69% negative responses;

28% said they just couldn't get excited over flat screen panels
22% asked for a bit more robust-looking screen, something with alittle curve to it
12% stated they just like big, fat screens

There was a plus-minus ratio of 4, for those too shy to answer the questions.


Ex-Beatle McCartney Signs Up With NFL For Half-Time Tour in 2005

Citing having an overwhelming, wonderful feeling performing in the large, AllTel Stadium in Jacksonville for this years' Super Bowl, Paul McCartney, the ex-Beatle, has signed on with the NFL to be the exclusive, featured halftime performer throughout the 2005 NFL season.

McCartney will appear in each NFL stadium, at least once during the season and his performances will be broadcast live to all other NFL stadiums that day hosting a game. The schedule may be set where McCartney will perform in 2 or 3 stadiums in a single day and he will also appear on all Monday, Thursday, and Sunday night special NFL broadcasts.

Talks are on-going between McCartney and his agent with the Canadian Football for a similar arrangement. The CFL plays an opposite schedule from the NFL (June-Nov; NFL plays Sept-Dec) and a majority of CFL games are played on Friday's or Saturdays, offering little overlap with the NFL.

Once the CFL deal is in place, McCartney plans on talking with the Australian Football League, whose season stretches from March-September, with most games played on Friday's.


Jazz Classic Declared Official Time Mark

'Round About Midnight, the Jazz classic, penned by the great pianist Thelonious Monk, has been delcared an official element of timekeeping.

After years of debate and dispute, the U.S. Naval Observatory, the official timekeeper of the United States, and the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England, keepers of Greenwich Meridian Time, have come to agreement as to the designation for 'Round About Midnight'.

The minutes between 2358-hours and 2402-hours (1158PM and 12:02AM) may be referred to by the term 'Round About Midnight'

Written by the legendary Monk, the song took off in popularity after a Miles Davis peformance of it at the 1955 Newport Jazz Festival and has come to be a classic and standard in many artists' playbook. Since that performance, Jazz and timekeeping loyalists have been lobbying organizations and governments for the declaration.

"We're very excited", offered Horton Livermore of Troupsberg, New York, one of the leading advocates for 'Round About Midnight. "We're having a new clock made up right away".

Top Ten Ways Donald Rumsfeld Celebrated Valentine's Day

10. Rested his wrist. Had to hand-write all his Valentines due to they took away his autograph machine

9. Signed-up on Match.Com under the name of 'Donny Bombs Away

8. Posed for private, sexy pictures - without his glasses on

7. Ordered the U.S. Troops in Iraqi to put heart decals on all bombs and grenades

6. Flew to his old NATO hangout in Brussels for some "hands-on" foreign policy

5. Offered to "straighten out" the Vice President's daughter

4. Made his staff address him as 'Secretary of Love' for the day

3. Sent bouquets made from bullets to his sweethearts

2. Admitted he was secretly in love with reporter Helen Thomas

1 Called a meeting with the Secretary of State; Offered to show her his Weapon of Mass Destruction

Monday 14 February 2005

Nader Runs Strong in Iraq Election; Misses Seat

Despite a remarkable strong showing in the recent Iraq elections, Ralph Nader missed out on a seat in the new Iraq National Assembly by a few thousand votes.

Running on the Green Party slate, and as an independent, Nader barnstormed the country in December, on a platform of peace and alternative energy. Due to his celebrity-status, and his constant criticism of President Bush, Nader drew a surprising large following.

Nader placed 287th in a field of thousands, vying for one of the seats in the 275-person National Assembly.

However, much like his efforts in the United States, Nader was barred from most of the sanctioned debates and, he complained frequently of the lack of coverage of his campaign by Al Jazeera. Local Iraq coverage of Nader's stops was infrequent.



Bloomberg Announces Central Park 'Gate' Toll

The new public art installation of 'The Gates' by the artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude has been set up in Central Park and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that Central Park visitors, walkers and joggers will have to pay at toll if they are to take-in the art along the 23-miles of walkway in the park.

For 16 days, "The Gates", like giant croquet targets, will be in place, with 7,500 saffron-colored panels hanging above pedestrians.
New York officials expect an unusually high amount of traffic in Central Park for the month of February and that, they say, is going to strain and already stretched city budget.

"We really wish we could avoid this toll" offered the diminutive Mayor. "It's such a lovely, and unique, addition to Central Park that we hope all New Yorkers will come to view it.

Plans call for attendants to be stationed as various points along 'The Gates' route to collect the tolls and, visitors can purchase a prepaid card that will be scanned for the correct toll.


Apple To Split Stock; Follow Google With Unique Auction For New Shares

Get ready for iPodStock.

With the success of the iPod accounting for nearly 35% of Apple Computer's profits, and pushing their stock to triple its' value, the Cupertino-based company announced they will be conducting a 2-1 stock split.

And Apple is taking a page of the auction-style IPO conducted by search giant, Google, last year.

Once the share price is established, and on a date to-be-announced, share buyers will have to visit www.ipodstock.com, where they can bid and purchase their shares and download them to their iPods. No paper certificates will be issued. And, as with their successful iTunes, iPodStock will not be compatible with other MP3 or PDA formats.

For current Apple shareholders, they will have the option of purchasing a specially-issued Apple stock-loaded iPod.



For Rock, Exit, Stage Left after Grammy Faux Paux

Perhaps his GPS wasn't working, or he misread his Blackberry. For comedian Chris Rock, there wasn't one big enough to hide under.

As the broadcast for the 47th Annual Grammy Awards began last night at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, Rock bounded on stage to welcome the audience, stunning host Queen Latifah, who was walking on stage from the opposite wing.

Trouble is, he wasn't supposed to be there.

Rock is due to host the 77th Academy Awards that will be presented later this month, on Sunday, February 27, 2005, and will be telecast live from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood.

Embarassed, Rock hurriedly left the stage and, as there was a slight delay to the broadcast, the gaffe went unseen by the television audience. Queen Latifah re-entered the stage and the evening's program went on, as scheduled. Latifah made no reference to the false Rock entrance in her opening remarks.

Rock, or his agent and manager could not be reached for comment.

Top Ten Ways Howard Dean Will Revitalize The Democratic Party

10. Ban any and all Massachusetts politicians from running for President

9. Launch Prell Grants - All college students to have clean hair; Win votes of their parents

8. Teach all candidates to scream the State names

7. Dump those pecker-headed, 'Live-Free-or-Die radicals in New Hampshire; Move first
primary to Vermont

6. Pay-off the Swift Boat Veterans to pick on the Republican candidates

5. Promise to pack the Supreme Court with cast members from the O.C.

4. Coach all Democratic candidates to lie, cheat and distort facts just as good as the Republicans

3. Pay-off Al Gore not to endorse any Democatic candidates

2. Add free porn to the DNC website

1. Make note; Get Democratic Nominee's brother elected Governor of Florida before
Presidential election